Thirty
"Where are you?" Morty Magoo asks Russ Knot. The line is bad. The constant crackling has already forced them to repeat themselves.
"You know exactly where I am," Russ says unpleasantly. "Your two gumshoes were a few rows behind me on the plane. We're in Indonesia. Banda Aceh. The plane brought our fugitives here. I'm waiting for my rental car now."
"Then what?" Morty asks.
"Hell if I know. It's not like they left a trail of breadcrumbs." Russ shakes his shirt. He's standing outside the car rental booth and it's 100 degrees in the shade. Leaning against the counter, he focuses on the television blaring in the background. The local news is on, not that Russ can understand a word of it.
"What about my two friends? Do they have anything yet? I can't get through to them." Morty is in his office. He doesn't care who catches Mary Poppins and her friend, Bert. He gets his money regardless. Three heads working on the case are better than one, though. He'll get his money quicker that way.
Russ laughs. "If they did, they wouldn't look as bored as they do now. Thing #1 is sitting on her suitcase filing her nails and Thing #2 is choking on one of those tapioca balls in his bubble tea. They're waiting for their own cars and for me to make a move. And here's an idea for you, Morty - international cell. I have one, looks like they don't."
Morty's brow is furrowed. Hopefully his detectives will figure this out for themselves. "So what's your next move? Where you headed?"
"Can't hurt to tell you. Into town, I guess. We'll see where that leads." Russ is still watching the television as the attendant hands him his car keys. There's a shot of people standing on a street arguing. Then, suddenly, they leap to the left and right as a missile glides into a shop called Cardamom WellBeing, levelling it to the ground. Russ is speechless as he sees a familiar couple in the retake. It's Mary Poppins and her boyfriend in what looks to be an international incident. "What the hell was that about?" Russ mutters.
"What? What do you know?" Morty asks urgently.
"I'll tell you later. I gotta go." Russ ignores Morty shouting through the line and switches his phone off. He then strolls over to the blue Prius waiting for him. "Stay calm, Russ. You don't want to tip them off."
It's too late. Thing #1 and Thing #2 are now standing at the car rental booth, watching the same news story. After being told there are no cars ready for them, they argue with the attendant. Russ hops into his Prius and drives off, honking his horn as he exits the parking lot. He's in the lead.
Russ wishes he was in the back. Anywhere but here, he's thinking as he listens to a wailing Mr. Panngabean and his irate son. There's no point trying to calm them down. Their teashop, Cardamom WellBeing, is no more, thanks to a missile launched by the Indonesian Army that was meant for Mary Poppins and Bert.
"Look what she did! My father's teashop has been blown-up! What are we supposed to do, Russ Knot?" Andi's hands are still on either side of his head, showing his disbelief.
"Well, I don't rightly know. You have insurance, don't you?" Russ glances over his shoulder. For once he wishes Thing #1 and Thing #2 were present to take the heat. Mr. Pangabbean and his son have no one to blame for this tragedy since Mary and Bert have run for the hills. Towards the port, the Pangabbean men claim. Russ would be on the road if only Andi Pangabbean wasn't blocking his access to his car.
"Insurance, Russ Knot? By the time we get our money and rebuild the shop my father may be dead," Andi argues. "Look at him! Father is beside himself with grief. He says he is ready to join my mother in the grave. There must be another way. I want you to catch Mary Poppins and her man-friend and bring them to me. I will make them pay for what they've done!"
"I'll do my best, okay? In the meantime, let's go over the details. You say they came into the shop for a cup of tea pretending to know you, is that right?" Russ clarifies.
"Yes. The crazy woman said she was Mary Poppins and that she cared for me and my sister when we were young. I have no idea who she is. She is a crazy lady, Russ Knot. Touched in the head. Then I found her dancing and singing with my children in the kitchen. My father and I chased her and her friend out of the shop. Thankfully everyone joined us to watch the argument, otherwise who knows what might have happened." Andi starts crying. He and his father's weeping fills the air.
"I get it. I promise to find her, alright?" Russ is tired of the wailing.
"So she can give me money to rebuild Cardamom WellBeing?" Andi asks hopefully.
"Yeah, sure. But in the meantime, apply for the insurance. There's no telling when I'll catch her," Russ admits.
"That is not good enough, Russ Knot. We need money now, to keep our family going until the insurance comes through. You know this woman, so you must help us out by giving us your money. We will be grateful for anything." Andi's hand is out. His eyes are roving Russ to determine the location of his wallet. He is also still standing between Russ and the car door. Unless Russ can distract him, he won't be permitted to leave until he hands over the contents of his wallet.
Thankfully, Thing #1 and Thing #2 have just rolled up in their own cars. For Russ, their timing couldn't be better. "Look over there, Mr. Pangabbean. See those two? They're also looking for Mary Poppins. Even better, they're related to her. Cousins. Yeah, that's right. Distant cousins. They're the ones you should be asking for money to help rebuild your teashop."
Andi Pangabbean eyes the other detectives hungrily. "Cousins, you say? Then it is their duty to help Father and I rebuild Cardamom WellBeing. Thank you for your assistance, Russ Knot." Morty Magoo's sleuths smile at Andi Pangabbean as he walks over, until he starts demanding money.
By then Russ is in his car, doors locked. His competitors shoot him their best evil stares. They can do nothing when they are surrounded by a screaming Andi Pangabbean and an increasing number of furious relatives who want money to rebuild the teashop. "Off to the Port we go," Russ mumbles, smiling as he speeds away.
"They got on a ship, you say?" Russ asks a young dockworker. His name is Jarot and he's willing to give up all he knows for a pack of cigarettes and $20 Cdn.
"Yes, man. A cruise ship. The Monty Python, man. No, The Monte Carlo's her name. A big ship. Anyways, those two ran up one of the planks and they were gone. They snuck inside, man. Stowaways. Happens all the time." Jarot lights up a cigarette and blows smoke rings in the air.
"The Monte Carlo," Russ repeats, writing it down. "Where might this ship be going?"
"Nowhere, man," Jarot answers, grinning toothlessly.
"Nowhere? You mean you don't know," Russ clarifies.
"I mean nowhere, man" Jarot responds, laughing. "That ship belongs to The Order of Eternal Ascension. You know, the new religion?"
"The Order of Eternal Ascension? I don't know anything about it. Tell me more," Russ requests.
"I don't need to, man. Go ask the guru yourself. Vevak Joz. He's in his tent over there, the one with the guards, waiting for his helicopter. He'll tell you everything about the ship to nowhere. Be careful, man. Don't let him suck you in. You'll end up on the ship like my uncle Eyo, who left port three years ago and hasn't been home since." Jarot backs away as he says it. Although he's still smiling, he has no intention of getting closer to Vevak Joz's tent.
Vevak Joz is sitting cross-legged on an elaborate Persian carpet - naked except for a white Speedo, a waist-length bathrobe of multiple colours, black rubber flip-flops, and the most elaborate set of blonde man-braids Russ has even seen. There's no telling his nationality. Vevak Joz likes to tan and his skin is the colour and texture of microwaved meat. He's covered in piercings and tattoos. Headphones on, his eyes are closed while he chants. Shocking blue eyes are revealed when he opens them to assess Russ Knot. A new recruit? he's thinking. His smile is wide, just in case.
Russ' own smile is brief. "Ahem, Mr. Joz. Pleased to meet you. I'd like to ask you about your ship, The Monty Carlo. Can you tell me where the next port is? Two friends of mine may have boarded it."
"All are welcome in The Order of Eternal Ascension. If your friends boarded the ship then rest assured, they will be cared for by their brothers and sisters." Vevak Joz's voice is like silk. He has an accent, somewhere between German and French with a smattering of Irish thrown in.
"Yeah, well maybe not. I'm afraid they're stowaways, Mr. Joz. It's my intention to bring them to justice if you'll just tell me where your ship is headed. I'll meet them there and bring them in." Russ tries to sound official. Anything not to hear this guy's sales pitch.
Vevak Joz rises to his feet with the help of some disciples. They too are dressed in Speedos, colourful bathrobes, and rubber flip flops. Cleansing his face and hands with a wet-wipe, he continues: "Stowaways, you say? Mr. Knot, there are no stowaways on The Monte Carlo in the same way that there are no random acts. Your friends have boarded my ship because it is time for them to board my ship. They have ascended to it, you see, to begin their voyage to greater awareness about themselves and the universe. Once they are in the stream, as we Ascendants call it, the free-flowing journey to ultimate wisdom, there is no disembarking."
"Meaning what, exactly?" This guy is making Russ nervous.
"Meaning there is no next port. The ship never docks." Vevak Joz lights a joint. "Well, except for supplies and fuel and to check-in according to some silly maritime law. Otherwise we're constantly at sea. Would you like to join us, Mr. Knot? Our God Zugon told me you would come here today."
There it is - the sales pitch. "No thanks. I suffer from seasickness," Russ answers. "Wait a minute, you're seriously telling me your ship never docks?"
"Ships, Mr. Knot. The Ascendants have four ships at sea now. They are floating cathedrals on the waves, constantly swimming against the current as they carry our devoted to a higher state of enlightenment." Standing behind Russ, he takes his arms and swings them left and right. Vevak Joz smells like lavender and sweat. "I see you with us, Mr. Knot, flowing upstream to your first epiphany, which you will no doubt pass to reach the next one and then the one after that. Ascending, ascending, ascending…. Can you feel yourself riding the waves, Mr. Knot? Can you feel the force of the current sweeping you upwards?"
"No, but I can feel the nausea setting in."
"Shhh, Mr. Knot. You're interrupting your flow. You're in the current now. I think you should join us. It's very simple. We have many packages available in a variety of price ranges. Ascension is not only a rewarding experience, but an affordable one, as well."
Russ shakes free of Vevak Joz' grip. "Thank you, but no. I'm only interested recovering my friends. Can you give me a general idea where the ship is headed?"
Vevak Joz sighs. He has no time for disbelievers. He's just about to be interviewed by Anderson Cooper, who's flying in from CNN to meet him. "It's going north somewhere," he answers with a dismissive wave. "Maybe to Japan, maybe to India. The captain lets the current decide. They'll stop when they run out of gas. I don't know where that'll be."
"Thank you. You've been very helpful. I'll be running now. Oh, and if two other detectives happen to stop by, I'd appreciate if you didn't tell them anything," Russ requests.
"Are they potential Ascendants?" Vevak Joz asks with interest.
"Absolutely," Russ answers.
"My lips are sealed," Vevak Joz promises.
Russ exits the tent quickly. Vevak Joz is disappointed; then again, he has new recruits on his ship. Focusing on a disciple, he says: "There are two stowaways on The Monte Carlo. Find out who they are. New converts or fish food, we'll just have to wait and see."
(With credit to Speedo and Anderson Cooper of CNN)