31. Tea

Memories lingered in every space of the Monsoon Cafe, from the driftwood bar to the bottle glass lights of purple, green, and gold. Goji wished her little table would sit flat on the floor. It bumped to the side if she leaned against it. She huffed and dropped her hands to her lap where her nervous fingers kneaded her bulbs.

Five minutes.

The moon peered through the skylight over Goji's head. The cafe resounded with the clink of glasses and the rush of steamers. Sweet pastry smells mingled with the warm tang of coffee. This place was once a sanctuary. She watched the door though a group of moms and toddlers. What was she thinking, coming here? What felt bold and brave in the safe darkness of her hallway felt ludicrous now. She had no outline for a talk, no point to get across. Her only plan was to walk away with her heart in one piece.

The tea-themed clock above the register read 7:00. It was time. Goji's mouth was dry. She wondered if she should leave while she still had the chance, but instead of itching with an urge to run, her feet felt stuck to the floor. The only way forward was through the fear.

The door opened. An older couple walked in, followed by a gorgeous girl with a hot pink mantle and tentacles in a braid. She took off her sunglasses and scanned the room for Goji, who fixed her eyes on the wall. Ah. There was the urge to run.

Marie wove through the crowded cafe, skirting the mothers coaxing their kids into coats. Goji once loved the tock of those heels on the rustic floor.

"I was afraid I'd be late. Couldn't get out of the studio fast enough. Ugh." Marie sat tentatively across from Goji and met her eyes. "Thank you for meeting. I was thrilled when you asked. I've missed you."

Goji's tongue didn't want to speak.

Marie started. "I've done a lot of reflecting since we saw each other last. Talked to Callie a lot too, but I'm sure you know that. I don't want to lose you from my life again, Goji."

Goji searched for words as Marie waited for her to say something, anything. Nothing came to mind.

Marie looked down at her folded hands. "I'm sorry. You wanted to meet me, and I started running my mouth right away. Just like me."

"It's fine," said Goji. "You came with something to say. I... didn't."

"Would you like to leave?"

Goji shook her head. The Solafex kept her panic away. If only it would help her think faster. "Callie said you still want something between us. Is that true? Be honest."

Marie swallowed. "Yes, I do. I know I don't deserve it, but I do."

Goji slowly nodded.

"How do you feel about that?"

"Afraid."

Marie's ears dipped. "I've earned your suspicion."

"Yeah."

Marie made to reply, but a chipper waitress with an emerald bob paused on her way to the bar.

"Welcome to the Monsoon! Oo, love your bag, sweetie. What can I get for you girls?"

"Caramel latte with skim milk, please," said Marie.

"Um..." Goji never got around to opening her menu. "Do you still have hibiscus tea?"

"Sure thing."

"Okay."

When their waitress was gone, Goji steeled herself. "Do you understand my suspicion, or are you just waiting for me to get over it?"

"I understand now. I didn't before."

"What changed?"

"Not sure I can name one thing. The fight with you was a wakeup call, but it still took Callie to get me to see."

"See what?"

"All I tried to do was help," Marie said. "I was so caught up in heroics that I never thought of you. There were crises to fix at all costs, fallout be damned. That's Mom's attitude, and I broke your trust like it was no big deal. I knew you were angry, but to be honest… I didn't care. Eventually, you'd see it was necessary and you'd get over it. It was a terrible way to treat you, and I'd like to start over if we can. Now that the crises are over."

"Are they?" Goji reached into her purse and pulled out her bottle of pills. "My crisis is only a missed dose away."

"What is that?"

"Solafex."

"When did you start? I didn't know."

"I know you didn't know." Goji put the bottle away. "It's been just over a week. My boss insisted. I was having breakdowns in her office, and that's only what she saw."

"Gods, Goji." Marie's ears dipped. "Because of me?"

"Don't give yourself too much credit. It was always there. This shit just kicked down the door."

"For my part," Marie said, "I am truly sorry."

"Me too." Goji paused as the waitress brought their drinks. She studied the deep, swirling red of the hibiscus tea as it steeped in its glass pot. The scent was sweet and nostalgic.

"Callie told me something I hadn't thought about," Marie said. "You and I have never shared time that wasn't clouded over by trouble. We met in the Agency, then I learned about your mother…"

"I remember."

"Right. Well. We don't have many happy memories, do we?"

"I do have happy memories of you. Staying with you when I couldn't stand to be at home. Taking picnics with us for field training. The Festival of Lights. The last Squidmas with Mom…" Goji stopped before reminiscence got the best of her. "Those were all bright spots in hard times."

"I want to give you bright spots in good times."

Goji strained her tea and poured a cup. It was still too hot to drink. "That's not the problem. You tricked me. Lied to me twice, 'for my own good.'" She struggled to string her points together. "Did it all work out like you hoped?"

Marie shook her head. "Blew up in my face. But I've learned that lesson. That's not who I want to be."

"This isn't who I want to be." Goji gestured to herself. "But it's who I am."

"I'm not that girl anymore," Marie amended.

"But you are," Goji said. "As far as I know."

"Will you let me show you I can change?"

"Things won't be how they were. They can't be."

"I know. I want them to be better than before."

"You hoped I'd tumble back into your arms, didn't you?"

Marie fidgeted with her stirring stick. "Not exactly. I'm not sure what I was hoping for, but I was… hoping."

Goji took a sip of tea and changed direction. "Did you know you've never told me why you were interested in me in the first place?"

"Really?"

"Don't be coy. I used to ask you all the time. You laughed it off or gave me banal compliments. You never explained. I've learned a lot about you through all this. Was I just a way to fill the Callie void in your life?"

"What? No! I was drawn to your stoicism. I wanted to know what drove you. Once I knew…" She spread helpless hands. "I loved being your personal hero."

"Just like you were once Callie's. Seems like you need that feeling."

"You two talked a lot without me, huh?" Marie murmured. "Yes. Like I was once Callie's. But it wasn't about Callie. It was always about you."

"You could've had anyone." Goji folded her arms and looked up at the moon in the skylight. "Have there been others since me?"

"Couple of first dates," Marie said. "No seconds. You?"

"Do I seem like the dating type?"

"I hoped you were happy, even if it wasn't with me."

"I haven't been happy since Squidmas two years ago." Goji recalled the party Marie helped pay for, and a breathless kiss in the cold. "Since then, just surviving."

"I want to change that."

"Don't you get it? Only I can change that, and I have no hope if I can't trust my oldest friend."

"You can," Marie said. "I'll prove it. All I need is a chance."

Goji sensed this was her moment to walk away if she wished. She waited for her throat to tighten or her fingers to shake, but the Solafex buoyed her. Her tongue was dry. Another sip of tea. She kept both hands safely around her cup.

"Please," Marie said.

"What would you do if I said no?"

"Ask if we could at least be friends." The older girl's voice quivered.

Goji saw the desperate hope through the bright pink lenses and felt powerful. She thought of all the pain and anger she'd hung on Marie since their lives intertwined. Not once did Marie push her away. Now, when Goji needed sanctuary more than ever, it still waited for her in a single word. But so did the shadows of mistrust and fear.

"Lie to me one more time," she said. "Twist the truth; hide what I should know; take my life in your own hands once more…" She fixed her eyes on Marie's. "…and I will never speak to you again. Do you understand?"

"Yes, ma'am." Marie replied. "I understand."

"I mean it."

"So do I."

"Then you can have your chance. As friends first."

Marie's face lit up. "I won't let you down, Nocturne."

"No, you won't," Goji said. "You'll either surprise me or give me what I deserve for ignoring my gut."

Marie faltered, and they silently sipped their drinks until she cleared her throat and said, "I hope you know you deserve all the bliss in the world, and I'm sorry I was so blind to your feelings."

"Look," Goji said, "I know you did what you thought you had to do, and I know we would've had it much worse without you while Mom was sick. Hell... I might've died on a mission without all your training. I owe you so much."

"You owe me nothing, Goji."

"I do! I already did when I sensed more between us than friendship, and I wasn't sure about it but I felt I had no choice..."

"I understand. You told me."

"I'm telling you again!" Goji blushed when a nearby Prawn looked her way. She lowered her voice. "I have to say it to get it out of my head. Otherwise I feel like I've made it up."

"I never knew you felt coerced."

"Me neither. I didn't put all the pieces together until I felt it again this time. Deep down I knew you wouldn't force me into anything, but..." She shifted. "The feeling was the same."

Marie nodded. "Callie said she pulled away from me for treating her like a kid. It was only what I knew. I want to be better, but I'll need your help. You must tell me when I'm making you feel any way you don't want to feel. It doesn't matter what I did for you in the past or how much you think you owe me."

Goji poured another cup of hibiscus tea. "Obviously I need help too."

"You mean the Solafex?"

"And... Ruby wants me to see a therapist."

"Hm. You know how I feel about shrinks." Marie froze and looked up. "I mean – I only thought – you didn't sound like you agreed with her, and I – If you want to do it you... should."

"I don't want to," Goji said. "But I'm afraid of feeling like this forever."

"I don't think you would."

"I'm not so sure." She thought of sitting on the pier contemplating the hungry sea at her feet, and shivered. It was better for Marie to never know about that.

"Whatever you choose, I'll support you," Marie said. "And I won't interfere."

"Thank you."

"But if you need me for anything, just ask. I'll be there."

"I know."

Their cup and mug were empty. Goji was out of words to say. She looked past Marie across the bustling cafe as it filled with the nighttime crowd. The big table where the mothers met held the books, notes, and snacks of five students. A turf team relaxed at the bar flirting with the baristas. A lone Anemone girl nestled in a beanbag chair absorbed in a book. Once, Goji spent hours lost in the pages of other worlds. Now she struggled to find her way out of her own head.

"Goji? You with me?" Marie asked gently.

"Mm."

"Do you need to get home to Kiyo?"

Goji checked the time. "I'm sure he's not even back from the plaza yet. I told him I wasn't coming straight home from work."

"Did you eat before you came?"

"No."

"You need dinner, don't you? Let's eat. Doesn't have to be here."

It was tempting. She hadn't had much appetite since starting medication, but food was slowly regaining its appeal. "I can stay a while longer."

Marie smiled. "I hoped you'd say so." She waved to their waitress to ask for menus. "I haven't been here since the last time with you."

"Me neither."

"Oh, look – new choices. Street noodles, udon... Some of your favorites."

Goji smiled slightly. It did seem as if the Monsoon grew just to welcome her back. Her stomach growled. "Are you sure you don't have somewhere to be? It's odd for you to have a whole weeknight free."

"Callie owes me one less favor," Marie said. "But for you I'd make all the time in the world."

Kiyo was late. He hoped his text to Goji would be enough to keep him out of trouble. It was a school night and he had exams to study for, but the weather was clear and Team KYLO had been on a winning streak. They all lost track of time. Goji said she was going out, but she was never gone long after a day of work.

He hurried up the stairs to the third floor of their building rehearsing his apology and praying Goji wasn't in a frayed state already. He checked his shoes and bag once more for ink and mud, and let himself in. "Goj, I'm – home..."

The flat was dark. Kiyo dug his phone from his pocket; there was no update from Goji. She must still be out. At least he wouldn't get a lecture.

He dropped his gear in his room and showered. By then it was after 8:00 and Goji still wasn't home. Kiyo tossed frozen fish sticks in the oven and spread out his history notes on the table, but he kept getting off track with glances at the clock. After half an hour he broke down and texted Goji, [You okay?] He scrolled dully through his socials until Goji replied.

[Yes, sorry sorry coming home.]

[Kay. See you soon.] He tried to focus on the successions of the Octarian Empire's first dynasty, wondering when he would ever need to know such things. His thoughts kept sneaking back to the team's victories. If they kept playing like they played tonight, it would be a killer summer season.

At a quarter to 9:00 he heard a key in the door. Goji came in and smiled at him. A bedraggled smile, but a smile nonetheless.

"Sorry I made you worry, bud."

"No problem. Where were you? You were gone for a while."

"I met Oly for tea. We ended up getting dinner." She sat at the table with him and spied his crumby plate. "I'm sorry. I assumed you ate at the plaza."

"I did. Still hungry." He grinned. "Er. How's Oly? I guess you got past your fight."

"We worked on it," Goji said.

He pushed his notes aside. "You seem pretty chill. Must've gone well."

"Better than I hoped. It was a first step. How was practice?"

Kiyo blinked at her. She hadn't cared to hear about turf war in weeks. Now she leaned on the tabletop, eyes meeting his instead of staring at the wall or floor. "Really good," he said. "We got in a groove tonight. Lita's on fire. I don't think I told you she joined a school team."

"Did she? Good for her."

"Hmph. It's just to impress a girl."

"Oh..."

"It's fine, it's fine." He waved off her sympathy with a smile. "It's not the first time she's talked about a girl. Or a boy. Just not me. It's okay. We've been friends so long it's weird to think of being anything else."

Goji nodded. "She's not leaving your team, is she?"

"No way. And we're going to have afresh season. I can feel it."

"It's your first year in the fourteen-plus bracket. I hope it's your best yet." Goji yawned. "I shouldn't interrupt your studying too long. What's tomorrow's final?"

"History. Gonna be all about ancient Octarian stuff."

"Hm. Next year you could ask Sera for help."

He felt suddenly foolish. "I can't believe I didn't think of that." What a perfect excuse it would've been to spend time together.

Goji laughed. "Good luck. You'll do fine."

She left him alone and cleaned up for bed, but instead of drifting like a ghost to her room she nested on the couch with her headphones. By the time Kiyo had crammed all he could hold and packed his backpack, Goji was asleep. He padded through the living room, turned off the light, and tucked her quilt around her. "Night, Goj," he whispered. She cooed and cuddled her pillow.

Kiyo went to his room. He didn't know what happened between Oly and his sister, but he hoped it would happen again soon. At least for tonight, Goji was something other than a shell or a wire ready to snap. She was almost happy, and the whole flat was calmer for it.

He too fell asleep with ease.