Hi! I'm back! Please thank killerquen32 for this update.
-Highly recommend listening to The Gospel of Mary by The Milk Carton Kids while reading this one. Totally optional, and not necessary But I recommend it when you reach "Her heart skipped a beat staring down at him." The lyrics have almost nothing to do with the plot but some of the words and DEFINITELY THE MELODY work. If you listen to something else though let me know in the reviews. See you at the next one!
Then
October 2016
"Don't you think you've had enough for one night?" David asked as she poured another glass of wine. She'd gone through a bottle and a half, but she hardly felt it. He didn't know how good she was at holding alcohol.
It was one of the few lessons she learned from Serena, and while she did her best to make sure she never abused the habit, she made damn well sure to take advantage when she needed to.
Given the state of her marriage. Now was as good a time as any.
"We'll split it," she said softly, pouring the rest of the bottle into the glass. It was a deep red wine. Crimson. The kind that would stain your lips if you weren't careful. She took another sip and closed her eyes feeling her body start to tingle and set into a permanent calm for the night. The same as it did every night for the past three weeks they spent together hauled up in the Hamptons so they could reconnect like he wanted.
She was glad she went. Going made her realize how much she still needed him, and how much she still loved him. It was a painful 21 days she knew, but she was glad she had that time with him, lately everything he did seemed so final. The way he kissed her, the way he held her. As if he was holding his breath, waiting to tell her what she feared he'd say since coming out of her coma.
That he couldn't get over losing the baby anymore than she could.
That he was tired of being tired, and that they should take a break. Some time apart. Not anything serious like a few months, but something fickle like a few weeks. He'd move back into their old condo. Their lives would continue as they had been. Silent. An imbalance of coexisting and grieving and uncertainty, but it'd be easier to do little things like breathe, and sleep at night. And he'd get addicted to that. The ease. The routine. The way that cute yoga instructor with the tight ass and the fake boobs smiles at him on the way out the door to the office. She'd slide in right under his nose.
She smirked to herself, almost wishing he would go for a woman like that.
But that wasn't his way. Not really. The reason why it was so easy to fall in love with him, when they first met was because she saw so much of herself in his character. Emotionally, they were a lot a like. She never had to worry about other women when they were together because David never let anyone in. Never let anyone get close. In his world there was just her.
And his partner.
The way Elliot had she and Kathy both. Though that was hardly the triangle she wanted to think about. To imagine- to acknowledge what was going on between Abbie and David was strapping herself to an ongoing carousel, she swallowed thickly.
"What's the special occasion?" She heard him ask, as he played with the hem of her dress.
Let's see.
It had been five months to the day since the attack. Almost four since she'd been up out of her coma. They were finally on the mend. It was time now to take things down another notch, and get back into the swing of things again. She didn't have a choice anymore. Or time to figure out how to forgive herself and let go. David was due for another trip half way across the world tomorrow. Another month whisked away with Abbie, who texted him six times last night asking when he'd be back.
His bags were packed. His briefcase was by the door. All of it staged so canonically, as if it were the basis of a major character development for a prime time TV show. He'd left little bits of him upstairs that she'd have to remember him by. His razor. The smooth executive cuts of stationary paper from his office. The latest book he'd read on traveling sea expeditions. All the things that had carried an echo the man he was. All the things she'd grown to love. And want. And miss.
She took another sip as she felt fear paralyze her again.
She already lost her son and now she was losing her husband. Would lose him if she didn't do something before this trip.
While they were away, she headed Lindstrom's advice and faced everything head on, and what she couldn't seem to handle she used David as a clutch. Even though she cried most of the time, it opened her marriage to a deeper layer of intimacy she didn't think existed, and suddenly life seemed livable again, but there was a dark cloud over every step she made towards her healing. Though they were talking, he was confiding in someone else. She would tell him everything and he was mute as a clam which was hard to digest considering it was him that begged her to stay. He didn't want her to leave and yet he was the one that kept disappearing all hours of the night to God knows where.
Emotionally he was further away than ever. And now she was just supposed to pretend like this trip wasn't going to change anything between them.
The last time he'd left for a considerable amount of time he came home with a Cancun tan from a spa in ski alps Switzerland. And while he claimed nothing had happened, and she on some level made peace with it and decided to look the other way, she knew that his story was a far stretch from being true. But she was married, and the baby was coming…Her life was right where she wanted it to be. She would've believed anything if it helped her cloud the thoughts threatening to ruin her perfect world. He kept her well fucked, well fed fed, and the backbone to live freely. She couldn't have asked for anything else. But now there was no baby, and their marriage was hanging by a thread. Her life mirrored more closely with to a prison than any call in the wild.
This time, when his fidelity was being called to question she couldn't convince herself that nothing was going on. Or that nothing ever would.
Though the thought was just as unsettling then as it was now, she had so much more to consider. She already let him spend their first anniversary with her, she wasn't about to let him spend the rest of his life with Abbie too. Despite everything that happened and all that was going on, she couldn't dispute the fact that David did love her immensely. That they were worth fighting for, and no matter what came in her future, she wanted him in hers.
So the special occasion?
She shifted her legs so he could touch her skin. "You," she said softly, dragging her polished finger nails along his arm.
He scoffed. A look of confusion on his face. "What?"
She could tell by his face he thought she was joking, but his tone was a mark of confusion and anger. A brief and bittersweet shortcut to more indifference. It made her face tingle. As if she'd just been slapped in the face.
"You're leaving tomorrow aren't you? We always make love before you leave for a big trip."
His expression dropped. His eyes softened but he only grew more frustrated and tense.
"Liv. No. You're drunk," he moved his hand away from her thigh and held up the wine bottle for emphasis.
Her eyebrows arched. "I'm not." She was offended he thought that. After Elliot she drank and slept her way through her life. Every relationship she had was a drunken after thought. Her entire track record with Cassidy had been carried on variants of Chardonnays and Malbecs. She was more intimate with the experience than she cared to be, but when she met David he changed all of that. When they were intimate she made sure she was always present with him. She wanted to be. Never wanted to miss a minute of loving him or being loved by him.
She thought he knew that.
"You are." He bit back. "You've been drunk the whole trip. Or did you think I wouldn't notice you going in and out all hours of the day?"
She fell asleep two a clock in the afternoon by the pool. Once. If he wanted to throw that in her face she didn't really care. He hadn't been home anyway. He said he had to run to the store, so what if she let herself go for a little bit. That was the point of the trip wasn't it?
"I'm not- I wasn't. I was just trying to relax…get some sleep" She said again, this time pulling on his sleeve. "Come on. Sit down. Sit with me."
He glared at her. His strong brows furrowing. "You need to eat something. You're melting away, and this isn't helping."
He took the glass away from her and disappeared into their kitchen. She flinched hearing the cabinets slam shut behind her before he came back out holding a meatball sandwich.
"Please eat it," he said, sitting down next to her, but he turned away before she could detect the look in his eyes.
Was it anger?
Sadness?
Disappointment?
She couldn't be sure. She just knew that in a few minutes it wouldn't matter. She licked her lips and tasted the wine on them as she slipped out of her heels before straddling him.
He turned away again but she ignored it. She was too caught up in his devastatingly good looks. When she woke from her coma and found out about the baby she made a point to not look at him for two reasons. One, she had been too heartbroken to face all the things she had lost in him that would have inevitably been in their son. And two, she was terrified that she'd find nothing but blame in his eyes. Resentment. Hatred. He never let her see that side of him, but she knew it was there beneath the surface, so she stayed away.
Until now.
Her heart skipped a beat staring down at him. Though the year had aged him, he was still the single most handsome man she'd ever seen in her life. He had the darkest hair, and the darkest eyes. The thickest eyebrows and the most perfect lips that would kiss her so sweetly…His tan olive skin was so beautiful and his features like the rest of his body was so hard and strong…
She always felt so safe in his arms. The way he touched her, and held her, made her feel like there was nothing he wouldn't do to protect her. Oh how she loved this man…
This perfect, irresistible man.
She palmed the side of his waist catching the fabric of his shirt with her fingers just so she could feel the muscles underneath them.
His body was hot, his skin naturally warm blooded compared to hers. Curling up to it after they made love was suffocating sometimes, but it felt good in the night. He was her favorite blanket.
Feeling him tower over her, their bodies pressed together while he was moving inside her, making her cum. Stretching her open again quickly became all she could think about.
They couldn't end here. Not tonight. Not like this. When there was so much they still could do together, she thought silently. She didn't want to share him. She didn't want to lose him. For one night, she just wanted to pretend everything was fine and normal. Get him inside her. Get him to remember how good they could be.
She shivered feeling his hand cup her face and tuck her hair behind her ear. Her body responding instantly like she knew it would with her guard down after so many months. Desperate to know and feel that he still loved her on some level.
"No." He whispered, stroking her cheek.
The word made her face sting. As if it were a derogative. She clenched her jaw together and sat against him, if only to pretend like he hadn't hurt her for the second time that night. She kissed his face lovingly, "It's been so long for us. You're really not going to-
He eyed her, locking her legs in place to keep her from moving against him."To what? Sleep with you while you're two bottles in?" - Like that's stopped him before.
Her throat clogged with an air tight bubble that sat in her chest at the reality that he probably just didn't want her anymore.
She must've said that out loud though because he kissed her. And then he kissed her again, making her mouth sore with each press of his lips. "I want you. I do. I want you. But you're forcing yourself, Liv. You know it and I know it. Even if your body's ready, you're heart's not. And I'm not doing that to you. I don't want our first time to be like this. You've had too much to drink. You're numb."
"I'm not drunk." She said it louder than she meant to, and he quieted. His dark piercing eyes narrowing at her.
"How many fingers am I holding."
She glared at him unamused. He was holding two, and- "Not enough to get me warmed up." She leaned up purposely and guided him between her legs so he could feel that she wasn't wearing anything underneath. Her breath hitched feeling him explore the softness there.
His touch alone, after so long, took her breath away. And she felt like she couldn't breathe. Her heart thudded heavy under her chest as his hand started to slide back and forth between her folds.
Daringly she rocked against his forearm. Amazed at how much she wanted him and how quickly she was falling apart.
The one thing she'd deprived herself of for months was the one thing that may have been able to pull her out of the hole she'd dug herself into. Her heart quickened at the thought and the room filled with her cries the harder she moved until she finally felt an overwhelming sense of heat rush through her.
She panted above him, waiting. Asking for permission to be kissed. He held her as silence engulfed them, and every moment was spent with him searching her eyes until he had the courage to get closer. Her eyes lowered on his lips watching them near and then run back to his so she wouldn't miss him. She didn't want to miss a moment of this.
She flinched feeling his lips brush against hers. Her breath hitched as he tried again. This time his tongue slipping under hers. He took her breath away. With every pull and twist, he took her breath away. And she felt herself unravel completely into him. Into warmth. Into darkness. Back blindly into loving.
Without safety. Without reservation.
"I- I don't. We don't have anything here to protect you. We haven't even talked about-"
"It's ok. I trust you," she opened up his jeans and pulled him out. His last wall of defense finally crumbling to the floor when she started to stroke him. She gasped as he gripped her. Kissed her. Got closer. One hand secured in her hair the other under her dress, locked underneath her hips.
They were passionate and hungry, and sloppy, both of them silently fighting for dominance with only the whisper of their kiss to goad them on.
And it all escalated so quickly...Before either of them had time to stop. Or think.
She moaned as his lips pulled away and started to suck her jaw and her neck. His kiss so heavy and warm. He was gentle with her nipples but ravenous with her breasts. Rough with his lips but soft when he started to stretch her again for the first time in months. It hurt. It really hurt. It had been too long without him, and her whole body went stiff. To help it, he immediately pulled her closer and captured her mouth again, until she felt the strength to wrap her arms around him and take control.
Let her keep the pace until she felt the comfort.
"David..." She sang silently into the night.
"Just let go, Liv. Let go….Let go, let go."
She felt confidence uncurling in her gut, and slowly started thrusting her hips into him.
She forgot how intoxicating making love with David could be. How utterly suffocating. How pleasurable, and fulfilling, and endless. She panted hard as her second orgasm came, shattering between them. The ease of their stroke so familiar and fluid. And easy.
He kissed her softly in-between each gentle thrust he took deeper inside her. His fingers planted against her clit. Their eyes locked on one another as they met each other again, and again, and again. Even after her eyes started to blur and flood, they kept the pace, slow, steady and deep.
"Keep loving me, just like that," she whispered softly. Her voice barely a breath against his skin. He felt so perfect, and so right. Even if the union was bittersweet and riddled with swift images of their past. He felt so perfect. Like ointment on a wound. She leaned into his touch feeling him swipe at her eyes and her and kiss and soothe every part of her.
He felt so good. Everything felt so good.
She moaned feeling her lips twist as he kissed her hungrily. His lips tasted like salt and sea mixed with her. His fingers embedded in her hair, holding her in place, as he started to thrust harder now. "Still and always my love…" he whispered, holding her closer. She groaned feeling her clit jump and another soul shattering orgasm rippled out of her.
She panted against his shoulder, her lips running open against his skin as she felt herself eclipse. Until he finally began to slow down. His stroking now more deliberate and delicate.
He spun her around and planted her firm on the cushion of the couch so he was on top, and hooked her thigh around his hips.
"Oh god yeah, fuck me," she breathed.
He didn't disappoint either. Her cries rang out in the room as he assaulted her, moving with urgency, force and determination. She couldn't even begin to put into words what he was doing to her. The sheer essence of his love making stole the words from her throat. She only knew that she felt alive. And loved. And fierce.
The security she felt knowing he was still able to love her like that, make love like that, kiss her like that, hold her like that…she knew no matter what they were going to be ok. They would survive their loss, and maybe find their way back to each other.
Her eyes closed instinctively as his head fell against hers.
Their bodies connected forehead to forehead.
The whole world silent as they panted together. One breath. One heart beat. One love.
She buried her fingers deep in her pussy, desperate to make herself cum again as he started to thrust harder now. Until at long last, she exploded everywhere. Her whole body shaking in rapturous torrents, sucking him in deeper.
"Yeah, come on," he urged her, his hand coming around to lock around her throat. "Come on, come on." Her face swelled as she lost all the air in her head. The power of her orgasm all but numb as she struggled to breathe. He groaned as she rolled them on the floor. The lock he had on her breaking as she towered above him. He tore the dress off her back. His hands now free to trail along all the stretch marks she still had from carrying their son. He leaned up to hug her and kiss them all while she struggled to keep the pace.
"Oh god, liv...God, Liv...," he wept into her shoulder. She hugged him closer and tried to kiss as many tears as she could away. While he held her hips in place and took all the control. It still wasn't enough. He caught her waist mid stroke and shoved her onto the table. Face down. Legs spread. All the decor sprawling on the floor as he lined up with her entrance again. Her body now slick with everything she'd since gave. She moaned feeling him enter again. Inch after inch disappearing back into her body. Both of them grunting and moaning as he fucked her hard and deep into the wood.
"Don't stop," she cried. "Don't stop..."
Even when her body began to bruise against the table. Even when she started to tender from all the orgasms. "Don't stop."
She didn't know when or how long it took for him to slow down and catch his breath, but when he did, he gathered her up and turned her around so they were face to face again. He lowered so they were close. Their arms and legs completely wrapped around each other. He stroked softer now. Gently. Her body now slowly sliding with the sweat on her skin as he captured her lips and they kissed.
But in the middle of it, she began to feel warmer. Fuller. Throbbing-
She tensed up.
"N- don't" She shoved him, and hurt herself feeling David pull out too quickly and then twist awkwardly back on to the couch. She looked at him half sorry that she hurt him, half terrified that it was too late.
"What? What's wrong?" He reached for her, a horrified look on his face. He said it more than asked and it gutted her. He quickly grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around her, before shoving his clothes over him. "God damn it, Olivia-
She stood up on her feet weakly hoping gravity would take.
But she could barely stand. Every second or so her legs would give out and force her to sit.
"Liv…" She knew her face was flushed from the sex, but she could tell he was devastated by her all the same. And that just made her want to cry more.
"I'm sorry," she croaked holding the blanket tighter around her.
Both of his hands came around her face. "What are you apologizing for?" He asked quietly, wiping her eyes.
For pushing you out of me, she wanted to say. But it wasn't his fault. She should've been more careful. She knew the risk and she begged him anyway. She should've known that after so long, they'd get caught up. Or maybe they always got caught up…
"I wanted you. I did. I-
"But you weren't ready. Like I said. Why did you lie to me?" He shook her head. "Why did you lie to me? Why did you do that?"
Making love out of fear that he'd leave her for Abbie seemed too ridiculous to say out loud now. So ridiculous it didn't even sound like the truth. Maybe it was more than that…she thought silently. Maybe she was just trying to find normalacy again. Get back to that place when things were good between them, because they always slept together if he had to go away. If they hadn't she would have had to add that to their already long list of marital casualties….
And she was just so tired of losing. She didn't want to go through that again. So for her. The choice to sleep with him..she wanted that. She did. It felt good. She missed it, but she was also painfully terrified of something happening. And that was on her not him.
"I didn't lie. It's ok," she whispered. Standing on her toes to kiss him once more. Her body coming to a stillness as she felt him running down her thigh. "I just got scared. That's all. Nothing's going to happen. I'm fine with it. I just didn't expect you so soon."
"No, I'm sorry. I should've asked, or warned you, or told you I was getting to that point." David said quietly. He was on the brink of breaking down again and it was evident all over his face.
"I led you on. I wanted you. I wanted to feel you inside me again. It wasn't your fault." Her voice sounded again. It was ruined and broken like everything else, but her vocal injuries had had come from a good place. Just like their loving. And she meant every word.
"That doesn't give you the right to take the blame. Or make what just happened ok." He argued.
She shrugged. "We can both be blameless. We love each other. We made love."
"You weren't ready. Not for that. Not for this."
For the possibility of another baby, he meant. She didn't want another one. She wanted Dominic. But she couldn't grieve him anymore the way she was grieving him. Life had to go on. As painful as it was to imagine, she couldn't deny it anymore than she could stand to accept it.
"You're right, I wasn't," she admitted. The panic, fear and the grief of losing the baby came rushing back. And she felt the air escape her lungs again. "But I had too… We had too," she heard herself say mechanically. As if she were trying to convince herself of that fact too. "We should be intimate again. I need you and I miss you, and I love you." She held him in her arms again.
"So are we trying again?" He asked, holding her face against the moon light. Losing Dominic gutted them both but seeing Olivia in pain everyday butchered David in ways he couldn't speak for. He thought trying for another baby would help things, but she was so uninterested in sex that he never pushed. He just trusted that she would come to him when she was ready, but by her reaction, it was clear that wasn't the case.
She leaned into his touch. "I just want you to know that I'd do anything for you." She kissed his hand. "You mean the world to me. And I know I haven't…I haven't been there the way you've needed me to be, but that doesn't mean I don't love you. And that I don't want you. I love you with my whole heart, David. Like I've loved no one else and I don't want to ever lose you."
David pulled her in closer. "You are never going to lose me. Never. I love you more than anything in this world." He kissed her. "I just…I don't want you to hurt yourself Olivia. Ever. Not for me. Or anyone. And I don't want you to worry, and I don't want you to be afraid. All I want is for you to be happy. That's it. That's all that matters to me. Don't worry about the rest. When I get back, everything will be go back to the way it was. I promise you, everything's going to be right again. You'll see. Ti amo più della mia vita."
Olivia closed her eyes as they began to flood while he hugged her and kissed her. The sense of finality had returned. And while she spent the night safe in his arms they were unforgiving and rich with uncertainty. Even crueler was the morning as it crept deep and soundless taking with it all her dreams of life.
Uh oh.