I just want to wish everyone Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Enjoy!
Chapter 25
"Jay Halstead, good to see you finally managed to grace us with your presence here." Jay let the sarcastic remark rolled off his back and took the seat across the table from the group of Commanders, trying not to be intimidated by the judgmental looks on their faces.
"Thank you for giving me this meeting," Jay recited, almost robotically. If he had his choice, he'd be anywhere but here in the Ivory Tower, pleading to get his badge back. But after talking with Erin and Voight—who was decidedly mute about how he even managed to get Jay this meeting—he swallowed his pride and went home for a quick change into his police blues and now here he was, sitting in the hot seat ready to justify himself for killing a psychopath that murdered and kidnapped multiple people.
"Commander Rawley here said that you disobeyed direct orders, displayed insubordinate behaviors and turned in your badge at your own volition. Frankly, I don't know why we're wasting our time sitting here with you but Commander Fischer there insisted that we had to listen to what you have to say," Commander Franklin spouted, giving a side eye look at Commander Fischer who just looked down at the table. Jay scoffed to himself.' Probably blackmail from Voight.' Jay thought to himself, having a clearer picture of what antics Voight used to get Jay this meeting. The Sergeant told him when Jay went back to the district that he had convinced the Ivory Tower to sit down for a meeting and it was all he could do, everything else was up to Jay now. And after hearing Commander Franklin listed off how Jay had lost his badge, he wasn't holding much hope of actually getting it back. If there was one thing that the egomaniacs in the Ivory Tower hated the most, it was being shown up by lesser ranking officers and Jay had practically cussed out Rawley in front of Intelligence and whoever else that was listening in the Chicago Med's waiting room and judging by the look of disdain on his face right now, Rawley hadn't forgotten that.
"I want to apologize for my actions at the hospital," Jay said, trying not to sound bitter about his apology. He knew he didn't regret what he did but he did want to go back and tell Erin that he did whatever he could to get his badge back. "I was out of line and it didn't matter what was happening, it was a line I shouldn't have crossed."
"You made it clear that your badge wasn't important to you, Detective," Rawley argued, a scowl on his face. "You clearly made your choice back at the hospital that you'd rather waste time and stay there instead of doing your job."
"I wasn't wasting time. I was scared for my girlfriend," Jay bit out. He took a deep breath, trying to control his anger, knowing it wasn't going to help him in this moment. He clenched his fists under the table. "I was worried," he tried again, trying to sound more in control. "for another police officer. The police officer who was abducted and was almost killed after she risked her life so she can save another woman's life."
"Detective Erin Lindsay," Franklin read off the file. "We're aware of the situation."
"I was caught at a bad time," Jay replied, trying to explain himself. "We didn't know if she was going to make it and I was being ordered to come in and justify myself for shooting the person that kidnapped and killed several people, including a member of the Chicago Police Department. But that didn't give me the right to disrespect Commander Rawley."
"We'll put that off for now and focus on the actual shooting. The report here said that you shot your service pistol five times."
"That's right."
"You can see why we'd think it's a little excessive right?"
Jay stared them down. "He was about to kill Detective Lindsay. She was lying on the ground, unconscious and defenseless and he was about to shoot her, after already having shot her, I might add. So yeah, I took quick actions to make sure he didn't. So no I don't believe I was excessive in protecting a police officer's life."
"The officer who is also your girlfriend," Rawley interjected.
"What does that matter?"
"Well personal relationship matters," Rawley said with a condescending smile on his face. "Maybe that personal nature of your relationship caused you to make a misjudgment and kill Stan Rappaport."
"I would've done the same thing if it was anybody else lying on the ground, not just Detective Lindsay," Jay argued. "I took an oath to protect and serve and I would've protected anybody else from that psychopath." Jay felt himself getting heated again, wanting to wipe that smirk off Rawley's face with his fists. "That's what I do daily on the job and that's what I've done every since I took the oath and they pinned the badge on my chest."
"Almost like you're implying something there Halstead," Rawley said, leaning back in his seat. "Are you saying we're not real police?"
"No that's not what I'm saying," Jay replied, although he was thinking it inside. "I'm just saying that I care more about protecting people that I swore to protect rather than worrying about the optics, red tapes and the bureaucracy of everything."
"We care about people," Franklin argued, anger in his voice. "We don't just care about going after good police."
"Yeah?" Jay retorted. "Is that why in the past ten minutes I've been here you haven't once asked how Detective Lindsay is doing? Because you care so much about the actual people right?" Jay couldn't bite his tongue.
"We're not the one under scrutiny here," Franklin barked. "We don't have to defend ourselves to you."
"You're right. I am." Jay sighed. "Look I don't really know what you want from me here. I shot Stan Rappaport and I did it to save another police officer's life. Yes, she's my girlfriend and we have a personal relationship but I am telling you," Jay stressed, pointing his index finger on the table to make his point. "I would do the same to protect anyone else in that situation. I am a good detective and I am a damn good police. I take the oath I took seriously and I have fulfilled it since the moment I got my badge. I made a mistake in the hospital and crossed the line, I'll admit to that. But everything else, I don't regret what I did. You can investigate the shooting all you want, look over all the evidence and all the footage you have. It was a clean kill and it was a good shoot. I stand by it." Jay released a breath after his rant. "So if you want to strip me officially then go ahead but I know I've done nothing wrong here and I deserve to have that badge."
The group of them were quiet, all exchanging looks with each other and glancing over at Jay every so often but Jay was done. He had nothing more to say, he said everything he could. If they wanted to keep his badge then so be it. He was not going to beg or plead his case any longer.
After what felt like a very tense hour—the leaders all in a hush hush conversation that Jay couldn't hear—Franklin finally addressed Jay. "Well Detective Halstead, we have a lot more to discuss amongst ourselves. We will let you know our decision soon but in the meantime, you are still stripped."
Jay stood up and nodded. "Okay," he said, knowing that there was nothing he could do but wait. He studied the faces of the group, Franklin and the other Commanders' faces blank and unreadable but Fischer gave him a small nod as if to say he was on Jay's side. That little support was negated by the sneer on Rawley's face that was glued on ever since Jay stepped foot inside the office, still holding a grudge against Jay. "Thank you for your time." Jay said and he left the room, releasing the top button of his uniform and tugging to loosen his tie as he walked out of the Ivory Tower, his future in Chicago as a detective up in the air.
Jay smiled when he saw Erin when he got back to the hospital. She was watching something on the television, not knowing he was standing there and he took the opportunity to study her in silence, knowing that she had a tendency to hide how she was really doing in front of others so she won't worry them. She was beautiful, Jay thought to himself, but he couldn't deny that she looked exhausted and the fact that she looked so small in the hospital bed, dressed in the hospital gown, just made her look more fragile. She was just so precious to him and he just wanted to protect her from everything bad in the world. Whatever she was watching had her completely captivated and had her eyes glued to the screen. He knocked gently on the door to alert her. Her face lit up when she saw him and his heart soared, his own face grinning wide.
"Hey," Erin said, her voice still soft and raspy as she held out her hand, beckoning him to come closer. He didn't need another invitation to be next to her and he stepped closer, intertwined his fingers with hers and he sat down in his usual seat after giving her a kiss. "How did it go?"
Jay shrugged. "As good as it could've I guess," Jay replied. "They didn't say I was never going to get my badge back so that's good." Erin frowned, wanting more specific answer. "They're going to let me know their decision." His answer didn't put the look of worry on her face to ease and he just knew that she was thinking back to when she was in the same situation and her leaving Chicago. Only this time if he had to leave, he knew he wouldn't be alone. He'd be with Erin. "It's going to be fine." He wanted to put her at ease. She just returned a small smile in reply. "What's going on?" She looked like there was something on her mind.
"Crowley came by earlier." Jay frowned at her words, wondering why the Commander was here. He noticed that she wasn't at his meeting earlier but he was too occupied with other things to figure out the whereabouts of the Commander. "She umm…" Erin paused, searching for words to tell Jay. "She offered me my position back in Intelligence."
Jay's eyebrows rose to his forehead. "Really?" Safe to say, he was surprised to say the least. "Back in Intelligence?" Erin nodded, letting out a small chuckle. "Wow, that's big. What did you tell her?"
"Well first, I kind of chewed her out," Erin grimaced. "I thought she was giving me your job so I kind of yelled at her for thinking that I would be willing to replace you." Jay chuckled softly, the image of Erin pissed off playing in his mind. He just hoped that she went easy on Crowley. "But then she reassured me that it was not meant to be a replacement for you."
"Did you give her an answer?"
Erin shook her head. "No. I mean, I don't even know how I feel about it to be honest." Jay's eyes were inquiring her to elaborate. "Me back in Intelligence? Back in Chicago? I don't know. Plus you don't even have your badge right now. Everything is just complicated."
Jay ran his finger through her hair, smiling at her. "I get it," he said, reassuring her. "Did she say why?"
"Apparently we're getting popular," Erin said, laughing. Jay frowned, looking at her confused. "Somehow the footage of me falling and you shooting Stan are all over the internet and T.V and Kim said the public was on our side," Erin explained, rolling her eyes thinking how ridiculous everything was. "did you know about it?"
Jay shook his head. He really didn't. He'd been practically isolated from the society as much as she had been the past few days. The only time he'd been outside was when he went home for the quick shower and when he went to the station then the Ivory Tower. He was completely in the dark about everything.
"Ruzek was rambling about me going viral or something like that earlier when I was at the station but I wasn't really paying attention." He had been too occupied, his only purpose to be at the station was to listen to what Voight had to say about him getting his badge back and him trying to make a quick of an exit as possible. So he had just nodded, his mind elsewhere, when Ruzek caught him and started chattering in his ears.
"Yeah, apparently the footage went viral. So I guess this is Chicago P.D's way of gaining some good publicity for once, giving me my job back."
"You deserve that job," Jay stated, leaning forward. "You should've never been stripped in the first place anyway. Really Erin, out of all the crap that we've seen and done by C.P.D, you shouldn't have been kicked out of the unit in the first place." That was a fact he truly believed and he would say it to anyone who'd listen until he was blue in the face.
"Maybe," Erin just replied. "I just told her that I needed time to think about it. I didn't want to make any decisions without you." Jay smiled at her words, touched by the fact that she was considering him in making any major decisions. "Besides if you aren't going to get your badge back then there's really no decision to make. I want to be where you are and if you're going to take that job in SVU then that's where I'll be." The smile grew on Jay's face and the corner of his eyes crinkled in happiness. He leaned forward and connected their lips, their lips moving in a slow rhythmic fashion, just enjoying the closeness and taste of each other.
"And if I do get my badge back?" Jay questioned, his face just inches away from her, studying her eyes. "What do you think then?"
"Then we'll decide together," Erin replied, holding Jay's gaze. "Here or New York, as long as we're together right?"
"Right," He closed the distance with another kiss. "As long as we're together," he said into the kiss.
Erin ended up spending another week in the hospital, although if someone asked her, it felt like years to her. She hated being trapped in the bed, being poked and prodded and undergoing so many tests and exams that she just wanted to push everyone away, no matter how good their intentions were. Her only reprieve was Jay's constant presence by her side and her team members visiting her whenever they had a chance.
Finally, she got the good news that she'd been waiting for ever since she woke up—she was going home.
Although home was a relative term for her right now. New York, Chicago. Everything was still up in the air. Jay still hadn't gotten a decision from the Ivory Tower about whether he'd be getting his badge back and despite him trying to hide it from her, she knew it was making him anxious. She couldn't blame him, understanding his desire to just have all the cards on the table and then they could finally decide on their future together.
"Alright," Connor said, smiling widely to deliver the good news. "Everything looks good. Now I want you to take it easy for the next month or two okay? Get a lot of rest. I'd order you to bed rest but I have a feeling you won't follow that order. So just listen to your body. If it's telling you it's tired, rest up. Get a lot of sleep and let yourself truly recover. You can't be on active duty yet. Your injuries are healing nicely but it doesn't mean you're Superwoman."
"Yeah yeah," Erin mumbled impatiently. She was just dying to hear the words that she would be discharged today and would be able to go home.
Connor chuckled, seeing Erin's impatience. "You would need physical therapy in a couple of weeks, build your strength back up. Your neurological and physiology exams look good. It'd also be a good idea for you to talk to someone about what you've been through." Connor looked over her chart one more time."Other than that, you're free Erin. You can go home today."
A round of cheers erupted in the hospital room as her team cheered her release.
"Guys, this is still a hospital," Connor chided, waving his hand to quiet down the loud group. "The nurse will be by in a little bit with the discharge papers. Erin," Connor got serious, "If you feel anything is wrong or if you need anything, call me. Anything at all okay?"
"Thanks," Erin said, patting Connor's hand. "For everything."
"Just doing my job," Connor replied. Jay got up from his seat and shook Connor's hand, showing his gratitude toward the doctor for saving Erin's life.
"So congrats for finally getting out of here," Adam said, giving Erin a congratulatory kiss on the head. "Anything you want to do first?"
"Eat a really good burger," Erin replied. She hadn't had a huge appetite since being in the hospital but for the first time since she woke up, she was actually craving for something. "A huge juicy burger sounds amazing right now."
"You got it!" Adam replied, giving her a grin. "Anything you want. We have to celebrate."
Kim smacked Adam's chest. "No, did you not hear what Dr. Rhodes said?" Kim chided, rolling her eyes. "Erin needs to take it easy."
"We'll celebrate easily then," Adam shot back. "We'll come over to Halstead's place with food and we can just sit and watch some games or movies and just take it easy."
While Erin wanted to spend time with everyone, the whole thing sounded exhausting to Erin. And if she was being honest, she was just really looking forward to spending time with Jay in his place, just the two of them. And judging by the glare Jay was sending Adam, he was thinking the same thing.
"Or we can just do that in a couple of days after Erin had settled down ," Kim suggested, already knowing Erin's wishes. "Then we can go to Halstead's or…Sergeant…" Kim paused, not knowing where Erin would be staying at now that Stan was dead.
"Halstead's," Voight answered, speaking for the first time since he'd arrived. He had been quiet, just standing off to the side and just watching over the group. "She'll stay at Halstead's." Erin looked over to Voight, surprised by his answer. Not that she was planning on staying elsewhere but she thought she'd have to work to convince Voight to let her stay with Jay now that her life was no longer in danger. But she saw him and Jay exchanged a look between the two of them and she narrowed her eyes in suspicion. But for now, she let it go, just relieved that she didn't have a fight on her hand about staying with Jay.
"Okay," Adam said dejectedly, like he had been planning the party for a long time. "We'll postpone the party then."
The group had finally left after another hour or so, but not before being scolded by a nurse to keep it quiet—and Erin was glad for the more peaceful atmosphere. Not that she didn't love her team and everyone but it was tiring her out and she was starting to get a headache. However, she wasn't about to admit that to anyone so they wouldn't change their mind about her getting discharged. She was leaving the hospital today, she was determined.
"What was that about?" Erin asked Voight, after having been left alone with him. Jay had left the room to turn in her discharge papers and sign her out so she had a couple of minutes alone with the older man.
"What was what about?"
Erin rolled her eyes. "That look that you and Jay exchanged. Not to mention, you practically insisting that I stay with Jay."
Voight shrugged. "Are you saying you don't want to stay with Halstead? Because your room is still available at my house, in perfect condition." Erin shook her head. "Yeah that's what I thought. Just thought I'd save both of us the energy and time and a fight so you can stay with Halstead."
"Hmm," Erin hummed, still suspicious. "I guess. But I still saw that look."
Voight sat down next to Erin, crossing his arms. "Let's just say Halstead and I have an understanding with each other."
"What does that mean?" Erin asked. "I swear Hank, if it's some archaic manly prideful father of the bride thing…"
"I wasn't aware that you two were engaged."
"We're not," Erin denied, blushing. "I'm just saying."
"That you two might get engaged?" Voight questioned, face stoic.
"Okay," Erin held up her hand, "Can we get off the subject about me and Jay getting engaged." She begged. It was too soon for the topic even though she couldn't ignore the butterflies that started fluttering in her stomach at the thought of her and Jay being engaged and getting married. But she pushed that to the side. They already had a lot on their plates right now; they didn't need the added pressure of a wedding and a marriage on top of it just yet.
"So you don't want to marry Halstead? Good to know. The thought of Halstead becoming an official family member and having to sit across from him every Holiday," Voight shuddered.
Erin scoffed, indignant on Jay's behalf. "I did not say that I didn't want to marry Jay. And you can deny it all you like Hank but I know you actually like Jay for me. Not to mention you two are buddy-buddy now, you're helping him to get his badge back and exchanging secret looks with one another."
"You're like a pitbull. You know that kiddo?" Hank chuckled fondly. "You don't ever let up. Fine, if you must know," Hank started, sitting closer to Erin. "I will admit that I haven't always been too fond of your relationship with Halstead. Romantic relationships between partners always get complicated. Always. It did get complicated between you two."
"That's history Hank."
Voight raised his brows at Erin for interrupting him. Erin relented, telling Voight to continue. "But I can't deny how much he loves you, even after you two being apart for the past couple of years. Halstead, you know he'd always been a pain in my butt," Voight said, chuckling. "Ever since he joined Intelligence. Always a stickler for the rules, always questioning and second guessing me thinking he knows better, wanting to do things by the books." Erin nodded, recalling the many times that Jay and Voight clashed over the differences when it came to their morals. "But I saw how he was when you went missing. How far he was willing to go for you. How far he did go. Giving up his badge might be the stupidest thing I've ever seen him do but he did it because he wasn't leaving your side." Voight paused. "You two are going to be together no matter what I or anyone say, I see that now. But I trust him with you. I trust him to have your back 24/7," Voight admitted, his face scrunched up like he was swallowing a lemon. Erin chuckled, knowing just how hard it was for Voight to admit he was wrong about Jay or that he had given Jay his full approval. His approval was something Voight always had dangled in front of Jay, just pulling it out of reach no matter how close Jay got. Jay never admitted it to her but she knew that Voight had been a sore spot in their relationship sometimes and she couldn't blame him. She had walked away from him once just because she was afraid to go against Voight and she walked away a second time after taking Voight's advice to not look back.
"Thank you," Erin said, holding Voight's hand. "I know how much you're hating this conversation. But I love him so much and I've tried to take your advice and not look back but I can't do it any longer. I don't want Jay to just be in my past. He's my future Hank."
"Yeah, I know," Voight replied.
"And thank you for getting Jay a meeting with the Ivory Tower."
"That I would've done regardless," Voight said, catching Erin by surprise. "Halstead is a good detective and I'm lucky to have him in my unit. I want him in my unit."
"I just don't know why they are taking so long with the decision," Erin griped. "It's been a week."
"Yeah they just like to see people sweat, exert their power," Voight shrugged.
"You don't look worry," Erin noticed. "You think he has a good shot at getting it back?" Voight nodded. "I hope you're right."
"Hey," Jay came in, grinning widely. "It's done. You're officially discharged!" Erin did a little cheer in her bed, excited to finally be leaving the hospital and going home. "I brought you some clothes you can change into."
Voight stood up. "That's my cue to leave." He gave Erin a kiss on her forehead. "Congrats kiddo. I'll be by to visit you after you get settled." Erin nodded, holding Voight's hand before letting go. Voight turned to Jay. "Take care of her, got it?"
"Always," Jay said, shaking the outstretched hand of Voight. "You can trust me."
Voight didn't say anything, just keeping his eyes on Jay. Then the older man just gave him a nod before leaving the hospital. Erin watched the interaction between the two most important people in her life silently. Voight might not be the most open person—none of them were really—but it was clear to Erin that Voight trusted Jay completely. She believed Voight when he said that he wanted Jay on his unit, she just wasn't sure if Jay would remain in Intelligence.
Jay had insisted on carrying her bridal style up to his place, despite her many protests that she was able to walk with her crutches. Finally Erin gave in and let herself be lifted off the seat and he tugged her close to his chest and carried her up the elevators to his place. He opened the door the best he could with one hand and they crossed the threshold, Jay flipping the switch and letting his place filled with lights.
Erin had managed to convince Jay to return to his place a few times throughout the week, although Jay never stayed long enough—insisting he slept better by her side even in the chair. But he had cleaned up his place enough for Erin's return. He dropped her gently on the couch like she asked, after declining his offer to take her to their bed. She just wanted to be in the living room for right now and just relax. He covered her with a blanket that always remained on the couch and tucked her in, kissing her forehead. She smiled, holding his arm gently to thank him.
"I'll go get the rest of the stuff from the car," Jay said, reluctantly pulling away from Erin. "You need anything before I go?" Erin shook her head. "Okay, I'll be right back." He kissed her one more time before leaving.
Erin sat on the couch, just glancing around the room. Even though it had been nearly two weeks since Erin had been here, everything looked the same and Erin felt like she was home. Her eyes remained on their Christmas tree and she smiled, thinking back to the thoughtful gesture that Jay did for her—bringing her the tiny Christmas tree by her bedside. She felt so lucky to have Jay in her life again and that somehow it was her that he loved. Growing up, she never really cared about love and was instead focused on survival. Even when Hank and Camille took her in and showed her what love was like for the first time in her life, there was a part of Erin that still had walls up around her heart. Familial love, she understood thanks to the Voights but romantic love? That was far too much trouble, as far as Erin was concerned. That string of broken hearts like Voight loved to call it was just another way of Erin protecting herself, her way of not becoming like Bunny who seemed to fall in love every five minutes with different men, only to have a revolving door of men coming in and out of her life. But it was so different with Jay. It always had been. He had been unlike any other men she had met in her life—caring, considerate, and dependable. Just everything she never knew she needed or wanted.
The front door opened and the subject of her thoughts walked through, trying to balance himself while holding all of Erin's stuff, including her crutches that she'd have to use to get around until her thigh healed. She smiled widely seeing his face, he just made her so happy. He returned her smile when he saw her, dropping all the stuff off by the door and walking over to her, sitting gently on the open spot next to her. She leaned into his arms, resting her head on his chest and he laid a kiss on the crown of her head.
"How are you feeling?"
"Great," Erin replied honestly. She had a bit of a headache like Connor said she would but she still felt good just being home. "Happy to be home."
Jay smiled at her calling his place home. "Might not be home for much longer," he said, glancing around the place. Even though they both had tried not to think about it too much, the question of where they'd be in a few weeks still weighed heavily on their mind. Everything was still up in the air—whether Jay would get his badge back, New York or Chicago, SVU or Intelligence.
"Yeah maybe." Erin sighed as Jay began to run his fingers through her hair gently, lulling her to a sleepy state. "We still have to figure things out."
"Tomorrow," Jay said as he pressed his face into her hair. "Tonight, I just want you to relax and rest." He tightened his arms around her stomach. "I'm just so happy that you're home. That you're okay." She could hear Jay's heart beat steadily underneath as she remained pressed to his chest and it was the perfect soundtrack to the night. Just the two of them, sitting on the couch in each other's arms. It was all she needed and she was so close to not having it ever again.
"Me too."
"I love you," Jay said, pressing his lips to the side of her head. She looked up so she could see him and laid her hand on his chest, right over his heart. She lifted her head up to catch his lips and he smiled, leaning in to meet her lips. The kiss was like a summer rain—warm, gentle and welcomed. She moved her lips against his, her arms curling around him so she could reach just enough to play with the hairs on the nape of his neck. He cupped her face gently, fingers ghosting over the shell of her ears and his lips pressed harder. He swallowed her sounds of pleasure, answering her demand for more and she pressed herself closer to him until their chests were flushed against each other, just fabrics in between them—no space.
He gave her a couple of pecks before he pulled away, resting his forehead against her, breathing hard. "God, I missed this." He pecked her swollen lips again. "I thought I'd never be able to kiss you again." His voice was heavy and she placed her hands around his arms that were holding her face. "I almost lost you and if I did.." Erin cut him off with another kiss, wanting to abate his fears. He was falling apart at the thought of losing her and she wanted him in her arms and to hold him up, keep him from completely crumbling and fight away his unfounded fears.
"But I'm okay. I'm here with you." Erin held his face so she could look at him straight in the eyes. "Thanks to you, I'm alive. You found me and you saved me. Thank you." He closed his eyes and he kissed the tip of her nose. "Thank you," she repeated as his head dropped to her shoulder and she held onto him tightly, she wasn't letting go ever.
Erin stirred awake in bed and reached over to find Jay. She was cold and she wanted his warmth. Her eyes jerked awake when she saw the side of his bed empty, the sheets crumbled up and cold. She could hear the soft voices coming from the television playing in the living room, letting her know where Jay was. She got up gently, reaching over for her crutches and she made her way out to her man.
He was sitting on the couch, remote in his hand, while his eyes remained on the screen. But there was a blank look on his face, like he wasn't even paying attention to whatever was playing on the T.V. He noticed her and he stood up immediately and made his way over to her.
"Are you okay?" He sounded worried and scared at her appearance and she felt bad for scaring him.
"I'm fine," she answered quickly to calm him down. "I just missed you in bed." He released a sigh of relief and he helped her over to the couch, resting her crutches by the arm rest and propped her feet on the coffee table, placing a blanket over her to keep her warm.
"Sorry if I woke you up," Jay said as he sat back down, arms coming around her shoulders.
"Are you okay?" Erin asked, concerned. She knew that whenever Jay was having trouble sleeping or if there was something on his mind, he'd try to drown out the noises with late night television shows—either some boring documentaries or some mind numbing infomercials so he can fall back asleep.
Jay shrugged. "Just had some trouble sleeping."
"You want to tell me?"
"You should go back to sleep," Jay said, hand gently massaging Erin's shoulders. "You need plenty of rest."
"So do you," Erin shot back, "Besides I couldn't sleep without you. You keep me warm." Jay chuckled softly.
"So I'm just your blanket then huh?"
"The best," Erin said, wrapping her arm around his waist. "The only one I need." She let him play with her hair but she wouldn't let him avoid her question. "What's going on Jay?"
He sighed, knowing she wasn't going to let this go. "I just couldn't fall asleep."
"Nightmare?" Erin asked, already knowing the answer. Jay nodded, confirming her suspicions. "Tell me."
He let out a deep sigh. "Every time I close my eyes, I see you falling out of that window over and over again. No matter how fast I run, I couldn't get there fast enough. It's like I was totally helpess." He admitted in a small voice and he just sounded so broken that she just wanted to fix everything for him and make everything better. The only thing she could do was to stroke his chest softly over and over again. "I know you're okay, I get that. But it's like my brain knows it but my heart isn't there yet."
"Me too." Really she was feeling the same way as he was. Watching herself fall and hit the ground was traumatizing and she really should've listened to Kim and shouldn't have watched it. Like Jay, she knew that she'd be alright physically but there was still this feeling in her chest that was weighing her down. Connor suggested talking to someone about it and perhaps it was a good idea to go back and talk to Dr. Charles, the doctor having helped her out tremendously when she first started seeing him. "I think if I wasn't so tired physically then I'd be having trouble sleeping too."
Jay frowned, kissing her cheeks. "I'm sorry for waking you up."
"Come back to bed with me? I'll sleep better with you next to me." He nodded, standing up and placed his arms underneath her knees to carry her back to bed, kissing her head as she clung onto him. He laid her down gently on the bed and covered her with their blanket before getting into his side of the bed. She immediately sought out his warmth and she settled into his embrace, her arms around his waist. Now she was warm and she felt safe. She just needed him by her side to be happy.
"I can't wait until everything settles back down," she whispered into his chest and she felt him nod above her, agreeing. She had her suspicions that one of the reasons why Jay was so restless was because of the still unknown and everything still being in a limbo. Maybe when they had finally received the decision from the Ivory Tower, Jay would feel more at ease.
They finally got the decision they've been waiting for the next day. Jay had been called down to the Ivory Tower because IAD had finally made their decision on whether Jay would get his badge back. He was hesitant to leave her alone at home but there was no way she was making him miss it because of her. She reassured him several times that she'd be fine and declined his suggestions of bringing someone over to take care of her in the meantime. But frankly, Erin didn't want someone fussing over her so she told Jay that she'd rather spend the alone time sleeping and relaxing. He agreed after some convincing and he left her with a kiss.
She was a nervous wreck the whole time he was gone as she waited for the news—not knowing whether it'd be good or bad. She wanted Jay to get his badge back because he was a great detective and an amazing cop and she hated the thought of something like this marring his record. She tried to distract herself by going online shopping. She had been given time off from SVU for six weeks while she recovered and had decided to spend Christmas in Chicago and she hadn't gone shopping at all. She had no presents for any of the people in her life and she needed to change that immediately now that she was staying in town for the time being. So she browsed Amazon and various websites trying to look for perfect presents for the important people in her life, hoping that not only she'd find the perfect presents but they'd offer next day delivery too since Christmas was fast approaching in less than a week.
Even though she tried to distract herself, she couldn't help but look over at her phone every five minutes, waiting for a message or a call from Jay. The suspense was killing her and she needed to know. But the black screen didn't change, much to her dismay.
After spending an obscene amount of money—more for overnight shipping than the presents really—she still found herself waiting to hear from Jay. She tried calling Voight to see if he knew anything but he wasn't at the station either and wasn't picking up his phone. She wanted to throw her useless phone against the wall. Seriously if it wasn't going to give her the answer or connect her to a person that could give her the answer, what good was it?
Thankfully before she flung the object into the wall, the door clicked open and Jay walked in, his police jacket in his arms and his button up untucked with the sleeves rolled up. His face was unreadable and Erin turned her body on the couch, trying to get a better look at Jay. He just made his way over to the couch and plopped down, remaining tight lipped.
"Well?" Erin asked, frustrated that he didn't tell her straightaway. "What happened? What did they say?" She was practically bouncing off the seat, anxious to know the answer and the relaxed demeanor of Jay was making her mad. He just turned his head to look at her before looking down and Erin's heart fell. "They didn't give you your badge back?"
"I'm sorry Erin," Jay said quietly and Erin reached out to him, her hand on his shoulder to comfort him.
"It's okay Jay," she offered weakly, hurting on his behalf. "It's gonna be okay."
"No," Jay said, shaking his head. "I'm sorry but you're going to have a difficult decision on your hand because I got my badge back." His face widened into a grin and Erin was shocked, confused by the sudden change. When she finally realized that it was just Jay teasing her, she smacked his arms.
"God, Jay!" she griped. "You totally had me." He laughed, his blue eyes sparkling. "So you did get your badge back?" Jay nodded, holding it up. "Congrats babe!" She smiled, giving him a kiss. "You deserve it."
"Apparently most of the Commanders agree," Jay said, wrapping his arms around her and giving her a deep kiss in return. "Well, except maybe Rawley. He still hates me." Jay shrugged, laughing. "Oh well. I've been suspended without pay for a month but after doing my time, I'm going to be reinstated."
"A Commander hating you should be a badge of honor at this point," Erin said. "We should celebrate. What do you want to do?"
"Well the thing I want to do we can't for another couple of weeks," he replied, raising his brows suggestively. "So how about we do the next best thing?"
It turned out the next best thing for Jay was to spend the day just lounging around, doing nothing but cuddling with one another. They laid wrapped up in each other on the bed, Sports Center playing on the screen and Jay looked so content, kissing her every so often. She tried to focus on the television and be in the moment but her mind kept getting distracted. She was feeling unsettled and she wasn't sure why.
The next day Jay had to go to the precinct for a short while to inform Voight and get his paper works in order. She knew that he had noticed her being distracted all morning, glancing over at her worriedly every so often. She had tried to pretend that everything was fine but she knew she didn't fool him. He was reluctant even more today to leave her behind but she had practically pushed him out the door, especially when Olivia had arrived to check in on her. He frowned, still worried about her, before finally relenting and left but not before making sure she knew that she could call him if she needed anything and that he loved her. She returned those words back to him, the only moment of the day where she genuinely smiled.
"Are you okay Erin?" Olivia asked as they sat side by side on the couch. "You look pale."
"I'm okay," Erin replied, sipping on her cup of tea that Olivia made. "It's winter in Chicago and I haven't been in what little sun we do get in weeks. I'm practically a vampire at this point." She tried to make a joke but she knew Olivia wasn't exactly buying her fake cheerful demeanor. So she tried another approach. "So the team left and went back to New York already?"
Olivia nodded, resting her cup on the table and propped her hand on the back of the couch. "Yeah, they left yesterday. They wanted to stop by to see you again before they left but they thought it'd be better to let you rest." Everyone had been by to Jay's place since she was discharged but it was a quick visit because she had been tired out quickly and they wanted her to rest properly. But still she was glad that at least she got to see her SVU team one more time before they left.
"That's okay," Erin said. "I'll see them again soon."
Olivia looked like she had something she wanted to say but wasn't sure if she should say it or not. "Yeah, you will," Olivia started, deciding to say it after all. "I'm just not sure whether it'd be as a team member." Erin realized that Olivia knew what was going on.
"So you know about the offer for my spot back in Intelligence," Erin said, giving Olivia her full attention.
The older woman nodded. "I heard it from Voight," she explained. "So? What are you going to do?" Erin shrugged, not having the answer herself. "It's a big decision."
"Yeah it is," Erin agreed. "I don't really know to be honest."
"What does Jay think?"
"We haven't really sat down and talked about it thoroughly," Erin answered. "With Jay not knowing whether he still had his badge until yesterday and everything, we just haven't had a chance to. But knowing Jay, he'll say that it's my choice and he's fine with either choices."
"Well, what are you thinking about doing?" Olivia questioned, seeing the look on Erin's face.
"I don't know. Like you said it's a big decision. I haven't really thought about it." Olivia looked skeptical at her answer. "You don't believe me?"
The older woman titled her head, biting her lips. "You want me to be honest?" Erin nodded, answering 'of course'. "Okay then. I think you have something weighing heavy on your mind and it goes beyond whether you want to work in Intelligence or SVU. There's something holding you back from making the choice you want to make and whatever it is, it's big enough that you are keeping it to yourself. Maybe even denying it to yourself."
Erin was amazed at just how perceptive Olivia was. "Yeah," she admitted.
"In continuing with honesty, all I can tell you, Erin, is to be honest with yourself and with Jay. You need to talk to him and tell him everything you're feeling if you two are going to have a chance. He's a good guy and no matter what it is, he'll understand and he'll support you. And I'll always be here for you, you know that. Whether you decide that you want to still work for me or return home, I'll always be in your life. That's not going to change."
"Thank you Olivia," Erin said genuinely, hugging the woman she respected so much and that had done so much for her. "For everything. Really. I couldn't have survived the past two years without you and everything that you've done for me."
"Don't mention it," Olivia smiled. "I got to go and catch a flight. I'll see you, no matter what you decide. You deserve to be happy Erin and you should do whatever it is that will make you happy. You and Jay. Talk to him and let him in."
"Wait a minute," Adam raised his hand. "So you're telling me that Lieutenant Benson offered you a job at SVU?" Jay nodded, stirring his coffee. After he had finished the necessary paper works before he was going to serve his suspension, Adam, Kevin and Antonio cornered him demanding him to at least have a cup of coffee in the break room before he rushed back to Erin. And somehow Jay found himself telling his friends everything that was going on, including the job offer from Olivia.
"So what are you going to do?" Antonio questioned.
Jay shrugged. "Whatever Erin decides to do," he replied.
"Man," Kevin crossed his arms. "I still can't believe Crowley offered her the job back here. I mean, that's totally great but just surprising."
"Believe me, no one is more surprised than Erin herself," Jay replied, chuckling.
"I just don't get how you're not totally freaking out about this," Adam marveled. "I mean, you have a chance to have Erin back here in Chicago for good. Otherwise you're going to have to move to New York but you're acting like it's no big deal." Jay looked over at Antonio who just gave a shrug like he agreed with Adam. "If I was in your position, I'd be freaking out like crazy. Maybe even trying to convince my girl to stay so I wouldn't have to move."
"Yeah I'm not doing that," Jay stated. "And I'm not freaking out because the only thing that matters to me is that Erin's happy."
"What about your happiness?" Antonio questioned, looking out for Jay as always.
"I'll be happy if she's happy," Jay replied seriously and Adam and Kevin groaned, shouting out how soft Jay had turned and how lovesick he was. Jay glared at them, ignoring Kevin making the whipped sound effect and gesture. "Yeah, good talk guys. I'm out of here. See you in a month."
"Have a good vacation," Antonio called out, laughing at their ability to drive Jay away.
"It's not a vacation!" Jay shouted back, waving his hand up as he descended down the stairs, not even looking back to the three guys standing in the door way of the break room, still teasing Jay.
He found Erin sitting on the floor when he got home and opened the door, boxes upon boxes and a pile of wrapping papers and bows surrounding her. He felt his heart filled with happiness, seeing her sit there completely focused on wrapping up a small box, her face totally concentrated on folding the corners perfectly. It felt so domesticated to Jay just coming home to Erin and it just reinforced everything he was feeling and he just wanted to keep coming home to Erin for the rest of his life. She heard him enter and looked up, a cute pout on her lips.
"Who knew wrapping presents could be so hard?" she whined as she got pieces of tape stuck all over her. "I've been trying to follow this stupid tutorial on youtube but I can't get the corners right."
"When did you go shopping?" Jay questioned, stepping around the piles of boxes so he can bend down and give Erin a kiss.
"Thank god for online shopping and next day shipping," Erin replied. "Otherwise I'd be screwed."
"Is my present in this pile?" Jay scanned the boxes, trying to peek to see what was inside of them. Erin reached over and pulled the box he was shaking away from him.
"Hey, no peeking!" she commanded, giving Jay a stern look. "Not until Christmas Eve." Jay raised his hands in surrender, smiling innocently at Erin.
"How did you get on the ground anyway?" Jay asked, wondering how she had managed to get herself in the position, worried. "Wait, should you even be on the ground?"
Erin rolled her eyes at him being overprotective. "I'm fine," she replied. "It wasn't easy but I just sort of rolled down." Jay's eyes widened. "Hey desperate times calls for desperate measures. And when you can't bend your legs without being in pain but you still need to wrap all these presents, you do whatever it takes." Jay still looked worried, not wanting her to hurt herself further. "Really, I'm fine."
"Yeah?" Jay inquired, tone hesitant. "You were acting kind of weird earlier. I was sort of worried." He had noticed how quiet Erin had been ever since she woke up today, like there was something on her mind. He knew that she had a tendency to keep things to herself and hide what she was feeling but he just wanted her to open up and let him in.
"Yeah," Erin answered, putting the present she was wrapping down. He was just surprised that Erin had admitted to it, totally prepared to hear her just brush it off. "We should talk."
Whenever someone said that those dreaded words, it was never a good thing. It was always 'we should talk' followed by 'it's not you, it's me'. Jay looked at her, concerned. "Can you carry me to the couch?" Erin asked and Jay complied and he carried her gently over to the couch, sitting down next to her. His chest felt tight, his head running through different scenarios just wondering what had gotten Erin like this.
"What's going on" he asked her, his fingers brushing the back of her hand, waiting for her to open up.
"I was talking with Olivia earlier and she knew about my offer for Intelligence," Erin started. "We just need to talk about what we're going to do."
"Okay," Jay nodded, knowing that they had an important decision to make. "What are you thinking?"
Erin sighed, looking down at her lap. She looked worried, biting her lips and it just made him more concerned. "Hey," he reached to tilt her head up so she was looking at him. "You can tell me anything."
"There's a part of me that's scared to be back in Chicago," Erin revealed, her voice small. "Chicago got to be too toxic for me before that I needed to leave and I don't know," Erin shrugged. "I'm worried that I might fall back into that if I come back."
"It was a difficult time for both of us," Jay concurred. He was still dealing with his PTSD while she dealt with Bunny and they were both lost, miserable without each other but too self-destructive to reach out to other people. "But we're past all that right?"
Erin pressed her lips together, shrugging and Jay knew there was something else she wasn't telling him, something that was weighing on her mind. "Erin," he held her hand, hoping that he could convey himself enough so she'd understand that he was completely on her side. "What are you scared about really?"
"Bunny," she finally confessed. "I don't want to get sucked back in with her and fall back into that lifestyle. I gave up everything for her last time and I just don't want to mess up my life for her again."
"You won't." Jay wouldn't let her. "You've cut her out of your life. You won't let her back in and mess everything up again."
"It's easier said than done Jay," Erin retorted. "It's easy to be in New York and far away from her where she can't lie and manipulate me and just hit that part of me that had always felt the need to give her a chance after chance. But if I'm back in Chicago, it's easier for me to get her hooks into me."
"Erin," Jay started, looking at her in the eyes. "You're the strongest person I know. It's hard because she's your mother, I get that but I know you and I know you won't let Bunny get to you anymore. But if it makes things easier for you being in New York then stay in New York. We can both be in New York."
"I don't want you to uproot your entire life. I don't want to keep you away from Will. Chicago is your home," Erin replied.
Jay laughed softly, shaking his head. "Erin, you don't get it." He reached over and held her face so she'd understand completely what he was about to say. "Listen to me. You are my home Erin. Anywhere you are, I'm home." He thumbed over her jaws and her lips. "I don't care if we're in Chicago or New York. If you want to say fuck it, let's move to Oklahoma, I'm there." She chuckled, her nose scrunching at the thought of living in Oklahoma. "All that matters to me is that I'm with you. That's all I need."
"Yeah?"
Jay nodded, pressing his lips against hers to make her understand. "You've done an amazing job keeping Bunny and her toxicity out of your life and yeah it's easier to do it if you're far away from her but I know you Erin. I know you can do this whether you stay in Chicago or not. Bunny is toxic and she doesn't deserve to have you in her life. I understand why you're worried and why you're scared and I'm saying you don't have to be. I'm here. I won't let you let fall back into that hole. No matter how deep it is, I'll always reach to pull you out."
"I know you will," Erin said, leaning her head into his palms.
"I'm leaving this decision up to you babe. Make your choice on what will make you happy, that's all I care about. I just want you to be happy." She gave him a kiss. "Anywhere in the world, I'll be there right next to you if you'll let me."
Erin let Jay's words played in her head over and over again as she laid in his arms. He was fast asleep, sleeping soundly for the first time in a while and she watched him as he breathed in and out. She just knew that Jay would understand her fear and she should've told him sooner instead of keeping things to herself.
She looked up at the ceiling. Chicago or New York. She knew deep down though that she had already made her choice, her talk with Jay just reinforced her decision. She had already gotten Jay a gift but she needed to buy one more thing. She moved away from his arms slowly so she wouldn't wake him up and she got out of bed, reached over for her crutches and she quietly made her way out to the living room. She needed to make a purchase and she needed to do it without Jay knowing just yet.
Christmas Even had finally arrived and they were spending it just the two of them. They had a Christmas party tomorrow on Christmas Day where everyone would be coming over to exchange gifts but the night was just for them two. Jay had the fire going, their Christmas tree all lit up and soft carols playing in the background and as far as he was concerned, it was the perfect atmosphere. Erin looked beautiful as she sat on the blanket on the floor by the tree, her oversized sweater falling off her shoulder, revealing her ivory skin that was healing nicely. Jay kept sneaking kisses onto her soft skin, unable to resist.
"Ready for presents?" Erin nodded excitedly, rubbing her hands together as Jay brought over the presents they placed under the tree for each other. "Want to open yours first?"
"Oh yeah," Erin grinned, holding out her hand so Jay could place a small box in them. Erin smiled as she ripped the wrapping paper to reveal a small jewelry case. "Jay," she gasped as she admired the earrings that Jay had gotten for her.
"You like it?" Jay asked. He had searched hard for her gift, wanting to get her something special.
"I do. It's totally my style," Erin said, giving Jay a kiss.
"I have something else," Jay said, almost sounding nervous. While he was happy that she seemed to like the earrings, really he had a more important gift for her. The earrings were beautiful, yes, but this next present he had for her was far more meaningful to Jay and he was both scared and excited to see her reaction.
"Another present?" she smiled when he held up another jewelry case, this one bigger in size. She gently grabbed the box and opened it, her eyes landing on the necklace that inside. The necklace was made of gold and it was dainty looking but what really caught Erin's eyes was the gold locket hanging from it. It was in a shape of an oval and it was one of those picture locket, vintage if Erin had to guess. It was a simple necklace overall but it was beautiful.
"It's so beautiful Jay," Erin gasped out, running her fingers over the object delicately. "I love it."
Jay's eyes brightened at her reaction. "It was my mother's," Jay revealed, Erin looking up at his words, surprised. "It was her favorite and she wore it all the time." He reached over to the locket and opened it, revealing what was placed inside of it. "She got it for herself after I was born and it had my picture in it." She looked and found a small picture of a young Jay, missing tooth and freckled face, staring back at her, grinning widely to the camera. The other side was a picture of Jay and Erin, one of the few they have taken shrunk down to fit into the small space.
Jay saw Erin's eyes glisten at his gift and his own eyes glistened up also. He was just so happy that she seemed to love the necklace. There was a huge part of him that regret not being able to propose to Erin with his mother's ring and he knew that there would be a part that would always regret it. But he still wanted her to have something important of his mother's, the two most important women in Jay's life. So he had remembered the necklace that his mother wore everyday of her life until she couldn't anymore and he just knew he wanted to give it to Erin, that she would understand how precious it was to Jay and she'd appreciate it for what it was. Her reaction was exactly how he imagined it in his head.
"Thank you," she said genuinely. "I love it so much." She pulled the necklace out. "Help me put it on?" He smiled as he held the necklace in his hand while she turned, pulling her hair to the side. He brought the necklace around her and connected the clasps together. He bent down to kiss her neck, her fingers still ghosting over the object as she leaned further to give him more access.
"It's beautiful on you," he spoke into her skin. "You're beautiful." She turned her head around and kissed him deeply, cupping his face gently.
"My turn," Erin said, holding up a neatly wrapped box. Jay grinned and opened it, finding an expensive looking watch inside.
"Wow," he admired, "This must have cost you a fortune."
Erin smiled. "A small fortune," she shrugged. "You like it?"
"I love it," he replied, giving her a thank you kiss.
"Well I have something else for you." Erin said, holding up a small envelope this time and Jay looked at her, excited about what else she had for him. He opened the envelope, while looking at her and he pulled out the two pieces of paper from inside. She looked both excited and nervous to see his reaction and it just added more to his excitement. He read over the papers, his eyes widening at seeing what the gift was.
"It's two flight tickets to New York," Erin explained. "I don't have the actual tickets yet since I just bought them yesterday but I figured the receipt was symbolism enough."
"Does this mean you've made your choice?" Jay questioned, holding up the papers. "We're going to be living in New York?"
She shook her head, causing Jay to frown in confusion. "No," she started. "I want to spend the New Year with you in New York. I want us to ring in the New Year on my rooftop like I said and after that, I want you to help me pack up everything in my place there so we can start the rest of our lives together, in Chicago."
Jay's eyes widened and he was unable to stop a huge smile from forming on his face. "Really?"
Erin nodded. "Yeah, I'm so ready for our future Jay and that future is in Chicago. This is where I belong. This is where we belong." Jay's heart soared with happiness and he just kissed her hard, his happiness overflowing. Their lips remained connected as he poured all the love he could into his kisses. He was completely in love with her and this was the happiest he had ever been in his life and she was the reason. He wanted to make love to her but since she wasn't able to yet, he'd spend the entire night showering her body with intoxicating kisses and just show her just how much he loved her. As the fire crackled ever so often in the background, the sound playing perfectly in sync with the smooth jazz instrumental of the Christmas carols that was coming from the stereo, Jay couldn't have asked for a more perfect Christmas eve. Erin had just given him the best Christmas present he could ever asked for—certainty about their future.