AN: One more after this and we're done. *cry* Thanks so much to Monica, Heather and Maria as always.
Some of you have asked about music/playlist for WN. I'm in the process of putting my playlist together on YouTube so will post a link when it's done in the last chapter. I'll also post it to my Facebook if you want to add me there for chapter moodboards/extras and all that jazz, just search Kate HTFM.
Also if you want your heartbroken, for real… Kiss Me, You Idiot by iambeagle. Seriously. My heart. Go read!
Ps. Will be editing chapters before I post the final chapter of this story just for flow/continuity. I know some of you like to download and convert to PDFs so want to get that done before I hit the complete button. Probs remove these long authors notes too. Actually, who am I kidding, I'll probs make my own pdf and post it all over the fb groups when I'm done lol.
Don't forget Fandoms for Relief and Hope are putting a compilation together with loads of your fave authors donating stories to raise money for the Australian bushfires. To get your hands on it please see the facebook group for details.
Right.
Let's do this.
Penultimate chapter.
Chapter 29:
It takes a couple of weeks before I can see Masen. There's an issue processing his visitors onto the system, so even getting a phone call takes a whole agonizing week.
When we do finally speak, the connection is bad, his voice too far away, and then our conversation is cut far too short; his cell block having a shake down.
Time drags and each day brings conflicting feelings. In the short term, it's one day closer to seeing him again, but in the longer scheme of things it's one day closer to finding out his sentence; his trial date… one day closer to finding out our future.
If we even have one.
Two pink lines on a white stick, capped and hidden in the bedside table of my hotel room confirms mine. At least, I think so.
At night I pull it out and stare at it before resting my hand on my lower stomach, wondering how we could've been so stupid. I mean, how did I not even notice?
Part of me wasn't surprised... part of me, I think, knew, at least on a subconscious level, but whatever state of mind I've been in, I haven't acknowledged it, not until Charlotte asked. Not until she dashed out to the pharmacy and bought me three different tests. Not until she held my hand as we timed two torturous minutes together. Not until she told me it was positive and then hushed me as I cried.
The fact is the timing couldn't be worse. I know that. I know. And I don't know what I want to do about it, because I wasn't - I'm not in any kind of position to be having a baby. I can barely look after myself, let alone care for a tiny human being.
There's a glaringly obvious option here but there's no way I can just terminate a pregnancy without discussing this with Masen first, even though it was Charlotte's suggestion. I can't do that to him, or me, or the bunch of cells growing in me right now. It wouldn't be fair on any of us.
…
Sitting impatiently, knee bouncing in nervous anticipation, I get to my feet when they finally lead the inmates through into the large, clinical visitors' room. I double take when it registers he has a black eye but before I can utter a word, he crushes me to him, arms wrapped tightly around me. I squeeze him back just as hard before he lowers his mouth to mine, kissing me sweet and soft until one of the guards yells at us to pack it in.
"God, I've fuckin' missed you," he mumbles as we release each other reluctantly.
"Me too. What happened?" I ask, sinking back down on the hard plastic seat as he does the same, running my hand through my pony tail, cheeks feeling flushed at getting called out.
"I'm a fish…" he tells me like I should know what that means. "I didn't come off bad, should've seen him."
He says it casually but I'm chewing myĺ lip, uneasy.
"I'm not sure—"
"Bella," he cuts in. "It's how it works. Just... let me deal with it in my own way, OK? I know it don't look good, but I'm not about to be fucked over in here. Not for anythin'."
"OK-OK. I'm sorry."
He takes my hand, moving his legs so they touch mine under the table. "Demetri lookin' after you alright?"
"Fine. We're fine. He's annoying really, like an overbearing dad. Don't feel like I can go anywhere."
Masen's laugh is too bitter, and then I feel like an insensitive bitch because it's not like he's going anywhere either, and I should've realized that. I drop my head and stare hard at scratches in the white tabletop.
"I'm sorry, that was— is it bad? In here?"
He shrugs.
"Nah. Nothin' to do apart from workout and try and keep my head down, not that seems to be workin' with all the shit that's been on the news."
I get the feeling he isn't being entirely truthful but he carries on before I can interrupt.
"Hoping I'll get given a job or somethin' soon, keep me busy while we're waitin'. Maybe I'll go into education." He tugs at his hair. "My cell mate's a fuckin' freak though, but he can carry on 'bout his momma and his God as long as he stays the fuck outta my way."
I can't begin to understand what it's like being in here, but he's being so composed—so level-headed—I'm a little freaked out because that's the opposite of how I feel.
"That's… good. You seem to be… coping."
"Didn't say I was coping."
"Sorry," I say automatically, again, feeling stupid and unsure of myself. I stare at him but his eyes are travelling around the room. He lifts his head at someone in acknowledgement and I look over my shoulder myself to see a guy with a shaved head and tattoos looking our way, even though he's got his own visitors, a grin on his face as his eyes bounce between us.
I look back at Masen.
"Who's that?"
"No one," he replies and now I know he's lying but I don't want to pick him up on it, push him when this is the first time I've seen him properly since we were arrested.
He feels distant, removed, not quite himself. My fingers trace the indents in the table. This wasn't what I thought visiting him would be like, I don't know what it would be like but not… not, this. I make the decision then not to tell him I'm pregnant. Not today. Things feel too fragile. I have a scan later in the week so I figure if words fail me next time I can show him the picture, or something.
"Don't do that, B." I look up, and he looks sad now.
"Don't do what?"
"Don't say sorry. You keep saying it and I don't need you to be sorry. I just need you… just talk to me, about anythin'. Nothin' to do with this." He gestures around, and I get it I think.
I take a breath.
"Um, Charlotte showed up," I tell him. "I don't...
It's weird, but she's been around pretty much everyday. So…"
"You trust her?" Masen quizzes.
"She's never… she was always there for me in the past. So, yeah. I kinda need a friend right now and I miss her, y'know? She never did me wrong back then, it's only the stuff with Petey and Maria that's made me second guess everything."
"Just be… be careful how much you share with her. Just in case, I'm not sayin' she'd betray your trust but, y'know. Luck don't seem to be on our side at the moment."
I think I've told her too much already, but the burden of carrying everything on my shoulders is just… too much. I needed to tell someone, something, before I exploded and there's only so much Demetri can listen to, the poor guy.
"She's been distracting me from everything. She started beauty school in the evenings when she's not working and wants me to be her guinea pig for some of her modules."
"What for?"
"Like eyebrow waxing, tinting, lash extensions, that kinda thing."
Masen studies me for a second, his eyes darting around my face. "You don't need none of that shit."
I have to laugh. "That's real sweet but there's always room for improvement."
He shakes his head and I can feel his knee bounce against mine. "One of the things I'm missin' the most. Wakin' up to your face. You don't need to be improved."
I miss waking up to him too. His weight by my side, the warmth he radiates, the way he groans when I whisper the time in his ear. I swallow hard trying to bring myself back to our conversation but a swell of nausea makes me bring my hand to my mouth instead. For a minute I think I'm going to throw up on the spot. I thought I was over this but maybe not.
"You OK?" Masen's looking at me, his eyebrows drawn together.
"Yeah. Fine," I lie. He looks unconvinced so I carry on, hoping it's enough to distract him. "I mean, it's just to help her out anyways. She takes some before and after shots and it goes into her portfolio for marking. As long as I don't end up lookin' freaky, I said OK."
Masen glances away and then back again. His constant awareness making me feel unnerved. "What else?"
"Esme and your Mom invited me over for dinner the other night. They had some questions... and your brother. He's not happy. He doesn't like me. Like, at all."
It wasn't as if I expected him to be nice, but his attitude was horrendous. He didn't get me, he didn't get why I was with Masen, he didn't like that I'm related to someone like my Papà. He tried putting the blame of the whole situation at my feet.
"He don't like me either," Masen says with a roll of his eyes. "What was he sayin'?"
"Well, um, he said he wants to pay for different attorneys. Having Jenks represent you… being married to me… Havin' ties to the 'goddamn American-Italian mafia' You look guilty by association he said."
Esme had to tug him down back into his seat at that point as he jabbed his finger at me from across the table, hand splayed on mahogany, angry. Of course he knows a little more then Esme and Elizabeth, about Masen's involvement with Alec so he cornered me later on my way out, wanting to know the truth.
"Did he murder those men?"
I couldn't answer though so I just said I didn't know.
"Would be the first selfless thing that fucker ever did for me if he actually coughed up. How Es puts up with him, I don't know." Masen shifts in his seat. "He needs to pick up the next time I ring from this place. I want Jenks... we got it all figured out. If he's got an issue, he needs to speak to me." He blows out a breath through his nose. "How's Mom? Esme?"
"Truth?"
"Yeah."
"Devastated."
He hangs his head, and for the first time he looks proper ashamed, regretful.
"I didn't. God, I was such a little fucker when I was younger. I didn't care, and now look where I am."
"Maybe you should've left me alone, like you said before," I ask, little doubts niggling at me. "Because where we've ended up is… here. Mostly cus of me. Actually, no. This is because of me. Your brother isn't wrong."
"He said that?" Masen's eyes flash angrily. "Bella… Don't even… It makes me mad, you thinkin' like that. I don't regret doin' what I did. I don't regret you. I made choices when I was younger and every one of those lead me here, to you. So, fuck that. I've been involved with this stuff for years, that ain't on you. That's all on me."
I'm quiet as he strokes my hand softly with his thumb.
"You never told me. How you ended up working for Alec. I know your family hasn't got any links…" I trail off and he looks like he doesn't want to have this discussion right now.
"You gotta tell me at somepoint," I tell him.
He crosses his arms leaning back in his seat, glancing around again, considering me.
"I can't get into the ins and outs," he says eventually. "Not here."
"Then sum it up for me, please?"
He moves forward. "Remember what my mom went through?"
I nod.
"Alec solved the issue of my dad. That's why I owed him."
He leans back and watches my reaction as I go through a myriad of feelings and it makes sense. From what he's said previously, I guessed it was something like that but I couldn't be sure.
Masen sighs heavily.
"What the fuck are you doing with me?" he asks flatly, more to himself then anything else. "You could do so much better. Your Papà was right about that. I ain't got nothin' to offer you."
I startle a little. "He told you that?"
Masen snorts. "He told you that too?"
I cross my legs and uncross them. There isn't anyone else I want. Despite everything I know.
"He did," I admit, "but I don't want anyone else. I told him that." I nudge his foot until the tension in his posture dissipates.
"He don't know you like I do. He's got no right to start telling me who I want or what I need. I mean, I've got no idea what I'm doing," I confess with a laugh. "No idea right now. Without you, things seem pointless. I know that's bad, but that's how it feels… I love you, I wouldn't have married you otherwise. I just, I don't know what to do without you around."
"You gotta carry on," Masen insists, sincerely.
"I know but—"
"I need you to carry on. Study for your GED, or do your yoga teaching, whatever it is. Start seeing Irina again. Seriously, Bella. I love you too. I want good things for you, I always have. Your life can't just stop cos I'm in here."
I feel like we're thinking the same as he swerves over the fact we have no idea how long he's going to be in here for.
The thought is painful. That he might be in prison for the rest of his life.
And then what?
What happens to us?
The alarm goes.
And just like that, visiting time is over.
"Next week?" Masen asks, hopeful. I smile, wrapping my arms around him, as his hand skims my ass in the commotion, squeezing.
"Yeah… but call me, before then if you can."
...
"Did you see today's paper?" I ask Masen when he calls a week later.
He sighs down the phone. "No."
"Kate." I tell him bitterness there. "'My night with—"
"Stop," Masen says tiredly.
We're silent.
"She didn't mean shit to me, you know that."
"Doesn't make this shit any easier to read! How many more are gonna come crawling out the woodwork to have their five minutes, huh? Obviously liked her well enough to fuck her."
I don't know where this anger is coming from. The jealousy I feel, the irrational urge to hit something when I think of him and her. Seeing the newspaper this morning made me hit the roof. She even has a fucking selfie with him and I hate that I don't, not after Caius destroyed my cell and the police took his.
"Bella… c'mon. Give me a fuckin' break. This is before we even got together! I wasn't a saint. You gotta just ignore it. Fuck, if I gotta hear somethin' about you said in here one more time…" He blows out a breath, a dark laugh.
I want to ask him what exactly they say, but I don't. I know my anger is misplaced too, but I can't help it. I can't. I don't even know why. Maybe I can blame it on hormones.
"I miss you so bad. I don't even have a picture with you and she does! That's fucked up. Closest I got to you is your mugshot," I tell him instead, pressing my forehead against the glass window, looking at people running from the rain that's thundering down. I sound like a petulant child but at the moment I don't care.
"I know. I get it. I do." I can hear him swallow. "I miss you too. You doin' what I said?"
I look over to the corner of the room, where I'm throwing myself into revision because it's giving me a distraction and because really, before everything went down it's what I wanted to do.
"Yeah. Mid-October I'm taking it, for definite this time." We should have a trial date by then, and we should know what he's serving for his guilty plea. Jenks thinks it'll be between two to five years, max, but even that feels too long. And if he's found guilty at trial for the murders it'll be a hell of a lot longer. Life, maybe, but I can't think about that.
"How are things?" I ask him instead, anger waning.
"OK," he says. "Gotta job clearing up the yard, extra outside time in this weather… can't complain 'bout that. Just trying to not think about the sentencing, and the trial."
I don't want to think about those either, so instead I bring up some things I didn't know about him the papers brought to my attention. "You never told me you went to State playing football?"
"Yeah. I was alright," he says, a little smug. "Team effort though. You never told me you went to a private Catholic school," he bounces back. "Did you have nuns and shit?"
"Yeah, we had nuns and shit," I imitate. My lips tug into a smile. "It sucked, and I hated it."
"God, you'd have driven me crazy if I'd been at school with you," he muses, his voice lowering.
"Girls only I'm afraid. Plus, like, I was hardly in school. Skipped a lot, especially senior year. Too busy getting high, lookin' after Nonna... One of the sisters told me I was going straight to hell, one time. There was no coming back for me. My sins couldn't be absolved. I mean, who tells that shit to a seventeen-year-old girl?"
"I dunno... what did you do?" he asks amused.
"Told one of my friends I lost my virginity and she spread it 'round the school… so yeah, Sister Mary Alice told me I was goin' to hell."
Masen laughs.
"Think I'd be burning right there with you."
…
They remove his visitation the next week. I don't find out until I get there, and then I have to find out from Jenks a few days later he got thrown in solitary for fighting. He sounds exasperated and I feel like punching something myself.
What the fuck is he doing?
Why is he doing this now? Just before he's due to be sentenced? When I need to tell him something which is going to change everything.
...
I chew my lip as I sit down in the room. Grey walls, grey floors, grey sky outside. Jenks was spot on with Masen's sentence.
Three years for possession of an unlicensed firearm.
Three fucking years.
And it's hitting home.
Reality.
I don't think his behavior whilst he's been locked up has helped his sentence length either, and for that, I put the blame squarely on him. It makes me mad just thinking about it, but maybe this will be the wake-up call he needs to get his head on straight.
I'll get some time alone with him but not a lot. It's all Jenks could manage because this meeting is under the pretence that Jenks needs time with his client.
Masen looks surprised when he walks in the room but neither of us speak until the guards have left and the door has closed behind them with a clang.
"What are you doing here?" he asks, not harshly but I don't like his tone.
"Jenks is just getting something from his car. To give us some time alone."
"Right."
He stares at the table, not looking at me. He's shut down and closed off and it breaks my heart that this is the outcome of knowing just one sentence. "Masen? C'mon you gotta talk to me."
He looks at me desolation in his eyes.
"Like you've been talking to me? You've not been answering my calls," he challenges.
"One call. I had to find out you weren't allowed visitation after comin' here because you've been fighting. Again!" I cross my arms defiantly. "I thought you were trying to keep your head down?"
He doesn't answer. He isn't even looking at me.
"You won't even look at me!" I snap, irritated, pushing his foot with mine.
"It's hard. To look at you," he says eventually, finally lifting his eyes to mine. "Knowin' what's goin' to happen. Knowin' I ain't gonna make it out of here."
"You don't know that," I say fiercely. "Jenks says—"
"Jenks chats a load of shit, Bella."
He laces his hands in front of him, thumb feeling out scabbed knuckles.
"You gotta look at this realistically. There'll be no us if I go down for the other fifty they're trying to pin on me! You're gonna..." He falls silent, a frown on his face. "You're gonna have to live your life. Move on."
I blink at him, staring at dark blue nails Charlotte painted on me last night, my stomach dropping.
"You might not even—"
"But if I am. If I'm stuck in this hell-hole for life, B—I love you, nothing's gonna change that, but I'm old enough to know fairytale endings happen in the fuckin' movies. This ain't a fairy tale. You know that more than anyone. It's justice, it's how the law works. To put men like me away."
"I know," I swallow feeling berated. "But you're not a bad person." He snorts, and it irritates me. "You're not. It's—it's not black and white like that. I don't see it like that."
"If the trial for Caius and Royce goes bad. If I'm sent down, I want you to promise me you'll sign divorce papers."
"What?"
"I want you to be free from me. This. I ain't, but you… don't have to be. It ain't fair for me to expect you to what… become like your fuckin' school nuns?"
"What was the point then? What was the fucking point?! I'm your wife. I can't just… I can't just switch off these feelings, Masen. I'm gonna be here fighting in your corner cos I know you'd do the same for me. I know it."
I swipe angrily at hot tears falling down my cheeks.
Masen slumps, not saying a word.
"I should testify," I sniff, wiping at my eyes.
"No."
"Let me tell them what happened."
"NO!" He's fierce this time. "You incriminate no one! You want Alec after you?"
"I won't say he was there."
"Speak to your dad about how this works, Bella. How the families work this. I swore an oath."
"Do you think it was him?" I ask bluntly. "Do you think Alec did this? Cos I saw him after your arraignment. He stayed and made sure I saw him."
Masen's fists ball. "I got no doubt. His words are as good as shit. He better hope all of this don't end up as a RICO case, cos they're gonna haul him in too. It's only cos I wised up that they're struggling to make a connection."
We lapse into silence again. "Whatever you do, stay clear of him, I don't want you anywhere near him. He's always had a thing for you." His voice is venomous, his anger blatant.
"You know I've never liked him."
I feel him out, my hand on top of his. "I'm not gonna give up on you."
"You should," Masen says, frowning at his hands.
"I can't," I whisper, wiping at my face again. Breathing in deeply, the words propelled out in a single breath. "I'm pregnant."
His fingers tighten on mine, and when I look up, he looks distraught.
"Bella." Desperate. "Fuck. No."
"No?" I repeat with a laugh, looking anywhere but at him, blinking back tears. "Bit too late for that."
He's quiet. For too long. I leave it alone for a minute, letting it sink in because it's a lot to take in.
"You not got anythin' to say?" I ask after awhile, hurt rocking my voice. Rejection beginning to sting.
He inhales sharply, head in hands, brushing hair back off his face, staring at the ceiling.
"I don't… Fuck. This is not how anythin' was supposed to be!" he growls frustrated. "How am I gonna… how are you… This is… shit. Are you sure? Are you fucking positive?"
I reach into the back pocket of my blue jeans, bringing out the ultrasound, the little alien shape caught in black and white on glossy print paper, holding it out to him and he takes it, holding it so carefully, as if it's the real thing.
"That's their leg, head, arm."
Masen rubs the scruff on his face, looking lost. Like he's not quite sure what to say. "When are—how far along?"
"Fifteen weeks or so, they think. I didn't—I guess my shot must've worn off and with everything… it didn't even cross my mind. I thought me throwing up was stress. Stupid, right?"
"Fuck, Bella this ain't… what do you wanna do?"
"I don't know," I exhale slowly. "I don't know Masen. I'm fuckin' terrified… But the thought of… and I'm a lot further along than I thought so I can't- I don't think I can do it."
My watery eyes meet his.
"OK… OK. I- this is..." He holds out his hand beckoning. "C'mere."
I'm out of my seat then, moving round the table. He reaches out, lifting my top up, hand coming out to touch my belly, a little more rounded than normal.
"You don't look it. At all," he murmurs. His fingers sliding round to grip my hips. I tell him it's still early days as he gently tugs me down, so I'm in his lap and he's holding me tight, face buried in my neck. Feather light kisses all over.
"I need you to be OK with doin' this on your own," he says, serious. "This has gotta be your decision cos I'm not- I'm not gonna be able to be there for you how I want to be. I might not ever be."
"OK," I sniff, heart aching in my chest.
"Were you pregnant when—that night?"
I bite my lip and nod. "I think so. It'd have been early but yeah."
I know what he's thinking. It's written all over the anguished expression on his face.
"Don't give up," I whisper. "Please. Please. I feel like you're giving up already. On us. You're selling yourself to this place and it's not… you haven't been tried yet. Please, don't give up. I need you. We need you. Promise me you'll do everything you can to get outta here? Promise me?"
When he whispers he promises in my ear, my shoulders sag with relief. "I love you," I tell him as the door opens and I spring to my feet just as Jenks appears.
Masen's still holding the ultrasound in his hand. "Can I keep this?"
I smile, hope blooming in my chest.
"Of course."
…
Max Masen Cullen is born in the early hours of a cold February morning in his waters, tiny but perfect.
My thumb strokes the dark peach fuzz on his head, his face scrunching up, pulling into a little frown. Charlotte fusses, plumping up my pillow, snapping pictures of me and him. She presses a kiss to my forehead, gazing down at him before extending a pinky, watching as he curls teeny, tiny fingers around it.
"He's beautiful, Momma. Well done, girl." We're silent for a minute just staring at perfection. "He looks like his daddy," she says softly. "I mean, it's weird cus newborns are all scrunched an' all, but you can just tell, can't you?"
"I know."
Max opens his eyes a little, blinking, yawning.
I bring him to my chest, so he's curled right above my heart. This tiny little life created out of love, a little piece of each of us.
And I have to be enough for him.
Alone.