When Beorn hasn't returned by the following morning Thorin declares that the ceremony to make Billana a true dwarf-friend should take place that evening before sunset, just in case Beorn doesn't find the truth of their tale as they know that he must. She applies herself to learning the simple Khuzdul phrases that she will need to complete the ritual and the fact that she already speaks two languages helps greatly with that.
"Will you help me learn more?" She asks Ori when they are taking a break and enjoying a large mug of tea each. Dori had managed to find chamomile somewhere and although Billana has never much cared for it, it has been sweetened with Beorn's honey and makes a nice change from water, milk or ale. "It would be nice to have some grasp of it before we reach the mountain."
"If you like," Ori agrees, his face lighting up.
Idly, Billana wonders if being a scribe is Ori's true calling. He seems to enjoy the prospect of teaching others so much more it seems. He is patient as well, understanding of the way that she fumbles her way through some of the pronunciation of the words she will need to remember. Her voice and tongue are poorly suited to the dwarf language, lacking the rumble that they all seem to have when uttering it.
Around them, the others are bustling about in preparation and the pair watch silently for a time as Billana loses herself in thought. Balin had sought her out not long after Ori had finished explaining the ceremony to her and had drawn her aside to reassure himself that her unusual courtship was what she wanted. He had not seemed at all surprised that both of the princes had made the offer, in fact that had been the part that had been the least surprising to him, he had been surprised that she had accepted. It would appear that Balin knows more about hobbits and their ways than the rest of the Company, though whether that is because he has first-hand experience with the few who live in Bree, the fact that he must have worked on some kind of trade agreement with the Thain or that he has asked Gandalf she has no idea. She only knows that he had been surprised that she had so willingly broken with the hobbit convention of potentially taking one spouse in favour of possibly taking two. His natural concern had been that they had somehow coerced her into agreeing. She had been quick to assure him of the opposite, much to his relief, but it had resulted in him explaining to her the restrictions that would be placed upon them all.
They are few, much as Ori had told her that they would be, and reasonable under the circumstances. While she will be permitted brief periods alone with Fili and Kili it will be with one or the other, never both at the same time. Where the princes have taken much of the primary care for her physical well-being and training upon themselves those tasks will now fall upon others, with Dwalin stepping in to cover her training and Balin remaining responsible for ensuring that, should it come to it, her safety is at the fore of his concerns, as it will be with her need for warmth or comfort should it come up. She will not be alone with Fili and Kili at the same time for any reason unless it cannot be prevented.
This, she discovers, is not because he fears what may happen, that she will allow herself to fall to their charms and thus end up as less than 'pure' for one or both of them should this courtship come to the most favourable conclusion. In truth, dwarves encourage such activities in their youths, if wordlessly, by ensuring that every dwarrowdam is given a contraceptive charm. Their concerns over whether she has ever lain with a male are only that it has been done willingly. For Billana it is a slightly baffling mindset, since, willingly or not, to lie with a male would leave her even more open to the scorn and derision of her fellow hobbits. She only needs to remember the way that her mother, the few other children like her, and even herself have been treated by the other hobbits to be aware of that.
Balin hasn't declared that they be watched purely due to hobbit sensibilities or out of fear that she will forget herself and allow the experience of being desired by them overwhelm her good sense. She keeps very quiet about how close she came to just that, although he has to suspect some of it. Balin wants them supervised because it is the done thing when a dwarf of age approaches one who is not, no matter how close the younger is to that day. It is the done thing when a dwarf of influence and power approaches one who has little or none and it is the done thing when a courtship is announced but no beads have been exchanged and no courtship gifts given.
In short, it is being done to protect all parties within the courtship and will likely continue until the three of them come to a decision.
In truth, she isn't entirely certain that she wants the braid and beads that come with the courtship. They would be an all too tangible reminder of the reality of what is, at the moment, an exquisite dream. She still hardly believes that one of them would ask her, let alone both and to have such proof that it is a reality would place upon her the pressure of knowing that at some point she will need to decide if she can live with spending the rest of her life with both of them, or whether she is going to break three hearts and choose neither. She knows, deep down, that she will never select one over the other no matter what her heart desires. She would never wish to come between them in that way and better that she chooses neither than she damages the closest sibling relationship she has ever had cause to see. There is also, of course, the very real possibility that if she is given the bead she will lose it before the end of this quest. That, more than anything, would break her heart. Only her crystal charm comes with her when she takes on animal form, and even that continues to surprise her, and she would hate to lose something so precious due to some peril that they might find themselves in. It would hurt more than losing the beads that signify how deep her friendship with the dwarves go, the ones that will signify how utterly accepted she has been by people not her own.
She touches her arm where the inking which will proclaim her to be 'Khazad bâhâl' would go should it be done. Ori had used a piece of charcoal to show her what it would look like and the more that she sees it, the more she likes the look of it against her smooth skin. It is a thing far removed from anything that a hobbit might permit to be done to their body, even the unavoidable scars that come with living are a matter of disgust to her people. Dwarves, she has noticed, readily and happily display their scars, inkings and even piercings.
"Inkings are earned," Ori tells her when she asks. "It's one of the reasons that scribes need to learn how to create them. I had everything I needed until the goblin tunnels." He shakes his head as she tilts hers inquisitively. "On a quest such as this there is ample opportunity to earn any number of new markings," he explains. "So when a scribe is sought to take part in a journey of any kind it is always one who is known to be gifted at making the marks. As you've probably seen Dwalin, Thorin and the other older dwarves have a vast number of them while Fili and Kili have very few, although still more than we would usually see on dwarves their age." He frowns, as though considering the marks that both of the princes carry and that she had never put much though into until now. "Inkings are given following any battle or skirmish of significance, the gaining of rank or a position of value, mastery of our chosen weapons or craft, even the birth of children where our 'dams are concerned. We use our hair to tell other dwarves what they need to know at a glance, the inkings tell our important stories."
"And the piercings?" She asks.
"Those are purely decoration," Ori shrugs, "and not something I have any familiarity with doing."
She lets the subject lie there and turns her mind back to the ceremony that they are preparing for. Billana has, briefly, managed to speak to Kili about the inking she wants done. He had seemed troubled when she mentioned it, until she pointed out the practicality of the thing. It is something that he will need Thorin's permission for and she can see him talking to his uncle as she parrots the phrases that Ori is teaching her back at him. She can see Thorin shaking his head and Kili becoming more frustrated. Ori follows her gaze and rolls his eyes good-naturedly.
"You asked him about it, didn't you?" He mutters and she stares at her friend blankly. "You asked Kili to use his gift to make the inking."
"How did you know?" She whispers back.
"Thorin thinks it's a big secret, and most of the others probably haven't noticed, but Kili has used his gift a few times in Ered Luin when he didn't realise I was there," Ori replies. "The question is how you knew?"
"How do you think we met?" She asks in response and he nods. "Do you think Thorin will refuse to allow it?"
"He shouldn't," Ori tells her, "the choice of how you wear your mark is down to you as the one who will need to bear it. The braid is more common through history, but the design of the inking wouldn't exist if it never happened."
They watch for a few more minutes, noting when Thorin looks their way speculatively and Billana squashes the urge to shift nervously. She will have to become accustomed to having attention on her if she is to have any future with Fili and Kili. Finally, the dark mage walks over to them, his face a blank mask which is a clear sing of his irritation with his uncle. Kili only clamps down on his emotions like this when it involves Thorin.
"Can we have a minute, Ori?" He asks. Ori nods and tells them that he won't be far, though they both know that he will be out of earshot. "Thorin won't let me make the mark during the ceremony," Kili tells her and Billana opens her mouth to object. He holds up a hand. "He's agreed to find a quite place for us to do it straight afterwards as long as Balin agrees."
"That's hardly fair," she argues. "It's my decision!"
"I'm no happier about it," Kili says. "I know as well as anyone else the risk of losing precious belongings when an unexpected shape change is called for." She recalls the way he seems to hardly wear any braids or jewellery, though the others wear plenty, and how his clothes seem to have a more worn feeling to them. She hadn't thought on it before, but now she realises that the things he has brought with him have been tailored towards the possibility that he might have to take his raven form without warning. "But I don't exactly relish the thought of hurting you either, Kundith, and it will hurt. Not even doing it magically will prevent that."
"I don't care about it hurting," she tells him. "I just want it done so that nothing can take it from me." She wills him to understand the words she isn't saying, the ones that want to scream about all the little bits of happiness that have been taken from her.
"Alright," he whispers, "we'll talk to Balin."
He leans his head against hers and she takes the opportunity to brush their lips together, thrilling at the thought that she is allowed to do this so long as it is quick and chaste. There are a few light chuckles from the others, but no one comments on it. In the Shire, she thinks, there would have been uproar and they would have been separated the instant that Kili lowered his head towards hers. He grins at her, one that reaches his dancing eyes this time, and grabs her hand so that he can half walk and half tow her towards Balin who listens to them both in thoughtful silence as they explain their request.
"Much as I hate to admit it," Balin says, "the thought of asking you to do this had already crossed my mind, Kili." Both stare at him. "Should things go awry, should Billana find herself without us, she would be able to make it to the Iron Hills in animal form. Regardless of anything else, of why she had been separated from us, they would have to help her as Khazad bâhâl. I didn't mention it because I thought you would act with the same distaste that the rest of your people would, lass."
"How do you know so much about hobbits?" Kili asks.
"I've had my encounters," Balin replies in a tone which tells them both to drop the subject. "If it's something that you want, Billana, I will be happy to stand with you."
"It might not be a bad idea to have Fili there as well," Kili says and Balin hums an agreement.
"Immediately after the ceremony," he says, "for now, lass, it's time for you to bathe and comb your hair."
She gives Kili a helpless look as Balin leads her away. To her annoyance he merely grins and walks in the opposite direction.
An hour later she is stood in the field surrounded by the drone of Beorn's massive bees. Her clothes have been cleaned and mended, her belt is fastened at her hip with her little sword on one side and the elf dagger on the other. Her hair has been washed and treated with oils so that it smells faintly of vanilla and hangs neatly down her back instead of in the usual riotous mass of curls that she has to contend with on a daily basis. Balin stands next to her, as clean and polished as she is given the circumstances, and he smiles at her as she shifts nervously while she waits. One by one her friends take up a low hum that grows into a rumbling song that seems to vibrate inside her bones and makes her chest feel tight, as though the weight of every mountain is upon it. This is the signal for her to step among them, where they stand in a circle around Thorin with a space left for her to pass through and Balin to take up.
Her guardian joins the song as she halts in front of Thorin, remembering to keep her gaze up and on his rather than looking at her feet as she wishes that she could. Thirteen sets of eyes are on her in a way that makes her heart race uncomfortably and the old urge to run comes over her. Attention on this scale has always ended badly for her in the past. It is only the way the waves of the song wash over her, and the way that Thorin's eyes almost seem to smile even though his face is stern, that keeps her from giving in to the impulse. Finally, he raises his hands and the others fall silent so suddenly that it feels like the world has stopped for just a second.
He begins to speak in rapid Khuzdul, the words flowing from his lips far more naturally than she thinks they ever will from hers. She knows what he is saying, knows that he is recounting the deeds that she has undertaken in order to be granted this great honour. They are things that she would just as soon not remember in so much detail or with any of the exaggeration that she is sure Thorin will be indulging in. She pays attention to the way that it rolls from him, the way that the words seem to sound more natural coming from his lips than the common tongue that they all share. The words call to mind high mountains and deep places and perhaps the way that they make her feel are as much a reason that they are kept from outsiders as anything else. He utters her name and she blinks, realising that now is the time for her to make her replies and hoping that she doesn't butcher the language too horribly.
He asks her if she understands the reasons that they have offered her the honour of declaring her Khazad bâhâl, which she confirms haltingly. He asks if she understands that their secrets are sacred and not to be shared with outsiders unless those outsiders have also been deemed worthy of the position of Khazad bâhâl and she confirms that with more confidence. He finally asks if she, as Khazad bâhâl, is willing to give her time and possibly her life in the protection of those secrets, if she will keep them no matter who may order her to betray them. She has no difficulty giving her vow to that one.
"Who will place the braid?" Thorin asks her.
"I ask it of Dori, son of Aari," she responds in Khuzdul, the words halting but clear.
"Step forward," Thorin orders and Dori complies.
As he carefully separates out a section of her hair the others begin to hum again, taking up another air that fills the circle. Dori doesn't hurry, his fingers confident but moving at a stately pace as he weaves occasionally holding a hand out to Thorin so that he can take another bead to place in her hair. The beads are small, far smaller than the ones that she has seen clasp the ends of the braids most of her friends wear, and a quick glance shows that they each have a small chip of diamond set in them with a star etched around them. It reminds her of the stars in the inking she will have Kili give her later and she supposes there must be some significance to it though she has no idea what. Finally, as the song the others are singing reaches a crescendo, Dori accepts the final bead from Thorin, this one a larger and heavier one that serves as a clasp at the end of her braid. Then he bows to Thorin, touches his head to Billana's briefly, and steps back into his place in the circle.
"Billana Took," Thorin says over the hum of the others, "Khazad bâhâl!"
Seven times he and the others shout the same sentence until, with a final cheer, they close in around her and she finds herself surrounded by them as they each reach to pat her on the back or pull her into a firm embrace.
"And now we drink!" She hears Bofur declare and is glad when Fili catches her hand to pull her from the crowd racing towards Beorn's ale barrels.
"Well done," he whispers, and she beams at him.
"I probably butchered it," she says, and he shrugs. "But I didn't run."
"No, you did well," he agrees, "and I noticed how badly you wanted to. It won't always be so hard to be under scrutiny, Kitten," he assures her. She nods.
"Billana?" Kili approaches with Balin, his expression tight, "it's time."
They step around a corner where it is less likely that one of the others will come across them. Fili keeps her hand held tightly in his, his expression showing as clearly as Kili's that he does not like this. With the ceremony so recently completed there is no need for anything to be repeated as would have to happen if they waited until they had the equipment in Erebor and so Kili simply mutters the final phrase once more before placing his hand over her arm and muttering a word. Fire blazes through her where his hand rests and she bites her lip to keep herself from screaming. Anguish covers Kili's face and for a moment she thinks that he might pull away until Balin reminds him that he cannot.
Fili draws her head into his chest and she turns her face into him, breathing in his scent with every gasping breath until the pain finally recedes and she feels Kili reach for her. She pulls him close and they stay like that for far longer than she had thought Balin would allow until her shaking stops and her tears cease.
A.N: Butchered Khuzdul:
Khazad bâhâl: Dwarf friend (lit. befriender of dwarves)
Yes, I will butcher tiny amounts of Khuzdul, but I wasn't going to do the whole ceremony. How many chapters have we spent at Beorn's now? And still at least two more to go... If they don't get as out of control as this one did.