Here With Me by Marshmello and CHVRCHES
Santana's POV
The table they're eating breakfast at is ridiculously large. Her mother is sitting on the left end of the table while her stepfather Kirk is on the opposite side.
Santana is seated in the middle, so she has to turn her head every time one of them speaks up.
To say that it's a weird situation would be an understatement. She doesn't remember ever having breakfast alone with her mother and Kirk. Or spending time with them in the first place. When Santana got up from bed an hour ago, she found Kirk sitting by the pool outside. It was the first time they exchanged more than a couple words ever since he came into her mother's life years ago.
Her mother joined them after a while to let them know that breakfast was ready. Here they are now in the dining room… her mom and Kirk are talking about the appointments they'll have at the practice later on. It sounds like a lot is going on at work.
They're not only a good couple in private, they also work hand in hand. Their effort and hard work made them become two of the most successful beauty surgeons in the country. People travel here from far away just to get an appointment at the Harper-Lopez practice.
Even if it was never something that Santana could relate to, she can't deny that they must be more than good at what they're doing.
She's playing with the egg in her plate. Everything looks delicious but her appetite has been numbed. It's like it got burned down with her house. Every minute that she doesn't get distracted by something or someone, she thinks of the house and the fire.
Of course she was lucky. In a way.
No one died. She was able to get away from it although it was already too late.
But she feels nothing but empty at the moment. Or more likely she doesn't feel like herself anymore.
She's not wearing a single piece of clothes that belongs to her. Friends of her mother who have daughters dropped off clothes yesterday when Santana came here from the hospital.
She should be thankful, she knows that. And she is. About everything. But nothing feels right.
The clothes, the uncomfortable bed in the pool house, the fact that she's living with her mother again.
She wasn't prepared for this.
Now she has no other choice but to take what she gets and return the gestures of goodwill with a polite smile.
"Still can't really eat, huh?" Kirk's voice makes her look up from her plate. She sighs.
"No… it smells delicious, though. I'm sorry." Santana mumbles. Kirk waves it off.
"Don't be sorry. We can only imagine what must be going on inside of you. You take your time. The appetite will come back when your body is ready." Kirk smiles at her.
Santana returns it.
Yes, he has been nothing but friendly ever since they were younger.
Loretta adores him. He's good-looking, always surrounded by a fresh scent of after shave and a kind smile graces his lips whenever he talks to someone.
But every time Santana thinks that he's a really nice guy, he'll say something that puts her off her stride. It's just something that goes with along with his persona. She can't ignore it.
Whether it's about politics, work life or their employees at home. He'll always say something that she can't find common ground with.
It's not any different today.
"I hope they find the guy soon…" Kirk mutters before emptying his coffee and filling the cup again right away. "He'll regret it when spending a long time in jail."
Santana throws a look at her mother to see if she knows what Kirk is talking about but she looks just as clueless.
"Who do you mean, honey?" She wants to know.
"The one who set the fire." Kirk answers with a shrug. "I don't understand how these dumb idiots get away with it. If I was to investigate this, I wouldn't rest until I'd find him and put him into a jail cell with my own hands."
Santana's mother laughs amusedly.
"While I appreciate your concern, I'm glad you're not an investigator. You'd cause more trouble than help. Also, we need your skilled hands to do the more important job at the practice."
At that Kirk joins her laughter.
"You're right, my love. But I'm serious. He'll get away with it. He's probably sitting at home, laughing his ass off."
For a moment Santana thinks that it's probably for the best to just keep quiet. This is irritating her more than she can say. But she can't sit on her mouth.
"It really doesn't look like it was arson, Kirk." She tries to say calmly. "Also, how would you know for sure it was a guy? If somebody did it?"
Kirk stares at Santana incredulously.
"Well alright, I don't know if it was a guy for sure but come on… it's clear that this was intention. My friend from the police department said that there's no doubt-"
"Yeah, your friend from the police department knows everything, right? But what makes him think it was intention? It's all over the news these days. How can you not see it?"
Santana has no idea where it comes from. The anger over Kirk's ignorance. But it fills her within seconds. Maybe it's because this time she's in the middle of it. He's trying to make her believe that some faceless idiot's brainless act is responsible for how her life just got turned upside down.
"You mean the conspiracy theory that suddenly everything is linked to climate change? That the planet is torching itself?" Kirk wants to know with a calm voice. He doesn't even seem surprised that Santana talks back.
Well she's not surprised about his point of view, either.
"Conspiracy theory? How can you even say that?"
"Because people all over the world are getting brain washed, Santana." Kirk explains with his still friendly voice. Maybe it's a tiny bit sharper. But his smile tries to cover it. She's so opposed to the way he's sitting there like on a throne. "The president himself says that-"
"Oh I don't want to hear what the president says or thinks or dreams about!" Santana interrupts Kirk. "Or your sheriff friend or anyone who wants to make me believe that my whole life got erased just because of some person's stupid act of vengeance or something? Why do you even listen to what those people say? Instead of thinking with your own head? Then you'd know that it didn't happen because of a guy we'll never catch. Someone we'll never get to see face to face. But that's easier isn't it? To blame it on someone you can't see. Instead of looking reality in the eyes and acknowledging the truth. This was a fire directly linked to global warming. There have been before and there will be more. Bigger ones, deadlier ones. Whether you want to believe it or not."
Santana's voice trembles. Her mother clears her throat awkwardly. She tried to interfere but Santana ignored her attempt by speaking without taking a break. Kirk speaks up after a moment of silence.
"Well, I'm sure some environmental activists would welcome you into their middle right away but this isn't going to get you any further. You lost your home, Santana. It will take time to fully accept it. Your mother and I will support you as much as we can."
Santana shakes her head in disbelief. Is he trying to change the subject?
Fine…
"Thank you, Kirk. I do appreciate that you're letting me stay here. But I really wish it wasn't like this. That I'd still have my own place to go home to where everything I owned had its place instead of fitting into an urn like it does now. I wouldn't have to sleep in my mother's pool house and sit at a table with her, trying to make conversation after we haven't spoken in years." Santana's eyes find her mother's.
"I didn't choose this… and I'm certainly not going to let anyone ridicule it. No one had to intentionally set the fire. No one is laughing their ass off at what is happening."
Her shaking voice and the way she's breathing harder must have reached Kirk on a different access. He suddenly looks like he feels bad.
"I'm sorry Santana. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. When I say that I don't believe in the effect of global warming then I mean the way people are trying to set the whole world into panic. I just don't think that's helping. There will be new technologies or inventions that we can't even think of right now. But they will make sure that our planet doesn't burn down."
Santana shakes her head at the way Kirk is trying to calm her down as if she was a five-year-old girl.
"Oh really…" She mumbles crestfallen. There's no point in trying to convince him of how she sees it. "Well if they find a technology to extend the rainy season instead of the fire season or how to make the winds less powerful or… how to stop temperatures from going up, let me know… Then I'll shut up."
Kirk wants to say something, she can tell. But only a breath of nothing escapes his lips when she looks him in the eyes.
When she gets up from the table, she walks over to put her hand on her mother's shoulder.
"I'm sorry, mom. Thank you for breakfast. I need to lie down for a bit…"
Her mother nods and reaches her hand up to lightly squeeze Santana's.
Then Santana leaves the kitchen without looking at Kirk once more.
The rest of her day is rather uneventful. She sleeps a lot and spends an hour at the pool together with Kurt. He brings her an old computer he doesn't need anymore as well as some good books to kill the boredom.
They don't talk a lot, they're just floating on their mattresses in the water. She's thankful that he's there to be with her.
Later on her when she's alone, her mother joins her in the pool house for a few minutes and brings her a cup of tea as well as some cookies. She apologizes for the way Kirk talked to her and how she didn't say anything. She had been too caught off guard.
Santana thanks her mother for the apology and the cookies before finding herself alone again.
She sinks down on the hard mattress of the bed and stares at the ceiling. When she bites into a cookie, she can't help but think of Brittany's cookies and how they ate them in bed, too. The memory brings a smile to her face.
With a yawn she throws a look at the alarm clock. It's late but not too late to call her.
She grabs her phone from the nightstand table and dials Brittany's number. It's not like she just saw her yesterday but still… she misses her.
She always misses her when they're not together.
Luckily Brittany picks up after only two seconds. They talk about this and that… how Brittany is jealous of Santana's cookies and that she'd love to sneak into the pool house to get some, too but she's too scared to get caught by Santana's mother.
It makes Santana feel like she's seventeen again. Just for a moment, she doesn't have any sorrows.
She listens to Brittany's voice, chuckles at her jokes and tries to remember what their passionate kisses feel like. It's been way too long in her opinion.
When she shares that thought with Brittany, she can almost see the blush on the blonde's cheeks. She imagines how she grins and rolls her eyes.
"I really miss those kisses, too…" Brittany confirms with a tiny sigh. "And everything else we used to do before I made a fool of you at The Surface. Before running away to my aunt's ranch without saying a word. Can you ever forgive me?"
Santana presses the phone closer to her ear, hoping to get a little more of Brittany that way.
"If I you were here now, I'd show you how mad I still am. I'd probably give you the cold shoulder." Santana mumbles with a smirk that Brittany can't see. "But then I'd hold you close to show you how happy I am to still be alive and to be able to look at you and feel you. And…" Santana thinks for a moment. "Maybe if you really feel the urge to make something up, you could join me to the house tomorrow? I'd be glad not to go there alone. I mean, my mother would probably join me but I'd rather go there with someone I-"
"I'll be there. Just let me know what time and I'll be there to pick you up. But now I should let you sleep. You sound really tired. I'll call you in the morning for details ok?"
Santana whispers a relieved 'thank you' and some good night wishes before they hang up the phone and she falls into a deep sleep.
Brittany's POV
She's ten minutes early. But that's ok. It gives her time to check out a little bit of Anita Lopez' residence.
It's breathtaking. She wishes she could see the backyard from where she's parked in the drive way but it's hidden.
The garage looks huge. Four cars easily fit in there. She wonders if this is the house that Santana grew up in but then she remembers Santana telling her about how her mother married a new man.
She can only imagine what it must be like to suddenly live with your parent again after you haven't been in touch for a long time. She can't even imagine going back to her own parent's house although they have a great relationship.
When a familiar brunette wearing stranger's clothes steps through the front door minutes later, Brittany swallows. On one hand because Santana never fails to look good no matter what she's wearing and on the other because she looks like she's in low spirits.
Usually Santana's face beams whenever she looks at you. Now she smiles when she climbs into the passenger seat but her eyes are filled with worries.
"Thank you for doing this." She greets Brittany with a low voice.
Brittany doesn't know what to say. Instead she leans over the center console to take Santana in for a hug. It gets reciprocated right away.
"Of course" Brittany whispers. "You're not alone. Even if it feels like it. I'm here to be by your side." She squeezes her once more before giving her an encouraging smile and starting the engine.
Santana takes a deep breath. Her eyes are a tiny bit more courageous now.
Her hand is cold when Brittany takes it into her own as soon as they're on the road. The hand trembles but it quickly eases when Brittany's warm fingers shelter it.
It only spurs Brittany to do her best to live up to her promises.
It's half an hour later when Brittany dares to step closer to Santana.
She's standing there in the middle of everything and nothing at the same time. Everything that used to be hers and nothing that you'd recognize at first glance.
She's had her mouth and nose covered with her hands, probably at the unbelievable sight in front of her and the burnt scent in the air.
Now that Brittany carefully steps next to her and puts her hand on Santana's shoulder, the brunette lets her hands sink down.
"I kind of knew what to expect…" She mutters close to tears. "But then again you're never prepared to see something like this." She points at the one corner of the ruin. It looks like it got the least of damage. "Was that my kitchen? Did I stand in there just a couple days ago with everything shiny and sparkling? I mean… where's the upstairs? It's all just… flat."
Brittany shakes her head in disbelief, too. She had hoped that things wouldn't be as bad but as soon as they arrived, they knew that they no longer had to wonder if maybe Santana could return to her home at one point in the future. There's nothing to return to. You'd have to build a completely new house.
"I can't believe some of your plants survived" Santana exhales with something that almost sounds like a teary laughter. "You did an excellent job choosing some fire-resistant ones… but all your hard work got erased, too. I'm so sorry. I should have tried to save it."
Brittany turns to face Santana. She puts both her hands on the smaller woman's shoulders.
"You couldn't have saved it. It was just a garden. I'm so glad that you're not lying here somewhere underneath a burnt piece of furniture." She says determinedly and pierces her eyes into Santana's. "That's the only thing that matters."
Santana nods, then breaks into tears.
"But it was so lovely… I loved it so much. And everything about this house. Yes, it was way too big for just me. But it was beautiful. Now there's nothing except from the few things that the firefighters must have been able to safe when they got here. A couple pieces of furniture… some stuff from the kitchen. But nothing that would have really mattered to me. All the art I collected. It's gone. The small things that are linked to memories… my clothes. I know that sounds silly but I'd trade the furniture with some of my clothes."
Brittany's eyes land on something on the ground just a few feet away from them. She was already looking at it earlier because it's too white to be burned. She steps away from Santana to carefully pick it up. When she turns it around, she realizes that it's a painting.
"Oh my God, look. It's nearly unscathed." She breathes when holding it up for Santana to see. "Where was it? I don't remember ever seeing that on a wall at your place."
Santana blinks several times, her mouth hanging open.
She steps towards Brittany, shaking her head in disbelief. When she reaches her hand out to carefully touch the painting, she throws a glance up into Brittany's eyes.
"It was new. I got it the other day and… it reminded me of you. The colors, the way it looks like a never-ending ocean."
Brittany swallows when she watches how Santana lets her finger run over the piece of art, admiring it.
"I can't believe it survived. With just one or the other small burn mark." Santana whispers.
Brittany, once again speechless, lifts an arm and lays it over Santana's shoulders. With the other hand she holds the painting to her side, letting her head rest against Santana's.
Together they stand there for another long minutes, mourning the beautiful house with its garden and memories.
She knows that many families are going through what Santana is going through. The fire torched about two hundred and fifty homes. It scorched thousands of acres and resulted in millions of dollars in damages.
But you can't really put the personal loss into numbers. Things that meant a lot to Santana aren't there anymore. Things you can't just replace by walking through a shopping mall.
The truth is, Brittany would do anything to somehow give them back to her. She'd switch their positions in a heartbeat if she could. She can't stand seeing Santana like this.
She'd create a hundred gardens for her. She'd give her all her clothes. But Santana doesn't really wear the same things, so... She probably needs something completely different.
"We should probably go." Santana says after a while, breaking their intimate position. "My mom said something about dinner with a friend of the family. Whoever that is… I could have said that I don't feel like it, right? I'm old enough! But the fact that I live with my mother again has this power over me that makes me feel like I'm going through puberty again. Is it weird that she told me what to wear this morning and I obeyed?"
Santana's confused look together with her sometimes priceless sarcasm makes Brittany laugh out loud.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. It's not even funny but I just… you make me laugh. I'm sorry."
Santana seems unaffected. She shrugs.
"No matter how much time passes. Mothers have that… that thing!" She shakes her head. "You're not able to escape it. I find myself agreeing to things that I don't want. She really wants me to take the other apartment that belongs to Loretta. Of course it would be convenient. My sister needs a renter and I need a place to stay. My mother always wanted it to stay in the family. But… I just don't want to. It's too close to them, too soon. I don't know if anyone could understand. Everyone else who lost their home would probably want to hit me in the face for not wanting to take this opportunity. It just… feels wrong. More than anything I could say."
Santana sighs.
She's standing there wearing blue jeans that are too long, a funny t-shirt with prints on it (something that Brittany has never seen on Santana's body) and shoes that look like they belong to Brittany's grandma.
Yes. It definitely looks wrong. Everything.
But why does everything have to be wrong? When something could be a little bit right?
She clears her throat. Then raises the painting in her hands to make Santana look at her.
"This… I think this would look really good in my bedroom. I always thought it's a little bleak in there. But this would bring some color into it."
She's not sure if Santana is really listening to her. She's just standing there, giving her a confused look.
"You want the painting? The one thing I have left?"
Brittany nods.
"I mean, it matches my eyes. Isn't that why you bought it in the first place?" She challenges Santana.
The brunette gives her a cute smirk in return.
"Maybe" She mumbles with a shrug. Brittany winks at her.
"I'll take that as a yes. So yeah… you should really hang it in my bedroom."
The look on Santana's face is still not showing any sign of understanding. She crosses her arms in front of her chest.
"Do I get anything in return?" She chuckles at her own words. "I'll probably say yes to everything. Considering the circumstances."
Brittany tilts her head, pretending that she's thinking.
"Well… you could have the left side of my bed." She says like it's something casual.
In a funny way, it feels like it is.
Santana stares at her. Her lips part and she seems to ponder. Whether she's misunderstanding things or not.
"Or the right one…" Brittany clarifies. "It depends on what you prefer. But so far you've always slept on the left side when you stayed over."
Since Santana still seems to have doubts about what Brittany is suggesting, she decides to lay it all out there. This isn't the moment to play around.
"You could come live with me. My apartment is small, I know… I don't have many things. But at least you wouldn't have to feel like a child. I certainly wouldn't tell you what to wear. If we don't feel comfortable, then we'll think of something else. But it might be worth a try… maybe you'll feel a little better than at your mother's place."
She stops talking because there's always a risk of ruining things when you speak without thinking.
Not that she hasn't thought about this.
It was the first thing that came to her mind when she and Eli dropped Santana off at the hospital.
She hasn't been able to think about much else ever since.
After what feels like an eternity, Santana speaks up.
"Are you… offering me to move in with you?" She wants to know.
Brittany nods. This makes her feel amazing. Something like... pride?
As a matter of fact, nothing has ever felt better.
Santana still gazes at her in confusion. But it turns into awe as seconds pass. Then she starts moving.
She walks up to Brittany, lifts her arms to wrap them around Brittany's neck. She falls into open arms, their upper bodies pressing against each other like magnets.
"I don't know what to say" She mutters between a sob and fresh tears.
Brittany wraps her arms around Santana's middle, still holding the painting in her hand.
"Just say yes" She suggests with a kiss to Santana's neck.
The woman in her arms cries gently, letting all the sorrows out that must have built up inside of her over the past three days.
She holds on to Brittany closely.
"Yes" She whispers with a trembling body.
They stand there for a long time. When the sun starts to set and a beautiful orange shade crawls over the ruins in an almost apologetic way, Brittany takes Santana's hand to guide her back to the car.
"Come on" She mumbles. "We've got lots to do. There are many things we have to organize. But tonight I want to take you home and cook you something nice for dinner. We can start first thing in the morning…"
Santana follows her willingly and sighs at the words of dinner. She explains that she hasn't really eaten since she left the hospital but finally senses her appetite coming back to life.
Brittany chuckles when she opens the passenger door to let Santana climb inside. She hands her the painting, then leans in to press a careful kiss to Santana's warm lips.
It's soothing. Even for herself although she's not the one who got harmed in the fire.
Then she closes the door, hurries around the truck and gets inside, too.
When she throws a glance to her right, Santana gives her that look.
It's the same look she gave Brittany the first time they met.
Surprise. Curiosity… and something like adoration.
Maybe she also just thinks that because it's the same thing that's going on inside of herself.