Chapter 31.
After discussing the vampire issue with Bobby, Dean went to the kitchen. He told himself he wanted to eat something, so Cas would stop worrying, but he knew, deep down, that the kitchen just felt comforting and homey. It felt even more so when he found his mother there, drinking coffee. "Hey." she said, "You want a cup?"
"Yeah, thanks." he said.
She poured it for him and put it on the table opposite her. "Sit. Talk." she said.
"About what?" he asked.
"Really? Don't waste my time or yours, Dean. I know something's happened."
"Well, the talismans work, which is great." he said.
"But?"
"It's nothing. Cas and I just failed to communicate. It's happening a lot, lately."
"You argued?"
"Not really. We just said things that were the wrong things to say. We both admitted they were the wrong things to say and we're still friends and everything, but ... well, the truth is, I said too much."
"About what?" she asked.
"Stuff. Things. The mind curse."
"Why do you call it that?" she said.
"It's what Cas calls it." he said.
"So what did you say?"
He thought about it. Bobby had actually interrupted just as he had been about to say something really stupid, but mentioning the fear Cas had noticed had been stupid anyway. "I just brought up stuff I didn't need to bring up. I need to stop thinking about myself and remember that Cas suffers whenever I even mention the damn curse."
"Where is he now?" she asked.
"I don't know. He left when I was talking to Bobby. I thought about finding him, but what am I gonna say? I'd just make it worse."
"Do you want me to talk to him?" she said.
"No. I have to deal with it later. For now, he needs some peace. Why don't we take the coffee to my room and read some more Carver Edlund? But not the one you were planning to read. I think you should read one of the later books, Lazarus Rising."
"What happened in that?" she said.
"Castiel happened. I want you to know how he came into our lives and why he's unlike every other angel there ever was."
"You really think you've messed this up, don't you?" she said.
"I talk without thinking. I say stupid things. I say stuff he can only hear as criticism and then I go and tell him that ... "
"That what?" she said.
"I tell him I only care about myself. I mean, I guess he knows that by now, but I don't have to keep proving it again and again."
"Dean, all I ever see is that you care about everyone but yourself."
"Yeah, well, I try to look good in front of you. I hate having to say this, Mom, because I'd love you to think good things about me, but I may be the worst friend in the world. Fantastic brother, Sam has nothing to worry about, I swear; lousy friend. We found something that means he never has to suffer this again ... " On "this" he slapped his forehead. "We find the way to stop his pain and all I can do is think about myself and what I've lost."
"What have you lost?" she said.
"Nothing. Not a damn thing. Nothing I ever had a right to." he said.
"Would it kill you to be honest? Are you so afraid to say it that you'll just keep pretending it's not important?"
"I'm not afraid to say it. I'm afraid he'll hear it. I nearly said it to him today."
"You know, you should be able to tell a friend anything."
"Great in theory, but in this case, a really stupid idea." he said.
"Well, tell your mother."
He looked into her eyes. He knew he could trust her. He had always trusted her. "Mom, it's bad. It's real bad."
"Tell me." she said, "Whisper it."
He leaned across the table and whispered, "I can't stand the silence. I want the damn curse back."
"That's the bad thing?" she said.
"Totally ignoring how Cas feels doesn't seem bad to you?" he said, "I'm hoping the chain breaks and I lose the talisman, you know, the one that makes it bearable for Cas to be around me."
"Tell him. Talk to him. You said you almost did." she said.
"I'm just glad Bobby came in at that moment. If I had told him, he'd know I think of myself before considering him."
"Dean, you're wearing the talisman." she said.
"Yeah, but I wish Sam had never found the damn thing. It's not what you do that matters, it's the motivation."
"Maybe it's both and maybe doing something you don't want to do because it's best for someone you love makes it an even better thing to do than if you really wanted to do it."
"And maybe you're my Mom and you make excuses for me and I love that you do that, but I'm just being selfish. I need to solder the catch so I can never take this thing off."
"If he felt this way, you'd want to know."
"Because I want him to feel this way." he said.
"Even if you didn't ... "
"Mom, you're great at this, really you are. You make Sam look like a total amateur, but I've been making excuses for myself for decades and even I can't make this anything but terrible. I owe Cas everything and I can't do this one little thing without resenting it."
"Whether you resent it or not, you're doing it." she said. She looked at him thoughtfully. "Dean, have you ever just risked everything on your faith in a friendship?"
"Never with a good result." he said, "Only two friends never let me down and I got them both killed."
"So now, you don't believe in friendship?"
"I believe that losing Castiel's friendship or betraying it would be the biggest mistake in a life full of huge, stupid, dumb mistakes." he said.