CHAPTER 33
"So, what has Gideon bought you for Christmas?" my mum asks as we are in the kitchen helping Gran with the dinner.
"Nothing" I say simply as I concentrate on chopping the mountain of carrots in front of me.
"Nothing?! Nothing at all, but it's Christmas and you can't say he hasn't got enough money to get you something?" she says incredulously and I glance up to see her staring at me.
I am shocked by her tone and even my gran pauses and she has a slightly surprised look on her face. I'm not sure why, but that question and her response has riled me, and the way she asked it almost seemed indecent not to mention ungrateful and downright greedy after everything he has done. I wonder if I am overreacting and I glance at gran who looks equally appalled by her remarks – so it wasn't just me then?
"What?" my mum asks oblivious to what she has just said and how bad it sounded.
I put down the knife I am holding and I turn to face her, "Mum, he just paid for our wedding, a new house, not to mention all the renovations – and yes I know dad and Granddad and their mates did most of the work but they were paid for their time and Gideon paid for everything that went in there".
My mum goes red and opens her mouth to speak but I hold up my hand.
"Then, he paid for our honeymoon in Paris, he bought me a ton of stuff while we were there, not to mention my fucking passport so I could get there which he paid extra to have it done quickly. He has paid for my provisional driving licence and he is paying so I can go to college to do my GCSE's, he bought me a new phone when mine shit itself, he has given me a savings account with a wad of money in it, along with setting up a joint current account and he has put me on his credit card and he has made certain that I never have to worry about money ever again and I don't have to count every penny anymore to make sure that I am going to make ends meet. So, having said all that, I didn't expect him to get me anything" I say.
"I didn't mean anything by it" she says haughtily.
I just shake my head and return to my chopping.
"Did you get him anything?" my gran asks carefully, breaking the awkward silence that has descended over us.
I nod and smile at the thought of my little surprise which I am going to do tonight once we are alone back at home when Maisie has gone to bed, "I have, I got him a new watch it was one which I knew he wanted. He's been looking at it for a while and I have had it engraved, I'm going to give it to him tonight" I say.
My gran smiles, "That's lovely" she says, but my mum just lets out a small huff.
I slam down my knife, "What?!" I snap.
"I didn't say anything" she says.
"No but you want to" I spit at her, "What's up mum are you jealous of the fact that I am having a bit of happiness in my life?"
"Evie, come on" Gran says carefully.
I go to apologise but I swallow my words when I hear what my mum says next.
"It's alright for you now; everything is wonderful in your world! You have your new fancy home and your loved up rich husband and no money worries anymore. Miss La-de-da now aint you! My life is falling apart right now but nobody gives a shit about that do they?" she says.
I stare at her, "Seriously? You are going there" I say, I glance at my gran who looks completely disgusted by what my mum has just said and if looks could kill the one gran is giving my mum at this moment would have her stone dead on the floor.
My mum takes a shot look at gran in the hope that she will back her up but gran just shakes her head.
"That was uncalled for Mon, I suggest you take it back and stop trying to ruin Christmas. This year is special as we have Gideon here with us for the first time" she says calmly but I can tell gran is livid by what mum said.
"Well it's true" mum mutters and I am shocked at how childish she is being at this moment as she sounds like a sulky teenager, and clearly not knowing when to shut her damn mouth and quit while she is behind! "And forgive me for speaking my mind, just in case we upset the great Gideon Cross!" she adds unnecessarily nastily.
At that final remark my temper snaps, but mindful of everyone in the next room I march up to my mum and get right in her face, "You know nothing about him, and it's not just his Christmas you seem determined to ruin, as I don't see Gideon in this room do you? Yet you are determined to upset gran and me with your fucking motor mouth and disengaged brain!" I hiss at her through gritted teeth.
She goes to fire back at me but I am too quick and continue, and as I speak, I am poking my finger in her chest. "And while we are at it, as you brought it up, whose fault is it that your life is falling apart eh? Who slept with her ex? A man who was such a stellar human being, he walked out on her when she told him she was pregnant. Who not only slept with him but slept with him behind her current partners back, and then kept that fact quiet for eleven fucking years until she was found out when that ex decides to stir up shit once more. Because let's be clear here, he didn't tell Kyle what he did out of the goodness of his heart. He was looking to cause trouble. Oh but it gets better, because when you opened your legs for your ex… you know when you cheated on dad, it seems you could have got pregnant again, but you kept quiet and let dad believe he was Kyle's dad all these years. So not only have you destroyed Vic you have also destroyed Kyle and neither of them are feeling very festive this Christmas but unlike you they are not being damn selfish and they are making an effort. So, all things considered, forgive me if I don't feel very sympathetic towards you!"
Mum snorts "You don't have the best track record either, look at the twat you chose to have a baby with!" she says.
"Enough Monica!" gran says sharply.
But that final remark has not only kicked me in the gut that she could be so cruel as to even mention Nathan, but it has made my brain disengage at this point and the words are coming out of my mouth before I can stop them and the tears are now freely flowing as I lose all self-control.
"I didn't fucking choose to, as there is a fairly good chance Maisie was conceived by rape". I realise what I have done as soon as the shocked silence fills the room and before anyone can say anything I run from the room and out of the house.
I am sitting on gran's bench under the apple tree in the garden when I hear footsteps, and gran is coming towards me. She looks at me carefully before sitting down beside me. Not a word is spoken for a few moments, but then she speaks.
"I knew more went on than you ever told me" she says simply.
I break down and sob and gran pulls me close.
"Why on earth did you go back to him, when he did that to you?" she says.
"He told me it wasn't rape because I was his girlfriend, and I was stupid enough to believe him" I say.
"Oh Evie" my gran says as she holds me and rocks me gently. "How many times did he…?" she fades off unable to say the words.
"A few, when he got high and hit me, he nearly always raped me too. I tried so hard every time to fight him off but when he was high, it was like he got some extra strength from somewhere," I say quietly.
"Does Gideon know?" Gran asks.
I nod, "He knows everything" I say.
To my horror my gran starts to cry, "Why didn't you tell us?" she says.
I shrug as I have asked myself the same question over the years. "Shame, mainly. He just got into my head and I didn't think I'd be believed as after the first time he did it he said it wasn't rape, because I was his girlfriend. I know that is bullshit now but then I believed it. Then after that, look how I stood by him against you all and constantly defended him. I believed him when he sent me that letter and said he had changed, and against every warning you gave me I got back with him, even after what he had previously done. I couldn't come back and tell you all he really hadn't at all and say oh by the way the daughter I had by him could have been conceived by rape and he had done it again since… I was ashamed" I say. I look up at my gran, "Fuck!" I say realising what I have done, "I am so sorry Gran I have ruined Christmas day and I wanted it to be perfect this year, but I've ruined it for everyone" I say.
"No, you haven't". We both look round in surprise at that comment and see Gideon standing there looking concerned, he walks closer, "Come here Angel" he says simply.
My gran releases me and I stand and walk into Gideon's arms. As soon as I feel him, I burst into tears.
"Thanks Sandra" I hear Gideon say and I look up briefly to see my gran heading back inside. We move back to the bench and sit down and I sit with my head on his shoulder.
"What happened?" Gideon asks me gently, as he holds me and gently rocks me like a child.
I sniff and tell him the whole story, leaving out the bit about the present I've bought him, "So mum has basically lost her mind and I followed her and we verbally ripped each other apart" I say when I come to the end.
Gideon snorts, "No she hasn't, she is hurting and she is hurting because of what is happening in her life and as a result she is lashing out at those closest to her, and she just managed to press your buttons in the process" he says.
I don't know how long we sit there, eventually though; I look up at Gideon. "I suppose we had better go back inside" I say.
Gideon nods, "Only if you want to Angel, say the word and we can go home if you want to?" he says.
I shake my head, "No, Maisie will know something is wrong if I do that" I say, "Time to put on a brave face and try and salvage things" I add.
"Ok, but I am right by your side and we walk in there together" he says as he grips my hand and raises it to his lips and presses a kiss to it. It takes me a moment to realise he is kissing my wedding ring.
"God, I love you" I say and I touch his cheek with my hand and lean in and press a small kiss to his lips. He responds and takes over the kiss turning it into something else completely.
We pull apart and standing up in unison we go back inside. As we are walking towards the house Gideon whispers in my ear, "What your mum said was crass in the extreme, but I have bought you something for Christmas, but I was going to give it to you tonight when we got home and were alone. I didn't want to give it to you this morning as Maisie had to wait for hers till she got here" he says. I look up at him in surprise.
"You shouldn't have, I really didn't expect anything" I protest and he smiles and covers my lips with his finger.
"Of course I was going to get you something, it's our first Christmas!" he says simply.
I smile genuinely at him, "Great minds think alike as I have got you something and I was planning on giving it to you tonight as well, once Maisie has gone to bed" I say.
He leans down and kisses me once more, "I shall look forward to receiving it… and then thanking you for it!" he says, with such heat in his voice that I feel his words do something to me which makes me want him right now.
The first thing we notice is that mum is nowhere to be seen but Vic and granddad are both standing waiting for us, the looks of utter devastation on their faces tell me gran has told them and it pushes away any other feelings I was currently experiencing.
"Where's Maisie?" I ask, as worry surges through me that she may have overheard something.
Granddad raises his hand, "She's fine, she's with the boys in the front room, they are all playing and oblivious, none of them have heard or seen anything" he says.
I look at Vic and see the tears in his eyes and without warning he shakes his head and lurches towards me and drags me into his arms and holds me tightly.
"You stupid girl" he mutters, "You should've fucking told us, I would've killed the bastard with my bare hands" he says.
I pull away slightly, "And how would that've helped eh? Then you would've been put away and left Kyle, Reece and Dec without a dad. I appreciate the sentiment but we both know that would've been equally as stupid as what I did" I say.
"Was Maisie really…?" Granddad asks and his voice cracks with emotion as he can't get the words out.
I shake my head, "I just don't know. It's more than possible, but I choose to believe it was one of the other times, and it wasn't her fault" I say and put my head down.
Vic pulls me back into his arms once more, "Did you know?" he asks and I realise he is talking to Gideon.
I glance at my husband who is still watching me carefully. He nods, "Eva has told me everything" he says.
I pull away, "So what happens now?" I ask.
Granddad comes forward and he wraps his arm around me, "You are going to go and wash your face, and tidy yourself up. We are going to have an obscenely massive and brilliant Christmas dinner and then we are going to do what we always do on Christmas afternoon. We are going to sit around in a semi-comatose state from everything we have eaten, and then we will play some silly games with the kids like we always do before your gran tries to force feed the leftover turkey down us for tea!"
I smile and let out a little giggle and he squeezes me, "That's my girl" he says.
I return to serious once more, "It goes without saying that Maisie is never to find out any of this, she isn't to blame, she is the total innocent and I don't want her treated any differently because now you know what her dad did to me and the circumstances surrounding her possible conception. I will never know for sure and so I had managed to convince myself it was one of the other times that she was conceived and… I love her and she is all that kept me alive for a long while. If it hadn't been for her well, I really don't think I'd be here right now". I say with blunt honesty.
Everyone gasps at that statement and Granddad squeezes me a little tighter. "She will never know, but I say again you should have told us before now not only what he did but that you were in such a low desperate place for such a long while" he says.
I shrug, "I didn't realise I was until I met Gideon and found true happiness" I say looking up at my husband who is simply watching what is going on. I think about what we are all going to do to try and salvage Christmas and the question pops out of my mouth before I can stop it.
"Right then, let's try and salvage Christmas, but what about mum?" I ask.
I see Vic's face harden, "Fuck her! She has gone home in a strop. I told the kids she wasn't feeling very well and she wanted to go home for a sleep. Reece and Declan just believed and accepted that but Kyle knows better of course and now he feels responsible and guilty - poor kid. But I've spoken to him and told him it had nothing to do with what has been going on recently. I told him the truth that she'd had a bust up with you and it had all got a bit ugly, I didn't go into detail for obvious reasons but that is what I told him. As far as I am concerned today can still be salvaged, especially now she has gone as she has been wandering around with a face like a slapped arse since it all came out about her and Jack. So now she has gone home we can try and have a good day" he says.
"Has it been really bad since it all came out about Jack?" I ask.
Vic nods sadly, "Yeah, and I know I've not helped as I'm on edge as I was lied to, and I feel like a mug but she just doesn't want to take responsibility for her part in it and what she did. She is blaming Jack for telling Kyle, she is blaming you for telling me, she even blamed Kyle at one point for saying something and that seriously pissed me off". He pauses at our shocked expressions, "Not to his face" he quickly says, "But she made comments to me along that line, she is blaming everyone except herself for opening her damn legs and sleeping with that useless fucker," he says.
"Do you think your relationship will survive?" I ask.
Vic shrugs, "I don't know Evie, your mum doesn't make the best decisions, she never has. But this one has to be right up there with one of the worst" he says.
I look at him in surprise, I have always known mum didn't have a lot of common sense, that's why I have tended to turn to Gran all my life, but I wonder what else she could have done that ranks as bad as cheating on Vic and possibly having a kid with another man and then keeping it secret for eleven years.
"What else has she done?" I ask.
He snorts, "You really don't want to know" he says.
I stare at him and a terrible thought goes through my mind and is coming out of my mouth before I can stop it, "Reece and Declan are yours aren't they?" I blurt out.
He nods, but doesn't look too convinced as he does so. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure they are". He pauses and sighs as if he is debating whether or not to say something and eventually, he speaks again, "I mean she did cheat on me once that I know about as she confessed to it and I forgave her for it, but now this has come out as well. I do have my doubts now and wonder what else she has done over the years" he says sadly.
My mouth drops open at this, "Mum cheated on you? You mean apart from the time with Jack?" I ask, wanting to be totally clear on this and hoping in a way that I have misunderstood him, but he nods his head.
Gideon steps forward at this point and places his hand on Vic's arm, "Then in that case, we need to get the DNA tests done as soon as possible. I will start making enquiries in a couple of days time for you, and I suggest to eliminate all doubt and put your mind completely at rest, you test all the boys". he says.
"But, the cost?" Vic protests.
Gideon waves his hand, "Never mind that, this is your piece of mind we are talking about and that is priceless" he says.
Vic nods and thanks Gideon, but I can't help but wonder what is going to happen if he doesn't get the results he wants.
oooOOOooo
We are sitting around the table, Gideon had pitched in to help with the dinner after mum had flounced off, and Vic and granddad also did their bit as they always do.
But now we are sitting around the table, and as I look everyone is putting on a good show of being happy. Of course Maisie and Declan are genuinely happy as is Reece and their smiles and laughter are what is keeping us all going and their antics are producing some genuine smiles and helping lighten the slightly strained atmosphere.
"Mummy can I ride my new bike home tonight?" Maisie asks suddenly.
Gideon looks at me and I want to say no, as I'm certain she will never make it, Gideon leans towards me, "If she doesn't make it, I can carry her and you can carry her bike. Let her, she'll be fine I've put stabilisers on it so she can't fall," he says.
I consider this and although I want to say no as the last bike Maisie had was a toddler tricycle when she was little, I find myself nodding.
"Ok" I say reluctantly.
"Yay!" Maisie shouts with exuberant happiness and I feel my face break into a genuine wide grin.
I look around the table, gran has put on some cheesy Christmas music which is playing in the background, and everyone is wearing silly paper hats and reading the stupid jokes which were in the crackers. I didn't realise that Gideon had given gran some of the wine he had brought back from France and now four bottles stand empty after being drained.
After a lovely dinner and all the plates and everything have been cleared away, we do just as granddad predicted and all sit semi-comatose in the living room. I am sitting next to Gideon and he has his arm slung around me and my head is resting on him. I glance up at him and he looks contented and happy. The television is on in the corner but nobody is really watching it and I vaguely note that the queen is on with her Christmas message.
He sees me looking and smiles, "What?" he asks.
"Happy?" I ask.
He presses a kiss to my head and nods, "More than I have ever been in my entire life" he says sincerely.
By the time it is time for us to go, I am surprised that Christmas day was salvaged and that we all had a good time, we had played games and watched some telly and just talked. Eventually though it is time for us to go. Maisie is raring to go as she is desperate to try out her new bike, she had gone out into gran's garden this afternoon to try it out along with Dec who had careered around on his new bike like a madman.
All Maisie's gifts and our precious framed photograph are bagged up and I look at Gideon, "Are we going to manage? Especially if she ends up being carried too," I say.
Kyle immediately comes up to me, "I'll help you carry your stuff, I could do with a bit of a walk" he says and I know immediately that he wants to speak to me, so I nod and thank him.
Vic watches him carefully, "Come straight back, do you hear me?" he says and Kyle nods.
Everyone says goodnight to us and Gideon is reminded to ask his family about New Year and he promises he will.
As we start to make our way home, Gideon also realises Kyle's motivation for helping us and discreetly walks ahead with Maisie who is oblivious to everyone else around her.
"Ok spit it out" I say as we walk back side by side and a discreet distance away from Maisie and Gideon, Kyle looks at me hesitantly.
"Why did mum really go off in a strop?" he asks.
I snort, "She made some really inappropriate comments about Gideon and the fact he has money which were just spiteful. It sounded as though she was jealous and let's just say I didn't take kindly to them and told her so, and you know me when I tell someone something, I don't mince my words. Gran also told her she was out of line and she didn't like hearing any of it, so she stormed off in a huff" I say.
"So, it wasn't anything to do with all that's been going on?" he asks.
I shake my head, and wrap my arm around his shoulder, "No it wasn't" I lie, "Is it really bad at home?" I ask him gently.
Kyle hesitates, shrugs and then nods, "Yeah, dad is really upset about it all and who can blame him really? But mum is just blaming everyone else, but the way I see it is she has to take some of the blame really doesn't she? Because… well, the way I see it is she knew your dad wasn't a good person. I mean he left her when she told him she was having you and he didn't bother about you did he? So why would she go and sleep with him again when he turned up and more to the point why would she do it when she was with dad?" he asks.
I sigh, "That, is the million-dollar question Kyle, nobody knows why she would do that, not even mum. But I think mum does know that she has fucked up spectacularly and she is ashamed and so she is trying to deflect that blame on to other people".
"I'll just be glad when dad sorts out the DNA test and gets the answers so there is no more uncertainty, we will all know one way or the other" he says.
"I know, and I assure you Gideon is going to look into it for him as soon as Christmas is over and he will try and get it done as quickly as humanly possible for you all" I say.
For the rest of the journey we chat some more about other things and Kyle asks me what we are doing tomorrow and he tells me that he has been thinking about what he wants to do when he leaves school. He said he wants to be an architect, I am surprised by that as he is only eleven, and at that age I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life but I encourage him and tell him to go for it. He tells me that he has been talking to Gideon and Vic about it and that they are both supportive and have told him that if that is what he wants they will support him and encourage him and of course I offer him my own support and I tell him how proud I am of him.
Eventually I realise we are home and I pause, as Kyle hands me the bags he was carrying, "Are you going to be ok?" I ask him.
He nods and smiles, "Yeah, thanks for the chat Evie" he says.
I wrap my free arm around him and hug him tightly, "I'm your sister, I'm always here for you, never forget that" I say. We say our goodbyes and he turns and walks back the way he came.
I go inside and hear Gideon upstairs with Maisie and I smile, I go to the drawer and pull out the Christmas present I bought Gideon and place it on the table and then go out and make us a mug of hot chocolate and wait for him to come down.
A short while later he appears and comes and sits next to me, "She went out like a light, she was totally exhausted, but she has your stubborn streak and she wouldn't give up, she kept stopping and I thought she wouldn't make it a few times but she nearly made it the whole way home".
"How did you manage her and her bike?" I ask.
He laughs, Maisie sat on her bike and I did the work and pulled her along" he says.
I see his eyes dart to his present on the table and I reach for it, and hand it to him. "Merry Christmas" I say and I kiss him gently.
"Thank you" he says and he opens it eagerly, his face lights up when he sees the watch and he pulls it out of the box and stares at it.
"I had it engraved too" I say and he turns it over and reads the inscription, On our first of many Christmases, with all my love, your loving wife, Eva x
"Wow, I will treasure this, you put so much thought into this that it puts my gift to shame" he says.
I shake my head, "Gideon, you have given me so much already" I argue.
He smiles and delves into his pocket and pulls out a small box and hands it to me, but he looks worried and I wonder why.
I open it and see a key inside, I pull it out and it dawns on me what he has done, it's a fucking car key, I stare at it and then up at him, "You bought me a car?" I ask incredulously.
He nods warily, "Nothing flash, just a little run about for you. I have insured it and we are both insured to drive it so I can take you for lessons in it" he assures me quickly, watching my reaction carefully.
"I don't even have my licence yet" I say, and cringe at how ungrateful I sound because I am blown away by his generosity.
He grins at me again and stands and goes to his coat pocket and pulls out an envelope and hands it to me, "Part two of your Christmas gift" he says.
I open it, and inside are a set of L plates and my provisional driving licence, I stare at it unable to speak.
Gideon holds out his hand, "Do you want to see your car?" he asks, slightly nervously.
"Where is it?" I ask.
"In the garage" he replies simply.
He leads me out to the garage and opens the door and inside is a small brand new Blue Ford Fiesta. I immediately fall in love with it and I fall in love with Gideon just a bit more.