A/N: oh wow ... has it really been over 3 years since I updated this? I'm so sorry. Life has been rough. I have not been in the emotional state to write anything in so long. I hope to do better from now on. I've been working on myself and feel like I'm finally getting my life back. And with that my desire to write, my muse is slowly returning. I just hope the long hiatus has not changed my writing ability and style.
Chapter 24
Upon returning to Skyhold a week later, Cullen and Riona where pulled apart by their duties. Cullen to tend to his men and reports. Riona to reports of active rifts that needed closing. They were busy for days, it seemed like she would never get a chance to talk to her love. She was needed in other regions but she didn't want to leave without talking to Cullen first. So while her companions readied for their next journey she went in search of Cullen.
Cullen stood in his office behind his desk, a small beautifully carved box sitting on it. He slowly opened it to reveal the small bottle of lyrium, his whole body humming with want for that glowing liquid. He hung his head in shame of his need. He was weak. He felt like a shell of a man. The withdrawals were leaving him exhausted, his body did not want to work the way it should. He thought of Riona, her soft body pressed to him, he longed to show her how much he loved her but his blasted body wouldn't cooperate. The longer he went without lyrium the more his body seemed to ignore his commands. Would it really hurt to just give in and take it? He wondered before growling low in his throat slamming the box shut before hurling it across his office … only to have Riona walk in his door at that exact moment.
"What the bloody hell!" Riona hollered as the box smashed into her. She clutched her now throbbing arm, rubbing the soreness away.
"Maker's breath! Riona I'm so sorry." Cullen cried racing around his desk to her. "Are you injured, do I need to call for a healer?"
"No I'm fine Cullen, really. It doesn't hurt that bad." Riona said with a soft worried smile towards her handsome commander. "Are you ok though? It's not like you to throw things."
"I...um...I'm fine...um actually. No I'm not fine. I'm useless. I can't function right, my body is exhausted but I've too much to do. I should step down as Commander or I should be taking the lyrium." Cullen explained, his emotions written all over his face as he paced around his office. "What good am I to anybody! What good am I too you! I can't even make love to the woman I love because I'm useless without the lyrium! I should be taking it!" Cullen cried before punching his desk.
Riona walked over to where Cullen still stood, his head hanging down, tears rolling down his face. She put her hands on his fist, soothing the knuckles until he relaxed and looked at her, her hand going to his face brushing the tears away. "Is that what you want?" She asked quietly.
"I... what I want should not matter. I've a duty to you, to the inquisition...How do I perform it without being at my best?" Cullen asked his voice breaking.
"It matters Cullen, you matter. You don't want to take it, I know you don't. You want to be free. I know you can do this, you are so strong." Riona said lovingly, her eyes begging him to believe her.
"But I can't even … I want you so much, I want to love you and give you everything… The desire is there but … it's not fair to you my love." Cullen whispered brokenly, his cheeks flaming red at the admission.
"Ma Vheran..." Riona whispered her eyes overflowing with the love she held for the broken man in front of her, "I don't care about that. I love you and want to be with you whether we are ever joined or not. I want you, I want to feel you inside of me but I would rather be held in your arms every night never experiencing that with you then to not have you at all. Please Cullen believe me."
Cullen looked at this beautiful woman in front of him, she was so amazing. Even with the knowledge that they may never be truly intimate with each other she still wants him. Him a broken shell of a man. He wasn't worthy of this incredible, strong, brave woman, but he couldn't give her up. She was his everything. He reached up and cupped her cheek in his gloved hand a smile gracing his lips. "I love you," he breathed before pressing a soft kiss to her lips.
"And I you ma Vheran", Riona sighedas she was crushed to his chest, his strong arms holding her against his heart, his head resting on top of hers.
They stayed that way, just holding each other for a long time before duty broke them apart. Cullen watched from the wall of the fortress as his love and her companions left on their next mission. His heart ached to see her leave but his mind was finally at peace.