A.N.

Alas, all good things have to come to an end. And even bad, indifferent or just plain daft things. So now that everyone has been rescued, the X-wing parts have been delivered, and just about every fanon trope and cliché I can think of has been skewered, it's time to say farewell to our cast.

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The glow from the death star filled the sky.

Bodhi spoke for all of them. In tones of awe and wonder he said, "Fuck me, we've done it."

Kay added, "And at odds of about a million to one, we're all still alive. And my diodes don't hurt any more."

"So what now?" asked Jyn.

"It's a big universe. So much still to be explored. Many, many AUs still waiting for us through the AU-gate," Baze said.

"The Mafia fic, the Eastenders fic, the truckers fic, the cowboy fic, the cowboys in space fic..." Chirrut said

Bodhi interrupted. "Daniel Craig's already done that one – it wasn't very good."

"Truckers in space?"

"That's been done too, though it shouldn't have been..."

"And so many plot lines to be explored," Baze continued. "Cassian falls out with Draven and quits the rebellion, Draven chucks Jyn out and Cassian quits the rebellion, Jyn joins up and unaccountably becomes a sergeant immediately, Jyn and Cassian get married quietly, they get married noisily, they have an arranged marriage, they have a forced marriage, they have an angsty divorce, they remarry, Jyn have many, many pregnancies with Kay acting as midwife to every one of them." (Jyn took this opportunity to neck the last of the mifepristone before giving herself a quick depo injection and looking up the address of the nearest family planning clinic).

Chirrut smiled evilly. "And just remember, the author has only scratched the surface of the AO3 tagging system. Oral sex, rough sex, sex toys, sexual coercion, outdoor sex, anal play, rimming, pegging, tea-bagging..."

"PG Tips, Taylors, Tetley's or Yorkshire?" asked Bodhi, innocently.

Chirrut carried on regardless. "Anal fingering, prostate play, prostrate play, possibly both of the above at once due to bad spelling..."

Baze added, "Choking, which is kind of self explanatory, chocking, which is what happens when the couple develop a Barry-n-Frieda style fetish for doing it on a hostess trolley, then discover you need wedges under the wheels if you want anything approaching deep penetration..."

Chirrut continued seamlessly, "Then there's the epic controversies in the comments over who should be top and who should be bottom, spilling over onto Tumblr and Twitter, leading to the breakdown of life-long friendships. Then on to voyeurism, exhibitionism, dogging in the back of a Ford Mondeo on the outskirts of Luton, orgasm denial..."

Baze nodded. "Edging, of course. Not to mention scalloping, hemming, fringing… oh no, those last three seems to be to do with embroidery… forced orgasm, blood play, knife play, dragon b***, two girls, one cup, fel***, space d***, m***..." As Baze ticked off this list on his fingers, the rest of Rogue One gradually turned more and more green.*

Kay muttered "My databases suggest you should not look any of those up… Once you've discovered what they are, you'll never be able to forget it."

"Some of those are too niche even for AO3," Baze admitted.

"That just makes it worse," Cassian choked (or possibly chocked) out, sounding like he might vomit at any minute.

Chirrut rounded up Baze's list by saying "And remember, your kink is not my kink and… all together now..." He waved his arms in the manner of a conductor directing a symphony orchestra.

There was a resounding chorus of "AND THAT'S NOT FUCKING OKAY AND WE WISH YOU'D ALL JUST PISS OFF AND LEAVE US ALONE."

"Actually, before we go, we have some announcements to make," said Bodhi.

"First up," said Chirrut. "Baze and I. We're the equivalent of monks. So… celibate. You know, not married. Celibate. Sexuality – irrelevant… Because, celibate."

"And I don't fancy Luke, haven't even met the guy. Still thinking about sexuality – but until I make up my mind, don't ship me with anyone..." Bodhi positively glared at this point.

"And me and Cassian… Comrades in arms. That's it. Did we snog in the film? No, no we did not."

The other three turned to them. "You know, even we're not buying that one."

"Va se joder," snapped Cassian.

"Which means 'go fuck yourselves'," added Jyn helpfully.**

The team started to wander off stage, muttering things like "Maybe if we rename the ship to Rouge One the Writer won't be able to track us," and "I'm changing my name to Bhodi to make myself harder to trace," and "If I shut my eyes, she won't be able to see me, la la la la la...", "But Chirrut, you're blind..." and "How about if we sliced into her laptop and blew the kriffin thing sky high… We did it to the Death Star, how hard can it be?"

Eventually the room was left empty save for a small utility droid.

It trundled forwards.

"They never even noticed me," the self-insert said in a tone of triumph. "Now for a bit of fandom skipping – like light-speed skipping, only more plausible – and see if I can marry Legolas in a glorious Elven wedding lasting fifty-two chapters, or get sorted into Hufflepuff then save Harry Potter from He Who Must Not Be Named (twice), or have a steaming hot affair with Captain America, or insert myself into a Bond film and utter the immortal words So Mr. Bond, I've been expecting you… while stroking my pussy."

With those words echoing round the empty X-wing hanger bay, the lights faded to black.

THE END

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*All of these are real things. You do not want to know what lies beneath the asterisks, because if you did you would not be able to prevent yourself from googling, and trust me, you do NOT want to do this…

** Please, please, native Spanish speakers – provide me with the right Spanish. Google translate is hopeless for swearing, so I tried my hand at cobbling something together based on a Spanish friend back when I was a student teaching me some choice swear words, plus improvising from my knowledge of Italian and Latin grammar and a lot of online verb tables… but I very much doubt that the translation is right.