Then

November 2016

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Olivia glanced up at Stone who was towering above her in his office. They had been going at it for three days trying to find a loop hole for a case they'd been working on, and she'd just about had it with not making any breaks. She was bone tired, cold and irritable, so she'd kept her mouth pinned shut to keep from showing an ugly side Stone hadn't met yet.

Not only that, she was completely strung out over the fact that David extended his trip. Instead of the known about month he'd been gone, he took an additional week to himself somewhere along the Persian coast. She wasn't even sure he'd be home for Thanksgiving.

It hurt.

And unexpectedly, she was starting to feel the way she used to. Abandoned. Alone. Started feeling the need to compromise and put his needs first, before her own, just to make him happy. Just to keep him interested. To get him to stay. It devastated her beyond what she could comprehend that they had somehow found themselves on the wrong side of the road. She believed completely that David was going to be the last man she'd give herself too. That he was the one, true great love of her life, and yet he was slowly turning into the very person he promised he'd never be. He was turning into all the men that came before him. And it broke her silently, watching him unravel into that ugliness.

To claim sanity, she very carefully tried to hold onto him. Even though she hadn't been the ideal person to keep for company, he stayed true and steady through all of her highs and lows.. He remained committed and promised that he still loved and wanted to be with her. But one day he just came home and was different. He was off. He didn't care about affection, and he didn't care about tenderness. All he cared about was privacy. Personal space. Skin.

She bit her lip remembering their last night together. The urgency they both shared on their living room couch of all places.

He cared about that.

But not about the fact that they were falling apart. Becoming less and less honest with each other. It was exhausting. The whole thing.

Exhausting.

"I'm so tired I can't even see straight," she said as she closed the case file. The warming sunlight coming through told her it was mid afternoon, and if she stayed any longer she'd waste another work day curled up in Stone's office.

"You can take the couch if you want," He offered. "I won't judge you."

They both smiled at each other. Well, she smirked more than smiled.

Stone was an interesting card. Funny. Not perfect by any means. He had a long way to go if he was serious about representing SVU in the future but aside from that he was pretty decent. He had a friendly air about him that was comforting, but his school boy edge had her on high alert for his frat mentality. Which only really showed when he was trying to be professional. In the court room he could be a huge ass and they disagreed a lot when it came to victims who had a darker gray area than others. It was going to take a lot for him to come around, maybe never, but his personal side was far more likable. Gentle even. He spoke with ease about everything. Even when he was frustrated. He was calm and cool, and always knew what to say to make her smile. Even if it was just a small joke hidden under his black humor. Simply put he was irresistibly charismatic. Out of all her colleagues he was the only one who treated her like a normal person. But then she imagined it was because he knew all about loss too.

His sister died not long ago, and somehow they bonded over that. Over loss. And grieving, and they got closer.

"Trust me, I want nothing more, but I can't stay here again" she said as she started to stand up and gather her things. "I've gotta get back to SVU. This isn't getting me anywhere, and I need a fresh pair of eyes."

She felt his hand on her back. "Hang tight, I'll get you a copy of the briefing." An in depth copy of all the information they'd collected and angles they were going to try and pursue in court. In all honesty, she wasn't looking forward to it. He really did have a flip side, and she was anxious about the court date and him slipping up again.

She put on her coat and shoved the rest of her things in her bag.

"What are you doing later on tonight? Want to get dinner?" He asked without looking at her. She watched him lick his thumb and brush through the pages on his desk, working quickly to get her everything she needed in haste. Her mouth dried. It was like she was looking at David's ghost. They were almost the same height. Both lawyers. Both emotionally detached and far off from her norm. Both offering a new and fresh feel. But Stone was all hassle free. No drama. No anger. No resentment. Just open. And healing. He was by all means the perfect rebound for all the trauma she'd been through, but she knew that if she gave into him she'd be running. Which was what Ed accused her of when they were together. Running when things got too hard, too complicated. When you love someone, you make it work Olivia. You don't give a damn about anything else but the person you're with. That's how it's supposed to work. That's how it's supposed to be. Didn't your partner teach you that?

Her cheeks burned. "Let's take a raincheck, I really need to go home and get some sleep."

Stone shrugged. "Yeah. Do whatever you need to do," he stacked the papers together and handed them together. Her heart tripped feeling his thumb brush against the back of her hand. "If I don't see you, give me a call."

She nodded and walked out the door without so much as a second look back. Too afraid and unsure to consider what all the time spent had meant. She closed her eyes, walking the hall by memory with each heavy step. Trying and failing to not think about his touch. Or how much time they'd been spending together. There wasn't anything sexual about her thoughts or his intentions but it felt wrong. Being so off guard with Stone while things were so hostile with David threw her whole energy off. She just wanted him to come home so they could be together again.

She boarded the elevator with a sigh.

"Rough day?"

Her eyes flew open and saw Ted Randall with an evil smile barely there on his face. She glared at him. "You look flush, have you been taking your vitamins?"

She wasn't entertaining a conversation with him so she threw her hand into the elevator to keep it from closing, but Randall aggressively pulled her back. The contact alone locked her spine so she was paralyzed to move. The trauma of her attack was still raw and she couldn't think or remember any of her training. She could only feel the knife like grip he had on her arm that was digging into her ribs.

"Wait a minute, aren't you going to say goodbye?" He smiled devilishly, and when she didn't say anything his face dropped all together. "How long are you going to keep us on this wild goose chase of yours?" Randall taunted. "You're wasting the tax payer dollar for what? Shits and giggles-

He made a comical clown face at her and she flinched.

"Hey!"

Olivia blinked watching Stone shove Randall into the elevator wall, his hold on her breaking almost instantly. The two men wrestled for power with Stone gaining the upper hand with his height and strength. In a two point move, he had him pinned to the wall and two fingers on the close door button of the elevator.

Randall grinned darkly. "Are you assaulting an officer counsellor?"

"You want to talk about the law?" Stone twisted his knuckles into Randall's chest. "Here's my opening statement. An unauthorized agent, who's been temporarily placed in the NYPD without credentials just threatened one of the highest decorated commanders in New York City. There were witnesses. And when I saw him get physical, I intervened and told him very nicely to get the fuck out of dodge before my fist found its way through the wrong end of his windpipe."

Randall turned his gaze at Olivia. "Does he wag his tail when you give him a treat too? Or is he just like every other guy that seems to walk into your precinct? Goes weak in the knees every time you blink? Yes lieutenant. No lieutenant. Fuck me me lieutenant."

Stone couldn't hold back any longer and before Olivia could pull him back, his fist had struck Randall clear in the face. A loud crack could be heard and he fell to the floor with blood running down his nose. But even then he was laughing. Stone grabbed her arm gently and ushered her off the elevator as soon as it opened. And together they ran down the hall, but even in their haste, Olivia could hear him screaming from the elevator.

"I know what you did! I know what you're doing! I know! I know!"

She felt like she was going to throw up.

The frosty winter air was quick to shelter her, and slowly she came back. First her heart slowed, and then she regained her head, just as she felt Stone's hand on her back again.

"Olivia are you ok?" He asked, trying his best to shield her from prying eyes.

She took his hand off her. "I'm fine."

His back straightened up and his energy shifted almost immediately. He went from concerned and caring too distant and orderly. Mirroring the likes of a soldier more than a friend.

"Are you hurt?"

She stared at him. "You shouldn't have done that."

"You should've seen the look on your face," he bit back.

Her shoulders shrugged. "I just froze."

"No you didn't. You went back to that night. He triggered you."

"I had it under control."

Stone scoffed. Mumbled bullshit under his breath.

"Yeah and what are you going to do about it?" She stepped up to him. "Break every guys nose that makes me feel uncomfortable? You'd lose your license so fast your head would spin. You think I haven't been in the room with a million guys like Randall? Or worse? I can take care of myself."

"That's not your job anymore," Stone yelled at her. She blinked, surprised that he was so passionate about the subject. And so oddly " well informed". "It shouldn't be," he tried to explain, his voice now lower. He sighed and recomposed himself, only to get closer than he had been before. "I can tell by the look in your eyes you've been around the block a few times. And you've got your squad, and your unit. But you're alone. You've always been alone. It's written all over your face. And look," he got closer. "I'm not stupid. I know we've only known each other for five minutes, I have no right to say anything about anything. But I've been down this road before. I know what it looks like and feels like. And it's not something anyone should ever have to go through. Especially after loss. I care about you a lot Olivia, I do. I really do. So I'm begging you please, let me help."

"You want to help me?" He nodded. "Learn to control your temper. Get cozy with self control. Then you can think about being there for a friend. But until then, I can't entertain any idea with you because you're right. I have been around the block a few times. And I spent over ten years of my life with a man who behaved just like you did back there. He thought he was protecting me but all he did was hurt me. He hurt me more than anyone ever did in my life because he was hurt. He never learned. And then he gave up and he just left. So hear me when I tell you the world doesn't need more right hooks. I don't need that. I don't need more violence. Or some big show of strength to know that you're on my side or trying to do the right thing. Get me?"

She waited until she was sure he understood. "I don't know what's gotten into Randall, but I do know that I'll get to the bottom of it much faster being compassionate and level headed than I will by raging through and tearing things apart. I'll figure it out, I always do. And in the meantime all I need for you to do, is to brush up on your homework before this case next week. It's going to be a tough one, and this woman needs us."

She turned away before he could reach for her again.

Fin was at the bottom of the stairs waiting for her with a car watching everything.

Seeing him standing there all she wanted to do was get in the car and go home. But that was hours away she remembered, and time had been extremely unkind for the rest of the day.

Back at the precinct she couldn't get any work done. Even after a power nap. All she kept thinking about was Randall. The way he cornered her. The sound of his voice. How familiar it all seemed.

And Dodd's busting in to suspend her for running and not intervening. A phone call from an equal higher up demanding an explanation. And let's not forget, the most anticipated piece of all; an explanation for Randall's odd choice of words.

Wild goose chase. Wasting the dollar. I know what you did. I know what you're doing.

None of it made any sense.

She started to nurse a headache when an unexpected knock came to her door. Randall's new mentor, Mike Logan from Homicide. She leaned back into her chair watching him close the door.

"You were the last person I expected to see," she exhaled.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry." He began.

"Please, don't be. I'm sorry. I should've done something. Intervened or-" she threw her hands over her desk and stood up.

"Hey kid. He was way out of line. And it cost him a broken nose. So he'll wise up. But it wasn't your fault. I heard what happened. PTSD is one hell of a slippery slope."

"So you're here to pep talk me," she smiled softly.

"I'm here because your girlfriend's been worried about you. Call her sometime. Maybe it'll do you some good." He said at the door.

Olivia nodded, remembering that she had two very real, very close friends that she hadn't seen or spoken too since she got out of the hospital. Both women were smart enough not to confront her at the precinct but they badgered her softly with texts and emails and phone calls during her off peak hours. Liv, call me. Liv, I miss you. Liv, it's me. Just want to know if you're ok.

She never responded. She should've but she never did. She didn't want to face them or anything post attack. Wasn't really a smart or even a healthy way to move on, but so far so good.

"Listen, Mike. Before you go. Ted said something to me at the end, that I can't shake."

"What?"

"He said that I was wasting tax payer dollars by sending everyone on a while goose chase hunt. And that he knew what I was doing."

Mike frowned. "He was talking about your case- He's delusional."

Olivia's heart stuttered quietly. "Have you guys been able to find anything?" Her voice failed her but her eyes were wild and all fire. Being a decorated veteran she expected that there would've been a bit more interest in her case, but within less than a week everything went quiet. People stopped coming to her saying they'd catch the guy. No one had any answers, no one told her anything or gave her any new information. It all just got swept under the rug. It hurt her like hell, but she couldn't take offense. Her people- her close people told her it was a dead end. And she accepted that, but it didn't stop her from keeping an ear out.

Mike quieted and pointed to the couch, which she of course allowed him to take. He quieted a moment, as if he were trying to find the right words, and then took a leap and shot off the brick. "About a month ago. Maybe a little more. We caught a break. Some guys from IAB- a friend of yours helped us out. We gotta tip and we thought we found a pattern between yours and Liz's case. It made sense. The three of you had a lot in common. You, Liz, and the perp. But there was an alibi and we needed smoking gun to completely rule him out. So I went back to the drawing board and I found a partial print on the rim of your car."

"My car?" Her eyes squinted. "Melinda swept it. She missed that?"

"No. She didn't. She ran it and it came back with a match but the system came back with classified files. Everything redacted. Name. Address. DOB. I thought it was just a matter of knowing the right people. Max in TARU, buddying up another captain, but the only person who has access to it is the commissioner and he won't give it up. So either the guy is in a terrorist group- in which case we can't touch him- or they don't want us to find him."

Olivia stood up and paced with that information. Almos too afraid to assume. "What's your gut say?"

"If a terrorist wanted to hurt a pregnant woman, he'd strap her to bomb and take out thirty people or more while he was at it. Your confession, coupled with the timing of this thing is too personal. They know who it is Olivia, they just don't want you to find out."

"But Ted knows?" She whipped around.

"Oh. No," Mike's eyes widened with a comical stare. "Stone gave us a head start with that one. We roughed him up a bit. He didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. That it's an inside job. He's a nut job. He'll never have a career. Crafty I'll give him that, but he's not one of us. He belongs with the suits."

Olivia heard him but she wasn't listening. She just kept overplaying Ted in the hallway. And Don standing in her office, apologizing for not having any new leads to give her. Looking back on it, it was obvious he knew what was going on, she just didn't understand why he felt the need to lie about it. When was she supposed to hear about all of this? And finding out from Mike of all people was a betrayal in and of itself. She was frustrated and irritable about the entire thing and she just wanted to break something and go the hell home.

"Thank you for telling me," she said flatly.

"You can hate me. It's ok." He stood up. "I only waited because I wanted to give you something you could find comfort in. Like 'Hey, Liv. The bastard's dead. Have a nice day'," he flashed his most cunning smile to go with his New York guy charm, though she was hardly comforted. He stuck his chin out at her. "What are you 18 years deep? Long enough to know that no matter what we do, we all just get fucked over in the end. It's the brass. I wish it wasn't. But it is. It takes things from you. Let's make this the last thing," he slapped an envelope playfully at her shoulder before opening her front door. "Call Casey."

She nodded just as her eyes began to water again, and sat back down to catch her breath.

The journey home left her with a lot to think about. Too much. Repressed feelings about Elliot, that horrible fight she and David had before everything happened. The way he begged her to stay…They said horrible things to each other, and then made love to make up for it, but she never quite got over how adamant he was after. She refused him a second time and that's when he started getting distant.

She bit her lip remembering him wrapping her up in a towel. "I could make love to you all day tomorrow. And the day after that, and after that, and after that," He pecked her lips.

"After you just got finished telling me how much you trust me?"

"A few days, Liv. Just a couple of weeks- I trust you. I do, but we're almost there. And you keep getting bigger and bigger. I just want you where I can see you until it's over. You've got precious cargo growing in here."

She'd pulled away when he neared to kiss her some more. He sounded like Dodds. The whole conversation felt demeaning. And when she wouldn't cave he got aggressive.

"I'm not asking you for anymore than what's being handed to you. You have a maternity leave-

"And I want to spend every moment of it with him and you. No interruptions. So can we please just drop it? I know what I'm doing. It seems like a lot, but this is important to me. I want that time with him. I need it David."

She quickly dried off, and put on her clothes.

"You're being unreasonable," he said.

"Am I? If I asked you the same thing would you do it?"

"Haven't I already?"

"I don't know have you?" Even though he wasn't going into the office anymore, or jet setting across the world, he was still working. Every morning, 5am like clock work. Sometimes 4 if she was too tired to sleep with him. Thirty minutes in the gym a quick shower and then back to back conferences while she was at SVU. Just because he could do everything from home did not mean he had the upper hand.

He nodded at her matter of factly."I take the calls because you're not here, but if you were-

He shrugged. "I'd cut the line so fast it'd make your head spin." He pulled her closer again. "I've been down this road before, Cara. I almost lost everything because I chose different. Now? Forget it. The only thing I want and need is you and this baby."

She frowned. "You think ambition is the reason I'm staying?"

"I know it's not, Liv. But you've gotta slow down. Figure out some balance. We're having a child and you're acting like it doesn't change anything. But it does. It changes everything. If you don't figure this out now, everyday is going to turn into a compromise for you. And I know you. I know that's not what you want. Making those choices is going to break you and it's going to break him and me. So just stop."

Just stop.

She wished more than anything that she had just listened to him. Could hardly see straight she was crying so much. Wishing.

Wishing she'd done it all so differently.

And knowing that she was betrayed by the very thing she tried so hard to protect twisted the knife even further in. It was vicious. The whole thing. And she couldn't imagine how she was supposed to walk back into the precinct the next day as if nothing was going on. All she knew was that she was ready for David to come home.

When she walked through the door that night, she thought at the very least she'd be comforted by all the things he left behind but it only made her need for him worse. So after a long shower she sat down with a glass of wine hoping to get some sleep, but one sip sent her chucking all over the floor.

More of the same. Turning up the heat next chapter. Reviews appreciated.