i was fighting,

but i just feel

too tired to

be fighting

.

guess i'm not

the fighting kind

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(a bad dream - keane)

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[LIFELINES]

chapter twenty-six: diminuendo

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Everything about her is warm.

She caresses my cheek and the quaking slightly subsides. My skin is still prickling with all these swarming insects, but knowing that she's holding me is enough. Knowing that she's here wards the thoughts away of ripping them off, along with my flesh.

Warm. Yes, she's warm.

I press up, leaning closer against her, appreciating the radiating heat from her body and the light pats on my back. How comfortable she makes me feel. How I want to be in Sora's arms forever. She may be warm, but I can't seem to retract her any of her heat.

I'm freezing.

My fingers are all pruny, whole body shrivelling, as we stand in the January weather. The wind is fierce and relentless as it thrashes and swirls around us, breaking through our clothing and immersing us in unforgivable coldness.

When Takashi strums the final chord, the last note withers and disintegrates into the air. I sink my chin into the woollen, grey scarf that's tied securely around my neck. I'm nowhere near warm. I'm cold from head to toe. I can't imagine how I even managed to strum the bass, especially when my fingers feel like popsicles. It's like I've been dipped into a swimming pool of icy water. A pool? No, we're by Tokyo Bay. Why am I thinking that we're near a pool?

Regardless, it's all Yutaka's fault.

He said that busking would help get us scouted; he never stated that it would quicken the process of us transforming into fucking snowmen. The keyboardist had to pick an area at Decks, outside in the open, right next to the bay. Did he forget that people don't tend to stay outside when it's winter? How are we to get scouted by a label when - ahh, Akira's giving him shit for it. Akira is pointing at Yutaka with his drumstick as he viciously spouts out a string of colourful swear words at his face. At least someone isn't letting Yutaka get away with making us busk in this terrible weather. I haven't known my seniors too long, so it's too early for me in the unspoken hierarchy to call any of them out yet. It's way too soon - especially when the band was formed less than half a year ago.

I start to carefully rest my guitar into its case. Half-squatting down, from the side of my vision I see a black long skirt and polished leather mary jane heels daintily head towards me. I smile, lifting my gaze to catch her face. Her long hair falls over her face when her body bumps into some guy walking by. She apologises under her breath, but the other person is narrowing his eyes and says something back to her that makes her face drop. I stare back at the guy and realise he's somebody who goes to our high school, probably a year younger than us. When he strides away, I send her a questionable look, but she looks back at me with a meek smile, like nothing had happened.

Abandoning the guitar, I step towards her and we meet half-way. "What did he say, Kaori?"

She shrugs. "It's nothing."

"Hmm…?" I respond, angling my chin and resting it over her head. Her arms wrap around my waist as she pulls me closer. She smells like paint and although I've been shivering up to this point, her close proximity is finally bringing some warmth into my body. "Don't lie. I know he said something."

I don't need to look into her eyes to know the irritated expression on her face that I'm not letting it slide.

"Fine," she grumbles. "He said that I'm a whore and should watch where I'm going."

What an asshole.

Stepping back from the embrace, I crane my neck and scout the area for the guy. "Where's that guy? I'm going to kill him."

"It's not a big deal, Yamato. I don't care about it. I'm used to the shit they say," Kaori brushes it away. "Ever since they found out about my mother's profession, it's something that happens daily."

"And you don't want to stop it?"

She shakes her head, making me frown.

Fine then. I'll hunt him down tomorrow at school and make him stop. I don't like that she's not at least trying to prevent it though. If somebody was continuously insulting me, I'd surely crack and probably give them a piece of my mind or my fist. Then again, this is Kaori. She doesn't like meddling into anything or involving herself in places she'd rather hide away from.

Like being here…

Kissing her cheek, I say, "I didn't think you'd make an appearance. How long have you been watching and waiting for me?"

"Since the first song," Kaori smiles.

"In this weather?"

"Yeah," she replies. "Which is why…"

She peels away, shifting her arm upwards so that the sleeve doesn't drape over the pocket. I look into it and notice a familiar brown styrofoam cup. Steam rises from it, freezing and disappearing once it connects to the air. She takes it out from her pocket and I see the word Godiva printed on the cup as she passes it to me. My hands are immediately cured. No longer are they popsicles. Just how Kaori managed to not drop the beverage while bumping into the guy earlier, or when she hugged me, is what you call amazing balancing skills.

Bringing the cup to my lips, I take a sip. Warm and sweet chocolate trickles down my throat. I hum happily as I keep drinking from it.

"Man, I must be the luckiest man alive. A pretty girl delivering me hot chocolate during catastrophic weather conditions? I might just marry you on the spot."

"Oh, shut up," she's blushing, long eyelashes covering her eyes as she looks downwards to avoid my eye contact.

"Why? Are you embarrassed?" I smirk, drawing her in. This time it's me who is initiating the embrace. It's perfect how she fits in my arms. How her cherry-coloured lips smile. How she's looking at me. How calm, how safe she makes me feel.

"Yo! Lovebirds! We're leaving now so quit making a scene and pack your shit up already, Yamato."

That's Akira. Bloody Akira. It's always Akira.

With my hand that's not holding the hot chocolate, I stick up my middle finger at Akira from behind Kaori's back. Kaori tries to shake away from the hug, but I will not let her. I hold her longer. I'm warm now, and I don't want to experience being cold ever again.

"Yamato!"

The voice sounds distance. It sounds like Akira. Or is it? I think that it's him calling me - and I don't want to deal with him. Right now, I don't want to deal with anybody other than Kaori. Only her. I want only her.

Don't let me go. Please don't go.

"-warned you already to stay away from her!"

"Taichi?"

Why is Taichi here? He's not meant to be here. He doesn't belong here. He left a long time ago. He doesn't want anything to do with me. He's disappointed in me, in my actions. He doesn't even want to acknowledge me anymore. So why...why? Is he here?

I'm trembling that rattles my body is uncontrollable. I rest on her lap. She's not surrounding me in an embrace. Half of my body feels warm, as long as she doesn't go. As long as she doesn't leave me. Please, don't leave me. I don't know if I'm crying or if my eyes are blurry. Where's Kaori? Where am I?

Two figures, two shadows hover over us. I can't piece all the imagery together, though I know who they are. My brother and my best friend. Two people I don't want to see. Two people that I can't let them see me — especially when I'm like this.

I want to escape. My lower limbs counter me, refusing to obey. I can't get up. Hands stroke my back, rubbing circles and it's then I glimpse auburn. Kaori's not here. It's Sora. She's been her all along, calming me down while we've been sprawled on the floor.

Kaori's the one who has left the living world; who is no longer breathing. And Sora...it's Sora - she's the one who is here right now, and she's very much alive. Her warmth tricked me. It resembles Kaori's, but it's much more permanent, much more alive - like fire. With hair like fire, a personality so lively, she's the redness, the heat in the dark. The contrast...the colour that stood out when everything had been dark, to remind me that there's not just only bad things in our world. That there are more chances in life, I'm willing to take. She's a fresh breath of air, she represents change and that it's all right to start over and over again.

Even though I'm so tired. Even though I don't want to anymore…

Taichi's shouting voice takes over, "He went too far. I know, alright?!"

I desperately want to flee. I tumble of guilt, and I'm so ashamed as to why she is not pushing me aside, and why she's still holding me. I fucked everything up and she hasn't turned a blind eye to me when I had fallen apart. She didn't turn on her heel and leave me. No. Instead, she stayed back, kept me company, and held onto me.

"He told me what he fucking did to you-"

Because I'm against her, I can feel the hesitation in her breath and how she had subtly tensed up. I can see where this is going.

Another voice overlaps Taichi's, "What did you do?"

My brother?.

It's getting clearer now. Everything has become more defined.

We're at a hotel in Ginza. Koushiro's birthday. The drugs in my jacket. The swimming pool. I had followed Sora. Fuck...and now, my younger brother is staring at me with formidable curiosity about the thing — the sin — that I don't want to think about the most.

Taichi reveals, "He forced her to have sex with him."

Take me back. Sink me into the depths of the ocean. I can't...not like this. I don't deserve to be above the waves. I should be buried alongside her. I should be the one in the grave, not Kaori. If I had gone away, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have hurt her. And Takeru, my brother...the fury in his eyes as he gazes at me - I can't stand this. So be it if they never talk to me, but I'd rather that than witness the rage and disappointment that is radiating from both him and Taichi.

"Yamato, is this true?" He waits for my response. I don't deliver one back. His tone raises as he growls at me, "Fucking say something!"

How can I? There's nothing to say. It's clear what I've done and even defending myself doesn't make sense on my behalf too. I did it. What Taichi said is true — and I regret it all.

Takeru redirects his attention to her instead, speaking gently, "Why didn't you tell me, Sora?"

It's tearing, searing, spreading inside me. My hands clasp into visits and my chest begin to feel strained and laboured. I wish so badly not to be here. I see heels click into the room. Another person. All these people, I want gone. I don't want to see. It's Mimi's voice. She's calling out for her Sora. Her heels don't amble further in, keeping her distance by the doorway.

"Can we not talk about this?" Sora breathes out, shakily. Seems like she doesn't want to remember what happened as much as I did. I don't blame her. I want to erase everything.

Taichi bellows, "Then get away from him now, Sora. He'll hurt you."

He's talking about me like I'm not here, like I'm toxic. But am I really here? This isn't a dream, but it definitely is a nightmare. Being with all these people in the same room at once. How long I've dreaded, avoided to be in this situation — and as I barely can glimpse around the room, they're all here, looking down at me like the disgrace I am.

"Why are you defending him, Sora?" Taichi asks her.

Did she? I blink, gazing up at her. The real question is why she's defending me. She's still at my side and hasn't budged an inch. She has refused to move despite Taichi's earlier warning.

Sora bristles, "It's not about taking sides, all right? Stop reprimanding him and look at him!"

My body is moving. Somebody is manoeuvring me, and Sora notes it too as she tries to push somebody off me. Similar blue eyes mirror back at mine. I have to look away because it's too intense, it hurts too much.

"What's with your arms onii-chan." His face sinks, "Again Yamato?"

Shit.

Takeru is bending down, peering at the state I'm in. He sees the freckles of red that scatter my body, the scabs, the bleeding, the scratching. All my attempts to get these insects out of my body. The insects that have sunken deep into my flesh and continue to contaminate my blood. My skin feels itchy again.

"Again what?" Taichi argues for clarification. "What-"

"They won't leave me alone!" I tremble. My nails are digging into my skin, trying to scrape them out. I need another hit to get rid of them. I've been left it too long without the drugs. I croak out, "These bugs, they keep following me."

"There are no bugs here, Yamato," somebody says.

"He's hallucinating." Another person.

"Get a hold of yourself, damn it!"

Their voices are getting distant again. That's good. Reality is harder to be in. That's why Kaori left. People are yelling around me, propelling me back and forth from reality and the sleeping, sedated state I long for. Even if I pass out, it's better than watching things unfold more. It's too much for me to take. The effort to breathe is hard enough.

I exhale out, "Takeru? Is that you?"

Or has he always been here? I don't know, but at least he's not looking at me with angry eyes anymore. He's frightened. My brother is scared? My head lolls to the side as he grasps onto — what feels like — my body. I feel extremely weak and limp.

He leaves my side, and I feel for Sora. She holds her hand into mine, squeezing it, reassuring me. It's gone when I hear patches of the conversation Takeru is having on the phone with somebody.

"Makoto sensei...I'll call Satou-san then. Yes, it's the best way. We're in a hotel in Ginza-"

"NO!"

I force myself up, stumbling on my own feet as I attempt to snatch the phone out of my brother's hands. I can't have any of them knowing what's going on I can't have any of them finding out how messed up I am, what I've done. I don't want anybody else to know. I can't have it-

Taichi is holding me back as I try to lash at him.

"Let me go," I hiss.

He's too strong. I'm no match for him. With Taichi's natural athleticism, he keeps me under his solid grip. It's now that I'm the most aware of the lack of energy I have, and the deteriorating state I had left my fragile an extensive period. He shoves me against the wall. "Stop it."

"Fuck you!" I try to slip from his grasp, but it's impossible as I keep struggling to get out of his hold.

I'm caged up. Trapped. Nobody is on my side. They're all against me. I feel betrayed. Makoto sensei and Satou-san knows my whereabouts, and soon Seiji-san will be filled in with the whole report. There are too many people in on my secret. I didn't want anybody know, and now I'm being held up, raw and exposed.

Another voice says my name. And again. Her eyes are directly meet mine, and I glimpse a mixture of guilt and warmth that dampens my panicked state. "Look...look at me."

Her fingers trace my cheeks, holding my face into the palm of her hand. Her eyes are warm, caring, kind and gentle. Why does she care? I still can't figure that out. But I trust her. She's one of those few people I trust. She might have shattered my trust when I had seen her with her ex, though somehow all that doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that she's here.

What's apparent is that I've missed her so much.

"Breathe in and out. That's right. In and out...it's fine. You'll be fine."

Taichi's stopped pressing me against the wall. My body is heavy as my feet give away, once again meeting on the floor. Arms tightly wrapping around my knees, I rock back and forth, wanting it all to end.

"I'm...I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I repeat it over and over again until my throat gets dry and raspy.

At some point Satou arrives. He says something about rehab and I freeze up, gripping Sora's arm.

My body is being manhandled by people I don't recognise. Everybody around me is slipping from my vision. The bathroom disappears and I'm greeted with an empty void of opaque.

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White and sterile.

This isn't a familiar place. This isn't home, nor am I at the studio.

Hushed whispers tickle my ears. Their distance is to me isn't close, nor are they very far. However, I can feel them breathing down my neck. The hairs on my skin stand, and the atmosphere is crisp, but I'm sure I'm indoors. A peculiar scent of chemicals hint at my senses. I can taste it on my lips.

"His vitals are stable." Muffled talking. "He's so handsome, and look what he's done to himself? It's a shame, isn't it? These young stars always seem to meet this type of fate."

"Right?" Bitter laughter.

"They're probably so bored that they don't know what to do with their money and fame. Don't they know how easy they've got it? All they want is attention. They never have to face real life problems, so they make their own trouble..."

Real life problems. If only I didn't have any of them. I close my eyes, eyelids heavy. I fall asleep only to be subtle woken up by screaming, arguing voices. A woman's voice. Somebody I know too well. Somebody I should just ignore…

"-tell me?" She violently screeches, "He's my son and you don't bother to contact me until the very last minute? ARE YOU CRAZY? I'm his darn mother!"

Yeah, she's always been batshit crazy. It's refreshing having her have a go at somebody else other than me. I must be dreaming up another nightmare. Her voice is booming, overlapping the steady beeping of monitors and a series of sounds that are vaguely familiar.

"There are patients here, Ms Takaishi. Could you please speak gently?" Satou-san.

"Easy for you to say!" mother retaliates. "If Takeru hadn't told me I wouldn't have known any of this! Why are you idiots first to know before I am? You aren't his family!"

A stranger speaks up, "Ms Takaishi, Mr Ishida didn't list you as his next of kin. Satou-san is."

"WHAT?"

That triggers the screaming more.

I sit up from where I've been lying. My head is pounding. My lips are dry, throat scorched. I need water. My fingers run through my oily hair, gripping tightly onto the strands in some insane way to eradicate the throbbing headache. There's no glass or bottle of water within reach. I stumble out of bed.

A plastic line tugs me back. I'm connected to something? I use a hand to trail where the line leads to. A machine. A fucking IV pump. This means I'm at a hospital. I hadn't dreamed of the chemicals, of the strong scent of alcohol rub, the nurses and doctors gossiping, the monitors beeping. It's the one place that I hate being the most. The place where I had witnessed my father getting sicker and sicker before he deteriorated to the afterlife.

My blood boils in anger, and the sensation of bile rises from my stomach. My hands cover my mouth as I try not to vomit, almost losing my balance in the process.

Somebody rushes to my side to prevent my fall.

I blink. "Seiji?"

My boss dips my arm over his shoulder as he guides be back to the bed. It's deja vu. Seiji has done this for me before. He's been there when shit had hit the fan; he had been helping me get it all back together when Kaori died. And, for old times sake, he's made another appearance in my life when everything has turned all to shit.

I tilt my head back on the pillow as he snatches a vomit bag from somewhere, holding it under my chin. I gag, but nothing comes out. It makes my eyes tear up though. God, how I hate this.

The IV pump beeps. Probably saying that there's a line occlusion because the fucking needle is poking at my arm. What a darn bitch. My bottom lip trembles as I memory flashes in my mind. I reach for the line and pull it out. Father's in ICU. His breathing is shallow. Tubes attached everywhere, face gaunt and pale. Ever since I didn't like to see any tubes, any medicine, medical machines, syringes, just fucking anything that reminds me of hospitals.

I shudder, pushing Seiji out of the way. More beeping. An alarm goes off, high-pitched and ringing in an irritating beat. If I can't get out of this place, I might as well detach myself from all this nonsense.

Without a second thought, I'm ripping the tape off from my arm. The IV line is out and thrown onto the floor. Blood seeps through the sheets, the blanket and onto my hospital gown. The blood is oozing from me now, not Kaori. Me? Well, that's great. It's about time.

"He's hyperventilating."

I'm bawling out loud, yelling, kicking them away from grabbing onto me. Hands appear out of nowhere, restraining me down. I'm battling them, everything. Mother's face appears in my vision, scared and confused. She reaches out, I hit her away. Her eyes clear up, turning instead to the medical staff and scolding, "What are you doing just standing there? My son is hyperventilating!"

No, I'm not. It's fine. I'm alright. It will be okay.

"Draw up that stat haloperidol now!" A doctor. It's not Jyou so I don't give a fuck. The doc barks another order, "Hotaru, put pressure onto his cubital fossa! If he won't stop moving, he'll bleed more."

There's a sharp jab on my arm. I seethe. They've injected me with something. My muscles are tense, before they soon slack off. The medication is invading me, affecting me for the worst. A flurry of more images. Seiji and Satou's worried faces. My mother...she's weeping. Why is she weeping? The question remains unanswered as a blanket of drowsiness overtakes me.

And reality fades once more.

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(a/n) Yes, another update. Haha. xD

A shorter chapter this time, but I've kept it short because I think it's already 'emotional enough' to be on its own. If you've read Bittersweet Catastrophe, this chapter marks even more new content from Yamato.

Again, thank you for reading.

I'll reply to reviews later tonight or tomorrow. Have a good week :)