A/N - You're probably wondering why I posted all these chapters. Well, I'm not so cruel to leave you all dreading the most hurtful ending for these two. At the end of this chapter, there is progress. Hope you enjoy!
x
"Ten gifts ain't so bad," Sam said on Christmas morning, sitting with his long legs folded near the tree. He threw a glance at his yawning brother devouring coffee by the map table and laughed. "Bet you only got one and the rest are all mine."
"Five each," Dean's voice was hoarse from sleep and crying into his pillow the night before. "I've counted already."
"Cheater."
"Bitch," the older Winchester jerked his chin at the gifts. "Go on and open yours before I claim all as mine."
"Jerk," Sam mumbled, reaching for the first one wrapped in shiny red gift paper. His eyes lit up after reading the tag. "Not bad for a first choice. This one's from Jody and Donna." Giving it a little shake, his eyes sparkled. "Man, I hope it ain't one of those ugly sweaters like last year."
"Yours had a badly embroidered moose on the front," Dean remembered. Resting down his coffee, he swallowed and tried to savor the bitter taste. "Mine had a squirrel munching on nuts and Ca—" quickly his eyes filled with tears.
Sam stopped unwrapping his gift and immediately turned to gaze at his brother with a saddened expression. After all this time, Dean was still holding on to the sound of the door opening. Every time his brother's phone rang, Sam literally watched Dean's green eyes light up from really hoping. From expecting something more. Anything.
"Hey, I love you, okay?" Sam tucked his gift under his right arm, untangled himself, stood up and slowly approached his brother. Wrapping his arms around Dean's form, Sam hugged him tightly. "You're the best big bro. Merry Christmas."
"Thanks, Sammy," the other man croaked, his eyes filling with tears. "Merry Christmas to you too. I love you, man."
"I'll always keep remembering how when we were kids, how you used to make Christmas day a special one for me. Always bringing in a tree of any size, and we would stay up making paper decorations. Then you would give me a gift every single Christmas morning for as long as I can remember."
"Sammy, don't," Dean teared up, reaching up to brush away the tears. "Come on, man. I'm already a mess."
"You're loved. By Jody, Donna, Alex, Claire, all the people whose lives you've saved. Don't ever feel like you're not worth it. Here," Sam handed over the half-unwrapped gift with a huge grin. "This is actually yours."
"You are unbelievable!" snatching the gift from his brother, Dean checked the tag and read his name as clear as day.
"Man, I was so close," Sam collected another gift and after reading 'To: Dean, From: Cas" on it, he swallowed hard. Then choosing to rest that one back under the small tree decorated with red and green shiny balls, he moved onto the other one from Alex to him.
Dean, however, was now holding up a handsome looking green and black plaid shirt, with short sleeves that perfectly matched his eyes that sparkled.
"At least it's better than the sweater from last year," Sam commented with a shrug. He tore open his gift from Alex and marveled over a Harry Potter themed scarf. "Perfect! Gryffindor all the way."
Rolling his eyes at the reference, Dean got up from sitting next to the table and lowered himself by his brother upon the floor. Then reaching for the same gift Sam had picked up earlier, he read the tag whilst his brother held his breath.
Silence at first. Dean gazed at the words for a long time before he decided to rest it gently by his side. And pulling another gift towards him, this time one that was wrapped in green, he discovered it was from Claire and decided to open it. When he pulled out a white teddy bear with blue eyes wearing a trench coat, Dean smiled warmly at Claire's gift. He loved it, absolutely adored it and after discovering that the bear had a small card attached to it, he pried it open:
To you, dad. For you to hug when my other dad who wears the trench isn't around to keep you warm. Love, your daughter, Claire.
Warmth. That's what he felt after rereading her message over and over again. After wondering how she could really see him as her dad. It was such a beautiful moment for Dean, and Sam, after realizing that his brother had grown silent for too long, he snatched the teddy bear, and perused the note. Then smiling at the message, he handed it back and patted Dean on his back.
"See how special you are? Here," Sam displayed a knife set with five different blades and instructions on how to use each one to kill any kind of monster. "You get a teddy bear whilst she sends me weapons. I feel the love, man."
After Dean's gift to his brother was pulled out from under the tree, he decided to find his own as well from his sibling. Both of them in turn, unwrapped their present and laughed over the choices.
Sam had bought his brother three things; a bottle of lube, a three pack deal on Irish Spring body wash and a pack of boxers with colors ranging from red to pink.
"Lube?" Dean's cheeks colored as he smiled at his brother. "Really, Sammy?"
"That obvious, huh?"
"Ya think?" Dean rolled his eyes. "Come on, open yours before I take it back for a refund."
When Sam pulled out a beautiful Kenneth Cole black banded watch with a silver face, he gasped. It was the same watch he had seen in a store whilst they were shopping in the mall and after staring at it for a long time, Sam had drifted off, leaving his thoughts of not having it behind. Now, to actually realize that Dean had been watching him all the time; he couldn't conceal the love and thanks he felt. Folding his brother into a hug, he ruffled his hair and annoyed the hell out of him before letting go. Then slipping it out of the box and putting it on, Sam felt so special, he beamed at Dean for a full minute.
"I feel the love," Sam said warmly. "I always do."
"Good, because I'm still hating you for this," Dean held up the bottle of lube. "I mean, really? Really, Sam? You could have just stuck to the Irish Spring and boxers, man. Not this."
"Might come in handy when Cas comes back," Sam shrugged, avoiding eye contact as he smiled. "The reunion between you two will be epic."
"I'm feeling eggnog," Dean completely changed the topic. He rummaged through the wrappings for a red bow and slowly began to pull the ribbons apart idly. "How about you?"
"And Christmas with the Kranks," Sam, nevertheless, didn't dwell on the sore topic that caused his brother some amount of discomfort. "And then National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation."
Dean smiled back warmly until the last two gifts left to unwrap belonged to someone who wasn't with them to share the best kind of moments. Now, he had no choice but to face the elephant in the room.
Without saying anything though, Sam tore open the gold colored paper and after pulling out an infuser water bottle, he laughed.
"I've always wanted one of these! Man, Cas," Sam lifted his eyes to the ceiling and smiled widely. "Wish you were here so I could say thank you in person. I really like my gift!"
Dean on the other hand was studying his brother with the kind of saddened look that was reminiscent of someone who wished for the same thing but couldn't quite admit his feelings out loud. And when he remembered the only unwrapped gift nestled close to his right thigh, he reached up, pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to gather composure.
He missed Cas. Oh God, how he yearned for someone who had walked out on him without even sticking around to listen to the truth. It felt like karma. He reacted sordidly to Cas withholding the fact that he still had his angel mojo and then Cas ran away from him after believing that he had really slept with Amanda. Now, every damn time Dean swung around by the bar, he slammed down on the gas and rode out of there in a jiffy. Nothing could ever break his heart further than the look of utter disappointment and hurt in those blue eyes when he pulled away from kissing a woman who had no intentions to sleep with him but just to part as friends.
"You gonna open that?" Sam's voice shoved its way through his brother's haunting memories.
Green eyes swum inside tears. "Um," Dean sucked in air through his teeth and after scrubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, he nodded. "Yeah, man, Why not."
His hands were nervy. His fingers trembling when he tucked the small red envelope under his thigh and continued to unwrap his gift from Cas. And it wasn't his first gift. Not really. For five Christmases prior, Cas had always given him something valuable. Last year, there was a back scratcher. The year before, Cas had actually found a chakra beads band supposed to keep the wearer calm and after some debate on whether to wear it, Dean had complied. Afterwards, it really helped him so much that he never took the damn thing off. Not even when he showered. And just as much as those gifts were precious, so were the comfy denim jacket, the white Snoopy teddy bear and the portable charging dock to keep his phone juiced on the road.
Now, when Dean pulled out two neatly folded t-shirts: a black with the word TIGER in yellow and a green with the words 'I'm Taken' in white on the front, he couldn't breathe.
At first, his smile had stretched across his face from the beautifully thoughtful gifts. But then when he connected the first t-shirt's choice to Cas' favorite song and he constantly kept hearing Cas singing to him in his gravely voice to 'teach me tiger, how to kiss you', Dean's eyes filled with tears. Then the second one…well that did it for him.
Dean excused himself, tucked the shirts under his arm and he literally rushed out of the war room on the verge of crying. Then safely locked inside his room, he crumbled behind the door, hugged his knees and emptied every single feeling of anger, of hurt and pain onto the knees of his faded blue jeans.
The thought of Cas really thinking that Dean had cheated on him was something that opened up the hunter's chest and ripped his heart out every single time he dwelled on the memories. Every single time he tried to forgive himself for ending up in a situation like that and then when he recalled the trauma felt afterwards, Dean couldn't come out of his room.
For the rest of the day, he cried and died a little more inside. He tried to pray to Cas, he really did. But then his voice had grown so hoarse from crying, there was nothing left. So instead, he crawled onto his bed, and slept until noon. Then later down in the night, he found Sam waiting for him in the leisure room, with eggnog and the two movies as promised ready to roll.
On Old Year's night, Sam actually dragged Dean to a local hangout spot where a bunch of friends had gathered to have a few drinks.
At first, Dean was hesitant to go, because as of late, he really ever wanted to stay concealed in the bunker whilst wallowing in his destruction. But Sam would not accept it.
Half an hour with his buddies Dave, Andrew, Ethan and Matt who had a weird resemblance to Ryan Reynolds, Sam was drunk as a fish. Dean sat closer to the window, savoring some Jameson Whisky and he kept marveling over his brother's intoxicated mood. The way he kept tossing back his locks, grinning like a fool. And his constant blabbering on how to open a tuna can with a rock or a pebble cracked Dean up so much, his mood lightened. Especially when Dave confessed that he always had a crush on Sam back in high school.
"My wife likes to call me Ryan Reynolds in bed," Matt said and a guffaw of laughter followed. He shrugged. "I mean, she's always had a thing for him so if I'm the next best, then so what?"
"Might make you put on a Deadpool costume," Sam raised his eyebrows.
"Been there, done that," Matt said, cracking up everyone further. "You know what's weird though? She cut a circle on the crotch of the costume so the only thing not covered is my balls in bed. During winter, it's a bitch."
The entire table laughed so hard, even Dean started to really enjoy himself.
"Andy wanted to come," Dave told Sam after a while. "I mean, he really did. But he's swamped in work and it gets hard for him during Christmas with retail and all. The store can't run itself when he's the manager."
"I feel you," Sam reached for his beer, took a sip and threw a glance at his brother. "Too bad Cas isn't here either."
"The to be brother-in-law," Dave nodded with a smile. "Ah, right," he smiled down the table at Dean who had suddenly begun to pick at his nails. "Did he stay home to rest up?"
"Cas is out on a…" Sam swallowed, head still swimming, "…trip. See, he's visiting a friend. And it's not like he didn't want to be here. It's just that he didn't make it back in time."
"Sounds like he has his priorities mixed up," Dave frowned. "Should have been here at least to welcome the new year with you." He offered a sympathetic look at the older Winchester. "If it's anything that makes sense these days, it's the little moments that count. Right now, I'm feeling like shit knowing Andy is working late tonight and he can't be here. I bet you feel the same."
Dean shrugged. "Look, I tip my hat to my brother for holding on to hope and what not. But truthfully, Cas and I…we're not…together anymore."
Everyone stared at him except Sam who refused to make eye contact as he tried to drown in his beer. Out of everyone in their lives, even when Jody and Donna and everyone else had been slammed with the hurtful news that Cas had left, Sam was the one who held on to hope. Whatever sliver there was to feed off of, Sam always believed that something had gone awry and there was just a small mix up that could be fixed in no time.
"Man, that sucks," Dave finally said in the softest tone. "Give it time. He was the first guy you were ever with, right?"
Dean inclined his head in approval. He picked up his glass, and lifted it with a smile. "Cheers to a damn good year behind us."
Everyone responded in unison, lifting their beers but Dave couldn't help but consider Dean with a saddened look. And when everyone left to find excitement in a few games of pools, he cornered the older Winchester and squeezed his arm.
"Look, it takes a while to bounce back from something so special," Dave said softly whilst Dean swallowed hard. "Chances are, wherever he is, he's thinking about you as much as you're thinking about him. I always give the first two months after a breakup as the waiting period. You keep waiting at least for something to happen. Something in the form of a call or an apology or you know, maybe a makeup but after two months, it's time to really let go. If they come back afterwards then fine. At least you held on."
"Thanks, man," Dean cleared his throat, and reached for the bottle of whisky. He poured a heavy shot and sighed. "I just wish that things didn't end the way it did."
"Well then, unfinished business always has a way of rising to the surface again. Hell, an ex I had about ten years ago came back to me the other day and apologized for leaving without a reason," Dave shrugged when their eyes met. "Took him ten goddamn years to do it. But he came around. My point is, if the guy has a conscience, he's going to come around and at least talk to you. If he doesn't come back, then you move on. It's hard but you keep going until you find someone else and then you keep going again."
The truth though, was that Dean didn't want to find someone else.
He simply couldn't. He couldn't even gaze into someone else's eyes and find the kind of peace and love and comfort he had felt in Cas' arms. The treasure of having so much warmth embodied in a person. No one else smelled like Cas did. No one hugged him without wanting to let go. Or gazed into his eyes and wrapped their souls into a hug. No one. And because he couldn't find that kind of connection that had been growing strong for a little over ten years, Dean was doomed for the moment.
Cas, on the other hand, had taken a guilty pleasure in casting his watchful eyes on Dean. Sitting in his white room with white sheets and no door, Cas' blue eyes would become vacant as he tapped into the profound bond between the two of them.
Oftentimes, he was completely blocked out from Dean's thoughts, simply because the hunter was in so much pain or felt so terribly empty, his mind could not piece itself together to be considered as fully stable. And in times like those when Cas could not reach Dean, could not thread lightly through the other man's thoughts, he feared the worst.
He automatically thought that perhaps Dean had been wounded. Or he had discovered that Cas was prying and ultimately made the decision to block him out completely.
Maybe Dean had inevitably realized that Cas wasn't enough and never would be enough and his decision to kiss someone else stemmed from a sense of feeling incomplete. Over and over again, Cas would keep trying to hold onto the color of Dean's eyes. The way Dean smiled at him. But gradually, those memories began to fade after a month and now, all he was left with was the occasional sound of Dean's voice inside his head.
"…Cas couldn't do it and he walked away so I just got to keep going and going and most days I don't even feel like I can because…."
When Dean's voice faded inside his head, Cas sat up straighter and for the first time in a long time, the wildest thought floated into his mind.
If he couldn't settle without knowing more, without seeing the man he still loved then maybe he could push a little further. Maybe he could find another avenue to seek out the presence of Dean, to gaze into his eyes and to talk to him. To engage him in conversation because Cas couldn't muster up the courage to face Dean completely. At that point, he had already figured out that what they had, was shattered and lying like pieces on the floor. What they had, had slipped away and their relationship had become so broken after so long, there was no way Dean even thought about him as a lover anymore.
Now though, Cas suddenly jumped into the most insane wave of thought that at first, he didn't even realize how bizarre the whole idea was. He couldn't think straight; literally. He really couldn't find himself, and after all that time, wallowing in self-pity and spending time in solace, Cas wanted to do something reckless. He wanted to feel again. To feel something other than emptiness and confusion and pain. And he wanted to find the reason, any kind of information on why Dean had let go of everything they had to jump into another person's bed.
It had been weeks, he was aware of that simple hurtful fact. Weeks where he could have slipped down onto earth and tried to decipher the whys but when one is simply drowning in the feel of their first heartbreak, nothing else matters. Nothing feels real anymore. Everything hurts. Physically, he had been in so much pain, Cas couldn't even sit up for days. And now that his celestial energy was still strong but aching to find peace in what had occurred to torment him, Cas did the one thing that even surprised himself.
With tears in his eyes, he sought out a female vessel on earth that was willing to accommodate him, and when he found one that was most suited, Cas didn't stop there. He further perused the earth for the one person who couldn't slip out of his mind. The one person who he loved endlessly although his heart had been ripped into two. His mind ran through places and was alarmingly surprised when he discovered that Dean's soul was sitting cramped up in a corner inside a bar.
When Cas suddenly appeared behind a group of people that were loudly arguing about a game of basketball, no one noticed. That is, until he realized that the vessel he was wearing was completely beautiful enough to stop the entire argument in its tracks and instantly, the men were pining over him. Did he want a drink? Would he sit with them? He had the loveliest shade of red hair. The kindest blue eyes. The sexiest slender body on a woman.
But none of their remarks, boisterous or deserving managed to penetrate his mind. Not even the fact that when he did manage to consider himself, Cas agreed that the vessel was delightfully gifted in all areas and exactly the kind of woman Dean would chase after. But even though he was so sure of himself, so certain of his actions and the way forward, Cas wasn't prepared to face the hunter after such a long time.
He stood there decked out in a red knee length dress with short sleeves and clutching a gold sequined purse in his hand, Cas swallowed hard.
Dean wasn't sitting by the table alone; he was accompanied by a bottle of Jameson whisky, a glass that was half empty and a plate of potato fries that were untouched.
The shirt he had slipped into was a purple and black plaid, long sleeved and instantly, Cas frowned. Dean never wore long sleeves. Perhaps he was cold. And because Cas thought of Dean possibly suffering from a cold or some kind of fever, he reflexively took two steps closer to the table, still a million miles of distance between them. And yet, Cas was drowning.
He was drowning because he couldn't even peel his eyes away from the most handsome man on earth to even consider Sam enjoying a game of pools with his friends. He was quite aware that his best friend was alive and well, and certain of this because they had been keeping contact on and off since. But nothing else mattered except Dean Winchester.
From the way he sat in one attitude for over ten minutes. Elbow propped on the table, face pensive and brooding. Those emerald eyes were fixated on the lip of his glass. His thumb was slowly caressing the lip as if he couldn't dissolve the thoughts rushing through his mind.
Thoughts of what? Of him?
As much as Cas tried to swim into Dean's mind, he was blocked. And because he was shut out, Cas felt that in that moment, maybe Dean had learned to lock him out. Maybe Dean had realized that Cas had been prying and he had mastered the art of boxing his thoughts up. He could have accomplished it easily; Dean. By simply willing it. By placing all the anger he probably felt into sealing his mind off.
This made Cas feel so wounded and angry, that he purposely gathered enough courage and sauntered over to the table on five-inch heels.
At first, when his space was invaded, Dean couldn't process the intrusion. Instead, he merely tried to blink back the tears from coming forth, and quickly, the hunter cleared his mind. When he discovered that a very attractive woman had decided to seek him out with a scowl on her face, Dean was impressed but somewhat irritated. Firstly, he wasn't in the mood to accommodate any kind of female company. Secondly, he had been guiltily reminiscing on the first time he had ever kissed Cas; by the edge of a cliff in Sioux Falls, with Cas wedged between his aching body and Baby. Now the presence of someone else kind of vaporized that beautiful memory.
"You're stunning and all, but I'm really not interested," he said in the kindest tone ever. "Um," glancing around, he shrugged. "If you like, my brother's friend Ethan is looking for a nice girl. Maybe I could introduce you two. He's an engineer." Dean winked.
Cas, on the other hand, raised his eyebrows and felt the softest flutter inside his chest. Dean had turned the opportunity down in the most gentlemanlike way ever. And this alone wrapped Cas inside a warm blanket, knowing that he had fallen in love with a very kind man who would go out of his way to match a pretty woman up with a friend of his.
"I'm really not interested in anyone else but you," Cas tried teasingly, drowning in those emerald eyes though. "You're far more handsome than anyone else in the room." He was being truthful and after realizing the worth behind his words, Cas felt even more wounded.
"Well," Dean smiled and shrugged. He picked up his glass and sipped. "What can I say? Thanks. I'm an interesting guy but believe me, you're just wasting your time here."
"I'm a very attractive woman," Cas pushed on, wondering why the hell he was trying to prove a point when this was the most hurtful situation he had ever been in. "You're telling me that you wouldn't like to take me somewhere so that we could know each other a little more?"
Smoothly though, Dean licked his lips and nodded. His expression stiffened. "Look, I really don't know you that well so I can't say anything about the person you are. But what I'm going to admit is that you're gorgeous. And you wouldn't have a hard time getting any single guy around here. Me though…" Dean's voice softened as he avoided eye contact, "I'm…kind of still into someone at the moment."
Cas' heart melted. He swallowed. Dean was really turning the opportunity down.
"You're in love?" Cas tried, this time, trying to make his voice sound firmer when he was breaking down inside.
Dean nodded. "Um, call me crazy but I'm one of those guys who has found that one person that no one else can compare to. And because of that, I really can't think of anyone else the way I think about…this person. So maybe you could be a very nice woman. Who knows? But right now, all I can offer you is small talk and possibly a beer or…whisky, if you like." Dean gestured at the bottle.
Cas, inclined to conceal his identity as if the blaring truth was written on his head, nodded. When Dean clicked his fingers at the waitress to fetch another glass, those blue eyes latched onto green ones and wouldn't divert. At first, the two of them merely stared at each other until a gaze was enacted. And then, after moving close to a minute with the intention of prying and trying to discover what was the red head's full intentions, Dean suddenly felt something so close to lightening streaking across his heart, his chest heaved. And he blinked too fast.
"You…what did you say your name was?" he asked honestly.
Cas, choked on the answer. "I didn't say. I'm Cassandra." And when the name slipped out of his mouth, he hated himself for being so damn naïve. Because instantly, Dean's eyes widened.
"That's a…nice name," the hunter's voice had fallen low as he was carefully scrutinizing Cas' vessel. "Where are you from, Cassandra?"
"Um," Cas dramatically made an attempt to tuck a few red strands of hair behind an ear as if teasing. "I'm from New York. Just visiting family. My brother and his wife live not too far from here. I always come during the holidays to spend time with them. It's kind of a tradition."
Slightly convinced that perhaps nothing was awry, Dean nodded and offered a sympathetic look. "Family comes first. Doesn't always mean that you got to be blood related but me and my brother, we're inseparable."
"Oh," shyly, Cas tried to avoid the urge to drown in the hunter's eyes and the sound of his voice. "So you're in love with this person then?"
Dean at first offered a distant look and then he blinked. "Head over heels. Smitten, if you'd like to call it that. Dammit, I probably sound so corny right now."
"Not really. It's believable."
"It's like, I've never done this before," Dean was suddenly smiling.
"Done what?" Cas asked, frowning now.
"Open up so easily to a complete stranger. About…being in love," Dean remarked in a light tone, "I'm not careful anymore because I've never felt like this like ever, in my life. And the more I keep feeling like this, the more I realize that when I will have to face reality, then I might be cut down too short to recover and—"
"Oh my god! Dean? Hi!" came quite a familiar voice into their space, that for a few seconds, neither of them seemed to process the intrusion until Dean's eyes lit up.
"Amanda?" he awkwardly stood up and hugged the flouncy woman, now a brunette, awkwardly. "Damn, what are you doing here?" She was decked out in a short red dress, enough cleavage to cushion anyone's aching heart and the brightest shade of lipstick to match her clutch purse.
"Am I interrupting something?" she asked, smiling down at the red headed woman who suddenly appeared so upset, Cas' blue eyes were on fire.
"No, not at all, this…" Dean sat down, poured a shot of whisky and handed it over to Cas, "is Cassandra. We just met. Actually, we were just talking. Nothing else."
"I'm not trying to be nosy, silly," Amanda nudged Dean's arm as she beamed at the woman seated across the table. For some odd reason, she got the feeling that the red head didn't like her at all. "I was just wondering if you really moved on after you know who. And so fast? Come on, Dean."
"Um, to be honest, I haven't," Dean pointed out whilst shooting Cas a sympathetic look as if apologizing for Amanda's intrusion. "I was just telling her… " he gestured at the red head, "that I'm still smitten when you showed up."
"Yay me!" Amanda hugged herself and peered over at the other woman. "He swings for the other team though," she purposely said with a wink.
"Come on, man," Dean scowled, "not cool, outing me like that. Besides, I don't consider it like that at all. It's different."
"So, there's this guy that he's totally in love with, right?" Amanda was bursting with energy as usual as she made herself at home beside Dean. "And I swear, there's no one else that could ever get him to even be remotely interested. Can I tell her the story?" she threw a glance at Dean who shrugged.
"Sure, why not jump into it since you're halfway there already?" Dean settled back into the chair and shook his head.
There was something strange about the red head though. Something Dean couldn't quite put his finger on. Maybe it was her eyes. The exact shade of blue that belonged to Cas or maybe it was the manner in which she sat; rigid. But then, maybe he was growing paranoid, seeing Castiel in someone else when it was the most ridiculous thought of all.
"Dean and I met inside a bar and he was drunk as a fish when I tried to lure him," Amanda was saying, all enthusiastic about the story. And Cas was holding his breath, wondering how in the world fate could be so astonishing to bring the one person who had contributed to his demise in the picture. "When I did get him upstairs, and I was taking off his clothes, he asked me to stop. So of course, I was like why? Then I kept doing it anyway because hello! Hot guy, in my bed. I'm going to so screw him, right?"
Cas, on the other hand, had fisted his small hands under the table. He really didn't want to sit there and listen to the story. To the details of how Dean slept with someone else. But Amanda kept going on and on as if there was no off switch to her disgusting lamentations.
"He couldn't get it up," she was saying, her eyes wide as saucers. "Imagine, you have him in your bed and then he just can't do it –"
"Man," Dean groaned, rubbed his eyes and sighed. "You're embarrassing me. Skip to the part where I am not naked."
"He couldn't get it up and we didn't sleep together because he kept talking about this person. This guy. Cas. Over and over again, he kept telling me that he loves Cas. And Cas is his life. And Cas this and Cas that," Amanda sighed. "Then he fell asleep crying over someone who I thought was a woman. Next morning, when he told me that Cas was actually a dude, I really felt bad because I'm honestly telling you, this guy," she gestured at Dean by her side, "is so in love with Cas, he couldn't even give it up for one night out of guilty pleasure. And you know how most guys are. They jump into it. I mean look at me, I'm hot as fuck but Dean never even touched me."
"That is admirable," Cas managed to say stiffly.
Sighing, Dean threw a glance at the other woman across the table: Cassandra. And he shook his head. "Sorry about this," he admitted in a soft tone. "Bet you didn't come over here to hear my life story."
However, Cas was slowly being eaten by a feeling of complete shame that he couldn't even provide an answer. Dean, had admitted to this woman that he was in love with a man; him. At that point in time, after they had argued and Cas hadn't showed up for a while, Dean really still never let go of what he felt. He held on to that feeling, even with a naked woman in front of him. And what else kind of proof did Cas really need after confirming the truth for himself when he had waltzed over and Dean had turned him down?
Now, as Amanda explained that the kiss was nothing more than two friends parting on good terms, Cas' eyes filled with tears.
"Did you ever find him?" Amanda asked Dean, frowning. "Cas. Did he ever come back? Did he ever like, call or text or show up?"
When Dean's chest heaved and he shook his head, Cas' heart cracked even more. "Guess he gave up after he saw us kissing. I tried to call him many times since. Never picked up. I tried praying. That never works. Now, I'm just here completely loving someone who left me without giving me a chance to explain."
"Love sucks," Amanda cradled her face on her palm and sighed.
"Tell me about it, people keep asking me to get over him. But how can you get over someone that taught you the real meaning of love? Someone that showed you everything that felt like love? Someone who…I don't know…proved to me that I can be loved no matter how fucked up I am?"
"And that's really why you keep drinking whisky and hoping," Amanda said. "I just don't understand how he could be so selfish to not even give you a chance to explain. Like who does that? He must have been hurt even before he ran away. Or he probably lied to you about how he felt. Like, he really never loved you because if he did, he wouldn't have left and never come back."
Dean sighed. He sipped his whisky. "Seems so more and more each day. Said I meant the world to him but how can you say that to me and then leave."
"You still got the ring?" Amanda asked all of a sudden. "Don't give me that look! I found the ring in his jacket when I was busy trying to tear off his clothes," she beamed at Cas. "Can you imagine that?"
Dean froze up for a few seconds. Then letting out a long sigh, he gave in, reached into the pocket of his jacket and fished out a small box shaped like a heart.
Cas was dumbfounded. His entire body simply cramped up so much that he stopped breathing.
"So you still walk with it everywhere you go? You're such a softie," Amanda said smiling. "If he shows up now, do you honestly think that you could propose to him? After what happened?"
Dean licked his lips, thought about it as he fingered the small red box. "I guess we would talk things through first. That much I owe him since I'm not completely innocent. I mean, I've screwed up plenty. So, we would have to vent until maybe he decides to take me back."
"Take you back? Dude, he left you!" Amanda was surprised. "What makes you feel like you should give him that much power over you?"
"Because he has that much power over me," Dean admitted in a broken voice, he cleared his throat. "He always has. Cas could yell, fight me, hate me, and I would still love him. Even after all this time, whatever happened between us, man, I just can't let him go. I'm mad at him for walking out yeah, but if I could get him back, I wouldn't ever let him go. Like ever. So this ring here…" Dean gazed at the velvet box and smiled. "I take it everywhere because it gives me hope. Knowing that if he does show up again, I will be reminded that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and no one else."
"And if he doesn't come back?" Cas found his voice to ask, although he was dying inside. "The man you love. If he doesn't come back to you?"
Dean, for a long time held their gaze. "If he doesn't come back, then I'll keep on hoping."
"So you mean to tell me," Amanda tossed her hair back and couldn't quite believe it, "that you're going to spend the rest of your life pining after one guy, staying single for one guy whilst there are plenty others out there?"
"Seems fair, don't it?" Dean simply replied. He pushed the small red box into the pocket of his jacket. "Hell, he waited ten years to have me. I should at least wait ten years more to call it quits."
"Damn," Amanda was so impressed, she snatched the bottle of Jameson Whisky and drank heavily from it.
Suddenly, springing up from the table, Cas almost miss-averaged his five-inch heels and after gathering his balance, he disappeared into the crowd. Only after escaping did he safely lett go of a waterfall of tears when he was locked out in the alleyway behind the bar. And then, and only then did he realize how he had screwed up terribly by running away and giving up so quickly.
Now, he returned to Heaven with such a heavy heart, Cas curled up on the floor and he wept. He cried because of how he had terribly misunderstood Dean when he was supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt. He cried because he couldn't have been more selfish after promising that he wouldn't leave and then doing exactly that. He collapsed because he couldn't only keep blaming himself even though he wasn't to be blamed fully. Even though Dean had done stupid things and had yelled at him, had judged him because of one small secret.
And sitting at the table whilst Amanda babbled on and on, Dean could have honestly sworn that he had just been gazing into a familiar pair of blue eyes. Because he could never ever forget that distinct shade. The way those blue eyes grew stormy or could be lit by a thousand fires. The expression on Cassandra's face when he lamented on his love for Cas. She looked…hopeful and the wounded. But why would a complete stranger appear so wounded? Why would Cassandra seem so intrigued by the story and then afterwards, rush away?
Maybe it was a figment of his imagination but Dean really believed that Cas had been sitting opposite him for a little over half and hour. And because he felt like that was the truth, Dean, for the first time in his life, felt a sliver of anger towards Cas because if Cas really had chosen to use another vessel to come sit with him face to face, then that was unjust and painful. To know that Cas couldn't even come down from his pedestal to talk, and he had to use a disguise to do so. Cas had never been a coward. Never. Now if he had chosen to come under false pretenses to Dean, whilst Dean was still pining over him, it was hurtful.
Very hurtful.