A Hearts Journey

For InuKag Week 2018, the story started out for day 2 Reflections but it kinda grew to have all the prompts except AU mixed in :)

"S-She's… gone…" the young Hanyou hangs his head and just stares at the old well, this magical portal that had brought her into their lives, that allowed them to cross the very span of time and space was closed off now... 'Maybe she'll come back…' a pattering of droplets hit the soil around his feet. For almost two hundred years he had been alive, and aside from the fifty he was frozen from, had lived all on his own by his own devises and now... This long journey they took together, even though in the relative frame of life it had been less than 2 years, meant so much more than all the years that preceded it. He was happier… and most of all he hadn't been lonely anymore…

He trembles and grits his teeth as he hides his face in his hands, his white bangs shielding his eyes from the empty space beside him. Kagome, who was sent here against her will but by fate had touched so many lives, human or demon it didn't matter what they were, she almost always saw the good sides. Miroku was now free of his curse, Sango could finally move on, and even Kikyo will be at peace but what about them? At long last, Inuyasha had found the happiness that he never thought he would ever achieve because of Kagome and she, well, she had also found her inner strength and the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with… But now that the Shikon jewel was purified and the battle between miko and demon, good and evil was over. "S-she's… gone…"

Those standing silently behind him hear a low wailing howl as Inuyasha's legs lose all strength and he drops to his knees. Resting his head against the side of the well he cries, for the first time uncaring who sees, irrepressible and soul shattering tears, beating his fists against the worn stone of its sides and shaking uncontrollably, all the conflicting sentiments bubbling within hit at once. He lets loose a guttural roar of ire at his fears, of the loss and the pain, of the loneliness threatening to consume him. Memories of the passion and excitement that her courage would bring out produce resounding growls only to be replaced by a lamenting howl dying in his throat as he is reminded of the warmth she would bring to his heart but now… his body trembles… only the cold was left in her wake. He falls to his side curling into a ball with his arms wrapped tightly around his knees. Memories of abandonment creep back into his mind, how many times as a small child would he assume this position, curled in some tree or anywhere he could get away from his pursuers. It wasn't her fault, he desperately reminds himself though the sobs. Purifying the jewel had been the right answer to save them but that solace didn't make it any easier.

None of his friends even tried to convince him otherwise as they all knew it was best to leave him be; Inuyasha needed to grieve in his own time and own way. They all hoped that they'd see Kagome again, at least once to thank her for what she had done for them. So, in their own ways, prayers and well wishes were uttered as they solemnly returned to the village.

But what was his fault, and the most painful realization of all as he laid there, being only at the end did he finally get to kiss her. It really had never entered his mind that one day, someday she may not be by his side and so had taken it all for granted. Inuyasha tightens the ball he has made of himself. He had so many chances to tell Kagome how he felt, so many opportunities to show her how much he had fallen for her and yet he had squandered it all in his confusion, only managing that one, brief, kiss... 'Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!' Only one taste of her lips, one final inhale of her scent before they were torn apart…

Kagome had made it obvious for so long how much she cared for him. Everyone told him but why was he so stupid not to listen, to not give in? Why had it been so hard to be as affectionate with her as he had given to Kikyo? Growling at himself. He could have had so many more memories, so many more moments with her to treasure. And how many times had he hurt her?! How many times had he broken her heart when he went for Kikyo, 'Baka!' How many times had she walked away upset and yet always, always came back; even after Kikyo had tried to kill her. Kagome had pushed past her own pain, could have given in to jealousy and didn't, could have hated him with all the fury of a woman scorned, and yet she gave him chance after chance because she loved him. 'Inuyasha you idiot!' The sharp pain in his heart only growing…

Kikyo had been his past and he had wasted his present on her when he should have been more focused on Kagome. 'I'm such a fool!' The tears have become torrents down his cheeks. 'Why didn't I realize it sooner!' Even when things were dire, when he knew she could have doubted him, Kagome had never, ever wavered in her trust, no matter how angry, even while under a spell; and yet Kikyo had… Even those times when the demon in him took over and killing him could have been the answer to stop his rage, she didn't hesitate to find another way, no killing him was the last resort in Kagome's mind not the first no matter the crime; yet Kikyo didn't hesitate to shoot… In that revelation… Kagome and he were born for each other, tethered by an unseen string of fate, yet meant for each other, not he and Kikyo… 'But maybe I don't deserve either of them… Maybe Kagome would be better off with someone who could show her the affection she deserved, not an idiot like me…' Part of him wished they had never finished the quest to find all the jewel pieces because she'd still be here with him but that was selfish.

'No! Kagome is still my future! Somehow, some way I'll see her again…' one can wish.

As night fell that first evening without her, Inuyasha curled up near the well unable to bring himself to leave it; it was after all his link to her. "Goodnight Kagome…"

Night turned to day and back to night, but he refused to move from his vigil. One by one his friends would stop by to check on him. Are you okay? Are you hungry? I can bring you something to eat… If they were lucky they'd get a no, but most of the time he just grunted or said nothing at all. Kaede even tried to reach him, Kagome wouldn't want him to stay here alone she said… But nothing worked, and he refused to budge an inch still hoping that somehow, she'd come climbing up the vines again and he'd be waiting to pull her out.

A week has passed by for the man, or maybe two… he didn't know and didn't care for he felt alone in his grief and her scent fading from his robes only adding to his misery. Soon all that he would have left are his memories. Even as the New Moon approached that evening, a time when he would be left unprotected he remained at the well. His depression was all too consuming at this point and if someone or something took his life that night, part of him wished for the reprieve, to come and end his suffering…

He could smell that Miroku, Sango, Shippo, and even Koga were in the vicinity that night probably to make sure no one disturbed him. Their sincerity brought both a feeling of warmth to his heart that they cared so much about him, even his rival, but at the same time only added to his despair; they still had each other… he was alone again. 'But you're not alone anymore…' His breath hitches as her voice echoes in his head. 'Yes, I am! You're not by my side anymore!' The human Inuyasha clings to the beads around his neck as he falls into another restless dream.

"Inuyasha?"

Opening his eyes to the glare of another morning, "What do want Shippo?" His voice raspy from a fitful sleep, he pushes away the blanket that someone had placed over him through the night.

"H-here…"

He turns over to see the little fox child holding something out to him. "What is that?"

"I once told Kagome I got sad when she would go back to her world, so she gave me this." Inuyasha sits up and takes hold of the photograph. "I miss her too, but I want you to have it."

He looks at the little tyke who has tears in his eyes, "Shippo…" He knows they all cared for Kagome and this picture must have been treasured by his friend. "I-I can't…"

"Just keep it Inuyasha." he manages a fake smile. "If I need to see her face I'll ask you to look at it but… you need this more than I do."

"Shippo…" shock registers on the fox as Inuyasha scoops him up in a hug. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Shippo squeaks out before Inuyasha puts him back down. "Whenever you're ready, we are all setting up homes for ourselves in the village… We have one for you too."

"I don't think…" Inuyasha looks to the ground, "I'm ready yet to leave here..."

"We understand. Just don't let this destroy you okay? Kagome wouldn't want you to be so sad." Inuyasha just nods as he fights back the tears. "I'll see you later Yash."

Watching Shippo bound off towards the village, Inuyasha holds the picture in his lap. It is a photo of Kagome in her school uniform smiling for the, what did she call it, a camera? In his visits to her world he had seen many of these photo things and she had even taken a picture of him just once. He chuckles at the memory. They were in her room with Sota one night and he was waiting for her to finish her studies. To keep him occupied the young boy was showing him books with pictures in them, of their family, some with her friends, and that was also the first time he saw what her dad looked like. When he asked what magic, they used to get these pictures Sota took out a little box looking thing he called a camera explaining that it was what 'took' the photo and then it was printed out at a place called a photo shop. What was the point of these he had asked. Well, they explained, so you had something to look at later. Of course, the next logical thing to happen was Kagome asked if she could take a picture of him, so she had something to remember him by. At first, he refused, this was all so weird to him and as far as he was concerned she was always going to be with him anyways so why would she need this picture, but after some pleading and an agreement to be in the photo too, Sota took the picture of them. He knows she had it printed and kept it on her desk. He sighs, and puts the photo in his robe, 'Now I understand why they make these…. I'll need to find a way to keep that thing safe, maybe have it sealed or enchanted somehow so it's not damaged…'

He lays down on the grass but this time on his back with his arms under his head and just stares at the passing clouds. 'I wonder what she's doing now? Is she thinking about me too? Like I'm thinking of her…' A light breeze wafts by as if answering his question. He closes his eyes, remembering a moment after they had just obtained Tetsusaiga and before Shippo had come into their lives… They had been travelling for a couple of days in search of more fragments and needed a break. So, on a beautiful day just like this one with a light breeze and clouds floating lazily above they relaxed in an open field. He was lying just as he was now and she beside him talking about something he couldn't remember, maybe her upcoming tests, maybe about the clouds, who knew. Eventually she had fallen asleep and rolled over on her side facing him. At first, he was uncomfortable being so close to her but soon his guard came down and he remembers thinking she looked cute while she slept. When she shivered a little from the wind he pulled her against his body to keep her warm. Sigh, she had snuggled to him… 'I miss that…'

Although he'd refused to admit to anyone even himself, at some point his feelings for Kagome had changed. No longer just an irritation in his quest towards becoming a full Yokai but something more… It was a split in his heart yes, but somehow the girl had weaving her way in deeper than Kikyo had ever managed to and it was only because of some misplaced loyalty to his first love or maybe guilt that kept him from making the full leap. But at what point had his fall started? Inuyasha thinks back… A desire to protect her started earlier, yes that was almost from the beginning, no it was the… He opens his eyes and smiles, "Kumogashira…" When he saw her tears and she had made that leap to save him without fear for her own well-being, in that moment, he realized this girl was special. She had cried for him, no one had ever risked their lives for him before not even Kikyo but this girl who barely knew him already cared so much not to hesitate in defense of his life… and that she cried for him. It touched him and that was also the first time he allowed anyone, especially a human to see his vulnerable side. Sigh, 'It had felt good resting in her lap, her beautiful energy and her scent soothing me to sleep…'

Jealousy followed so easily from that point, oh how angry he became when Miroku grabbed her ass and tried to flirt with her. Hojo, that one was just a minor player, and of course there was Koga, 'Keh, that one just wouldn't give up!' Going so far as to claiming her as his woman and wanting to fight Inuyasha constantly for her affections. He had even said he loved her! Hell, every time they ran into that devolved mutt, Koga would try to touch her and use all that fancy talk! He would get so furious when Kagome defended Koga and yet… He frowns, 'How often did I upset her over defending Kikyo, after she tried to kill Kagome, after she stole the Shikon fragment and gave it to Naraku… It didn't matter that Kikyo claimed to be doing it to save me, it put Kagome at risk, and Kikyo wanted Kagome dead at that time…' Sigh, 'I was no better than Koga… No… I was worse than Koga! My blind stupidity for Kikyo put Kagome in danger too often than I want to admit…'

Inuyasha rolls back onto his side as the tears pool once more. "Kagome please forgive me for all the pain I put you through…" he whispers into the breeze, hoping it would somehow find her…

It has been almost 2 months since he lost Kagome and while the first couple of weeks were almost unbearable, the warmth of his friends and the kindness of the villagers have made the last few semi-tolerable. Not to say it was easy but he managed to trudge through the days on his own two feet however begrudgingly.

Just as Shippo had told him, they had set up a little hut for him in the village near theirs. This was the first 'home' he had had since his mother's death, having roamed the country all his life and he had to admit it was a comforting gesture of all of them. The little house had been set up with the basic amenities any person would need, futon, cooking stove, etcetera, but no home would ever be complete for him without her to share it with. Kaede had even collected things of Kagome's that had been left behind, her bow and arrow, a spare outfit, even an unopened package of Ninja snacks and had them placed in the hut. With her help, he had even found a way to preserve the picture against decay and any other methods that could destroy it, including fire while still being able to carry it everywhere with him.

During the day, he was often kept busy with his friends doing jobs around the village or looking after Rin who began to affectionately call him Oji Inu. The young girl who had opened his brothers heart grew on him greatly in that short amount of time and he made it his duty to make sure she was always protected. In fact, that little girl reminded him so much of Kagome, sweet and respectful, yet strong and fearless.

Sometimes he would picture what it would be like to have children of his own with Kagome. Would they be more like him or more like her? I little daughter with white hair and Kagome's features would thrill him… Oh, how he'd probably spoil her rotten. 'I'll be the father I never had…' he smiles. Or maybe a son with black hair like his mom but his father's golden eyes. A handsome little prince… Someday… one day, he'll have a family and until then, he'll remain untouched for her. But in the mean-time he will cherish the adopted family she had given him.

At night after everyone has gone to bed, it was very lonely for the young man. Sometimes Shippo or Rin would stay in his hut, but most nights were spent alone, and he would often end up beneath the Goshinboku where he and Kagome first encountered each other. If he was lucky he would fall into a dreamless slumber or at least one with pleasant memories of Kagome, but on other nights he would be restless and plagued by the what-ifs of their relationship, or worse nightmares brought on by his fears that he may never see her again. Each time he would awaken from one of these more terrible episodes, he would rub the beads of his necklace. Ironically, what started as a means to subjugate him, the Kotodama no Nenju became one of his most soothing of antidotes.

"Gah!" 'Has it really been over a year already?' Later that evening in his hut, Inuyasha sits reflecting on a few of his brother's last words during his visit to Rin. Apparently, the elder had heard of the not so smooth mission he and Miroku had attempted a few weeks back. It had been the first time since Kagome being gone that the hanyo had relented at partaking in with the monk and as much as he hates to admit it, Sesshomaru was right. Rushing into situations without care or concern had been a trademark of his, easily exploited by some of the more smarter evils they had encountered, which in this case it had once again, but while Kagome had been around, she could pull him back when necessary. How he had survived without her for the first couple hundred years almost seemed like a miracle at this point but to survive without her, that now fell back on his own shoulders.

He stares at her picture. 'I need to become the man she needs me to be… she can still be that guiding voice in my head… and my heart.'

With her picture settled in his lap, he closes his eyes in deep concentration focusing on her warmth and strength as an anchor for his soul. It was always his need to protect her that would bring out his greatest strengths, both physically and mentally and if he could just channel those emotions when he needed them or wanted them, it would become the key to activating his abilities at will. 'I have faith in you Inuyasha…' her voice calls from over the din of time and space. He breathes out a sigh… 'I've always trusted in you…' …and his heart warms again. Everything that she was for him, everything she had taught him about his self in their time together, and everything they'll be again someday will be the fuel to keep him going. 'Do you remember Inuyasha… when you battled Ryuukossei, and fought your own inner demons from taking control? I had faith, even when the others felt we should run… and you did it; you won on both battlefronts.' "Kagome…" The name wisps over his lips as a smile forms. 'I'll never give up on you Inuyasha…' "Kagome…" he breathes out again but with a focus in his tone, the rising and falling of his chest evening to a slow and steady rhythm. 'You are so much stronger than you realize…' "Kago...me…" the essence of his yoki pulse like the beat of a heart and surround him like a cloak. It's such a different feeling from any of the other times his yokai blood had pulsed within him; the young man feels at peace. 'I'll be with you always, Inuyasha…' "And I with you Kagome…"

If there is one lesson that he should take away from Kagome's influence, it is that keeping a positive attitude is much more powerful than a negative one. He chuckles at the notion. 'She was the angel and I the demon… yet we are perfect for each other… How crazy is that?' Regardless, it was that hallowed ability that saved them in the end.

Laying on his back with his arms behind his head and eyes closed, he allows the ideas to flow through; good or bad, it was necessary. 'Tch, Naraku said Kikyo lost her miko abilities because she fell in love with me, a demon, but that can't be true… I'm sure of that now! Kagome grew stronger because of that love. Our love…' a smile forms on his lips. 'Never imagined I'd truly say those words in my lifetime.' A relationship that grew from a seed, or in this case a jewel, slowly taking root in their hearts, until what they were left with was a solid, enduring tree like the Goshinboku. 'And one that will stand the tests of time!'

Ah but it wasn't just her love that brought him to the place he was now, there are others whose paths had crossed in this quest that played their roles. Miroku… the perverted monk with a heart of gold. Sango, the warrior princess of honor and humility. Even Shippo, the little fox tyke whose very nature is of laughter and curiosity… With heart-wrenching pasts that drove them, regardless their class and characters shined through and all but helped to shape the man he has become. 'I must never forget that…' he sighs. And they'll continue to provide his training for the near future. 'Miroku can help me in my concentration skills, while Sango will keep me on my toes.' Chuckling, 'Even Shippo will help me relax and lighten up.' Pausing for a moment to reflect, '…I have a family now…' Albeit a dysfunctional one at times but still a family nonetheless and all thanks to a magical jewel and a selfless young girl from the future…

It had been 2 years since Kagome had left them, and on the anniversary of that date, Inuyasha found himself camped out beside the old well. Kaede, who had a feeling this was where she could find the young Hanyo, walked up at an unhurried pace and sat next to him. She reaches out and takes one of his hands, "I don't try to make light of the things you have suffered to get here, but there is something I do want you to remember. You've died in a way twice, and each time brought back because of love so your life is not something you should ever take for granted."

Cocking his head to the side, "I don't understand that part, because of love?"

"Your father brought you back because he loved you. Kagome and your resurrection, was due to the love shared in your souls whether you knew it at the time or not, it brought you back to fulfill that destiny set by the Gods." She releases his hands.

"Huh…" Inuyasha sits back absorbing what he has learned so far. 'Because of love… Come to think of it, I never did try to understand how I was resurrected in the first place. I believed Kikyo intended for my death, and that I had died when she shot me with the arrow through my heart… yet when I woke up, it was like I had just been asleep the whole time. Was I actually dead? How did Kagome bring me back? She didn't even know who or what I was…' He remembers waking to her rubbing his ears. '…and she didn't know she had powers either, so she didn't perform any spells…' Looking towards the ground, "I never understood how Kagome brought me back to life." Turning to look at the old miko, "Do you really think it was because of a connection between us?"

"You were dead, for all intents and purposes Inuyasha, maybe not a corpse but you were locked away by Kikyo's arrow and the curse she had placed upon on it and that curse could only be broken by her… and so essentially Kagome as the reincarnation of Kikyo. Do you understand reincarnation?" He shakes his head. "Souls travel through time, resting in one body until that being's time is up and then it moves on to be reborn again in another. Through each journey that soul changes or adapts to the new form it is given, it may not harbor the exact same traits as it did before but there will be similarities. That is why Kagome is not exactly like Kikyo yet they share the powers that have followed that soul through the ages."

"That would mean Kikyo did love me…"

"Did you ever doubt that fact?"

"Sometimes, yes."

"Her love was not the same as Kagome's love for you. Because of her training, she did not know how to truly feel affection for another and was also weakened by it because she doubted herself."

"Naraku said it was my fault, that she was losing her powers because she had fallen in love with a yokai. I, I believed that for a long time but when I saw how strong Kagome became, how could it have been true? I told myself Naraku was just saying that to hurt me… Even though I do remember her growing weaker…"

She chuckles, "Kikyo did not lose her powers because she fell in love with you, she grew weaker because of the doubt and internal turmoil it brought to her mind and the Shinkon no Tama fed upon those negative energies and sent it back out. As you learned in the end, anyone in care of it would feel those effects weighing upon them and it was only their own lifeforce that could keep it at bay; in the end Kikyo was too weak to fight it. Now, Kagome on the other hand had no doubts and no matter how many instances came upon her that could have pushed her towards malice she never gave in to them so the Shinkon no Tama could not corrupt her. Then, once she resigned herself to the fact she was in love with you, those positive emotions gave her more strengths instead of weaknesses. So, in many ways, Kagome was much stronger than Kikyo."

"That I believe… Kagome was able to destroy the jewel, something Kikyo ultimately couldn't do. And maybe now I understand why she wasn't able to." Sigh. "I guess it makes me feel better to know it wasn't all my fault for her failings, but I still wish I could have helped her…"

"There you go again Inuyasha, stop trying to place blame upon yourself. Frankly you were in no position to help anyone spiritually or mentally at that time so that means it was up to her to find the resolve to do it for herself. In the end, we are responsible for our own choices and actions." Placing her hand on his shoulder, "put the past in the past young one, do not let it destroy how far you've come, and don't lose hope." She looks up and closes her eyes as a breeze brushes by them, "Something tells this old soul you will see Kagome again…"

His nose tilts to the sky, sniffing a light stream of air flowing through the valley. "What is it Inuyasha?" the hoshi looks up from his tasks. "Is it a Yokai?"

But without a response the hanyo dashes towards the forest, following the familiar scent. He knows exactly where it's coming from, but could it really be? So many lonely years had passed by, so many heart wrenching dream laden nights that tortured him until he really didn't think he'd see her again. Even now, certain this was her scent those fears threatened to pierce his soul once more. 'It's it her!' he screams in his head, chanting the mantra over and over, with each step he takes closer to the well.

He reaches in and takes hold of the warm hand of his love… she was home…