AN: So, I guess I blame life in general. I don't know what happened, updating just took time. I did finally get a job, starting on Monday, which spurred me to get off my butt and write again. Unfortunately that means I'll have a lot on my plate the coming weeks at least, before I get back into the habit off working full time.
As usual, I haven't betaed this as I should. I'm aware of that. This is meant to be written for fun though, and I once promised myself not to get hung up on getting it perfect, so here we are. I also feel a little bad about being so behind on answering reviews, but I still mean to do it. Just don't hold your breaths waiting, okay? I'll get to it though, sometime. That much I can promise.
Before I let you get on with reading I just want you to know: I love you!
"Hey!" Hermione swipes at Kakashi's hand much too late. "What was that?"
The temptation of the question is undeniable, and the irritation in Hermione's voice only a for show. "This?" Kakashi asks her, aiming for her upper arm this time. He checks his speed enough for it to be considered normal, and this time she's attentive enough to stop the attack. Almost.
"No, don't do it again, that's not…"
"I believe it's called a poke," Kakashi says before she can finish, cocking his head slightly and smiling blandly. Honestly, she's too easy to rile up for her own good. Eyes narrow at Kakashi.
"I know that, smart ass," she says, like it's Kakashi's fault she didn't ask for what she wants to know. "Why are you poking me?" The question makes Kakashi pause. Because he's known that it was leading here, but now that it has, he's not sure he should have let it. Plan B wasn't meant to lead straight into plan C, which is why they have different letters.
Cowardice, however, was never something he used to see in himself. He shrugs. Makes sure to keep nonchalance in both movements and voice. "It seemed worth a try."
The slant of Hermione's eyes changes, and after so much time together Kakashi knows what it means. "Did it now?" she questions; a dog with a bone if Kakashi's ever seen one. Well, it's his own damn fault, isn't it? He clearly needs to get better at devising strategies for these kind of confrontations.
"Yes," he tells her, keeping his tone unimpressed. Which is, on the whole, his dominating feeling about all of this anyway. That and exasperation. And inadequateness. "You're not listening to me," Kakashi continues, "so I'm trying a new approach."
"Operant conditioning? Seriously?" Hermione's laughing now. Still. There's no doubt the atmosphere in the kitchen is about to be too thick for it soon enough. "Besides, I am listening, what haven't I listened to?"
It's impossible to keep his eyebrows level when faced with such blatant ignorance. Kakashi doesn't even try. If she had listened, even the tenth time, he wouldn't have devised a plan B. The problem with intelligent beings is they apparently call you out on your conditioning; these things are much easier with genins.
"Oh, but come on." Hermione crosses her arms over her chest and leans back against the counter, dishes forgotten. "I know you're not sticking around out of politeness. That's not what I said, was it?" Her stare has grown hard, and there's a stiffness to her jawline. "Still, I've got to be allowed to apologize when I'm being an obnoxious know-it-all. Which I am, sometimes."
True to plan B, Kakashi drives his index finger into her deltoid. Hermione throws her hands up but it's not in surrender. If she'd been Sakura, this would have been the time for a tactical retreat. "No fair." Hermione's eyebrows twitch together, forming a vertical canyon between them. "What are you even punishing me for now? Telling the truth?" Before Kakashi can poke her again she swats his hand away.
She could walk away now, Kakashi thinks, but he doesn't believe she will. Curiosity is a powerful thing, especially in Hermione. Still, there's no need to escalate this into an unnecessary fight. Taking a step back he holds his hands out low, palms toward her. Kakashi's chest is tightening. Not seconds ago they were having fun, and now it's this. He's gotten better at this, he has, but he's not good at it. And now the situation is a fuming engine about to blow, and he needs to slow it down. It's far from the ideal conditions for plan C, he definitely went about this in the wrong way, but it's all he has.
"Why?" Kakashi makes sure to soften his tone. Not a lot, but enough to show he doesn't want to fight. "Why would you say that about yourself?" Which is the million ryō question that he can't manage to wrap his head around. Couldn't when they first met and still can't now, and nothing he says seems to matter. "You're smart enough to know it's not true."
Hermione folds her arms in front of her again, her jaw set and her eyes not leaving Kakashi's. In his mind he can't help but see Naruto, twelve years old and completely impossible to talk any kind of sense into. "Or," she says, "I'm smart enough to know that it is?" Something changes in her face as she says it, but Kakashi can't pinpoint what it is or how it translates. She doesn't sound anything like Naruto, is a combination of hard-set and weary that Kakashi's not used to hearing in her. "I know myself, okay. There's no need to pretend. I'm aware of my strengths, and my weaknesses."
That's bullshit, or they wouldn't be having this conversation, but Kakashi can hardly say that. "Then pray tell;" he says instead, his dry mouth rubbing off on his tone, "what are they?
In front of him, Hermione's mouth opens. Closes again. She looks away. "Okay," she says. As if pushing her like this is any kind of okay. Only the choice isn't better, Kakashi knows that. He's heard her tear herself down enough to last a lifetime. At first, he hated it because he had no idea how to respond; for how it made him feel. Now, he hates it because he can't stop thinking about how it must make her feel. Which is way worse.
"I'm intelligent," Hermione starts out, "I'm good at organizing and planning stuff, I help out when I can." Worthy things, Kakashi thinks, useful, but not what he'd have chosen. The parallels to his and Jón's discussions about Kakashi's value are impossible to escape, and it's not until he sees it in someone else that Kakashi starts to understand some of the points made back then. "I also meddle," Hermione continues. "A lot. I'm pushy and demanding. Overbearing. Definitely a know-it-all. Do I have to go on?" She swallows, turned away so far Kakashi can't read her face properly. Not that he needs to.
Kakashi's never known himself to be the kind of person who wants to reach out to people. He's gotten used to Hermione, having her close, touching, hugging, giving and receiving comfort, but that's different. This is different. Like he has to physically restrain himself from closing the distance. And it would be easy, wouldn't it? Just pull her into a hug and let the conversation slip away and be gone. She does look like she could need it. Only, it would sort of defy the point, and having come this far he might as well go with plan C to the end of it.
"And you think you're being all those things with me?" He asks, stuffing his hands down in his pockets. The long run is what matters here, and that will need more than hugs.
"I try not to," Hermione says. The sheen in her eyes is enough to put a lump in Kakashi's throat. "I do, but it's impossible to stop being me, and I… I'm sor-" Kakashi can't make himself reach out, doesn't trust his hands to return to his pockets after touching her, so he raises an eyebrow instead. Hermione falls silent.
Breathe, Kakashi tells himself, you can do this. He's already put it into words. Has thought it through. Somewhat. He might not have meant to put plan C into motion, but he can do this. "I don't think you've been meddling," he starts. Slowly. His mouth feels like he's breathing ash. "I think you've cared. And yes, you can be authoritative, but I can't see how that'd be a bad thing, not when you have no problem leaving me in charge when that's more reasonable."
Kakashi forces himself not to look away, not even when twin tears escape Hermione's eyes and roll down her cheeks. If he could stand up after Obito, and again after Rin, and again after Kushina and Minato. If he could lead tens of thousands of shinobi into war. If he could watch Obito die for him a second time. Then he can do this.
.oOo.
Hermione pinches herself in the side, under her arm so Kakashi can't see her doing it. It grounds her, and while using self-inflicted pain for that might be a slippery slope, it's at least effective. Not that it helps with the tears. She should be listening better, she thinks, she wants to remember this. But Kakashi's words float together and the whole world feels out of focus. The meaning, however, gets through. The translations.
The difference between meddling and caring; bossy and driven; obnoxious know-it-all and intellectual; control-freak and responsible; is in the words used. One trait, two words, and Kakashi doesn't say it quite like that, but Hermione hears it none the less. It's in his every argument. In the way he says she's being unreasonable and waves away her objection of years of accumulated evidence with a simple, "if they're insecure, that's their problem, not yours."
"You done yet?" Hermione asks him when there's been a few seconds of silence. His face is blurry behind her tears, but she catches him cocking his head and shrugging. "You owe me a hug then," she says, "for making me cry." There's too much to think about at the moment, too much to process. She'll get there, eventually, bring out her book and write it all down, but for now a hug would be better.
Kakashi scoffs and raises an eyebrow even as he pulls his hands from his pockets. "It's hardly my fault you're crying because you are stupid," he tells her. To stick her tongue out to him in the moments before the hug is a instinctive response. Maybe not mature, but definitely earned. "And don't for a second think I won't poke you the next time you're an idiot." Hermione no longer knows if she's laughing or crying, but it hardly matters.
It's crazy, she thinks, that this is the same guy who she had to drag words out of. Sure, Kakashi had showed himself to be an interesting conversation partner long ago, but this is different. Personal. Emotional even, and Hermione's not sure when that happened. He pulls her close firmly enough that Hermione's momentarily worried he's forgotten his strength. He hasn't, of course, she's even theoretically certain he never will when it comes to her. Like this, pressed up against Kakashi, borrowing the rhythm of his breathing and resting her head on his shoulder, Hermione begins to settle. She's still lightheaded, but the pressure around her chest is externalized. Kakashi's been cooking and smells like frying grease on the surface, but the mix of smells that's him is right underneath it. It's calming.
The head that's been resting against Hermione's shifts. "You know," Kakashi says, speaking into her hair, "that a group of people saying the Earth is flat doesn't make it so. I remember you ranting about it at length. This isn't any different."
His reasoning falls on its inherent incongruity. This might be the point where Hermione should break up the hug, but she doesn't feel like looking him in the eyes while speaking. Neither does she want to see what's displayed on his face. "But it is," Hermione tells him, "there are facts to prove the world is a sphere. The way someone's perceived is by definition ruled by opinion." Kakashi sighs, inaudible but obvious.
"Sure, but have you made any actual research on what people think of you," Kakashi says, tapping a finger against her shoulder, "or have you only listened to the loud ones?"
Hermione has no idea how to answer. On one hand, Ron and her mother are both loud and outspoken, and her less charming traits are a standing joke among her Hogwarts friends. On the other, she's aware there's such a thing as negativity bias, and that jokes are sometimes only that. In a way Hermione wants to cry, but right now she predominantly feels drained. There's just not enough of her online to do much of anything right in this moment. Her hard drive's busy trying to rearrange files to find a place for this new information, all requests are temporarily denied.
In just ten days they're leaving for England. Hermione hates it. She doesn't want to lose him, especially now. Two months after she found him in the sheep shed, he's finally himself again. More than that given this conversation, and it feels unfair. They should get more time; there's still things she wants to talk about. She needs to let this conversation sink in and then revisit the topic. To come to terms with what his words can actually mean. Yet in less than three weeks he'll be halfway around the world, taking on a job he doesn't want and might not be ready for. Not to be mistaken; Hermione thinks he's far more ready than he used to be, but that's a crappy comparison given the state of him when they met.
The thing is, she's not sure she's ready to be left on her own again either.
.oOo.
Kakashi's discovered he likes horses. They're kind and calm – at least the ones Ingo lets them handle – searching his pockets with careful muzzles to see if he's got any snacks with him this time. He hasn't, but they still stick around, allowing Hermione and him to slip halters over their heads and lead them out of the pen. These two, Silfri and Fála, they're allowed to ride without supervision and it's the best balancing exercise Kakashi's found since he got here. Especially if he leaves the saddle at home. Hermione doesn't seem very fond of that idea, but then again, she'd probably hurt herself if she fell off. It must be exhausting being a civilian.
"Are you cheating?" Hermione asks him as they pass Heimstaðir. She's winded, having hung on to her saddle as they tried some trotting. Or she did trotting, Kakashi's been trying to figure out the tolt thing. He's getting there, possibly. It's hard to tell.
"I don't cheat," he tells her, twisting around to watch her and Fála behind him. As long as they're on the road they have to walk in a line. "Just because I have a skillset you lack that doesn't make it cheating." The buckle of the helmet rasps against the soft skin under his chin. Him wearing it feels ridiculous, not to mention what it does to his hair, but he can't exactly tell Ingo his skull can take far more than a little tumble off a horse. There's no way that'd go over well.
If Kakashi happens to turn back to the front before Hermione has the chance to do any impolite gesturing, that's a complete coincidence. "You know what I mean," she says, her tone an impolite gesture of its own.
"A moment or two," Kakashi admits to placate her, "but I do have an excellent sense of balance. It's really an insult that you believe I have to use chakra to stay seated." He's had to turn around again to make himself heard over the wind, allowing him to see Hermione shake her head. Hanging his head in mock misery Kakashi hides his face as he focuses back on his own horse and spurs it on. Behind him Hermione makes a sound that's equal parts annoyed and amused.
Okay, now: Heavy seat. Legs firmly around, applying gentle pressure. Meet up with reins. Lift head up. Don't forget the seat. And suddenly there is a change in Silfri's gait, not that Kakashi can tell exactly what kind. The muscles under him works differently, higher somehow, and he moves to pat the grey neck below his hands. Which makes him lose it. Of course. It's a victory either way, and by the sound of Hermione squealing behind him it's high time to slow down to a walk before she falls off.
"It's totally unfair you know," she calls out, "it's not that easy."
Laughing is safe here, there's no way she can reach far enough to swat at him.
In the last few weeks, Kakashi has realised his view of her has changed. Not that it was a static thing before, but it's like he's finally learnt to walk without looking where he puts his feet. Since way before he got sent on this bullshit mission, Kakashi's been focused on surviving. Day to day. Second to second. Not that he hasn't cared about others while doing it, but there hasn't been much left of him to spare. Over the last months Hermione's wormed her way under his skin and become important. For his own sake, and for hers. But it's not until now, when he finally begins to feel a little less like he's drowning, that some pieces can really click into place for him. Others have in contrast become jarring with the way they float loosely in his mind.
A few days ago, he managed to make sense of a corner of a picture, and he's not sure he likes seeing it. Nor does he know what he's meant to do about it. If she'd been anyone else, he'd have offered to find the ones who taught her that self-view and teach them a lesson. Only, he has a feeling Hermione would be scandalized if he so much as breathed anything along that line. And honestly, he isn't one for revenge either way; that path never leads anywhere good. It's just nice to occasionally entertain it as a theoretical possibility.
There's also that whole thing where she freaked out when he'd gotten a massage. Kakashi's not stupid, he knows that "too intimate" meant "anywhere, even the smallest bit, resembling sex." It's not a problem that affects him or their relationship, per se, but it's a concern. For her. Because something happened, and Hermione telling him no one hurt her sort of makes Kakashi believe someone did. Just like someone taught her to use negative words to describe herself. Not that he can ask. Not when he's getting the feeling that – whatever the complication is – it's her Rin. And he's not talking about what happened with Rin. Ever. There are some lines that aren't meant to be crossed. What he can do instead is be mindful about being dressed, and make sure to use colourful language rather than wordless sounds when she finds the spots in his back that make his arms tingle. So far they haven't had a repeat of her freak-out, so he guesses he's doing okay.
They reach the point where they can turn off the road and head over a field towards the river. "Gallop?" Hermione says, but it's not really a question as she's already spurred Fála on and is passing him. Kakashi lets Silfri go as well, holds on with his knees and a steady grip of light grey mane. When they were first introduced to the horses Hermione had laughed, claiming that Silfri and Kakashi were an obvious match. It was a hard case to argue, and he does like this horse. Even if he's somewhat copied the Hatake trademark hair.
Kakashi only needs to use a small amount of chakra to stay seated for the bumpy part of slowing down. It's barely nothing really. Can't be called cheating at all.
Wisps of hair is escaping Hermione's braid as they let the horses fall into step next to each other on the riverbank. Her wide eyes and huge grin speak of the good kind of adrenaline rush. Galloping doesn't even come close to giving Kakashi the same – not when something mundane like travelling on foot between tree branches is both faster and higher up – but the uncontrollable element of the horse makes it fun anyway.
Seeing her like this makes Kakashi wish he'd still have the sharingan. Not for fighting this time. Nor for protection. He misses it for the one thing he never appreciated while having it: The perfect recollection. He wants to keep the memory of Hermione like this, windswept and happy, laughing, right there next to him. Wishes he could remember it with the clarity of everything he did seen through the sharingan. That he could get to keep it as an antidote to the death. To the way Rin's face looked as she stepped in his path. He wrenches his thoughts away from that direction. No need to go there.
The soft warmth filling Kakashi is becoming tainted by a hollowness in his chest he dares to name now. Sorrow. He looks out across the valley; the mountains stretching up on their sides, the wide grey skies that goes on forever, the dark water of the river below. Five days until Kakashi will be waving goodbye to Iceland from an aeroplane window. Fifteen days until he'll be leaving Hermione behind as well. Seventeen days until he can use jutsus and channel chakra again, and that's a bleak comfort but it's something. That and his friends at home.
In front of him Silfri tosses his head, impatient to pick up the speed again most likely. "I'll miss this," he tells Hermione.
She scratches the brown fur on Fála's neck before looking up to respond. "Me too," she says. Her smile is fading.
"Maa, you'll be back soon." Kakashi knows that's not how she means but can't help wanting to hear her answer.
Hermione's lips are thin as she speaks. "It won't be the same."
Nothing will, Kakashi suspects, too much has happened since he came here.
Silence falls, heavy but not uncomfortable. The wind thugs at Kakashi's jacket and plays with Silfri's mane. A single raindrop hits Kakashi. By now he's learnt that doesn't mean anything in particular here, not like at home where it'd be the first of a downpour.
"Will you be okay going back?" Hermione doesn't mention the becoming-Hokage-part, but Kakashi knows what she's asking. He entertains the idea of laying down over Silfri's neck for a little while but is unsure if the horse will be reasonable about it. Decides against trying and shrugs.
"I'll manage," he tells her. Glancing over Kakashi catches her gaze for a moment before looking away again.
"Not really what I asked." Hermione's tone is one step away from being a question. On any other subject it could be taken as teasing. Or sass, but that's basically the same thing.
Kakashi knows what she asked, he's not stupid, but… "I don't know," he tells her. He's been avoiding think about it too much. Thinking won't change anything. It's not like he has a choice either way. "It doesn't matter," he says out loud. "It's happening. I'll live."
"Wow," a smile can be heard in Hermione's voice, "you have really high hopes for life, don't you?" Kakashi turns to her so she can see him raise an eyebrow.
"I think survival is essential for life, but maybe that's just me?" He keeps his tone dry, perfectly content to pretend this is a random subject of little value.
"Essential? Yes. Which sort of means you're meant to want more than to stay alive." Hermione sticks her tongue out at him, and Kakashi has no doubt she'd try to hit him if they weren't on horseback. "Have I taught you nothing?"
"You've taught me that much." It slips out in a split second of inattentiveness. Kakashi watches Hermione's mouth open, then close. Shit. This was a perfectly acceptable light teasing conversation they had managed despite the atmosphere, and he had to go and ruin it. He's sure he's told Hermione as much before, but that doesn't mean she was expecting it thrown at her like that. "What about you?" he deflects before she can come up with an answer. "What's your plan for after this?"
The short struggle as she chooses which comment to answer is clearly visible on Hermione's face. "I don't know," she finally says, "I try not to think about it. It freaks me out." She catches her lower lip between her teeth and stares out in front of her. Kakashi definitely killed their chance at a lighter mood. It's lucky that the horses don't need much guidance with where to put their feet, allowing him to focus on the conversation.
Staying silent, Kakashi has learnt, is an effective way to get Hermione to give him answers. He feels a little bad, because obviously his choice of distraction was a bit of a sore object, and he should have guessed that. Not much to do about it now though.
"Everyone I know is in the magical world, but I'll never be fully at home there." Hermione looks forward, eyes drawn together. She shakes her head. "It's like I'm in this tiny role, carved out after twelve-year-old me, that can never change. It's suffocating." A breath interrupts her speech, but she's picking up speed none the less. If she was seated somewhere besides on a horse, Kakashi's sure she'd be gesturing by now. "They've all already decided who I am and what that means. And I've tried to change, I have, but I'm not sure it'll ever matter with them. It's like they keep me where I am, and I don't want people simply sticking around out of habit. I want to be somewhere where I don't have to feel like I'm endured. Where I don't have to wonder if I'm kept around simply because of politeness or practicalities."
In the short pause Hermione makes, Kakashi feels the pain of the last comment as if it were his own. Worse than that even. Because he was always first and foremost a shinobi, with missions to focus on and teams to work with. If that was everything in his life; well, it did make him a great ninja, didn't it? He could always lean back on that. But what does Hermione have to lean back on?
"Only I can never be completely honest with non-magicals," Hermione continues before Kakashi can finish his train of thought, "and I have to keep the lies straight, and it's exhausting. So I just don't know, because I have two worlds to choose from but I can't really be me in either of them."
Hermione's face is turned away enough that it's impossible to read. Kakashi has no doubt the angle's intentional. He wishes he'd have any idea how to explain to her what he's thinking. But he can't even put words to it in his own mind. "Do you have to choose?" he says instead. "Couldn't you be in both?" It's insensitive and not at all what he wants to convey.
"Sure," Hermione says, an edge to her voice that's dulled by some kind of weariness, "but I'd have to make one the primary one. I imagine myself with a family one day, you know. A house and a steady job. And I'd want those to be in the same world. Not that it seems likely to happen anytime soon, given I'm a complete fuck-up, but I need to make my choice at one point or another. Why not now? Also; the magical world has some rather insular beliefs when it comes to the non-magical world. If I straddle the fence between them, I'll be forever defending my position on one end, and lying about it on the other."
It's impossible to imagine what that's like. There's a rift between shinobi and civilian, sure, but people cross it all the time. Civilians choosing shinobi life, clan members opting for civilian careers, retired ninja, shinobi who never went far beyond the academy and are now serving the village in other ways than fighting. Kakashi himself might be firmly set on the shinobi side, but it's a scale, not a fence.
"You find the people who matters," he tells her. No matter how lost he is about everything else, he knows that much. "The once who can keep up with you, who doesn't use you, and who appreciates you. Not the censored version. You. And you stick with them. Whichever world they belong in."
"Yeah?" Hermione glances at Kakashi. There's a strain around her eyes and mouth, and her tone is a challenge. "You make that sound easy." Fála chooses that moment to make an awkward step down a hole and Hermione sways precariously. Luckily, Kakashi is a trained Anbu, he can refrain from grinning.
"I think," he says slowly, searching for words, "that sometimes you realise they were there all along." Like Gai in his stupid spandex, proving how thin the line can be between rivalry and friendship. Kakashi never thought he'd miss him as much as he does. "Other times," he continues with a wide smile and a dry tone, "they just show up and refuse to go away. No matter how much you mess up." It draws the smallest of smiles out of Hermione. A win if Kakashi ever saw one.
"Sounds annoying," Hermione says.
"At first," Kakashi nods seriously, "but they sort of grow on you. Before you know it, they're nestled into everything. A bit like weed actually."
"I'm not talking to you anymore, you're rude." Hermione's tone is at odds with her words, and it eases something in Kakashi. He did alright with this. Right? "Let's trot," Hermione continues. "You go first, or you'll just be laughing at me."
"I wouldn't dare," Kakashi says. They both know it's not true. He's aware, however, that she feels safer with someone in front of her and he can't deny her that. Not even for a good laugh.
Driving Silfri forward, Kakashi does his best to keep him in tolt. He's still unsure whether he gets it or not.
AN: I don't know, I feel like this should have went on for a bit longer, but it didn't. I'm not very happy with that, but well, it is what it is. I imagine this to be the last chapter in Iceland as well, but if you find it too awkward I might add a paragraph or three ;)
As usual, I'm happy to hear what you think!
PS: With this chapter we're over 100 000 words of actual contents. Yay! *doing celebratory dance*