Chapter 33
"You can't be serious!" Mary Poppins yells, waking up. She is lying next to Bert, in the cot, in a nightgown.
Bert is still sleeping, arm draped over Mary's chest. He's wearing pyjamas, sheet rising periodically over his mouth as he saws logs. His eyes jerk open when he hears Mary's voice. "What's wrong now?" he asks sheepishly.
"You took advantage of me!" Mary Poppins claims, jumping to her feet. Glancing down at herself, she groans. "I swore I would never do this again! Look at me, I'm a mess! How can I possibly be practically perfect in every way in this condition?"
"Now wait just a minute," Bert says, rising. "We took advantage of each other, Mary Poppins. It was cold in here and well…."
"Well?" Mary demands to know, hands on her hips.
"Well, as you always say, anything can happen if you let it," Bert replies.
"Good Lord, I'm on The Love Boat," Mary mutters.
"No, this is The Monte Carlo," Peon Reba Frost says from the doorway. Again she is dressed in a swim suit. Glancing at the bed, she goes: "I see you had a fun night, but there can be no more hanky panky. It can interfere with your plunge into the stream. One of you may not travel as fast as the other. We don't want anyone holding anyone else back, do we? There are many rocks in the water. Who knows which of you will be better at navigating the barriers to Cloud Nine."
"Cloud Nine? What's that?" Mary Poppins asks.
"You don't know? Of course you don't. Well, put your swim suits on. I brought one for each of you, and a robe. I'll tell you on the way to breakfast." Peon Frost hands them each a blue bathing suit and a grey robe.
Mary eyes the outfit distastefully. "I'm Mary Poppins, the Mary Poppins. You expect me to wear this?"
"Of course. All Ascendents must be dressed appropriately for their swim upstream to higher understanding," Peon Frost answers, sweeping her hand through the air.
"I understand that I'm going to look stupid, like him," Mary mutters, eyeing Bert. He has already come out of the bathroom, dressed in his suit and robe.
"Ah, come on, Mary Poppins. It might be fun. Open different doors and you may find a you that you never knew was yours, remember?" he says.
Bert looks skinny and pale in his swimsuit, but Mary can't deny his charming enthusiasm. "I suppose it can't hurt to try." She enters the bathroom to get dressed.
Moments later they are following Peon Frost down the hallway. "Are we going to Cloud Nine?" Mary asks naively.
"No, we're going to breakfast," Peon Frost answers, laughing. "We're on Deck Flounder, the first deck. It's the initiation deck, where you will be assessed by Senior Ascendants who will determine your suitability for our Order. They will observe your skills and determine the best path to your ideal deck."
"Ideal deck?" Bert asks, confused.
"Yes, there are nine decks in total. The ninth deck is called Cloud Nine. So far no one has been able to reach it other than Daemon Redo and our Prophet, Vevok Joz. Vevok Joe lives on Cloud Nine permanently, where he communes with Lord Zugon about important things. Daemon Redo was only there for a week before he fell out of favour with our Lord and Master and returned to Deck Eight. He said Cloud Nine was amazing and he can't wait to get back there. It's a sublime pool where the waters are crystal blue and where he can commune with Zugon freely. He hates being an Aspirant rather than an Ascendant. The Honeybee Deck is driving him nuts, all those shifty Would-Be's trying to climb up the side of the ship to Cloud Nine. I'm on Deck Six, which wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't already been on Deck Seven. But I put too much fertilizer on a tomato plant so I'm back on Deck Six, making the fertilizer."
"How do you do that?" Mary asks.
"You don't want to know," Peon Frost answers, frowning.
"I thought the ship was going to take us to India, so we can get to Mount Everest?" Bert says.
"To find my missing umbrella!" Mary adds. She is nearly out of breath. Both she and Bert are jogging to keep up with Peon Frost, who's marching like a soldier.
Peon Frost corrects herself immediately. "Right, India, to find your missing umbrella. You said that, didn't you? Of course we're going to take you to India. But first you need to pay your passage to reach Deck Nine, so you can ask Zugon for his help. Deck Nine is the place where all important questions are answered and where everyone is the best they can be. I'm a horticulturist. Deck Nine for me would be like living in the Garden of Eden. It's a far cry from where I started when I first got on the ship - composting egg shells and coffee grounds on Deck One. Fighting against the current has been an amazing experience. You'll enjoy it, too."
"I just want my umbrella," Mary says. "So how do we get to Deck Nine as quickly as possible? Is there an elevator we can take?"
Peon Frost laughs. "Sorry, no elevator. You have to work your way up to Deck Nine, by doing what you do best. In your case that's singing and dancing. The better you are, the higher you'll go. The Senior Ascendants will assess your skills."
"And if they don't like us?" Mary inquires nervously. They have stopped before a large set of steel doors.
"Not like you on Deck Flounder? Well, there's nothing below it other than the ocean, so I guess you would have to play Go Fish with the Washouts." Peon Frost winks then flings a door wide open. "Welcome to the Mess Hall," she says.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Mary glares at Bert over a plate of scrambled eggs. They are sitting across from each other at a long metal table, with about sixty other Ascendants on Deck One. There are many tables like it in the Mess Hall. Everyone is dressed in light blue swimsuits and robes, chatting eagerly over their scrambled eggs as they await the day's orders. Senior Ascendants are roving the aisles, dressed in various-coloured swimsuits and robes, depending on their stations. Clipboards in hand, they are scribbling detailed notes.
"Sorry," Bert mouths.
"Don't you like your scrambled eggs?" the woman beside Mary asks. Her name is Glenda and she and her husband Larry have been on Deck Flounder for a year. In their 40s, they are cooks. They have aspirations of being chefs to Zugon and his Chief Ascendant, Vevok Joz, on Deck Nine. Apparently there is no greater glory than serving the Supreme Master. They have been scrambling eggs for twelve solid months, except for their brief ascent to Deck Two where they tossed salad until someone noticed water droplets on the lettuce. Because of their mistake, Glenda and Larry were shown the elevator down. They said it was wonderful to ascend, though, and they can't wait to do it again.
"If only I could scramble the perfect egg," Glenda has already told Mary. Indeed she and her husband, Larry, are quite stressed about it. A Senior Ascendant is standing over Mary now, waiting for her answer as to the quality of her scrambled egg. It's a life or death situation, judging by Glenda and Larry's faces.
"It's a beautiful egg, thank you," Mary responds. She smiles up at the man peering over her shoulder, studying the yellow glob on her plate. Frowning, he writes something on his clipboard then wanders off.
"Thank you!" Glenda says, relieved. "Yesterday Larry and I were told our eggs weren't fluffy, so today we used cream instead of milk and cooked them 5 degrees lower. And I didn't let Larry beat the heck out of them with a whisk, like he usually does." She passes him an evil stare.
"Woman, I'm scrambling eggs for almost four hundred people every morning. Whipping all those eggs with a fork is hurting my wrist. I can't be doing it." Larry doesn't look up. His head is hanging over his plate, like he's exhausted.
Glenda doesn't want to hear this. "My dear, if you want to ascend to Deck Two again, you have no choice BUT to do it."
Larry shrugs then digs into his eggs.
"They are delicious eggs," Mary assures Glenda. "I'm sure you'll be tossing salad again on Deck Two in no time."
"So what's your Purpose?" Glenda asks Mary.
"Well, I'm Mary Poppins, the Mary Poppins, and my friend Bert and I are looking for my magic umbrella. We need to get to Mount Everest, and Daemon Redo has promised to take us there," she responds.
Larry looks up from his eggs, puzzled. "You mean you're not here to ascend to Deck Nine? You know, be the best you can be?"
Reaching over the table, Mary squeezes his arm. "Sir, I'm Mary Poppins. I may not be at my best now, but I have been, several times over. So to answer your question, no, Bert and I are not here to ascend to Deck Nine. However, we have been told that we must pay for our passage to ascend to Deck Nine, where we can ask your Mr. Joz the best way to find my umbrella. We will do that by singing and dancing. We're entertainers, you see."
"So that's your Purpose." Glenda nods her head. She is suitably impressed. "If you're as good as you say you are, you'll reach Deck Nine in no time. Lucky you. I would love to sing and dance for Zugon."
"Well, if that's what's required to get to Mount Everest, then that's what we'll do," Mary states. Eating her last bit of scrambled egg, she is resolute. "Now, where do we start?"
"There's a stage over there," Bert answers, pointing to the front of the Mess Hall.
"Fine. Let's get this over with so we can ascend to Deck Nine and get to Mount Everest. Come along, Bert. Are you ready to trip the light fantastic?" Mary steps up onto table, hand out.
"Absolutely, Mary Poppins," Bert says, joining her. Hand in hand they skip down the table, eyes only for each other as they sing "It's a Jolly Holiday" for the crowd. Naturally everyone is surprised by this impromptu performance over scrambled eggs and coffee, especially the Senior Ascendants who are scribbling madly on their clipboards.
Hopping onto the stage, Mary and Bert dance and sing some more until their song is complete. Bert dips Mary theatrically before they rise and bow for the audience. Where they expect clapping, there is silence. Silence except for the scratching of pens on clipboards.
"Didn't they like us?" Mary asks, puzzled.
"Not by the looks of it, Mary Poppins," Bert replies, equally confused.
"Not in the least," Daemon Redo answers from his spot beside the stage. He is also dressed in a bathing suit and robe, and dripping wet. "Come to my office," he says to Mary and Bert. Before they can refuse, he has left the Mess Hall. Glancing at each other unsurely, they have no choice but to follow him.