Seriously guys, thank you for all the responses last chapter. I always love reading your reviews and I'm happy that you guys are interested in reading more of this story.
Really, I wanted to put up an update earlier but I celebrated the beginning of 2020 with a cold that knocked me on my ass. So I do apologize for the late update but I am really excited about what's coming up in the next couple of chapters. Enjoy~!
Chapter 27
It had taken them three days—relatively quick three days—to pack up everything that Erin had wanted to keep and shipped them back to Chicago. Everything had fit into simple four cardboard boxes and Erin stood, pondering just what kind of empty life she had lived in the past two years where all of her important belongings can be summarized up in just four beige boxes. But that was then—she thought as Jay wrapped his arms around her from behind—and this was now.
Now, she was flying back to Chicago and returning home, where she belonged. Despite enjoying her time with the SVU and appreciating the relationships and friendships that she had formed with her old team, she couldn't stop the smile that was practically pasted on her face—and Jay's—as they went through Erin's things and had separated them into two piles—keep and donate.
They had even lucked out and found a tenant that would lease out Erin's place quickly—a young woman looking for a fresh start and she had reminded Erin so much of herself that she had given her new tenant a good deal on her place. So now everything was done and ready. They had a flight back to O'Hare in the morning and they had decided to spend their last night in New York back on the rooftop where they rang in the New Year.
Olivia insisted on sending them off at the airport and she and Dodds—who had made his case that it was his last duty as her partner to be there—had hugged and waved them goodbye as she and Jay boarded the plane hand in hand. They were practically giddy on the flight, hands intertwined and never separating, as the airtight capsule flew through the clouds—Jay and Erin in the cloud 9 of their own. Finally they touched down in Chicago a couple of hours later and as Jay held her closer to him as they exited the airport, Erin truly felt like she had come home.
They were both looking forward to settling back down. After the rollercoaster of the past couple of months with the case with Yates and the nightmare that was Erin getting hurt, Jay was actually excited about not having to go to work for a few weeks and just spending time with Erin and helping her fully recover. He knew that she was itching to get 100% better—scheduling her first physical therapy session as soon as she could—and he couldn't exactly blame her as he watched the energy she had to exert just to get around their place. Their place. The smile that had been permanently glued to his face didn't seem to be going away anytime soon, especially whenever he thought of his place as now theirs.
"Babe," he called, walking over to where she was standing to grab the pile of her sweaters she was carrying. "Let me help." She wouldn't let go, instead tugging her sweaters closer to her chest as she resumed the tedious journey—for her anyways—that stretched from their living room to their bedroom. He rolled his eyes at her stubbornness. No matter how much he insisted on helping her out, she refused—claiming that she wasn't crippled and she wasn't going to spend the next six weeks of her life on the couch. So he let her be, knowing that she was fiercely independent and loving her for it.
Instead he slowly followed her from behind and watched from the doorway as she opened a dresser and stored her sweaters away. Again the damn smile took over his face again—his jaw would be in pain if he wasn't so damn happy—as he watched her laid her belongings next to his little by little until his and hers were just now theirs—just like it was always meant to be.
"I noticed that your pajamas pile was much smaller," he spoke from the doorway, raising his eyebrows. "Any reason?"
She returned with a quirk of the eyebrows of her own before shrugging. "I knew you'd be willing to share your shirts with me so I figured those pajamas could be put to better use for someone else. Besides," she continued, dropping her voice to that raspy tone that drove him crazy, "I made sure to keep all the lacy ones," she emphasized her statement with a suggestive raise of her eyebrow. He felt blood rushed straight to his groin at her suggestive statement, groaning because he wasn't able to do anything of the things he had been dying to do. Erin was under strict order from the doctor not to do any strenuous activity for at least a month and everything Jay had in mind of what he wanted to do with her was definitely strenuous.
"You're killing me," he muttered as she giggled, satisfied with the reaction she elicited from him.
"One month," she commented, running her eyes up and down his body as he approached closer to her, closing the distance between them. "Think you can handle the wait?"
He caught her lips with his own, gripping her waist so she was pulled against him completely. "Definitely not," he murmured between kisses, his hands traveling to her back to get her even closer. Then she let out a moan that sounded so seductive to his ears that he had to pull away from her, groaning loudly as he dropped his head on her shoulders. "You're killing me," he repeated as he buried his face in her neck. "You're so damn irresistible," he muttered into her neck. "How am I supposed to survive the next 30 days with all this pent up energy?"
"I have an idea," she said, again using that voice of hers that drove him wild and Jay brought his head up just in time to catch her smirk.
"Left, left, little bit more." He groaned as sweat began to drip down his forehead as Erin repeated her instructions. "Right there. There. That's perfect!"
"You're sure this time?"
"Yep," Erin smiled, patting his chest as she studied the dresser that used to be in their bedroom, now in the guest room. "This is the perfect spot. Now we can get a big comfy chair for the bedroom."
Jay had insisted that Erin change whatever she wanted to around the place, determined to make her feel at home as much as he could. It took several coaxing from him and she certainly didn't have any extravagant plans like he did when he first moved in to her place with the 65 inch flat screen but she had wanted to add a big comfy chair to the bedroom. It didn't take much convincing—just the image of what they could do on that chair immediately had him moving one of the dressers they didn't need into the other bedroom. However, he had to admit he was surprised by how much of a perfectionist Erin was when it came to home décor. He had told her several time to make everything how she wanted it and she certainly took that to heart, taking the opportunity to turn him into her own labor boy.
But she was right. Moving around furniture—repeatedly until they were in the exact spots that Erin wanted—was certainly a good way to expend all of his pent up energy. But he had a feeling Erin wasn't done just yet, judging by that cloying smile she had on her face.
"Yes?" he asked with a knowing tone as she walked closer to him.
"Don't be mad," she warned him, giving him a smile. "But I think I like the dresser better on the other side." She bit her lips as though she was anticipating him getting mad. But really, who were they kidding? They both knew that he was a sucker for her and her dimples, even if he rolled his eyes at her request, knowing he was just doing it for effect.
At least she rewarded his efforts with a kiss.
"So what do you think?" she asked from the couch, watching him place the last of the item on the shelf. He stepped back and admired the changes around the room. What was once a pretty bare and impersonal living room now was decorated with several of Erin's things that she kept in storage over at Voight's. Now the place looked like there wasn't just a lonely brokenhearted bachelor living there but instead a couple, made obvious by the feminine touch mixed with several of his sports memorabilia.
"It looks great," he admitted, joining her on the couch and she immediately cuddled into his arms. "You were right, that chair does look better by the window." She hummed happily at him admitting that despite all the heavy lifting and pushing by him, she was right about everything. His only contribution—aside from the hard labor—had been his insistence to place the picture of little Erin in the ballerina outfit on the mantle by the fireplace. He had placed the frame on there as Erin busied herself with other part of the room but the smile that came over her face when she saw the picture told him that she had approved. Even now whenever his eyes caught a glance of the picture, his face broke out in the sappiest grin. It was like his own promise of 'one day'. One that he was keeping to himself until Erin was ready. One day when there would be a picture of their daughter or son next to his favorite picture. He couldn't wait. "How about you? What do you think?"
"Hmm," Erin laid her head on his chest, running her fingers over his heart. She turned her head and looked up at him, her dimples caving in on her face. "Feels like home." The corner of his lips turned up at her words and he pressed a kiss to her head. "I feel like I'm finally home."
If the heavy snores that were coming from the other side of the bed was any indication, it seemed as though moving heavy furnitures around all day had tired Jay out. Instead of being annoyed by the loud noises, Erin was glad that Jay was having an easier time sleeping. Besides it wasn't as though she could blame her restless night of sleep—a common occurrence the past couple of nights—on his snores anyway. The blame went solely on the dreams she kept on having whenever she just drifted off to sleep.
Apparently now that all the holidays were over and things were finally calming down and returning to normal, her mind had decided it was the perfect time to conjure up nightmares and recall more pieces of memory from that night that she wished had went away forever or be all tucked into the corner of her mind where she couldn't ever reach it. But the lack of distractions and the end of seasonal celebrations had gave way to clear up the fog of what happened during her abduction and little by little her memory came back.
Whenever she fell asleep, she dreamt of falling through the windows. Only each time, she got closer and closer to the ground, waking up in time just before she fully hit the ground. But each time, cold sweats would cover her body, making her shiver even more. She had refrained from seeking Jay's warmth, not wanting to be selfish and wake him up when he had been sleeping well the past couple of days—making up for the days he had missed sleep because of her. Instead she tried to go make herself fall asleep again—praying that this slumber would bring better dreams.
She felt his hands on her body, skimming slowly as though he had all the time in the world. She couldn't move, she couldn't fight him off, wanting his disgusting touch away from her. Instead she had laid there, helpless, unable to stop him from opening up the buttons on her shirt before moving down to her pants and pulling them off until she was left in her underwear. She wanted to break his hands that was touching her inner thigh, anger surging inside of her but she couldn't lift her hands. Then her world went black.
Erin's eyes snapped open, blinking several times so her eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room. She felt Jay's warm breath on her neck and his arms around her stomach and she tried to keep her body from trembling. She didn't want to wake him up and deal with her bullshit so early in the morning.
"You okay?" his voice was heavy with sleep yet the concern still shined through. Erin felt bad that she had woke him up anyways.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Go back to sleep."
"You're shaking," Jay countered, tightening his arms around her waist. "You cold?" he asked, bringing the blanket more over to her side, covering her up more underneath the heavy comforter.
She turned around so she could face him. "I'm fine. Just hold me like this," she whispered as she burrowed herself closer to him. He frowned, worry clouding his face as he held her closer, his hands rubbing her back tenderly.
"Erin," his tone told her that he didn't quite buy her answer of being fine. "What's going on? Tell me."
He sounded so worried and concerned that Erin couldn't help but wanting to tell him everything. She just wasn't sure how to start. So she rested her forehead on his bare chest, his skin giving her comfort to tell him everything.
"I'm just starting to remember what happened little by little," she started, absentmindedly drawing patterns on his chest. "Every time I go to sleep, I remember myself jumping out the window, I see the ground get closer and closer, just waiting for the impact and I couldn't stop myself. I remember being so helpless, knowing that it was my only chance of getting out alive before Stan blew us and the house up and I saw your face as I fell and you were smiling and I just thought that I'd never get to see your face again if I didn't survive this."
"You're safe now Erin," he reassured her, pressing a kiss on her damp forehead. "Stan won't get to you ever again."
Erin nodded. "Yeah," she murmured quietly, trying to think of how to tell Jay the next part, knowing the anguish that her confession could bring him. But they made a promise to each other to be open, not hide things from each other, no matter how much they wanted to protect each other. "I remember something else."
"What is it?" he asked, sensing her hesitation. "You can tell me anything Erin."
She sighed, mustering up enough courage to tell him. "For the past two nights, I remember feeling his hands on me." She felt him immediately tense at her confession and she already knew that his mind had gone to the worst conclusions. Despite feeling guilty, she knew she had to tell him. After everything Jay had done for her and was continuing to do for her as she recovered, he deserved to know. "Jay, nothing happened. I promise." She at least wanted to get that out of the way, reassure him once again that the worst didn't happen. Both Jenny and the rape kit that they had done on her were proof of it but she knew he needed the reminder all the same.
"I know," he still sounded tortured and Erin would rather go through a million more nightmares than to have Jay sounding like that. "But I just hate thinking of what could've happened. But I still want you to talk to me. I can handle it."
"The memories come and go and I don't really remember anything when I'm awake. Maybe my brain had blocked most of it out and it's protecting me during the waking hours but when I'm asleep, I'm defenseless. I feel him just hovering over me, I feel his hands touching me. I have flashes of him undressing me and I remember wanting to fight him off, wanting to defend myself but I couldn't. Whatever he did to leave me defenseless worked because I kept on blacking out. I couldn't even tell which way was up or down but I still felt his fingers on me." She shivered, recalling the flashes of images and the crippling fears she felt when Stan had her. Jay was doing his best to calm her down, his hands the complete opposite of Stan's, bringing her nothing but comfort and safety. "I know nothing happened. I know that. But it's still hard," she shrugged. "I just want to get over it already."
"Hey," he gently lifted her face so she was looking at him. "What you've went through, it was real and it was difficult. You're allowed time to heal, to get past everything on your own time when you're ready. There's no rush, no pressure."
"I just hate that I keep doing this to you," she admitted in a small voice. "That whenever we start to have some sort of normalcy again, here I am with my problems." She didn't think it was possible for him to bring her closer to his body but apparently it was, his arms tugging her so close that every inch of their bodies were against each other.
"Hey," he asserted, his voice adamant and unwavering. "That's not how life works. That's not how we work. Erin, look at me." She couldn't deny his request and she definitely couldn't tear her eyes away from his eyes, so piercing blue with determination that it stood out even in the dark room. "You told me once that if I ever needed help carrying my load, you'll be there to help. Well, that goes the same for me. Whatever you're going through, whatever your problem is, I'm here. I'll help you carry yours. That's us. That's how we have always worked, even before sex and relationship came into the picture."
"My load is heavier than most."
"I'm pretty strong," he retorted, trying to lighten the mood a little. "Whatever you need help carrying, I got you babe." He sealed his promise with a kiss, just quick enough to ease the bit of tightness in her chest. "I'm serious though," he started again, running his fingers on her forehead gently. "There's no timeline here. There's no rush. I know you're eager to get over everything, with your leg and with everything else you went through but what's important is you deal with it the right way and we deal with it, together."
Erin nodded, he sounded so sure and unyielding that it left no room for her doubts and hesitation. "I honestly don't even know where to start."
"Like this," he replied. "By asking for help. Telling me, telling someone, what you're thinking, what you're going through. That's the first step. Then we can talk for as long as you want, whenever you want until you get past this and you feel 100% safe and you realize that Stan never can get to you again. I'll be ready to listen to you whenever you want. And maybe it's a good idea to reach out to Dr. Charles again. He helped you out so much last time."
Erin let his words play around in her head, knowing he was right. He had always been there, no matter what. She knew he was also right about Dr. Charles. The doctor was a huge help for her when she was working through her grief of Nadia's death as well as her spiral down afterwards. Maybe it wasn't the worst idea in the world to reach out to him again.
"Thank you," she gave him a reassuring smile to let him know she was okay now. "I think I'll call Dr. Charles in the morning. See when his next availability is."
Jay nodded. "Okay. I'm here too, anytime."
"I know you are. Even if I wake you up at 4 in the morning," she said, glancing over at the clock that showed her just how early it was. "Thank you."
"Anytime." He smiled when she laid her forehead against his chest again, arms going around his waist. "Try to get some sleep. I'll be here." He kissed the crown of her head. "I'll keep you safe," he spoke into her hair. That was the reassurance she needed tonight. Despite feeling bad about waking him up so early in the morning, there was just something about their 4 a.m confessions that left her feeling lighter and took away her troubles. That and his fingers that were stroking through her hair so gently were just the remedies she needed to fully drift off to sleep.
Erin quickly learned that her new favorite part of officially moving back in with Jay for the past couple of weeks was the discovering and re-discovering of both of each other's new and old habits. Before when they had lived together, they had gotten used to learning and adapting to every little quirks that they both had—good and bad. Like how Jay liked to lay out his clothes at night so he could get as much sleep as he could in the morning and how it rubbed off on her enough that she started doing the same, or how he liked to charge his phone as soon as he got through the door and how it drove Erin crazy because he was always hogging the charger or how he was a big believer of coasters, insisting that every cup needed a coaster underneath it if it was going to touch any surface or his new habit of hanging up his keys on the hook instead of tossing it on the counter or the bowl by the kitchen counter like she preferred to do. She was sure she had longtime habits of hers that drove him crazy too like her always leaving her mascara tube out on the bathroom counter because no matter how early she woke up she always seemed to be in a rush in the morning or her hogging all the blankets at night because she got cold easily.
But those little habits and quirks—both new and old—were what made them…them. And it was the perfect symbolism of their relationship right now. Where it was new and they were learning new things about each other and how both of them had changed over the past two years and they were both eagerly soaking in every new fact they learned about each other and committing them to memory. Yet there was still this foundation of familiarity and intimacy that had lasted through the time and distance that grounded and strengthened them. Like Jay knowing just the exact spot on her neck that his lips can drive her wild and the thrill he had when he found another spot just below her ear that had her gripping his arms in uncontained pleasure.
She didn't think she had ever been this happy in her life before. Despite everything else that was going on and the things that she was slowly working through, things with Jay were pretty damn perfect right now. Jay had told her before that not every day could be sunny and that there would be days where the dark clouds would take over but everything looked pretty damn sunny for Erin right now.
It was because Jay was like the sun—she mused to herself as she watched him release soft snores next to her, the sunlight from outside just starting to peek through the curtain and delicately kissing his bare skin, illuminating this perfection of a man in a soft warm glow that made him even more beautiful—and somehow she was lucky enough to hold this sun in her arms.
He was the warmth and the light, always shining to fight away the cold and the darkness in her life. He was bright—sometimes so bright that it left no room for her shadows to see the light of day. And when he loved, he loved with this blazing intensity that burned her soul, setting her body on fire and making all the defensive walls she had built around her heart ablaze. And just as she was sure that the sun would rise tomorrow and every day, she was sure that Jay would be there if she needed him. Because he was dependable, he was constant, he was her forever.
"So how are you this morning?"
"Better," she replied, leaning on the armrest of the couch in Dr. Charlie's office. Despite it being her third visit to him, she still hadn't felt truly comfortable in the office no matter how much the décor in his office were intended to make its patients feel comfortable—secure enough to open up.
"How are you sleeping?"
"Better," she repeated. She shrugged when Dr. Charles took off his glasses, waiting for her to elaborate. But she honestly was telling the truth. Between the energy that she was expending during her physical therapy sessions and the couple of sessions she had with him, she found sleep coming to her easier. She hadn't had any nightmares in a couple of days, the last one being when she woke up screaming last week because in her dreams, she finally made the impact with the ground hard. But Jay had been there, shushing her softly and gently rubbing her back until she got her heart under control and was able to go back to sleep.
"Any more nightmares?"
Erin shook her head. "Not since the last time we talked. Not since I um…..went to see his grave."
"Whose grave Erin?" She knew that Dr. Charles already knew which grave she was talking about and it was more about making sure she said his name out loud.
"Stan's grave." Dr. Charles nodded, pleased.
"And how was seeing his gravesite?"
"Good," Erin replied honestly. "I wasn't conscious when he was killed but seeing the headstone with his name on it and knowing that he was truly dead and buried," she paused, pondering over her words. "It was good."
It had been a couple of days ago and she had been through a particularly hard physical therapy session. She was frustrated and angry because she wasn't where she wanted to be with her progress and no matter what the therapist had said about Erin making more than good enough progress and advising her on not forcing herself too hard, it wasn't helping her. So she had done what she always did best—take out that frustrations on those around her, no matter how much undeserved. She had given Jay the cold shoulder that night—alternating between giving him one worded answers one minute and ready to bite his head off at his questions the next. Just her usual pattern of self destruction, anything to get the anger simmering inside of her out. But Jay had taken it all in strides, seeming to understand just what she was doing and not giving into what she wanted—for him to fight back. Instead he had tossed her coat onto her lap and told her that they were going for a ride, giving her no room to refuse.
Erin had been surprised when the car had turned into the cemetery and wordlessly, she followed Jay out of the car and into the park, deserted at night. Finally they had stopped and Erin had let out a soft gasp when she saw the name that was on the tombstone. Stan Rappaport.
"I know what you're doing Erin," Jay started talking as Erin couldn't keep her eyes off of the grave. "Why you're pushing yourself so hard in physical therapy. You're feeling defenseless and I know how much you hate feeling like that. So you push yourself so you're 100% better physically, thinking that's what you need to do and you get frustrated because you're not back to yourself yet. You see it as yourself being weak, vulnerable to that monster to get to you again." He stepped closer to her, hands wanting to wipe away the tears that had started to fall down her face but stopping himself—knowing she needed that release. "But you're the strongest person I know Erin. And you're safe. He's dead, he's gone. That grave is the proof of that. I wasn't sure if you should see it before but I think you needed to see it in person so you can really start to believe it." The sobs that were coming from her were loud and raw and they shook her body until she couldn't hold herself up anymore. But like always, Jay was there to catch her before she hit the ground and he held her to his chest as she bawled, releasing all the fears and worry that she had pent up inside of her and finally letting herself crumble, knowing that Jay was there to hold her together.
He clutched her trembling body to his chest—just repeating the words 'you're safe' over and over again until she started to truly believe it. Finally after all of her tears had run out and the shuddering sobs had turned to stuttered breaths, he had picked her up and pieced her back together.
"I just really needed to see that," Erin explained, "I had no idea just how much I needed to see that he was really dead so I can finally start to put it behind me."
"How did seeing his grave make you feel?"
"Like it was finally over," Erin replied, shrugging. "That he can't get to me ever again. I know Hank would make sure that there were no mistakes made with Stan's burial, not when it comes to protecting me and I trust him. I don't know, that night and seeing that grave was the catharsis I was needing but wasn't able to find. But Jay knew what I needed and how to give that to me."
"He has been a strong rock for you."
Erin smiled. "Yeah, he has been the best. Although that is not exactly a surprise. Jay," she breathed his name, feeling the rush of affection that took over her just thinking about him. "He's always looking out for me, even before we got together."
"You two have recently reconciled your relationship right?" Dr. Charles asked, looking over his notes.
"Yeah, it's funny," Erin scoffed. "This case with Stan was the thing that brought us back together. In a way, it makes going through everything worth it. I know that sounds horrible."
"It's honest."
Erin nodded. "I'm trying to be that. Honest. Open. Everything that I wasn't before." She paused, thinking if she really wanted to say what was on her mind but the understanding eyes of the doctor had her opening up. She was sitting there because she wanted to get help and the only way to do that was to be completely open and honest. "To be completely honest, sometimes I don't know why Jay wants to be with me."
Dr. Charles' eyes narrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"
Erin shrugged. "He's everything good, you know. Even though he has his past and his own history, somehow he had managed to come out of them stronger. He has his own convictions and his own way of seeing the world yet somehow he had managed to see something good in me, good enough to love even after all the things I've done. Even on my most darkest days when I can't understand how someone like that can be with me, he still manages to break through the shadows. He deserves better, I know he does. He deserves someone that isn't filled with baggage from her childhood, someone that's not constantly looking over her shoulders for her crazy mother, someone whose first instinct isn't to lash out at him, expecting him to take everything in strides."
"Why do you think you do that? Why is that your first instinct? Why lash out at Jay?"
Erin remained quiet, the question rattling around in her head. The obvious answer was that it was the result of years of protecting herself, trying to survive. But she knew there was a deeper reason when it came to Jay.
Jay had picked her up after her session, just like he always did from both her physical therapy sessions and her meetings with Dr. Charles. Seeing him smile as he waited for her in the lobby of the hospital had lightened her heart and lifted her spirits after a grueling and draining session. He was just what she needed. He didn't say anything, he didn't need to. Just a look at her face and he knew how much the meeting with Dr. Charles had taken out of her. So he opted to restore her energy with his affection, kissing her deeply until her tired heart had regained the beat it needed to feel like herself again.
"Can we talk?" Jay looked surprised at her request and she couldn't exactly blame him. She hadn't been in the mood to talk after her sessions, claiming that she did enough talking for the day with the doctor and didn't have enough energy for more. But Dr. Charles had given her food for thought during their session today and she had wanted to follow his advice.
"Of course," Jay had quickly replied, taking the seat next to her on the couch. "What's going on?" She smiled and leaned into his touch as he palmed her face, concern shining in his eyes.
"I was just thinking of what Dr. Charles and I talked about today."
"Oh yeah? What did you guys talk about?"
"You."
A surprised smile came over Jay's face. "Me? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
She chuckled at his question. "Good things, mostly."
"Mostly?" He quirked his eyebrows, shifting slightly in his seat. "Now you got me all nervous."
She bit her lips, thinking of how to start. Erin let Dr. Charles' advice play in her head.
'The best thing you can do is to be honest with Jay. The start to working on feeling like you deserve Jay is by giving him things you think he deserves. Does he deserve your honesty? Your truth? If the answer is yes then start by giving him what he deserves.'
"Erin?" Jay's voice shook her out of her thoughts and she gave him a small smile, reaching out to hold his hands.
"I was talking to Dr. Charles about the night we went to see Stan's grave," she started, deciding that the best way to start telling Jay was just to start from the beginning. "And I remembered how I was lashing out at you that night. I was angry and frustrated over my physical therapy and instead of working through that, I decided to take it out on you."
He nodded, remembering the night.
"And you didn't deserve that," she continued. "You don't deserve to be my punching bag. Not after everything you've done for me. Then Dr. Charles asked me why it was my first instinct to lash out at you and it got me thinking."
'Tell him, no matter how hard it might be. Trust him to understand where you're coming from.'
"And I realize that it was because subconsciously I was still protecting myself. From you."
She immediately saw in his eyes that the notion of her protecting herself from him had broken his heart. The pain in his eyes was obvious but Erin wanted to continue explaining herself. Jay deserved to know the truth, he deserved honesty. So before he could've said anything, she continued her word vomit.
"Jay when you left that night and you walked out the door with your duffle bag, it broke me. I had never let myself got close to a person like that before you and it was how I lived my life so I can survive and protect myself. But then falling for you was so easy, I really had no chance," she chuckled. "You know I tried to fight it, tried to run away from it many times. I hid behind Hank, my career, grief over Nadia and many potholes that was my life but each time, you fought back and you found me. You were always there and you didn't give up." God knew she had done enough running of her own, always kept Jay at arm's length because the idea of giving up her heart completely to someone else petrified her. But Jay came into her life with his easy smile and trusting eyes and she was completely done. "You showed me that it was possible to love someone that much and not be so afraid of good things in my life."
He was listening to her intently, not interrupting her and he was just letting her get her words out.
"Then you left and I know why you did it and that you did to protect me." There was no blame in her voice, no bitterness. She didn't blame him or held a grudge at what happened that tore them apart. It was never about Jay not loving her enough or them not loving each other. Perhaps it was the opposite, their love for each other causing them to become unnecessary martyrs. "But I'd be lying if I didn't say that it shattered me. It broke me."
"Erin," Jay finally spoke, unable to hold back anymore. "I'm so sorry. You know I never meant to hurt you."
She didn't need to see his unshed tears to know that hurting her was the last thing he wanted to do. "I know," Erin reassured him, holding his arms. "But it didn't stop me from closing myself off and protecting myself. I didn't realize it but I kept taking the easy way out with us since then. Instead of fighting for you and making you see that coming home was the right thing to do, I let you go. I let you push me away and walk out the door and I kept you at a distance because it hurt too much and I wanted to protect myself. Then the first chance I got, I left. I ran like I always do. Yeah I could blame it on Hank's advice or Bunny's drama but at the end of the day, it was me."
"But you're back. You're here," Jay stressed. "That's all that matters. We have a second chance here Erin."
Erin nodded. "Yeah we do. And Jay it's so precious and I don't want to repeat my mistakes anymore. I don't want to lash out at you, trying to push you away when things get hard and I get frustrated and mad. I don't want to run anymore."
"Then don't," he urged, scooting closer to her and holding her face so she can feel his urgency from his touch. "It's time both of us stop running. Stop finding excuses and reasons to push each other away because we're afraid of hurting the other. No more."
Erin gripped his arm that was holding her and nodded. "Jay, I'm ready."
The start of a smile came over Jay's face as his eyes implored straight into hers. "For what Erin?"
"To fall for you completely," Erin whispered, her eyes shining with tears. "No more defense mechanisms, no more walls to keep myself from getting hurt. Happiness, pain, pleasures, all the smile and tears—I'm ready to take on everything that comes with a life with you. And this time I won't be afraid to fight for you."
The kiss that Jay gave her was intense, it was powerful and consuming. It was the fervor she needed to give into him completely and just sink in his arms—to surrender her heart completely to him and trusting him to take care of it.
"I'm happy to hear that," Jay muttered between kisses, barely able to get his words out. "Because I've fallen for you completely already Erin." He was finally able to tear his lips away from hers to rest his forehead against her, breathing heavily. "And I promise, no more pushing you away, thinking I know what's better for you or how much you can handle. From now on, we'll help carry each other's loads." Fluttering touches grazed her face, matching the flutters of butterflies in her stomach at his promise. "Erin, you're my partner, my best friend and you're the love of my life. Always."
"Always," she repeated, returning his sentiments to him. "Can you promise me something else?"
His reply was quick. "Anything."
"Promise to always call me on my crap when I need it and I'm gonna need it," she said, causing both of them to laugh. "I don't want us to just become a better couple. I want us to make each other better people."
"You're already the best person I know," he replied, running his fingers on her eyebrows. "But I promise. I'll happily call you out on your crap."
"When I need it," she stressed, staring him down.
Jay rolled his eyes teasingly and scoffed, chuckling. "Of course," he said, giving her a wink. "Just when you need it."
Erin didn't realize just how much they needed that last promise until she saw the effect of it. It was as though there was this unspoken layer of tension and hesitancy lifted between them. Erin didn't even realize that they had been tip-toeing around each other, afraid to step on each other's toes or to screw their reconciliation up. But after making promises to each other to call out each other's crap, they had fully returned to their old relationships where banters and innuendos and silly fights flowed easily between them. There was an understanding that while their relationship was precious, it wasn't that fragile and it wasn't made of glass. And they finally felt settled with their new life together.
They would have happily stayed in their little cocoon—isolated from the outside world—if it hadn't been for Voight dropping by several times to check up on Erin or Adam insisting that double dating was all the rage and convincing—more like nagging until Erin and Jay had given in—them to go out a couple of times with him and Kim. Erin would begrudgingly admit that maybe those double dates weren't all that bad, just not in front of Adam so she didn't egg him on even more.
Because no matter how much she enjoyed seeing Voight or how much laughter flowed during those double dates, nothing compared to the time she got to spent with Jay, just the two of them. They talked so much—about everything and anything. Their lives while they were apart, parts of their childhood that they didn't share before, the cases they worked, everything was on the table. And they kissed too. They kissed so much that Erin was surprised that her lips weren't permanently swollen by now but that would a small price to pay just to feel his lips on hers. Erin just knew that they were secretly counting down the days until they reached that month timeline and Erin could finally feel more than just Jay's lips and hands on her body, just like she was desperately craving.
But of course, that little peaceful bubble they had found themselves in had to burst sooner or later.
Jay had been acting strange all day, checking his phone every so often and just generally being skittish. He was acting so out of normal that it actually worried her.
"You okay?"
"Huh?" Jay looked up from his phone that had been distracting him all day. "Yeah, I'm fine." Erin frowned, not believing him. "You know what? I need to go out for a second. I'll be back real quick." He stood up, giving her a quick kiss and ran out of their place like it was on fire.
Just as fast as he left, he returned just as quickly while Erin was still sat on the couch, wondering what the hell was going on. But he came in through the door with the grin on his face that told her that he had something planned.
"Jay, what's going on?" she questioned, almost reluctantly like she wasn't sure if she wanted to know whatever he had planned. He quickly came over to her on the couch, hiding something behind his back and sat down.
"I kind of did something," was his vague reply.
She narrowed her eyes at him. She couldn't help it, she was a detective. She was practically born to be suspicious of everything. "What thing did you do?"
He bit his lips, eyes sparkling with excitement, as he handed her what he was holding behind him—a stack of papers stapled together.
"Jay," she gasped as she read the papers over. "You got your lease agreements changed?" Because the leasing paper that used to have just Jay Halstead listed as the tenant now read both Jay Halstead and Erin Lindsay.
He shrugged as though it wasn't a big deal. "The leasing office wasn't exactly happy to come in over the weekend but I wanted it done ASAP. I just thought we should live in a place where both of our names are on the papers." He reached over to grab the papers and held them up. "This right here, officially means we are living together," he explained. "Again," he added, playfully rolling his eyes.
"So that's why you were being weird all day."
"Pretty much," he shrugged. "It's just a small thing but I still wanted to surprise you but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get the papers by today." She leaned over to give him a thank you kiss.
"Thank you," she verbalized, her dimples showing her appreciation. He reconnected their lips again and almost toppled over as she pulled him down on the couch, him hovering over her body as their lips remained connected, opening and closing to derive the most pleasure from each other. She moaned, draping her arms around him to pull him closer, hands going underneath his shirt to touch the bare skin underneath, so he was resting his weight on her, crossing her legs around him so he was all pressed up against her.
He groaned, his hand roaming all over her body, kneading her soft skin. His lips traveled to the tantalizing trail of her neck and he pressed kisses all over it, softly sucking at the sweet taste he found there. She tightened her legs around him and he couldn't stop himself from bucking into her, Erin releasing the most seductive moan at his action.
She wanted to go all the way, to throw the doctor's order out of the window and just reconnect their bodies in the most primitive and thrilling way. But Jay had managed to get himself under control, slowing down their fervent kisses until he was left pressing fluttering kisses all over her face, leaving Erin writhing underneath him with anticipating and pure need. "Just five more days," he whispered into her skin, finally voicing the unspoken countdown until they were able to make love again. "Just five more. And it'll be worth the wait." He seared his promise into her lips with a deep kiss.
They had decided on celebrating their new lease in the most 'them' way—by watching the football playoffs and Erin's favorite pizza. It was all she needed to be happy in life—football, pizza and cuddling with Jay on the couch.
"Ugh, I still can't believe the Packers made the playoffs," Erin griped as the announcers were doing their pre-game show.
"They got the bye too," Jay added, earning a glare from Erin. "What? They did!" he added, laughing at her reaction.
"Yeah yeah. But just watch, the Seahawks are going to kick their asses! Especially Roger's aging ass."
Jay chuckled, knowing that her hatred of the Packers and Aaron Rogers hadn't waned a bit over the years. Whatever his reply was about to be was interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone.
"Did Voight call you?" Jay asked, looking at the caller I.D.
Erin checked her phone that was next to her and shook her head. "Nope. Why is Hank calling you?"
Jay shrugged, answering the call. "Halstead."
Really, Voight calling Jay first instead of her should've been her first clue that something had went down. If it was something personal, she knew that Voight would be reaching out to her first.
"What? You're serious." The sudden panic in Jay's voice got her attention and she looked over to him, face pale and eyes wide open.
"What's going on? What's wrong?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there," Jay spoke into the phone before hanging up and standing up frantically.
"Jay, what's wrong?"
The look on his face and the hands on his hips told her that something was seriously wrong.
"There's a hostage situation at Chicago Med and Will's inside."
A/N: Ugh, I almost threw up writing something positive about the Seahawks.
Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter and are looking forward to the next one.