TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of attempted suicide.
I own nothing except my delusions.
Emma couldn't help checking her phone, even knowing there wouldn't be any new messages for her, at least not from who she wanted to hear from.
She could barely say how much she missed Killian, not having any idea on how badly his absence would affect her. She wanted to give him the space he desired, wondering if she had pushed him too much. He'd been doing well, handling the town and the crises so easily that she hadn't given it a thought that he was slowly becoming overwhelmed. Wanting to do what was best for him, she had agreed to let him have his space away from everyone, including her.
She just hadn't realized how much she had come to rely on Killian, whether it was his unwavering support of her or the gentle way he would touch her or his smiles. She never expected the painful hole in her chest that him not being with her would bring.
Worry had constantly twisted her stomach in the week since she'd seen him, wondering how he was doing. The couple messages she had received from him did little to calm her. She had gone by the cabin once a couple days before during the day to see what he needed in way of food, only to discover with a pang that he'd barely returned, the food mostly left untouched. Already knowing he had not been to his usual spots that he frequented, she wanted to at least see him, to at least have some way to know that he was okay, even if she couldn't actually be with him.
She missed her dragon.
Hardly able to focus on the book in front of her, she rubbed at her eyes, wondering when David would be back from patrol.
None of them could find anything to identify the exact identity of their witch, putting them all on edge. Regina had grown impatient with both the situation and Emma's magic lessons, snapping at everyone in sight. Henry was the only one safe from her, but it didn't prevent him from being cautious around her.
Henry and even David had become more solemn, both of them missing Killian. Mary Margaret had even lost some of her light, her smiles not coming as easily.
Emma knew that besides the witch, it was because they were missing someone.
Refocusing on her book, she tried reading another passage before feeling herself snapping, throwing the book across the room.
David looked at her in surprise, the object nearly hitting him as he walked into the station.
"Sorry," Emma said as she rested her forehead in her hands.
He nodded in understanding, picking up the book and setting it back on the edge of her desk.
"I know," he said quietly. "I know we're supposed to be looking for the witch, but I've been looking for something to help Killian, too."
"There has to be something," she sighed. "I wish he would talk to me at least. That I can at least know he's okay."
"You miss him," he responded gently.
She nodded. "Yeah, I do. I get it, that maybe he finally just got so overwhelmed with everything he needs a break, but I want to know he's okay."
She caught David's helpless expression, making her own emotions sink further.
"I know he wanted space, but I think I'm gonna try to go over there tonight," she told him.
Sighing, he nodded. "It's all you can do. And what's bad is you can't even really be mad at him. With everything Gold did to him, sometimes I'm amazed that Killian's done this well."
She nodded in agreement, thinking of the man she met in the prison Gold had designed for him.
"You wanna take off?" David asked her. "Get some food or something. It'd do you good."
After silently debating, she nodded. "You sure?"
"Go ahead," he said, moving to hug her as she stood.
Emma relaxed into his hug, feeling comfort at his hand cradling her head like she imagined he did when she was a baby before they were separated.
"I'm sorry," she murmured.
"Don't be," he responded just a quietly.
She sighed as she pulled away. "I didn't think I would ever take off work like this because of relationship problems."
"Hey, at least you're not risking starting a war," he replied lightly.
She laughed despite herself. Nodding once more in thanks, she left the station, suddenly feeling lost. She didn't know where she was supposed to go, her usual refuge unavailable.
Inhaling, she decided on the next best thing to let her be close to Killian in some way.
The cool air of the docks was a comfort, the smell of the sea engulfing her. Idly, she found the bench she and Killian had sat at during their first date. Sitting, she wrapped her jacket more tightly around herself, letting the sound of the waves and gulls wash over her. Part of her idly wondered when the weather would change, the early October air carrying a bitter chill.
Sitting there, she made a plan, deciding to go to the cabin just after sunset, praying that he would be there. She had no idea what she would say if she got the actual opportunity to talk to him.
She smiled sadly, thinking how Killian was the one that was good with his words.
Seeing the sun beginning to descend below the horizon, she rose from her seat, ready to walk back to the sheriff's station to retrieve her car. She found herself mentally steeling herself the entire time, unsure of that she would face if she saw Killian. She quickly ruled out getting anything for herself to eat, her stomach twisting too much from nerves to think about getting anything down.
Somehow the drive seemed much longer than usual, the path darker. The back of her mind reminded her it was a new moon, telling herself it wasn't an omen.
Emma nearly laughed in relief as she caught sight of a low light in the cabin, meaning he was there. Her joy quickly faded as she killed the engine, wondering how she would be received.
Nervously, she left her car, moving slowly up to the cabin. She was surprised as she moved to open the door, finding herself unable to turn the knob.
Killian never locked the door, always leaving it open for her.
Biting her lip, she swallowed the little bit of hurt she felt.
"Killian?" she called as she knocked. "Killian? It's me."
She silently waited, hoping she would hear something from him. Relief washed over her as she suddenly heard movement behind the door. The knowledge that he was so close was enough.
"Killian," she began again, fighting to keep her voice steady, "I just wanted to know you're okay. Just talk to me? I've…"
She suddenly trailed off, speaking becoming difficult. Her voice was faint as she forced the words out, knowing they were true. "I've missed you."
She closed her eyes as she waited, feeling defeated. She knew he was just on the other side of the door, just out of reach.
Sighing, she moved to pull away right before she heard the faint sound of a lock clicking, followed by the noise of the door being opened.
Her breath caught as she spun around, seeing Killian for the first in what she felt like was a long time.
His eyes appeared to brighten for a beat before he became guarded, closed off.
Tentatively stepping forward, she saw he looked exhausted, dark shadows dimming his normally bright eyes. He was pale, yet she didn't notice any physical changes to indicate he wasn't well.
He lacked his jacket, usually keeping it on despite being inside, a custom she guessed that had come from years ago. Instead, he wore his waistcoat unbuttoned, hanging open over his shirt with his sleeves rolled up. She had never seen him so undressed before.
Despite everything, she found herself moving forward until she was able to wrap her arms around him, his scent surrounding her as her body pressed against his. His arms held her just as tightly, making her smile as she felt him bury his nose in her hair.
"Swan," he whispered, his voice a caress.
His arms suddenly loosened, pulling away from her.
"We were all worried about you," she told him quietly. "I was worried about you."
He smiled, but she knew it was a facade. "I'm fine, love."
She eyed him, suddenly feeling on edge, somehow knowing something was about to happen. "No, you're not. What's wrong?"
"It… just all became too much," he replied. "Too many people, too much happening, it became too overwhelming."
Emma swallowed, her superpower telling her it was only a half-truth.
Her uneasiness growing, she forced herself to smile. "That's okay, you know? We can take things slow again, like when you first came here."
Killian's expression suddenly became pained as he shook his head, moving farther away from her. "No, no. I'm sorry Emma, but I can't do this. Any of it. Not anymore."
She froze, shocked as the meaning of his words sunk into her. "You're- you're breaking up with me?"
Out of every scenario she imagined, none had consisted of Killian wanting to end things with her, to completely retreat in on himself.
"Aye- no," he said before violently shaking his head as he kept his back to her. "I don't know."
Her limbs felt like ice as she stared at him. Unexpected pain rose in her unlike anything she had ever experienced, settling right beneath her breastbone. She had only felt a similar feeling once before, when the man who was supposed to love her sold her out.
That incident had been tinged with anger, helping to lessen some of her pain. Standing across the room from Killian, all she felt was hurt.
"Why?" she asked in a tight voice. "What happened? What changed? Killian, please, just talk to me."
"I forgot!" he suddenly yelled as he rounded back on her. "You're mortal, Emma! I forgot about it until you were in that bloody hospital almost killed by that bloody beast!"
Taken aback at his outburst, she stared at him in shock. "What?"
"I was foolish enough to think that I might actually have a chance here," he said in a broken voice. "That day, seeing you hurt like that, then you looking so fragile in that hospital, I remembered everything. What this curse really is."
Emma forced herself to move, wanting to go to him, but he held up a hand, halting her.
"When Rumplestiltskin first cursed me, I didn't think about how long I was in there," he forced out. "I marked each cycle I had, but I didn't think anything of the time passing. I had no way of telling the days. I didn't even know originally the transformations went with the sun.
"He kept an eye on all of the members of my crew," he continued, moving to sit so he was in front of the fire in the hearth.
Emma knew the chill he was feeling had nothing to do with the temperature, familiar with the feeling herself.
"He would tell me when each of them died," Killian told her. "Some in battle, one in a fight in a tavern. Some of them managed to settle in and have families, getting to die in their own beds.
"I finally understood when the last member of my crew had died. He had only been a boy when we took him in, and he died of old age in his home surrounded by his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. I finally understood that I'd been cursed with immortality. That I would never get to be with Liam and Milah again, that I lost everyone I'd ever known."
Her throat tight, Emma could only stay where she was, watching him as she realized she was finally seeing all of Killian, including everything he had ever hidden from everyone.
"I wanted it to end," he said faintly. "I tried everything, but nothing worked."
"What do you mean?" she asked, already knowing what he was about to tell her.
"It wasn't for lack of trying," he said, unable to meet her eyes. "I tried everything I could think of. My neck would break only to instantly heal. Same when I tried to bleed myself out. Any injury, no matter how fatal, just healed, like nothing ever happened.
"I tried some more unconventional methods. The Crocodile left an enchantment, providing food everyday. He thought it would be amusing, leaving a live sheep for his pet dragon to slaughter and kill for food. One day, I decided to stop it. I tried starving myself. I kept a clear head despite the pain, realizing that even as long as I went without sustenance, I never weakened or thinned. I was only causing myself pain for no reason."
Tears stung at Emma's eyes, her chest aching for him, hating that she never saw how much he was hurting behind his facade.
She never cared much for Gold, even disliking him, but she had never truly hated him until that moment.
Shame filled Killian's voice, his eyes refusing to meet hers. "I stopped after a while. There was no point. I knew I was never gonna get out of there. Then, you came, and I thought that maybe if I couldn't do it myself, someone else could do it for me."
Emma felt as if she had ice water poured over her, his words sinking in. All of his actions the day they met suddenly made sense, his taunting, how he always remained close enough for her to strike but never moving to attack her, only egging her on.
She knew she should have been absolutely furious at him for trying to use her, but she couldn't find herself to hold any anger at him, instead only feeling pain for him.
The feeling doubled when she realized he expected her to be angry, to storm out and leave him.
Moving suddenly became easy, her feet carrying her to his side where she suddenly fell down so she was with him. Afraid to scare him, she slowly raised her hand, gently resting it against his cheek.
He leaned onto her touch, bringing his own hand up to cover hers. "I can't lose you, too."
"You won't," she told him, her voice soft yet fierce.
He shook his head, keeping her hand to his cheek. "I will. It might not be by this witch, but one day I'll lose you."
Opening his eyes, Emma's breath was nearly taken away at the hurt and desperation in them.
"You know any monster that comes I can help protect you from," he said. "I can protect you from any witch, any monster, anyone that wants to hurt you. But I can't protect you from time."
Feeling the threat of tears burning her eyes, Emma leaned into him, pulling his face to hers. The kiss was unlike anything she had ever experienced before, hurt making them clutch each other.
Instead of letting her take control like he usually did, Killian nearly crushed her to his chest, tilting their heads to deepen the kiss. His tongue ran along the seam of her lips, to which she gave him entrance with a small moan, burying her free hand in his dark hair.
It felt good to hold him again and kiss him, but it was far from the reunion she imagined.
Both their breathing was heavy when they finally broke apart, their arms holding each other too tightly to pull away.
"You deserve more than I can give you," he whispered. "I want you to have everything, Emma. To have a husband who loves you more than anything and you can grow old with. To be able to have a family. I can't give you any of that. That's why I disappeared. I had hoped that if I weren't there, you would have a chance."
Releasing a shuddering breath, she forced herself to meet his eyes.
"You told me once you've yet to see me fail," she reminded him. "Trust me when I tell you we'll find some way to end this. I don't care if it's the last thing I do. We'll find some way to break this curse."
"I do trust you," he exhaled. "But I don't want you wasting your life for me."
"Isn't that for me to decide?" she asked him. "And I wouldn't be wasting it."
She kissed him again, her body rocking into his. He pulled her impossibly closer, right into his lap, pushing his palm against the small of her back.
Heat that had nothing to do with the fire warmed her, making her rock into him again.
He suddenly stilled beneath her, pulling away slightly. His eyes met hers in silent question.
She nodded, moving back to kiss him again.
His hands hesitantly went to her jacket, pushing it from her shoulders until it fell behind her.
"Wait," he suddenly said quietly, pulling away slightly as her hands went to push off his waistcoat. "Not here."
She looked back at him in confusion, unable to help feel some slight rejection.
Killian stood up before suddenly pulling her up to stand with him. She was taken by surprise when he suddenly lifted her, prompting Emma to wrap her legs around his waist and her arms around his shoulders. She could feel the strength of his arms and back beneath her, belying his true strength, as well as feel evidence that he wanted her.
"I don't want us to do this right here," he muttered against her lips. "You deserve to have a bed, for us to do this properly."
Sighing, she kissed him again, letting him carry her to the bedroom he only used to store his clothes. She suddenly felt a wave of self consciousness, realizing she hadn't shaved her legs or was wearing the most exciting underwear or that it had been a while for her when she realized it didn't matter. Killian wanted her and she wanted him, and he'd been celibate much longer than she had. It was about him just as much as her.
He didn't stop her as she finally pushed his waistcoat off, the material falling to the floor. Feeling his hands creeping under her shirt, she lifted her arms, letting him tug it over her head and toss it away. She reached behind her back to unsnap her bra, letting it fall away before he could ask her how to undo it.
She smiled when he groaned as he looked at her, pulling him back in to kiss him again.
Trying to keep focused on removing him of his own clothes as his hands and lips began to wander over her skin, down to her neck to her shoulders and lower, she managed to undo the rest of the buttons of his shirt, pulling it free from the waist of his pants and pushing it off. She delighted in the feel of his skin pressed to hers, of the hair that smattered across his chest lightly scratching against her skin.
She ran her hands up his strong arms, feeling the muscles in his biceps as she reached up to his shoulders before shifting down towards his back. She noticed with a small start that his skin was textured with what felt like multiple long scars.
Killian suddenly froze, gently pulling away as he released her to stand on her own.
"Sorry," he said, sounding almost ashamed.
Reaching behind him, he grabbed onto the shirt, careful not to expose his back to her as he began to shrug it back on.
Emma stepped forward, resting a hand on his shoulder to stop him. She met his eyes as he stilled, uncertainty battling with desire in his own as he stared back at her. Silently, she moved behind him, gentle as she pulled the shirt away again, revealing his back to her.
Scars ran across the expanse of his back, starting at his shoulders and disappearing just under the top of his jeans. There was no particular pattern, only long lines, some of which were jagged. They were pale in the moonlight, long since healed.
Feeling her breath caught in her lungs, Emma raised her hand to lightly run her finger along one of the worst, a jagged line that crossed his spine as she saw she was looking at evidence of multiple floggings.
She swallowed, realizing just how hard Killian's life had been.
She pressed a tender kiss to the scar she had just traced, feeling him relax under her touch.
"It's okay," she murmured. "I have scars, too."
He shifted under her hands, turning so that he was facing her. His hand cradling her head, he pressed his lips back to hers. She could taste relief and something else in his kiss, something she wasn't sure she was ready to name.
They made quick work of their remaining garments, with him helping her out of her boots and the both of them helping discarding the others pants, leaving them bare to each other. Looking down his body, she saw other various scars decorated his skin, more evidence of a difficult life. Slowly so he could see her movements, she gently touched a long scar over his ribs, knowing from the pattern it to be from a stab wound.
She swallowed hard as she felt his hand rest against her cheek, making her look up at him. She watched his face relax as he saw her eyes, knowing he wouldn't see anything but affection and even some sadness and anger that he had ever been hurt.
Keeping her eyes locked with his, she felt them flutter closed when she pressed her lips to his. His hand shifting to thread through her hair, he pulled her closer to him. He guided her to the bed where she collapsed back, pulling him down with her.
Gripping onto his back, she tried to pull his warm body closer to hers, wanting to feel his skin pressed directly against hers, when she felt his hand drift down her body. She released a strangled cry when she suddenly felt him begin intimately stoking her, causing her to dig her nails into his back.
He stopped her as she reached to grasp him, shifting his hips away.
"I'm afraid I won't last long if you do that, love," he whispered against her lips. "It's been a long time since I've done this."
She couldn't help her tender smile, understanding that he was taking care of her first. It was unlike anything she'd ever experienced, all of her previous partners only worried about taking their own pleasure before deciding they were done.
He tore his mouth from hers, moving to kiss along the line of her neck before trailing down until he reached her breasts. One of her hands moved to his dark hair, her nails lightly scratching at his scalp as he continued to kiss and stroke her until she felt herself fall, her grip tightening on him as her legs wrapped around him.
Killian quickly moved back up so he could kiss her again, helping to quiet her cry. Resting his forehead to hers, he released a shuddering breath as she helped to guide him into her.
Emma sighed, feeling his body pressed to hers with him inside of her. She finally understood all of the cliches she'd always scoffed at, feeling how they fit perfectly together and how it felt so right being with him, that she never felt more complete than she did in that moment.
Opening her eyes, she saw his own bright blue focused on her, watching her reactions. She lightly traced his brow with the tips of her fingers, smiling when he leaned into her. Reaching up, she drew him back in for another kiss while pressing her hand to his scarred lower back to urge him to move. It was impossible for be closer than they were at that moment, but she felt it was nowhere near close enough.
She felt herself building up again with each of his thrusts until the moment she fell, with him following her with her name on his lips.
His head falling to her shoulder, she felt his chest heaving against hers as they tried to catch their breath.
"Was that okay?" he asked quietly, the unsurety in his voice warming her chest.
Smiling gently, she kissed him before responding. "More than okay."
Killian gave her a toothy grin before she kissed him again.
She missed his weight as soon as he shifted off of her, only for him to pull her to his chest as he settled on the bed. She nestled happily against him, feeling secure as his arms wrapped around her.
Emma was breaking all of the rules she'd ever made for herself, including cuddling and knowing fully well that she was staying the night in his bed.
He released her only to draw a blanket over them, knowing they would become chilled without it.
She drew him closer to her so she could kiss him again. "Is this okay?"
He nodded. "Aye, love. It is."
Relaxing, Emma felt his heart beating beneath her cheek, the sound one of the most calming things she'd ever heard.
"Sleep, Swan," Killian murmured against her hair. "I be right here with you."
His words pulling her under, she slipped her eyes closed as she cuddled closer into his warm body.
Slowly opening her eyes, Emma smiled, memories of her and Killian's activities at the forefront of her mind. Taking in her surroundings, she saw it was still dark, letting her know it was still late, as well as realizing she wasn't alone in the bed.
Peering down, she saw Killian laying with his arms wrapped around her, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. Her smile widened as she realized he was asleep, that he was sleeping with her. For the first time since she met him, he looked truly at peace.
Cautious not to wake him, Emma settled back into the position she had been in before she woke, resting her head back on his chest where she could feel his steady heartbeat. His hand covered hers on his chest even in slumber, holding her close to him.
She let the gentle rise and fall of his chest as well as the beating of his heart lull her back to sleep.
Authors note: So because I can practically hear you all screaming at me, I want to just give you all some of my reasoning for this, this being the chapter I've debated on for literally months before I asked you all how dark is too dark. I read a LOT, my usual go-to genre being fantasy, and something I've noticed in not just books but even in movies and shows and other media, is that immortality is very romanticized. The idea of never dying is always glamorized, but the downside is never really spoken about. Once Upon a Time did touch on this with Rumple in the final season, but it was very slight it seemed to me. In here I wanted to touch on it more, where Killian has literally lost everything, and he knows that he will most likely lose everything all over again because of his curse, and in a way it will be even worse because he will be with them all as they eventually age and pass yet is unable to do so himself. All things considered, immortality is a scary concept. Even in the show, Killian never actually went for immortality, he just wanted to live long enough to find a way to kill Rumple. I'm hoping this makes sense to everyone, and hope you all at least kind of enjoyed the chapter?
Teaser: Emma nodded, suddenly feeling herself unsure. "Are we okay?"
Review?