Chapter 33 - Goodbye
I did not know what death would feel like, despite having felt death dozens of other times while being the anchor. I thought it would feel painful, and there would be more screaming. But, there was none of that. There was only silence. Even those nagging thoughts that used to plague my mind have been silenced.
It was peaceful. Quiet.
Until the sky began to open. I saw a deep purple begin to tear open from above. A blinding light soon leaked in and I closed my eyes shut, wincing.
When I noticed the light was gone, I opened them and stood face-to-face with the Lasser Glass.
Unlike before, when the Lasser Glass felt like a living breathing being, now I felt nothing. I saw myself in the mirror surrounded by blackness.
I stayed quiet for a long while as I watched the magical mirror. As I gazed at my reflection, I noticed something shimmer in my hand. I looked down at it.
I was holding the piece of glass that Sara rammed into Izanagi's neck. The same one that I stabbed into my chest.
"I get it." I said to the mirror, feeling the smooth shard of glass in the palm of my hand. Suddenly, it made perfect sense why I was sent to this strange purgatory. I had to make one, final, decision.
Would I put all of this behind me and truly restore the Lasser Glass, or would I choose to take the power again.
A deep and far away emotion spike through my blood. How dare it believe I wanted anything to do with this thing when it was the reason everything was taken from me. Fuck the Lasser Glass.
I clenched my teeth together as pieces of what had happened, of why I had to die, flashed before my eyes. I looked back into my reflection and watched my shoulders rise and fall from the deep breathes I was suddenly taking.
Glaring into the mirror, I squeezed the shard of glass harder and felt it splitting my skin.
"Will making the 'right' choice make any real difference?" I growled into the mirror. I didn't care if it made me look as if I had gone mad. "Will it bring Naru back? Or me, for that matter?!"
I was screaming now, pressed up close to the glass until I pounded my fists against it. "Will it erase the past? HUH! My decision doesn't matter! My decision never fucking mattered. Naru is gone. He died because of me!"
A brutal and violent sob ripped through me as I gazed into the mirror, at my reflection. "Naru is dead because of you!" I clamped down on that inner rage.
I hated the Lasser Glass.
Breathing heavily, I lifted the piece of glass. "It makes me laugh that you believe I have a choice at all."
There was a long, drawn out moment of nothing but silence. I heard my heart beating fast in my chest from the outburst. My pulse started to slow. All that anger was now turning into ice within me. Cold, emptiness threatened to take over.
Behind me, from the reflection, I watched someone walk out from the darkness. I did not turn to greet him as I would have any other time. I only watched his reflection as Gene walked towards me.
"It's an erie thing," Gene said. "This elusive Lasser Glass."
My bad mood must have been coming off my in waves. As happy as I was to see Gene here, I remembered those feelings from the living realm. The betrayal and utter rage. Screaming at the glass had removed some of that pent up frustration.
Gene noticed my hand, noticed the blood dripping from my cut open palm and his eyes narrowed at my hands. "Mai, is that the piece of the Lasser Glass?"
I hadn't felt the sharp pain. It only felt like a dull ache, just like everything else had. Those emotions that seemed to control me moments ago were now out of my system completely. I wanted to be mad, wanted to be upset and, yet, even that choice was being taken away from me.
I blinked past the tears. I felt empty and hollow inside, my voice sounded defeated. "Why are you here, Gene?"
"I don't know. I felt something… almost pulling at me to find you." said Gene. "I know you're still angry, and you have every right to be. I don't know why I ended up here but I'm glad I did."
I believed what he was saying. Selfishly, I believe that I was completely entitled to still be upset and mad at the twins. It was true, I had every right.
Gene continued, "I know you don't want to hear this, so I'm just going to say it anyway. I don't want to lose you, Mai. When Noll left, I warned him not to take the key. I tried to get him to see past the pride, but he was too stubborn to admit he had feelings for you back then. When we found out you were...not doing well, I should have tried harder to get him here. I'm so sorry for hurting you."
I took a deep breath out. "You made it seem like you had no idea, when I first told you about the depression - about the pills. I trusted you Gene, and you lied to me."
There was moisture glistening in Gene's blue-grey eyes. His voice trembled. "I'm sorry, Mai."
I turned back around to look at our reflections through the Lasser Glass.
Gene frantically continued. "I love you," he blurted. "I've always loved you. I know it's wrong and delusional. But I truly care about you, I always have. There are no words to explain how sorry I am, or how awful I feel because your last living memory of me was….that."
Slowly, I pressed the piece of shard into the mirror as I said, "it doesn't matter anymore. I'm dead. Naru is dead. The curse is broken. None of it matters anymore."
The Lasser Glass rippled in response to the shard like black water when, moments ago, I had been pounding my fist on the surface. No matter what I did, it did not break. It had felt like hitting concrete and now I watched as that dark, smooth surface turned into water.
The piece of glass slipped within the mirror and it shimmered again. The surface, shimmering and rippling like a black sea, seemed to become a portal and allowed a familiar black-haired ancient deity step through.
Izanami looked exactly as she had the last time I saw her. Traditional shinto-styled clothes and hair, a beautiful oval face, pale skin and long black hair.
"That's Izanami," I said and Gene blinked a few times in disbelief at the female standing in front of him.
Izanami kept her dark, ancient gaze on me. In a hard, empty voice I said, "are you here to drag me back to the underworld?"
Gene had the good sense to looked shocked, I saw his head in my peripheral snap towards me.
Izanami's gaze was calm, "No. I can feel your anger and it would make my peaceful world too chaotic. I sense that you are no longer afraid of death, child."
The statement took me by surprise. It reminded me of a conversation I had long ago, once with Kitzune. He had told me I was afraid of death, and I denied it when I truly was afraid to die.
"I'm not afraid of it anymore."
Izanami said, "when you no longer fear death, you can truly live. Your soul does not belong to my world, or in the purgatory world. You'll find that living a life without fear of death is a blessing than a curse."
It took awhile for what she was saying to make sense. Slowly, I absorbed the words.
"You're saying that I can go back."
It was a trap. Some misguided attempt to make my crossover more peaceful. Besides, it didn't matter if I could go back. Naru would still be dead.
Gene said, "Noll isn't truly dead."
My head whipped back around to the glass, which was reading my thoughts. Naru was...alive? How? Why?
"He's wasn't on that side...and the Gates, I saw them. I didn't feel him Passover. I think he may still be alive," said Gene.
I turned back to Izanami, eyes wide.
She said, "It takes great inner strength to look within the Lasser Glass and not be frightened at what truly lies beyond. The mirror is a veil to the other-side, a window into what lies beyond the grave. By restoring the Lasser Glass, it has granted you a final gift: a life for a life."
A life for a life. I almost laughed. It couldn't be that easy, not when everything had been so convoluted and complicated thus far.
"Will I have memories about what happened?" Another thought struck me quickly. "Or be able to access the Dark Lands?"
"Your esper abilities will remain. Your memories will remain of your time as the anchor, however I can make it so those around you cannot remember. If that is what you want." Izanami said.
I looked away as I considered the possibility of having Naru forget about all of this. It was what I wanted when I made the deal with Kitzune, as some misguided attempt at protecting Naru. It no longer mattered if Naru remembered or not.
Besides, I knew that when I returned, things were not going to return to normal. I almost wished that maybe she could take my memories away, to make me forget about the things that happened. Especially what happened between the twins and I.
While I pondered this choice, Izanami said to Gene and I. "I'm going to save you a lot of pain later on: Mai, no matter how hard you will wish to forget, you will have to face the hurt and betrayal of what happened. For Eugene and Oliver, no matter how much they do not want to lose you - they will."
Gene's face remained covered in shadows. "If it's true, I'll always be there for you Mai. No matter what."
A tear slipped from my eye as I looked away from Gene and up at Izanami. "I'm ready to go."
Izanami took this as my decision: to leave everything as it was. She nodded. "Very well. The decision is made. Let it be known that the Lasser Glass will no longer belong in your world. The anchor has been restored to a natural state. And, you are free to live the rest of your days. I look forward to seeing you in the Otherworld after you've passed, child."
She turned, giving me a final farewell look as she stepped towards the Lasser Glass. Izanami disappeared through the mirror, back to her domain in the Otherworld.
Gene gave me an unreadable look and I said, "I need time. And space. Please, just give me those."
He didn't have time to respond because the scene before me burst into a black mist that swirled around on a phantom wind.
From far away, I felt someone talking to me. There was a loud noise, perhaps the sound of buzzing or beeping. It was definitely a beeping, like the whirring of a machine.
The voice became clearer, and as I tried to open my eyes I was blinded by the bright lights. I squeezed my eyes shut, pinching my face in distaste.
"Thank God, you're awake," A female voice said. "I was so worried."
"Ay-ako?" I said, slowly. More and more of the world started to piece together. I was laying on a hospital bed. I looked at my arm, which was taped up with tubes that lead to a nearby IV machine that was also monitoring my vitals. The machine unpleasantly whirred in the background.
Once my surroundings and sense returned, I instantly remembered what happened. I remembered the fight at the apartment, the twins coming to find me.
"Lie back down," Ayako's hands pressed firmly on my shoulders as I, indeed, tried to sit up. "You'll give yourself a headache."
"Is he...alive?"
The words came out barely a whisper, but it felt like I had managed them. The overwhelming sadness hit me hard and tears sprung at my eyes. There was a gentle pressure at the side of my bed, someone held my hand in theirs. It was Masako.
"He's alive." She said, and I think she understood, in that moment, that I didn't need to know if he was okay or not. All I needed to know was that he was alive.
Naru was alive.
I cried more. It felt stupid and useless of me, but that was all I could do. Masako let me sob into her shoulder.
^.^
A few more days passed, and I was cleared to leave. Masako had helped check me out of the hospital.
"Yasu will drive us home," She said to me. "Are you sure you don't want to see Naru?"
Everyone had been asking me that question lately. He was in the same hospital, but I had no desire to see him. I hadn't wanted to deal with that yet. Not yet, not when I still felt so volatile about it.
I lied and shook my head. "I just want him to rest."
Masako gave me a concerned look before slipping out and saying she was going to check on Yasu. When he arrived, he brought me to my apartment. Masako and Yasu helped me upstairs to my complex.
I stepped through the door, halting as I stared at the space. It felt empty, but I still saw Naru and Gene standing in the living room, the same way I saw them when I had screamed at them.
The vision darted past my eyes in a moment, then it was gone.
Yasu said, "Is everything okay?"
I rubbed my eyes, "Y-yeah. I'm fine. Just a little tired."
"Go lay down Mai, we'll bring you something to drink." Masako said and I didn't argue. I quickly took off my hospital gown (since my clothes had ended up being shredded during my...transition) and into a pair of loose pants and shirt.
It took Yasu and Masako some time before they came into the room with a cup of tea and a sandwich. I had wondered why it would take so long to make something so simple but I saw the concerned look on their faces.
"What?" I accused them, instantly.
Masako was the first to speak. "Is...everything alright? Between you and Naru?"
"Usually, you would want to see the big boss. I guess we're just trying to make sure you're okay." Yasu clarified.
I didn't say anything. Not sure how to tell them that I was, ultimately being selfish. I didn't want to talk to Naru, didn't want anything to do with him.
In my silence, Masako said. "His parents are here, in Tokyo. They are going to be taking him back to England. I'm just afraid that if something happened between you two that you'll not get the chance to see him off."
I was not expecting to do this, to come to terms with these turmoil feelings inside of me. Least of all to anyone else besides Naru and Gene.
"I can't," I finally grounded out, not realizing that I was gripping the bed sheets between my fists. "I don't want to see him."
Yasu and Masako glanced at one another before Yasu came closer to me near the bed. He leaned down on his knees. "What happened, Mai? Whatever it is, we're here for you."
I thought about it so many times. How could I explain? Was it selfish of me to want to stay away when all this time I had wanted Naru to be close to me?
A stray tear slipped down my cheek as a vision of Naru, on his knees before me, flashed through my memory. My hands shook as I wiped the tears away. "Naru lied to me."
The sobs broke through my facade, along with the words that I couldn't stop. "He knew about the depression, the pills. He was watching me from England, using psychometry on my mom's special key that I gave you once, Masako."
Masako put a hand to her mouth, "Oh my…I-I'm so sorry, Mai."
"I know… I know it's selfish but I didn't want any of you to see that side of me and none of you did, none of you knew which is what I wanted. That was my choice. Naru took that choice away from me and he watched as that ...darkness took over. He didn't even call, didn't even consider coming back unless he found a way by using the SPR. That's why he took this case, and because of it I had to...do such awful things to spirits. And I died. Part of my soul broke while I harbored the curse.
When I think of Naru, all I think of is this anger and betrayal. I hate him for what he did. I hate him so much….but I still can't shake those stupid feelings that I love this man. I love him so much, Masako, it hurts!"
Masako hugged me as the sobs bent me forward and made my shoulders shake. All I did was hold her and cry more into her shoulder.
In a broken voice, I said. "Why?"
Yasu rubbed my arm. "It's not selfish, Mai. I once told you that you deserve happiness. It's going to hurt a lot, but you need to heal. And if letting him go is the way to do it, then so be it. You'll have us here to help you through this, no matter what."
It was a simple solution. Get rid of what would hurt me, rid myself of the things dragging me down so that I could find happiness.
It reminded me of what Izanami told me: that there will be pain, but also the twins would have to lose me, whether or not they wanted to.
I took an unsteady breath out. I knew what I had to do.
^.^
The next day, I took myself to the hospital. I had mostly acted on impulse, but knew that I had to get this over with. For not only my sake, but for Naru's. I had a feeling he was waiting for me to see him before he left, which was why he was still here.
After asking around for what room 'Oliver Davis' was in, I gently knocked on his room before opening his door.
Inside, I saw Luella and Martin at Naru's bed. Naru was sitting up, a book on his lap and an annoyed look planted on his face. It was strange to see Naru in anything other than black. The light blue hospital gown did a number on his eyes.
"Oh," I said as the Davis' got up. "I'm sorry, I can come back -"
"Don't be silly, come here!." Luella said, beckoning me over. I padded to where she was and Luella gave me a gentle hug. "We were so worried about you two. Lin called and told us everything."
Everything? I hadn't known how much Masako had known, or Ayako for that matter. I didn't bother to ask and felt too guilty to bring it up. It had only been a couple days and things were...a mess to say the least.
"I'm sorry," I said and I meant it. There wasn't much else to say other than that.
"Do you think 'sorry' will change the past?" Martin said in a harsh tone. "It won't."
Luella turned on him, "Martin!"
"I'm just saying, what's done is done. Now, we need to focus on moving forward from this." Martin said. "We need to get you back to England as soon as possible, son. The medical expenses are through the roof. Are you listening to me, Oliver?"
"Yes." Naru gritted his teeth.
Luella added, "There's plenty of home-care once we return. We can make sure you're properly taken care of."
I let the thick silence go on for some time before I said, "if you don't mind: can I have a couple minutes alone with him?"
Luella and Martin looked at one another, then Luella nodded. "Of course. We'll go grab some lunch."
I waited for them to shut the door behind before I turned to Naru.
He gave me a dark, suspicious look. "Do I have to go nine rounds with you as well? I will."
"I'm not here to fight with you." I said, surprising myself. It would be easy to yell at him while he was like this. I, truly, did not want to fight or yell anymore. I just wanted to heal. I moved to his bed, sitting next to him.
Naru watched my every move. Behind his calm demeanor I could sense there was a flurry of emotions. His control was firmly back in place it seemed.
My gaze drifted to his arm that was in a sling, and I could make out the extra padding just below his left collarbone, where he was hit by a bullet.
Naru followed my gaze, "it's not as bad as it looks."
I lifted my eyes back to his and found him staring at me as he usually did. It was an idle, content stare. Something was forming behind those violet eyes though, I could see the uneasiness in them.
"I never meant for this to happen." Naru said, "I put all of us at risk and it nearly cost us our lives. I can't help but think that you were right. If I hadn't come back here, we never would have had to deal with this in the first place. You would have never had to...go through that."
"Is that what we're going to do now? Play 'pretend it didn't happen'?" Naru did not answer me, so I said. "None of that matters anymore. All that matters is we move forward from this, just like your father said."
A long silence stretched out between us before Naru spoke again. "I'm sorry for putting you in danger. I know you must think lowly of me. I don't blame you. I...did an awful thing and I can't take that back."
A wave washed over me when Naru's hand gently clasped on top of mine. I blinked down at them, before breathing again.
"I wasn't honest with you, not in the way that mattered. I wasn't there for you. It was pride that brought me back to Japan, and I was reluctant to admit that I wanted to come back because I was worried about you. Every time I tried to get you out of my head and forget, memories kept bringing me back and I couldn't understand why. When I was shown that you had died, or that something could have taken you away… everything clicked into place. Even the thought of losing you was unbearable."
The silence stretched on and I had to control those emotions that threatened to take over. I clenched my teeth from the burning in my cheeks.
"I may not understand these feelings. I may not be good at it, and I know I hurt you but ….I love you, Mai."
Oh Gods, no.
I felt myself sway a little. Never had I thought I would hear those words from Naru's mouth. I had never thought that Naru would kiss me either, but that happened too. All of this was too much, too much too soon. I wanted Naru to love me like I loved him. I still love him. But I couldn't be with him when, inside, I felt...so empty.
My heart was hammering in my gut. I swallowed, hard and said quietly. "You may not want to lose me Naru. But, you're going to."
It felt surreal to be the one saying this to Naru, but I had to make things right.
"I've always loved you, Naru and I always will. You've helped me heal from the broken person I was when you came back. Honestly, if you didn't come back, I might have very well just killed myself. I was in a dark place without you. But, when I look at you all I feel is anger and betrayal. When I look at you, all I can think of are the times I was stuck in that dark place and you watched from afar. It's selfish, but I don't want to become that broken person again, not when I've never felt stronger and better than I ever have in years."
Naru was the master of control, he was so good at shutting everything down and willing himself into a neutral state. But I saw through some of that now, saw his pulse through his neck, and his breathing was deeper. His eyes started to glisten. He looked up at me, and I thought my heart would break into a hundred pieces right then and there. Naru had never looked so vulnerable and exposed. Well, he had once. When we found his brother's body… that was so long ago.
Emotions caught the words in my mouth, but I had to say them. A pressure pushed on my chest, making it feel like it was expanding and it was going to explode. In my head, this conversation had gone a very different way. It was easier to be mad at him, to let that darkness burst out from within me. Now that it wasn't there... I felt more like myself. I was empathetic by nature. It hurt me to no end knowing that Naru was in pain. I wanted to relieve that pain somehow, but if I did I would be sacrificing myself and I didn't want to do that anymore. It was selfish, but I had to come first. My health, my happiness had to come first.
My world was completely shattering. I knew this would be hard, but I did not imagine the unbearable physical pain of saying these words out loud.
Close your eyes, I told myself. Breathe.
I placed my hand on top of his and took a shaky breath in. Then I stood up.
"No matter how much I love you… I have to let you go. I have to heal, Naru and I need...time."
Saying those words to Gene, while I stood in limbo, was different than it was now. I felt nothing in that realm. It was a void that seemed to suck away all of my feelings and left behind a husk of a person. Saying them to Naru though, this was real. This was reality.
In a distant voice, Naru said. "If that's what you want."
I felt a tear fall onto my cheek and I choked back a sob. I wanted to say 'maybe we would find one another again' but I couldn't make that kind of promise. So instead, I said, "It is."
The summer was nearly over, everything would have ended soon between us anyway. This was just more a permanent reminder that our realities were not the same. Our lives were not on the same path. Not yet, anyways.
I leaned forward, cupping Naru's face. "Goodbye, Naru."
Then, I leaned down and kissed him gently. I wasn't expecting to feel his mouth move slowly against mine. This kiss, a final goodbye, was gut wrenching. I quickly pulled away.
And before I decided to take it all back, to instead tell Naru that I wanted him to stay, I turned and headed to the door.
This had to be final.
I closed my mind, my heart. Walking was agonizing and I counted the steps in my head as I made my way to the door. Tears streamed down my face and I felt a sob wanting to rip through my chest but I had to do this. I had to stay strong because this was the end of us - of Naru and I.
Three seconds, I thought. Just three more seconds to the door and I could make it through the hardest part.
3.
2.
1.
Goodbye, Naru.
^.^
A/C - I have really enjoyed writing this series. It's a bittersweet ending because this story has grown with me. Naru and Mai have been my favorite ship for so many years and I was too afraid I wouldn't do their relationship justice. I wanted to make it as realistic as possible. So, I hope you have all enjoyed reading this series as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
I also want to thank EVERY. ONE. of you for keeping this story going. It's honestly true what they say, writing is about the people. Without so many of your amazing, kind words I would have stopped a long time ago.
So thank you for seeing it to the end. I wanted to leave it at this chapter but, as a writer, there were too many unanswered questions. So there will be ONE more chapter to truly tie up this series.
Thank you for adding this story to your favorites, or following it throughout the years. I hope I will get to work with this fandom again because it's been such a pleasure to write for you all.
Cheers!