Chapter 29 – Smiling Through Tears

Bella was gone.

Rosalie was gone.

They were all gone… but life moved on; again.

I wasn't going to wallow in my grief like I had before. I needed to keep my strength, because I had to keep fighting. Rosalie made me promise her, and I fully intended to keep that promise. Somehow, someday, Bella and I would be together again.

In the meantime, I went to work like any other day, and I was gifted with a surprise promotion that I obtained on my own merit; unassisted by my father in any way. I hated my job, but the raise in pay made it a little more bearable and gave me an extra boost of confidence. Even if I didn't love it, I earned it, and that was something I never really experienced before in anything I ever did professionally or academically, and it felt damn good.

I continued with my life, day after day, week after week, but even without a partner or a fulfilling career, I refused to live vacantly. Rosalie and I had developed a busy way of life – always doing something or going somewhere, so I wanted to honor her by continuing that, even if I did those things alone.

My weekdays were busy with work, but every evening afterwards I went somewhere. I shot pool; sometimes with Kate and Garrett, but often alone when they were busy with family life. I tried more restaurants in the surrounding cities, and I spent many long days on the weekends going to the beach, or on hikes, or anywhere else I felt like.

Doing all of these little adventures solo was lonely in the beginning, but it wasn't long before I learned to talk to people, and strangers began to feel far less strange. I was making friends everywhere I went and learning more about myself along the way.

I still met up with Charlie every few weeks. We usually went to a ballgame or I joined in on his newfound love of bowling. We never spoke of Bella, except for him reassuring me she was doing well. I didn't want any details, and I think he understood why. Up until I met Bella, I was the person my parents wanted me to be. However, when I decided to pull away from them, I went straight into molding myself into whoever Bella and her alters needed. The truth was, without my parents hovering, or Bella's multiple needs, I wasn't sure who exactly I was. Bella's current focus was to heal herself, and mine had to be to get to know myself. We each needed time to discover ourselves on a deeper level apart from each other, and I was appreciative of that time. When we were ready, we would find our way back to each other.

When I felt like I wanted to broaden my horizons even more, I took some vacation time from work and went on a road-trip down to California. I had never been that far south before, and the long coastal highway had been on my bucket list for as long as I could remember.

It was magnificent.

Hours of winding cliffs with no company except the radio. I sang at the top of my lungs, and let the melodies awaken my long dormant love for music.

Some of the songs were slow and longing and made me think of Bella. The loud fun songs made me laugh at memories of Alice. And then Alanis Morissette came on and I couldn't help but bang my head to the beat and imagine Rosalie was there with me.

There were even a few songs that made me think of the baby we had lost – the little life that ended before it even had a chance to begin – and I couldn't help but wonder what could have been. But then Celine Dion would come on and belt out a power ballad and I was right back to feeling like Bella and I were capable of overcoming anything.

It made me smile to think that the playlist of my life with them was so vast in variety. We truly did live several lives in our short time together.

Once in southern California, I took a surfing lesson. The air was stale tasting compared to Washington; almost like it had gone bad in a way, but the sky was clear and warm, and those were two things that Washington beaches rarely were.

After I wiped-out more than I'd care to admit, I was randomly invited to play in a game of beach volleyball with some local college kids. Never had I ever felt that old in my life. They were all fitter, and tanner, and more muscular than me, but none of them could match my speed. When I helped my team into victory, both sides were fighting over who got to have me on their team next. I could only laugh and politely decline. One extremely aggressive game of shirtless volleyball in the scorching sand was enough for me.

Next, I walked along the downtown area and played bongos with a street performer. I sampled clam chowder, tasted several different unique ice cream flavors, and rented a bike to tour a few miles of the coastal path there. Everything I did and saw reminded me of Bella, but funny enough, the more I missed her, the more it was solidified in my own mind that everything was going to be okay.

Feeling fairly tired and covered in a thin layer of crusty salt and sweat, I returned my rented bike and went back to my car to consider where to go next. I had planned to be down there for another three days, but suddenly I was homesick. There was still so much I wanted to do, but what I really wanted, was to do it all with Bella, so I figured it was time to go back.

I began my drive home the same way I had driven there – listening to music. However, instead of various songs reminding me of Bella and her alters, I started to rearrange the melodies in my mind to fit the saga of our relationship more completely.

Back when I was in medical school, the pressure of success from my parents, and the pressure I had put onto myself, had completely sucked the life out of me. But now that I was hearing the balled of Bella through my mind, and feeling it deep in my core, my first love was reawakening. My love for composing.

I could hear the cords so clearly in my mind as if they were writing themselves. It was so strong that I didn't even bother pulling over to write it down. This was a lullaby I could never forget. It had a life of it's own, and that life was the soundtrack of our love story. I didn't know what I would do with it, or if I'd ever do anything at all, but I couldn't wait to get to a piano and play it regardless.

The urge to get the song out of my mind and fluttering through the world was too strong, so when it was time for me to stop for the night, I was lucky to find a little cocktail lounge with a vacant piano.

I didn't even ask the owner for permission before I took my seat at the baby grand, and then I let it all flow out of me in a flood of emotions in the form of a melody. I hadn't played in years, but my rusty fingers danced over the keys like they had never stopped. The sound that resulted was my entire soul. It was soft and sweet like Tanya, and there was innocence in it for Bree, but there was also playfulness for Alice, and a whole lot of pain for Rosalie. It was joyful and heartbreaking, and everything in between. It was all Bella.

I didn't even realize anyone was paying attention to my playing, but when it was over, the stunned silent room actually cheered for me. Many of the patrons even had real tears in their eyes. It was shocking, but it felt amazing at the same time.

I raised my hand as a thank you for the applause, and then turned in for the night. Getting that song out of my system was utterly cathartic. I slept like a fucking baby that night, and when it was time to get back on the road, I felt more refreshed than I had in a long time.

When I finally walked back into my apartment, I didn't feel sad the way I was expecting either. Those walls held some painful memories, but they also held some beautiful ones too, and I was finally in a place where I could smile through the tears.

Garrett brought Jasper home the following day; his family had been kind enough to cat sit for me, however he also brought his tearful daughter.

"What's wrong, Irina?" I asked her concerned.

"Nothing. I'm just going to miss Jazzy Bear so much," she cried.

"Oh," I said while looking at Garrett.

"Yeah, she got a little attached while you were gone," Garrett confirmed, before crouching down to his daughter's level. "Now, we talked about this. You said you wanted to come say goodbye but that you knew he belonged here with Edward."

"I know, but who will sleep with me on my bed now?" she asked through her tears.

"No one slept on your bed before Jasper stayed with us. It's going to be fine." Garrett stood again to talk to me. "I'm sorry about this. I wouldn't have brought her if I knew she was going to make a scene."

"Nah, it's not a big deal," I assured him.

I returned my stare to the pitiful looking pair on the couch. Jasper had climbed up onto Irina's shoulder and was purring loudly in her ear, and I knew what had to be done.

"Do you care?" I asked Garrett.

"Do I care about what?" he replied confused.

I gestured to his daughter and Alice's cat.

"Oh Edward, you don't have to do that. I know you love that cat."

"I do," I confirmed. "I love him enough to know I don't give him nearly the amount of attention he deserves. Look at them. I think even Alice would agree that they belong together."

Garrett sighed. "Are you sure?"

"Totally. But you better clear it with Kate before we tell her," I advised.

"Oh, Kate loves that fur ball almost as much as Irina does. You should have seen the blubbering mess she was this morning. But it's just because our old cat died a few months ago. I was thinking about getting them a new kitten already, so if you're not a hundred percent sure about this, I can just take Irina by the pound as soon as we leave here."

"Why take her to the pound when she already has her new best friend right there? Trust me, this is for the best. If Irina and Kate are happy, I'm happy."

Garrett considered it for a moment, looked back at his daughter, and then nodded. "Thank you, Edward. You've just made one little girl very happy."

I smiled at him as a response, and then went to give Irina the news.

"I can tell you two really bonded this week," I said to the little girl as I scooped Jasper up in my arms. He meowed at me and rubbed his head against my neck.

Irina sniffled. "He's the best friend I've had since Bree disappeared."

I nodded. "Yeah, he's been my best friend since she's been gone too. But," I sighed theatrically. "I think he doesn't have very much fun here with me. He misses Alice and Bree too much. Do you think he would be happy if he went to live with you permanently?"

Irina quickly wiped her face and looked at me with sudden hope. "Really? Like, for reals for real?"

I chuckled. "For reals for real."

"Oh, Jazzy Bear, did you hear that? You get to come back home with me!" She cheered and took the cat back from me before spinning him around. Jasper looked a little put off by the action, but he quickly forgave her and was purring in her lap again.

I gathered up all his cat things, and then kissed his head goodbye, but I wasn't sad. I'd visit him often in his new home, and I knew Alice would agree that it was the right decision.

But living alone again was definitely lonely. I tried not to let that shadow of a funk get to me again, and for the most part, I was able to keep it at bay. It was only during those occasional sleepless nights, when I missed my girls the most, that I felt their loss the greatest. I could feel my longing heart beginning to be stretched a little too thin, but I didn't know how to fix it.

Somehow, from the very beginning, I always seemed to know when Bella needed me. I knew her alters better than I knew myself, and I was able to figure out how to give them all the things they didn't even know they required. I took pride in that ability, but it wasn't until I was in a particular lonely spot, that I realized Bella had that same ability for me…

"Hey," I said, overwhelmed with surprise to see her standing at my door. It was shocking, and my entire body went physically numb as a means of self-protection from the onslaught of emotions her presence was sure to bring.

"Hi…" She bit her lower lip anxiously. "Can I?" She gestured inside the apartment, so I quickly moved aside so she could come in.

"How are you?" I asked her, eager to know anything and everything she was willing to tell me.

"Still me," she said with forced enthusiasm. "I'm sorry if you thought I was Rosalie for a minute."

"No, not at all," I assured her. "I'm really glad to see you. How have you been? Where have you been?"

"Um…" Her discomfort seemed to pour out of her in waves, which almost made me wish she would just leave so she could find some relief. The last thing I wanted was to make her feel like that.

"Bella, you don't have to…"

"Yes, I do," she cut me off. "I'm sorry, this is just so much harder than in anticipated. I mean, I knew it would be hard, but just not this hard."

"Whatever it is…"

"Edward, please just let me say what I came here to say!" she snapped at me, making her sound a whole hell of a lot more like Rosalie than her normal self.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"No," she said quickly, looking horrified by her outburst. "Gosh, that was a little more intense of a tone than I meant to use. I'm sorry for that. I'm still learning how to deal with all these new… feelings."

"You're learning?" I questioned.

She nodded, and then led me to the couch where we both sat at opposite ends.

"When I left here last time, I realized I couldn't get better without help, so I checked myself into a mental hospital," she explained. "A nice one, with extended inpatient care, not those scary ones with big orderlies that hold patients down to give them shots and whatnot."

"You've been in a hospital?" I asked, far more relieved than I realized.

"Yeah, well I did down a bottle of Ambien with alcohol, so I figured I was probably not doing such a good job on my own anymore… Of course, that was over a year ago now. It just doesn't seem that long ago for me."

"Bella… why did you do that?" I asked carefully. I didn't want to upset her, but it was a question that had plagued me for so long that I couldn't help but voice it before it exploded out of me in some other way.

She stared at me for a moment, but then looked down at her twiddling fingers in her lap. "It just got too hard. I was tired of everything to do with my life. The lack of control… I couldn't see a future for myself – at least not one that I wanted to live. I was in a bad place," she said before raising her eyes to meet mine again. "I do regret it now. But at the same time, I feel like that was my rock bottom, and I can finally begin to climb my way back up."

I nodded supportively. "I know you can."

She smiled, which even in its meekness, took my breath away. It had been so long since I had seen Bella smile in any way –Bella, and not one of her alters – that I couldn't help but drink it in and hope I could see her do it again before she left.

"So, if I'm a current patient of a mental hospital, I'm sure you're wondering what I'm doing here," she said lightly.

"Uh," I laughed once nervously. "Actually, that thought hadn't occurred to me."

"I'm out on a day pass," she explained. "My dad brought me here, at my request, of course. He's waiting out in the parking lot. I'd say he's reading the book he brought, but I'm sure he's probably napping."

I chuckled. "Probably."

"Thank you, by the way, for hanging out with him every so often. He's never really had many friends. I've pretty much always taken up all his time off of work."

"You'd be surprised how many friends he's made at the bowling alley lately," I told her. "There's even a lovely lady that seems to have her eye on him."

Bella raised her brows in pleasant surprise. "Really? He did not mention that to me."

"Nah, I think he's a little embarrassed about it. They're cute though. She is always giggling at his jokes, and we both know Charlie's jokes aren't particularly funny."

"Definitely not," Bella agreed with a laugh – the sound, of which, made my heart flutter. "Wow, well I'm actually really glad to hear that," she continued. "Makes me feel a tad less guilty when I think about how much time he devotes to me."

"With you being an inpatient, how often is he able to visit?" I asked curiously.

"He comes every few days, but he usually tries to take me out somewhere at least once a week so I can have a break from all the mental work I've been doing. We usually just go to dinner, but sometimes a movie too. But I can honestly say, I do like the hospital. Well, maybe hospital isn't the right word. It's more like a wellness center, or a mental health facility. I guess you could call it a rehab for the mind. I even have my own little apartment there with a private kitchenette and sitting room. There's also a koi pond outside, and the grounds are just beautiful."

"That sounds great."

"It is. Everyone is really nice. It's going to be strange when I finally leave there and attempt to live fully on my own for the first time… Anyway, part of my therapy is coming to terms with the things I've done that has caused other people pain… and other than my dad, the only person I know I've hurt is you."

I scrunched my brows in confusion. "No, you…"

"I have," she insisted, refusing to allow me to let her off the hook. "Whether it was intentional or not, I've caused you pain, and I wanted you to know just how sorry I am. I knew better. I knew it wasn't fair to date anyone when I was so out of control in my own life. It was wrong… but that's something I don't think I'll ever be sorry for because you truly gave me the best days of my life, and selfishly, I wish I was still here with you," she said, getting emotional at the end.

I reached for her hand, but she pulled it away.

"I really need to get through this," she said apologetically. "I'm not sorry for trying to be with you; what I'm sorry for is the pain I caused you after. The pain I know you felt every time I left. The pain I caused you when I took all of us from you. The pain I caused when I lashed out at you about Rosalie. I didn't understand it then, but…"

"You had every right to be upset about that," I tried, but she didn't want to hear it.

"Edward, please don't justify your pain. That's not why I'm here. I don't want you to try to comfort me and make me feel better. You've done that enough. I need to apologize for the hurt I know I caused you, and the hurt I'm not even aware of. That's why I came… and I wanted you to know something."

She got up off the couch and began pacing the floor in front of me.

"I haven't lost control since I've been back," she said bluntly. "Not once. And I have this intense feeling like it won't ever happen again. Now, I'm not saying I'm cured by any means, because they're not gone. I still feel them inside there, but instead of fighting for dominance, I feel like we are finally thinking and acting together as a cohesive unit."

"So... they speak to you?" I asked, trying to understand better.

"No, not exactly; it's more like a feeling. Like, when I don't know how to do something, I search within my mind and come up with a solution that I may not have come up with myself completely. It's like their thoughts and my thoughts are beginning to merge. You know how everyone has an internal voice? Sometimes my voice seems just a little foreign to me, and that's how I know that particular thought isn't quite my own… But at the same time, all of my thoughts are my own, because they're all just pieces of me… pieces of me that I've glued together. Still broken, but together at the same time. Does that make sense?"

I considered it. "Yeah, I think it does."

She laughed at a thought. "The other day, I told my dad that it sometimes feels like I'm drunk. Like, my thoughts and actions are my own, but they're under the influence of something else – in my case, my alters. I never lose consciousness anymore, and I don't do anything out of my control that I honestly don't want to do, but they're not always actions or thoughts I'd necessarily have myself normally. I'm still learning to recognize them and differentiate between all of them."

"That's amazing," I said sincerely. "Truly, Bella, it is."

"But in addition to the merging thoughts, I've started remembering certain things that happened to them as well," she said hesitantly. "They're peeks mainly; forgotten dreams that I can dig out when I really try. Like, I remember bits and pieces… but all of those pieces involve you in some way."

"They do?"

She nodded. "Everything I'm starting to remember… or maybe they're memories my alters are showing me… all circle around you. I don't know, I figured maybe it's their way of getting me to come talk to you."

"What do you remember?" I asked, feeling that all too familiar sharp lump in my throat. I wanted Bella to know everything, however I was nervous for her reaction. Would she be upset about some of the things we did? I really didn't know, but thankfully, she was about to tell me…

"Cliff jumping?"

I laughed. "Yeah. Alice forced us," I said, playfully defensive.

She smiled knowing. "Well, I'm glad it was her and not me. I don't think I could have gone through with it. I'm far too much of a coward."

"Don't say that," I disagreed wholeheartedly. "You're so much braver than you give yourself credit for."

She smiled again, but shook her head in disagreement.

"What else do you remember?" I pressed, still nervous about her answer, but also desperate to know everything going on in that beautiful mind of hers.

"There are a lot of little things actually," she replied as her thoughts seemed to skim over those recollections. "Sleepovers, movie nights, pancakes."

I nodded absently, so she continued.

"Some kind of fancy ball?"

"Yeah, that was for Tanya," I confirmed. "Second Chance Prom."

"Oh, that was the night she finally got lucky," she said with far more humor than I would have anticipated.

"I just wanted it to be special for her," I said quietly.

"It was," she said just as quietly. "And I also remember being pregnant."

I sighed. "I didn't know…"

"Until after Rosalie was gone. I know," Bella said with a mix of sympathy and compassion. "Edward, I truly am sorry. Not only for the baby, but for the things I said to you when I woke up here that day. I didn't realize how much the two of you had been through together. I couldn't understand the depths of her love for you until… until recently, when I began sharing their memories and emotions. But not just Rosalie, all of them. They all loved you so much and feeling their feelings all at the same time has been so… overwhelming. And here I thought they couldn't possibly understand how I was feeling, but they did, and together it's just been so magnified and intense."

"Bella," I murmured, wanting so badly to take her in my arms, but again, she stopped me.

"Please don't touch me," she practically begged. "Edward, I love you. I have loved you from the beginning, and somehow you got all of my broken pieces to love you too, and that is an extraordinary miracle… but I jumped into this world with you that I wasn't ready for, and we both almost drowned because of it. There's still so much I need to fix in myself. Every day I'm learning something new. I'm only beginning to scratch the surface of the epicenter of my disorder. Rosalie is slowly letting the walls of my memory crumble down, and the small glimpses I've seen so far of my childhood, are terrifying. I need to work through that. I need to come to terms with what caused my DID, and only then will I be in a place where I can truly give you all of me."

"I just want to help you," I said honestly.

"You already have," she said emotionally. "So much more than you can possibly fathom. But I need to do this next part on my own, because this love I have for you… all of it from all of me, is so big that I won't have the capacity to focus on what I need to focus on for me. I don't even want you to touch me right now because I don't think I could handle walking out of here if you did."

She headed for the door, but then paused and turned back to me.

"I've been so selfish when it comes to you; really I have," she said with tears in her eyes. "Please don't try to deny it or ease my guilt. This is part of the process. Taking responsibility for my actions… So, I'm admitting my selfishness now, and I'm just about to double it," she said confusingly.

"I don't understand what you mean," I told her.

"I'm going to do something even more selfish… I'm going to ask you to wait."

"Wait?"

"Yes. Wait for me. I know that's one of the most unfair requests anyone could ever make, especially because I have no idea how long this will take or when I'll be well enough to give you what you deserve, but I'm asking you to wait anyway. There has to be a reason you were able to get all of me to love you this intensely, and I know you love me just as much; I can feel you do. All I can think of, is that it's just because we belong together. So please, just wait… Unless, of course, you've already moved on, and if that's the case then it's fine, and I don't want you to ever feel bad about that, I just…"

"Oh, baby," I interrupted her. "There's no one else in this world for me. I'd wait forever for you."

Her tears spilled over her cheeks, but these were happy tears. She didn't want me to touch her, but she also couldn't leave without touching me. She raced to me and planted her lips onto mine, with her hands cradling each side of my face. The feeling of her so close after so long had to be the most incredible thing I had ever experienced. However, as much as I wanted to cement her to me and live in that moment forever, I knew I had to let her go.

She pulled away just as quickly as she had kissed me, and she raced back to the door. But before she left, she once again paused to turn back to me. "Next time I come back here; I'm not leaving without you."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," I challenged her with a smile.

But then she fell serious again. "Edward, I promise you, I'm going to get better. I have to fully embrace my pieces, and accept the demons of my past, and then I'm going to race right back here to spend my future with you. If you still want me, I'm going to be here."

"I'll always want you," I assured her with the utmost of certainty.

Bella watched me longingly, and I could see just how badly she wanted to stay, but we both knew she couldn't. It wasn't our time yet, and maybe it wasn't even soon, but it was definitely on it's way. Eventually, we would be together again, and we would live happily ever after.

When Bella forced herself to leave that afternoon, surprisingly, I wasn't sad. In fact, I was quite the opposite – for the first time in a long time, I had hope. Everything was going to work itself out; I didn't have a doubt…