Chapter 33: The Long Way Home

Disclaimer: I'm just a geeky fangirl that likes to play around; I own nothing.

Messiness didn't sit well with Ueno, so his kitchen wasn't dirty. No spot in his apartment ever was really was. After he began spending more time with Aki, he wasn't even home enough to make adequate messes. On top of that, growing up as the assistant to his domestic badass of a mother meant that he jumped on clutter before it became a full-blown problem. Unlike most of his friends, Ueno didn't simply prefer clean surroundings; the thought of a disregarded teacup on his kitchen counter had been known to plague him until he dragged his behind out of bed to return it to its proper location. He craved order in his home, particularly when everything else was out of control.

Like tonight.

Well, considering it was late as hell, Ueno should have been asleep. Curled around his boyfriend, with Aki's cold feet tucked in between his calves or his leg thrown carelessly across Ueno's thigh, warm breath puffing against his cheek or neck in rhythm with the rise and fall of Aki's chest. Sprawled halfway on Ueno and halfway on the bed, as if Aki owned him.

Sleeping with Aki was one of the greatest pleasures. Cuddling his boyfriend was better than baseball, more satisfying than a bowl of instant curry. He had truly given in to his regret and acknowledged that his earlier actions had completely ruined that outcome. Sex was good, but so not worth losing his nights with Aki. In hindsight, he would of course never sacrifice getting off for his heaven in the dark, running his fingers through thick, soft hair, of smoothing his lips over Aki's forehead while he slid into slumber, of Aki's sleep-mumbling comforting him better than any lullaby or bedtime story. He'd have given damn near anything to hear Aki calling him by his shortened name, only used when he was asleep, drifting off, or approaching wakefulness. With regret, he mused that he wouldn't fall asleep to a mumbled or breathy Ue tonight. But he didn't need to worry about that at the moment; tonight was far enough off.

So if he hadn't put his foot in his mouth, there was a chance he could have been in bed now, asking Aki random questions to see if he'd answer them in his sleep. Ueno didn't do it often, since he was normally dead asleep himself, but an occasion came to memory of him snickering into his pillow when he'd asked Aki if he believed in aliens, only to hear a muttered "I bought you some cheese this morning. Dunno what kind, but nom…" Never mind that Aki couldn't prove that aliens did or didn't exist; the very idea of Aki going to a grocery store all by himself to purchase anything was almost hilarious. He was even useless when they shopped together. And don't even get Ueno started on the nom bit.

Ueno lifted the few plates from their earlier dinner out of the drying rack, swiping over each one with a dish towel, before opening a cabinet and placing them with the rest.

All of these chores could have waited until morning, but Ueno refused to see the point in putting anything off, as he was in sore need of a task. His brain was cranking away in his skull, with no sign of dwindling. Too many thoughts were whirring around, fast and hard enough to whip up a smoothie, and he had no idea how to turn the damn blender off. One worry sprouted another, until he was so lost in them that his body began to protest. He had to burn off some of this anxiety some way.

So here he was, doing dishes way too early in the morning. The universe had the good sense to hold off daylight for a couple more hours, for which Ueno was grateful. A couple of hours left for him to sort out his thoughts before he had to face the world, as if daylight would heighten his embarrassment, making it obvious to others. As if his mortification could possibly grow.

Ueno shook off random thoughts, grabbed another rag, and set to spraying down his countertops, likely with more cleaning solution than strictly necessary or recommended on the bottle, but hell, it was his apartment, and he could make it as clean as he wanted. As he wiped away the moisture with sweeping, circular motions of his arm, he recalled that while the place was tidy, it had been a good while since he'd aired it out.

Darting into his bedroom, Ueno began flipping up latches and heaved his window open. Next came his living area window, and then the kitchen. The balcony door sounded like a plan, too. He had used an excess of household cleaner; this would also help chase some fumes out. Feeling awfully economical, Ueno grabbed up his towel again and finished off his countertop, then wiped down the surface of his small fridge.

The apartment quickly dropped in temperature, but Ueno was only vaguely aware of it. Still slightly damp from his sprint home in the rain, he was already chilly. Ueno hoped Aki was faring better at home in his cozy apartment. Aki abhorred any temperature below tropical, so Ueno was sure that once Aki had returned home, he'd taken a hot bath or shower, donned warm clothing, and huddled up in bed. If Ueno had been there, he'd have teased his boyfriend a little, until Aki shot him that trademark bored expression, indicating he was so over Ueno and would ignore any further ribbing.

Aki was a prickly little thing. An adorable, prickly little thing. An adorable, prickly little thing who cuddled Ueno close and elevated Ueno's mood with the tiniest of smiles. Truthfully, even his most acidic comments and sarcasm raised Ueno's spirits, weirdly enough, filling him with glee and fondness.

He took his broom and dustpan from the hallway closet. Ueno couldn't remember the last time the floor had a good scrubbing, but he couldn't clean it without sweeping first. And he had planned to launder his bedding later the next evening, but he wasn't planning on sleeping any time soon, so there was certainly no harm in taking care of it now as well.

Ueno needed a clean apartment, since he would be spending the week there, at this rate. He had just broken up with his boyfriend, after all. That's what it felt like, he supposed. More than anything, he'd wanted to call an end to Aki's distress, caused by Ueno's own actions. Creating some distance was the best way to do that.

Ueno shook away the thought as well, and wasted no time dancing around his apartment, his broom his partner, whisking away particles of dust. They were mostly nonexistent, if his mostly empty dustpan was an indication. He shook the pan over his trash can regardless, and then returned the broom to his closet, swapping it out for a bucket, mop, and rubber gloves.

Crap. His bedding would take a few hours to launder, so he halted in filling his mop bucket to return to his now freezing bedroom, removing his comforter from the bed, shaking his pillowcases from the pillows and yanking at his fitted sheet with more aggression than necessary.

It was a quick trip downstairs to the on-site laundry room. He'd run back downstairs and move his bedding to the dryer in an hour. He should be done mopping and cleaning his bathroom by then. His comforter always took a couple of cycles, so he'd have to run back down twice, but he'd take the garbage down with him on the second run. It was always nice when his tasks aligned this well, and so satisfying to know that while one task was being carried out without him having to hover, he could knock out something else.

Besides, he had a paper to write. He could whip out the outline during the last dryer cycle.

He was a warrior. An economic wonder, a hardworking, domestic beast.

The need to be just that fueled his frantic activity. By the time he lugged his laundry back into his bedroom and threw the armful of fabric onto his flipped and disinfected mattress, he had indeed completed his outline. His floors shone after he ditched the mop in exchange for scrubbing on his hands and knees. His bathroom fairly sparkled, and his clothes hung in glorious order. He'd reorganized his dresser drawers, cleaned out his fridge, and organized the remainder of his homework assignments.

He'd darted back and forth around his apartment, amazed that his neighbors downstairs hadn't vocally protested. The physical exhaustion was welcome, though, and he always felt better after cleaning, knowing every item was in its rightful location. And while he'd carried out his tasks, he'd been able to successfully squash each random thought as it came, each image of a man he'd never met or even seen before, standing in the doorway much as he had months ago, mouth agape in horror. He'd killed each distressing thought dead.

He'd squeezed his eyes shut and shifted his focus each time he'd imagined a trembling Aki naked, on the floor, fighting for air, crying. Terrified. Unfortunately, fatigue was making it difficult now, but Ueno couldn't do this, not after the imaginary intruder began to take on Ueno's features, height, and voice.

Ueno slid to his knees at his bedside, pillowcase clutched so tightly his knuckles paled, fingers aching from the strain.

He tilted his head, resting the back of it against the mattress behind him, fighting his sudden erratic breathing, at a complete loss.

And if these thoughts were leading Ueno into a panic, he couldn't imagine what dealing with the reality of it all was like for Aki. Ueno had done the right thing. Aki in no way needed him around, not after that.

Life was going to be tricky, though; Ueno had given no thought to how he was supposed to show his face to his boss after this. At some point, Satou san would inevitably learn of their split. Ueno would have to get through work and somehow deal with the questioning. He'd have to go to class every day and stay away from the cafeteria, find somewhere else to hang out.

He would have to learn how to live after severing ties with the individual he'd declared love to. Ueno supposed that most people dreaded the aftermath of a breakup, especially when they didn't actually desire to leave the other person. Just the thought of never cuddling with Aki again brought a lump to his throat that he couldn't swallow down. This fucking sucked.

Noting that daylight had been upon him for quite some time, Ueno's head lolled to the side to check his bedside clock. He groaned, quietly bringing a fist down to his bedroom floor.

Aki had started it, but Ueno wasn't in any way obligated to allow it continue. Why hadn't he just said no? How easy it would have been to tell Aki he wasn't in the mood, to insist that they weren't ready to take that next step, that he was too tired? If only Ueno had believed any of it enough to make the smarter decision for both of them, Aki would be there with him now.

If he hadn't gone all primal and used his fucking brain instead of-

A faint rattling roused him, effectively stalling his train of thought.

Aki? No, he wouldn't be calling me after… that.

Ueno rose to his knees, leaning over to disconnect his phone from the charger on his night table. Deflating instantly as he read the display, he answered the call anyway, clearing his throat before giving his greeting.

It wasn't that strange for his grandpa to phone him this early in the morning. He'd never pinpointed the exact age when people started going to bed so early and rising before chickens and warehouse workers, but old people started that habit at some point. His grandpa was no exception, so when he did call, it was typically before Ueno was ready to start his day.

"Grandp-"

"It's me, darling."

He stiffened. Oops. His grandma was using his grandpa's cell phone. She had her own, but used whichever happened to be lying around, and was notorious for losing both as a result. She spoke near flawless Japanese, but tended to revert back to her first spoken tongue when she was excited, scared, or lost her temper. He shut his eyes briefly and took a breath before speaking. Since he wasn't around his grandma much these days, it now took him a moment to switch languages in his head.

"Are you okay?"

"It's your grandfather." Ueno raised a brow at that. His grandma certainly didn't sound hysterical.

"Is he okay? What is it?" Ueno scrambled to his feet, stomach churning, gripping at his jeans with his free hand. A multitude of recent health issues meant that any call about him could be hairy.

"I-I can't reach your mother. He needs a doctor."

"For what?" Ueno clutched as his phone, hopping from foot to foot. Why the hell was she calling him instead? Why was she trying to call his mom instead of an ambulance? "Are you at home? Where are mom and dad?"

His grandmother's timid voice quivered when she answered. "Heart attack. I think. Maybe?" She choked at the end. She was doing a fairly good job of speaking calmly, but it was clear it wouldn't last long.

Ueno felt horribly close to throwing up. "Ambulance. Did you call one yet?"

"Y-you think I should?"

"If he needs a doctor, you have to. Where is he?"

"On the couch. He says it hurts."

Okay. Okayokayokayokay. I will not puke. I will not pass out. I will not lose it. He was in danger of any of those three, possibly a combo.

Talking logic wasn't going to work on grandma. It figured that she would try to call his parents instead of immediately seeking medical attention.

"Okay, I'll call an ambulance for you. You can keep trying mom and dad, okay?"

"Yes, yes, baby. Thank you."

The line went dead. Ueno swore with feeling before dialing with trembling fingers.

He'd wanted a distraction and darn if it if his wishes hadn't been acknowledged.

Hours fell away as Aki sat propped up against the wall next to his front door, robbed of words and unable to process anything to completion or solution, sadly hollow. He'd been certain that something would get the ball rolling again, but his phone and his apartment remained eerily quiet. Even the cats were minding their own business in silence. Aki was fearful at this point, that the absence would extend throughout the day and into the night, and the idea of spending a night away from Ueno was no less alarming.

And here he was, even in this depressed state, turning over these thoughts like they'd only experienced a simple fight that he was positive would be resolved. Like Ueno hadn't just broken up with him. Hadn't he?

But after Aki had gone cold toward sexual contact and freaked out on him, silence had to be damaging. Even anger would have been okay, but it hadn't surfaced in him. In Ueno's apartment, Aki hadn't known how to break the ice, but neither had Ueno, so he'd simply sat next to the sole individual he loved more than anything in the world, feeling more out of touch with him than ever and unsure of how to move forward. Things may have ended differently had Aki not suggested returning home, but it was too late to fix that now.

Aki should have stayed. If he'd refused to budge, something would have happened, eventually. The breakup- or whatever it was called- had almost been a relief for a moment, and Aki didn't like that one bit. No straight reasons, no finality. How could he leave Ueno alone with his feelings still up in the air? How badly had Aki screwed him up? Even if Aki got in his face now, he couldn't find the words to ask, fearful of ripping off such a newly formed scab.

Emptiness was the meaning of the day, both physically and emotionally. He was alone with his silence; even Mira hadn't forced his presence. It was still early though, so that changing was a possibility. His cats were his only company, but they only went so far in filling the hole; watching kitty antics would only amused him briefly and on top that, they were now snoring away under his bed, in their usual spot. How could they go about their lives as if nothing was the matter, when Aki was sure his own must be ending? The fact that everything else continued to move at a normal pace while he felt so terrible was harsh.

Aki eventually rose, curling up in his chair, cell phone in hand, tapping at a particular contact before raising the phone to his ear.

The call was answered almost immediately.

"Son?"

"Dad…" Aki rubbed at his face with his free hand. "Morning." How desperate was he for doing this?

"Good Morning." His father's voice was tentative and wondering, and rightly so. His kid didn't call for no reason. "How are you? Is everything good?"

"I'm fine. I-um. I-I just thought I'd… call."

"Oh?" His father paused. "Well, it certainly is nice to hear from you. I'm downstairs, you know."

"On a Sunday? You can find something more exciting to do over the weekend than work, can't you?"

His father chuckled. "Of course. I do have a life, but I just stopped by for a moment since I was in the area. I'm headed to the athletic club; I've got a match in a little over an hour."

"Why aren't you using one closer to home?"

"I prefer the facility here. It's much larger, and they have nice tennis courts, not to mention that this place has a hot tub, sauna, and a pool. Membership for the family is quite affordable, and since it's closer to the hotel, it's much easier for me to fit in a workout right before or after work. It's a win no matter how you look at it. Plus, my partner lives closer to this one."

"The family?" Aki perked up. "As in me too? I can go, then?"

"I hoped that perhaps one day you would interested enough to try the pool. Feel like tagging along today?"

Aki thought for a moment before continuing. It had been a long time since he'd dipped a toe in anything larger than a bathtub. "W-would you mind?"

Stunned silence, and then, "No- not at all." His father responded, with more than a little befuddlement in his tone. Aki couldn't blame him; his father obviously hadn't expected him to accept. "Has my son developed an interest in tennis?"

"The pool, of course." A couple thousand laps sounded good all of a sudden, after years of ignoring his beloved pastime. "It's been a long time since I've been in a pool though, so I don't have anything to wear. I would need to run out and get a couple of things." None of his swim gear, had he kept it, would have fit any longer, anyway.

"It has been a while. Swimming seemed to make you so happy, so I was quite disappointed when you stopped participating. Hurry, and we'll zip on over to get you some staples."

"I'll come down now." Aki disconnected, marveling that not only had he initiated the call, but willingly committed himself to time in his father's presence. He was losing his rabbit-ass mind.

He sighed. His father had seemed, however incredulous, so hopeful when he'd answered. He didn't question why; Aki was big enough of a pill that any attempt at communication or closeness would be noticed. A twinge of guilt quivered through him at the thought.

Being the common denominator of all of his soured relationships, Aki supposed the question now was whether or not he possessed the strength to change the tide, and of course how badly he wanted to change it.

The scent of chlorine was almost overpowering as it entered Aki's nostrils, even before he'd exited the locker room. He was seized by the familiarity of it, almost- but not quite- forgotten in the years that he'd shunned his beloved activity. He hadn't realized he'd missed it to this extent until now, with his body rinsed, hair flattened under a snugly fitted swim cap, and goggles wrapped around his head, resting just above his brow. The slight grittiness of the floor bit into the wet soles of his feet, bringing along a sweeping moment of nostalgia.

Aki didn't trust himself to throw his body from a spring board after his hiatus; he instead chose to seat himself at the edge of a lane and simply lower himself into the water, shuddering all the while at the chill. Taking off was awkward, to say the least; he raised a leg and pushed off with a minimum of power, which didn't give him much momentum to work with when beginning his crawl stroke.

How long had it been? When was the last time he had propelled himself from a board, cutting through the water as if he lived there? Years. Years. The thought bounced around his head as he chugged through his first and return lap. He'd loved it; he'd spent much of his free time at the local gym of his school's facility, butterflying and crawling to his heart's content in solitude and peace. In hindsight, it seemed such a loss that he had quit, but he supposed he had lost interest, slowly but steadily, his mind in turmoil. Swimming had always brought about calm, and he had sometimes grown anxious when he couldn't make it to the pool.

Exactly when the situation had flipped and he instead had been too anxious to go to the pool, he was unsure of.

When he had completed his second lap, instead of slowing down to turn and kick off, he managed a clumsy tumble. It wasn't bad for his first time back in the saddle, but still a weak imitation of what he was capable of.

Having gotten an appropriate feel for the water again and gaining more speed from his push off, his arms moved with more surety, establishing a calming, all-too-familiar rhythm. Before long, his head was full of the swimmer's mantra, the mental chanting chasing away all other thoughts. Catch, pull, push, and recover. When he was young, before he was tall enough to stand with his head above water, his swim teacher would shout this to him while he pulled himself through the chlorinated water, and now Aki repeated this to himself, over and over, until his body obeyed all command.

Aki was unsure how much time had passed from his first lap to his last. He wasn't even positive of how many laps he had completed, only aware while he came back to awareness suddenly, that he'd gotten lost in the motions. His father, uncle, his past and Ueno had very briefly ceased to exist. The last year had faded away, and he was simply indulging, completely at peace, happy with his life, content in his aquatic home.

He'd really missed this.

Just when had he started to allow his stressors and pain to rob him of activities and interests that had once made him happy and liberated? Aki was well aware of the time frame, but not the actual dismissal; it wasn't as if he said to himself, I'm depressed, so I'm going to quit swimming, but at some point, he'd done it.

Then, just as quickly, as Aki boosted himself up and climbed out of his lane, he realized the difference between throwing oneself back into a habit and easing back into it. Moreover, Aki realized that easing himself back into swimming would have been the smarter option, because duh. But he'd been so good at it before; years ago, he would have blazed through the same laps he had today with a precision and speed he hadn't possessed just now. He hadn't realized how much propelling himself through the water had burned away his stress, his misgivings and overall anxiety.

Then again, when he had been swimming years ago, his problems hadn't existed to this magnitude. When his life had been flipped upside down, he'd lost interest in most of the things that had once brought him joy and satisfaction, and swimming had been one of them.

Aki rose, only to immediately drop to one knee, holding back a pained groan. Not that he had an audience; every lane remained empty, so no one was around to see the result of Aki not preparing properly. Still, he should have known better than to drag himself through all of those laps on absolutely no nourishment, and without stretching, and he felt a little bit of shame at his oversight.

Ah. He had forgotten about those terrible, agonizing leg cramps, pushed himself to his feet again, knowing he needed to try walking it off, but stumbled on the first step.

Ow ow ow. I really should have stret-

"You okay there?"

When Aki's eyes snapped open, he took note of someone kneeling at his feet, having materialized from nowhere, gazing at him expectantly.

"I-" Aki's voice dropped off as two hands grabbed at his calf, starting a strong, rhythmic kneading. "It's just a-"

"I know what it is. You okay, though?"

"Y- yes. Could you let go?"

"Oh. Heh. Sorry." The guy had the good sense to apologize, though he didn't pause in his ministrations. "You look like you're in some pain. Best to work out the cramp right away, and it's always easier to have someone else do it."

The stranger stopped speaking, his head turned toward his task. All Aki could make out was a head of dark hair, with strategically scattered burgundy streaks. "I-I.. I can handle it myself. I'm not a child."

"Nope. You're a grown-up for sure. An adult who knows the importance of a good round of stretching before taking off, especially for a beginner. That was sarcasm, in case you didn't pick up on it."

Aki bristled, stepping back with his free leg and yanking the other out of the stranger's grasp. "I am not a beginner." He barely avoided stumbling before rising to his full height.

"Okay."

Aki wrinkled his nose at the abrupt realization that he has just let this random asshat ruffle his feathers by telling the obvious truth. Pain did make him more irritable than usual. He inhaled deeply and expelled slowly. "I did forget to stretch, and I'm out of practice is all. Is picking fights with strangers a habit of yours?"

"You do realize that this is the reason swimmers incur injuries, don't you? Injuries, might I add, that keep you from competing, and land you in physical therapy for months, even years."

"You're certainly passionate." Aki muttered his observation, not sure why he hadn't hauled ass to the locker room yet, wondering why he was still engaging.

"Well, I only speak from experience. It's the precise reason that I work at a gym supervising swimmers, instead of competing. Just trying to keep you overzealous, impatient little demons from meeting the same fate." Eyes, a deep charcoal, gazed up him, one corner of a full set of lips turned upward.

"You work here?" Aki shook his head. "I suppose I didn't recognize you as an employee, since you apparently missed a seminar or two focused on how to treat your customers. Do you talk to everyone like this?"

"I've never seen you here before. First time?"

"Here, yes." Aki paused. "Was I that bad?"

"Bad?"

"Bad enough to be called a beginner."

"Nah." The guy, still kneeling in his black legskins, scooted forward and pulled Aki's calf into position before resuming his kneading. "Not bad, just awkward, I guess. You seemed to pick up the pace pretty fast. Swimming is like that; absence doesn't erase the instinct you pick up once you've got experience. Your gear looks brand new, though. That gives away a lot of beginners, especially on the gym side."

Aki reluctantly let the man continue. "The gym side?"

"Yeah. The experienced gym bunnies come in their sweats or whatever they can find. They just want a good workout. Looking like hell doesn't faze them. Then there's the newbies, and the people who come in around the beginning of January to carry out their resolutions for the new year. You know, the ones that vow to lose the beer gut or tighten their asses? They tend to wear name brands, all color coordinated, pristine sneakers, and sweatbands." His brows furrowed in consternation. "Who the hell needs sweatbands? They meander from machine to machine before they even complete a rep- incorrectly- and if they're really ambitious, they'll last twenty minutes before they hit the sauna to reward a job well done. By the time February comes around, they're history."

Aki cocked his head, a bit dazed in the aftermath of the guy's judgmental diatribe. "I.. I used to swim a lot when I was younger, b-but I fell out of the habit. It's been years, so all my stuff is new. I was too impatient to stretch."

"You don't have to explain yourself."

"I disagree. You sounded awfully… judge..y."

"Judgmental?" The man snorted. "I suppose so. Of course, my opinion shouldn't matter to you."

"It doesn't." Aki snatched his leg away a second time and limped away as haughtily as possible. Wow. His muscles ached, but nary did a flare-up occur as he made his elegant exit.

The guy was a butthead, but crazy good with his hands.

His father stated that he would prefer something light for lunch, as he didn't want to eat what he had burned off during his tennis match. Luckily, he had made a decision quickly after Aki provided absolutely no assistance.

Aki didn't care; he never ate heavily. The sushi shop his father had chosen suited him just fine. He'd never eaten there before and wasn't overly keen on sushi, but the place wasn't populated for early afternoon, and the two of them were immediately able to sit around a small table and begin munching away just as quickly.

Since they were apart and Ueno wasn't there to shove food down his throat, his stomach was indeed growling at this point. Aki didn't often admit when he was starving, but he was hungry like a big dog, as Ueno would put it.

"Mmm." His father chewed slowly, tilting his head and squinting upward. "Have one of these. You like sandfish." Without waiting for Aki to accept or decline, he added one to Aki's serving.

"Thank you." Aki responded to his father politely. In an even tradeoff, Aki did the same, offering his father one of his own. This was certainly odd.

His father had never been bad company. He was never cruel, unreasonable, or prickly; on the contrary, the man was eternally optimistic and cheerful, even more so in the face of adversity. Most people adored his father on sight.

Take this situation, for example. Aki, who was most definitely unreasonable and prickly in the company of his father, was welcomed with open arms no matter what his attitude or behavior. What had Aki done to deserve such devotion from his parents?

He set his chopsticks down, appetite diminished. Aki could expand on the question, and ask after his worthiness to deserve any love from anyone. But here he was, with a boyfriend, a couple of friends, and his family, all of them gently accepting. He had done nothing to gain or keep their adoration, and certainly gave them nothing back, which bothered him more now than ever.

"Oh no, you don't." His father stared pointedly at Aki's abandoned eating utensils. "No hunger strikes today, you hear me?"

Aki was able to crack a weak smile for his father, but that was his limit. "No hunger strike." He resumed eating slowly, reluctantly. He needed to eat anyway; his most recent meal had been one Ueno fed him- last night. His boyfriend was diligent in making sure Aki's stomach was never empty. He'd likely waste away without him.

There was that pesky pronoun again. Boyfriend. How quickly he'd forgotten being dumped hours earlier.

"I know the two of you aren't required to spend every moment of your lives together, but does that lost expression on my son's handsome little face have anything to do with the fact that Ueno's not here? And why isn't my other son with you, anyway?

A lump of rice stuck in his throat. That was a tidbit of information Aki was unable to share. "We-" He swallowed before trying again. "We parted ways. For today, at least."

A dark eyebrow went sky high. "What did you do to him?"

Aki stared at his father. Was indignation appropriate? "Why are you automatically convinced that I did something to him?" Well, because that's the way it would be; even Aki could admit that.

"Unless there's some colossal misunderstanding, one of you has to be at fault for any split or argument; am I right?"

"Well, that's a logical way of looking at it, but-"

"And out of the two of you, I know that Ueno would never, ever do anything to upset you. That boy is a father-in-law's dream, kindness personified, level-headed, the epitome of goodness, the-"

"Ueno isn't always level headed."

"Is that the best rebuttal you've got? You did something; I can feel it."

"If I'm so evil and he's so great, go ahead and swap us." If such a trade were possible, Aki was sure his parents would have filled out the paperwork already.

"My Aki isn't evil. You're a cute little porcupine. Sometimes we might catch a quill or two, but we always recover." His father smiled, stupidly serene. "We like you. Wouldn't trade you for the world."

Aki kept his mouth shut, choosing not to blurt out an immediate, recent example. It was a tradeoff his parents had decided on so recently that Aki could still recall every word, every expression and each emotion that ran through him in those moments. Weeks ago, he would have lashed out with his counter argument so quickly that his own head would probably have spun around.

He was already down, though, and an acidic gotcha wasn't going to raise him up. Not this time. Aki didn't have the necessary energy for a battle of words. Then again, his father probably wouldn't argue, and merely deflect or avoid the subject. He set his chopsticks down, for good this time.

His father appeared to have become aware of his verbal blunder. The dark-haired man lifted his fingers to his lips, gazing off to the side, past the only other patrons at an uncertain spot on the wall while Aki wrestled with the sudden silence. He heard his father's deep, heavy sigh, but he pressed his lips together, unwilling to speak first.

A little surprised as how much the memory pulled at his chest, Aki wondered if he should end their afternoon together and head back to his apartment. He'd have nothing to do but ponder his issues with Ueno back at home, but sitting in silence and solitude had to be more pleasant than this. A lump formed and grew in his throat. Why were all of his available options so shitty?

There were too many why-related questions in his head. Why couldn't he find the right words for Ueno? Why was he so inept at compartmentalizing and dealing with his past? Why couldn't he just ask his father the questions that were killing him inside?

"Ah." Aki's father looked his way, expression pinched, pained. "I guess we were right."

Right about what? Aki fixed his questioning gaze on his father.

"About how you were feeling about… everything. We were expecting you to be angry at first, but we didn't really think it would last."

Aki had no plan on how to respond, though he knew this conversation would be inevitable at some point. He'd rather have had his statement rehearsed, but before he could consider his words, they flew from his lips like projectile vomit and Aki helplessly observed himself ruin what could have been a calm dialogue.

"You threw me away, Dad. How is someone supposed to feel after that?"

His father didn't look surprised, only resigned.

"Son. We wanted you to see it as a chance to heal, not as abandonment. When we told you of our plans, you were obviously unhappy with our decision, but still you complied so readily. At the time, I assumed that you were only angry because we had sent you away without your input. I was sure that once you moved and got settled, that you would actually enjoy living with your uncle. And you did, didn't you? You two got along much better than we ever did."

Aki wrung his fingers together in his lap, not sure what was happening to him. His brain wasn't telling him what his heart was going through; he had no idea if he was angry or hurt. And who was he supposed to be mad at right now?

"Son, you need to know that we weren't happy with our decision, but at the time it did seem like the most reasonable option. It took a lot of convincing from your uncle to get us to agree to it. I wanted badly to explain everything we were feeling, what factors played into that decision, but you were so angry I didn't feel that you would try to process it right then." His father sighed.

Aki's brain urged him to tell his father to stop, that rehashing the night and what had led up to it would do nothing but cause him pain. And at the same time, his heart wanted to know that he hadn't been undesired, that there was some very logical explanation for their separation. But he didn't want that logical reason to be his uncle's persuasive skill. Or maybe he did.

"It was never our intention to wreck your life in order to repair your sister's. Our relationship was strained as it was, and your uncle's suggestion seemed so promising, since your relationship with him was good. I was sure you'd eventually be happier there, and you were."

Their relationship hadn't be good since Aki had crept up on puberty.

"When we had Fumi admitted, your mother spent the whole weekend cleaning the house, preparing for you, itching to get you back into your room. She had no qualms about ripping you away from him and dragging you home if that's what it took. I can't remember the last time I'd seen her so driven. But we knew how well you were doing in your new home, and even though we wanted to try, I decided to cancel that plan, against your mother's wishes. Your mother didn't care, but uprooting you again simply didn't make any sense when you were doing better there than at home. Your uncle told us how your overall mood was much more even, sometimes even upbeat, and I realized that he was doing a much better job at keeping your happy than we ever had." His father glanced off to the side. "Your mother wouldn't speak to me for days."

Aki's eyes tingled. Happy? What other shit had his uncle fed his parents behind his back? Had they really been led to believe that Aki was better away from them?

Dumb question, really. Of course his uncle would lie.

"And we were certain you weren't interested in speaking to us about it; nearly every time we tried to call your cell phone directly, we got voice mail right away. We gave up, which was the wrong choice to make. You should have always been welcome at home. We didn't try hard enough. We should never have considered separation as an option, no matter how competent your uncle was in keeping you happy.

We want you in our lives. Fully. Even if Fumi was still in the house, we'd find a way to make it work with both of you, instead of rearranging the family. Son, the way I handled things a year ago is my biggest regret. Your mother and I both love you. Mami, Fumi- we adore you. I made a horrible, horrible mistake in how I treated and attempted to manage you. We never expected you to resent us in the end, but we can't expect much else."

Telling his father that he was fine would be false but Aki was used to lies. He swallowed hard in preparation, but words wouldn't come. His hands shifted from the tabletop to rest in his lap again, fingers pulling at one another in a tell of anxiety.

"Aki."

Aki met his father's eyes, and saw that the usual cheer in his gaze was gone, replaced with what he understood as uncertainty.

"Can I take you home, at least for today? I'll take you back to the apartment and give you some time to gather some clothes and whatever else you may need. Your mother and I would love to spend the day with you. I can drop you off at the university tomorrow morning in time for class."

Normally, any mention of time spent in that house, saturated with foul memories and guilt, would have Aki running for the hills. Even so, Aki nodded, the motion jerky.

Aki had dreaded the eventuality of this conversation, and even though he was apprehensive now, his heart had cried out, demanding an explanation that his brain insisted he didn't need. He had been quite content in resenting his family, but-

A muffled chime interrupted his thoughts. He watched quietly as his father unearthed his phone and stared briefly at the display. "Hmm. It's my son-in-law. Any idea why he's calling me?"

Aki shook his head, mute and wondering himself. Ueno would be the type to quit his job because of what happened between them. To make things easier, he'd probably insist. To keep them from running into one another, or to avoid his father's questioning.

He watched as his father answered the call, eyebrow raised. "Hello, son."

There was a quick pause before his father straightened in his seat and his brow furrowed in concern. "What is it, son? Are you sitting down? Well, please do so. Okay. What happened?"

Aki stared at his father in growing confusion as the older man wrapped his free arm around himself and bit at his lower lip while he listened. "Oh, I see. Is there anything I can do to help? Are you still at the hospital?" Aki clenched his hands in his lap as he listened to his father's stilted end of the conversation, his fingers instantly icy. Alarm felt like a cold fist clamped around his heart, chilling his blood and cooling his extremities.

"Shh, child. It's fine. I would never penalize you over something like this. Don't worry about work; just keep me posted. I hope everyth- son. Son. Please, just try something for me. Take a deep, slow breath for me. Through your nose. Good, now hold it for three. That's it. Now let it out. Slowly. Again, come on."

Was it possible to feel all the blood drain out of one's body? It was a cooler day, with winter fast approaching, but this type of frigid wasn't brought on by the lower temperature. In the few hours they were apart, what had happened? Had Ueno broken something? Fallen?

"There you go. I know nothing I say will make you feel any better, but know that I'm here if you need anything. Please call or text whenever you need to, okay? Let me know if I can be of any help. At all, please."

Aki barely managed to keep still while his father ended the call, but once the older man lowered his hand to set his phone down, Aki unleashed.

Or tried to.

"Dad? W-what."

His father held up a hand, stopping the jittery interrogation short. "Before you get all worked up, Ueno is fine. Stressed and panicked, but unharmed."

What? "But didn't- you said hospital, and why would he-"

"He's been at the hospital all day, with his family. His grandfather experienced a mild cardiac episode, but he's stable. His grandmother called him first, and from the sounds of it, described it in a more dramatic fashion. He said that she was dazed, probably in some sort of shock and not thinking clearly, so Ueno had to call an ambulance for them and notify his family."

"But apparently, while Ueno was busy calling everyone, she got the idea in her head to get him downstairs and presentable for the medics. He was unsteady, most likely, and she was agitated, so they both ended up falling down the stairs. So on top of the cardiac episode, he now has a fractured pelvis and concussion. His grandmother fared much better; lots of bruises, but no breaks or fractures."

Aki ran his finger down the condensation on his water glass, an odd mixture of relief and empathy working to shallow out his breathing. "Is he- so they'll both be okay?"

"According to Ueno, they'll both recover, though his grandfather is staying for testing, which makes sense. I'm sure they want to run a full panel and make sure this isn't a precursor to anything more serious. They'll need to manage his pain and keep him under observation regarding his concussion. Ueno's anxious, though, of course. They're all going to spend some time preparing for a move."

"What?"

Aki's father shrugged. "Ueno said that he was going to be packing, but he didn't elaborate."

"Oh." Aki blinked, pulling at his fingers.

His father whistled. "Talk about mayhem. It looks like everything hit Ueno after his grandparents were assessed and decisions were made. He was… quite panicked. Shaky."

Work and school. Aging family. Injuries. Packing for something, apparently. Ueno was likely stressed over it all at once.

Oh. And Aki would be remiss to leave out that Ueno had a basket case boyfriend. One who clocked him in the jaw and revealed his disturbing through processes mere hours ago.

Ex-boyfriend, from the looks of things.

Still, Aki needed to overlook that fact. It was doubtful that Ueno would even answer the phone if Aki called; he had a ton on his plate and Aki would flub up any attempt to offer comfort. He couldn't just sit here while Ueno ran around, all distressed, though.

He rose from his chair to fish his phone from his pocket, only to stare at the dark screen, struggling through his indecision. His hand shook, the mobile device wavering in front of him.

"Son."

Aki looked up to see his father gazing at him, eyes kind and sympathetic.

"I'm sure you want to check on him yourself and be of some help, but perhaps it would be best for you to just leave him a text for now, and wait until a little later to call. Let him know he's on your mind and he can call you if he needs to. But then, just give him a little time to deal with all of this. I'm sure that his entire family is in a frenzy right now."

Was a text even appropriate after what had happened? Did he even have the right to bother him? What if he stressed Ueno out even further? Ueno had to fix every situation, to give everything he had. He'd worry about his entire family before he took care of himself; Aki bet Ueno was already stretched too thin.

And, because Ueno was Ueno, he probably wouldn't expect a text from Aki, not after what must have felt like rejection in Ueno's bedroom earlier.

Though… if the tables were turned and Aki was in a panic, Ueno would be the first person he'd want to hear from, probably the only person that could bring Aki any solace. Granted, Ueno's family dynamic was completely different and he had to have tons of kin he could take comfort in, numerous people to offer him what he needed, so it wasn't exactly the same. Aki's web of trusted people was connected with exponentially less strands. Ueno probably didn't need him to make it through this.

Still, Aki nodded his acknowledgment to his father and brought his phone out of hibernation. It took a couple of tries to open his running text window with Ueno, but seconds later, he began tapping out his awkward attempt at helping, at letting Ueno know that he was still there, that he loved Ueno more than anything, that he was shit at helping but he wanted to do anything he could.

Knowing without a doubt that Ueno was in distress was unsettling enough, but having a wall erected over an unrelated misunderstanding of course made it all the worse. He had been free before, to at least have the chance to flub up the attempt. Now, he was fearful to even reach out.

His father offered a reasonable solution. Reluctant to admit his father's suggestion sounded pretty darn solid, he nevertheless dug deep and tried to be what Ueno had always been to him. What he ached to be for Ueno in return.

I know you're angry, but-

No.

I don't know if we're still talking right now, but-

Ugh.

I messed up, but I want you to-

Crap. No. Keep it simple.

I love you. I'm here.

It was all he had, really. All he could think to say that didn't open a cans of worms, that didn't fuel any fires. Simple and true. Aki hit send before he lost his nerve.

Here goes nothing.

And everything.