Chapter Thirty Five

Esme

Carlisle was in such a state that I stopped at the first hotel we came to and rented a room for the next few days. We were lucky that this hotel had spare rooms, most were busy over the New Year and it was very late. The fact we didn't have much luggage wasn't a problem when I explained that we had been on our way to visit friends when my husband had been taken ill. The kind lady in reception even offered to call a doctor but I told her that a good night's sleep was all he needed. I was conscious of Carlisle's silent presence at my side and knew he looked drawn by her concerned glances.

Once in our room, I persuaded Carlisle to lie down and then took him in my arms and tried to talk to him. I had known the news of Edward's death would hit him hard but losing his son and finding the rest of the family were scattered to the four winds were more than he could take. Especially when Bella had also refused to talk to us.

I wasn't a fool, I knew we had brought this mostly on ourselves. We should never have treated Bella the way we did when we discovered that she was pregnant. It had been cruel and thoughtless, especially in my case. In our defence, all I could say was that we were scared. Scared of losing Bella, scared for Edward's possible loss of his loved one and I suppose we were influenced by Edward's determination that the pregnancy or the birth would kill Bella. There had been terrible stories about hybrid births that colored the way we felt although none could be substantiated.

I had been shocked when we discovered that Bella had lost her child and to make matters worse, Edward has lost the infants body. To my shame, I always felt a small worm of suspicion that Edward's explanation did not quite ring true. There were just too many unanswered questions, the main one being, why would the wolves have taken the body?

Carlisle and I had tried to talk to Edward about it but we had gotten nowhere and when it began to distress those around us we had desisted although still feeling uncomfortable and suspicious.

Bella's deterioration when she learned what had happened had broken my heart. I had wanted to help her but I couldn't reach her and then Edward took her away from us and whenever I tried to see her or speak to her something came up or Edward had an excuse and to my shame, I eventually gave up trying.

Now, we were reaping what we had sewn and poor Carlisle was tormented far more than me. All I could do was to support my beloved husband and hope that I had the strength to get him through this.

The receptionist brought up a supper tray and enquired after my husband which was very sweet of her and said if there was anything we needed I could call down at any time.

It took all my powers of persuasion to get Carlisle to talk and then it was only to tell me that he blamed himself for Edward's death.

"If I had stood up for Bella from the very beginning none of this would have happened Esme. You knew. You warned me over the years that I indulged him too much and I ignored you. He was lost when I turned him, he had been a spoiled child, the apple of his mother's eye and he bought that sense of entitlement with him into our world. His gift, the knowledge of how valuable that was, and the sense of superiority it gave him only fed his self-image. I should have instilled a sense of belonging into him, made him see that he was not the center of the universe. I know why he didn't want Bella to have the child. He was selfish, he didn't want to share her with anyone. Tt happens, men do become jealous of their infants from time to time but to Edward, it was a rival, something he refused to contemplate.

I failed you too my sweet Esme. I promised you a family and now look at us. We are all alone, our children all fled from us. I am so sorry about that. And what is worse is that I feel I cannot put this right, Esme. I tried so hard to be a good man, to be a good husband and father but I failed at all those things. Aro was right, I couldn't live the kind of life I wanted to, it was fighting against my very nature as a vampire."

I shook my head and told him he was strong. That Edward's death had just been one shock too many.

"Carlisle, you are not responsible for Edward's actions. He's had years to learn from you. He has to take responsibility for the things he did, not you. As for the children, they'll come back. They are all distressed by what has happened but they love us both and they will come back. Trust me, my love."

I held him close whispering of my love, of our life together, and of the children but I could feel a great cloud of sadness weighing him down. It scared me. I had never seen Carlisle so bewildered and lost. He had always been my rock, the one we could all go to with our problems, but he was just a man and even a strong man has his limits.

When his phone began to ring he ignored it but when it rang, again and again, I decided whoever it was they were persistent so it must be important. Maybe it was Alice or Rose. With a pathetic hope, I picked it up.

"Esme Cullen."

"Esme, it's Bella. I wanted to apologize for my earlier words and ask if you would agree to meet with me."

My heart leapt, Bella wanted to meet with us and sounded conciliatory.

"Yes, of course. Where would you like to meet?"

"Whenever is convenient for you. I don't know where you are right now."

"Just a minute."

I pressed the mute button and turned to Carlisle.

"Did you hear that? Bella wants to meet with us. This is a good sign. Do you feel up to seeing her here?"

"Please tell her that if she wants a fight I don't have the heart."

I gave him a reassuring smile and turned my attention back to Bella.

"Bella, we'd love to see you. Shall we say about 10 at the Regency hotel off Highway 119."

Bella agreed and hung up and I turned to my dear husband.

"Bella wouldn't bother calling if all she wanted was to start another argument, my love. So, let's be optimistic shall we?"

Carlisle merely lay back closing his eyes.

"Esme, I don't think I have ever felt so depressed and worthless as I do right now. All my life I've tried to do the right thing. I have fought against my vampire inclinations and tried to help others do the same. Where did I go so wrong my love? I failed everyone that I care about. I failed you."

"Don't you dare say that. You have never failed me."

He smiled wanly, "You're a good person Esme but I know I have. And what's more, I failed Bella and forgot my oath for the first time. How could I have done that? I lived by it for centuries but when my own family was at stake I turned my back on it."

"Stop this right now, Carlisle. We all make mistakes, even you, and we have to live with them. If you give up now then everything you say about yourself will be true but you're a better man than that. The Carlisle I fell in love with picks himself up, dusts himself off, and starts all over again. That's the Carlisle I need right now and it's the Carlisle your family needs."

He was lost in thought for some time before appearing to pull himself together and patting my cheek.

"You're right of course, what would I do without you? Wallow in self-pity and allow it to destroy me no doubt. Well, let's hope for the best when Bella comes. I think I should take a shower and get changed. I feel like an old man and I'm sure I must look it too."

I kissed him affectionately, "Not in my eyes my love, never in my eyes."

By ten the following morning both Carlisle and I were becoming very nervous wondering why Bella had asked to meet with us. Carlisle looked much better but I could see how worn and nervous he was and I hoped Bella would be gentle with him and remember all the good things Carlisle had done for her. Hopefully outweighing the bad of two years ago.

Bella

As Jasper had foretold, Peter was not happy when he was told that we were going to meet Carlisle and Esme.

"What the fuck for? How many times do you have to get kicked in the teeth before it dawns on you that it hurts? They threw you to the wolves, Bella. And their fucking son was going to snatch Megan. Do you think they were in the dark about that? No, like hell they were. The fucking lot of them were probably lurking close by to help Eddie the asshole. Jeez!"

"Peter, I appreciate your concern but I don't think any of the family were helping Edward. They didn't even know what had happened, just that he was dead. Yes, they were wrong. They treated me badly when I was pregnant but holding a grudge is exhausting especially when you have an eternity to keep it up. Besides, despite everything, they are Megan's grandparents and I don't feel right cutting her off from them. I had so little family and I want more for her. It won't make any difference to her relationship with any of you and I am most grateful for all that you have done for us.I hope you can understand that."

He was shaking his head, a scowl darkening his face.

"Can't say as I do, Bella. If someone stabs me in the back I don't come back for fucking seconds. I get even."

"But I'm different. I don't want to make enemies or cause bad feeling and their son is dead because of me."

He threw his hands in the air in exasperation.

"No. Fuck me, their son is dead because of his own fucking stupidity."

I could see this argument going back and forth all night and I really didn't want to fight with Peter, he'd done so much for me.

So. I was relieved when Darius and Charlotte stepped in.

"Peter, why don't you just shut the fuck up and leave Bella to do what she feels is right."

"Peter, please. Listen to Bella and respect her decision, please."

Peter looked from one to the other of them and shook his head still obviously frustrated by my decision but he did just shrug.

"OK. I can see I'm the only one here who feels like you don't owe them anything. You do whatever you have to."

With a smile, I thanked him then impetuously gave him a grateful hug which took him totally by surprise.

"Get off me woman. God, I know I'm irresistible but control yourself. I'm a married man."

He was never going to apologize or admit he could be wrong in so many words, this was his way of showing it and I accepted it gratefully.

"Actually Peter, I was going to ask if you, Charlotte and Darius would look after Megan for us while we see Carlisle and Esme."

Peter smiled, mollified even more by this request.

"Sure we will. I'm just glad you aren't taking Megan with you."

Charlotte shot him a warning look but he ignored her.

"Maybe Darius and I could give her a riding lesson?"

My heart was in my mouth thinking of my baby on the back of a horse, even a little one, but Jasper nodded reassuringly so I agreed.

"Please take care. I don't want to come back and discover my daughter in a plaster cast. "

"No sweat. You worry too much."

Darius rolled his eyes at Peter's comment.

"Don't worry Bella, we won't let anything happen to the munchkin, you have my word on that."

I felt better knowing that Darius would be there, I trusted his level-headedness to cool Peters rash enthusiasm.

We left early for our meeting and although I knew Carlisle and Esme were eager to speak to me, I still felt awkward knowing that I was ultimately responsible for Edward's death or at least had a hand in it. I was concerned that they should understand exactly what had happened, everything, which would explain why things had turned out the way they did.

Jasper left it to me to decide whether I would go in alone but this tale was as much about him as me. He was a witness to Edward's actions once I was bitten and I knew they wouldn't suspect him of any falsehoods. They acknowledged that Jasper was as straight as they come. They might not like what they heard but they would believe him. Of course, the thought of him at my side gave me some much needed courage. Besides, I felt rather like Megan, I was scared to let him out of my sight in case I would never see him or Megan again. I don't think I could have survived discovering that all this had been nothing more than a wonderful dream.

Jasper parked outside the hotel and turned to me, "Are you sure about this, Bella?"

I nodded, "I'm sure. I guess I owe them this much."

"So, what is it that's worrying you?"

I worried my lip and he put a hand up to stop me.

"Come on. Out with it."

"It's Megan. She knows that no one wanted her except me. I know she's forgiven you but that was under rather exceptional circumstances. They are going to want to see her and I guess they have a right but I don't want her upset. She's only a little girl and she's been through so much already. Am I fair in asking her to trust them?"

"Trust me, Megan's a lot tougher than you think. Once you explain to her that it was fear talking, not hatred, she'll understand. Now, are we going in or do you want to sit here in the parking lot all day?"

I swallowed nervously and then pushed open the car door and stepped out straight into a huge puddle. It had warmed up during the night and as a result, the snow had melted leaving everywhere dirty and scruffy looking. Cursing I shook the icy water off my shoes.

Jasper came round to join me and took my hand in his.

'I'll be there every step of the way with you. So, chin up, and let's walk in there confidently."

Confidently? That was something to aspire to maybe in the future but for now, I was feeling anything but strong and confident and my hands were shaking very slightly. Pushing myself on I walked slowly into the hotel wanting to turn around and run but I knew I couldn't do that. It would be unfair on Esme and Carlisle. Of everything that has happened since I found Megan was alive, this would be one of the most difficult and stressful.