Promise To Love Me, Even When You Hate Me.

Chapter 28

July 22nd 2019

They have assigned me to yet another undercover assignment, I really need to grow a pair and talk to Shaun about a permanent posting. Don't get me wrong, I love the thrill of this job, the action and, well, everything, but as they say I'm not getting any younger. But anyway, I'm off the Cairns to check out a P.O. that's possibly accepting bribes.

I've never been to Cairns, but I've heard good things, a part from the humidity. Might actually get some time to relax on a white sandy beach, that would be nice!

July 24th

I met with Commander White today, nice to see a female in charge for once, and I also met my new CO, Mike Flynn. I could tell he was a little apprehensive about me, I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm new, or that I'm a woman, or both, but we'll see.

I also met him today, wasn't really what I was expecting, friendly enough, but from what I've read he's a real piece of work. I already can't wait to finish this one!

They invited me to the pub tonight, but I know what happens when you have welcoming drinks, I'm not gonna fall for that again!

Okay, so my CO just bought me dinner, is that weird? It's weird, right? And he nearly saw all the files, I had to make up some BS about learning their personalities, but he bought it. Anyway, I guess it was a nice thing to do, but I dunno, still get a weird feeling about this place.

July 25th 2019

Okay, these guys are weird! I was out for a run today, and he appeared out of nowhere. He tried to make conversation, and I just couldn't, but then he cornered me and had the balls to have a go at me about being friendly? Ironic, huh? He's backing me into a corner bout being friendly.

I get that I'm not exactly acting like his best friend, but of course Shaun had to stick his nose in. I know I can be, well, a little stiff, abrasive even, but it's hard to be friendly when you know people are doing the wrong thing, he needs to cut me some slack, sometimes this tactic works.

We were crash sailed this afternoon, I was so nervous sitting in my car at the docks, I hate feeling unprepared. Then one of the junior sailors scared the shit out of me as I was boarding, they have this obsession with their mascot, like that's going to make any difference if I salute it or not.

I know they've been talking about me, judging me, I heard him and 2Dads talking about me, but, surprisingly, I think he was defending me. I'm not sure how long they've all been together, I get the feeling it will be hard to penetrate the inner circle, plus they're all boys, and I mean, boys.

Shaun's words must have had some kind of impact because I let something slip today. We were on board, he was trying to check that I was okay after he made me spill my coffee all over me, and I said something about going through worse things.

Where the f did that come from? I mean, it's nice to know he's not a complete sociopath, that he has some kind of feelings, but, ugh, get your head in the game! I know I need to let my guard down, but not that much! Luckily we were interrupted by an F.F.V.

Actually, not luckily, guess who was on that F.F.V, bloody Warren, I can't believe he got himself on this assignment! I'm so pissed off! And why was he out there? I feel like we're in this bizarre situation where sometimes I feel like he's looking out for me but then other times I feel like he's undermining me. Haven't I got enough on my plate? I'm hating this already, and I've only been here for a few days!

July 27th

I was too buggered to write last night, I had forgot what it's like to be out at sea, it's exhausting!

I saw a bit of his true side yesterday, he questioned my decision to leave the FFV and take no further action, he questioned me in front of everyone! I mean, the fact that he thought Warren was dodgy aside, it probably means he's got good instincts, haha. It showed a bit of his bad side, I'm not sure if this is makes it harder or easier.

After we arrived back in port, Commander White called me into her office, I thought I was busted or something and do you know the reason? She wanted to see how I was going? How I was settling in? Who does that? They are definitely weird here!

Oh, and to cap off my awesome day, Shaun turned up again tonight, another lecture, does he actually understand how hard my job is? He just gets to watch and listen to my disaster of a life. He told me to relax and go buy new clothes? WTF?! Cos, somehow, that's going to make me a different person? Has he lost it? Please let tomorrow be better!

July 29th

Okay, I've never been one to love clothes shopping, but spending someone else's money makes it tolerable. Shaun told me to go buy some pretty, so I did, a girl needs a new outfit every day, right? Well, apparently the new Kate McGregor does.

So, of course the night I try to put myself out there, I even did my makeup, no one is at the pub. I was about to leave then he shows up.

Somehow I end up inviting him back to my house and spilled my guts, I didn't even have that much to drink! I don't know what it is about him that makes me do that, it was a huge mistake, and I don't make mistakes. I told him things, things that I've never told anyone, but somehow, I couldn't stop talking. I couldn't help it, but then I freaked out, I froze him out, picked a fight. I get this feeling that he actually wants to be my friend, or, he's got no idea about signals. The ruder I am to him the more he tries.

August 2nd 2019

Something interesting happened today, I scheduled a meeting with Warren to try to talk things through. I can't really blame him for being the way he is, I didn't do things right, but I feel like that he should have known on some level that I wasn't ready for the level of commitment that he wanted.

Anyway, he was obviously frustrated, jealous even, I could tell, but there's nothing to be jealous about this is exactly why I don't, and can't, work with him. But then, he showed up, just as Warren was getting, well, more frustrated. He acted like, we were friends, like he was protecting me then Warren gave me the best idea, he said he acted like a boyfriend. A BOYFRIEND?! Finally, Warren has a good idea, I'm going to date him.

Dutchy tossed the book on to the couch and poured himself another glass. He didn't know why she wanted him to read this, it wasn't helping her case. He turned on the TV, Grey's automatically played and he immediately switched the channels. His eyes darted back and forth from the TV to the notebook, he sighed and picked it back up and skipped the next few pages.

August 7th

Warren nearly blew the whole thing today, but, at the same time, it my have helped my plan. He was spying on me, and Dutchy caught him, I had to, sort of, make up this story about bad guys checking up on me. For once I was thankful that an awful thing happened in my past, cos it made it easier to explain things. Anyway, he insisted on staying at my house, we watched movies like normal friends, it was kind of nice. The next morning he cooked me breakfast, if he wasn't the criminal they said he was I think I'd actually like him as a person.

August 11th

He took me to this secluded beach today, it was beautiful. Something out of a stupid movie, you know where people walk down an empty beach spewing their feelings. That's exactly how it went down, we talked, we connected, like real people, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that it was actually nice to have a meaningful conversation with someone, even if it was him.

Dutchy smiled, he could help it, she felt something for him, it was something. The smile soon disappeared as he read the next line.

But it made one thing clear, this was going to be easy. I'll have him eating out of the palm of my hand in no time.

August 19th

Okay, there' so much going on, I haven't had time to write. I think I'm in a little bit of trouble, is it bad that I'm actually enjoying this? I'm hoping it's the fact that I haven't had a genuine connection with a person in a long time. A tiny part of me wonders if he's really capable of doing the things they say he did. We were on an FFV today, and there was an opportunity to take some cash from the fisherman, he didn't, well I'm pretty sure, like, 99% sure he didn't.

I told Shaun that I thought he may be innocent, he didn't believe me, which concerned me, he's normally pretty open to my opinions.

Surprisingly, the best part of the day was spent with Dutchy. We went shopping in Townsville, a store assistant thought we were together, so I guess I'm playing the part okay. He also took me to Windin falls, and, if this was real life, and I wasn't who I was, and he wasn't who he was, I would have jumped him, right there. He talked about his passion for photography and how it helps him to see the beauty in the world, like seriously, this guy looks like a dumb, tough, jock, but he's got this whole other side. I don't want to be falling for these lines, but c'mon, I'm only human. Later on the guys invited him to the pub, but he chose to hang out with me, I don't know what to do!? Actually, yes I do, I need to shut it down, shut, Dutchy, down.

He couldn't read anymore, he chucked the book onto the coffee table and grabbed the bottle of scotch and headed to his room.

The next morning a delicious smell coming from his kitchen awoke him, rubbing his eyes he flung back the covers and plodded down the stairs.

"Frankie? That you?"

There was no response, he walked into the kitchen and frowned, she was leaning over the kitchen bench with a small book in her hand.

"What you reading?"

She jumped hearing his voice and glanced up at him.

"Have you read all of this?"

He realised that it was Lisa's diary, he scoffed and walked past her and poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Yeah, complete fiction…"

"Ah, how far did you get?"

"I dunno, too far…"

"Well, do me a favour and don't give up yet."

Dutchy looked at her strangely and shook his head.

"What's that saying, don't judge a book by the first few chapters?"

He rolled his eyes as she patted him on the shoulder.

"I think it's, don't judge a book by its cover."

She laughed as she placed a plate in front of him.

"Just shut up and eat your breakfast."

Later that day Dutchy sat on the deck, trying to relax, he glanced back inside and spotted the diary on the bench, it was calling his name. Letting out a huff he made his way inside and grabbed it making himself comfortable on the couch. He mumbled under his breath as he skipped a few pages.

September 2nd

He watches Grey's Anatomy! Seriously!? Come on! I can't even!

On a totally different topic, I went to Samaru today, I was a little worried, I've heard some horror stories, but it was actually okay. I over heard Dutchy and 2Dads talking about me, it was perfect, I acted all hurt and he fell for it. It would be perfect if I didn't get these occasional, I dunno, stabs of pain in try stomach, I think it's guilt. It's dumb, I know, but I've always trusted my gut but I don't know what this is telling me. I know I have a job to do, but after spending time with him, he's not really that bad, and it's making me question, well, everything.

Side note, I found the cutest puppy, another thing I can't have with this life.

September 10th

Okay, so everything is going smoothly, we're fake dating, and my plan is working. But I'm starting to feel like a little bit of an asshole, he told me this heartbreaking story about his family. They had a farm and lost everything, he and his mother moved to the city and his father stayed on the farm. He went back on day and he found his father dead in a paddock, we're more alike that he knows, then his mother was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. Why can't he be the asshole, the bad guy that everyone's made him out to be, instead, I'm the asshole, a major asshole!

I met his neighbour too, she was so sweet, she's like his protector and vice versa. I can't believe she's be friends with a criminal, but it's also made me realise something, I never considered the impact on other people. I mean, fair enough lying to him for the greater good, but there are innocent people involved and they've got no clue about what's going on. Having to get his close is hard, harder than I thought.

September 19th

So, Sam got back to me, the money was from his inheritance, what the fuck, Warren? Something weird is going on, that's a rookie mistake, that's the first thing I would do, check where it came from! I've gotta talk to Shaun, what if they're making a huge mistake? What if I'm making a huge mistake? I know what Warren's going to say when I ask him about it, that I'm getting too close, that I'm too involved, and the worst thing, I think I am, but I'd never admit that to him.

October 3rd

I tested Dutchy the other day, we boarded and F.F.V and left him alone with undocumented valuables, and nothing. However, I saw him do something strange on Samaru, he gave this guy some money, I'm not sure why. I didn't say anything, I didn't report it, I kept information from my team. As it turns out he was trying to get the puppy I found back to Australia, I mean, I'm glad that he was doing something nice for me, but it doesn't change the fact that failed to disclose important information about the case. What am I doing? Why am I like this?

October 7th

All these lies, all these stories, it's getting to me! I don't want to be this person for the rest of my life, I think these guys are actually good people, and I can't even be myself around them. I can't let them know the real me and it's killing me, even though they probably wouldn't like the real me, but still. I feel like I could actually have a life here, and I think Shaun is getting worried that I will pack it all in for a happily ever after. I know it could never happen, because, if I had to tell them the truth I don't think they'd ever forgive me, he'd never forgive me.

Dutchy felt his heart beat a little faster, he knew deep down that she wasn't a cold-hearted person, but this made everything worse. He flipped through a few more pages and stopped seeing curse words and laughed.

October 12th

Shit, fuck, shit, this can't be happening! Could I be falling for him for real? I've told him things, things I wouldn't dare tell anyone. I can't let this cloud my judgement, but I can't see any possible way that he's guilty.

He was injured on a boarding, and I think I nearly had a panic attack. Then at the hospital I nearly said it, I nearly said those three little words, what is happening to me?

It gave me a chance to search his house, man, did that make me feel like a piece of crap, I found nothing. I don't know what to think, could he be innocent? I think I have to tell Shaun they got it wrong, there's no evidence, my feelings aside, I can't let him go down for this.

October 19th

Yep, I think I… okay, I can't write it because I can't let it be true because I'm gonna leave. Sometime soon I'm gonna have to leave, and it's gonna be awful, mostly for him. I have to get used to the idea that I can't be here, but I need to be thankful that he's shown me what I could have, what life could be like with someone if you let them in. I will always be grateful to him or that. But, I can't help resent him, and my job right now.

October 25th

I had a chance to end it today, we had a fight about my job, another lie I've had to manage. I should have taken the out! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I just couldn't.

I don't know how I'm going to get out of this one, worse, I don't think I want to. I haven't ever felt the way I do about anyone as I do about Dylan. I can't even talk to anyone about it, I know if I told Shaun, as much as he's like a father to me, he would have to report it, and I don't want to put him in that situation.

Once again, I'm in a situation that there's no good solution to! What if I just quit, could I just stay and live happily ever after? Of course not, the guilt would eat me alive, Kate McGregor isn't even a real person! After this I don't think I deserve to be happy.

November 7th

Oh, my, god, he said it, and, I think, a tiny bit I feel the same way, but I couldn't say it back. We were in my room and suddenly the door was wide open and they saw us, they all saw us, I'm done, we're done. I don't know what's going to happen now. And then, oh my god, then fuck you Grey's Anatomy, why do you have to torture me? I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself.

So, I tried my best to push him away, it was one of the hardest things I've had to do. He made it a little easier by giving me the reason, he was going to give up everything, and I couldn't let him do that. You don't let someone you love, damn it, okay, yeah I said it, I wrote it, whatever. Anyway, you don't let them throw everything away when they don't even know you. I'm officially the worst person in the world, and this is my punishment, not being able to be with the person I love.

November 12th

I told them to get me out, I have to leave, I've done enough damage, he's innocent and doesn't deserve this. I have to leave now, I can't put him through anymore. It makes me feel sick, that I have to do this, I don't think I actually have a choice. I'm about to leave a man that makes me happy, and he doesn't even know the real me or how I really feel about him. I'm about to blindside him and I hate myself for it.

November 14th

Meredith Grey is my spirit animal.

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone, it was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What it you liked it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever."

Dutchy's heart sank, her feelings were real, he was relieved yet he couldn't just forget about what she had done.

He frantically flipped through the pages looking for more, but they were blank. He sat there for a moment thinking, he reread the last entry, he then realised it must have been the day she died, the day she left.

A single piece of paper fell from the back, unfolding it he took a sharp breath in, tears rolled down his cheeks as he reread the sentence over and over.

"Promise to love me, even when you hate me."

End of Chapter 28.