Chapter 34: The Long Way Home

Disclaimer: I'm just a geeky fangirl that likes to play around; I own nothing.

Thanks to Party wa Izuko? by KREVA (hell, KREVA in general), a song that helped keep me upbeat while editing this chapter.

So… this chapter has been almost fully written for years, really. I've just found myself is some huge slumps that have sapped me of any creativity, energy, and happy. I constantly felt the need to work on it, but words just wouldn't come out the same as they used to. Not to mention that I got an idea for a NEW Sensitive Pornograph fic in my head, which seems to always fight this one for my attention. I'll get all that handled.

*A Brunswick Melee Jab is a type of bowling ball. It sounds sexy to me. Gotta love research!

Ueno struggled to come to terms with the day.

All too common in the aftermath of intense stress, Ueno found coming down from this scare almost as distressing as the worry they'd all suffered from before the doctor appeared, informing Ueno's parents that his grandfather would be fine, so to speak.

From there came the staggering load of diagnoses, at-home care instructions and diet suggestions, all given in a comforting, low tone. The tension eased, followed by a dizzying relief that drove Ueno's mother to tears for a different reason, caused his father to laugh, and pulled heavy sighs from nearly every adult family member sprawled around the waiting area as if they'd moved in.

Sure, they'd all dodged tragedy, but holy shit. Now that the dust was beginning to settle and his mother had stated her intent, all that was left was for everyone to wrap their heads around her logic and follow her orders. Before long, the frightening, stressful morning would start to fade into manageable thought, and their heartbeats could slow.

Grandpa was going to recover. Grandma was okay too, but as much as Ueno longed for a woosah, peace was an elusive little fucker and nothing was helping, despite the atmosphere having lightened. Ueno could see the agitation in his father's eyes settle into mere worry as he held his wife's hand and nodded along with whatever she was insisting on, could see the tears on his little sister's cheeks slow to an occasional dribble, could see his brother's rapid pacing derail into aimless shuffling, but Ueno himself felt no less panicked. Understanding that this was all temporary, the eventuality that he'd receive a call summoning him to the hospital again kept him from letting go of his tension.

Logically, he understood that everything would be fine for a time, but deep down, he was still plagued with the inevitable musings of what if, next time, and the like. It was a morbid train of thought, and a useless one; no amount of praying and preparation halted the aging process or healed weary organs. He knew, despite his panic, that he still had time with his grandparents, with his own mother and father, aunts and uncles, and that at least for now, recovery would happen and they would be able to resume their daily lives.

It just wasn't enough. Ueno continued to dwell on terrifying eventualities. He couldn't shake them completely; whenever he slacked off in turning his brain off, his thoughts shot right back to that morning phone call.

Now, Ueno sat in the passenger seat of a sports utility, his brother competent in steering and accelerating them to their parents' home. Three sleepy, confused hellions occupied the backseat, having spent a good part of their day being passed between the laps and embraces of stricken family. Faintly, music floated down to him from the speakers, the soundtrack of a Disney movie playing on the TV suspended from the ceiling, unnoticed by Ueno's nieces and nephew. All three of them were straight up knackered from a long and stressful day. Ueno was confident once he got them fed, cleaned and tucked in, they'd give Ueno and Seiichi a good few hours to get started on their preparations.

Changes rained down on them, but Ueno's mother was good at adapting and making things happen fast. Ueno was good at taking instruction and fulfilling general pack mule duties, which was one of the reasons Ueno got along with his mother like a house on fire. This would work out fine.

"Mom's probably got plenty of leftovers around. We should get the kids fed and down for a nap before we start anything."

Ueno nodded. "Yeah."

"Let's tackle your bedroom first, I guess? We'll keep your car in the garage since it'll be easier to load that way, and then we can move it out front for you to drive home. We can start organizing the garage once the space is open, and then get to scrubbing. Have you got the room to store the rest of your things at your apartment?"

"Mmm." Ueno let his head flop to the side, his temple gently bumping the coolness of the window.

"You could store some of it in the garage, too."

"Mom and Dad will need the storage space for all of the stuff they'll be bringing from Grandma and Grandpa's place. My room is big, but it won't fit two people and their entire house. It's time I moved out completely anyway, right?" Vacating his room specifically made the most sense; his bedroom was larger than standard, and the only bedroom on the second floor, which was at ground level. Additionally, to get to the dining area, they would only have to climb one flight of stairs instead of the two required if they'd moved to the first floor. His mother had told him all of this, already in get shit done stopped, lifting his head to gaze out of his window. "Had to happen sooner or later."

"Could you try not to sound so somber? Once we get everyone moved and adjusted, we'll all start to get used to the way things will be from now on, and I'm sure it won't be bad. When you come home to visit, you'll be able to see all of our grandparents under the same roof, and full houses are always great. And grandpa will pull through this just fine. He always does. Living with mom, she'll make sure he eats better and takes care of himself, too."

"Mmm."

Ueno didn't miss Seiichi's quick glance in his direction. He was on alert, no doubt about it. Ueno couldn't find it in himself to do any damage control, though life would progress more smoothly if he did. Hell, he couldn't even manage more than a grunt in response.

"So," Seiichi trailed off momentarily, lifting a hand from the steering wheel to ruffle his unruly tuft of black curls, "I could be way off in my assessment, but you seem way out of it, and I don't believe in my heart of hearts that it's solely related to the events of this morning."

The morning they'd had was responsible for a lot of it. Ueno pressed his lips together.

"Iiiinteresting." Seiichi always liked to stretch his words out, especially when he got up on his high horse and spoke as if he knew everything. "School? A girl? Identity crisis? Money owed to the mob?"

"Some of those." Ueno popped open that can of worms, tired of caring. If anything, he was pissed at having to be so tight-lipped about his issues, making him more reckless than standard.

"And you don't want to talk about it."

"Nope."

"We'll need something to take our minds off of today. What better way than some little brother angst? Get a ninety percent-a perfectly decent grade- on an exam? Forget some laundry? Pay a bill late? Romantic overtures rejected by a girl?"

"Not now." Ueno dropped his head again. "I'm a little off, but not by anything that you mentioned. I don't want to get into it."

"Are you in any real trouble?"

"Nah." Ueno sighed out his answer, tugging on his fingers. Just heartbroken and a bit terrified of the future; no biggie.

A hand came up and landed heavily on his crown, but Seiichi didn't speak. The voiceless declaration of support and love caused a knot to form in Ueno's throat, and he longed for the energy and freedom necessary to explain everything clearly.

Ueno kept himself stable with deep, slow breathing, able to climb out of the vehicle and haul sleepy children inside without a major mishap. And to his relief, getting food into their systems and sending them off into slumber had been so easy and so in contrast with the norm that it was almost laughable.

Also easier than he anticipated was getting his bedroom squared away. Most of his belongings were already moved to his apartment, with the exception of impractical items he couldn't fathom throwing away and an unhealthy supply of clothing that he no longer wore. His brother left him to his work, and Ueno didn't spend a lot of time right then obsessing over what to do about his problems, mostly just acknowledging they existed and feeling shitty about them.

Despite that, he felt a brief flash of contentment as he removed a pair of skintight slacks from their hanger and folded them neatly. Aki would probably drop dead if he spied the wardrobe Ueno had left behind. Aki wore both fitted and loose garments in designer brands, but his tastes tended to be softer, warmer. Ueno had no doubt Aki would look resplendent in anything he arranged over his slight form, though.

Ueno's tastes, however, ran the gamut; no one who'd known Ueno for a decent amount of time would say that he'd stuck to a particular style. Choosing to filter through his clothing and move the majority of his garments back to the house, he hadn't missed them- not overmuch. Between work and school, Ueno didn't spend as much time coordinating outfits to suit his mood for the day, nor did he concern himself with making sure his hair complemented his getup.

At some point, Ueno had decided that he needed to simplify his life, even in aspects as insignificant as his wardrobe. Casual jeans, t-shirts, sweats, and sneakers were easier to throw together without fear of committing a matching faux pas, and he kept to a more basic haircut, ditching his occasional tendency to change the style, length, and color. At the very least, it had saved him from worrying each morning.

Folding all his garments and packing them neatly in boxes did take a good three hours, counting the organization of his shoes. Ueno could have completed the task more quickly, if he hadn't spent so much time examining his items and remembering their combinations, recalling how he'd felt about himself when he wore them. Dress pants, vests, ties, silk long-sleeved shirts, jeans he spent the better part of a day shopping for to find the perfect fit were lovingly arranged in boxes, ready to be transported to his apartment. There were sweaters, dusters, and jackets that could only be paired with one item. Perfectly fitted running gear, suits, beanies, baseball caps and t-shirts. His collection was formidable, but soon enough, his closet was empty, boxes tightly and neatly packed.

That done, Ueno found himself cross-legged on his bed, a cheerfully decorated book in his lap. While it was certainly more happening to save all memories digitally, Ueno felt special pleasures in holding up printed photos, in flipping through scrapbooks or an album. His mother was great at saving memories; his bookshelves had held numerous photo albums that his mother lovingly organized for him, full of delicious memories and strategically placed stickers, with sweet notations to remind him of the date, location, and time. They kept those past emotions tied to the moment.

Embarking on a trip down memory lane right then would in no way help, but as Ueno opened the cover of an album, he quickly disregarded reason. Reminders of happy times were sure to bring a smile or two, and he needed that. All that remained for him, really, was to schlep the packed boxes and bags to the car, so it was all good. The bedroom furniture would probably remain for his grandparents, though he assumed his bed would be broken down and removed to make room for a larger one.

Ueno focused on the book in his lap. Ah; this one chronicled the events and shenanigans of his last summer break. He hadn't taken any of these photos himself; he'd received a link from Haru to an online photo album, a week or two following their last group outing. His mother had cooed sweetly over most of them, neglecting to comment on the more suggestive ones, and demanded that Ueno download them all. She'd added her own of a few family outings and times spent around the house to round the collection out, thus creating an impressive spread in book form for Ueno to physically flip through.

Less than six months ago, life had been no less hectic, though he seemed to have handled his worries a little more competently. In nearly every photo, he'd managed to beam and pose for the camera, forever the fun-loving, easygoing young man everyone felt comfortable and content around.

And that knowledge had helped in keeping him more comfortable and content too. Kind of a fake it 'til you make it kind of mentality, really, but acknowledgement didn't make the fronting any less effective.

Ueno really missed his old self. And if he was being honest, the old self he was pining for had been long gone well before these photos were taken. The previous self he longed to reclaim didn't experience shortness of breath while standing in front of his closet full of beloved clothing, the daunting task of putting together a matching outfit becoming more and more overwhelming as the days passed, until he'd had to start planning his outfits for the week every Sunday, without the pressure of a looming morning schedule to keep.

The Ueno he missed didn't start prioritizing his day before his eyes slid open in the morning, heart fluttering before his feet even hit the floor because he'd started compiling a to-do list and plan that he already knew he was doomed to fail.

The old Ueno had just been happy being his mother's assistant and kohai because he honestly loved to cook. The previous him took great satisfaction in standing in the center of a scrubbed, aired out room he'd cleaned just because he liked to. The old Ueno never cleaned just to cling to some semblance of control that he knew he no longer held. A less stressed Ueno had been fun-loving, typically laid back, and had balanced school, work, friends, and his home life cheerfully.

In front of him, the most prominent photo was of him, sunning at Tokimeki beach. Etsuko had been sprawled out beside him, head hidden in her arms as she tried to sleep her way to golden perfection.

Ueno smiled at sight, memories of that moment presented with clarity. Ueno had always thought she was cute in a natural, quirky way. Etsuko had suited his old self pretty well. His mother told him so on many occasions, because Etsuko was skilled in charming parental figures too. Ueno and Etsuko had naturally complimented one another; they had never outshone the other with their drive, talent, or charismatic personalities, only seeming to glow more brightly as a pair. That made them perfect for one another, right? Ueno had certainly tried to like her romantically, and was encouraged by nearly everyone who knew the two of them to just get together already.

Ueno chuckled, recalling that at some point, he'd realized she did have some quirks that he'd initially found endearing, and he'd simply chalked them up to her personality, until he just… didn't anymore. He'd marveled at her go-getter attitude, at her ability to see through to the other side of a problem so that she didn't give up her goals going through the fight. Though, in hindsight, it was more like she'd disregarded issues completely with mindfulness in full play. Etsuko tended to aim for the middle pin, gaining momentum as she proceeded down the aisle, to finally hurl herself at a target. Which was exactly what she should be doing.

If she were a polished Brunswick Melee Jab.

And the nine surrounding pins weren't innocent bystanders just trying to live their wretched lives the best they could.

Still, Etsuko sent them all careening to either side, into darkness.

Ueno supposed that was a good quality, depending on who was doing the judging. Perhaps he was looking back on things in a negative light, now that he'd moved on. He chuckled, pausing briefly to peruse the other two photos of Etsuko attempting to serve him a spoonful of her kakigori- which he'd turned down because sweet plum… ew- and the two of them cheesing it up while she gave him some low-key bunny ears before turning the page.

Not a whole lot of time had passed as he power walked his way down memory lane like the three stay-at-home moms on this block did the minute they saw their kids off to school each day, decked out in hideous velour workout attire, but he looked up, disoriented, at the sound of his name. Seiichi appeared in the doorway and announced that it was time for the grown folks to eat.

"Just heard from Mom. They're making good progress at the house, though with eight people packing at the same time, that'll happen. They may stay over tonight, so it doesn't look like you'll have Mom pampering you tonight. Get your ass out here though; you didn't eat at all today."

Ueno unfolded himself from the bed and obediently followed his brother out into the living area. Surprised he hadn't picked up on the scent earlier, he sat quietly while Seiichi dumped a generous scoop of rice into a deep bowl, and then ladled a downright gratuitous helping of soupy goodness over it before pressing it into Ueno's hands.

It was cheap, amazing curry made from a box, unevenly chopped carrots-Seiichi was an impatient cook- and potato peeking up from the curry's deep brown depths. His mother would screech in indignation if she came home to witness such a sight, but she wasn't here, and Ueno felt like hell. While not particularly hungry, he dipped his spoon into the bowl to coat it, and brought it to his tongue.

His contented sigh caught his brother's attention and a smile wreathed Seiichi's features as it registered. "I figured you could use some culinary happy. You look like you fell from the happy tree- hard."

Seiichi was probably the least polite toward his immediate family in speech, but his coddling spoke volumes. Someone could be reeling from his fast tongue, and then enveloped in a hug the next second. The man was also intuitive. The only other person who could rival Seiichi in reading Ueno was Kenta, and of course, he wasn't around to do it anymore.

And Kenta would keel over if Ueno told him the full bodied truth, anyway.

Ueno took a proper spoonful of his breakfast slash lunch slash early dinner. This curry carried a lot of memories for him. He made it alone in his apartment occasionally when he was having a poopy day and didn't have the energy or time to cook properly. It was a comfort to him and while it never cured any illness or obliterated a problem, it relaxed him enough to deal sometimes. It was a meal he normally tucked into with gusto, which was the probable reason that Seiichi could tell that something was way off with his little brother.

Ueno raised his head at the first clearing of his brother's throat.

"School is good, right?"

"Everything is fine at school. Same as always."

Seiichi's grimace almost made Ueno smile.

"Work? New job, right? How is that going?"

"Good. Good hours, good pay, good boss."

"So you're okay on money? Don't need any help?"

"Of course not."

"Not that you would actually ask for help if you did."

"I'd try not to. Mom and Dad pay for enough."

"You're so weird. You're the only one of us who has an issue with that. You insist on paying your way and even pouted when Dad bought you that car."

"It was excessive, and what do I need a car for? It's a much bigger hassle to drive to school and work than it is to walk or hop a train. And parking sucks."

"Mom and Dad worked hard to spoil us rotten. It's almost like you just hate the idea of looking like a rich kid to other people, so you turn shit down on principle. You're in love with the image of the hardworking guy who accomplishes everything by himself and claws his way to the top. Ueno worked himself through med school! What a model citizen."

Ueno mouth clamped down around his spoon, instantly irked. His rebuttal, uttered around his food, was tinged with disbelief. "That's a problem?"

"Oh, come on. It's one thing to have to support yourself. But if you have help and don't take it to preserve some image, where is the logic in that? Accepting help doesn't make you a bad person, or even spoiled. And of course, right now it's not a huge problem, but there will come a time, if you plan on continuing your education, that you'll be swimming in classes and internships and you won't be able to keep a steady job. I guess you've got a few years until you have to mooch."

"Mmm."

"So, work is going well for you, which means you're not experiencing any kind of financial crisis. How's Haruki doing? Still driving you crazy?"

Ueno nodded slowly. "I guess. I barely see him anymore, except between classes every now and then."

"How come? Argument?"

"Not at all. We've both been busy." Ueno bit at his lower lip. "I should call him."

"Totally. It looks like you need a friend."

"You suck at digging for information undetected."

"You're messed up over something and you're not giving me anything to go off of. How do I fix your problem when you won't share?"

"You can't fix everything."

"You're not even giving me a chance." Seiichi was being playful, but his worry was still obvious. "If it's not school, work, or a friend that's stressing you out, it's got to be a girl. Who went and put your dick in a vice?"

Ueno was lucky he'd stopped eating; his bottom lip dropped and he gaped at his brother for a good five seconds before he reclaimed control of his face. "What?"

Seiichi crossed his arms over his chest. "You didn't deny it. So we've narrowed this down to a girl."

"We haven't narrowed it down to anything."

"It's not like you have no interest in dating, but it's never been overly important to you. This one must have done a number on you. How long have you been together? Has she met Mom and Dad? Been to the house?"

Ueno rolled his eyes. "If I had brought anyone home, mom would have told you, and you know that. You're reaching. Stop making up situations in your head."

"My baby brother is hurting. I just want to help."

Ueno dragged a hand over his face. "I don't want any help."

"Is it that one vet hopeful? Please say it's not her."

"Why?"

"I didn't care for her. Way too pushy, and she acted like you were her property. And, you could tell that she thought she was quirky, which she assumed made her abrasiveness look endearing. Oooh, this girl tells it like it is and goes after what she wants. That jarring, yet refreshing bullshit."

Ueno cocked his head. "She's really smart. Top in all her classes. She's great with animals; she's got so much empathy for animals and she dreams of assisting with wildlife conservation. And she's pretty; what's not to like?"

"Whoa. Sorry. I didn't actually think you liked her that way, even though you two were pretty tight. Though it was obvious from the beginning that she was crazy about you. Congrats?"

"I'm not dating her."

"You did just defended the hell out of her."

"Because you were trashing her! It's not her."

"You're too nice of a guy. If you're upset over a relationship, she must have done something really cruel. Or really stupid. Is she messing around on you? Deceitful? Some evil girl that loves gifts but teases too much and won't fully commit?"

"You're being ridiculous."

"Then what about her has got you so upset? And if it's not the vet nerd, what's her name, then?"

Ueno was going to say nothing else. He dropped his spoon into his bowl, noting that the entire thing ended up submerged in curry. Not that it mattered; he wasn't eating any more anyway.

Ueno was so over all of this.

"His name is Aki."

Seconds later, he clapped his hand to his forehead in mortification. Some wires must have gotten crossed. That definitely wasn't supposed to have come out.

Immediately after that, his hand dropped away, and his face dropped to the table top.

He could be thankful, at the very least, that his outburst effectively cut off Seiichi's interrogation. Of course it would have. Ueno didn't drop bombs on his family, but he felt a sick sort of satisfaction at having stunned his brother into silence.

"Huh."

Ueno waited, his heart pounding in his ears in the aftermath of recklessness, possibly about to toss up what little food he'd consumed. He braced himself for the next round of questioning, and each unexpected second of silence made him tense up further. One of his hands had balled up into a fist, his neck corded almost painfully. He'd wanted to tell someone for so long, but he should have waited for a better time.

When Seiichi finally opened his mouth, Ueno was struck with how he should have expected this. Why, oh why, had he braced himself for indignation or anger?

"Pictures, or you're lying."

Ueno's breath left him in a burst of high laughter. This was the only way Seiichi could have responded to his baby brother being propelled out of the closet. Ueno was feeling some kind of way instantly, though he couldn't for the life of him explain it. There was some relief mixed in there for sure, and definitely a little giddiness that probably accompanied a successful parachute landing; the I'm aliiiiiive sort of exhilaration that one felt when they realized they had cheated a splattery ending.

Ueno slowly pulled his face off the table and heaved himself back to a sitting position before he chanced a peek at his older brother.

"I.." Ueno stopped to clear a voice gone hoarse and tried again, "I-I… "

"Oh my God, thank you."

Ueno blinked back tears he didn't know had formed until then, put off by his brother's words. He squeezed his eyes shut as a heavy hand descended on his head again. "For?"

"Knowing you, and how you blurted that out, this was something you've been holding in for a while. We all know how hard you hold onto things and how difficult is for you to let anyone else in on your stress. So I'm sorry for goading you, but not really, since you probably wouldn't have told me today if I hadn't."

Ueno was inept at fully keeping his tears at bay; he could feel the evidence blazing a couple of trails over his cheeks, meeting at his chin, and dropping away.

"He must be special."

Ueno nodded shakily.

"Cute?

"Beautiful." Ueno sniffed, dazedly understanding that some tissue would be helpful right then.

"Nice?"

"He's adorably terrible, but he's so sweet."

"That makes no sense. Just let me see him. I assume you've got photos on your phone, right? Let me get this petty, superficial shit out of the way, and then I want some real answers."

Ueno was too out of it to disobey. He didn't have many photos of Aki stored, as he usually took them when Aki wasn't aware he was being immortalized, but he dug his phone out of the front pocket of his hoodie to show Seiichi what he had. As he woke the device, ignored his notifications and navigated to his photo album, he couldn't prevent the tiny smile worming its way into existence.

A longing he never knew he'd had; to show off the one he loved, was being realized. He was scrolling through photos now, preparing to show Seiichi his boyfriend, and it was such a little thing, something that everyone else did without thinking. An insignificant, yet monumental show of pride, of love. He loved this person so much that he kept digital evidence of Aki's existence on a device he always carried on his person. And every now and then when someone asked, Ueno could open up his app and share him, in a perfect world.

He selected the first photo and turned his phone toward Seiichi. Ueno smiled to himself a little as his brother swiped the phone and all but buried his nose in the screen. Seiichi would probably miss the significance of the photo in general, but Ueno remembered the scene well.

It hadn't been a selfie that time. Mira had actually taken the photo on his own device and sent the file to Ueno a bit later. He'd recently arrived back at Aki's apartment after work, and they had just finished dinner, settling down on the couch to kill a little time before bed. A simple capturing of Aki, nestled under a throw blanket against Ueno, Usagi curled up in a little- huge - ball in their laps.

"I've never seen a raccoon this color before."

Ueno shook his head fondly. "That's a cat Aki rescued. We're trying to slim her down."

"Aki rescues animals? Now I really understand the allure here."

"Aki isn't an activist, if that's what you're getting at. He wasn't, anyway." Ueno tilted his head back in thought. "I had just brought a kitten to his apartment that I had found outside, and Aki apparently got the bright idea one day to get another kitten for him to play with. He ended up answering an ad, and when he got to the house, he saw her and decided to bring her back instead."

"What's her problem? Why is she so big?"

"Crazy cat lady."

"Ooooh." Seiichi whistled. "Sad that the cat was the first thing I noticed. Second: way to go. You never do anything halfway, do you, little brother? He's pretty."

"I said he was beautiful."

"How old?"

"We just celebrated his twentieth."

"Have you met his parents?"

Ueno nodded again. "Yep. His dad is my boss."

Seiichi held up a hand. "Hold on. This is that Aki? Your new friend? The one Mom was talking about after she visited? She loves him already."

"Yeah."

Seiichi tilted his head, sighing. "How did I not put that together as soon as I heard the name? Mom is crazy about him. She called him your friend though. She doesn't know?"

Ueno shook his head. "To be fair though, the first time she met him we hadn't gotten together yet. It's only been a couple of months."

"So… how did it happen? Not that you were really into dating in general either, but I never noticed you having any interest in men."

"We know each other from school. He's a freshman." Ueno was quick to provide supplemental information. "He sort of took a year off, so he's only just starting out. Our breaks match, and we would usually spend them together. If I had to pick a specific day, I guess it would be the one when Mom came over with everyone and they met him the first time."

"Gotcha." Seiichi kept Ueno's phone in his grasp, swiping through photos while he spoke. "Serious?"

"I love him." Ueno saw no point in half-assing his answers now. He didn't want to, anyway. He wasn't a gossip by any means, but he'd wanted to share Aki so badly. Ueno could leave bits and pieces out, but he didn't want to lie. It felt good to be able to speak about the one he loved.

Ueno's brother lapsed into silence, but only briefly, before he hit Ueno with his next round of questions.

"Are you okay? Are you prepared? You're careful, right?"

Ueno squeezed both eyes shut. "We've only been together a couple of months. We're not.. worrying about that part now."

"At all?"

"Not really."

"Meaning what? That you've never had sex, or that you guys are tabling the subject right now?"

Seiichi was sharp. "The second one. We have been together. But.. It was spontaneous, around when we first met, and we haven't done anything since, except for-"

Except for last night, which didn't go so well, is what Ueno wanted to say. But he'd probably already said too much, and the brief relief he'd experienced was gone.

Well, damn. The brick wall Ueno had just run into hurt. He was finally, finally talking about Aki to his family, explaining how they got together, when less than twenty-four hours ago, he'd forfeited his nnright to all of it.

"What is it?"

"Hmm?"

"You look some someone just punched you in the stomach."

"We.. Tried again. Last night, but Aki reacted badly. He had a panic attack, and we haven't really spoken since. I think I accidentally.. broke up with him."

"You think?"

"I said something stupid and ran out on him."

"Slick." Seiichi's grimace, while sympathetic, held a tinge of reproach. "Okay, so this is what's got you out of orbit, mostly." He waited for Ueno's tentative nod before continuing. "So when you said this stupid thing, what were you actually trying to say? Because I'm assuming that you didn't want to dump him?"

Who the hell would be dumb enough to dump someone they loved to the moon and back? "Of course not."

"What were you trying to tell him?"

Ueno fixed his eyes on the single piece of rice clinging to the rim of his bowl, a frustrated gust of air puffing past his lips on an exhale. What message had he wanted to get across?

"T-that I was sorry… for whatever I did to set him off."

"It sounds like you don't know what you want to apologize for."

"Well, no… because I don't know what I did, specifically."

"He didn't tell you?"

"He says it wasn't my fault." Ueno folded his hands, setting them on his lap in an attempt to stay their trembling.

"And you don't believe him."

Ueno swallowed. Hard. He shouldn't have even started to confide in his older brother. It was tricky trying to give information so that he could get sound, helpful advice, unless he divulged the entire truth, which he wasn't prepared to do.

But God, he had tofix this. Aki was too important to him, too precious to lose over fumbled wording. Whatever he had done wrong, he'd never do again, so long as he could find out exactly what the problem was. Sure, whatever memory Aki was laboring under didn't involve him, but Ueno had done something to remind Aki of it. Why else would it have hit him, right then?

And he didn't even want to go down the rabbit hole that was Aki mentioning how he'd freaked out when Ueno cradled his niece. It hurt too badly to think about it.

"I don't believe him. I know I did something that brought on a bad memory for him."

"Before you go any further, answer this: did you push him into sex when he wasn't ready? Is that a possibility?"

Ueno shook his head, completely sure of this particular answer. "No. We've been together once, and that was a while ago. It wasn't planned, and… " Ueno bowed his head, unwilling to see his brother's expression, but needing to be truthful so that whatever advice Seiichi could give held the potential to actually improve the situation, or at least clear his head a little. "and we had just met. That's not like me, I know, but.. well, it happened."

"Agreed. Casual sex isn't you. Though," Seiichi folded his arms on the tabletop after shoving his bowl out of the way, "it's not a crime. Do you regret it?"

"Not even a little." Ueno shook his head again, ignoring the slight mortification in the back of his head and the knowledge that not only had he admitted he had a boyfriend, but had just a spontaneously began to divulge details of his sex life. "And you may not believe me, but there was nothing casual about it. It was really random, a-and abrupt, but I couldn't stop thinking about him after. And I was lucky, because he came to me every day on campus, and never seemed to mind, either. But after that first time, we never tried again. We actually just started talking about it again. Before that, I was happy to leave the sex part alone. We were getting to know each other better, and it was really, really nice."

"Huh. How was it the first time? Did he seem to have any issues then? Seem close to a panic attack? Anxious?"

"No panic. It was," Ueno closed his eyes, head still bowed, "the most amazing thing ever, nii-chan."

Thank God his brother was intent on getting information and not ribbing, because an admission like that would normally have guaranteed some teasing and dramatics. "So what's the difference between then and now?"

He shrugged in response to his older brother's inquiry.

"Nothing at all?"

"Well, he had been quiet all day. More than usual. Um." Ueno paused to really think about the day before, and Aki's demeanor throughout their time in his apartment. "Yeah. He seemed preoccupied, like he was thinking kind of hard about something, but that's not.. unexpected from him, sometimes. We were at my place, and mom was there, with everyone else. He didn't eat much, but he hardly ever does. Maybe he ate even less yesterday. But he didn't seem upset, just.. working stuff out in his head."

"So you decided that was the night to initiate sex again? When he seemed anxious and not himself?"

"No!" Ueno gaped at his brother, incredulity clear as day in his outburst. But wow, if that hadn't been the most logical, glaringly obvious reason to turn Aki down, he didn't know what was. "I didn't initiate anything; he did!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. Calm down."

"I didn't say no; I didn't want to say no. But really, I was fine ignoring all of it! I was happy just being around him. We were at a point where we were doing everything together, learning all that little stuff, and I was cool with that, but.."

"Sex is a heathy part of a relationship. I'm not trying to judge you for trying, and I think it was a smart move to wait to continue that part of it, but something seems weird here. What, exactly, were your reasons for waiting?"

"Because I felt like we had skipped so much stuff… all those things in the middle that you learn before you're supposed to sleep with someone. We'd already rushed things once, and we were lucky it didn't ruin any chance we had. I didn't want to mess it up, wanted to know him better and make sure we were both completely ready."

"Was Aki in agreement?"

"More or less."

"Huh. That didn't sound very convincing."

"He was open to us… resuming that part of the relationship. It was more me that held back. I was… worried. He's had… um. He's had other experiences that didn't go well."

"Bad breakups? That's too bad. But it sounds like you held back more than him due to his past, when he didn't seem to want that, at least not as badly as you."

"That's true, but I couldn't push it, not after what he'd been through." Ueno squeezed his eyes shut again, steeling himself; he'd gone this far, so he didn't see how it would hurt. "You can't repeat this."

Seiichi sat still.

Ueno waited. "I can't believe I told you any of this at all, but I can't take it back now. I do need to talk about it. But I don't want anyone judging him. Or talking about it. Promise."

Seiichi nodded, eyebrow raised.

"Okay. Um. He was… um."

"Ueno."

"Abused?"

His older brother grasped at both of his own elbows, any trace of humor long gone, his voice soft in his reply. "Raped, specifically, is what you're trying to tell me."

Ueno nodded shakily.

"I'm digging too deep at this point. I know I am, but I have to ask: did this happen in between your first experience and this one?" At the furious shaking of Ueno's head, Seiichi's face wrinkled in confusion. "So before. How recently?"

He was going to throw up. Right on this table, in front of his brother. Was he betraying Aki's trust by doing this? They'd never discussed keeping this all to themselves, but really, it was a no brainer. Could Ueno confide in his brother this thoroughly?

But, it wasn't as if he could just clam up now and say never mind. In addition, he wasn't in an optimal frame of mind necessary to whip up a creative, believable lie to finish this off.

Ueno sat up straight. Okay. To give his brother the full picture, he needed to tell the truth, just not the entire truth.

"Recent enough. And it continued- on and off- for years."

"Ueno. For years?" Seiichi hissed at this younger brother. "It sounds to me, then, like he's been abused by someone he trusts. You're not trying to tell me he's been sexually assaulted by multiple people over the course of.. how many years?"

"Almost eight," Ueno whispered, ".. h-he um. He was twelve when it started. And no; it was one person."

"And currently?"

"Out of his life before I got serious with him. Don't ask me how."

"Shit. Okay. When I started giving you heat over telling me about your life, I assumed you were going to complain about some severe case of blue balls you were suffering from at the hands of someone at your school. Or that you'd gotten a B on a fucking test, or that Haru had borrowed money and pretended not to remember. I didn't expect you to spill something this serious." Seiichi took a fortifying breath before continuing, "Is he safe now?"

Ueno nodded. "They aren't in contact any more. Now that he's older, he's able to… make sure he stays away himself."

"He had to be around them?"

"Yeah, he had no choice sometimes."

"Okay. I'm no detective on one of those crime shows Sachiko likes to watch with her mom. You know, they sit there and try to figure out what's really going on before the narrator can spoil it for them, and they're pretty good at it. I'm not one of them, but if this is an adult?" He waited for Ueno's nodded confirmation. "If this is an adult that's quite a bit older than him that he had to be around.. obviously it's not a random adult. It's an authority figure, right?"

Ueno cocked his head.

"Like a family doctor, teacher, or family member. Or was it a peer? Were they close in age?"

Alarms sounded from between his ears, blaring and painful. He had to pull back. This was the one piece of information he had to refuse to confirm.

He shrugged, fudging just a little. "I know next to nothing about the actual person. Just that they're no longer a part of his life, and he keeps it that way the best he can. Since enrolling in classes, he's moved away, so I'm assuming he's less likely to see whoever it is."

That threw in all kinds of variables for Seiichi to chew on. Moving meant he was away from most of his family, probably, but also meant he'd moved away from instructors and, likely, his doctor. He hadn't confirmed or denied anything there.

"Does his family know?"

"No. I'm hoping one day he'll be able to trust them enough to tell them what he's been through. They love him so much; they really want him to be happy."

"Is he at least seeing a professional about this?"

"He isn't, though I wonder if he's even considered it. I may mention it if.. if we end up talking again."

"Oh, right. We went way left during this convo; so, you wanted to say that you were sorry for what, exactly?"

The relief he felt when his brother deliberately circled back to the main topic was almost palpable. "H-he told me that he got lost in his head during the whole thing, and couldn't get out. A flashback, maybe? I must have triggered it, some kind of way. He- he hit me. And panic seemed to kick in; he had trouble breathing, and he was crying, trying to call me." Ueno pushed himself back from the table, pulling his knees up. "It was really bad."

"As bad as yours?"

"Worse," Ueno whispered, wrapping has arms around his legs, "I think."

"How did he come out of it? Did you walk him through breathing, through focusing?"

He felt pinpricks beneath his eyelids, and he blinked rapidly to bring the sensation under control, to no avail. "No," he answered, all at once ashamed and stricken, "I couldn't think straight. I just held him, and told him I was there… rocked him, and eventually it all stopped. But then, once it seemed like he was back in his own head and figuring out what had just happened, he pushed me away, locked himself in my wash room, and refused to come out."

Nearing the end, Ueno felt heavy, but determined to conclude things. "It took a while for him to come talk to me. He was really off, of course. He tried to take care of me," Ueno gestured toward his cheek, "but at that point, I didn't even want him to touch me. I let him go home, but when I tried to check on him to make sure he got there safe, he wasn't answering. I even went to his apartment and he wasn't there."

Ueno waited for his brother to drop a question, but his brother was intent, somber, and silent.

"I kept calling him until he answered. He was walking home, but I know he left in a cab. In the middle of the night."

"Maybe he needed to let off some steam?"

"Yeah.. Probably. I just wish he was more cautious. Even with all he's been through, it's like he doesn't comprehend that something could happen to him. I'm scared of what could happen to him if he was on his own."

Seiichi cocked his head. "What does that mean?"

"He's smart for sure, but he's a total airhead at the same time." If that wasn't the truth. "Aki would rather call housekeeping than change his own bedding. He tried to make me a salad, and looked at me like I was stupid when I asked him why he was boiling the carrots and cucumber for it."

Seiichi had an odd look on his face, one Ueno was pretty sure indicated some variety of amusement. "Sounds pretty funny to me."

"He's fallen out of bed, like, four times, and just went back to sleep on the floor. Once, it was like one in the morning and I woke up because I felt him climbing out of bed. I thought he had to pee or something, but he went into the kitchen. So okay, maybe he's getting some water. He stumbles back in a minute later, holding one cracker. He starts to chew it, gets back in bed, and passes out before he finishes the job. So he's lying there, mouth open, with a lump of half chewed cracker on this tongue."

He recognized his derailment as he observed the amused smile on his brother's lips. "Did he wake up later and finish it? Or did he choke, requiring you to administer the Heimlich?"

Ueno smiled too, at the memory. "Neither. I just kind of scooped the cracker off. He didn't wake up; just turned over."

Seiichi snorted. "He sounds like fun."

Ueno sobered. "He is; just being around him puts me in a good mood, even if we're not doing anything. You'd think he'd be consumed with all the stuff that happened in his life, but he usually isn't. He's happy to be back in school and he's starting to get along with his family. He prefers to be more private, but he's not socially awkward or mean. He's sweet, and usually so chill; nothing really fazes him. He's starting to really get into taking care of the cats; he's always reading something about kitten care or getting Usagi healthier."

Ueno tilted his head back, taking a breath. "Maybe that's why this is so… jarring? I never saw that type of reaction coming. He really had me thinking that he was over all of it. I'm totally fine with waiting; I wish I had known so I could have stopped things."

"So, needless to say, you don't want to break up with him." At Ueno's vehement shaking of his head, Seiichi continued. "Then how did you accidentally break up with him?"

"I don't know if I did. Or, I don't know if he took it that way. I know if he'd said it to me, that's what I would have thought."

"Again: what did you say?"

"That…t-that it wasn't working out."

Ueno's brother pursed his lips. "Yeah. You dumped him, pretty much."

His blood ran cold. "I think I did. I didn't know what I was saying, or how to say it. I.. panicked?"

"Since you're not panicking now, take a deep breath and tell me what you meant by it wasn't working."

Ueno paused, following Seiichi's instruction a few times before he found his words. "That I messed up." He sighed. "When I found out what happened to him, I worried a lot about if I'd be able to handle things. I didn't think once about leaving or backing off, and told myself that I could be there for him, and we could get past it. And because we'd already been together once, it never crossed my mind that he would panic when we tried again. I think I expected him to have bad moments, but not then. Something I did-"

"I understand where you're coming from. But you can't blame yourself for his reaction. I know how scary it must have been to see someone you care about so much struggle with their anxiety, with their own mind. You feel powerless; I did, when you were going through them. I can't imagine the scale of Aki's stress, or was going through his mind when it happened."

Seiichi sat back, worrying at his lower lip, holding his little brother's gaze. "And knowing this, I worry about you. You've never been able to separate yourself from the things you can't control. You beat yourself up so hard when you feel like you've failed, when you haven't managed to save the day, when methods you're positive will help stand no chance."

"That's not what I-"

Seiichi held up a hand, effectively cutting Ueno off. "That's what you do. You set impossibly high standards, and never accept that you're just human, or that you have your own needs and limitations. You do."

Ueno bit his lip. Seiichi was reaching, as always. Making Ueno's issues out to be much more drastic and all-consuming than they really were. He knew better than to argue, though, so he kept his mouth shut.

"And I'll tell you something: out of concern for your own well-being, I would never encourage you to willingly get romantically involved with someone going through this kind of shit. Not because he's not worth it, but because of the way you internalize the problems of people close to you, make them your own, and buckle under them."

Ueno clenched his fingers, still in his lap.

"It'd be stupid to suggest that you pull away. You've made it perfectly clear how much you care about him, and I don't think all problems are insurmountable. Plus, despite how hard you are on yourself, you are good for people. You heal just by caring. He's been abused for years; who knows how long it will take to come to terms- really come to terms- with that? You being there for him for a few months can't be enough. It probably helps, but this is likely something he'll have to struggle with for the rest of his life; you didn't cause that, and you can't change it. Part of you being there for him is knowing that you can only do so much, and knowing when to hang up your cape, or wait for him to show you what he needs." Seiichi clapped his hands together twice. "Now, that's all shit to deal with another day. What you need to do right now is simply explain to him that what you were trying to say is that you felt like you contributed to the problem, got frustrated, and spoke poorly."

That would make sense, if not for what Seiichi didn't, and couldn't, know. There was no way Ueno could explain to his brother how they had met, or the countless men Aki had to perform for. He'd never know about Aki being isolated from his family, of the guilt Aki felt toward his sister and her fate. His advice could only be partially accurate, in bits and pieces.

Ueno would have to eat the fish a little later, split out the bones, and figure out how to proceed. But at the very least, he could apologize to Aki for his reaction and thoughtless words, and go from there.

How to even approach Aki at this point was the real problem. He thought about making a phone call, but-

Formerly dormant, his phone sat on the table next to his abandoned bowl of goodness. Now, the illuminated screen alerted him to an incoming call. He scooped it up and answered.

"Hi, Mom."

"How goes the cleaning, honey?"

"We're done with my room. Everything's packed; I just need to move it all out. The kids must have been really tired; they're all still asleep."

"Did you make sure to feed them?"

"They ate before bed."

"And Hana?"

"No accidents. We took her outside as soon as we got here, she ate, and now she's in bed with the kids."

"That's good." His mother sighed thinly. "I assume your brother told you we're planning to sleep over. We're done for today, but I definitely don't feel like coming home only to turn back around first thing in the morning."

"That makes sense."

"Mmm. It'll just be your father, sister, and I. Rin is on her way home to pick up the kids."

"Well, I got them nice and rested. They'll be all perky and ready to ruin her night by the time she gets here."

A giggle reached his ears. "They had a long, confusing day. It's just as likely that they'll get home, eat dinner, and go right back to sleep. Anyway, how are you feeling?"

"Okay."

"Ueno."

"Really."

"Sweetie, I can hear it in your voice. No one is okay right now, but I know how you get. Don't sit there and brood over this all night. It was scary, but it's over. Watch and see; we'll get them nice and settled in our house where I can keep an eye on them from now on, and things will be fine. Especially now that I can cook all his meals and monitor him. This is going to work out."

"Okay, Mom."

"Don't spiral, sugar- please. Call me if you need anything, you hear me?"

"Yeah, Mom."

Ueno waited for his mom to disconnect. He wasn't exactly eager to resume his conversation with this brother, so while Seiichi cleared off the table, he absently pulled up the notifications that he couldn't be bothered to acknowledge earlier.

A follow-up text from Satou san, requesting an update and asking how he could be of any help. Ueno tapped out a positive response, though he declined the offer of assistance.

He blinked. His boss replied almost immediately.

Boss: Glad to hear it. Please know the offer of help always stands. And if I may be so bold, please let my child know how you're doing. He's been worried about you all day. .･ﾟﾟ･(／ω＼)･ﾟﾟ･Big shock, right? w(°ｏ)w

Something grabbed at Ueno's chest and clenched. Normally he'd spend a second snorting over the kaomojis Satou san insisted on inserting into every one of his messages.

"What's with that cheesy smile you've got going on over there?"

Ueno shook his head absently in dismissal, backing up to check his less recent messages of the day.

Kobayashi Etsuko: Haruki said your grandfather is in the hospital. What happened?

Me: Mild cardiac episode is what they're thinking. He should be fine, but thank you for checking.

Kobayashi Etsuko: Can I do anything to help? Will you be in class on Monday?

Me: Probably not. I'm at Mom and Dad's right now. No help, but thanks.

Kobayashi Etsuko: You sure? Things have to be hectic rn. I can bring dinner or just let you vent? What are you doing there?

Me: No, really. I'm fine but thanks again. Moving both grandparents in so we need to clean. Lots of packing.

Kobayashi Etsuko: Ah. Still, an extra set of hands would help, would like to see you anyway.

Me: Nice of you. We got it handled. Thanks again!

Ueno backed out of the thread, fervently hoping she didn't push any further, and moved to the next.

Haruki: Hey, got ur msg. Grandpa is ok, right?

Me: He will be. They're keeping him a little while for tests. May have had a small heart attack.

Ueno moved on.

He was unprepared for the next string of text.

Aki mine: I love you. I'm here.

Ueno bowed his head, knowing good and well that he was smiling again. It felt too weird and against nature to train his face back to neutral, so he didn't even try stifling it.

He gently set his phone down, unsure of what to say, but thanking higher sources that despite how Ueno had behaved, Aki had been caring enough to take the first step.

Ueno wanted to say so much but didn't know where to begin, what to focus on. It seemed a bit of a dick move to talk about his grandfather but not acknowledge what had happened earlier that morning. Though, he also didn't want to ignore the terror that was his grandfather's health scare and simply talk about the issues involving their relationship. They were both weighing heavily upon him, and he couldn't figure out which one should take precedence.

But, he had to say something. Aki had taken the first step, though he wasn't responsible for any of this.

Seiichi's words were true. Summed up, they were pretty accurate.

Suddenly, the day caught up to him. He hadn't slept in well over a day, and was now completely robbed or energy and motivation. He was ready for a shower and one last rest in his old bed.

Seiichi helped Ueno haul the remaining contents of his bedroom to the garage and arrange them in his car. It was a snug fit, but they made it happen and satisfied with his progress, Ueno fell into bed after a shower and soak, drunk with fatigue. Eventually, he slipped into sleep, though not before finally tapping out his acknowledgment of Aki's olive branch, unsure but hopeful.

If someone or something would look out for him right now, he'd never behave like such a colossal asshole again.