Chapter 30 – Therapy

Knowing I was Bella's endgame, just as she was always mine, was an incredible feeling. It just reassured what I already knew; eventually we would find our way back to each other.

In the meantime, however, I was suddenly having a really tough time without her. Not in an emotional sense, like before, but in a physical sense. Her unexpected visit and departing kiss had re-awoken that side of me, and now I was swimming through my intimate thoughts. Everywhere I looked, my mind went there. Like a horny teenager, I managed to turn the most basic mundane things into sexual thoughts. It was fucking ridiculous, but for the life of me, I couldn't make it stop.

But it wasn't even random sexual thoughts either; they were all very specific. I'd lie in bed at night and imagine holding her naked body against mine. I'd take a shower and I imagined her washing my skin. I'd get in my car, and I'd picture her hand going for my crotch. Hell, even in the bathroom at work, I couldn't help but daydream about fucking her in a stall. It was driving me insane, and my hand alone seemed to only make those desires more frequent.

I tried to get my mind off of it by somehow finding even more time to socialize. If I wasn't alone, those thoughts were usually kept at bay. But on work nights, I didn't really want to leave town, so my choices were limited. The problem was, those limited choices had become far too common and lackluster for me, and I found myself slipping back into my old mindset of being perpetually bored. Boredom only added to my unwanted incessant thoughts, so I needed to find something else to fill my time.

On one particularly desperate evening, I knew I was liable to go insane if I was alone. Unfortunately for me, Garrett was busy with his family, and all of my other recent acquaintances were also unavailable for various reasons, so I drove around aimlessly trying to find anything at all to spark my interest.

And then I saw it...

The fucking shit excuse for a podunk nightclub.

"Ah, fuck it," I said before pulling into the packed parking lot.

I hadn't been back there since the first time I met Alice, and I never really planned on returning again. It wasn't my scene anymore. Sweaty bodies grinding against each other in some ridiculous form of desperate sexual contact. That was the place to find one-night stands and casual hookups. It was probably the last place I should go since I definitely wasn't looking for a fling, but the music was always loud, and the drinks were always strong – two requirements I needed to drown out my thoughts and get me through that evening.

Once inside, I couldn't help but groan. The loud music was almost too loud, and the lights were flashing and giving me an immediate headache. It smelled like BO and cheap perfume, and the people on the dance floor looked like they were dry-humping as if their lives depended on it.

I wanted to leave immediately, but for whatever reason, I made my way to the bar and ordered a drink.

"I'll have what he's having," the woman standing next to me told the bartender.

I glanced at her and nodded in acknowledgment of her presence, because she clearly wanted me to see her, and then I returned my attention to the swaying mass as I waited for my drink.

Of course, I should have known she wouldn't be satisfied with just a nod.

"Hey there," she said while moving closer. "I haven't seen you in a while."

I looked back at her. "Do we know each other?" I asked confused.

She smiled, flashing her dimples that made her look just like an adult Shirley Temple.

"No, not necessarily," she replied. "But I remember you from when you used to frequent this place a while ago. What's it been, like a year? Maybe two?"

"I don't know. I guess not long enough," I told her evenly. I turned back to the crowd in an attempt to show her I wasn't interested in conversing, but she wasn't getting the hint.

"You know, me and my girlfriends always used to fight over who got to approach you. You actually fucked two of them… at different times, of course. Unfortunately, you stopped coming in here before I got my turn," she said brazenly.

Her lack of subtlety made me reflexively look at her again, and that's when I realized she had moved even closer and her cleavage was out in all its glory, almost touching my arm.

There was a time when I would have definitely been interested. Her face was cute, and her body would make Jessica Rabbit envious. But one look from me was all she was going to get, because I was no longer that guy. Despite my desperate desires as of late, I honestly couldn't take that girl home even if I wanted to. It wasn't a matter of some honorable intention of being faithful to Bella; it was just due to the sheer fact that my fantasies could only be fulfilled by one of four girls – four girls that all shared the same body. I had become completely hardwired for Bella in every way, and intoxicated or not, I couldn't even imagine that changing.

"I'm sorry you missed your chance," I told the chick carelessly. The bartender finally gave me my drink, so I took it and walked away from her. Of course, I didn't go far. My drink ran dry way too soon, so I was quickly back at the bar ordering another one.

After three more chicks gave me their best attempts, I had enough. It didn't matter how good the alcohol was in that place, it certainly wasn't worth all that bullshit.

In a last-ditch effort to get properly inebriated as quickly as possible before leaving, I ordered two shots, and then I made my way to the exit. I planned to call an Uber and return the next day for my car, but no sooner than I pulled up the ap, I was approached one more time.

With a tap on my shoulder, she said –"Leaving so soon? I was hoping for a dance."

I briefly considered ignoring the woman and continuing on my way, but that voice –although difficult to hear under the sound of the loud music – was impossible to ignore.

My head snapped up in her direction, and I immediately smiled.

"Well, I'm not the best dancer, I only came for the drinks," I told her honestly.

"I'm not the best dancer either, but who the hell cares? I came to shake my ass and that's exactly what I'm going to do," she told me enthusiastically. "I bet you're just being modest about your dancing skills. Want to give it a go?"

I smiled at her again, because how could I not? And I took her hand and followed her out to the dance floor, because how could I say no to a face like that?

We didn't talk much, and the words we did exchange were mostly drowned out by the music. We made it through two songs when the alcohol must have completely taken over and I lost all my inhibitions. Like many others around us, we crashed together and made out like we were trying to swallow each other whole.

The entire thing was a bit surreal, and I wasn't sober enough to even know if it was really happening or not. I didn't know how or why she was there, and at that moment, I didn't even care.

Somehow, she ended up pulling me somewhere. We could have been in a storage closet or a back alley for all I knew. I wasn't paying attention whatsoever to our surroundings; all I knew was that we were somewhat alone, and she was going for my pants.

Without the ability to think rationally or consider the consequences, I lifted her up and went for it. There was no desperation greater and no desire more intense. I couldn't stop it even if I tried, and her eagerness only made those feelings escalate tenfold.

As I pounded into her, neither of us could keep quiet. If I had been of sound mind, I probably would have cared that our loud grunts and moans were likely drawing unwanted attention… probably. There was even a point when I vaguely heard giggles somewhere in the vicinity, but none of it mattered. It had been far too long, and this time-bomb had run out of ticks. It was exploding out of me in every way, and I could do nothing but hold on tight and wait for it to finish.

"Holy fuck!" I practically cried when my orgasm hit. It was so strong that I nearly dropped her and fell over.

"You have no idea how much I needed that," she said as she struggled to catch her breath.

"Holy fuck," I repeated, except this time much softer as my wits slowly returned to me.

I didn't want to pull out of her, I didn't want to separate from her at all, but we certainly couldn't stay like that forever, so I achingly forced myself back and whimpered a little in doing so.

"Okay, we are going to have to do that again real soon," she mumbled against my neck as we leaned on each other for support and attempted to redress our lower halves. "Then again, it wouldn't be sex with a stranger anymore if we did it a second time," she said, confusing the hell out of me.

I looked at her perplexed, so she giggled.

"I'm trying to appease my inner Alice. It's actually part of my therapy."

I laughed once. "I'm not trying to sound jealous, but…."

"I did not come here for that," she clarified quickly. "I just came here to dance."

"Oh," I said, still not fully understanding her.

"Come on, let's go somewhere," she said before grabbing my hand and pulling me out of what I realized was definitely a bathroom stall.

We walked through the crowd on the loud dancefloor, and stopped at a table of women where she said something in one of their ears, and then we continued out to the exit.

"Bella, where are we going?" I asked as she pulled me around the corner of the building.

"Right here," she said, gesturing to a bench. "It was just too loud in there. I want to talk to you."

"What are you doing here?" I asked before she even had the chance to explain.

She looked at me slightly irritated, so I just sat next to her and let her talk.

"My therapist and two of my inpatient peers are here with me. Like I said inside, this is part of my therapy."

"Wow, fun therapy," I said, only half joking.

"Actually, it is. See, I'm in the process of accepting that my alters are just parts of my own self, so I'm working on embracing all of them. I've spent the day at the mall, for Tanya. I played with rescue animals for Bree. Tonight, it's Alice's turn. I just came here to dance like I know she's been itching to do, but then I saw you and figured, what way to better understand Alice than to have sex with a stranger? I mean, that was her thing for a long time."

"I'm not a stranger," I argued lightly.

"Aren't you though? I mean, I know you've changed since we were together last, and I'm certainly trying to change. In a way, strangers is exactly what we are."

I sighed. "I suppose… except it doesn't really matter who we become, because we still belong together."

She smiled the kind of smile that lights up her entire face, and my heart fluttered as a response.

"Well, that's a given," she agreed with my statement, but then she fell serious again. "Um, I'm actually glad I ran into you tonight… apart from the sex, which was really great by the way. You have no idea how much I needed that. But um… I sort of have been meaning to call you, but it didn't feel right to say this over the phone."

"Whatever it is, just tell me," I said, feeling anxious about her hesitation.

"It's just a lot to ask of someone, and I don't want you to feel pressured or anything."

"Bella, just say what you need," I insisted.

"I need… you," she said unexpectedly. "I've come to the part in my therapy where I'm digging deeper in my past, and if I'm going to be able to accept it and fully move on, I feel like I need to stop being so ashamed of it. It's not something that I chose, or I did to myself, so I need to stop feeling like I need to hide it. I want to tell you everything that I know. I want you to know my darkest moments, and maybe… if you still want me after you know everything, maybe then we can finally move forward again. Like, I'll still be living at the facility for a bit longer, but I'm getting more and more time out on my own, and I want to see you. Maybe go on some real dates?"

I smiled but tried to fight it off. "I don't know. I don't usually do follow ups on my casual flings with strangers."

She giggled. "You know, I'm remembering a lot more from my alters' time in control, and correct me if I'm wrong, but one of your past casual flings with a stranger turned into an extended relationship that you're still not quite over."

"Yeah well, that chick turned out to be crazy," I teased her. "Which is exactly why I don't do it anymore."

She stared at me for a moment, and pretended to be offended, but she couldn't help but laugh.

"Very true. I can see your point. Dating is terrifying these days. You just never know when a lover will turn into an insane psychopath that sprouts multiple personalities."

"But that can be kind of fun too," I told her.

"Fun for a while, but then it can get to be too much. That's not the kind of chick you want to bring home to meet the parents."

"Oh no, I did that too. I was slightly disappointed though. I was kind of hoping she would jump on the table and scare the shit out of my parents' guests. Oh well. Maybe next time."

"There will never be a next time," she countered. "I have my parts under control now…"

"What is it?" I asked gently when she seemed to get lost in a thought.

"Edward, will you still want me when I'm not crazy anymore?" she asked quietly. "I mean, I'll always be a little crazy, but… without the suspense of not knowing when my alters will take over, and the variety they bring, I may just be… boring."

"Baby, you could never be boring," I told her with the utmost of sincerity. "And it was never the suspense of your alters that appealed to me. That part was rather difficult actually. As far as variety goes, Bella, all of those different personalities were all still you. Everyone has moods and character shifts. Everyone gets angry and sad sometimes; or silly, or feels like a child at times. The only difference between you and most other people is that you would lose consciousness and memory in between. Fixing that could only be a good thing."

"I hope you still feel that way after we start spending time together again," she said, almost incoherently.

I responded by lifting her chin up so I could have access to her lips. I kissed her hard yet tenderly and made sure she felt all of my love in that kiss. She had enough shit to deal with, she sure as hell didn't need to have any insecurities about my love for her added on to everything. My love for her was strong and irrevocable. If she was sure of nothing else, I needed her to be sure of that.

"I'm going to marry you someday, Bella, and I'll spend the rest of my life making sure you know just how much I love you for you. I love all your pieces individually, but mostly, I love them as a whole. I love you, Bella, and I'll make sure that's the one thing you won't ever have to question again."

She smiled and stroked my face, before leaning in and kissing me again. "I love you too. More than you could ever know," she said emotionally. "Will you come?"

"Come?"

"To the facility next week. I want to talk to you there about my childhood, so that my therapists are close by if I need extra help."

"Of course I'll come. Anytime. Just tell me."

She kissed me again, and then pulled away and stood up. "I will text you. Okay?"

I followed her lead and stood up too, but before I could grab her hand again, she turned and practically ran away from me and straight back into the building. I could only assume she was returning to her companions, so I let her go, but it took everything I had in me to not go after her and beg her to come home with me. The only way I was able to leave her there at all was knowing she was with people who were helping her, and that we were going to see each other again soon….