Author note: I'm actually starting to hate this story, because it's being written in my head from the end to the start. So We're getting there. It's been a long journey and we're not done yet. Not by a long shot. I promise if you stick with me, it will be worth it! I love you all, please continue to read, share and review. Now, I should go.

When I was finally released from Huerta, I quickly learned that life had continued on despite my injury. Normandy had been ordered to port for maintenance and retrofits that were expected to be completed any day; and a memorial service had been held for Sgt Addison Chase and Lt Kaidan Alekno on board the ship, but another had been scheduled at the Alliance Embassy that happily coincided with my release.

I had been unconscious when Ashley and Charles led the crew through the regular military rituals required when a soldier is killed in action. Their bodies could not be recovered and so their headdresses were wrapped and sewn in ceremonial Alliance sailcloth and released from the cargo airlock. The crew had shared tears and laughter as Charles and Ash agreed to increase the maximum alcohol policy from two drinks to four.

The memorial service held at the embassies took great care to respect both Kaidan and Addison's preference for land burial. Empty coffins draped in Alliance flags were displayed along side the "death pictures" both had taken before deployment on Normandy. Each soldier's awards both old and new sat below Alliance dress uniform caps. I spoke briefly about their commitment to the Alliance, to their subordinates, to their crews and to their families. Most in attendance had never met either of them, but respected the sacrifice nevertheless. I was moved that all Normandy crew, both alien and human, had attended the service, insisting on sitting in the first row. Even more moving was witnessing Garrus, Wrex, Liara and Tali each mimic the Alliance crew when approaching the coffin to give a final salute.

Garrus balled his hand into a fist and pressed it straight to his chest, forming a straight line down the center of his body and lowered his head. This gesture was symbolic of Turians holding their comrades sacrifices in their hearts.

Wrex violently thumped both fists against his chest and roared, a gesture that represented Krogan promise of revenge for a fallen warrior worthy of such respect.

Tali pressed an open hand to her heart and muttered "Keelah sa'lai", roughly translating to "by the homeworld I hope to see."

Liara approached both coffins and raised her head to the false sky, one hand hung free while the other drew a line down the center of her face with her thumb. This gesture symbolic of asking the Goddess for protection and peace for lost commandos.

As each alien gave Alliance soldiers a final salute in their own species' military tradition, the room fell so silent you could hear a pin drop. Such an expression of unity had rarely been seen, if ever.

I was last to say goodbye and gave a crisp salute according to Alliance regulation. As the embassy theatre cleared out I remained behind to speak with dignitaries, co-workers and friends; as was my duty as their CO. No family had been in attendance, the empty coffins of a son and a mother, daughter, and spouse would be repatriated to Earth in the coming days. Alliance personnel, none of whom would be from Normandy, would accompany each coffin to their families where proper funerals would take place. It bothered me a great deal that I couldn't be there to grieve with each family and I made a promise to myself that I would personally visit each family who had lost a loved one under my command, so long as I also survived.

When the last guest departed I sat down on a theatre chair and felt the photos of Addison and Kaidan bearing down on me, urging me to grieve like I deserved, like I needed to. As I wiped silent tears from my eyes I felt a strong hand on my shoulder.

"Tough day" Anderson said matter-of-factly as he squeezed my shoulder and took the seat beside me.

I cleared my throat and pressed my eyes with the palm of my hands, willing the tears back into my body, "yeah", I replied, my voice cracking through emotion. "They were good people." I said, testing my voice for steadiness again.

Though my tears had stopped, my face surely displayed the outward expression of grief I had been experiencing. I knew I'd have to remain here a while longer, until my eyes were dry and my face no longer flushed. When I really thought about it, crying was a rather bizarre thing for any creature to be capable of. What purpose did it serve other than revealing too much?

"I heard a funny story about him, actually" Anderson chuckled. "When I heard he passed, I put out the feelers for some Alenko stories.

"During his final inspection at basic by the Division Officer, one of his instructors found a locker out of sorts and decided to beat them in their dress blues. PT up and down the stairs; I'm sure you remember what it's like sprinting laps in your blues."

I did, I could feel the bile rising in my throat.

"Anyway, the DO rolls in for inspection, walks up to Alenko in formation, and he pukes."

I burst out laughing at the image of Kaidan vomiting on his DO.

"However," Anderson continued, "Alenko was a fucking genius, he puked down the T-Shirt in his dress blues, saving the DO from getting puked on and his platoon from getting beat even more."

The tears were from laughter now.

"The Division Officer was so impressed at Cadet Alenko's Military Bearing that he called the inspection right then and there. 5.0 Sailors all around."

I wiped the tears away while still laughing so much it was starting to hurt.

"Now Chase," He became more serious. "Chase was a Drill Instructor. Lots of great DI stories for her."

"What's the best one?" I almost begged him to continue.

"She caught someone sleeping on firewatch." He said soberly. "Picture Chase standing over a sleepy private, screaming "GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW PRIVATE, YOU TAKE A GODDAMN NAP THIS VERY SECOND YOU POOR TIRED SOUL"

More laughter, more tears. Going from crying to laughing that fast and hard happens maybe five times in your life and that extreme right turn is the reason why we are alive.

Anderson laughed with me and I was grateful for his companionship in that moment. When we had settled down, he slipped his hand into his pocket and handed me a metal pin in the shape of eagle wings. Combat jump wings.

"You'd mentioned in one of your reports that Alenko had earned them."

I rose from my seat and approached the empty coffin where Kaidan's medals and headdress rested and carefully place the pin to the velvet pillow.

"Thanks" I sighed, and took a deep breath as I steadied myself.

"C'mon," He motioned towards the theatre doors. "Let's go have a drink for them."

We found a quiet hole of a bar down in the wards in which to drown our sorrows, both yearning for solitude but he sensed I wasn't quite ready to be alone.

"Life is the tragedy,' Anderson said bitterly. "You know how they categorize Shakespeare's plays, right? If it ends with a wedding, it's a comedy. And if it ends with a funeral, it's a tragedy. So we're all living tragedies, because we all end the same way, and it isn't with a goddamn wedding."

I laughed politely and continued to drink for a while.

"We were all supposed to make it," I said softly. Maybe that was naive, the protest of a man who thought Spectre meant invincible.

After all our mad escapes and close calls, I'd started to believe the core of my crew was somehow charmed, that Wrex's guns, Liara's brains, Garrus' wit, Ashley's talent, Tali's ingenuity, and Kaidan's strength had made us somehow untouchable. We might suffer. We might take our knocks, but in the end we were all supposed to stay standing.

"Semper fi," I said, surprised by the ache of tears in my throat.

"Hua," Anderson replied softly.

We were silent for a long time.

"You know, going to these things always makes me think." He contemplated, slurring his words almost unnoticeably. "About the things left undone."

"Hmm" I agreed.

"I've been to too many over the years, but never seem to learn, y'know?" He motioned at the bartender for another round. I didn't have the energy to decline.

"Mmhm"

"I should really give her a call."

"You should."

"You should give yours a call too."

"You're drunk" I laughed, "I don't have anyone to call."

He grabbed my arm hard and squinted at me, puzzling out an answer he seemed to think resided behind my eyes.

"Yeah, maybe you're right." He finally said after a while. "You're far too high maintenance for a girl friend."

As we carried on drinking and laughing I had hardly noticed some of the Normandy crew filling the bar. It was only when Garrus sat too close for comfort, intending to draw my attention to him that I noticed.

"We waited by the ship to see if you'd come back." He said casually, "but we got bored and decided to look for you instead. And here you are, getting drunk without your best pal, Garrus."

I smiled through red eyes and ordered a round for my friend.

"One for me as well." Wrex barked. "Actually, better make it twelve."

Military funerals and memorials tend to devolve in this manner when time permits. While normally a safe space in a military mess or club is set aside, the diversity of my crew fit almost perfectly in the barely large enough bar Anderson and I had serendipitously found. As the Normandy crew crammed itself into the bar, the drinks flowed with no restrictions. Charles had called it an Irish Funeral and it turned out to be just the thing we all needed.

Flashes of memory followed.

Wrex slapping me so hard on the back it caused me to spit out my drink.

Tali dragging most of the crew out onto an improvised dance floor and forcing them to move with her. I wouldn't exactly call it dancing, but I'm not an expert on the subject either.

Ash challenging me to a drinking contest.

I'm apologizing for bumping into someone in the restroom, then realizing I bumped into my own reflection in a tall mirror…after losing in a drinking contest.

Liara laughing at something Charles said. I love hearing her laugh. She catches me looking her way and I snap my head in another direction.

As the crew carried on, I began to realize I had reached my threshold.

Anderson had said his goodbyes earlier in the day and figured I would take my opportunity to sneak away to my room within the Alliance embassies. I was feeling better, a little less sad, a little more grateful for the time I had with my fallen crew. I missed them. But as I left the bar that night I said a silent 'thank you' to them for their sacrifice; and for bringing our crew together in such a meaningful way.

Stumbling my way back, Anderson's suggestion about unfinished business struck me.

I had almost died on Virmire, I might not have survived the multiple surgeries and trauma. I could very well die before reaching Saren or in my quest to kill him.

Why was I denying myself a chance at happiness? Whatever I felt for Liara might not have been love, but it might have been! I didn't know for sure. I'd never been in love. Didn't I owe it to myself to find out?

By the time I had convinced myself to 'go for it', I'd reached my room, mindlessly opened the door and flopped face down on the bed.

By the time I woke up, hungover and regretful, my courage had left me and had been replaced by anxiety. Today was the day we would unlock the beacon.

We decided to meet at the embassies. Anderson had provided us with an office; I felt that locking myself in a hotel or barrack room with Liara would raise too many questions among the crew, or add more fuel to the rumours we were carrying on some heated romance.

The 'session' would be monitored via video and audio recordings and Dr. Chakwas was on standby in case of any medical emergencies. We had the full day to parse through my subconscious and find the location of the conduit.

Liara arrived first and was waiting for me as I walked through the door. The small office was suitable for the two of us and had been clearly designated for a junior officer who had little need for visitors. Liara had left the slightly more comfortable desk chair vacant for me, taking the guest chair for herself. She positioned the chairs to face one another, close enough our knees nearly met when we sat down.

I was suddenly very nervous.

Sensing my anxiety, she smiled and tried to make small talk.

How are you? I'm fine, how are you? I'm fine, thank you. Awkward silence.

"Actually, I'm a little hungover." I said, hoping to break the ice.

She furrowed her brow, "What is 'hungover?'"

"The unpleasant after effects of drinking too much alcohol." I explained while pressing my fingers to my temple. I wondered if she would mind if I turned down the office lights.

"Ha!" he burst out, unexpectedly, "I did not realize you were intoxicated. We Asari can get inebriated but we metabolize so quickly it rarely results in negative side effects. How terrible for you!" she laughed again at my expense.

"Well here's hoping it doesn't negatively affect…today."

"It should not," She said quickly, "You will just have to concentrate. We can take as many breaks as you require. I will also need a break from time to time." She paused. "Do you understand exactly what we are about to do?"

I did, but I also didn't. She read my face and continued.

"Asari melding must involve a willing partner." She emphasized, "the melding process when used to probe memories is extremely tiring for us even when the other partner is completely passive. From my research, humans are particularly resistive to the meld. I will be asking you to recall images that have been causing you anxiety, stress, and fear. You will instinctually resist."

"I'm willing," I said seriously, "I can do this."

She held out her hands and I placed mine in hers, forcing us to get just a little closer. My heart started racing. She smiled almost imperceptibly at the contact.

"We're going to take it slow." She said softly, "Imagine your mind a pool of freezing water. If we jump inside too quick, the shock will cause us to withdraw. We have to wade into the pool one toe at a time."

I took a deep breath and she squeezed my hands in encouragement.

"I'm nervous too," she reassured. "We are going to learn a few things about one another. You will see some of my memories; ones that I want you to see, and perhaps some I do not want you to see."

"How is that possible?"

"Remember, I am not nearly as experienced in this regard. Especially with someone outside of my σόι – my family." She said, before I had a chance to ask for the word's meaning. "We are going to take it slow, we are going to do this – together."

She smiled and squeezed my hands again. This time I squeezed back.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

She directed me to begin breathing slowly, concentrating on my diaphragm and the slow rise and fall of my chest. Hold in for five seconds, breathe out for five seconds. After a few minutes, she told me to close my eyes.

Then it really felt like I was in a pool, weightless and voiceless, surrounded by nothing.

When I opened my eyes Liara was there.

This isn't so bad. I said.

We haven't started yet. She said, smiling. I want you to think very hard about a good memory. It can be anything, anything at all, so long as it is something...

Before she could finish her instructions, I was laying in the grass staring up at the cloudy sky. When it started to rain, I started to laugh.

Where are we? She asked, and I looked to my side to see Liara next to me.

A memory of lying in the grass with a close friend, her telling me about her plans to go to art school, us griping about our parents but at the same time lamenting having to leave our sleepy little colony in the middle of nowhere. An indescribable sense of calm. I'll never forget that moment.

We're back in the office and Liara is nodding her head in the affirmative. "Perfect" she confirmed. "That's exactly where we needed to start."

"I forgot I had that." I said, my voice giving way to a bit of emotion.

"It was beautiful, Shepard." She adjusted her posture and reassumed the pleasant holding of my hands. "Are you ready to continue?"

More breathing and we were back in the 'void' as I started to call it.

We worked through a few more pleasant memories. A birthday party for my brother, playing with a litter of puppies in a neighbour's barn. Wearing my uniform for the first time.

Liara felt in the interest of fairness that she should share a few of her own memories. Her receiving her degree from the University of Serrice. Her first archeological find: a shard of metal, Prothean in origin, likely used as a decoration or ornament.

Then, a flash of us in the medical cargo bay.

As we both remembered the moment from the other's perspective there was panic and withdrawal.

We each quickly snapped our hands back and looked away, both very aware of the embarrassment we were feeling.

"I think we should take a break." She said hurriedly.

"Agreed."

A drink of water, a five minute walk around the building, and we were back to being seated uncomfortably close to each other after remembering our first kiss. And now we both knew the other had enjoyed it, and wanted more of it.

"We should really talk about that kiss." I insisted.

"We should," she granted, "but in the interest of saving the galaxy, I recommend we move past this for now and focus on the beacon."

"I'm ready." I assured.

Fire. Forest on fire. Great machines descending from the sky. I know they're going to kill us all, I know there's nothing I can do about it. I abandon my post and start running for home. I have to save my children. I get home and everything is wrong. My father is in the foyer, he's killed three batarians. My mother is dying in my arms. My sister's skin is peeling off in my hands.

NO! STOP!

I am on the floor in the office and Liara is in a daze. I feel the bile in my throat, my mouth is watering as if I'm about to vomit. I could still smell death, that smell of old meat that's been left out of the cooler.

"Goddess," she breathed. "Was that…"

"Mindoir." I finished. "I couldn't separate it in time."

Another break, and now Liara was looking at me like I'm a sick family dog. Like she pitied me.

"Are you alright?" She asked sincerely.

"I'm fine." I snapped. "It's fine. Let's just try it again. I can hold it back."

I had held it back for 16 years, why should today be any different.

Back to the void.

Fire. Forest on fire. Great machines descending from the sky. I know they're going to kill us all, I know there's nothing I can do about it.

There is something we can do about it. The project!

What project?

Vendetta. Vigil. Find them and defeat the Reapers.

Where do I find them?

Batarian blood is seeping down my arm. It's warm and thick.

Shepard, focus!

Inusannon. The city of the Inusannon.

Lush, green, full of life. Before the Reapers. Full of life after the Reapers.

ILOS!

"It's Ilos!" She shouted. "There is only one world in the Pangea system that ever references that word 'Inusannon'." She was laughing and simultaneously holding back tears.

I was on my hands and knees on the floor, the smell of death still in the air. My stomach churned, and I had an enormous headache.

Liara's condition quickly mirrored mine. So we sat in silence while we absorbed what we both just learned.

"Are you alright?" She asked again.

"No" I answered honestly. "I don't want to do that again."

She joined me on the floor and took my head in her hands. She smiled weakly and pulled me into an embrace. If anyone walked into the office at that point I'm not sure what he or she would have thought.

"We did it," She whispered. "You did it. That was not an easy thing to do. You're incredibly strong willed. You're incredibly resilient. You're incredible."

I let out an incredulous laugh that shook apart our embrace.

"I'm not so sure, but thanks."

She grabbed my hands intensely.

"I've seen it, Shepard. And if anything, not at least you will not have to share this burden on your own."

I thought about it as the fatigue finally washed over me, and I lay down on the comfortingly cold metal floor. She was right, I thought as I stared up at the ceiling, willing for the rain to fall. My slate wasn't so clean anymore.

I had someone I could call.