My dear little broccolis 💚💚💚

💚 So remember that this pic is RATED M, and it is not only for the sexy times. Some dark moments will be approached in this story, and they can trigger some people. This is a fair warning to remind you that this story sets place in a dark world, which means it is bound to mountains dark themes.

Love, Mina 💚💚💚

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Chapter 35: Love Is A Feeling (4,0K)

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💚 So, just so you know, my reactions in the author notes never reflect about the story as a whole, but more about people's reactions at the end of each chapter. I mean, there is no point in me reacting when I already know where the story is headed. I don't want to spoil the outcome for you, guys. The story is more than finished in my mind, it has been finished and published for another fandom. Me posting it this way is just a favour I am doing because someone asked me too.

💚 And though I understand some people being upset and quitting the story, I just have two things to say. First of all, you clearly didn't pay attention to the story and to the way it was laid out from the start. Second, PERSONALLY, it would never come to my mind to stop a story because a character doesn't have the fate I want. I mean, if I had done so, I would have missed on the amazing thing that is the Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter, or Game of Thrones. Just saying. Sorry, I had to, and because people complaining are guests, this is the only way I can.

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Ethan's PoV

Ethan finished his beer and got up, not eager to spend the night with Kate and Elliott. It wasn't that he didn't like Elliott, on the contrary, he genuinely liked the guy and was happy for his sister to have found someone who could make her happy in the way only Elliott did. But he didn't like staying around them when they were so lovey-dovey. And ever since their wedding a few days earlier, Kate was over the moon with joy and love.

They didn't have their honeymoon yet, because Elliott didn't want to miss school, and Kate wanted to tan during her honeymoon; but the couple was definitely in its honeymoon-phase.

Elliott rose an eyebrow at Ethan, surprised to see him already leaving when he had only been home for thirty minutes, and he assured him with a smile, "Don't worry, I'm the one cooking tonight. You can stay without risking calling 911."

Both men laughed, earning a powerful glare from Kate who crossed her arms over her chest and said through her greeted teeth, "For your information, I have gotten a lot better! Roberto says that I am top of my class."

"Maybe. But I will never forget that 'puttanesca' you tried to kill me with," Ethan retorted, using his fingers as quotation marks when talking about Kate's first attempt at a meal. Elliott snickered behind his hand, but quickly stop before Kate could try to blame it on him.

She childishly mimicked her brother, who did not find anything more mature to do than to stick his tongue to her. Kate turned on her heels, flipping her hair while keeping her head high, and she went to the kitchen, while Ethan shouted at her,

"You should ask Jake over. I'm sure he'll be glad to spend some time with you." He knew that if Kate has proposed him to stay for dinner, it was only because she was one of those people who disliked imbalance. She liked things to go by the pair, and if Ana was spending the night with the young couple, her dinner table would not be properly balanced.

Kate came back from the kitchen with another beer in her hand that she gave to her brother, and she let him know, "Jake is out celebrating his victory. He is going to Switzerland next year."

"What?" He cried out, sitting back in his armchair. "Dad gave in?" Kate nodded, her face showing that she was thinking the same thing as Ethan. "Spoilt last kids. Really, they have everything."

Kate eagerly nodded, because this was a conversation they often had as a family. Of course, neither their parents or Jake agreed with them, but Jake had this tendency to always get what he wanted. None of his siblings held it against him, it simply became a running joke among them, that, despite their privileges in life, Ethan and Kate had to fight for things that were given to Jake. And this was the latest example. Both Ethan and Kate had also pitched the idea of a year abroad, but Eamon had been deadly serious about stopping those plans on becoming reality. Jake only had to bat his eyes a little, and he had his year in Switzerland.

"Only kids are also getting spoiled. Look at Ana," Elliott defended, probably not wanting to hear about how last kids were golden children when he himself was the last kid of his family.

"Ana isn't an only child, she is the last child, no matter how much Uncle Ray tries to pretend otherwise," Ethan retorted vehemently.

He had always been bothered by Mike's disappearance. Mike and he grew up together, and up until the moment Mike ran away, they had been best friends. He probably knew more about Raymond than Kate and Jake thanks to Mike, and he couldn't get over the fact that his Godfather simply pretended like his son never existed after Mike disappeared. Even his parents played in this charade, upsetting Ethan even more as the mere mention of Raymond's first son became a taboo topic in his own family.

Still, he felt that he threw an awkwardness amongst them, and so he tried to lighten the mood, not wanting to leave a cold. "I can't believe that Dad got soft like that, though. Switzerland is a long way from home."

"What I can't believe is, it's Dad who's so obtuse about keeping us close, while Mom is always trying to push us out of the nest. She proposed to Elliott and I go to California!" Kate seemed outraged by her mother's proposition, but in all objectivity, Ethan could see why Elena would have suggested the move.

Though Elliott only had one more year as a vet student, and he could do that year in New York, everyone in their family knew that he would have wanted to go to LA to finish college. But apparently, he renounced on this dream of his for Kate, if the bare mention of going away was making her react like that.

So he bounced on another topic, "Mom knows that Uncle Ray will have someone lurking in the corner, no matter where we are in the world. You could try to move into the Amazonian forest, that Uncle Ray would still know about your even move. And Mom knows it."

"You say that like it's a bad thing. But I think that Raymond only has your best interest in mind," Elliott said, making both Kavanagh grimaced. Though Elliott almost grew up with them, he didn't have to endure having someone like Raymond in his family. Elena had known about Ethan's first boyfriend before he even got a chance to tell her about it, and many other examples of the sorts could be given.

With a little sigh, Ethan finished his third beer of the evening and got up, determined to leave before Ana got in. He knew that she would never let him leave if he tried to. And Ana had this ability to make people bend her way, without them realising it. How many times did he end up in one of the girls playdates, along with Mike, because Ana had managed to make them change their minds?

He checked Elliott, before heading out, followed by his little sister who stopped him by the door. "Ethan? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

She looked deep into his eyes, a sad smile on her face, before she told him, "You seem … off lately. Did you break up with your boyfriend or something?"

"Or something," Ethan muttered, not really eager to talk about his complicated life. He had told Kate that he had been seeing someone for a while, but he never told her who it was. And now, it seemed like he had been inspired to do so. He doubted that Kate would find the right words to comfort him, given the fact that she only had one relationship in her whole life, and that relationship ended with a beautiful wedding.

"You want to talk about it?"

"It's nothing, Kate. Don't worry about it," He assured her, not sure what there was to talk about anyway. Jose and he had an argument during which he said words of anger, and Jose never tried to contact him ever since. Did that mean that they were over, or that Jose was waiting for him to be the bigger man and to apologise first?

"Ethan …"Kate started, rating a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You know I got your—"

"You got my back. I know," He cut her with a genuine smile. "And I got yours, no matter what. And I think it's good that Elliott knows that."

They both shared a small laugh, Kate rolling her eyes at his joke. Ethan never had the opportunity to give the overprotective big brother speech to Elliott, because his relationship with Kate came so naturally in their family that no one questioned it. It was as if it was meant to be. And it wasn't such a loss since he got to do it for Ana's first boyfriend as well as for Jake's first girlfriend.

"I better have your back, anyway. Because Jake isn't going to be much help from his Swiss Alps."

Kate chuckled, though the two of them secretly knew that they were going to miss their baby brother during his year abroad. Ethan crossed the threshold and kissed his sister's forehead before going back to his own apartment. Once there, he sat on his couch and flipped through the channel, doing his best to not think of Jose and of their failing relationship.

He knew that he was no white sheep in what happened to them. He did most of the talking and ended up being the one to tell Jose to leave. He went as far as to accuse him of being with a girl who seemed anything but interested in Jose. But there was still this thing that upset Ethan. Jose refused to talk to him. He didn't even try to hide behind eluding, he always straight up refused to talk about himself, about his feelings, about his life. And Ethan was fed up with it. He felt like Jose did not trust him, and he couldn't keep hoping to build a life with someone who obviously did not trust him.

As he kept on going from boring channel to boring channel, Ethan longly exhaled, throwing his head back, and decided to get his night productive. He grabbed his keys and headed to the door, set on going to his restaurant to see how things were going when someone knocked at the door.

His first instincts were not to answer, afraid that it would be Ana who would bat her eyes at him and would ultimately bring him back to Kate's place, forcing him to witness happiness first hand, when he wasn't in the mood for it. But then, he reasoned himself, perfectly aware that a closed door would not stop the brunette.

So he opened the door and was surprised to see Jose on the other side. He immediately froze, not prepared for a conversation. And he was even less prepared for what happened after. Without hesitation, Jose closed the distance between them, and hugged him, hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

For a moment, Ethan was unsure of what he should do or say, but he still said with a wary tone, "Jose…"

A small silence followed that simple word, Ethan trying to find the right terms that would explain his feelings. And suddenly, with a small voice full of pain and sorrow, Jose told him,

"My best friend was killed because of me."

The whisper was so low, that Ethan wasn't sure if he heard it right. He was about to ask Jose to repeat, when the man broke down in tears, frightening Ethan more than anything. Though Jose was rather quiet and distant from his feelings, Ethan never thought there would be a day when he would witness the man he loved cry like that.

With all the compassion and sympathy he could muster, Ethan comforted his lover, not saying a word, but giving him back his embrace. For the longest time, they stayed like that, Jose crying in his arms. It was only when Jose calmed down that Ethan made him step into his living-room, and proposed to him, "I'll make you some hot cocoa, oaky?"

In a heavy silence, Ethan prepared the beverage with some instantaneous powder, and once he gave the mug to the defeated man, he asked, "What happened?"

He saw Jose avert his eyes and hesitate on telling him what he had on his mind, and he repressed himself for bitching about it. After all, this was the main reason why they fell apart. But surprisingly, Jose didn't keep his problems and worries to himself this time, and said,

"I asked Christian for a favour. It was abroad, and he went without a question. Next thing I know, Raymond is showing me footage of Christian being shot in Macau."

"Wasn't Christian supposed to go to Macau anyway?" Ethan had overheard Raymond and Christian talking about some troubles in his investment there. And he knew that one of them was bound to go there eventually.

"He would never have gone there alone if I hadn't asked for that stupid favour," Jose snapped, clenching his teeth with anger. Ethan rested a comforting hand on his knee, and asked,

"What was the favour?"

Jose darkly chuckled, glancing at his mug, before he asked himself, "Don't you have anything stronger?"

Ethan hesitated for a moment, wondering if Jose really wanted a drink, or if he was simply trying to elude once again a direct question. still, he got up and fetched a bottle of scotch with two glasses. He poured one for each of them, and Jose took his, sipping on the amber liquid as he closed his eyes and leaned back.

"I asked him to kill someone for me."

All Ethan could do was stare at Jose, not sure of how he was supposed to react to that piece of news. This was something huge because, beyond their relationship, Jose was dangerously closing on that invisible barrier Ethan had in his mind. During his youth, he had always seen Raymond has a friendly uncle who would pass him and his siblings whatever whims came to their minds.

But as he started working (both at the restaurant and at Robinson Inc'), Ethan heard rumours about Raymond that would give nightmare to his siblings. Of course, with time, he had come to think that it was simply a question of logic and that he shouldn't have waited to be part of the active life to realise who his uncle was, but in all honesty, he did not care. He knew how people perceived the powerful man, but to him, he would always be Uncle Ray.

And now, Jose was springing this on him without warning, confirming to Ethan what he had been suspecting for years now. Jose must have felt his discomfort because he said,

"It's … complicated. I don't even know where to start …"

Ethan did not peep a word, his heart hammering with hope at the possibility that Jose was finally going to open up to him. The Hispanic man served himself another drink before downing it as if nothing, and he took out of his vest pocket a CD that he gave to Ethan.

"I guess I better show you."

He took it, going to his bedroom to bring his laptop, curiosity eating him out. He had no idea what this CD could contain, but he was hoping that all his relationships issues would be over when morning would come. If Jose were in his arms when that would come, it would be even better.

Once back in his living room, Ethan played the CD, all feeling of wellbeing leaving him as he watched more and more of the video. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed that Jose didn't open his eyes, his hand tightly clutched on his drink.

He wasn't sure what horrified him most.

On one hand, he was seeing a side of Christian that he would never have suspected. He knew he didn't know Christian well, but he always thought that he was someone rational and quiet. Which looked nothing like the man who was taking a vicious pleasure in torturing another man. And Ethan couldn't believe that the man who gave his sister her favourite wedding gift could abuse another human being so casually.

But that was also the other horrifying part. From what he understood out of the video, Christian had a very valid reason to torture the man strapped in the chair. And no matter how difficult it was to watch, Ethan forced himself to watch it until the end, his bile catching in his throat when at the end, his doubts were confirmed.

When the video finally stopped, he swallowed with all the difficulties in the world, looking at Jose who still had his eyes closed. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

A rictus ghosted on Jose's lips as he said, "This isn't something I like to think or talk about. And as far as I know, it isn't a great conversation opener."

He poured himself yet another glass of scotch, still avoiding to look at Ethan who felt nothing but embarrassment at that moment. He had pushed Jose, again and again, to talk about his past, when all Jose wanted was to forget about it.

"I wouldn't have pushed like I did if I had known. I would have understood. I am not an asshole, Jose. It's not because I can't relate that I can't be here for you."

Jose muttered something under his breath, but all Ethan could make out of the mumble was his mother's name. Which suddenly filled him with dread. But before he could ask anything about it, Jose cleared his throat and put down his empty glass with determination.

"Anyway … now you know," He said, getting up to Ethan's dismay. He watched the man he loved start to walk away, and he grabbed his hand, stopping him and forcing him to spin to face him, even though Jose still avoided eye contact.

"And what? You think this changes the way I feel about you?"

"Doesn't it?"

"No! I love you! I don't get to chose and pick what your life should be. I love you with your past, with your flaws and your qualities. I love you, and I want to have with you the same thing my little sister has with Elliott."

Ethan watched Jose look down on his feet, hoping that they could put their fight behind them. But it seemed that Jose had yet another part of him to talk about. He darkly chuckled and said,

"But that's the thing. You want a future with me, but I don't even know if I am gay. How do you know that us being together isn't just a consequence of what happened in my youth? How do you know that this isn't just my body responding to something it knows?"

Ethan's heart crumbled into a million pieces. Not so much because his feelings had changed, but because he knew that Jose's answer to what he would say would definitely change their relationship. He hoped it would be for the better, but he couldn't be sure.

"The question isn't much whether you're gay or not. Everyone in their life has a moment where they question their sexuality when they should focus on something else entirely. Do you love me?"

And finally, finally, for the first time since he stepped in that apartment, Jose looked up into Ethan's eyes. He could see how devastated Jose felt at the moment, how conflicted, and so he preached his case,

"Do you feel good with me? Do you feel the same peace I feel with you and only you? Do you see a future with me?"

The few seconds that passed before the answer felt like hours. "I do."

Ethan had a brief sigh of relief before closing the distance between the two of them and cupping his lover's face, "Then I don't care about whatever label you want to put on yourself. gay, bi, demisexual. I only care that you love me, and I love you."

He leaned his forehead against Jose's but hesitating on kissing him. After all, he just relieved his childhood trauma, and maybe he wasn't ready to be physical, even if it was just for a kiss. But Jose closed the distance and kissed him. Their kiss was tender, with so many emotions in it. There was the reconciliation, the comfort, and most importantly, the love.

When they broke their embrace, Ethan walked them back to his couch and caught a glimpse of the paused video before closing the laptop. He glanced at his boyfriend, remembering what made Jose come to see him in the first place. And so, he removed the scotch from the coffee table and gently squeezed Jose's knee as he told him,

"Christian would have gone after him, whether you would have asked him or not. Christian doesn't seem to be someone who can let someone who hurt the ones he cares about, live."

Ethan didn't know much about Christian, but he knew that Ethan often talked about his best friend. And from what Ethan could gather, it seemed that Christian cared a lot about Jose. He was actually proven of that when Christian went out of his way to let Ethan believe he and Mia were in a relationship, a few days after Ethan accused Jose of seeing her. Deep down, Ethan had always known it wasn't true, but there was still this dread coming, and though he never told Jose, he still noticed how Christian got Jose's back the same way Ethan would have done it for Ana. Something subtle, and yet clear enough … if Mia hadn't blown his plans by revealing she wasn't even looking for love at the moment.

Jose seemed relieved to hear those words, and Ethan took him in his arms, as he tried to lighten the mood, "I feel for the guy who would have gone after his girl, or after his kids."

"He would have killed anyone hurting his girl, for sure. He was head over the heels for her," Jose admitted with a small voice.

For a moment, neither of them spoke, each lost in their own world. Ethan was trying to figure out how he was feeling about what Jose told him about his past. and the more he thought about it, the more rage was filling his veins. In a way, he was happy Christian did this one thing for Jose. In another, he wished he had been the one to do it. He couldn't understand how someone could be so twisted as to force themselves on another person. Even less when that person was a child.

And suddenly, he found himself thinking about his Mom, not liking how his brain was working at the moment, not liking the resemblances he could see between Jose and his Mom. contrarily to Raymond, or even Eric when he was alive, Elena never talked about her past. It seemed that she started living at twenty, and Eamon always managed to make the conversation drift to him when their parents' childhood was involved. And now, the dots were connecting in Ethan's brain, forming a picture that he wished he never had to see.

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💚Your thoughts and opinions are always welcomed💚

💚So … we got the words we wanted … not from the characters you wanted, but still, we have those sweet little words.

~ Anyway, question time:

💚What did you think of Ethan and Jose?

💚What did you think of the small glimpse we had of Kate & Elliott and how Elliott fits into the Kavanagh family?

💚 What do you think of Ethan's trail of thoughts toward Elena?

💚What did you think of this chapter overall? And what do you think will happen next?

💚What was your favourite part?

💚Anyway, E L James owns the names of the characters from the Fifty Shades franchise, everything else is mine.

‼️FOR REVIEWERS‼️

I am so sorry, but because I hurried to get this chapter out, and it is already past midnight, I am just too dead to respond. I will update again tomorrow, and the day after, but after that, I will go back to answering people

Love, Mina💚💚💚