A/N - It's been a month! I'm so sorry that I kept you waiting this long but another life changing event occurred. Just when I thought I had found the 'Cas' to my 'Dean', it appears that she never really wanted me in her future in the first place. So I died inside. However, I'm finally healing and the best part is, I know that Cas always recognized that his future encompassed everything about Dean. So what happened to me was just a tragedy.

xxx

Three weeks after

"I mean, come on," Sam was beaming at the twisted pinata shaped like a colorful unicorn that Alex was stringing up on the ceiling in the bunker. "You've got to tell me what's inside. It's only fair!'

Alex sighed, then she grinned. "Not telling." Making a show of pouting deliberately, just to tease Sam who had become like a big brother to her, she further stuck out her tongue.

"For fuck's sake, it's beef jerky, Skittles, gummy bears and M&Ms," Claire said, rolling her eyes from the couch.

"Language!" Jody scolded from the table, helping Donna to fix every single plate of food in a precise manner. There was a spread of beef in gravy, steak, BBQ chicken, sausages and rice, ravioli and cheese and beer, lots of beer.

"Where the heck is the birthday boy, anyway?" Donna peered around, a wicked grin on her face. "Seems like he's hiding from his own party."

"Dean!" Sam bellowed as loud as he could, immediately forcing Claire to scowl deeper as she clamped her palms onto her ears. "Get your old self out here!"

"He's like what? Fifty now?" Alex joked, jumping down from the arm of the sofa and standing back to admire her work on positioning the pinata perfectly in midair.

"Forty-one," Sam corrected with a smile. "Seems like just the other day I was teasing him about turning twenty. Then thirty. Forty we missed because we were pretty much swamped in our own kind of hell. But this year, I had to plan something."

"I don't think Dean has ever had a decent birthday party, has he?" Donna frowned from by the table. She neatly stacked cutlery onto a porcelain plate.

Sam shook his head. "Nah, I mean, the last time I could remember him actually having something as close to a party was when we were kids. Dad used to wake him up with a cake and a candle on top, then we would cut it, stuff our faces and take the day off from hunting. Wasn't much to go by."

Claire suddenly giggled from her relaxed attitude on the sofa. Tongue tucked sideways, she tapped away on her mobile and Donna rolled her eyes.

"Me oh my, some girl has gotten our baby smitten again."

"Hope it isn't that rebel down the street from us who has a thousand piercings and tattoos to match every rock band there is," Donna lamented. "Here," she handed Donna a bowl of chips, "start chewing."

"Babe, I'm watching my gut," the other woman protested but delicately. "Can't pack on pounds that I can't shrug off like a coat, can I? Where's the birthday boy? I'm not going to ask again. I'll go barging in his room!"

"I'm here! Dammit," Dean hopped out from the doorway leading into the depths of the bunker. Decked out in a crisp green short sleeved shirt, the exact color of his eyes, he had also tugged on a pair of jet-black jeans.

Everyone stared at his remarkable complexion and lifted spirits. Alex commented on the fact that he was cleanly shaved and looked delicious even though he was an old man at forty-one. Claire on the other hand, seemed absolutely warmed by his appearance and after springing up from the chair, she rushed over, wrapped her arms around him and engulfed Dean in a tight hug.

"Man, you're going to make my heart melt, kid," he said, turning mellow.

"You look great, dad."

That was all it took to bring tears to Dean's eyes and after desperately trying to compose himself as everyone gazed lovingly at the pair, he shied away and suddenly found the pinata interesting enough as a distraction. Dean purposely reached up high, captured the unicorn's crepe paper body between his fingers and he lightly gave it a shake. It was heavy. And his eyes lit up just imagining like a child what was contained inside the belly of the most majestic animal he had every believed in.

"You're so gay," Claire commented as she tumbled onto the couch again and pulled out her mobile. Smirking, she winked at him as if passing across a secretive message. "Always knew it."

"Knew what?" Alex piped in, coming to perch on the arm of the couch.

"That Dean was always gay," Claire rolled her eyes. "Don't you have something better to do than glue yourself to my side? Go bond with Sam. Besides, you wouldn't understand. You're straight as an arrow."

"I…know…things," Alex inclined her head and smiled at the older Winchester and then her sister stretched out like a cat. "Like for instance, I know how the sex works. And it's not too hard to figure out where goes where –"

"Oh…my…god," Claire stared in disbelief. She turned up her nose and shooed Alex away as Dean chuckled, arms folded. "Straight people are so lame. Aren't they, Dean? They don't have glitter in their blood like we do."

"January 24th was the day I first went out with a guy in high school," Jody suddenly said proudly as she threw herself onto the couch next to where Claire sat. "I remember it so clearly because he made me pay for every damn thing, even what he ordered. And he ordered plenty. That bastard."

"Hell, he must have been one firm believer in women being the most powerful species." Donna plucked another chip from the bowl and glanced around. "Hey, where's the music? We need music!"

"Got you covered," Sam quickly dusted his hands off on the front of his pants and jogged over to a nice little set up with two slim black speakers and a phone dock. "Since it's the rock head's birthday, I'll play anything but rock music tonight."

"Give us some nice oldies!" Jody suggested, chewing on a sausage. "Throw it back to the seventies."

"That's more like it!" Sam scrolled through his playlist and after a few seconds, the soft tunes of Paul Anka drifted from the speakers.

Dean, on the other hand, was in such a relaxed mood, he simply bypassed the genre of music and settled down next to Alex by the Map Table. She was now occupied in trying to complete a 1000 pieces puzzle of the Eiffel Tower that Sam had been working on for a week. And he hadn't even gone halfway by then.

"I mean, he looks good," Jody was whispering to Donna as they two of them shared snacks from a distance. "Last time I saw him about three weeks ago during a hunt, he was pale and skinny. Barely any meat on those bones."

"Heartbreak can really damage ya," Donna shook her head, feet curled under her butt.

"He loved Cas so much," Jody sighed. "I still think he does and the worst part of it is that every single time anyone mentions Cas' name, he turns the taps on. I think it's selfish though, that he just picked up and left, you know? Not a phone call. Nothing."

"I don't think it's selfish," Donna frowned and the two of them connected their eyes. "I think Cas had his reasons why he left. He was obviously hurt. Bet your fanny that Cas cried a river and an ocean too. I just hope that wherever he is, he's safe."

"Makes you wonder if he's gone up back to Heaven permanently or he's wandering around somewhere," Jody frowned, studying Dean hovering over Alex, laughing as he tried to fix a piece of the puzzle. "I just don't get it. How could two people who love each other so damn much, drift apart in a matter of weeks? I'm telling you, this is what happens when you don't talk to each other in a relationship."

"Well we learned the hard way, didn't we?" Donna nudged the other woman's shoulder playfully. "Took more than a year for you to get the frog out of your throat. And still it took a while for us to open up to each other. Being in a relationship isn't easy. Heck, love isn't easy when it's with the right person."

"It never is and the most hurtful part is, everyone except Dean and Cas knew that they were in love with each other. Then when they did realize it, they couldn't accept it. Well Dean couldn't. Cas would give up his life for that one." Jody's loving eyes rested on the man she considered as her son.

"Where's the beer?" Claire suddenly asked.

"You sit your damn self down before I tan your hide," Donna scolded immediately. "It's too early. We haven't even cut the cake as yet."

Within half an hour though, Sam suddenly came through the doorway balancing a cake in the shape of a guitar as he sang 'Happy Birthday'.

When the others chimed in, Dean's face was probably the best definition of being loved and happy. Then when his brother rested the cake on the Map Table and everyone gathered around, there were tears in his eyes. And as much as he tried to hold them back, just seeing the people he considered as his family around him, the hunter couldn't believe how lucky he was.

Claire was the one who initiated the cutting of the cake. She took up a knife and fork and each of them took their turn in taking photos with Dean sharing triangular pieces of the chocolate cake with everyone. Photographs couldn't capture the true feelings behind his eyes though. Dean, deep down inside was aching for something so much more and yet, he had everything he possibly could around him. He had his brother and the people he loved and still, like the puzzle on the table, pieces of his life were still missing.

All his life, he had been craving something close to resembling a family. Of having the people around him that mattered. The people who were most important. But never in as long as he had been alive did he ever believe that whilst being surrounded by these special people, a chunk of his heart was missing. It was there had been an explosion deep within his chest and all the butterflies had died. All the softness had turned into prickly fingers poking and rubbing his heart raw. The blood rushing through his veins felt like mud sliding through a drain. And although he could barely keep his head above water, Dean wanted something that had fled from him like a thief in the night.

"I have to make a toast," Donna cleared her throat and smiled around as Claire filled the glasses with champagne. "Honestly, Dean, you are a gift. You are rare. You are so tough on the outside and a mush on the inside…" everyone chuckled, including Claire. "We are so glad to have you in our lives. You have no idea how special you are. Here's to many more birthdays to come where you are happy and healthy and I wish that you get your heart's desire…" she paused, holding his gaze. "Happy birthday!"

Everyone cheered. Sam patted his brother on the back after delivering a heartwarming speech as well. Claire had a go at a few words, fumbling at first and then ending off by burying her face into Dean's chest. Alex and Donna praised how awesome he was with a heart as big as the ocean. And then just as they had all settled down and were happily chewing on cake, the sound of the door leading into the bunker opened and clanged shut.

At first, the laughter died down. The whispering stopped. Six pairs of eyes lifted towards the staircase, possibly fearing an intruder and then expecting maybe another friend to show up.

Claire gasped when she first realized who it was.

It was Cas.

For the first time in a long time though, the kind of silence that rested in the bunker was an awkward one filled with so much discomfort. Then perhaps in Sam's mind, he was terribly relieved. Sharing his sentiments was Jody, followed by Donna seconds after because when they considered the angel's demeanor, how soft around the edges he was, and his face offering nothing but complete nervousness, they were certain of one thing.

Cas had come home.

But Dean…he almost dropped the plate that contained a half-eaten slice of cake. There was a speck of white icing at the corner of his parted lips. And he couldn't breathe. He really couldn't even stop himself from losing all control. From staring and then dying inside. From feeling like he was melting and then having his vision swim from surprise. Shock. Fear.

Cas came down the steps slowly, taking tentative steps and his eyes were only locked on Dean's emerald ones. Only Dean. Eyes that were shiny from tears. Both pairs refusing to divert to anything else, to consider anyone else in the room. And in that moment, if Cas could sum up what he was feeling in one word, he would have labelled it as TERROR.

Terror of not knowing what the outcome would be. Of not knowing what would be said or what the hell he was doing. Why had he come back after all this time? Why had he selfishly decided to stay away although being assured weeks ago that Dean still had a mountain of feelings for him? And now, decked out in a black long sleeved shirt, with black tailored pants and lacking his trench coat, he looked so damn handsome to everyone in the room, even Sam was stunned.

Slowly he approached the one man who had proved to him that love could be all kinds of things. Could be painful, create doubts, make him drown in paranoia. Could destroy him into a coma-like state. Could squeeze a river of tears from his eyes. Could snatch his breath away and force him to choke on sobs. Could cause him to melt, to feel things physically and mentally. To ache deep down inside his soul to touch, to feel, to taste. Because when he touched, and felt and tasted Dean, he felt alive. He felt as if he was an addict, and without his beautiful poison standing in front of him, nothing could function inside of him.

"Happy birthday, Dean," Cas said in a voice so gravelly and broken, he tried to blink the tears away.

They were four feet apart.

Dean was so certain of that, as he was constantly certain of how long it had been since they last cast their eyes on each other. And god how it hurt.

It was like every step that Cas took towards him, jolted his heart to life. Every freaking step, every second, sent electrical bolts through his body and forced him to relive every single stab of pain, of terror, of anger, then adoration and love. Most of all, complete and utter love for a man who had left him drowning all by himself. A man who had collected his heart, wrapped it up in a warm blanket and then dropped it on the floor. And why? Because he just couldn't stick around a few seconds more to learn the truth.

"Why the hell are you here?" Dean managed to ask, his eyes flashing as if little swirls of electricity were behind them. "Huh?" he swallowed hard as his vision swam from tears. Hot, scalding tears and yet his hands were so cold, his fingers like icicles.

"Dean, I…" and Cas stopped because he couldn't say anything else. The things he wanted to say were too private. None of his heart songs required an audience. And because he lacked words in such a crucial moment, he saw the anger flash behind emerald eyes and his face contorted.

"You know what?" Dean said as he gave in to crying in front of everyone, as tears leaked down his cheeks, "don't even try. Forget it." And turning around, he stormed off, racing into the kitchen and then when he stepped further into the empty space, he couldn't fight it anymore.

Dean stared wildly around him, trying to gasp for air and he felt so lost all of a sudden. So confused that he couldn't decide whether he was having the best dream of his life or living his worst nightmare. Because he had dreamed about that moment happening over and over again since they last saw each other. Since Cas disappeared and never contacted him. It had been a little over a month and he had been pacing himself. Day by day, Dean buried his hope away and couldn't do it.

Now, when he heard the light footfalls behind his back and he could smell that distinct scent of honey and cinnamon, Dean's chest shook from sobs. He covered his face and cried into his fingers, hating himself for becoming so weak that even in the presence of Cas in that moment, he couldn't stand up and face him. He couldn't turn around and belt out words at him to express how upset he was. And Cas…

Cas had crumbled enough, so much that the certainty he used to hold behind his eyes had collapsed from days of breaking and hating himself. Now, he stared at Dean's back, at the softness of his hair behind his neck. He drank in the hunter's smell of Irish Spring and whisky. His chest heaved when his fingers ached to touch. His lips trembled when he longed to taste Dean's lips and still he couldn't because they were standing on thin ice at that point. And he was certain that if he even took one step closer, everything would fall between them.

"I'm sorry," Cas tried in a soft tone that wasn't his. "I know that you hate me right now but you must at least give me the chance to explain why I stayed away."

This time, although he wanted to shout, to scream and to fire back words, Dean remained silent because he was completely drained. He had reached a point where he couldn't throw blows. Where he couldn't deliver hate or pain anymore because he was the embodiment of those two words. He hated himself and he was in pain because he had traversed a dark place in his mind days on end longing for the one man who had decided to stay away from him.

"Dean, when I left you that dreadful day after we argued and I went out to cool off, I ran into Chuck. He and I talked about his distaste in me being with you and then he took me up to Heaven against my will. Whilst I was there," Cas was fearing that he couldn't ever be able to explain himself to the end, "Chuck pushed ahead time. By the time I came back down to earth, three weeks had passed by and I was left with an…empty whisky bottle on a table and you nowhere in sight. I was confused, Dean. I didn't know what had happened and even when Sam explained it all to me, I still couldn't believe that time had passed by and you had suffered. By yourself. Believing that I left you. When Sam and I did track you down, that was when I caught you doing the one thing that broke my heart completely."

Sinking onto a chair by the table with his back still to Cas, Dean squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breath. But he couldn't really.

"Remember when I told you that my worst fear was that you would leave me to be with a woman? Well, I stood there and I watched you kiss her and because it was my worst nightmare, I couldn't stay long enough to listen to you explain yourself. I left because I honestly believed that you had given up on us and you had every right to at that point. Maybe that's why I was so convinced that you had moved on."

Dean said nothing. Instead, he kept staring at the wall in front of him, fisting his hands on the table.

"And then I…did the one thing you would never forgive me for. I came down to earth concealed inside a female vessel and I…" when Dean lifted his eyes to the ceiling, blinking through his tears, Cas' agonized look only suggested that he hated himself so much in that moment. "Dean, I did it because I thought that you had given up and that you weren't in love with me anymore. But then after I listened to Amanda speak about what happened that led up to the…kiss…I…"

Silence. And within that silence, Cas could only hear his heart thumping away like a drum during a ritual and his hands…his fingers were so cold. His knees were so weak. There was a dull throbbing behind his temples.

"I felt so ashamed of believing that you had…been unfaithful –"

"Rip my heart out, Cas," Dean suddenly rose up from the table and turned to face the other man with a wet face and dark eyes. "Rip it out and you'll see what the hell you've done to me. You've killed me, Cas. Every single day," Dean said, tasting his salty tears, "you've killed me with your absence like poison in my damn blood. Do you even know what it feels like to love someone so much that even though they decided to leave you, you can't stop thinking about them?"

"I know what it feels like," Cas whispered. "I've been killing myself in Heaven since we last saw each other, because I didn't think for a second that I deserve you. Not after what happened. We're not supposed to be like this."

When Dean said nothing in return, but merely stared at him, Cas' chest shook. He started crying, biting his lips and feeling the purest form of pain settle through his body.

"The worst part of it, Dean, is that even after I learned the truth about what happened between you and Amanda, I still stayed away because…" Cas shook his head. "Because I wanted you to move on. I wanted you to get over me so I gave you time to find someone who would be more deserving. Someone who could give you everything that I couldn't because I was certain that the moment I came back, you would look at me and you would hate me. Everything I do from now will never be enough because I have disappointed you in every possible way without ever meaning to and—"

"You…want me to move on?" Dean couldn't believe what he had just heard. The truth behind those words were like rips from a knife on his skin. His chest burned.

Cas on the other hand was staring at the hunter as if he was afraid that he would explode. "Dean, I don't want you to hate me because of who I am."

"Tell me one thing, Cas. When you told me before that your grace was getting weaker, did you lie to me?"

"No, I didn't," Cas paced himself, trying to stay calm although he was on fire inside.

"So what weakened you, Cas?" Dean narrowed his eyes, head tilted as he tried to search for the worst kind of thing inside those blue eyes; dishonesty.

"I wanted…you," Cas didn't back down though. He didn't present a pregnant pause that would be filled with paranoia. "I wanted you physically, Dean. And I was fighting against my feelings, using every ounce of my grace to burn away how I was feeling. How I wanted to touch you. To kiss you. Dean…"

"You never answered my question," the hunter wouldn't give up. "Do you want me to move on?"

"I've broken you. You yourself have said it countless times. I don't see a reason why I should continue hurting you because nothing I do seems to be enough for you. If I was enough then you wouldn't wound me with your words as quickly as you did before. I thought we were happy, Dean. I don't want you to move on but it seems as if that's the path you will take because –"

"Cas!" Dean suddenly cried in a hoarse voice, "I love you! Dammit!"

At first, he couldn't believe what had been said. And because Cas' heart would not be stilled, he struggled. "How…" he stumbled on his words, and he stared. "I…don't…understand." Did he hear correctly? After all this time?

"There is nothing else for me to feel right now!" Dean pleaded with his eyes to be understood and it stunned the other man to a point where he merely stood there staring in bewilderment. "I've hated you until I couldn't anymore. For leaving me. For believing that I would cheat on you with someone else. A woman. Son of a bitch. This…" Dean stopped and pointed at Cas. "You…" he clamped his mouth shut and his jaw flexed. "When there was nothing else but me fucking dying in my bed, all I was left with was the memories of you…kissing…me," Dean's lips trembled. "Touching me. In places I ached for you to touch me every single second that you were gone. All of your words and how you taste…filled my damn head and got rid of the hate and I was left with nothing but love. The rawest kind of love. For you."

"Dean…"

"No, let me finish," the hunter's chest heaved. "You had no right…to leave without giving me a chance to explain myself because it felt like the worst kind of karma. I felt like everything between us had been destroyed And you know what kept killing me even more? The fact that you stayed away from me and you couldn't even talk to me. You didn't trust me anymore to even come down here and confront me about what had happened. Cas, we were in a relationship. We had our first fight and you promised that you wouldn't leave me because you believed in me and when you left, I even stopped believing in myself. And you didn't even tell me that Chuck fast forwarded the damn time. Dammit!"

Cas tried to take a deep breath and he could literally feel the shards of his broken heart stabbing his lungs. He stood there and faced those wet emerald eyes and all he wanted was to touch Dean. It was selfish. But he craved him so much more than before. He wanted to rip his clothes off and kiss him, every single inch of his body until he melted and folded and drowned. Until he let go of all his fears and his hurt and pain. And he decidedly started to close the distance between them but Dean…

Dean backed away, blinking fast. Reflex. "No," he said in a broken voice. "You shouldn't do that."

"I want to touch you," Cas fought to breath, drawing closer. "Dean, please."

"No," the hunter shook his head and his face contorted as he tried to fight the urge to cry. "You can't just come back and expect me to give you every single part of me."

"Dean, I love you."

"Cas!" he tried to bat the other man's hands away and still, when his butt hit the edge of the table, and the two of them stared at each other with a thousand burning flames behind their eyes, Dean quickly began to lose control.