Happy Holidays all! I will be taking the week off for Christmas. updates will resume next Saturday!
30
The Hunk
It's been three weeks since Bella's session with her psychiatrist, and Edward is tempted to call and give Zafrina a piece of his mind.
He grips the steering wheel tightly and tries not to look at the emotional wreck in the passenger seat. He can't watch her put herself through this again. He's already done it twenty-three times now, and it breaks him a little more each time.
"Ugh." Bella grunts, wiping the tears pouring out of her eyes on the sleeve of her sweater. "It shouldn't be this hard, Edward."
He sighs.
"Sugar, you've been stuck in your house for two years, and you've made a lot of headway. Zafrina didn't mean for you to push yourself this hard. We have plenty of time to try this before you see her again."
Bella sobs.
"I'm a grown woman, and I can't even drive to the end of the street. I'm safe, in the car, with someone I love, and I just can't do it."
They're parked in front of the townhouse, the car idling and waiting for Bella to give the go ahead that won't come.
At least, not yet.
Edward can tell she isn't ready for this, but she insists.
Bella's putting too much pressure on herself, and she's starting to revert to the way she was when they first met. It's breaking his heart to see her like this.
Just last night she woke up covered in sweat and having a panic attack that rivaled the one he witnessed on Thanksgiving. Edward tried to remain calm, but inside he was freaking out when he couldn't get her to breathe. He was about to call for an ambulance when her anxiety medication finally kicked in, and she was able to mellow out.
He knows she's close to her breaking point, and he's right behind her in that department. Edward hasn't slept since their first attempt, and Rosalie insisted they hire a part-time assistant for him so The Bakery wouldn't suffer.
When Edward isn't with Bella, his sister steps in. He's truly afraid to leave her alone. He knows it's time to call Zafrina, but he's afraid. Of what? He doesn't know. Perhaps it's the unknown.
"I'm ready to go back inside," Bella mumbles, exhausted from the last hour and a half.
He watches her reach for the handle and fail a few times before he leans over and opens the door for her.
He helps her inside and gets her situated on the couch before heading to the kitchen to make her a cup of Sleepytime Tea. Rosalie recommended it because it helps Bella relax enough to nap after one of her attempts.
Edward watches the kettle warm up and blinks away the tears threatening to fall. He's so lost, but Bella begs him every time he reaches for his phone. She pleads with him not to call Zafrina. That tomorrow will be better. That she'll be able to do it. But tomorrow comes and it's never different and the vicious cycle starts over. Edward makes the decision to call Zafrina, Bella's pleading be damned.
He's reaching for his phone when it starts ringing.
Rosalie.
"Ro? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. Angela and I are just cleaning up. She knows she's not as good as you, but the customers enjoy her goods just fine."
Edward breathes heavily.
"I'm sorry, Ro. I just don't have time to talk about business right now. Bella's having a rough day."
Another rough day. All they've had have been rough days.
"I figured that when she didn't call me to announce that she had made the trip. I'm calling because Angela and I were talking, we've been talking for a couple of days, and she mentioned that her husband is a psychiatrist."
"I don't think changing doctors is a good idea right now." No matter how much he hates Zafrina, right now he knows that Bella can't handle another stresser.
"Ben isn't taking on new clients anyway. Angela talked to him last night about Bella's situation, and he has some advice." Rosalie adjusts the phone. "Try it at night, Ed. She'll be more comfortable because there won't be as many people on the road as there are during the day. I'll even come and sit in the back seat if you think it'll help."
Edward's eyes blur with tears. Why didn't he think of this?
The kettle starts to squeal, so he makes Bella's tea, leaving the bag to steep while he wraps up his conversation with Rosalie.
"I'm willing to try anything. I'll get her to take a nap, and we'll do it tonight. If it doesn't work, I'm calling Zafrina. I can't keep this up. I have to drug her almost constantly."
"I know, Ed. It's affecting all of us. Even Baby. This is going to work. I have a great feeling. If Ben is booked solid, he must be good. Not saying that Bella's doctor isn't."
"I know what you mean. Let me get back to her. Please check in when you get home so I know you got here safely."
"Will do. Love you."
She hangs up before Edward can reply, so he drops his phone on the counter and steels himself before returning to Bella.
He finds her curled up in a ball fast asleep and frowns. She's lost weight. Her face is always pale. The dark circles under her eyes are only growing darker.
Edward isn't a religious man, but he pleads silently that she'll get some relief soon. Rosalie said she had a good feeling about tonight, but he just can't find it in him to get too excited over something that could backfire.
He decides to go upstairs and clean up after last night's panic attack while she sleeps. He strips the bed of the sweat-stained sheets and drops them into the washing machine, checking on her before returning to his task.
He makes the bed with Bella's favorite sheets and comforter and lays out the pajamas she wears the most with the idea to keep her as calm as possible before they try to make it around the block. He'll have her take a bath and dress for bed just in case things go south and he has to sedate her.
Again.
It kills him to force those pills down her throat.
He checks on her again. She's facing the back of the couch now. Her cheeks are tear-stained, and he wants to wipe them clean but knows it will wake her up. She needs to rest. Edward needs rest. He's beyond exhausted, but he can't relax until she's okay. He's killing himself slowly.
"Honey."
Edward peeks over the back of the couch and finds her awake.
"Hi, Sugar. You okay?"
Bella shrugs and scooches over. "You should come lie down with me. You look tired."
He kicks off his shoes and lies next to her, pulling and adjusting until they're touching toes to nose.
Edward gives a shaky breath. "I love you, Sugar. I wish I could fix this for you."
He's emotional and exhausted, but he's still surprised when tears start to pour from his eyes like a faucet. He doesn't want her to feel guilty or think he isn't strong enough to get her through this.
"Oh, Honey," Bella cries. "I'm so sorry."
"No," Edward chokes. "I'm sorry. I just hate seeing you like this. It's killing me."
Bella frowns. "You can go if you need to. I don't want to drag you down because I can't function like a normal member of—"
"You shut your mouth right now," Edward tells her, placing a hand over her mouth. "I'm not going anywhere unless you're going with me. No matter what. So don't even go there, okay?"
Bella nods and pulls his hand away, but she doesn't let it go.
"You're perfect, Bella. We're going to get past this, and we're going to start tonight." He kisses her salty, chapped lips.
"Tonight?"
Edward nods. "Rosalie has an idea. We're going to try again tonight when there aren't so many people around. I truly think it will help a great deal."
"I'm willing to try anything." She yawns. "But we both could use a good nap. I know you haven't been sleeping. and I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I'd do anything for you, Sugar. This is just a bump in the road to our forever. I promise."
Bella yawns again, pulling the blanket off the back of the couch over them.
Edward's body relaxes for the first time since the day of Bella's therapy appointment when they tried it for the first time.
Hours later, he wakes up alone on the couch, a blanket tucked around him tightly.
The house smells delicious, and he can hear Bella tinkering around in the kitchen while Rosalie tells her all about Angela.
"I really think you're going to like her. She's quiet, but she's pretty great. I'm going to miss seeing her every day when Edward comes back full time—" Rosalie pauses abruptly. "Oh, no, Bella. It's fine. He needs to be here for you right now, and to be honest, he can't keep going being the only one in the kitchen anyway. This whole situation has taught us that we need backup."
Edward wants to go check on Bella, but he knows that sometimes he isn't what she needs. Rosalie is the perfect stand in.
"I know. I just hate that it's gotten this bad. I should have let Edward call Zafrina a long time ago."
"Tonight's going to work, Bells. Have a little faith," Rosalie insists.
"I lost my faith a long time ago, Rose. I need you to promise me something."
"Anything. Name it."
"If tonight goes bad, I want you to go into my phone and call Zafrina's emergency line. Just give them my name and tell them nine-one-one," Bella says softly. "Please don't make your brother do it."
"It's not necessary, but I promise."
Bella gives Rosalie her passcode, and Edward decides that he needs to "wake up".
He gives a loud yawn, kicks the coffee table, and stumbles into the kitchen.
"Hi, beautiful ladies. I smell something delicious."
Bella smiles timidly and points to the crock pot. "I made some of Gran's cheddar broccoli soup, and Rose brought home some croissants from work."
"Sounds good. I'm going to run to the bathroom while you two dish everything out." He kisses her mouth and rushes out of the room.
Edward takes care of business and washes his face before joining the girls at the table.
For the first few minutes, the only sounds are spoons hitting the bottom of bowls and appreciative sighs until Bella brings up tonight's attempt.
"I think I should take a Xanax before we leave the house. Just to be safe."
Edward's spoon falls back into his bowl, splattering the tablecloth with soup.
Rosalie shoots him a stern look and nods her head.
"Yeah, Sugar. That sounds like a good idea," he says, picking his spoon back up.
He's not hungry anymore, but he doesn't want to upset her, so he stirs his soup around and picks at the flaky pastry next to his bowl.
Tonight has to go well. He doesn't know what Zafrina will do if it doesn't. He just knows that it won't be good.
Edward offers to do the dishes while the girls relax in the living room.
They talk softly about the baby, Rosalie found out last week that she's having a girl, but there was little excitement, considering Bella's distress. His sister was understanding, given the situation, saying they would celebrate after Bella's success.
They've gotten pretty close, and their relationship has changed—Edward and Rosalie's. Sure, they still give each other shit and fight over petty stuff, but there's more caring and conversation now.
He starts the dishwasher and dries his hands before joining them.
"Have you thought of names?" Bella asks while her hands roam over Rosalie's bare stomach. "She kicked!"
"I know." Rosalie laughs. "I feel it on the inside all the time. I considered naming her after the love of my life, but it would get confusing, having two Bellas wandering around."
Bella snorts.
"I'm serious."
"Our grandmother's name was Elizabeth Katherine, and I really like the idea of Katherine, Kat for short. I'm dead serious about the middle name though. You're my best friend, and I want you to know how important you are to me. Katherine Marie Cullen."
Bella's lip quivers. "I would love to share my middle name with the coolest kid on the planet. Thank you, Rose."
"No, thank you. Seriously, you and Edward have saved me more times than I can count, and my life is better with you in it."
"Ditto," Edward comments.
Rosalie grabs his hand and places it on her side.
He feels his niece kick and punch against him excitedly.
She's going to be a handful just like her mother.
Rosalie makes an excuse to stay at their house while they get bundled up.
"I brought some cookie dough that Angela had left over, so I'm going to attempt to make something edible while you're out. I'd rather leave the mess in your oven if things go south."
Bella shrugs and zips up her coat, slightly mellowed from the medication.
She wraps her arm around Edward's middle as they walk to the car.
"How do you feel, Sugar?"
"Honestly, I feel a little different, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up."
He opens the passenger door for her and takes a deep breath before getting inside.
Please go well.
Edward starts the car and looks at Bella expectantly.
Her hands start to shake, but she grips her thighs, breathes heavily, and nods her head. "Go."
"Are you—"
"Don't ask me if I'm sure. Go," She states firmly.
Edward slowly shifts the car out of park and into drive and moves about a foot before turning back to Bella.
She glares at him. "I said go, Edward."
He nods and moves five more feet.
Bella growls.
"Okay, okay." Edward checks his rear view mirror and pulls out onto the street. He has one eye on the asphalt and the other on Bella.
She closes her eyes for a few seconds before smiling softly. "I forgot about all the trees," she whispers quietly. "I used to collect leaves when I would take my morning walk around the block."
"What did you do with them?"
"I would put them in a vase on the coffee table until they spoiled."
They make a turn, and Bella reaches over, gripping Edward's thigh.
"Honey, I'm fine. Please watch the road."
Edward nods and turns his gaze back to where it should be.
"The house up here on the left is haunted. At least, I think it is. I remember it going up for rent every other month. Tenants never stayed around for long."
They pass the small house on the left, and sure enough, there's a for rent sign on the front lawn.
"See what I mean?"
"We should contact Ghost Hunters."
"Hmmm. Oh, I wonder if the Pepto Bismol house is still that awful shade of pink. Don't tell me if you know. I want to see for myself when we try this during the day."
Edward beams. She's going to be so happy to see the ugly house on the corner. It's an eyesore in this beautiful neighborhood. He's taking it as a good sign that she's talking about doing this during the day though.
Maybe this was the trick. He doesn't know how he'll ever repay Angela's husband if this is what Bella needed.
They pull back onto their street, and Bella squeezes his leg.
"Can we go one more time?"
"Sugar, I would blow the entire tank of gas and drive you around all night until we're running on fumes if you asked me to."
Bella smiles wide, her white teeth glowing under the streetlamps. She lets go of Edward's leg and taps the horn twice as they pass their house. "Rose is probably watching." She rolls down her window and waves. It's freezing, but she still leaves it down, letting the wind rustle her hair as she breathes in the evening air.
Edward drives Bella around the block eight times before she gets bored and tells him they should call it a night.
Rosalie managed to destroy the cookie dough and one of Bella's good baking sheets. After she hugs the crap out of Bella's neck, she heads home for the night.
Edward opens the kitchen window while Bella heads upstairs.
He opens their bedroom door and finds her sitting at the foot of the bed. "You okay, Sugar?"
"I'm great. I feel so good right now I don't think I can sleep."
She unbuttons her top slowly, her smile widening with each one released.
"Hmm. I guess we could play a game of cards until you get tired," Edward jokes, watching her toss her bra to the floor.
"Unless you're talking about strip poker, I'm not interested. I've missed you, Honey." She holds out her hand. "Come make love to me."
When they're satiated for the night, Edward falls into a deep sleep and doesn't wake up until noon the next day.
He'd probably sleep longer if Bella wasn't poking him in the face and bouncing around like a lunatic.
"Honey, wake up."
"What's going on?" He sits up.
"I want you to take me on a drive. Put some clothes on. Let's go." She throws a pair of jeans at his head and practically skips out the door.
Edward can't get dressed fast enough.
He's finally getting his Sugar back, and he couldn't be happier.
before everyone starts berating Edward for not calling Zafrina before things got really bad please take into account that Bella was not a danger to herself or anyone else. One of the most important things about mental illness is that you cant force someone to get help. Bella would have fallen down the rabbit hole if her choice was taken away from her.
can we all squishy hug a fat Rose though? putting aside the excitement of finally finding out the sex of her baby for her friend?
also, however will Edward repay Ben for his wonderful advice? (as someone that suffers from agoraphobia and has mini backslides it is easier to get dip your toe back in the water at night than it is during the day because there aren't as many people, the dark can hide a multitude of sins and threats and it's all around more comfortable )
See you next week!