"I think about it sometimes, even now."

"What's that?" asked Fin, reaching for the mug to his left and taking a lingering slurp.

He was getting old, thought Olivia sadly. Then, laughing grimly to herself she realised she was kidding herself. She was getting old too. When did that happen? They had been the young ones. They had been invincible. Benson, Stabler, Tutuola and Munch under Captain Cragen's watchful gaze. Were they here glory days? They were the start of them, she decided. Though born decades earlier she wasn't truly alive until she started wearing that badge. It had been her rebirth. It had been when she had learned there was more to life than fighting to keep her mother alive. It had been where she had started to believe that she could undo the sins of the past and exorcise the ghost of her father.

"Liv?"

"The time we wasted."

"We being….." said Fin slowly, bringing his coffee to rest in his lap and sighing heavily, "… you and Stabler?"

"I loved him for years Fin."

"I know you did."

"Years, years we could have had together. Maybe it's nostalgia, maybe its grief. Maybe my window to the past has rose tinted glass. I just can't help but go over in my mind all those times we almost…." closing her eyes, taking a moment, Olivia pursed her lips, "… we fought it for so long. We both knew, we talked about it so many times."

"We all knew."

"No…." she countered, her brows knitting. Fin smiled, it was rare to see coy in her.

"Are you kidding me? I've told you this. I know I have. Even in the early days. Right from day one. I couldn't stand that arrogant son of a bitch but there was no denying he'd caught you in his crosshairs. Anyone'd lit a match around you too we'd have all gone up in smoke."

"Did you ever think we'd be here all these years later?" she smiled, reaching for her own coffee.

"Lavender Fields Retirement Home for the criminally decrepit?" he asked, his ever jet black hair now grey. His kind eyes ever warm, ever her safe place.

Fin was home to Olivia. It was hard for her to remember a time now, when he wasn't. He had been there even before Elliot had. She recalled with a crushing love and nostalgia those early days with a tiny baby Eve. The way he'd protected them, the way he'd showed up at her door in anticipation of the call she had yet to make. She clung to him now, as ever, her port in a storm.

"Odafin Tutuola don't you dare!"

"Oh, oh you mean did I think you'd be…." waiting for her eyes to roll back into their normal position Fin chuckled to himself. "Do you mean do you think if I'd told twenty whatever year old Olivia Benson that one day she'd live happily ever with Detective Stabler she'd have laughed me out the squad room?"

"She'd have clipped you round the ear."

"She'd have been right."

"Oh come on Fin, even you can't speak ill of the dead."

"I loved him really, a long time since and you know it…. " said Fin sadly.

"He knew it too."

"I don't think she'd have believed me. Two kids, two grandkids…." then before she could speak Fin caught her wide brown eyes and shook his head relenting, "… my bad. Three kids? Four kids? Do we count Beth too at this point? When does Paul qualify? Are we at four grandkids now or did I miss anyone?"

"I got everything I ever wanted, Fin…." she said, her voice catching as she flashed him a brave smile, "… a family. And the icing on the cake? I got it with him."

"Liv…."

"And now he's gone….." he reached for her hand, soft and small as her fingers hugged his, "… and I don't know how to do this without him."

"I'm fine."

"You know they'll write that on your headstone…." said Eve with a flippant faraway sign, and then suddenly fell back into her own body and to reality. She clutched the sweater in her and turned slowly to her mother. "Mom I am so sorry. That was totally and completely…."

"True?" offered Olivia, arching a brow and turning up the corners of her mouth. "Relax, my love. It's just the two of us. You can say whatever the hell you want."

"It's not as though Dad would care right? He never stood on ceremony. He was literally the worst person in the world at hiding his feelings."

"They usually found their way into the nearest wall….." smiled Olivia with a sad fondness, grabbing another handful of shirt's from Elliot's wardrobe, "… with force."

"Are you sure you want to do this Mom?" asked Eve again, her breath catching slightly to see some of Elliot's favourite items of clothing covering the bed. "I mean right now? So soon? It just seems kinda sudden after we just had the funeral and…."

"Sweetheart I've been saying goodbye to your father for over two years. There's nothing sudden about any of this."

"I just don't want you to regret it, is all…." said Eve carefully, knowing the strength of her mother's will and the continued veracity of her convictions.

"You can take whatever you want. Anything at all, anything you want to keep or you think you might want in the future. For the kids, for any reason. I'll say the same to Sammy when he gets here. I want you both to feel like you're as much a part of all this as I am."

"Thanks, thanks Mom that's….." biting her lip Eve drew a slow trembling breath, "… you know we never did finish that conversation on you staying on here."

"No, no I know we didn't."

"I wish you would. I wish you'd stay here and let us take care of you. There's plenty of room and the kids would be so excited. They've just loved having you living here with us, even under the circumstances."

"I know they have Evie but don't put that on me."

"I didn't mean to…."

"I haven't decided what I want to do yet. I need more time. I am so, so very grateful to both of you for having us here. I know it wasn't easy, on either of you. Especially not when we brought your Dad here at the end."

"Mom are you serious? Of course we brought you here. Of course we wanted both of you as close as possible. We still do. You don't have to stay in this room. We have other guest rooms. Paul was even saying that we could renovate the old pool house and make it into a whole guest house for you. Your own kitchen, your own living space. Just say the word and we'll start calling around and getting…."

"Evie stop!" snapped Olivia, her brown eyes wild for a moment. Holding up a trembling hand she drew her forehead to a deep furrow, "Please? Just stop."

"I'm sorry, Mom, I…."

"Come here, come on, come sit with me?" said Olivia softly, moving aside enough piles of clothes to clear space and then patting the comforter encouragingly.

"I just want to fix it for you. I want to fix everything. I want all of this to hurt less and I don't know how. I guess I just thought if I had you here, close, safe, then…."

"I know you did, my sweet girl…." soothed Olivia softly, reaching for Eve and drawing her into waiting arms. Though she may be an adult now, a woman, she would forever be her little girl. It cut both ways, as Eve held her mother tight.

"Where will you go?" squeaked Eve, sitting up and pouring over Olivia's aging face. It twisted at her insides to see with her eyes what her heart refused to acknowledge: her mother was growing old. Somehow, there were moments lately, where she seemed smaller.

"I don't know."

"Mom….."

"I need more time Evie."

"Okay….." said Eve, steeling herself and nodding with a determined smile, "… okay I hear you. I'll stop pushing. Or at least I'll try to?"

"I know you want to fix it for me sweetheart. I know just how badly, remember? You're my daughter that way."

"You know I don't care who you talk to. I really don't. It doesn't have to be me. Fin or Sammy, or Cal or Texas or the guy at that fro-yo place you and twins love. Just promise me that….." grabbing for Olivia's hand Eve caught herself before tears, finding her voice again to insist, "… just promise me that you will talk. Promise me that you won't try to do this by yourself?"

"I promise."

"Mierda, está helado…."

"Hey…." turning his head as Texas emerged from the back porch door Calvin flashed a smile, "… you're awake."

"You let me sleep in again. What did I tell you about that guapo…." drawing her dressing gown tighter around herself Texas padded barefoot out onto the deck and sat herself down beside him on the top step."

"You needed the sleep. I know you waited up for Legs again last night."

"Oh and you didn't?" she challenged, her lip curling to a smirked smile at the mere notion that Calvin would sleep easy before Elena was safely back home. "Besides, you haven't slept through the night since Elliot died. I'm not the one burning two candles here."

"What?" he asked, furrowing his brow while nursing his coffee cupped between his hands.

"What?" she puzzled, still wearing half of yesterday's makeup around her eyes. He smiled, reaching over leaning his arm against her shoulder to smear black kohl from under her eye with his thumb.

"I think it's burning one candle. Burning the candle at both ends. That's, you know, the saying."

"Oh, I see."

"Tex…." his voice was low, seesawing, and he rolled his eyes and body toward her.

"No, no I'm fine, I'm just over here waiting for you to give me this phrase en español so that we can discuss semantics in…."

"Shut up!" he laughed, leaning over and falling into her, burying his face into the nape of her neck.

"You shut up, asshole."

"Boots?" he swallowed, his lips moving but words failing him. Instead he pressed kisses against her neck and inhaled the familiarity of her perfume.

"You doing okay, mi amor?" she asked, biting her lip in anticipation of him giving the answer she already knew.

"Not really."

"I know…." she sighed, removing the mug from his hand and setting it down behind them.

"He died ….." came a hoarse choke from her chest, "… Elliot fucking died."

"I know…." she said again, because that was all she needed to say. Because she did, she knew, and that was the greatest comfort of all to him.

For a while they sat together, her holding him, him allowing silent tears to fall into the soft fluff of her dressing down. She drew him closer, kept her arms fast around him. He clung tight, her kisses against his head a reminder that she was there. She had always and would always be there.

"You know she said something to me at the wake…."

"Olivia?"

"She said that I knew about loss. I knew about loving people and losing them. Letting them go."

"Pues porque es verdad, mi amor…." she said softly, stroking at his temple and pressing a firm kiss against it. "It is true. You've known loss in your life. More than most and that doesn't get any easier."

"I'm not the only one. I'm nothing special. You've lost people. I mean I know Fin is coming and going a little lately but he's feeling this. They knew each other for pretty much a lifetime. They were family. Evie and Sam? Mr S was dad kids dream of, right? And Mama….." she felt his body clench, "… jeez, Tex…."

"Evie and Sam loved Elliot with their whole hearts but he was all they ever knew as a father. He wasn't the dad they dreamed about…." wrapping her arms a little tighter around his shoulders so that he couldn't escape she whispered into his temple, "… he was the dad you dreamed of."

"That's not true….." he lied with a heavy sigh, hauling himself wearily from her chest and finding her dark brown eyes, "… you're annoying. Annoyingly good at that. And I'm lying through my teeth."

"And I know you're scared to show how badly you're hurting to Olivia or Evie or Sam because you think you don't deserve to grieve him the way they do."

"I never knew good man until him."

"Cal…."

"Johnny was a brother to me and I loved him but he was a bastard Tex. Maybe he didn't start out that way but he wasn't good. The moment I got into it with Evie. The moment she talked about him and I saw him with her. I saw how Mr S would run through fire for her. He wasn't perfect. He was angry and stubborn and he rode my ass, hard, and we took a long time to get on the same page. But we got there, Tex. We got there and all along the way he taught me things I won't ever forget. He taught me everything I know about being a dad and a husband and a man."

"He was a good man."

"And I never found the words. I never found the words to tell him how much….." chewing at his cheek, throwing his eyes ever further back in his head to stem tears Calvin swallowed hard, "… to thank him. For all of it. I never said it. Even at the end."

"You didn't have to say it. He knew. He knew because you lived it, you're still living it."

"And I promised him. I promised him, Tex. I swore I'd take care of her, I'd protect her. How do I fix this for her? I can't fix this. No one can. I don't even know where to…. how to….."

"You do, cariño. You might not have figured it out just yet but you will. You'll show up and you'll be there and then you'll know."

"Maybe."

"Cal I…."

"What?"

"This isn't just about losing Elliot or the promise you made him is it? This is about her and how terrified you are that one day…."

"Don't….." he snapped, his eyes flying up and landing hot on hers, "… don't even, Texas."

"Okay."

"I can't talk about that."

"Okay, okay I'm sorry….." she whispered, retreating quickly back over the line she had crossed.

"Mama said something else…." his voice still strained Calvin pursed his lips and waited a second. "I know she worships Evie and Sam, it wasn't about that. She cares about everyone. Too fucking much she cares about every single person in this family. But she said how she's not sure she can come back from this, from him. Because he was the one thing he knew he couldn't stand to lose."

"Calvin I know that she's that for you….." said Texas softly, reaching a hand to his shoulder.

"No she isn't…." replied Calvin, speaking at a gravelled husk from somewhere deep down inside of himself, "… you are."

"I…." choking on the rest of her sentence she stared at him stunned.

Turning himself fully towards her Calvin reached a hand to her face, stroking her cheek with his knuckles. Then, with his hand in her hair he drew her close and kissed her with an urgency, and a certainty that was passionate and gut wrenching and everything that the two of them had always and would always be.

"It'll rip my heart out losing her one day but I'm not stupid. I'm not naïve. I see her getting old, getting tired. She isn't about me. It's all about her, it's all about her from here on out and I don't get to be selfish about whatever time she has. Whatever time we have with her."

"Wow…." mouthed Texas, her lips still swollen from his kiss and now salty with tears she hadn't realised she was crying.

"But you?" he rasped, "I sure as shit get to be selfish where you're concerned Tex because I couldn't do this without you. I couldn't do any of it without you. And you don't get to go anywhere, not ever, not without me. Any place we go, we go together. So I probably don't say this enough but I'm saying it now: you are the one thing I couldn't survive losing."

"I'm not going anywhere, mi amor…." she smiled, kissing him tenderly.

"You didn't have to do this, you know."

"I know."

"The twins are still in school."

"I know."

"Mom isn't here."

"Evie I know….." sighed Calvin, grabbing for her arm and dragging her toward him. Taking her shoulders in each of his hands he gripped them firm, and pinned her, without resistance, to his chest. Holding her tight he said again, softer this time, "I know, Evie. I came for you."

"How'd you do that?" she squeaked, fighting hard against the crumbling of her carefully constructed walls. "How'd you always see clean through me Calvin Arliss."

"You're a terrible liar. Same as your brother. He's on his way over."

"You did that too, huh?" she half laughed, half sobbed. Clinging to him a little, just enough, she took a deep breath.

"Figured we could just hang out a while."

"Texas? She's…." ventured Eve, gathering herself upright and dabbing tears from the corners of her eyes with her index fingers.

"Running interference."

"Which is Cal speak for…."

"She's gonna meet CJ and Livi from school and take them home to ours. Your Mom will be joining them. Tex will be making chilli. It's a whole thing. Don't interfere."

"Okay, okay, I promise…." holding her hands him in surrender she took a long, easy breath. She felt herself exhale. She felt her heart unclench for the first time since she could remember.

"Legs has a date tonight, did you know that? She dates now. Leni dates. So that's a thing."

"How you doing with that, Dad?" smiled Eve, forgetting her sadness for a moment and finding a smile.

"Oh I'm great, I'm fine. Chill, cool. I mean between that and the thought that it'll be Livi's turn soon enough I'm pretty much just…."

"You're hilarious is what you are…." giggled Eve, patting his arm lovingly as she wandered to the coffee machine and set a fresh pot, "… and I for one cannot wait to watch this all play out. You know this is karma right?"

"I know your Dad is fucking laughing his head off at me from somewhere up there."

"Right…." she gasped, before her shoulders shook with a cathartic laugh, "…. right."

"You know I've got to thinking a lot about that lately. How it was for him. I couldn't see it then. I couldn't have seen it. I couldn't have known, you know? What it's like to have a daughter."

"And now you do?" of course he did, but she wanted him to tell her. She wanted him to talk, because she would always want to hear what he had to say.

"I know that anyone hurts Leni or Livi and I will break them. I will end them, Evie."

"I believe you….." she replied, wincing slightly and adding, "… and it's actually kind of terrifying."

"I have no idea why Mr S didn't kill me."

"Cal…." she sighed, busying herself gathering up three coffee mugs in anticipation of Sam's imminent arrival.

"Oh I'm serious Eve. I am dead serious. I was every father's worst nightmare. You were a cheerleader. You were a smart, shiny, pompom waving little girl and I was a terrible idea. I met you picking up Johnny from a police precinct. I was probably drunk, or a high, maybe even armed!"

"You were none of those things and you know it."

"I was the guy parents pray their daughter's never meet."

"But I did meet you….." setting down the milk in her hand she deliberately paused, waiting for him to meet her eyes, "…. and I fell head over heels in love with you."

"Teenage girls are fucking stupid."

"Try telling a teenage girl that…." she smiled knowingly, and he smiled back, "…. besides, it didn't turn out so bad for me, right?"

"I mean…."

"Calvin?"

"What?"

"Leni isn't me. She's no Bambi. She's smarter, she's sassier, she's a million times less naïve than I was at her age. And even if she isn't, so what? You have no business keeping her locked up and more than my Dad did me. Let her fly, babe. Let her fall. You'll be there to pick her up, more than once. She'll be just fine."

"I wish you weren't right."

"Well I almost always am. Besides, what makes you think that you're the biggest danger for any guy that breaks Leni's heart?" laughing to herself, relaxed, open, because that was where they were now Eve shook her head fondly.

"What? Tex?" he asked, then seeing Eve nod comically Calvin couldn't help but smirk. "Yeah, that's fair, you might have a point there."

"Cookie?" she offered, holding the open jar out for him.

"Livia bake these?"

"Yeah they're Dad's favourite…" catching herself, like a deer in headlights, the hand holding out the cookie jar began to tremble.

"Hey, hey, no, no come here…." said Calvin, catching his hip against the kitchen counter in his haste to get to her. Grabbing for Eve he crushed her into his arms and held her there as she dissolved into sobs, her slight body wracking against his.

"I'm sorry, I'm such a mess. I'm fine, honestly, I…." but as she wriggled to move away he refused her, coiling his arms tighter and waiting for her to surrender. She did so, with relief, leaning against him and closing her eyes to the exhaustion and grief she fought the waves of daily.

"Am I? Is this?" after several long moments Calvin came back to himself, hesitated, and drew away. "Paul?"

"It's fine, Cal. Don't be weird, he gets it. He gets us."

"I just…."

"I know."

"I hate seeing you…." he shrugged, losing the ability to put into words what he was trying to say.

"You are the sweetest soul Calvin Arliss…." she whispered, choking slightly as she reached out and slid her hand into his, "… don't ever change, okay?"

"I just wanna be there for you, that's all. If that's not cool with him or, well, or with you then…."

"Cal in the decade since we separated you haven't missed one birthday, one Christmas, one parent's evening or one flu season. Paul knows that. Paul accepted a long time ago that being with me means being with my kids, being with my family. That's you. That's you coming over here when my Dad just died and knowing that hanging out with you and Sammy right now is just exactly what I need. He gets that."