Clay had thought the therapy he had been doing with Lucas in the hospital was hard but after his first day doing outpatient rehab it felt like he had been blown up all over again. He was sore all over, not just his legs but his entire body. He had a strict regimen for all over strengthening and not just for his legs. His muscles had atrophied being in bed for a month and he had a long road to make his way back.
Between PT sessions a team of commanders would come down to meet with him to discuss his readiness or evaluate different factions of his mental and physical health to get back in the field and were impressed by how quickly he was recovering but stressed that he would have to secure all physical requirements the Navy has to become authorized to work out with Bravo again and then get recertified in all Tier One requirements on top of that. They kept telling him that there was not a time limit for him, but had given him the dates for the next round of green team candidates and it was only a few months before they started their training. If he wasn't back before then his spot had the potential to go to someone else.
Waking up early in the morning to battlefield sounds coming from the living room Clay got up and walked out of his room, pausing when he saw Brett sitting in front of the television set crying as he watched the camera footage of when his best friend was blown up. Clay felt the tears sting at his own eyes as he slowly stepped forward, sitting down on the coffee table next to where Brett sat, head in his hands.
"I'm fine." Brett mumbled, trying to hide that he was crying.
"Yeah..uh, I know." Clay said quietly. "I uh...if you want to talk..."
"Said I'm fine." Brett snapped, getting up and walking quickly to the bathroom.
Clay took a deep breath and walked back into his bedroom, laying back down but not sleeping. He had three hours until Emma would be there to take him to his appointment. Five days in a row he came home from rehab to find Brett watching the same footage or going over stacks of medical paperwork but Brett would never talk to him about it, changed the subject as soon as he realized Clay was watching him and turned the focus right back on him. Asking how his day had been, if he needed anything.
It was nice to have Emma come by to pick him up most mornings, dropping him at PT but after his third night home she had gone back to her house and they had gone back to their phone conversations rather than in person. Most nights Clay was so exhausted even those conversations didn't last long before he started to fall asleep. Emma had taken it upon herself to start sorting through things at their house, getting everything ready for when her dad would list the house...she knew the day was coming, she just didn't know how soon it would be. What she did know is that he wouldn't be able to do the sorting himself. She had the house basically to herself with Mikey at camp during the weeks and only home every other weekend to visit. She often found herself sitting on the floor of her parents bedroom holding something in her hands as she cried.
Clay could always tell in the morning when it had been a particularly rough night but he never forced her to talk about it and instead would just lean in closer to her or try and do anything to get her to smile. He lived for the moments where her smile met her eyes and he could feel his own smile do the same. It was his bright light in the fog that was helping him to keep pushing through.
That particular morning Emma was quiet and Clay knew she had something on her mind and when they pulled up to the hospital he refused to get out of the car until she told him what was going on, "My summer recital is this afternoon. I don't even want to go but..."
"What? Why didn't you tell me? Just come get me when you are leaving and I will go with you." Clay told her, reaching out his hand to squeeze hers.
"No...you need to be here...I just...someone from the family has always been there and now..."
"Emma I want to be there." Clay told her.
"I know you do...but you can't." Emma said with tears in her eyes, "You need to be here. That's why I didn't tell you." Looking down at her hand in hers she turned her body to face him. "You have no idea how much I want you to be there but I need you to be you again and doing therapy...that is what is going to do that...and you need to be ready to be able to go to Lisa's graduation in a couple weeks and you can't miss anymore time...especially not to watch me sing a song you have heard me sing a million times."
As Clay looked at her he could see the determination in her eyes and knew there was no point in arguing so he tried something different. "Call me then...I want to hear the whole thing."
"Seriously?" Emma asked as she rolled her eyes. "You have heard all the songs before."
"If you don't promise to call me I will get a cab and go there in person." Clay said, letting go of her hand and crossing his arms.
"You are a child." Emma rolled her eyes with a smile.
"So you are going to call me?" He asked with a smile.
"Yeah." Emma said, opening the door of the truck.
"Promise?" Clay asked when he made his way around the other side, walking getting easier every day.
"Yes." Emma smiled.
"Say it." Clay told her.
"I promise to call you." She said as they walked in the door by the rehab room.
"Hey Emm?" Clay asked, knowing she had to run to get to work and wouldn't have time to make him talk about what he was about to say.
"Yeah?" She asked, turning around with a smile.
"Your voice saved me." Feeling his eyes well up with the admission before he quickly walked into the room leaving her standing alone in the hallway.
"Hey, Em, I was, uh hoping I'd, uh get you, but, uh...I wanted to just wish you good luck before your recital. And, um you know, with the whole tuition thing, I still don't really have any updates on that...But I'm working on it, and it's gonna get done. Do me a favor, will you, just give Mikey a hug for me. Tell him to keep his head up when he plays. All right, and, uh give your dad a call, will you?" Jason sighed as he hung up the phone, looking at a photo of him with his kids in their quarters.
Clay had just text him from rehab telling him that she had her recital that afternoon and after punching a wall for being mad at not knowing she was even still doing the choir thing after graduating, let alone that the recital was today.
"Long night of fun with the lady shrink?" Ray asked walking into the room finding Jason.
"About as long as, uh, your little breakfast you just had with, uh, your new friend what's her name?"
"Christine."
"Christine."
"Yeah, she got clipped in the Manilla bombing. Been checking on her, seeing if she's all right."
"She got clipped, huh?"
"Yeah, she got clipped."
"So, Ray, let me ask you something, what about Naima what does she think about a treatment for her?"
"She doesn't think anything, 'cause I haven't told her about it, 'cause there's nothing to say."
"If you say so, Ray. If you say so."
"Something you're trying to ask me, brother?"
"Yeah." Jason growled, but before Jason had a chance to continue both of their phones went off and the two walked out, trying to switch back to business mode.
"Anybody know what the hell's going on?" Sonny asked as the plane took off with all of them in it a couple hours later.
"Just better not be another readiness drill..."
"No doubt."
"I hate those. They're like dry strip clubs: pole's the same, stage is the same, but without the booze, it's like an eighth grade dance." Sonny rambled.
"Sorry, what kind of eighth grade dances they have in Texas, Sonny?" Jason asked.
"Good ones, man." Sonny smirked as Eric walked over to them.
"Gentlemen. Apologies for the hasty takeoff, but this mission is extremely time-sensitive." He said as Mandy walked up behind him.
"Ten hours ago, eight members of an Army Special Forces ODA were ambushed on the ground in Mali by fighters from the Islamic Fighters of Mali. IFM." Mandy told them.
AFRICOM is still sorting the facts, but everything that could go wrong did. They were hit hard, engaging in a running gunfight for a couple klicks before being ambushed by a second Islamic Fighters element here. The team retreated on foot, held enemy forces at bay until their QRF arrived." Eric explained.
"If they made it out, why are we going anywhere?" Ray asked.
"One of our soldiers didn't make it back." Mandy said. "In the chaos, Captain Aaron Washington was cut off from the team when they left their vehicles. Sat footage of the firefight places him on the edge of a ravine when he was RPG'd."
"We still in comms contact with Washington?" Sonny asked.
"Captain Washington was KIA." Eric said.
"Your job is to locate and secure the remains of Captain Washington before IFM finds him and turns this into a propaganda opportunity." Mandy told them.
"Captain Washington was a husband, a father. His family in Idaho deserves to bury him." Eric said, ending the explanation.
"Shit." Sonny said, as he sat down leaning back in his seat. "That could have been Adam..."
"We go in, we do our job. We bring Washington home." Jason said before walking off by himself on the other end of the plane.
"What's his problem?" Sonny asked.
"He blames himself for Adam." Mandy reminded him before walking over and sitting down next to Jason, not saying anything about his reaction, she just wanted him to know that she was there.
The boys watched as Mandy made herself comfortable next to Jason and in under a minute his shoulder was pressed against hers and his head was leaned back, tilted toward hers with his eyes were closed. "We do this. We do it right. We get home safe." Ray said, looking around at his team, no matter how pissed off him and Jason may get at each other they were brothers...closer than family, and he needed his best friend to be okay.
"His head isn't right and you know it." Sonny mumbled to Ray.
"How is your head Sonny? Ray asked back, "Because mine is back in Virginia too."
"Just doesn't feel right." Brock said.
"That is why we all need to just do our jobs and make sure we all get home safe." Ray told them before walking over and sitting down next to Mandy.
"He's out." Mandy mumbled as the plane shook and Jason's head slid down onto her shoulder.
"You think he is up for this?"
"I think he needs this just as bad as the rest of you. Stir crazy isn't a good look for Bravo." Mandy told him before flipping the script on him, "How is Christine?"
"She is fine." Ray said, not liking the judgement, but knowing that her heart was in the right place, "Nothing going on between us...just nice to have someone to talk to."
"Mmmm." Mandy said, knowing he was now throwing it back to the two of them.
"He came to you long before him and Alana separated." Ray said, not tip toeing around it. "Works for him."
"Is she on the same page I was?" Mandy asked him. "Jason and I have our roles. We know where we stand and where the line needs to be."
"What's going on there?" Clay asked, walking into the living room and finding Brett on the couch staring at a frozen image on the tv. "You know, the TV's a lot better when it's on." Clay said trying to break Brett from whatever he was focused on as he walked into the kitchen.
"Nice cane. Leg must be improving." Brett said, seeing Clay had switched from the walker to a cane.
"Don't worry, I'm still gonna need your help getting into the shower." Clay smirked, "Check out my new rehab program." He said, nodding towards the folder he dropped on the counter before he saw a pot on the stove smoking. "Swann, again with the stove? Dude, come on, how many times you gonna leave this thing on this month, man?" When Brett just shrugged Clay didn't push, he knew more was going on with his friend than he cared to admit...which was why he was still crashing on his couch when Clay hadn't needed him in a while. "My, um my therapist won't commit to me making it back to Bravo. You think it's 'cause they're getting ready to send me out to pasture?"
"All the time and money they're investing in this rehab plan? They're counting on you getting back in the sandbox." Brett said after flipping through the folder he had brought home after his shortened early morning PT session.
"You think so?"
"Don't roll out this VIP treatment for a mothballed frogman like me."
"What's wrong, you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?"
"I wish. Too tired to sleep." Brett grumbled.
"You have an appointment at the VA this morning." Clay said looking at the sticky note on the fridge.
"No, VA's tomorrow, Thursday the 17th."
"No, today's Thursday."
"What? Damn it." Brett rushed around, throwing all his papers back into his binder as he jumped up. "Helped hunt down Saddam Hussein. Now I can't even keep the days of the week straight."
"Come on. Let's go, man. You bust your ass, you can still make it. Let's go." Clay said, grabbing his sweater and pushing Brett out the door, "I'm going with you."
"I don't need a babysitter, man." Brett said as they got into the truck.
"I thought BUD/S was supposed to wean out all the quitters. Come on." Clay rolled his eyes.
"YODO." Brett said, "Don't blame me for ruining your day, pal."
"Did you say "YODO"? What the hell is that?" Clay asked as he shook his head.
"So much to learn." Brett told him as he followed Clay out the door.
"What's the latest on the ground out there?" Jason asked Eric.
"Damn place is a kicked hornet's nest. SIGINT's hitting everywhere, and IFM fighters are swarming the area. If they find Captain Washington, we'll be watching what they do next on LiveLeak." Eric told him.
"We're not gonna let that happen." Ray said.
"All right. Two Special Forces ODAs. We're prepping to assault the IFM compound with partner forces. That should pull most of the enemy out of the field, buy us enough time to recover his body." Eric said.
"Alpha will support Bravo Team. MARSOC will act as a blocking force. You'll have an Air Force A-10 overhead for close air support."
"Three branches for one op?" Ray asked.
"All this is to ensure that Captain Washington's sacrifice was not in vain. Alive or dead, the United States of America does not leave a soldier behind." Eric told them
"We'll bring him back." Jason said.
"Damn straight. Let's do it." Sonny said ready for the mission.
"Could you have parked any further?" Clay asked Brett as they walked towards the building.
"You bitch this much at Normandy, Grandpa?" Brett was quick to snap back.
"Nice burn. How many of your little notes you have to write down to remember that one?"
"Ooh. Oh, that was hurtful."
"And hilarious."
"You little bastard."
"Looks like you got the million-dollar wound there, brother." A homeless looking vet said as the two walked up to the clinic.
"Yeah, something like that." Clay answered.
"Hey, could you spare any of those big dollars for a hungry vet?" The man asked.
"Not now, we're late." Brett said as he pushed Clay into the building.
"That was cold." Clay said, surprised at Brett's response.
"Pay one, you got to pay them all. And I know how much you make." Brett said before looking at Clay who was looking around at the clinic. "Little different from your Rain Man suite at the military hospital."
"Yeah, they definitely leave this out of those flashy recruiting videos."
"This is a soldier's reward for serving. A healthcare system that runs like the post office." Brett said before walking over to get himself checked in.
As Clay stuck close to Brett he commented, "I, uh noticed you've been watching some of your old combat ops."
"Yeah. I just like remembering. The times, fighting side-by-side with my brothers, loving life."
"I get it, especially now."
"What does that mean Pretty Boy. You are going to make it back, will just take time. You are just a baby. Same thing would have happened to Jason...he would have been done. Navy wouldn't have even tried to fix him."
"Doubt that man...Jason's a legend." Clay said.
"Lot of hero worship you have." Brett said with a small smile. "He's different with you than he has been the rest of the guys on his team over the years."
"So I have heard." Clay mumbled.
"Not a bad thing Kid. He is training you as his replacement."
"What makes you say that?" Clay asked, first time someone had said it out loud.
"You just watch...next green team guy Bravo takes on...will be Perry's replacement."
"Why do you say that?"
"It is how the teams work. Everyone knows it. No one talks about it." Brett shrugged. "Can't play in the sandbox forever."
As Bravo made their way to the ambush site they quickly understood how what had happened, happened. It didn't make it any easier. They were down a man and they all felt very exposed and raw. Having Eric and Mandy's voices in Jason's ear was all that kept him calm. His semblance of normalcy over the years.
For the rest of Bravo, as long as Jason was on point then they were on point. They knew their jobs and they could get things done as they needed to.
Ray kept his distance from Jason, trying not to hover no matter how much he actually wanted to, if something were to happen it would be better if they weren't killed at the same time. Divide and conquer, they had a job to do.
As they searched for the ambush site in the cover of darkness Bravo Team was hard pressed to get their job done and done fast before they were spotted themselves.
"War on terror will be over before my number gets called." Brett mumbled once they were finally in chairs in the waiting room.
"We can drop a warhead from space onto a postage stamp, and this place is still on a paper system." Clay agreed.
"Number 344." The woman on the overhead speaker called and an older man slowly made his way to the front.
"These old-timers bled on the sands of Iwo Jima to defend our right to be an inefficient nation."
"My dad, uh, he used to whine about this place all the time, but I had no idea it was this grim." Clay told Brett.
"Damn forms make my head hurt." Brett told him as he looked up from the questionnaire.
"Come on. Let me see." Clay said and Brett surrendered the clipboard, "You're almost done with this PTSD questionnaire."
"You can lose the "D. " Post-traumatic stress isn't a disorder."
"All right." Clay said, not disagreeing with him. "Do you have repeated, disturbing memories, thoughts, or images of a stressful military experience?" When Brett just looked down at his hands Clay gave a sad smile knowing the answer, "Gonna put a check." Going back to the paperwork Clay asked, "Do you feel upset when something reminds you of a stressful experience?"
"You can check all those boxes, too. I'm your Ghost of Christmas Future, Clay." Brett told him.
"You got enough meds there?" Clay asked as he looked at Brett's bag.
"This is the VA's health care philosophy: medicate and isolate." Brett said with a chuckle. "This is for anxiety. These are, uh, for nightmares. Uh, mood swings. Depression. These, I, uh I don't know what they're for. My cocktail of suck." Brett told him.
"All right. Last one." Clay said looking over at Brett, "Do you blame yourself for a stressful military experience?"
With a grunt Brett stood up, "All those pills and all that water I got to hit the head." He said walking away as Clay checked the last box before pulling out his phone and texting Emma.
When Bravo Team found Washington's helmet they knew they were close. Jason quickly barked the orders for a plan and the team was quick to execute. Bravo and Alpha teams did their jobs. They were going to find their man...they were all scared as to the condition of his body even though none of them would admit it.
"Saw Jason slept some on the flight." Eric said as he stood near the wall with Mandy as they watched on ISR.
"He did." Mandy confirmed, waiting for a question.
"He talk to you before he fell asleep?"
"Didn't need to. Whole team is thinking about Adam and the kid on this one." Mandy told Eric.
"Feels like we lost Bravo when Jason lost Alana."
"That when you started to get the eyes on you?" Mandy asked, "I think it was after they lost Nate."
"That long ago?" Eric asked.
"When he started doing that thing with his hand." Mandy said imitating what she had noticed him doing whenever he got anxious.
"You noticed that too?" Eric said.
"He didn't do it until they lost Nate." Mandy said before stepping forward and pointing something out on ISR.
"You kick ass over there?" A man in a Vietnam Vet hat asked Clay as he sat there looking at Brett's folder waiting for Brett to return.
"Uh, yeah, you know, tried my best."
"Where'd your ticket get punched?"
"Philippines."
"Little young to have been in the Battle of Guadalcanal, eh?"
With a chuckle Clay asked, "What about you?"
"Que Son. September 4, 1967."
"What are you doing with yourself these days?"
"Same as everyone in here. Just waiting to die." The man told Clay as they looked up to a commotion in the entryway.
"Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey." The Guard tried to stop whatever Brett was trying to do.
"Hey, please." Brett begged.
"Just calm down."
"Please, let, let go of me, all right?"
"Calm down."
"Hey. Look, you have to search everybody in here, all right?"
"Calm, Calm down."
"Search everybody!" Brett yelled, "No, somebody took my binder!"
"Hey, hey! Swanny! Hey, Swanny. Swanny!" Clay said as he tried to make his way over to his friend.
"I had it two minutes ago!" Brett yelled again to the guard.
"Swanny, I have your binder right here, man. I got your binder." Clay said, holding it up.
"I'm s...I'm sorry. I, uh..." Brett apologized to the guard as he walked over to sit down.
"Don't mention it." The guard said with a shrug.
"I must I must have got confused. I thought I had..." Brett said.
"Come on. Here you go, brother. You good?"
"Mm-hmm." As they both took a deep breath Brett looked to Clay, "Guy's lucky I didn't drop the hammer on him, putting his hands on me like that."
"Yeah, you played that real cool." Clay smirked.
With a small laugh Brett turned to Clay, "You are some wiseass, you know that?"
"Number 398." The woman on the speaker said.
"Shrink time." Brett shrugged.
"All right. Have fun." Clay smiled.
"Hey, uh Dr. Jelly Finger I can handle solo, but these touchy these touchy-feely folks, you know, uh... You know?" Brett mumbled to Clay.
"I thought you'd never ask." Clay said, slowly standing up.
"I'm glad you're here, man." Brett told him.
As the doctor came into the room they quickly looked over Brett's file before rambling off questions, "Are you still dealing with lapses of memory?"
"Yes."
Clay watched as Brett was asked the questions in the form he had just filled out for him and grew increasingly frustrated with the obvious rush and lack of anything personal with his friends supposed care. "Intrusive thoughts? Ever consider harming yourself?" The psychiatrist asked Brett and Clay just shook his head as he saw Brett fidgeting with his hands, none of this was helpful.
"I already answered these questions in the forms." Brett told her.
"My workload doesn't offer me as much time as I'd like to review your paperwork." The doctor said with a frown.
"Swanny, she's just trying to help." Clay told Brett, frustrated for a lack of any better option.
"Do you ever consider harming yourself?"
"I have good days and bad." Brett said without fully answering the question.
"Is there a specific incident that troubles you?" The doctor asked, when Brett sat frozen she asked again, "Is there a specific incident...
"Nicky. My teammate, my best friend." Brett nodded, looking down at his hands and Clay knew that he was referring to the video he had been watching on repeat.
"What happened with Nicky?"
"Maiwand, Afghanistan. March 12, 2013."
"Can you elaborate?"
"I made the wrong call. Nick got killed. Should've been me first out that door."
"Maybe we should move on." Clay said, seeing the change in Brett as he talked about Nicky and knowing that the lady was not going to do anything to actually help him.
"Three arrests one for possession, two for assault and two stays in psychiatric wards since leaving the Navy. Are there any other recent incidents to report?" The psych doctor pointed out, something that Clay hadn't known and was certain that Jason didn't know either.
"Drunk and disorderly last month." Brett told her.
"Were you on your meds at the time? And during the other incidents?"
"No, ma'am. Meds rob life of its shine."
"You know, Brett's really been sticking to his regimen recently. We're trying to see if we can't get an EMT gig lined up, get things on track." Clay told the doctor.
"It's gonna be hard for you to find employment with your record, Mr. Swann."
"Knife's already in. Don't need to twist it."
"You're rated to have total occupational and social impairment. That's the highest level on our mental disorder scale."
"I don't have a mental disorder."
"Swann. I know this is hard for you to hear, but your psychological issues are worsening." The psychiatrist told him, having ignored everything that he was telling her. Clay had to bite his own cheek to keep from saying anything, how in the hell did she know he was worsening when she hadn't even had a conversation with the man?
"My issues are not psychological. They're physiological. Shoving more pills down my throat isn't gonna help me. I was injured. I am injured."
"I'm gonna recommend we up your dosage of paroxetine." The doctor said interrupting Brett's rant.
"Medicate and isolate." Clay mumbled, feeling the pain in the pit of his own stomach as the doc walked out, leaving the two alone in her office.
"Back to the waiting room." Brett mumbled as he got up, "YODO, YODO, YODO."
"You ever gonna tell me what that means Brother?" Clay asked him as he followed him out.
"You will learn soon enough." Brett told him.
As Bravo retrieved Washington's body chaos was erupting all around them. Their thoughts from home went out the window as one hundred percent of their focus went on not getting killed. They knew that the switch was going to come at some point but everything changed and the team started to work as a machine rather than that of a family. "I knew they would get back to it." Eric told Mandy as they listened to the chaos on comms as they watched from ISR.
"Not sure that is a positive thing." Mandy told him with a shrug.
"For the guys breathing down my back it is a good thing." Eric said. "But off the record...I am with you."
"Why didn't you tell me how serious your issues are?" Clay asked as they walked back to the waiting room.
"Well, the way the system works, the more problems you have, the better your benefits are, so, I embellish to get my fair share. I'm fine."
"You embellish those arrests and the psych ward visits, too?" Clay asked, not buying his explanation before snapping at him, "You stop taking your meds again, I'm gonna kick your ass."
"Not with that leg, you won't." Brett smirked, "Look, a couple of drinks and no meds I feel like myself again. One of the baddest men on the planet. I miss that. You do, too." Brett said, looking at Clay's leg.
"Feeling dangerous." Clay mumbled, knowing what he was talking about.
"Yeah, the problem is, I am dangerous to my wife, my friends, myself. So why not..."
"I know you didn't come here just to up your anxiety medication. What's going on, man?"
"I thought I had a horseshoe up my ass to walk away from the teams with all my my bits and pieces intact. I've come to realize that I did get dinged. I just didn't know it at the time. Unlike you, nobody knows I'm wounded since my injury's not visible."
"Traumatic brain injury?" Clay said, "Are you sure? The therapist didn't say anything about it."
"Cause it hasn't been diagnosed yet. But I know it's there. I can't say how, exactly, but I got I got rocked by a couple of IED blasts, including the one that killed Nicky."
"Why'd you hide this from me?"
"I was embarrassed, I guess." Brett shrugged, "Plus, I didn't want to scare you...How many times you had your bell rung, huh? I wouldn't change my time in the teams for anything. Even knowing this." As he sat down he continued, "War is bad for the brain, man. Emotional trauma. There's, like, a fire in my head. Having a TBI is like throwing rocket fuel onto it. Kaboom. It's a destructive combination."
"It's a lot to carry around on your own."
"Says the guy who shut himself off from the world when he got blown up." Brett said looking up at Clay, "Became SEALs 'cause we didn't know how to ring the bell, right?
"Only thing a frogman doesn't know how to do is ask for help." Clay said with a frustrated chuckle knowing that Brett was right...and knowing that things needed to change.
"All the time I spent downrange the enemy never scared me. But the enemy's in my head now. And I'm terrified, Clay."
"Dammit Brother...why didn't you ever say anything?" Clay asked, wanting to pull the man into a hug but knowing full well that Brett would never let him as he sat down next to the man, wishing Jason were there to help him...Jason always knew what to do.
"I barely knew you and you let me move into your place...then you got blown up...when would have been a good time to bring it up?" Brett asked with a shake of his head.
"I don't know Man...it's just fucked up...does anyone know?" Clay asked.
"My sister has an idea." Brett said pulling out his phone and looking at the screen for any missed messages.
"Anyone from your team?"
"Only a handful still alive." Brett shrugged. "One thing with being on the teams...we don't have is longevity."
"You want something for lunch?" Clay asked him. "Let's go down to the cafeteria and grab a bite."
By four Brett was getting antsy and it was making Clay anxious. "It's getting late. Whole day's a waste if I don't see the doctor."
"You're gonna get in. Don't worry." Clay said, before turning back to Brett's book, "So, what's the play? I know you're not showing up without a plan of action."
"Three-pronged attack. Get Dr. Wilson to diagnose the TBI, plot a course of treatment, then pray like hell something works and my brain gets unscrambled."
"I noticed you have some treatment ideas in that binder."
"Always a SEAL. Even with a busted brain, I still feel like I know better than everyone else."
"398 to the window." A man's voice called out.
"All right, I'm coming with you." Clay said, standing up and walking with Brett to the window.
"Where was this earlier? Could've saved me the humiliation of having to ask you." Brett said with a nervous smile.
"Dr. Wilson's running behind. We have to reschedule." The man behind the desk said as soon as Brett reached him.
"Well, I've-I've been waiting all day."
"How's July 29th?"
"That's two months from now." Clay said panicking. If Brett didn't get in today he knew the man would go off the deep end.
"Please. It's imperative that I see Dr. Wilson today."
"Listen, Brett's a hero, and he, he needs your help, okay? You can't just you can't just turn your back on him, man." Clay said, hoping that the man had a heart though after spending a day in the place he doubted it...the clinic felt like it was sucking his own soul out, he couldn't imagine working there.
"Do you want the 29th or not?" The man asked Brett.
Looking around Clay leaned into the man behind the counter, "Look, uh, Derek, listen, my buddy Brett he's he's a little embarrassed to say, but he is He just come back from the Amazon, and he's got a really gnarly rash." Clay said.
"What are you doing?" Brett asked.
"Rash?"
"Yeah. Right, Brett?"
"Yeah, yeah. I, I can't lie to you, sir. It's, uh it's, it's pretty gross." Brett said, catching on what Clay was doing.
"Show him the rash." Clay instructed Brett.
"You want to see it? Goes all the way up here, and..."
"Look, I think that Dr. Wilson really should take a look at this thing." Clay said.
"I'll make sure you get in." The man told Brett as Clay and Brett went back to the waiting area waiting to be called back and trying to hide their smirks.
"Pretty slick, playing the Zika card." The doctor said when Brett was finally called into the office a little after six.
"Yeah, well, team guys don't really handle "no" very well." Clay smirked.
"Compression issues with the C1 and C4 causing you much pain?" The doctor asked as he looked at Brett's X-Rays.
"Yeah, my neck's manageable, but I, uh I came here to talk about my real issue: TBI."
"I didn't see any record of traumatic brain injury." The doctor said as he looked at Brett's file on the computer.
"Well, that's because it hasn't been diagnosed yet." Clay said.
"My psychological issues are consistent with TBI. I have the, uh, physical manifestations: headaches, dizziness, ringing in my ears, insomnia, shaking hands." Brett finished.
"Uh, how do you know this was combat related?" The doctor asked.
"Brett ran thousands of spec ops. You know, tip of the spear gets exposed." Clay said.
"My bet is I suffered blast-induced neurotrauma." Brett told the doctor.
"Hmm."
"What do you think?"
"Well, I'd have to run a battery of tests before diagnosing, but your mental health issues and cognitive impairments, physical ailments and record of heavy combat certainly support the claim." The doctor told him and Clay saw an instant change in Brett's demeanor but as Brett only saw someone that was finally listening Clay knew there was a but coming and he held his breath.
"I could kiss you, Doc. Anyone ever thank you for telling them that their brain is screwed?"
"Now, slow down, Brett." The doctor tried to tell him, the part of his job he hated...there was only so much range he had working for the VA and despite how much he agreed or how much he cared about something or someone he had to stay within their prescribed lines.
"I know you have a process to follow, and I'll pass those tests with flying colors. And I-I'm willing to commit to an aggressive treatment program. Hyperbaric oxygen therapy, photobiomodulation, uh, nutraceutical supplementation, and, uh..." Brett rambled as he looked at the doctor, "I'm sorry. I just, uh It's-it's been a while since I got a break like this." Brett rambled.
"Which, uh, which treatment would you recommend?" Clay asked.
"I can't recommend any of them." The doctor told them.
"Well, fine. Whatever...whatever plan you prescribe."
"Mm. No, that's not it, Brett." The doctor said as he continued to give Brett his physical exam, "Give me a deep breath. The problem is that there's no record of your TBI."
"Yeah, well, which is which is why I'm here. To get it diagnosed and treated."
"If your wound wasn't documented while you were serving I can't treat it."
"What do you mean, documented? Why would it be documented?" Brett yelled.
"Easy, Brett." Clay said, trying to calm his friend.
"The whole point, the whole damn point is it's not a visible injury. How could I have known to report it when I didn't even understand it?" Brett said getting even louder.
Clay's anxiety grew right along with Brett's but he knew one of them had to keep a level head, "Swann, this isn't helping, man."
"So when my best friend gets vaporized by an IED, I...I should be more concerned about about reporting my headache than-than trying to save his life? Is that what you're telling me?!"
"Look, Brett dedicated his life to serving our country. You're gonna hang him out to dry over some clerical issue?" Clay asked.
"Well, it's I empathize with you, but I'm not doing anything. It's not about me. It's about the system."
"Get me an MRI. Please. Document the injury first. Then I can find someone willing to help me." Brett begged.
"I can't authori... I don't have the authority to authorize an MRI, which costs thousands of dollars. I'm sorry."
"Why you doing this to me?"
"Again, I'm not doing anything to you, Brett. I'm doing the best I can, but my hands are tied. The only course of action is to continue to treat your symptoms."
"Symptoms. Treat the symptom. Not the problem. And for me, nothing changes. More pills." Brett said, completely defeated.
As they were standing in the line at the pharmacy Brett looked like a caged animal and no matter what Clay said it was like the man did not hear him. "Hey, let's just go, huh? I can't spend another second in this place. I'm gonna wait in the truck." Brett rambled to Clay who was determined to get the medication to help the symptoms...to do anything to help his brother.
"Swann, we got,we got to get your prescription, dude. Come on. Look, I know today didn't go as planned. But you remember what you told me? It's time to buckle down for the fight, 'cause it's gonna be a fight...Right?"
"When'd I say that?" Brett asked, "You know, maybe Nicky was the lucky one. Best of us never make it back, right?"
"Come on, man, you can't think like that."
"You know, when I got out, I was determined to live a life full of purpose and meaning. I figured that'd be the best way to honor those who didn't come home. But now all I want is to is to sleep through the night without nightmares, wake up feeling normal again. I don't think that's too much to ask, right?"
"Look, all the battles you fought, dude? Come on, you're gonna have this licked in no time."
"My battles are over, man." Brett said looking down as he turned to walk back towards the parking lot.
Seeing the change in Brett he changed tactics, "Hey, Swann. Come on...Look, let's just let's just go. Let's go hit the bar. Let's go get some beers, and let's forget about today, all right?"
"Yeah. Sure. You know, you and me we would've made good teammates." Brett said with a sad smile, "YODO."
"Are you gonna tell me what that means now?" Clay asked as Brett took off towards the door.
"I'll tell you over those beers." Brett said, knowing he had once chance to do what was on his mind and he had to beat Clay to the truck.
Once Clay had Brett's meds a couple minutes later he walked out, following the same path that Swann had taken only a couple minutes before. When he saw the same Vet sitting on the curb that he had passed that morning he pulled out his wallet and handed the man some cash. "Thank you, man. Thank you. It's been my lucky day." The vet smiled at Clay, "Your boy over there just emptied out his whole wallet for me."
At that Clay's heart sank and he rushed as fast as he could, praying, wishing he was wrong, wishing he could run, going as fast as he could to the truck...in his heart knowing that things were not all right. "Swann. Hey, Swanny!" Clay yelled as he swung the door to the truck open, Brett's body falling against him and knocking him to the ground, Brett's body on top of his, gun and phone falling to the ground. "Swanny!" Clay cried as he held the man's body.
The first one to reach the commotion was the Vet they had given money to and when he saw Brett's body on top of Clay's he ran back towards the building yelling for someone to call an ambulance, but in his heart knowing it was too late for the older man. The second person to reach Clay and Brett was that same guard who had tried to stop Brett earlier that same day. As he pulled Brett's body off Clay he saw the blood, where the bullet had gone in and knew there was nothing that could be done. "You can cancel the ambo." He said into his radio and that only made Clay cry even harder as he scrambled to sit up next to Brett's body. How could the man who had pushed him through his darkest days be dead?
"Sir...are you... are you hurt?" The guard asked Clay, seeing the cane that had been long forgotten on the ground.
"No I...Swanny..." Clay said, trying to focus his breathing, "Not my blood." Clay said as he stared at Brett's lifeless body trying to focus on his breathing but when he tried to focus on his breathing he forgot how to breathe.
"Okay." The guard said as police pulled up, quickly rushing over and throwing a sheet over Brett's body.
A police officer helped Clay up and brought him over to his car, allowing him to sit in the front, "Is there someone I can call for you?" The officer asked him.
"Emma...I...I...call Emma." Clay said as he pulled out his phone, hands shaking too hard to find her number.
"May I?" The officer asked and Clay handed him the phone and watched as he hit call. Hearing the officer talk to Emma he felt the tears stream down his face.
"What do you mean Brett is dead?" Emma asked the officer who had called her from Clay's phone as she ran across her hospital to grab her keys and jacket, her supervisor hearing what she said and shooing her out the door. "Where is Clay?" She asked as she ran out of the building. As the officer told her she felt a tear slip from her eyes, "Tell him I am coming." Emma said before hanging up.
As she got in her car she called Naima, "Emma?" She answered and Emma felt relief just hearing her voice.
"Brett Swann shot himself in the heart in the parking lot of the VA Clinic. I am headed there but I didn't know if you were closer."
"Swann?" Naima asked, taking a second to realize who she was talking about.
"Clay was with him all day today...he...the officer called me because Clay couldn't..."
"I am only a few blocks away...just heard all the sirens." Naima told her.
"I am on my way. Make sure he is okay." Emma said before hanging up and turning her focus to the road.
The next thing Clay knew Naima was standing in front of him, asking him what happened, the same officer standing there with a pad of paper and a pen to take notes but Clay couldn't say anything, anytime he tried he began to hyperventilate. She quickly saw that the line of questioning was useless and quickly had the officer give them space. "She is on her way. Emma is on her way." Naima said placing his hand on Clay's shoulder, hating that the man flinched at her touch. Hearing commotion a few minutes later followed by Emma's voice screaming at the officer who was trying to hold her back she walked over and yelled, "Let her through!"
As she ran towards Clay, Naima saw genuine fear in her eyes. When she reached the young SEAL she lifted his head and physically checked him head to toe for any potential injuries before softening and he quickly leaned into her and she moved so that she was awkwardly sitting on his left knee as his right leg stuck out in front of him as he held her so tight it hurt. When Emma looked up a few minutes later she saw her and the officer standing behind her. "What happened?" Emma urged, not letting go of him as he turned his head on his shoulder knowing that they needed his statement. "I got you." Emma said, as she stroked the hair on the back of his neck.
"Brett he...he uh...today...this morning..." Clay struggled to speak.
"Brett forgot his appointment this morning, and when you saw his reminder you came with him since you had the day off from rehab." Emma said. "He met with a psychologist this morning and the appointment didn't go so well."
"The doctor she uh...she just increased his meds...but he said...he said he had good days and bad...when she...when she asked if he had thoughts of harming himself." Clay told Emma as the officer took notes.
"After that appointment he had another one...one with a medical doctor." Emma said, trying to piece together what had happened in the last ninety minutes since he had told her they were going in to talk with the doctor.
"Swann...Swanny was trying to get him...trying to get him to say he had a TBI...that his stuff was from a TBI from the blast that killed Nicky...but...it wasn't documented so he...he...the doctor couldn't do anything." Clay said, holding tight to Emma and breathing in and out when she did her over exaggerated breathing.
"Then you were waiting in the pharmacy for the medicine, what happened there?" The officer asked.
When Clay didn't respond Emma hugged him tighter seeing the pharmacy bag still clenched in his hand, "You got his medicine for him from the pharmacy." Emma urged him to answer the officer.
"He uh...he didn't want to stay in there...said he would wait in the truck...told me he would tell me what YODO meant over beers tonight..." Clay said looking up at Emma, his eyes begging for forgiveness.
"YODO?" Emma asked.
"You only...you only die once." Clay told her.
"Oh God." Emma mumbled, looking up at Naima. "You didn't know." She said, looking back to Clay and putting her hands on his cheeks. "You didn't know...you were here with him, trying to help him...you cannot blame yourself."
"Can we get him home?" Naima quickly asked the officer.
"How long was he out here before you came out?" The officer asked.
"Clay?" Naima asked gently.
"He started walking out and I uh...I grabbed his meds and then went out...but my leg...I..."
"Clay did you see the flash?" Emma asked him, knowing that was really what the officer was asking.
"No...no I uh...when I got to the truck I didn't see him sitting and when I opened the door he fell...he was gone." Clay said lifting his head. "His sister...I need to call her."
"His family is being notified." Naima said with a nod as she looked up from her phone.
"I should have...I should have seen it...he has been watching...all week...the video from when Nicky was killed...I knew something was wrong but I..."
"You went with him to his appointments today, stayed with him...Spencer you did what you could." Naima said. "You made it so he wasn't alone."
"He told me...this morning...when he said YODO the first time...he said don't blame me when I ruin your day...he...the doctor...if the doctor would have ordered the MRI he would still be alive...that was his last hope." Clay said as he started to shake.
Knowing how Clay had reacted to coming down from adrenaline in the past wanted to get him home before that happened, "Can you walk?" Emma asked Clay as the officer handed him the cane. When Clay nodded he looked up at Emma but she already knew what he was going to say, "We are going to my house. I am parked right there." She said pointing to her car.
"I...I'm sorry." Clay said, looking to Naima and the officer. "I'm sorry."
"Not your fault." The officer said as Clay shakily stood up leaning heavily on Emma. The older man watched as Emma took his cane from him as she wrapped her arm around his waist as she led him to her car.
"She is awfully young to be his girl." The officer commented to Naima as she led Clay to her car.
Seeing Emma shake her head and she smirked, "Her Father is his commanding officer. They are forward deployed."
"Oh." Emma heard the officer mumble as the two followed behind.
"You call me if you have anymore questions. I will get you whatever answers I can but what he told you, I do not think you will need anymore." Naimi said before walking towards Emma's truck as she was putting the seat belt around Clay. "I will bring food over, we will call the boys together from your house."
"Yeah, okay." Emma said, not even thinking about her Father and the team and what this would do to them, she just wanted to get Clay somewhere that he felt safe.
"We can't lose anyone else." Sonny mumbled as they got off the helo, Washington's body on the gurney being carried into the hanger by his team.
"We did our job today. Washington's family is able to bring him home." Jason said, still sticking close to Sonny. It hadn't gone unnoticed that Jason had kept his arm on Sonny the entire flight back, the same way Jason and Clay had done the day that their helo had gone down.
Jason laid Washington's helmet on his body and nodded to his superior officer before leading Bravo out of the hanger. They didn't go to the bar, instead they went back to their quarters, all sitting or laying down on their beds, it was too much, too heavy. When Jason saw his phone buzz he pulled it out. Emma's picture is what showed up and he sighed before letting it go to voicemail. Clay's phone was next and again he sighed and let it go to voicemail, he figured the two were together and just wanted to tell him the new rehab schedule and talk about the recital.
"Who's trying to call you?" Sonny asked and Jason just shook his head.
When Emma called again not three seconds later Jason slid his phone across his bed, "Kids."
"Why don't you answer it then?" Sonny asked.
"Not in the mood." Jason grumbled.
"Yeah...I don't know Man, might be kinda nice to have a reenactment of her recital after the last couple days." Sonny told him.
"You call them back then." Jason snapped as he threw his phone to Sonny. "I'm beat. Get some sleep." He said as he laid down on the bed despite the fact that it was mid morning where they were.
"He didn't answer." Emma mumbled. "They must be in the field still."
"Yeah." Naima said, moving to sit down at the kitchen island. "Emma are you okay with...?"
"I am always good with spending time with Clay." Emma said, squeezing Clay's shoulder as she sat down on the couch next to him.
When he felt her touch he let his hand fall to the side of his leg. Naima watched as Emma reached down and put her hand over his, "Yeah." She said standing up slowly. "I will be back in the morning with breakfast for the two of you and we can try calling again."
"Thank you." Emma gave her a sad smile, 'Thank you for making sure that he was okay."
"Thank you for taking care of your father's team." Naima told her as she let himself out.
As soon as Clay was alone with Emma he stood up and went upstairs and got into the shower. Knowing Clay as well as she did she went to her parents bedroom and grabbed a pair of her dad's gym shorts and a shirt and brought them up to the bathroom. Letting herself into the bathroom she hopped up onto the counter, "I don't need a babysitter." Clay mumbled from the other side of the curtain.
"I'm not going to let you shut me out jackass."
"I am fine."
"You are a bad liar."
"Emma I am fine."
"Clay you are full of shit." Emma shook her head. "Get your ass out of the shower and talk to me."
"I need to get his blood off." Clay finally mumbled and Emma reached down to look at the clothes that Clay had left on the floor.
"There isn't any blood on your clothes." Emma pointed out, the only thing that had gotten blood on it had been his hoodie and he had shed that before she had gotten to the VA Clinic.
"It is there." Clay said, voice choking and Emma knew he was crying.
"In your head or on your body?" Emma asked, climbing down from the counter and walking over to the shower curtain. When she heard a sob she shook her head, "Will you let me help you?"
"I don't want to need you." Clay said as she heard him sink down into the tub.
"You think that makes a difference?"
"He shouldn't be gone." Clay mumbled.
"Yeah well he is and I am here with you. Will you let me help you?" Emma asked him.
"Help with what?" Clay asked through the curtain.
"Getting the blood off." Emma told him.
"It's in my head...you said so." Clay mumbled.
"Then dry off and put on clean clothes." Emma said as she tossed a towel over the curtain.
"I should have stopped it."
"Did you know that is what he was going to do?" Emma asked him as he shut the water off.
"I should have." He said as he pulled the towel off the bar.
"Did you know that he had a gun in the truck?" Emma asked, standing up in case he slipped and she could help grab him.
"No." He said as he pulled the shower curtain open, towel wrapped loosely around his waist.
As she held out her hand for him to balance himself with as he climbed out of the tub she asked him, "Did you know he wanted to end his life?"
Looking at her he shook his head, "I knew he wanted to stop his pain."
"That isn't the same thing."
"The guys are going to blame me."
"What?" Emma asked, "That is crazy."
"I was here...they aren't."
"They aren't going to blame you." Emma told him as she threw the shorts at him before turning around and crossing her arms, "Literally ridiculous to think they are going to blame you."
"Leg hurts." Clay told her as he reached around her and pulled the shirt off the counter.
"Your leg?"
"Yeah...Falling...and he was on me...I just...he was dead."
"Come with me?" Emma said, turning around to face him. "I got you. Okay?"
"Promise?" Clay whispered, leaning against the doorframe.
"I ever lie to you?" Emma smiled, looking up at him.
"I just...Emma I should have seen it."
"Go would you?" Emma said as she reached to his side to turn the knob. When he just froze, staring at her she smiled at him. "You did what you could with the knowledge that you had at the time. Now we know better and our knowledge has been increased for the future."
"I should have seen it."
"You did." Emma told him as she pushed him out of the bathroom and across the hall to her room. "You saw that he was struggling so you went with him to the doctor. You saw that he shouldn't be alone so you went into the appointments with him. You got him lunch so he ate something. You waited at the pharmacy to get his medicine because the doctors told you that it would help...Clay you saw it and you did what you could. You had no idea there was a gun in the truck." As he sat down on her bed she nodded for him to lay down. "Let me see your leg." She said as she sat down next to him, massaging the sore muscles in his scarred leg.
"I think it is worse because when I was in the hospital...I thought about doing the same thing...if they told me I couldn't make it back I mean." Clay told her.
"I know." Emma mumbled, fighting her own tears, "Hard to see a future you never imagined."
"You knew?" Clay asked.
"Clay I work in the rehab unit of the naval hospital."
"You never asked me if I wanted to kill myself."
"I didn't need to. You were in a hospital with eyes on you around the clock."
"Still felt like it at home too." Clay admitted to her.
"And were you ever alone?"
After thinking about it for a minute he got tears in his eyes and looked at Emma, "No...Swanny was there if you weren't."
"We do what we can for the people we care about...what happened Clay...Brett dying...that was not your fault."
"Then whose fault is it?"
"Why does it have to be anyone's fault?" Emma asked and when she saw the questioning in his eyes she continued, "Sometimes everyone can do everything perfectly and shit still goes sideways." She reminded him, "How many times did you guys practice that mission when your helo was shot down? How many simulations do you run in a year? What happened today, Brett ending his life...it is basically a heart attack for his brain. Would you be blaming yourself if he would have had a heart attack?"
"No, but..." Clay started.
"Suicide is the worst case side effect from depression, anxiety and PTS."
"PTSD?"
"Post Traumatic Stress is not a disorder." Emma told him, squeezing his leg hard enough to bring his focus to her.
Reaching forward Clay pulled Emma towards him, "It hardly even seems real." When Emma laid down next to him, starting the movie in the background and turning off the light he looked at her, "I felt his weight on me...I saw the hole in his chest. I know he is dead...but he can't be gone."
"You still feel that way about Brian, I feel that way about my mom...we both get that feeling with Adam..."
"It sucks." Clay told her.
"Yes it does." Emma said, fighting her own tears. She had known Brett basically her entire life...though the last few years he hadn't been around much.
"Oh my God...you grew up with him." Clay said, rolling to face her, "And I just...God Emma..."
"Clay anytime anything happens you call me...that was the deal that we made in California. That doesn't change just because I knew who it happened to...we kinda know all the same people."
"I just feel...I feel guilty."
"I know." Emma told him, scooting so her side was in his chest.
"It hurts." Clay said quietly.
"I know." Emma said as she curled herself into him. "It is okay to feel everything that you are feeling." She told him knowing that this time he wasn't just talking about his leg.
As Jason was sitting in the their quarters as the rest of Bravo got ready for bed he saw his phone ring and reached for it to see Emma's face on the screen. Leaning back on his bed he hit the button to answer. Seeing not only Emma's face but also Clay and Naima he immediately felt his stomach drop, "What's wrong?" Jason asked. The rest of Bravo sitting up and walking toward their team leader.
"Daddy." Emma said with a shaky voice as she saw the cuts on her father's face and she felt as Clay leaned himself onto her seeing the same thing.
"Tell me it isn't the Kid." Sonny mumbled as he leaned over and saw the way Clay was sitting next to Emma.
"It is Swanny." Emma said as she took a shaky breath. "He killed himself...Clay was with him at the VA Clinic all day yesterday and..."
"I'm sorry Jace." Clay said, turning his head so he could see the phone, "I...I'm sorry."
"Are you hurt?" Jason asked, not wanting to believe what they were telling him.
"Clay is fine. He fell to the ground when he caught Brett's body but did not do any damage to his legs. Jason, Brett died by suicide in the parking lot of the VA Clinic last evening." Naima told them, frowning slightly when she saw Ray in the background.
"How?" Sonny asked with a shaky voice.
"Gun he kept in the glovebox." Emma told them.
"When the doctor said he couldn't help...I should have seen...I knew something was wrong and I tried..." Clay said before being cut off by Naima.
"Brett Swann shot himself in the heart Jason. Clay found him in his truck when he caught up to him." Naima said before Clay could say anything more about the guilt he felt or blame that he didn't do enough.
"What can we do?" Jason asked.
"You are forward deployed...Jason...I...Clay called Emma." Naima said, an attempt at an apology, like he shouldn't be calling her even though she knew that their relationship was different and that was exactly what the team would have wanted him to do.
"That is what he should have done." Jason, Sonny and all of Bravo Team said in unison.
"We are fine here." Emma said, "Sad...but fine. Just, just make sure you stay safe...okay?"
"You call if you need anything." Ray said, walking over and squeezing Jason's shoulder, ignoring the fact that he hadn't spoken to his wife in almost a week and knowing that she could see him, "Hey Clay?"
"Yeah?" Clay asked, looking up at the phone.
"We love you Brother." Ray told him before hanging up the call before Jason dropped his phone as he saw Sonny begin to lose it.
Reached over the man grabbed a pillow, promptly tearing it in half before punching the mattress, Jason pulling him into his side and holding him until he stopped trying to fight his way out of his grasp. "Twenty two...fucking twenty two a day...why didn't the doctors do anything?" Sonny yelled as tears fell from his eyes.
"We all failed him." Jason mumbled as a tear slipped down his cheek. "Kid was with him...at least he wasn't alone."
"Who wasn't alone?" Eric asked, walking in and immediately knowing something was wrong.
"Brett Swann uh, Swanny took his life." Ray said as Jason held Sonny.
"Shit." Eric said, sinking down onto the closest bed.
"Kid was there. Emma has him now." Jason told him.
"At his apartment?" Eric asked, he knew that Brett had been staying with Clay.
"Parking lot of the VA." Jason told the man.
"No...I mean where are they now?" Eric asked.
"My house." Jason answered. "Someone call Harrington and let him know what is going on...I'm sure this is going to fuck with the kids head."
"You are sure the two of you are okay?" Naima asked Emma for the fifth time as she put her jacket on.
"We are fine." Emma said, standing up and giving her a hug, "Can you let his rehab team know what happened? He is suppose to start his new schedule tomorrow but...we may need to modify it."
"You are so much like your Mother, you know that?" She smiled as she bent down to kiss the top of her head, "You call if you need anything."
"Just make sure that they know he isn't giving up...just...with what happened...tomorrow is going to be hard for him." Emma said, looking over to where Clay was laying down on the couch.
"His spot is safe...your dad would sooner give up his own place than fill his." Naima smiled at her. "He will make it back. Just make sure he finds his way back with his heart intact."
Clay bolted up as Emma shut the door behind her waking him up from his restless dozing, "Naima just left. Just us now." Emma told him with a sad smile.
"I...I failed him." Clay told her as he sat up, "When he needed me the most I just let him walk out the door and now he is dead."
Sitting down next to him Emma asked, "What can I do to make sure that never happens to you or to my dad or anyone else we know?"
"You really scared that will happen?" Clay asked her.
"Until you called the guys...yeah...the idea terrified me...and my Dad...if anything ever pushes him out...it happens a lot so it is a legit fear...every 65 minutes someone..."
"I know the statistics." Clay mumbled. "I didn't know you were scared that we...I just..."
"How do we move forward?" Emma asked, leaning back on the couch, Clay leaning back with her and putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side.
"I promise if I ever...I will call you." Clay told her. "And...I did get there in the hospital...but your voice...it was like my flashlight to find my way back."
"The way you talk sometimes it is...you read a lot." Emma smiled as she hugged him.
"I should call Brett's sister." Clay mumbled, pulling out Brett's phone from his pocket.
"They give that to you?" Emma asked.
"Yeah...he recorded it...the last...Emma it is on video."
"You watch it?" Emma asked.
"No. I heard the officer watching it before you got there."
"Oh."
"I need to call his sister."
"You want me to give you space?" Emma asked him leaning forward.
"No!" Clay said as he pulled her back into his side.
"Okay." Emma said, barely above a whisper as she turned, tucking her legs underneath her and hugging herself to his left arm.
Dialing the number Clay looked at Emma and took a deep shaky breath, "Hi..."
"What do you mean they are waiting to have the funeral until we can go home? It should be we get to go home for the funeral!" Jason yelled at Eric a week later when they still didn't have their orders to go stateside.
"Swann was not active duty. He did not die of injuries sustained in combat. The only family he has is his sister and she told Harrington herself that she wanted Bravo there even if that meant pushing back the date to the end of your deployment." Eric explained.
"That is bullshit and you know it." Jason said, slamming his hand into the wall.
"Clay has been cleared to do his rehab on base now?" Eric asked, hoping that would bring Jason out of his mood.
"And we are not there to work out with him." Jason snapped back. "He shouldn't be doing it alone so if that was your attempt to make me feel better about being stuck in this hell hole you have lost your mind."
"Do you want me to be your friend or your commanding officer right now?" Eric asked as he crossed his arms, leaning against the wall.
"Does it make a difference?" Jason asked, sinking against the wall next to him.
"As your commanding officer I should remind you that I am your commanding officer and the way you are talking..."
"What's your point Eric?"
"As your friend I am worried about you...and I want to go home just as bad as you do."
"My kids are home alone and really struggling right now."
"We are all ready to go home." Eric said as he leaned against the wall next to him. "At least you have the boys."
"What does that mean?" Jason asked, snapping his head to the side.
"You can talk to the boys. As your commanding officer..."
"It's different." Jason mumbled.
"How many more friends do we have to lose before something changes?" Eric asked.
"You close to Brett?" Jason asked.
"He used to be a bigger pain in my ass than you are now." Eric told him as he wiped a tear from his eye. "I need to get back to work." He said quickly before walking off and leaving Jason by himself.
"We are going to your apartment today." Emma said as she sat at the kitchen counter with Clay eating the dinner that she had made.
"Okay." Clay said without looking up.
"Okay?" Emma asked.
"I can't avoid the place forever." Clay shrugged.
"Okay." She smiled.
An hour later the two were standing outside of the apartment door, "I didn't think it would be this hard."
"Swanny was your friend." Emma said putting her hand on his back, "Now or never?"
Clay put the key in the lock and turned and found the apartment exactly as they had left it. The TV still on, image frozen on the clip he knew was of Nicky dying. Pill bottles on the table, sticky notes all over. "How did I not see..." Clay said as he started stacking the notes.
"That's just it though...you did see he was struggling and you took him to the clinic and stayed with him all day so he didn't have to be alone."
"A lot of good it did."
"I am going to start your laundry." Emma said as she stripped Clay's bed and put fresh sheets on. Walking into the bathroom she found a disaster and shook her head. As she cleaned she popped her head out to see what Clay was doing and he was still sorting and collecting all of the sticky notes. When the washer finished she switched the laundry and threw in all the clothes that had been piled in the bathroom. When she came out she saw him sitting with the laptop on his lap and tears on his face, walking over and sitting down next to him she saw Brett's face on the screen.
"One everyday for over two years...some are a few seconds some are a few minutes. He kept a video journal of his...of his fight."
"You looking for answers?" Emma asked.
"No...I know what killed him...he deserved better...Navy failed him." Clay mumbled.
"TBI?" Emma asked.
"From the blast that killed Nicky...one that he got discharged after...only he wasn't discharged for a TBI he was discharged for a compression fracture in his neck and hearing loss...the list got longer the more symptoms came up but TBI was never one of the things documented."
"Is it documented for you guys after the helo crash?"
"Concussion. Yeah... I guess...last couple years it hasn't been an automatic out so they are starting to track it if the concussions are bad enough to require medical attention."
"How are you doing?" Emma asked after a couple minutes of silence.
"I feel like I failed him." Clay shrugged. "Why am I worth all the rehab and cost when he wasn't even worth getting an MRI?"
"You can't compare stuff like that." Emma told him.
"Do you know how many MRI's I have had since I was blown to shit?" Clay asked her, "If they would have done ONE then he would probably still be alive."
"You don't know that." Emma told him.
"I do though...when the doc agreed with him...you should have seen his face...but the doc wasn't authorized to order the test..."
"If he would have gotten the MRI and it was inconclusive or didn't show anything what would he have done?" Emma asked, "There are too many what if's and you can't start asking them...what you can do is work to make sure that this kind of thing doesn't happen to anyone else."
"What do you mean?" Clay asked her.
"Well, they are doing an autopsy...so they should find the TBI in that...right?"
"Yeah?"
"So that would prove that he was right...and they can use that for research for head injuries or whatever...that is why he donated his body to science."
"It wasn't enough to save him though."
"No but if losing Swanny can save other people then it is something...I mean...we can't bring anyone back from the dead but we can use the loss of the people we love to live with even more purpose...right?" Emma asked.
Clay closed the laptop and put his hand on Emma's, "That is what I told you after you lost your Mom."
"It is." Emma said with a sad smile.
"I just don't know what to do." Clay told her.
"Well, you should get some sleep tonight." Emma shrugged as she got up to switch the laundry again. "You able to drive your car yet?"
"Haven't tried."
"I will drop you off on base before I head to work then."
"How do you know I am cleared to go on base now?"
"Really?" Emma smirked, "How do I know?" Holding up her phone on an email with his newest rehab plan.
"I forgot you get copies of those." Clay smiled.
"You excited to be back on base?"
"Little nervous, but yeah."
"I still have my unlimited Clay Spencer Pass from Harrington. I can go with you."
"Can I be selfish tonight?" Clay asked as he walked over to the dryer and helped her fold the clothes that she had washed, his and Brett's all in the same load and he grabbed Brett's sweater and held it in his hands.
"Swanny's?" Emma asked.
"Yeah." Clay said, finally setting it down on top of the dryer.
"Come on." Emma said as she threw the last of the wet clothes into the dryer. "Go get ready for bed."
"Will you stay tonight?" Clay asked her.
"I still have a bag here?" Emma asked.
"In the closet." Clay said as he walked into the bathroom.
"I will stay if I can wear your sweats." Emma smiled.
"They are in your bag." Clay smiled at her. She had worn them pretty much every night she had stayed with him in the hospital.
Once they were both laying down in bed Emma turned to Clay, "You want to call Dad?" She asked him and he nodded. Reaching over to the side table she pulled out the tablet and not thirty seconds later Sonny's face was on the screen."
"Well looky here." Sonny smiled when he saw Clay and Emma's faces on the screen.
"How are you guys doing?" Emma asked.
"We are doing." Sonny said, getting up and walking out of the room. "Jace is up in the gym." Sonny told him, "Pretty much non stop...he is having trouble sleepin."
"Figured as much. He blaming himself for Swanny?" Emma asked Sonny.
"More that you were there when he did it." Sonny shrugged as he walked and Clay felt Emma lace her fingers into his. "You start your new rehab plan in the morning don't you Blondzilla?"
"I do." Clay smiled, "Little nervous...but I am cleared enough to be back on base to workout so that is something."
"You call me from the treadmill I will run with you." Sonny grinned.
"Won't be running for a while Sunshine. Still can't walk without the cane."
"Whatever Grandpa. You aren't even suppose to be out of the hospital yet according to your file."
"What do you know about my file?"
"I just told you." Sonny smirked. "Says you are still supposed to be in the hospital having your baby chest waxed by the nurses."
"That so?" Emma smirked, "Miss you Sonny."
"Jace." Sonny said as he passed the tablet to her Dad.
"You stink." Emma smiled as she saw her Dad's face.
"Everything okay?" Jason asked.
"Just missed you guys." Clay said, struggling to smile. He could see the look on Jason's face and he had seen it before. "You guys get a date to come home yet?"
"Same one we had when we left...unlike you who gets to move your dates we are apparently stuck on ours."
"Move my dates?"
"Alpha is going to be joining you in the gym in the morning." Jason smiled.
"I thought they were with you?"
"They got sent out to get Washington. Back home now until the next roll out." Jason shrugged. "We sent something home with them, they should have it with them tomorrow."
"That so?" Emma smiled.
"Not the only ones missing someone." Jason winked before giving a small smile, "Love you two."
"Love you too." Clay and Emma said in unison and he felt her squeeze his hand.
"Take care of each other." Jason said, "We're buzzing."
"Stay safe." Emma told him before he hung up. When Clay didn't relax his hand Emma turned to face him, "You hate that they are going out without you."
"Am I suppose to like it?"
"No...you are too much like my dad though and sometimes it freaks me out."
"Why?"
"Person I am closest to is basically a younger version of my dad...gee I wonder why that freaks me out."
"We aren't your parents." Clay smirked at her.
"Clearly...if we were I would have been knocked up by now." Emma smirked back.
"You are my best friend too." Clay smiled, "Just don't tell Sonny I said so."