Nobody had any idea it was coming or why it happened.

Iris graduated from college and split up with Colton. It was out of the blue. She took a job in upstate New York; it was a twelve-month contract and before they knew it she was gone. It left everyone reeling and Iris refused to talk about it. Within three months it was all over.

"Bug, what's going on?" Mae had been surprised when she came over to spend the day with Pops and he told her that Colton had moved out. She cornered Iris the moment she came in.

"Nothing."

"Where's Colton?"

"At home I guess." She shrugged. She didn't want to talk about it. It hadn't been an easy decision but something that Iris felt she had to do. The job was too good an opportunity to turn down and she wanted to give it her all.

Colton panicked and wanted to tie her down. He couldn't leave Chicago; he just got a promotion and was also studying again. He suggested they get engaged before she left and Iris had baulked and that had been a slap in the face for him. They were too young and the past few months, since Xavier had turned up had been a bit rough for them. Since he'd finally been charged and sentenced it had crumbled rapidly. Trying to find a balance again was challenging because Colton wanted to protect her and Iris felt like she was being smothered.

Hurt and confused he decided to move out and even though Iris suggested long distance he thought they needed a complete break; he was hurt that she had turned him down despite Iris insisting that she loved him but the timing wasn't right. It had broken both their hearts; they didn't want this but they were stubborn and nobody wanted to make the first move or compromise.

He told her she needed to figure out what she wanted and the thing was Iris wanted it all. Life wasn't like that though and she did the only thing she thought was right, she took the job and in the process destroyed the one good thing she had.

Mae shook her head. "This makes no sense."

"He didn't want me to take the job and he wouldn't move for me."

"Why not?"

"Because he just got a promotion, his work is paying for his study and that's what is best for him." They had tried to work it out, and even the decision to see other people if they wanted too had been like a kick in the guts but they were young, they had time on their side. It was still heartbreaking and they were both miserable. "This job is good for me. It's a year."

"So that's it? Do you still love him?"

"Oh god yes."

"Then why?"

"Back off Mae, we've made our decision, we are okay with it." She didn't tell Mae that Colton had proposed to her, she knew he did it because he was scared of losing her, he wasn't ready to get married, neither of them were. Iris thought he was just trying to control her and she couldn't get that out of her head. She didn't need to be controlled she needed to be loved.

"Are you sure?"

"No I'm not sure…" Her voice shook a little and Mae noticed it despite Iris trying to cover it up. "…but right now this is what we are doing. I guess we will find out soon enough." Iris was having second thoughts but Colton had cut off all communication with her, it was easier for him that way. He was devastated and angry; he'd done everything she'd asked him to do and it still felt like it wasn't enough.

The first two weeks were rough until Iris moved and they got a bit of space between them. She did call him before she left and he asked her to spend the night with him, they booked at hotel and it was a passionate goodbye. Iris left in tears the next morning, lingering on her goodbye until there was nothing more to say. It wasn't the smartest thing they did but it felt right at the time, it was the next day, week and months that it made them feel like utter shit. Maybe they would never be able to put each other in their past, but they felt like they had to try.

Her first week away she cried every night. She missed her family; she was unsettled in a strange place and she missed Colton and the security he always gave her. He was her safe place and now she was without that anchor. She struggled to make friends initially but gradually came out of her dark hole and started to live a little.

One person who was not unhappy was Marchella, lovingly telling her struggling and heartbroken son that she 'never really liked her anyway.' He didn't talk to her for two months after that comment. He just didn't understand the why his mother was so horrible to Iris, she had done nothing but try to get along with his family.

She came back once, when Lola gave birth. They had always planned that Iris would come back for the birth but Lola went into labour two weeks early and Iris couldn't get away. It was a kick in the guts to meet her little nephew via a video call. He was two weeks old when she flew home for two days to see her family and she fell in love with little William, or Billy as he was known. He was a perfect little bundle of love and the spitting image of his brother, Sam and it made Iris miss her family even more.

Iris had contemplated contacting Colton hoping for another night like the one before she left but would be heartbroken if he rejected her call. It was easier to handle not knowing if he would ignore her call rather than live with the knowledge that he had and it was really over and he wanted nothing to do with her. Her heart was barely scabbed over, ripping it open again wasn't good for anyone.

Lola did tell her that Colton stopped by the house and met Billy and gave her a really sweet present and Sam loved seeing him. Iris didn't know if that made her feel better or worse. He was still just there, so close and yet so far.

Iris compared every guy she met to Colton and James was a nice guy and he was nothing like Colton. He was shorter than he was, not as lean and was a lot more outgoing, he was an electrician and had his own business. They met at a corporate charity golf day which Iris had been dragged into. She didn't love golf; it was kind of boring but it was a nice way to meet some new people. Her first few months in Albany had been a struggle, learning a new job, meeting new people and settling into her small apartment. It was her first job straight out of college and she knew she was lucky to get the opportunity. Being who she was meant that she would give it everything she had, that was in her DNA.

James was polite, he helped her out with her shocking golf swing and they did have a good laugh that day but it still took her two weeks to agree to see him again. It was too soon. She had to put herself out there again, even if it was just to meet new friends. Iris couldn't relax though, even from her first date she had started to worry about when he would want more. He made it quite obvious he didn't want to be in the friend zone and that's where Iris put him.

Gradually he wore her down and she did enjoy spending time with him. Every now and then though things knocked her backwards. James invited her to a birthday party for his best friend's girlfriend. Iris was hoping to hide in plain sight a little bit, she could be whoever she wanted to be and nobody knew her. What worried her though was that James was starting to want more from her. He told her it was casual and to bring her swimmers. Iris panicked a little, she knew he wanted to sleep with her and being nearly naked wouldn't help her cause. She eventually bought herself a one piece but it didn't actually cover her tattoo completely and she was hoping that he wouldn't ask about it.

One thing Iris hadn't told him was much about her family. He knew she had three sisters and a brother and she often talked about Sam, Poppy and Billy and how much she missed her nephews and niece. She hated that Billy was so small and she was missing out on his little life, he was racing through his first few months of life and changing constantly and she was missing it all. Lola sent her photos and videos all the time and she facetimed them on a Sunday night but it wasn't the same.

Surprisingly James either didn't bother to check her out or if he did he said nothing. Iris told him she didn't use social media and often talked about Gus and Rhiannon and he assumed that they were her parents. Iris didn't bother to correct him and just wasn't ready to let him too far in. She was scared, plain and simple. And that told her everything she needed to know, she wanted to tell Colton about her family and had spilled the beans very early because she trusted him and felt some immediate connection to him, now she was desperate to avoid it. She was trying to force things and it wasn't working.

Her heart had been broken and she had no idea how to fix it. Walking away from Colton had been a mistake but her pride didn't let her go back, not yet. If he was doing well and moving on it wasn't fair to drag him back just because she couldn't do the same and the issue remained the same, he was back home and unable to leave and she was hours away trying to find her way in her first real job.

"I wasn't expecting that." He tickled her side when she took her top off ready to go for a swim and he saw part of her tattoo.

"Why would you?" Iris was even surprised by the shortness of her reply.

"Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I just forget I have it sometimes." She lied.

"What does it mean?"

"Not much, just like it." Iris jumped in the pool, she needed not to talk about it. She missed them just as much as she missed Colton. "You coming in?" she did feel guilty and she did like him but letting him in was a bridge too far.

When Iris relaxed she had to admit that James made her laugh, they mucked around and Iris let him grab her around the waist and pull her in for a kiss. "You confuse me."

"Why?"

"I don't know what you want from me."

"Why does it have to be anything?" Iris pushed him away. "It always has to be something."

"Hey Iris, I like you. I thought we were enjoying ourselves; can we just do that?" He was annoyed. "It's a party after all."

"Sorry."

Later that night, after they'd all had a few drinks he sat outside with Iris and tried to break down her walls. "I saw a look on your face when you mentioned that tattoo, why don't you want to talk about it? It's more than you just like it, I can tell."

"I never said I didn't want to talk about it. It's nothing really." She stared at him for a while. "It's my family, my sister's and brother." That's all she felt like telling him and she knew that was wrong but she pushed on. James looked happy and that made her feel bad. "It's four animals, one for each of us. A Leopard, Rhino, Giraffe and Wombat."

"Which one are you?"

"Guess?"

"Giraffe."

"Why? What makes you say that?"

"Beautiful, graceful, calm."

Iris actually laughed, she had such a beautiful laugh and it made him smile. "I'm the wombat, short fat and hairy."

James snorted. "So not like you."

Little by little she was letting him in but sharing it with him wasn't the same as when she shared it with Colton. "I was born in Australia."

"Really? I never would have guessed."

"I left when I was three." Iris had enough of the conversation. "So, you want another swim?" They had been sitting outside around the pool where it was quiet, it was dark now and Iris hoped that the alcohol and darkness might make her feel less anxious.

"Skinny dip?" James asked hopefully.

"Yeah, nah not happening." They did however make out a little, it was as far as Iris let him go and she did try and ignore those nagging thoughts in her head that these were not the hands she wanted touching her. She stopped him quickly when he wanted to slide his hands down the back of her swimmers and he didn't complain. Iris gave him boundaries and he respected them. When he pulled her close though he made it very clear that he was happy to be here with her.

She had jumped into bed so quickly with Colton, not for any reason other than they were young and carefree and she wanted to sleep with him. He turned her on very quickly and she was besotted with him. The love followed soon after.

James had to work hard to get a reaction from Iris and eventually she felt comfortable enough to go home with him. He was patient with her, he was sweet and Iris hated it and felt guilty for leading him on. It felt all wrong but she pushed through thinking that if she broke the seal it would all be okay. Several times he asked her if she wanted to stop but Iris kept pushing on. He tried to ignore her lack of enthusiasm and stayed in bed for a while when he felt her get out. He was waiting to hear the door close behind her but she didn't leave and he found her staring out the window.

Iris jumped when she felt his hand on her back. "You okay?"

"Yep. Sorry did I wake you?"

"Well, yes. I thought you'd gone." He kissed her shoulder. "I'm worried about you."

"Let's go back to bed." Iris forced herself to go back to bed. If they stayed out here he'd want to talk. "I need sleep."

"Sleep?"

"Yes, sleep." It was the best Iris could do and she did like having someone's arms around her as long as she could forget who it was. It wasn't fair to him and it was all she could do not to cry. As soon as she woke she scrambled out of bed, the fear that he'd want to have sex again propelled her into the shower where she knew she was hiding and hoping that he wasn't going to want to join her.

James made her breakfast and then called her out. "This is not what you wanted to happen was it?"

"What?" Iris stared at him for a moment and his gaze was steady and steely. She couldn't lie, to him or to herself. "I thought I was ready, but I am not."

"Ready for what?"

"All this."

"What someone to care about you and want to spend time with you?" James was angry. "It's not a fucking sin. You are making me feel like I forced you into this, you could have said no, you'd done it plenty of times before."

"I know. I'm sorry. I wanted to like it, I really did. This is all my fault." Iris ran her hands over her face. "It's been a really tough year." It all came rushing out and she felt like shit. It was gutless, she should have been honest with him from the start. This felt like a copout. "I was stalked by a guy, for a few months and he ended up drugging me in a bar one night. It was intense and it put a lot of strain on my relationship. I'd been with my partner for two years. I didn't handle the pressure very well, neither of us did and then this job came up and we called it quits and I came here and I am trying to move on from him but it's harder than I thought. I'm like this walking fucking sack of misery and I hate it. I hate that I made you feel like shit."

"Why didn't you tell me? I feel like a dick for pushing you into this."

"I needed it, I needed someone to push me because I would have just wallowed. I miss my family, like they are my whole life."

"Is that why they are tattooed on your side?"

"They are tattooed on my side because my sisters and brother are all I have. They are all I have ever had." She pointed to the sweet pea and gumleaf on her upper arm, tears streamed down her face and James felt bad for her. "These are for my Mom and Dad, I lost them when I was three."

"Lost them?"

"My parents died when I was three. We are all we have and I hate being away from them. They raised me, with my grandparents and my Pops is getting really old and I'm scared that I am not there for him. I owe them everything."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He was very sweet, even if he was a little hurt. He felt used but he pushed it aside because he did really like her. Leaning over the table he rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand softly. "I wish I had known."

"I'm sorry."

"Your ex? Do you still love him?"

"Doesn't matter. I haven't spoken to him in months. We both decided to move on."

"It's not what I asked?"

Iris was a bit stunned; she had tried not to think about it. It hurt too much to think about Colton. "I think some part of me always will."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Hey, you didn't…" He lied."…but I am glad I know now before I do get hurt. I really like you Iris and if I wasn't worried that I will fall in love with you I'd say I'd like to be your friend, but honestly I can't." He stood up and tilted her head up with a finger under her chin and kissed her softly. "Thanks for last night, I really liked being with you."

Iris cried all afternoon. She had never felt so alone and useless. James was a nice guy, he had even driven her home and hugged her before she got out of the car. "I'm sorry."

"Hey Iris, if, by some miracle you stop loving this guy who let you go let me know." He kissed her cheek and wiped away a tear that trickled down her cheek. "It's okay. I don't hate you."

Perhaps it would have been better if he did, it just made Iris feel worse.

It wasn't the end of her relationship with James, if you could call it that. They had no plans to catch up but they bumped into each other one night in a bar and had a few drinks and wound up back at his place again. The sex was better this time because Iris wasn't worried that James would want something more. She had made it very clear to him before they even left the bar that this was just casual sex, it didn't mean anything and they were just having fun. Whether he wanted it or not that was all Iris was offering and he couldn't say no. She was beautiful and had an incredible body and he was male after all. It happened a couple of times and for weeks in between he never heard from her.

James did hope that it might grow into something but she dashed his hopes every time.

Every time it happened it brought Colton back into her thoughts and she had worked so hard to push him out of her mind. As much as she enjoyed the sex with James, she didn't crave it like she craved Colton's touch, kisses and his body.

Early on she would often think about him and fantasize about how he used to take control and how he always made her feel the centre of the universe. When she talked to her family she asked if they had seen him. He had stopped in to see Adam a few times early on but didn't talk about Iris and they felt rude prying into his life. Adam had no such qualms and straight out asked him 'What the fuck are you doing?"

"Trying to work and study and forget a little bit."

"Why do you want to forget her? That's my Bug, you told me you loved her."

Colton looked at him sadly. "I think I will always love her. I still have hope."

"Then why? I don't understand. If you love her what the fuck are you doing here?"

"It's what Iris wanted. She had to go take that job, it was a great opportunity straight out of college. It wasn't fair to hold her back; I want her to succeed and be happy." It was too hard to see Adam and her family and he stopped visiting. He missed Adam though, he loved the old guy he had always made him laugh and he hated seeing the disappointment on his face when he was talking about Iris. If anyone was going to miss Iris as much as he did, it was Adam.

He had tried to see other people but he had been an asshole by just walking away and never calling them or doing the old 'it's not you, it's me' line. He was in love with Iris and no matter what he did to move on he couldn't, in all honestly he probably didn't want too.

When he bumped into Alfie and he had told him that Iris was struggling he felt like shit. Alfie told him about her job but not about James. He had visited her not long after her first time with James and she had spilled her guts about her attempt at a new relationship and that it was a disaster. Alfie didn't tell Colton any of that, he didn't need to know. He did tell him, however that the job wasn't going well for her, the girl she had replaced came back early and she had been shoved aside and put into another role that wasn't teaching her anything, she was now basically a receptionist and that she was miserable.

She hated it but wasn't about to quit, no matter how shit she was treated, that was not who she was raised to be. You did your job, whatever it was until it was done and then walk away with your head held high. No one was going to come back and say that Iris Hollister didn't give it 100percent.

Another attempt at dating had been horrific and they guy she had been set up with seemed to assume that Iris was going to be an easy lay, he got pissed and groped her and then got angry when Iris told him to fuck off. She had days of abusive messages and it made her feel worse than she already did.

Her life had unravelled in spectacular fashion.