Okay, first off, to my partner in crime, maycontestdrew: Dude, you can't copyright 'Dear Readers'. It was not a original idea. I'm not copying your narrator, can you get over yourself, please?
Now, masters and squires, readers and writers, friends and foes, I introduce you to my lovely little Christmas special. Consider it a present to you lovely consumers of my writing. I'd assume you'd guessed by now, but all of this strictly not to be taken seriously. Hopefully this one stupid, goofy Christmas special doesn't break the immersion of a world I've been trying to build for over a year now, but fuck it. It's Christmas. Let me have some fun!
One last thing, this does contain spoilers for the previously mentioned maycontestdrew's Diamond Nuzlocke story: The Iron Knight. Brief but very potent spoilers. If you're not caught up on her story, or haven't checked it out at all, I strongly advise to do so first before reading this special. In fact, if you haven't checked out or finished reading Iron Knight, what the fuck are you doing?! Go check it out! It's way better than this fourth wall breaking garbage. Seriously, click off this story and go search it out now. It's phenomenal. Do it. dO iTTT.
Well, with all that out of the way, let's begin shall we?
A long time ago in a region far, far away...
'Twas the night before Christmas, whatever Pokemon's version of it was called,
A time where our story's conflicts are briefly stalled;
As the snow sprinkles down from the sky to coat the roof,
Red can be found celebrating, in this cute little spoof.
Pokemon Centers, typically finding itself with an abundance of exhausted trainers looking for a place to rest, or else eager to heal their injured Pokemon after grueling battles, were empty at this time of year. Christmas—sorry, Pokemas, was a time for families and friends to spend together in their homes. The Nurse Joys were stuck there, unfortunately for them, and many had long, empty halls and cafeteria food to look forward to during the Pokemas season.
The Nurse Joy of Vermilion City, however, had a boy in red to spend time with. For better or for worse.
Red and his team spent Pokemas Eve livening up the empty Pokemon Center, decorating the walls with lights and dragging in a massive evergreen through the front doors, though in retrospect it probably hadn't been a good idea for Star-Lord to carry it, as his tail had accidentally set the tree on fire twice. Thankfully Drax had been there to put it out, but the tree was still singed, and it now carried an odd burnt smell.
Mariah Carey and Dean Martin were taking turns singing classic Christ-Pokemas jingles on the radio, and Red had even forced his team into ugly sweaters he had knitted himself.
Yes, even Lucina.
"I hate this holiday," Lucina growled. "I swear, between wearing this horrible fabric, and spending time with a seasick Krookodile, I'd take the Krookodile."
"Hey, I could have that arranged," Drax said, from where he was lying contentedly on the Pokemon Center's iconic blue couch. "I knew a few Sandile back by the riverbank where I used to live. Maybe we could get a few rare candies and set you up?"
"Deal," Lucina said shortly, trying to struggle out of her sweater. Drax's shit-eating grin widened at her desperate writhing, fruitlessly trying to shimmy out of it.
"Can't pull it off?"
"Shut the fuck up, I don't even have arms," Lucina growled.
"Come on," Red said, skipping over to them. He himself was wearing a white sweater printed with the words: 'I love you' on them. "These sweaters are awesome. They all have Star Wars quotes on them. This season was already the most wonderful time of the year, and all the sweet Star Wars content we get just makes it better."
"Wait, what does it say on mine?" Lucina asked, looking down at the print that she couldn't read.
"I find your lack of faith disturbing," Red said.
"Oh, fuck the hell yes," Lucina said. "You know what we're doing tonight, Red?"
"Seeing if you can use psychic powers to choke people out like Darth Vader?"
"That's the ticket."
"Okay, Lucina potentially murdering people aside, I think Jackie needs some help." Rocket, for his part was wearing a Santa Hat that he rather enjoyed, cutting out holes for his ears to poke out. His sweater had Obi Wan's classic quote: "If You Strike Me Down, I Shall Become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine."
Jackie had made a valiant effort in trying to decorate the Christmas tree by herself. Unfortunately, she had gotten tangled in the lights and was now wrapped around the trunk, straining to get free.
"You know," Star-Lord said, unable to keep himself from smirking. "Usually you put a star on top, or an angel, or something."
"Okay, ordinarily I appreciate jokes," Jackie said, through a wince of pain. "But right now, I have Evergreen needles poking my butt."
"You want me to set it on fire?" Star-Lord asked, opening his mouth to form a ball of flame.
"Jesus Christ, Star," Rocket said. "Setting things on fire isn't the solution to every problem."
"I don't know," Red said. "I think that's up for debate. Maybe we could vote? Those who believe pyromancy is an acceptable solution to every problem, say—"
"Okay, but I wasn't trying to spark a debate," Rocket said alarmed. "I mean that setting a tree on fire to free Jackie isn't a good idea—-"
"Well, we have a perfect way to test that theory," Star said, the fireball growing larger in his mouth.
"Star, no—"
"Do it, you coward!" Jackie cried. "I can take it!"
"Jackie, no you can't!"
"I made cookies!" Groot said, running into the room from the kitchens, carrying a tray of warm pastries in his vines.
"Open fire!" Jackie called, and Rocket tackled Star just as he released the ball of flame from his mouth. The ember swerved, missing the tree and striking Groot's tray, which promptly erupted into flame.
"My cookies!" Groot cried, as Drax released a stream of water to put out the fire.
"See?" Rocket snapped, rolling off Star-Lord. "I shouldn't even have to explain this, but no, not every problem can be solved by setting things on fire, you fucking psychopath!"
"Actually—" Groot lifted up a cookie with one of his vines and hesitantly took a bite. "They were a little undercooked before. Now they're perfect!"
Star gave Rocket a toothy grin. "I rest my case."
"I really can't stand you," Rocket growled. "You know that?"
Soon the tree had been decorated properly, the lights cast the room in a red and green glow, and the log in the fireplace had been lit (Star had made sure to tell Rocket with a sweet smile that fire had solved the problem of cold, to which Rocket nearly electrocuted him).
Moving up the big blue couch in front of the hearth, Red's team settled down to listen to their trainer tell the story of Christ-er, Pokemas.
"So, then Delibird was finally able to join the rebellion and take up arms against the evil Grinch empire," Red explained.
"Okay, you know Star Wars and Pokemas are two completely separate things," Rocket said. "It feels like you have them combined in your head."
"Shh," Groot hissed. "I want to know what happened when Darth Grinch hit Obi-Wan Cobalion with his lightsaber? Why did he vanish?"
"Well, now he's the one with the spirit of Christmas," Red said.
"Look, I don't know why people kid themselves with Delibird," Star-Lord grunted. "A Pokemon who flies around in a sleigh pulled by six fanfiction writers, delivering presents? Total bullshit."
"We live in a world with snails hotter than the surface of the sun," Lucina drawled. "Not a lot should be off the table."
"Seriously, you should be more respectful to the legend," Rocket said. "If it weren't for Delibird, the Grinch Empire could have blown up Kanto and all of us with it. Just like Galar."
Groot gave a sad little sigh. "I miss Galar."
"I don't," Rocket said darkly.
"Er, Red," Nurse Joy called. "You might want to come see this."
She was standing outside, holding open one of the Center doors, letting in the cold wind.
Curious, Red and his team followed, marching single file out of the Center doors to the snow caked ground of Vermilion City. Joy pointed to the sky, and Red gasped.
"It's Delibird's sleigh," he whispered.
"Ho, ho, ho!" Delibird called over the roaring snowstorm, steering his fanfiction writers to the ground. "On Plegian Gengar, on DeltaXtreme, on Fuzzboy! On maycontestdrew, on Premasaur, on Vexan!"
To Red's team's shock and delight, the sleigh landed, and Delibird took a short flap off his sleigh, landing in front of them.
"Hello!" Delibird said with a hearty laugh. "Sorry for taking so long, but Fuzzboy kept flaking. What wonderful boys and girls you've been this year! I have presents for all of you—"
"Quick Ball!" Red screamed chucking the object in question hard enough to bowl over the poor bird. He vanished into the ball, and Red sprinted over to claim it.
"What, dude, you can't catch Delibird!" Rocket cried. "It's against the rules!"
Ignoring his Pikachu, Red released Delibird, who gave him an affronted look.
"What the hell, man? That was so rude! I'm putting you on the naughty list."
"I think I'm going to name you Santa," Red noted, looking him over.
"Isn't that a little on the nose," Delibird said scathingly.
"Okay. We'll call you Jesus, then."
Jesus the Delibird snorted. "There's no way the author is going to let me be named—"
Jesus's eyes widened with horror. "You monster."
"Yo, this is awesome," Drax said, looking over the sleigh. "Forget walking, let's just fly around the rest of the region."
"Well, I'm not going to be the one to fly it," Jesus squawked. "I refuse to defer to a teenage boy."
"Aww, good point," Red said. "I guess this thing's useless if no one knows how to fly it."
"Dude, I can totally fly it," Drax said. "I have my flying sleigh license."
Rocket arched a brow. "How could you possibly…"
"I took an online course. Probably illegally."
"Ah, yeah. That makes sense."
"Look, now that you've captured me, and I'm no longer my own Pokemon, you have a responsibility to take!" Jesus the Delibird pleaded. "The Grinch Empire has our Rebel Alliance on the ropes! You have to help me fly up there so we can destroy the Death Starmie before it can destroy more regions!"
"God, who's writing this crap," Rocket mumbled.
"Oh my god, my time has come," Red whispered. "Team, it's time for our most important mission yet."
"Beating Blue?" Jackie asked.
"Fighting Mewtwo, the being that single handedly ended a war by killing almost everybody on both sides?" Groot asked.
"No, sillies," Red said, looking determinedly up at the sky. "We're going to save Christmas."
"Pokemas," Rocket corrected.
"Oh my god, Rocket, who actually gives a fuck?"
Imperial officers Jessie and James marched down the cold, steel walkway to Darth Grinch's chambers. She was a terrifying, punishing woman when she was displeased, and they had bad news to give.
Before they could see her, they could hear her cold, synthetic breathing. It came out in loud wheezes, and it only grew louder as they approached. In her black armor, she was scarier to them than any Pokemon.
"My lord Grinch," Jessie said, bowing low before Darth Grinch's throne. "Your breathing sounds horrible? Are you feeling well?"
"It's fucking cold this time of year," Green said, into a respirator. "My nose is clogged, so I'm breathing through my mouth. Get me a tissue!"
"Yes, lord Grinch," James said. "But I'm afraid we have news to report first. Delibird managed to escape our forces and reveal our Death Starmie's weakness to the Rebel Alliance. They've emerged to engage us."
"Unfortunate news indeed, but perhaps we can use it to our advantage," Green said. "No doubt the Rebel Alliance will send out everything they have for this chance to destroy what we have built. We can crush it here and now, forever. Order all our troops to attack the moment the rebels come into sight."
"Yes, Lord Grinch," Jessie and James said in tandem, relieved that they had not been punished. They were quick to run from the room.
"I hate Christmas," Green growled as she stepped down from her throne, dropping a hand to the lightsaber on her belt (yes there are lightsabers in this.)
"I hate gingerbread houses. I hate presents and joy. I hate candy and all of the good girls and boys," she snarled in that Grinchy way of hers. "I hate the Whos down in Whoville and all of their songs.
"I hate their whumpets and blumpets and falalalalas. But most of all, I hate—"
"Er, Lord Grinch?" Captain Ross asked, stepping into the room. "Who are you talking to?"
Green yelped. "No one! I was just…."
She coughed. "Whatever! Get on with the attack!"
The Death Starmie was a giant, floating, mechanical Starmie in space. You get the picture. I'm not wasting time explaining it. Staryu Fighters emerged, soaring in formations to meet the rebel fleet screaming up towards them.
"All wings," Red said, from the biggest sleigh, Drax at the reins and Jesus the Delibird at his side. "Report in."
"Delilah 10, standing by," Jackie said from her own, smaller sleigh.
"Delilah Seven, standing by," Rocket said.
"Delilah Three, standing by," Lucina said.
"Delilah Six, standing by," Star-Lord said.
"Red Two, standing by," said Wedge Antilles, from the cockpit of his X-wing fighter.
"Oh hey, It's Wedge!" Red said, waving to him.
"Who the hell is Wedge?" Star-Lord asked.
"Fake fan," Rocket growled.
"Delilah Five, standing by," Groot cried, and the sleighs flew forward in a 'V' formation, soon finding themselves in the thick of Staryu-Fighters, swerving to avoid the gunfire.
"Activate the rotary guns," Jesus the Delibird ordered, and Drax quickly pressed a button. Two machine guns pulled out from the sides of the sleigh, opening fire on the Staryu Fighters. Drax let out a whoop of joy as one exploded.
"Hey, Jesus? Why would you put guns on the sleigh you fly around in to deliver presents to children?" Red asked, keeping a hand on his hat to keep it from flying away.
"Dude, I have to fly pretty low to the ground," Jesus said. "Meaning there's a lot of birds in the sky I have to avoid crashing into. Usually it's just easier to blow them out of the way."
Red blinked, taking a moment to let that sink in. "That seems fair.'
"Ya!" Drax said, snapping the reins and forcing the Fanfiction writers to swerve down, the sudden drop causing two Staryu Fighters to collide, resulting in an explosion twice as big as the last.
"Damn, Drax, you really are good at this!" Red said.
"I told you man," Drax said, turning to flash a grin at his trainer. "Those online classes were really helpful."
"Wow," Groot said, as Wedge's X-fighter shot ahead, spinning and destroying several of the enemy fighters with ease. "I guess when you're in an actual starship you're pretty competent."
Following his lead, Lucina, Star, and Jackie dove after them, swooping down towards the Death Starmie, laying waste to dozens of the Staryu Fighters that crossed their path and freeing the way for Red's sleigh down to the trenches. Groot and Red made to follow but were stopped in their tracks as a hot air balloon designed to look like a Meowth blocked their way.
"Prepare for trouble!" Jessie said, performing a bizarre pose from inside the hot air balloon's carriage.
"And make it double," James said, in an equally bizarre pose, a rose in his hand for some reason.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of—"
Groot opened fire.
The hot air balloon, now punctured, blew this way and that, Jessie and James screaming as they held on to one another for dear life.
"Groot!" Red shouted.
"What?" Groot protested. "They were standing still! What was I gonna do, wait for them to finish their speech?"
"Red, remember what you need to do," Jesus the Delibird said. "We need to drop my sack of presents within the core of the Death Starmie. When the imperial soldiers realize that they too are loved and can share in the yule tidings, they'll stop trying to destroy Kanto."
"Are you sure?" Red said.
"About 60 percent?"
"Well, shit, I've never been 60 percent sure of anything in my life," Red said, cracking a confident smile. "Let's do this."
The battle was going poorly, Green had to admit. Red's Delilah squadron had singlehandedly carved a path of destruction all the way to the Death Starmie's trenches and were on a steady course to the Starmie's core. But the tide was going to change.
Because it was time for Darth Grinch to enter the battlefield.
Launching out in her own Staryu fighter, she rested her hand on the triggers of her guns. She watched the rebels in their sleighs (and one in an X-wing) tear through another squadron of Fighters, the core getting closer...
It was time she got her hands dirty.
"Captain Ross," Green said, into the microphone hanging under her chin. "Play my music."
"Yes, ma'am."
As she gained on the sleighs in front of her, an old classic tune began to play, filling her cold, dead heart with warmth.
"You're a mean one, Mrs. Green."
She opened fire, blowing apart Star-Lord's sleigh with ease. Lucina and Jackie swerved over to counterattack, in a desperate attempt to hold her off.
"Your heart's an empty hole."
Lucina managed steer out of the way of the next line of fire, but Jackie's sleigh was clipped. Shrieking, the Mankey was sent veering to one of the Death Starmie's spinning points, which upon impact snapped the sleigh in two.
"Your brain is full of spiders—"
Ignoring Lucina, she locked onto Rocket, her gunfire tearing up his sleigh's seating and hurling him off. Without anyone to guide what remained of his sleigh, it dropped like a stone.
"You've got garlic in your soul—"
Groot was the next to fall under Green's might, somersaulting out of control and nearly hitting Red's sleigh, Drax managing to swerve to avoid it at the last second. Groot's sleigh smashed into the side of the trench, once again lighting the dark sky up in a plume of flames.
"Mrs. Gre—"
Green suddenly gasped as some force closed around her neck. A hand clawing at her throat, she turned to her left, where Lucina was miming a choking motion.
"Ha, I knew this would work!" Lucina crowed. "Who's the queen Darth Vader bitch now, honey?"
Her eyes rolling up in her head, Green managed to summon up what remained of her strength to stomp down on the triggers with her foot, sending pulsing blasts of energy towards Lucina's sleigh.
With an "Awww shit- ", the Butterfree was blown to smithereens.
"Hey, uh," Red said, looking back at the chaos behind them. "Is my team going to be okay?"
"Oh yeah," Jesus Delibird said, not looking up from his phone. "Lucina just has a sprained wrist."
The sleigh suddenly rocked as laser fire slammed into it, Darth Grinch cackling from her Staryu Fighter.
"Crap!" Red cried, nearly losing his balance. "Drax, hold it together!"
"Hey, man, I'm trying, but it's hard to steer with only four Fanfiction writers!" Drax said. "DeltaXtreme and Plegian Gengar are fucking dead!"
"I'm hit!" Wedge cried, as his X-Wing's hydraulic lines took damage from the Grinch's next assault. "I can't stay with you!"
"Get clear, Wedge!" Red shouted. "You can't do anymore good back there!"
"Sorry!"
"I have you now," Green said, aiming at the now lone sleigh. Red and Jesus the Delibird both looked back in horror as she took aim, her fingers resting on the triggers-
And then a beam of energy slammed into her Staryu Fighter, sending it careening away. A Doduo was flying among them now, squawking and shooting lasers from its twin beaks, destroying the enemy fighters that had once had Red's sleigh surrounded.
"YEE-HOOOO!" Yellow whooped from the Doduo's back, steering Edward and Alphonse through the air and directing their attacks.
"Yellow?!" Red cried.
"Doduos can fly?!" Jesus the Delibird cried.
"Doduos can shoot lasers?!" Drax shouted.
"You're all clear, kid!" Yellow said, giving Red a confident grin. "Now let's blow this thing and go home!"
Grabbing the bag of presents, Red swung it over his shoulder with all his might and threw it over the side of the sleigh. It landed perfectly into the small opening that lead to the Death Starmie's core.
When the bag of presents landed, it's said that the imperial officers went through a great change as they gathered before Delibird's gifts. Tearing through the wrapping paper, seeing the presents that told them that they too were wanted... it's said that the heart of the Death Starmie itself grew three sizes that day.
…. It then exploded.
The party that followed was magnificent, one attended by all in this story and more. Even everyone from The Iron Knight, though no one could understand a lick of what they were saying, and they smelled like cat pee. Also, literally every character from that story was there, all of them, because the world is happy and good, and no one ever dies in a Christmas special (I miss Bebe :( ). All were given presents, but unfortunately, since Red got to decide who got what, everyone wound up with Star Wars sweaters. It was an awkward moment indeed, when Kenny noticed that his sweater was printed with 'I am your father.' There was probably a lot to unpack there.
And yet it was here that the impossible happened. The once sad and lonely Pokemon Center found itself overflowing with Christmas spirit and life, Star-Lord actually shook hands with Rocket, Delia for once had enough to drink, and it was even rumored that Lucina had been caught smiling.
Unfortunately, all parties have to end, and soon the crowd began to thin, people began to say their goodbyes (By the way, not really relevant, but in this special Barry gets cool robot eyes that can see through walls. It was pretty badass. I dunno, you kind of had to be there to appreciate it.) and even Jesus the Delibird had to be off, ready to nap until it was time to begin preparations for the next Christmas. Soon, Red and Yellow were alone, helping Joy clean up the now admittedly messy Pokemon Center.
"Looks like you got me to stick around a little longer, princess," Yellow said, "But I'm gonna have to get back to Cinnabar soon. I'm needed for plot stuff."
"You know, I'm not sure what it is about this Han Solo bit you have going on," Red said. "But holy holly jolly, is it hot."
"You know," Yellow said, giving him a mischievous little grin. "This is technically just a one-shot. The laws of canon don't have to apply. So, if we wanted to make out a little..."
"Really?" Red said nervously. "I don't know, I don't think we're supposed to get together till like, the second half of the story."
"C'mon, the chapter's about to end. We have to give our readers something juicy!"
"Umm," Red said. "Maybe if we had a sign or something. Some big thumbs up from the gods themselves—"
He hesitated when Yellow tapped his shoulder and pointed up. From the balcony above, Groot was dangling a mistletoe above their heads. He was smiling that big dopey smile of his.
"God, Groot," Red said. "I love you."
And as Yellow pounced on him, and as Groot stepped away to give them privacy, his smile grew wider.
"I know."
And so for now readers, I hope you're content,
For a happy ending that's brief but well spent;
Though Green is not dead, her lightsaber soon to be lit,
Our heroes' rest will have them fighting fit;
So, before the conflict continues, before the great fight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
So with that, have a very happy holiday, be it a merry Christmas or any other holiday you may celebrate. Hell, if you're not into any of that nonsense then I hope you at least enjoy the day off.
Meanwhile, I'll be drinking my weight in eggnog out of my new Gengar mug and trying to figure out what the hell kind of presents I'm going to get my friends.
The next 'real' chapter will be out soon, but for now, happy holidays!