It takes time to get everyone across the river. The boat is only big enough for three of them at a time if they bring their packs with them and, while a quick trip for birds, dwarves are unaccustomed to rowing. Not to mention how much more awkward the task is when the boat has obviously been made for elves. Fili and Thorin cross first and alone, bringing Kili and Billana's belongings with them. Fili practically throws his brother's pack at Kili, who is already talking a mile a minute about the encounter the pair just experienced. Fili rolls his eyes, setting his pack and Billana's carefully away from the water, then shrugs off his coat. Billana hops down, already shifting back to her natural form as Fili wraps his coat around her.
She smiles gratefully, half listening to Kili as he talks and pulling her clothes back on quickly. The air around them is still full of the smell of decay, but the despair and self-doubt which had clung to her before meeting the stag has lifted. She feels more certain of herself as she pulls herself together, keeping Fili's coat wrapped around her for as long as she can and relishing the warmth and comfort of it until the boat carrying Dwalin, Balin and Ori arrives. Balin raises an eyebrow at her when he sees what she is still wrapped in, though he doesn't say anything, and she huffs before handing it back to Fili.
"Thank you," she mutters, checking to see what Balin is doing and then rising up so that she can kiss his cheek and lingering just a little bit longer than she should, especially when he turns his head just enough to catch her lips with his own.
Like the one she not long received from Kili, this is a sweet and gentle kiss and she relishes it as much as she would any other. There has been precious little time for any of them to be alone and while she is coming to know them among others, she wishes she could have the time to know them behind closed doors as well. It is something that she knows will have to wait. Especially when Thorin barks for Fili to help the last of their companions from the boat and orders her to his side.
"Is what Kili just told me true?" He demands. "Did this beast truly gift you the ability to find your way in this pit?"
"Yes, but I have no idea if it will work," she stammers, concerned by the glare that he is directing at both of them.
She is already, however, beginning to truly notice the differences in the way that the forest looks and feels now that her mind is clear. It is still dank, dark and oppressive, but the bleak thoughts and irrational fears are quieter now and have returned to that deep place in the back of her mind where they usually lurk. Kili, too, seems to be feeling lighter than before, his shoulders aren't hunched and though he, like all of them, still looks tired there is a brightness to his eyes that she hadn't realised was missing. It makes the shadow in Fili's eyes all the more pronounced and worry niggles at her.
"I think it will work," Kili says confidently. "Look at the path."
Billana follows his instructions. The brief look that she had taken before had allowed her to see that the road ahead was much the same as that they had already walked. It is in much the same condition, overgrown with thick weeds and the trailing roots of trees. Stones stick up at odd angles, lie on the road surface or are missing entirely. Even the odd sapling has popped up in the middle of it, though how anything can grow in this place is a mystery to her. It is still a dark tunnel through the trees, but now the ground where the path should be seems to shimmer, as though the stones have been lit up from the inside.
"Do you see it?" Kili asks her, wrapping an arm around her waist.
"I do," she breathes. "It's so clear."
"There is nothing 'clear' about it," Thorin grumbles, "from what I see before me, the path on this side of the river will be even harder to follow."
"Then you should let us lead, Uncle," Kili suggests.
Thorin glares, then nods, issuing orders that the others gather their things so that they can get underway.
"Fili, stay to the rear," he instructs as the golden mage makes his way towards them, "make sure everyone keeps up."
Fili shoots them a brief look, but follows his uncle's orders. It remains this way for the days that follow; Kili and Billana lead the way, but Thorin always has Fili at the back. The few times one or other of them try to drift back to speak with him results in glares and barked orders from the dwarf king. Billana watches, however, with worried eyes as the rest of the Company begins to fall apart around them.
It doesn't seem like much at first. However, the longer they all spend under the trees, the more on edge everyone seems to become. It isn't until they begin to hallucinate that Billana realises that the problem is more drastic than they had thought. None of the rest seem to notice, and for the most part they're fairly simply things. Thorin argues extensively with Balin for an hour before Billana realises the not only is Balin not answering, he is further down the line anyway and seems to be dancing a hobbit jig. Bifur flings his pack away from him with a garbled cry that Kili translates as meaning it is full of vipers. That one costs them food. The pack lands in another pool of the same swirling orange, red and black liquid as the eye she had seen on the statue when they entered the forest. Neither she nor Kili dares to attempt to retrieve it.
As they walk they come across more of the odd pools and it becomes an extra task to keep the others away from them. Periodically they will check on the rest, glancing over their shoulders to make certain that everyone is still present. For the most part they walk with their heads down in silence, although there are the occasional mumbles and hand gestures. Fili worries her the most. He watches them with an increasingly bleak expression, his eyes seeming to track her every movement until he notices that she is watching him. When she hears him yell, therefore, a few days after they have left the river, Billana rushes to him as quickly as she can regardless of Thorin's orders that she stay ahead. Fili has come to a halt and is staring in horror at a rotting tree stump. She almost thinks that he will collapse under the weight of the anguish on his face and though it would likely jar him out of his vision, she can see with only a glance down that it would be very bad. The very tip of his boot is touching the edge of one of those awful swirling pools, she doesn't want to think about what it might do to him if he were to fall into it. She grabs his arm, pulling, and he turns to stare at her, confused and afraid.
"What did you see?" She asks. He shakes his head. "The place is getting to us all, I just want to help."
"It doesn't matter," he insists, "it wasn't real."
"It matters," she tells him, but his face closes off and he refuses to meet her eyes. Billana sighs, then pulls him down so that she can brush her lips over his. He doesn't respond, just stares as though he is trying to work her out and doubt fills her. "We'll talk about it later," she says and rushes ahead.
She doesn't get the chance.
They realise that their supplies are lower than they had thought when they stop to make camp that evening. It becomes her job to keep proper track of the path while Kili attempts to find something, anything, to hunt. While Kili's attention has drifted to the edges of the path, therefore, Billana finds herself forced to put all of her attention onto the the way ahead. She watches the others as much as she can, steering them clear of the swirling puddles when they crop up and day by day she sees Fili withdraw from her. He begins to avoid her eyes, even when they make camp, and flinch from her touch when she reaches for him. Still, she can feel him glaring when she speaks with Kili or anyone else, though.
His odd behaviour makes dread clutch at her without the aid of the curse on this dismal place. Even Kili seems baffled by the odd behaviour. She begins to wonder if he is having second thoughts about courting her and nor would she blame him if he did. After all, she is little more than a hobbit with strange magic. The thought, however, that he may not want her anymore makes her blood run cold and her chest hurt. She reminds herself that this place is affecting them all and that it is more than likely showing Fili any number of terrible things. It is little comfort.
"This isn't like him," Kili says nearly ten days after their encounter with the stag. "He doesn't get like this," he waves his hand at Fili's scowling face and then gestures to Thorin. "He can be a bit of an idiot, but he normally gets to the point about whatever's bothering him quicker than this." She sighs.
"I just wish he would talk to me."
"He will," Kili assures her, "but remember that we were all having some dark thoughts before we got this deep in. The curse on this place, whatever it is, is powerful. I know I was imagining any number of ridiculous things. Give him time." She nods, Kili knows his brother better than she does after all, but she doesn't the way that he tries to confront Fili later that afternoon or that Fili pushes him away more viciously than he ever has.
Her chance comes that night. Billana is on second watch, though in the pitch black of Mirkwood at night she doubts that any of them can see anything. She is staring into nothingness, trying desperately to stay awake for just another hour. Second watch is the worst one, though she has only started taking any watches at all since they entered Mirkwood and they realised that the only one of them who might stand a chance of realising a threat is approaching is her. Everyone sleeps badly, but it is Fili that she notices tossing and turning, even though she cannot see him. He mumbles in his sleep and even though she cannot understand any of it she hears her name uttered in such a heartbroken tone that she has to wake him.
"Talk to me," she whispers once he is awake, "tell me what's going on." She takes his hand in hers and she doesn't know what he hears, but his answer comes as a complete surprise.
"I don't want your pity, Billana," he snarls, "if you don't want me just say and have done with it."
"What are you talking about?" She exclaims. "I wouldn't have accepted you, either of you, if I thought for a moment that I didn't want you! This isn't pity, Fili, I'm worried about you." He snorts. "You've been cold and distant and angry since we crossed the river, I'm starting to think that you regret asking to court me. I'm starting to think that it was just a bored game to you."
"I would never think that," he tells her quickly. "If I hadn't been certain I wanted to court you I never would have asked."
"Then what is going on?" She hisses. "You and Kili must have talked about it before you both approached me, if I've done something to make you think I regret it you have to tell me." She pauses. "I know this place is getting into everyone's head, but it seems to be worse for you. Tell me, please." She takes his face into her hands, running cold fingers through his tangled hair. None of them have really had time to take proper care of themselves since they came in here and it is jarring to see someone who is usually so well put together as Fili looking so bedraggled as he does during the day.
"I can't be to you what Kili is," he mutters after a moment of silence. "I can't soar through the sky on raven's wings or promise you as much of my time and attention. Once we're in Erebor I'll have duties that will keep me until late in the evenings. Once I am king there will be more. I won't be able to take you out for the picnics you love or promise to be in your bed when you retire each night. It might be days where we hardly see or speak to one another."
"Oh, Fili," she breathes, kissing his forehead. "Of course you won't be the same to me as Kili is, but that doesn't mean I feel less for you. Kili can fly with me, but he can't heal. He doesn't understand the deep joy of being able to save one thought past hope or the agony of losing a patient that we thought might live. He wasn't the one who wrapped me and moved me after I healed the pony, and he probably only knew I would need the second bowl of breakfast because of you." He sighs. "You were the one who knew there was something deeper behind what I said to Elrond and Thorin in Rivendell. You were the one who knew I would seek the two of you out. You were the one who gave me the comfort I needed."
"Any friend would do that," Fili points out.
"Maybe," she shrugs, "but I don't feel as safe and at home with my friends as I do with you and Kili. Even before we left my home I came to you both."
"You came to Kili," he mutters and she pulls a face.
"He was the one awake at the time," she shrugs. "And I certainly didn't intend on falling asleep." She can't see him, the night of Mirkwood is too dark for that, but she feels him shake his head from her the way her hands are still running through his hair. "I meant what I said by the stream, Fili," she tells him firmly. "I won't choose between you. It'll be both of you or neither of you. You don't get to decide it for me. If you both carry on the way you were before the river I think I could be entirely in love with you both before we even reach the mountain, just stop hiding things from me. I've never done this before, I've never felt so much for anyone before, but I can't do it if you keep pushing me away. I'm frightened enough as it is, please don't make it worse by holding back. Just tell me."
His hands find her cheeks in the darkness, although the way he seems to search tells her that he can see as little as she can. Then their lips meet and this kiss is harsh and desperate. Kili's passion often feels like he wants to eat her, Fili's feels like he is trying to drag her soul out to mix it with his. It is powerful and consuming and she falls into it as though nothing else at all could possibly matter than this kiss and this moment. Nothing but this feeling matters, she thinks, and perhaps she isn't just on her way to being in love with him. Perhaps she already is in love with them both. It's terrifying as a thought, and it makes her cling to him all the more when it occurs to her. His arms shift, wrapping around her and dragging her into his lap so that he can press her tightly against him and she allows it to happen. She can't think of anywhere else she would rather be or anything that would improve this moment. Not even Kili because, as much as she adores him, this moment is Fili's and Fili's alone.
"You really mean that?" He asks, almost in wonder, when their breath is coming in gasps. His head is against hers, his voice a broken whisper.
"Of course," she replies. "Stop carrying the world on your shoulders, Fili, talk to me or talk to your brother. Don't try to shoulder it all."
He crushes her to him again and they hold one another in silence for a moment.
"If you two are quite done," Dwalin grumbles from somewhere to her left, "some of us are trying to sleep."
"It's my watch now anyway," Thorin says from elsewhere. "Get some sleep, you two, we have another march ahead of us tomorrow."
"Move over," Billana whispers to Fili.
He shuffles to one side a little, apparently understanding her request without her having to say it, as reluctant to let go of her as she is of him. Billana knows that she should go back to her own blankets, Balin will be upset in the morning to find her in Fili's, but Kili is to the other side of her and she doesn't want to be anywhere other than with the pair of them right now. The stag's blessing may have protected her from the darkness of the forest, but it can't protect her from the doubts that fill the minds of the others and make them question themselves and her and their journey. This, however, lying between the two dwarves who care for her deeply enough to want to court her, makes her feel like she could face anything so long as she has the safety of their arms to return to. They lie together, Fili with his arm wrapped around her waist as he pulls her securely against him, his bedroll not truly big enough for the both of them, and his nose in her hair. Kili seems to sense her presence, sighing in his sleep and rolling closer and she drifts off in the warm hollow made by the way that their bodies wrap around her. For the first time since they entered Mirkwood nightmares do not plague her.
A.N: This is the chapter that wouldn't end. It might get a bit odd in places. Somehow I've managed to mess up my bad shoulder again (probably from the DIY at the weekend) so I'm back on the really good painkillers until I can get to see my physio. Happy days.