Book Three, Part Five: When You Left…

Meredith's Point of View

I looked over at Mia as we ate dinner. Something was off with her. Her eyes looked bloodshot as if she had been crying and she had been quiet since Jake had dropped her off. Normally, my child was the happiest person on the planet. Maybe the hormones were kicking in a little late.

"So, how was your day Mer?" Mark asked, trying to stifle the awkward silence, bless him.

"It was good. I had complications with a craniotomy, but I worked it out." I stated.

"Of course you did."

"What about you? Any celebrities needing Double D's?" I teased.

"Ha, ha. No, I met with a child that I am going to build ears for."

"What? You are going to build ears for a kid? That is wonderful. Does insurance pay for a procedure like that?" I asked.

"No. I am doing it pro bono." He said.

"I think that is kind of great of you." I commended him.

"It's nothing." He waved away my praise.

"Is anyone going to ask me about my day?" Mia asked.

She speaks…

"Of course, how was your day sweetie?" I asked, my tone purposefully excited.

"Well, I was in the well-baby nursery again, because my mother exiled me there for some unknown reason. This new doc came in to do a consult on a baby's hernia and she was really nice. Really tall, red hair. Do you know her? Anyway, then the lazy ass chick who I help came back, so I bolted and snuck in to watch your craniotomy and who did I meet there?"

"I don't know, why don't you tell me?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Dr. Derek Shepherd. We had this totally awesome conversation. Well it was awesome for him, awkward for me, because I was the only one of us who knew he was my father, so yeah, that was my day. Mine tops both of yours, I think." Her accusing eyes locked on my shocked ones.

"I…"

"Say something Mom." She pleaded.

"How did you even know? I never told you his name." I asked.

"After my birthday, I wanted to know more so I looked through your closet and there was this box there with my baby pictures. He was in one of them. He looks different now, but it was obvious who he was. So, when I saw him, I just…why didn't you tell me he was here?" She asked, tears filling her beautiful blue eyes.

"He just arrived a couple of days ago and I thought…I thought I would have more time. I wasn't intentionally keeping it from you." She looked at me doubtfully. "Okay I was. I wasn't going to tell you anytime soon." I admitted.

"What about him? Were you planning to tell him?" She asked.

"No, I wasn't. Call me selfish, but he abandoned me. He left me and Mark had to step in to help me raise you. I just don't believe he deserves to know you." I said.

"Don't I deserve to know him?" She asked quietly.

"Have you lacked anything in your life? I mean, didn't we do a good job?" I asked, desperate to know.

"Of course Mom. The fact that I didn't blurt out who I was to him was a reflection on that fact. My loyalty is to you and to Uncle Mark, but he is my father. I want the chance to know him. I need to get to know him. Please Mom." She pleaded.

I looked to Mark. His jaw was clenched. He met my eyes, shook his head and then got up from the table and left the room. Mia watched him go with worried eyes.

"Is he mad at me?" She asked.

I got up and enveloped her in my arms.

"No Baby, he is just mad at the situation. He loves you so much."

"I love him too. Just think about it. I think that it would be better coming from you." She said, before kissing my cheek and getting up herself and leaving me alone in my thoughts.

My very scary thoughts.

When did we become grown-ups? And how do we make it stop?

"Do you want me to be with you?" Mark asked anxiously.

"No." I smiled, taking his hand in mine. "I think this is something we should do alone. Is that okay?" I asked, searching his face for his reaction.

He sighed.

"No, it's not, but I get where you are coming from." He said.

"You do?" I asked.

"She is your daughter and as much as I wish she was mine; she isn't. She's his and if it were me, I would want to know." He said.

"That is very big of you. You don't have to feel that way." I said.

"I just…I don't want you to be sucked back in. I can't lose you too." He said.

"For one thing, he is married. Another thing is, I am with you. And you are not losing Mia. She loves you. She just wants to love her dad too. Okay?"

He nodded.

"I get what you are saying, but my heart isn't comprehending that fact. I have been there from the beginning. I held your hair back when she made you vomit, I felt her kick, I watched her entrance into this world, I did three am feedings, changed shitty diapers, I helped her walk, taught her to ride a bike. I have been there for every recital, play, every important event in her life, I have been there and now it seems that it is all being taken away from me and I don't feel I deserve it. And why? Because her sperm donor rode into town with his Prada clad wife? I hate this." He said.

I wrapped my arms around him and held on for dear life.

"It is not like that. You will see. She has more than enough room in her heart to love all of us equally." I promised.

I hoped like hell that was true, because everything he had just said, I was feeling as well.

I approached him nervously.

"Hi."

He turned around, his eyes reflecting his shock that I had sought him out.

Yeah, I am surprised there too, Pal.

"Hi." He smiled, delighted.

"Can we…I mean…we need to talk." I stuttered.

"Sure. Lead the way."

I nodded and led him to a private conference room. Once in, I closed all blinds and locked the door.

"So you want to do that kind of 'talking'." He teased.

I shot him a dirty look.

"That is very inappropriate coming from a married man." I chastised.

"I was joking." He said, rolling his eyes.

"Were you?" I challenged.

"So what is this about? Obviously, not a patient and since we have established quite effectively that there will be no adulterous sex, what can I do for you?" He said, effectively ignoring my question and changing the subject.

"You might want to sit down." I suggested.

"No, I think I will stand." He said.

"Okay then, I will sit." I said, doing just that. My legs were shaking and I needed to sit.

I stayed silent as I tried to find a way to say the words.

"Meredith?"

"Just give me a fucking second! This is hard for me." I hissed.

He finally sat down, in the chair next to me and waited patiently.

"Do you remember that day at your house? It was about three days before you…" I trailed off and cleared my throat.

"Yeah, that was the last time we were happy." He said, sighing. "Before I left. Look I need to tell you why…"

"No! I don't really want to hear it." I said.

"But I really need…"

"I am not ready to hear it Derek." I said firmly.

He nodded. I blew out a sigh of relief.

"You were saying…" He prompted.

"This is really hard for me, so bear with me, okay? This is going to change everything, and I don't know how you or your wife is going to feel about it, and to tell you the truth, I don't really care how it affects either of you. Because it changed my life years ago and while it has been the best thing to ever happen to me, you might not feel that way. And if you don't feel that way, let me know, because I won't do that to her, do you hear me? I will not allow you to hurt her." I rambled.

"Hurt her who?" He asked, confused.

I looked down at my hands and then into his eyes, her eyes. And that reminded me of why I was doing this. For her. For my daughter. For his daughter.

"When you left me all those years ago, there was something you didn't know. I didn't even know until months later. But it is something big and I wanted to keep it from you, I did, but I can't. I have to be the grown up here and tell you."

"Tell me what? For Christ's sake Meredith, spit it out." He demanded, frustrated.

"When you left, you left me with a big part of you. Bigger than even you could imagine. Derek, when you left me, I was pregnant with your child.

What do you think will happen next?