Chapter 37.
Dean knew the movie so well he barely needed to see it. Every word was in his head before the actor spoke it and he knew every gesture. It was comforting in its familiarity and that Cas had picked a movie he loved so much reassured him that they were still on the same page, despite everything.
The silence between them now felt a lot less strained and painful. The hats helped there, both giving them something to hide behind and uniting them in the shared geekdom. Sometimes, Cas felt alien and unknowable. Now, the distance between them seemed small and inconsequential.
Cas had promised not to go to Heaven and that made Dean feel a lot better. He didn't know if he had meant the threats he made against the angels, but he was a little afraid that he did. Cosmic consequences were a major argument against it, but that argument never held up well when his family happened to be at risk. For Sam or for Cas, he would burn galaxies.
Castiel knew that. He was aware that there was very little Dean would not do to protect him and hopefully, that would make it hard for him to go back on his word. For all that Heaven had done to him, Cas still cared and still tried to serve Heaven's best interests, although the details of what he believed those to be had changed over time.
As shots rang out to prevent the hanging, Dean noticed out of the corner of his eye that Cas touched the talisman he wore. Cas didn't use much in the way of body language. Angels did not fidget. When he did make some small gesture, it always seemed significant.
Dean almost said something, but this time, the "Shut up, Dean!" came from within. Nothing he said could change anything. He could lie and say he hoped the talisman would prevent any mind-sharing forever or he could tell the truth and start a discussion that would only distress Cas. Either way, it would be painful and wrong and silence was best.
He'd be fine, he knew. He'd been fine when his mother had died, fine when his father had died for him, fine in Hell, fine when he got out of Hell. He was very good at adapting to change, even very bad change and he would soon get used to the silence in his head, silence which, after all, had been the norm before the connection occurred.
Yes, the connection had given him an easy, automatic closeness to Cas, which was doubly good when talking to Cas was often such hard work, but maybe something good could come of the loss of it. Maybe he could make more of an effort to communicate with Cas by more conventional means and maybe he could just be more honest with him in general, until that feeling of closeness returned, without the creepy mind curse and the sharing of nightmares.
He wished he could feel Cas's feelings now, to know without having to ask what the angel was thinking and whether the curse had truly been hellish for him, but perhaps it was better not to know. He wanted to believe that something in it had been good for Cas and that he was not the only one with some ambivalent feelings about losing it. However, that seemed unlikely and the last thing he wanted was to have it confirmed that all direct contact with his mind was torment to Cas.
Sam thought the silence was messed up and he wasn't wrong, but maybe, if Sam knew the disordered mess in Dean's head, he too would see it as the lesser of two evils. Talking worked well for Sam. Sam had clarity and courage and most of the time, he wasn't lying to himself. Dean had so many levels of bluff and counter bluff in his head that he was never entirely sure what would come out of his mouth or whether he himself would believe it. Cas was vulnerable. Words could hurt him. Even if only Cas spoke, even if Cas spoke the absolute truth, any glance or lack of one in response could wound him without Dean ever meaning it to or knowing it had.
They stood over a pit, into which either could fall at any moment. Dean felt a need to take the risk, but the pit was home to him. He'd survive. He'd be okay. After all the pain and death Castiel had suffered for one worthless, hopeless human, Dean had no intention of making him fall further or suffer more.
He touched the talisman around his own neck. He hated it and he hated wearing it, but Cas needed him to and whatever Cas needed, he would do. He knew how often Cas had suffered for his friendship with the Winchesters and how often he had suffered unfair anger from Dean. They had not done nearly enough to even things up and it was time now to repay their huge debt.