A/N: When you kiss me I know who I am (Meaning of Life - Kelly Clarkson)

DISCLAIMER: SVU and characters belong to Dick Wolf. This story belongs to TStabler©

December 25, 2007

"Behave," Olivia hissed, one hand wrapped around a mug of hot cocoa.

The twins looked away from their jigsaw puzzle and turned, confused. "We are behaving, Momma!" cried Dickie innocently.

"Oh, sweetie pie," Olivia chuckled, brushing her son's hair back. "I was talking to Daddy." she glared at her husband, who had a smug look on his face as he sipped his non-alcoholic eggnog.

His hand was still firmly wedged between Olivia's ass and the couch cushion as he shrugged. "It's Christmas," he said, thinking it was the perfect excuse for anything and everything.

Olivia rolled her eyes and leaned into him, figuring she may as well enjoy his friskiness, despite his entire family being scattered around the room. She watched her oldest kids turn back to the coffee table, working like the wonder-twins they were to put together a puzzle that had far too many smaller pieces for the average six-year-old. She smiled warmly at the backs of their heads and then turned her eyes toward the pop-up crib, watching Eli play with soft blocks and a xylophone. She laughed softly and then turned her head one last time, over to the small cradling swing. In it, tiny Mia was sound asleep, clutching a teddy bear in a blue police uniform.

"What?" Elliot whispered, brushing her hair back. "I know that look, baby." He kissed her forehead and peered down into her eyes, grinning at the golden flecks shining back at him.

"I was just thinking," she said, turning her chin upward to look at him more fully. "We've been together for almost nine years, we have four absolutely perfect kids, and I can't even think about you shaking another woman's hand without getting nauseous."

Elliot nodded. "Sounds about right," he joked. He sipped his nog and said, "You know I feel the same way, beautiful. But what are you…"

"In the last nine months...Cassidy and Nicki got engaged, Ed and Tori got married, and now they're both pregnant. Back in March, Casey was two seconds away from marrying Langan, now he's married to Alex...who, by the way, he's only been with for four months. Barely. Cragen and your mother ran off to…"

"Okay," he interrupted as he swallowed a mouthful of his eggnog. "First, don't forget that Eddie and Vick dated when they were in college, Ma and Cragen...he's my father, baby. There's a lot of history there, we can't fault them for rushing things. Brian told me...ya know, he went on a few dates with Vick last year, but they were using each other. She was trying to piss off Tucker, he was trying to fill a void because every time he thought he was in love, he got hurt. He said with Nicole it was different. She makes him feel alive, makes him feel loved, and he wants…"

"What we have," she finished for him, nodding. "Doesn't explain Alex and Trevor, though. He was with Casey for years and wouldn't put a ring on her finger. He's with Alex for less than half a year, they're married, he legally adopted her son...and normally I would be thrilled for them."

"But…" he let the word linger because he knew what was coming.

She sighed and dropped her chin to his shoulder. "But I saw the way she was looking at you yesterday," she whispered to him, "The way...I guess she's always looked at you, only with more…"

"Regret," he nodded. "I, uh, noticed that. I was just hoping you wouldn't." He leaned over and dropped his empty cup to the side of the table not occupied by puzzle pieces or tiny hands. "You think Alex rushed into marrying him because it would give her an excuse to keep from coming onto me?"

"I think she took the chance to marry the one person who would get under your skin," she told him as she placed her hot chocolate on the table next to his glass. "She knows Trevor had a thing for me in college and that pisses you off, royally. But she also knows, now, he's a good friend. She's trying like hell to work her way back into our lives, the way she was before, and I guarantee you, the minute you're ever left alone with her…"

He kissed her, slowly, softly. He let his right hand creep up her arm to the back of her head and tangled his fingers in her hair. He moved his left hand, grabbing at her ass, and he ran his tongue along hers. "So don't leave me alone with her," he whispered into her mouth. "Save her marriage and what's left of her dignity."

She laughed as she looped her hands around his neck. They lost themselves in their kiss; silent, breathy, deep, passionate enough to be beautiful but not vulgar.

"Christ," Tucker chuckled, jutting his chin toward the kissing couple on the couch. "They don't care where the hell they are, do they?"

"They never really did," Cassidy said, bringing a glass of soda to his lips, silently wishing it was a beer. "They have this rule...nothing comes before them or the kids." He smirked. "Kinda sweet when you think about it, I mean...I can't imagine putting anything before Nicki, and with the baby on the way, I…" he cleared his throat, emotion building. "Wow, that's a new feeling, there." He put a hand over his heart. "I didn't feel like this...well, I guess because I knew they weren't mine." He looked down, sadly, remembering a few years of his life that he'd rather forget. "When you know you're gonna be a father, that...hits pretty hard."

Tucker nodded and exhaled harshly. "Tell me about it," he said. "At least you got time, man. Tori's gonna pop any day now, I'm in a constant state of panic."

"Oh, you put that so eloquently," Victoria came up behind him and elbowed him in the side. "I'm ready to pop? Nice. I never heard my brother say…"

"Because Liv isn't a balloon," Elliot mumbled, still kissing his wife, proving they weren't as oblivious as people believed.

There were short laughs and then Ed turned to his wife. "Sorry, honey," he said, kissing her sweetly.

"Just teasing you," she replied, kissing him back. "Answer this for me, because it's been bugging me for a while. You're heading up the internal affairs bureau, right?"

Tucker blinked at her. "If you're just realizing this now…"

She slapped him in the arm and rolled her eyes. "Jeez," she huffed, watching him chuckle. "My question...none of this is getting anyone into any deep sh…" she looked at the kids, pressed her lips together briefly and then said, "Deep doo-doo?" She reached behind her to the table of food and grabbed two celery sticks, dipped them in cranberry sauce, and chomped on one. She chewed as she asked, "Cragen being Elliot's father and his boss? That's gotta be a pretty big no-no. You married a cop's sister, a detective under your purview. That's not raising any red flags at One-P-P?"

"It was," Tucker sighed, and then he noticed what she was eating. "What, uh...when you have the baby, that's gonna stop right? The eating weird shit?"

"She's done that since we were kids," Elliot chimed in again, now pulling himself away from his wife. He grabbed his empty glass and moved toward the chatting group. "When the rest of the food comes out, watch what she does with the turkey and creamed onions." He made a face, sticking his tongue out, and poked his sister in the very round belly.

Tori swatted at Elliot's hand and looked back at her husband. "Okay, so what do you mean it was? It's not now?"

"What my slightly green looking brother-in-law is trying to say," Elliot laughed, pouring himself another glass of eggnog, "Is that he had not one, not two, but three separate teams sent into the unit to formally evaluate us. He made us all jump through hoops, sit through inquisitions, and we were shadowed by an arrogant fuckwad from his office for a week. He backed off once we proved that personal relationships didn't get in the way of how we worked…" he stopped, remembering a time when he was so angry at Cragen he stopped talking to him. "Or how we didn't work." He shrugged and grabbed a handful of crackers, a few cubes of cheese, and carrot sticks. He set it all out on a paper plate, kissed his sister on the cheek, and said, "And trust me, how he feels about you has very little effect on how he feels about me." He whistled as he strutted back toward the couch, handing his wife the plate of snacks and sitting closer to her than he was before.

Cassidy watched as Lizzie and Dickie ran over to their mother, eagerly taking the carrot sticks off of the plate. Dickie sat on his mother's lap, Lizzie on her father's, and the four of them peered down at the puzzle, taking turns finding and connecting pieces. "How," he whispered to himself. "How does something like that happen when you're a kid and still…"

"My brother and Liv have never been kids," Nicole wrapped her arms around Brian. "They had a lot in common, things no one else would understand, or could even try to, so their bond...what they have with each other is so spectacularly special, that they make it impossible to consider it normal." She kissed him. "We'll never have exactly that, but I love what we do have."

Brian smirked and kissed her deeply, physically agreeing with her.

"Ew," an annoyed voice spat.

"Be nice to your aunt and uncle," Joey said, laughing at Maureen's reaction to seeing his sister and her fiance kiss. He struggled to balance himself with his arms full of gifts and carrying his son. "Sorry we're late," he said, moving further into the room. He dropped his two large bags of gifts down next to the others near the tree, set Ethan in the playpen with Eli, then smacked Elliot in the back of the head as he bent to kiss Olivia and the twins on the cheek. "Where's Ma?"

"Kitchen with Pop," Elliot answered. "Where's Megan?"

"Cancun," Joey said with an odd look in his eyes. He leaned closer to his brother. "She, uh, lied to me for a while. To all of us. When I asked her to come to spend Christmas with us, she freaked out, had to tell me the truth. Dude, she's only twenty-two and a senior in college, and is currently partying it up in Mexico with her sorority sisters." He shuddered but then he smirked. "Am I the man, or what?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and moved another puzzle piece into place. "Why did she lie to you in the first place? Eight years isn't a huge difference."

"She didn't want me to think she was too young to be...potentially...one day...a stepmother," Joey told her. "I said...I know how great she is with the girls, how awesome she is with Ethan, and if my age doesn't bother her why should hers bother me, right?" He exhaled and said, "We're gonna see what happens when she gets back from…"

The doorbell rang, stopping Joey from talking, and Brian moved to answer it. He opened it, raised both brows, but held out his hand to shake Frank Malone's hand. There was a sordid history there, but not bad blood, after all. "Come on in, it's good to see you guys." He kissed Rita on the cheek and stepped aside to let them in, but stopped when he looked at the woman following them through the door. "You're not Kathy," he pointed to her and tilted his head.

"No," the young brunette woman said, looking around as she took off her gloves. "I'm looking for Joey Stabler? Is he…"

"Meg?" Joey ran to the door, his heart nearly stopping. He stared at her, wide-eyed, and he sputtered a bit as he asked, "What are you doing here? I thought you were going…"

"I realized," Megan said, taking a step closer to him, "That I would really rather be here for Christmas. With you. I'm sorry I didn't…"

Her apology went unheard as Joey moved to kiss her. They were still locked in the embrace, conveniently situated under the mistletoe, when another person walked through the open door.

Brain cleared his throat, scratched behind his ear, and said, "You...uh, you are Kathy."

Kathy looked at him, and then at Joey and Megan, and then she shook her head. "Merry Christmas," she spat, pushing her way through the foyer to the living room, hating her parents for convincing her to join the family for Christmas.

Elliot watched her move like a blur into the kitchen and he shook his head. "Yikes," he said, and he leaned back, popping a piece of cheese into his mouth. He looked over at Olivia, who'd settled the twins back on the carpet. He smiled, reached out a hand, and smoothed her hair back. He let his fingers glide down to her neck, and he squinted, noticing something. "You, uh, you haven't taken this off," he said, slipping his finger under a silver chain. "Not once."

She smiled as she grabbed the key-shaped pendant between her fingers and slid it up and down the chain. "No," she sighed. "When you gave this to me…" she bit her lip. "My life changed that night. Everything was falling apart around me, I had no idea what my future was gonna hold," she looked at him. "But you put this around my neck, and I knew that no matter what happened...I would always have you." She dropped her head forward and kissed him. "And I know you still have the lock on your keychain." She kissed him again.

He nodded as he pried her lips apart to deepen the kiss, making it last as long as they could. When they heard footsteps coming nearer, they pulled apart. Elliot was first to his feet with a bright smile. He shook Frank's hand and gave Rita a small hug. Olivia stood, then, getting a hug and a kiss on the cheek from both of the Malones. "She's right over there," Olivia said with a beaming grin when Rita asked where the newest little Stabler was.

Elliot crossed his arms and couldn't help but smile while he watched his wife pick Mia up and hand her to Rita. The Malones, like his own parents, had taken to Olivia quickly and filled only a small part of the space left in her life. Ever since Frank Malone drove out to pick them up after a nearly fatal accident in high school, he and Rita had been a permanent fixture in their lives. He exhaled, then, feeling a pair of eyes boring into the side of his head. "Don't look at me like that," he said. "I can't help the relationship we have with your parents, and you can't blame me for whatever it is you did to piss them off this time."

Kathy shook her head. "I was just...I was gonna tell you that...she looks great." She held s hand out gesturing to Olivia. "I know you can tell me it's the job, her addiction to the gym, her addiction to you…" she smirked. "But she does not look like she just had a baby. Ethan's almost six months old and I still look eight months pregnant."

Elliot had to laugh. "No, you...you look great." He turned back to look at Olivia, scraping his teeth over his bottom lip. He brushed his arms down the sleeves of his red sweater, exhaled slowly, and said, "It is the job, the gym, and yeah...we work up quite a sweat every night, but it's just her genes. She's always just…" he made a narrowing motion with his hands.

"Every night?" Kathy raised an eyebrow.

"You've spent weeks at a time with us, Kath," Elliot reminded her. "Every night." He nodded once and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Most of the time, more than once."

"You never told me," Kathy sighed, sitting on the arm of the couch, "What your first time with her was like. I mean, Joey told you all about the clumsy mess we made of things the first time," she laughed. "But neither of you ever…"

"No, we didn't," he interrupted with a shrug. "And we won't. That's something that...God, that night is always gonna be just between us." His face took on a serene expression, there was a light in his eyes Kathy'd never seen before, and his smile was almost angelic. "No one gets the details of that, that's ours."

"Wow," Kathy breathed, and she swallowed a formed lump in her throat. "Um, that's...wow, Elliot." She took a deep breath. "I never apologized. For any of it."

"Because you aren't sorry," Elliot told her, though his smile never faded. Thinking of the night he and Olivia made love for the first time put him in a permanent good mood. "When you realized how shitty you were to us, you were too busy hating your life to apologize." He shook his head and narrowed his eyes at her. "Don't apologize now, it's...over. In the past."

"Yeah, I just...don't want to hate her anymore, and I don't…" Kathy swiped at her eyes, refusing to cry. "I don't want to love you, anymore. Not...not in any other capacity than a friend. Ex-brother-in-law." She dragged a hand down her blue shirt, feeling how hard her heart was beating. "I don't know why I hung on so long. Maybe it's because of how things ended with Joey, or how you both let Brian back into your lives so easily, or how my parents never batted an eyelash at taking you and Olivia in like their own kids while they completely disowned me. Maybe it's because I know...it was all my fault. All of it."

"You made mistakes," Elliot whispered to her, and he glanced at his nieces who were helping the twins put their puzzle together. "We all do."

Kathy scoffed. "Tell me one mistake you made, Elliot." She folded her arms and then held one hand out in a sweeping gesture at the playpen and the other kids. "These kids of yours, every one of them was planned. You and Olivia set goals and followed through on every single one of them. How is any…"

"I didn't say my mistakes were made with Liv," he bit his lip as his eyes darkened suddenly. " should have…" he put a palm out. "Don't take this the wrong way, okay? I should have broken up with you in our sophomore year, when I knew I loved her. I should have been there for her, gotten her away from her mother long before…" his voice cracked and broke on the last word. He cleared his throat and stopped the urge to cry before it hit completely. "I blame myself for what happened, and not just because it's actually my fault."

"What?" Kathy huffed. "You did everything you could, you sacrificed your own happiness, things you wanted...you are the reason she's alive, and the reason you have those four beautiful babies." She turned fully toward him. "Don't blame yourself for not doing something sooner, because you did something as soon as you could."

Elliot smiled and sniffled, nodding at her. "Hey," he laughed. "Thanks for that." He laid a hand on her shoulder, squeezed, and then moved away from her to head where he felt he needed to be, beside Olivia.

Kathy smiled as she watched him take the baby from her mother. She laughed at the overly happy faces Olivia and Elliot made at the tiny girl as they each wrapped one arm around her, and she sighed when they kissed.

"Maybe you're growing up after all," Frank's voice snapped into his daughter's thoughts. He waited until she looked at him, hugged her tightly, and said, "That was a good thing you did."

Kathy nodded. "Long overdue," she said, exhaling. She heard Cragen and Bernie coming out of the kitchen, bringing the rest of the food, and she swore to herself she would be happy and enjoy the family Christmas.

Something, though, would almost ruin it all.

A/N: What happens? Where are FIn and Munch? And someone goes into labor the day after Christmas!