Chapter Thirty, Trust, Part 2
Josh chuckled in amusement as he observed her panicked face.
"Sorry, did I scare you?"
"Um...yeah..." Maya muttered as she tried to calm her racing heart. For a moment, she had thought...that he knew...because why else would he show up unexpectedly in her room at 11:20pm at night? This was his first time ever doing something like that. She had been terrified for a second that Andrew had told him everything...
"Sorry Ferret, I didn't mean to scare you..." Josh murmured as he walked closer and sat down on the bed across from her. "You were just so absorbed in your laptop, you didn't even notice me coming in," He grinned amusedly at her.
"Josh, what are you doing here? It's...it's late..." Maya murmured as she ran her hand through her hair nervously.
"I know...um...sorry...I...I called you like three times..." He explained. "I actually thought you were sleeping and that's why you weren't responding this whole time, but...I guess you were awake..." His voice trailed off as he waited for her to respond. When he realized she wasn't going to after a few awkward seconds of silence, he resumed speaking. "I started to get worried when I didn't hear from you...so I...uh...decided to come and check on you in person..." He couldn't help observing her strange body language as he spoke. He could tell she wasn't feeling at ease with his presence...it was almost like she was nervous, but he couldn't figure out why.
Feeling uncomfortable with his intense gaze, Maya broke eye-contact with him and stared down at her lap.
"Are you okay, Maya? Is something wrong?" Josh asked her. "I mean, I know you're not feeling well so, maybe that's it?"
"Um...yeah...you should go Josh," She stated as she continued to avoid eye contact with him. "It's late. I'm gonna try and get some sleep now..."
"Riles said you think you have the flu? Have you taken any medicine?" He asked her.
Maya shook her head. "Not yet. I'm just gonna rest tonight and hopefully I should be fine. I don't think it's anything super serious...but I don't want you to catch it so...um...you should go..."
"Oh ok, that's good. But I see you're trying real hard to get rid of me..." He gave her a teasing grin. "Um...I'm gonna stay here with you...until you fall sleep. Ok? Then I'll leave you alone, I promise. Maybe, we can cuddle?" He suggested with a warm smile.
Maya felt her heart racing. She wanted to do that more than anything...to bury herself in his arms and allow all her worries, fears and insecurities to dissipate like the wind...but she was afraid. She was afraid of what she had seen at the parade between him and Anna...she was afraid of what it all meant for their relationship...she was afraid of losing him...of him finding out that she was there...spying on him and his ex-girlfriend...there was no way she could be near him because she knew he would notice right away that something was wrong...
"It's okay, Josh...I...uh...I really need to sleep...I'm tired...I'll...I'll talk to you tomorrow...ok?" She mumbled in a shaky tone.
Something's definitely wrong, Josh thought as he felt a cold chill run down his spine. Since when did she say no to cuddling? Is she mad at me? Is this because I met up with Anna? But she was ok with it! She told me she was! Why would she be mad now?
His mind was racing.
"Sweetheart, you never say no to cuddling...are...are you mad at me, Maya?" He asked her softly as he inched closer to her on the bed. He felt his heart drop as she shifted slightly away from him. His suspicions were confirmed. She was upset with him.
"Maya," He muttered her name softly. "Baby, please...talk to me...tell me what I've done wrong."
Maya felt frustrated tears gathering in her eyes. How could she possibly tell him what was wrong without also revealing the truth of her whereabouts that night? She was in a conundrum.
"Look, Maya, I don't wanna try and read your mind because I can't..." Josh murmured in a frustrated tone, "but is it because of me and Anna tonight? Are you upset because of that? Because nothing happened. We met up...we chatted for like five minutes...and that was it. She left with her friends and I hung out with Drew and Jas. Ok, Babe? That's all that happened..."
Maya felt a strong surge of adrenaline and anger coursing through her when she heard that.
"Really? Are you sure about that?" She questioned him in a heated tone. She realized that she was encroaching on dangerous territory, but after hearing his innocent, simple account of what had transpired between him and his ex-girlfriend, she just didn't care anymore to hide her truth.
"Of course, I'm sure!" Josh immediately protested. "Maya, what's going on? Why are you acting this way? I thought you said you trusted me?"
Trust...did she trust him? Could she trust him? Could she trust anyone? She wanted to so badly...but was she even capable of it?
She buried her face in her hands as she felt her body shaking.
"Oh my God, Maya, are you ok?" Josh cried out in alarm as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. Maya felt her body calming down almost as soon as he touched her. She could smell his cologne. It had an instantaneous soothing effect. She felt her panic dissipating as her body melted into his.
Josh was immensely relieved that she wasn't resisting his presence anymore. He kissed her head tenderly before burying his face in her hair. For a moment, they sat peacefully, wrapped in each other's arms and inhaling each other's presence. For a brief moment, they were both...happy...they were at peace...
"Baby, I'll never hurt you," Josh whispered into the silence. "You've gotta trust me, Maya."
Maya felt a tear slowly trickling down her cheek.
That word again...trust...she wanted to trust him...she wanted things to work...she loved him so much...
"Truth time," She muttered as she released herself from his arms and faced him.
Josh felt his heart racing as he gazed into her fierce, fiery blue eyes.
"It's truth time," She repeated. "We are both going to tell each other the complete truth, Josh...no more hiding, no more lies, no more sugarcoating. Ok?"
Josh nodded solemnly. "Ok," He murmured.
Maya took in a deep breath. Her heart was pounding. It was now or never. She didn't want to hide anymore.
"I followed you, Josh...to the parade," She stated.
Holy crap, Josh thought in shock as he felt his head exploding. Did she say what he thought she just said? He must have misheard her.
"Wait, what? What do you mean by you followed me?"
Maya sighed as she rubbed her face with her hand nervously before facing him again.
"I mean that I followed you Josh...in secret...to the parade. I'm so sorry...I...uh...I shouldn't have done it...I don't know why I did it...I guess..." She paused to wipe away her tears before she continued speaking. "I guess, I was scared..." She sighed. "When I saw Anna's messages, I...I could tell that she still wasn't over you...she wouldn't keep reaching out to you like that if she was..."
"You know, it's kinda funny," She continued. "Now that I think about it actually...when you asked me if you could meet up with her, of course I wanted to say 'hell naw, aint no way you meeting up with your ex. You must be outta your damn mind. Boy bye.'"
Josh couldn't help smiling softly when he heard her speak in her sassy, "New York" accent.
"That's what I wanted to say," Maya continued as she shook her head in disappointment at her actions earlier that night. "But I told myself that I didn't want to be a 'crazy, jealous girlfriend.' I told myself that I was confident and secure and that I trusted you so I could handle it. I was scared as hell. But I didn't want to tell you what to do Josh. I didn't want to be the one telling you that you couldn't do something that you clearly wanted to do. I wanted to show you that I was all grown up and mature now...I didn't want you to think that I was...you know...a bossy, crazy, jealous girlfriend...so I lied...I told you it was all okay...but the joke's on me cos guess what?! You left and then I followed your ass to the parade! Hello! Crazy, paranoid, jealous girlfriend coming through! Now how hilarious is that?!" She grinned in amusement as she shook her head again. "Oh my God...I'm so messed up...I don't even know why you're here Josh...I don't even know why you're with me..." She wiped away a few more lingering tears.
Josh could almost feel her heart breaking in that moment. As he gazed at her sobbing quietly, he was filled with a strong desire to fix things, once and for all, between them. Clearly, she had forgotten who she was...it was time for him to remind her.
"Now, that doesn't sound like the Maya Hart that I fell in love with," He stated.
Maya glanced at him in surprise when she heard him use her previous surname.
"The Maya Hart that I fell in love with was extremely confident," Josh continued with a wide smile. "She didn't hesitate for a second to say how she felt about anything. She didn't give a damn what anybody thought. Three years older? Her best friend's uncle? Screw that! She knew what she wanted, and she went for it. And yeah, she made a lot of mistakes along the way...but she had always been sure about one thing...that there was this strong, inexplicable attraction that she felt towards Joshua Matthews...maybe it was because she had known him since she was a kid so there was this automatic sense of security she felt with him that she had never really felt with any other boy, or maybe because she was practically a member of his family...or maybe it was a combination of all those things...whatever it was, she felt it and she wasn't going to deny it and she definitely didn't give a crap how he felt or thought about her...he was gonna know that she liked him goshdarnnit!"
Maya giggled softly as she listened to him.
"Now that's the Maya Hart that I fell in love with," Josh continued as he gazed fondly at her. "She would have never thought for a second that she wasn't good enough for Joshua Matthews. Hell naw."
Maya felt her heart swelling at his words.
"She would have thought that she was the perfect girl for him. And she would have tied him down, with a gun pointed to his head" - Maya burst out laughing when she heard that - "...and told him straight to his face that she was the right girl for him and he would be out of his damn mind to even think about being with anyone else...boy bye!"
Maya burst out laughing again. Josh grinned as he listened to her laughter. For a moment, all was right in his world. She was happy. And that was enough for him. He waited for her laughter to cease before he continued.
"Now, Joshua Matthews is kinda slow...unfortunately...so yeah, it took him a while...but eventually, he realized that he liked his niece's crazy, short, feisty blonde friend all along. After all, he had known her as a kid...he had spent time with her...she had shared some of her secrets with him...she had told him about her broken family...her fears...her hopes and dreams...she would talk about how she wanted to live in a big house with a white picket fence just like ours...she never really talked about having a family of her own which is something a lot of little girls would daydream about...but she knew that she, Riley and her Mom were going to live together in her big house...and she told Joshua Matthews that he couldn't live there cos you know, no boys allowed, but he could definitely visit her and Riley whenever he wanted...she wouldn't mind that at all..." He smiled softly as he thought of the memory.
Maya was shocked. "Oh my God, I told you all of that?" She asked him.
"Yeah, you did," Josh grinned. "You were too young to remember probably, but I do...I remember a lotta things you said cos I just thought 'this chick is cray cray.'"
Maya laughed.
"But you were interesting, and you were so damn energetic, and I had never met anyone like you...so of course I was drawn to you. Back then, at 9, 10, 11, I didn't have a clue what I was feeling. How could I? But I do now..." Josh stated.
His voice trailed off as he moved closer to her and traced her face affectionately with his index finger. Maya felt her heart pounding as she gazed into his eyes.
"You're so beautiful, Maya," He whispered to her as he paused his finger at her lips. Maya felt her heart melting.
"I have never felt for anyone the way I feel about you Maya and that's my God-honesttruth," He told her passionately. "I have dated around, I have had crushes, I've had my share of fun...I had a serious friendship and relationship with Anna in high school...I cared a lot about her...I still do...the friendship she and I shared...it was special...we had so much in common...And perhaps, if you hadn't come along...if I had never met you...she and I...we would probably be giving our relationship another shot right now...because the history and the attachment would already be there..."
He sighed as he brushed his hand slowly through his hair and thought carefully of his next words. "It's truth time so I'm not gonna hide anything from you, Maya..." He took a deep breath before he continued speaking. "Anna said something tonight that shook me inside because she had never said anything like that to me since we broke up all these years..."
Maya felt her heart pounding as she listened to him. She remembered watching them from a distance at the parade and seeing the dynamic change in their interaction. Anna had started crying as she said something to him and as she walked away, Josh started crying as well. She rarely saw him cry. Even when his father died, he had tried to stay strong after his initial "freak-out" moment in the hospital when he saw his father's dead body for the first time.
To see him actually cry as he watched his ex-girlfriend walk away from him...it was devastating for her...for the first time ever in their short relationship, it dawned on her so strongly that she had lost him to Anna because she still had his heart...
She had no idea what they had spoken about in that intense moment, but if his ex-girlfriend, whom he had supposedly broken up with because he wasn't in love with her, could make him cry in a five minute conversation, then what hope did she have? How could she ever be enough for him?! How could she possibly compete with all the history they shared? They had slept together for goodness' sake! He had lost his virginity to her. She couldn't begin to fathom the kind of timeless bond that an intimate act like that could ultimately create between them...
So, as she stood there, in the middle of the crowd, feeling utterly helpless, stupid and paralyzed, Maya could feel all her insecurities, her fears and her worst-case scenarios suffocating her...it was in that moment that she regretted having followed him. Ignorance truly was bliss. In that horrifying moment, she wished that she had never seen anything at all.
But now, here he was telling her about what happened in that fateful moment between him and Anna. She held her breath as she listened to him.
"She told me that I was the 'one who got away'..." Josh told her."She said she knew we could never be friends like we used to be, but that she'd still like to keep in touch...and to check in on me because she still cared a lot about me..." His voice trailed off as he remembered the pain in Anna's eyes. "Um...I started crying when she said that because the pain and hurt in her voice...it reminded me of our breakup and all the pain I caused her in the past..." Josh shut his eyes as he tried to rid himself of the ever-present memories. "I remember her telling me how she had loved me so much and she pretended that I loved her just as much even though she knew that in reality, I just wasn't there..." His eyes were filling with tears. He slowly wiped them away.
"We already spoke about this before but...I hurt her a lot that day, Maya...I almost destroyed her...and it's the memory of that...it's when I remember all thepain that I caused her...that's what makes me cry..." He murmured. "I know you probably saw me cry, and I know you probably started freaking out about us, and about my feelings for you...right?"
Maya gulped as she nodded in response.
Josh smiled. "I get it," He retorted. "If I were in your shoes Maya, and if you had a complicated past with an ex-boyfriend, I would probably feel just as insecure as you if you guys ever met up...so I understand. But you've gotta understand that me crying in that moment with Anna, and me crying now even as I tell you what happened- has nothing to do with me still having feelings for her. I'm not in love with Anna...I was never in love with her. I loved her. There's a difference. I care about her now. I would have loved to stay friends with her after the break up because we were really good friends...but I hurt her too much and she loved me too much to go back to just being friends..."
"Even now...after all these years...she's still hurting every time she sees me or talks to me...that's what makes me cry because she was my Riley and I almost destroyed her...it's something that's going to take a long time for me to get over...and to not feel guilty about anymore...you get what I'm saying?"
Maya nodded solemnly as she felt her eyes filling with tears. She finally understood the nature of his relationship with Anna, and the bond that he still had with her.
"There's nothing like having a pure, uncomplicated friendship with someone that you just click with so much...it's almost just as intimate, or probably even more so, than a romantic relationship...you get what I'm saying?" Josh asked her.
Maya nodded.
"I thought you would, because of you and Riley- your friendship," Josh smiled. "Anna and I had that- notice my emphasis on the past tense. You and I, we have that now- present tense. And this evening, after I left the parade, I had a moment where I knew I had to decide for myself which way I wanted to go. I had two choices...I could either live in the past and keep going back to that...or I could live in the present and stay right where I am...I also thought about my future...I...um...I thought of the little blonde girl in pigtails sitting in my tree-house, yapping on and on about her big house, and a white picket fence where she would live with her Mommy and her best friend, Riley...I thought of how excited she was...the hope that filled her big blue eyes as she saw her bright, happy future unfolding right before her eyes...and then I thought of the day when we..." He paused as he covered his tear-filled eyes. He could no longer stop them from flowing. They were trickling down his cheeks like a waterfall and he could barely compose himself.
"Oh Josh..." Maya murmured as she approached him and embraced him tightly. She couldn't control her tears either. They were both an emotional mess as they held on to each other for dear life.
"Sorry...um..." Josh muttered as he disengaged himself from her embrace and wiped away his tears. "I'm a lil drunk...had a lot more beers than usual for a Monday night..." He chuckled. "I get all emotional and reflective when I get drunk...so bear with me..."
Maya giggled.
"What I was trying to say is that I thought of the day when I first told you that I loved you," He stated.
Maya understood right away why he had started crying. That had also been the day of his father's death.
"You told me that you loved me too, and you said you would love me forever," Josh whispered as he gazed into her eyes. "I remember your exact words.'I love you too, Josh...and I promise you that I always will.'" He paused to wipe away more tears. "Later on, when I found out that Dad had died...I would think about that moment between us, and what you said...you have no idea how much you helped me get through that moment, Maya...you have no idea how much your love means to me...and you have no idea how much I love you...I thought of my future tonight...and all I could see was you...I didn't see Anna...I only saw you..."
Maya felt her eyes watering.
"I believe in God Maya," Josh continued. "You already know that. And I believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't think it's a coincidence that God brought you into my life and into my family...the impact that you've had in our family...the happiness that you've brought everyone in the family- especially, Riley, when you became her best friend...and Shawn when he finally got the daughter and the family that he had always wanted..."
"What I'm trying to say is that you're a blessing, Maya," He smiled warmly at her. "So, I never want you to think that you don't deserve me- cos we both know I'm a complete idiot, I'm really not that much of a prize. I chose you-scratch that-we both chose each other-on June 25 at Six Flags, and we're not going back on that choice. You hear me?"
Maya nodded with a wide smile. She was shaking as she continued to listen to him.
"We started walking from the tree-house- you and I, way back then, and we're gonna keep on walking- together through life. Ok, Baby?"
Maya grinned as she wiped a tear from her eye. "Yep," She whispered softly.
"Anna and I...I'm finally leaving that in the past...I'm letting it go," Josh informed her in a decisive tone. "I'm not going to meet up with her anymore and I won't stay in touch with her either. I think that's for the best. She needs to move on...and so do I...so, that's that..."
Maya felt her heart pounding as she listened to him. She felt a huge wave of relief wash over her. She was calm...everything within her was finally calm.
"You have nothing to worry about Lil Ferret. Ok?" Josh stated as he moved closer to her and caressed her face gently with his hand. "I love you, and I'm not going anywhere...unless you want me to. Alright?"
Maya beamed as she slowly nodded.
"But, you've gotta trust me Maya..."Josh told her. "I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm pretty disappointed you lied to me and then secretly followed me, instead of being honest with me about how you truly felt about me meeting Anna. That hurts a lot that you couldn't trust me enough to be honest with me about your true feelings..."
"I'm so sorry, Josh."
"I forgive you," Josh immediately responded. "But we need to trust each other Maya from now on. I'm not gonna hide anything, and you won't hide anything either. Let's do our best to stick to that. Otherwise, if we keep playing these kind of games, we are going to destroy our relationship, and we won't be able to blame anybody but ourselves...you get what I'm saying?"
"Yeah," Maya nodded.
"Ok cool," Josh retorted as he gently wrapped her in a warm embrace. "You feeling better now, Sweetheart?" He asked her. "Was that enough truth-time for you?"
Maya giggled as she buried her face in his chest. "I think that was enough truth-time for a whole freaking year," She joked.
Josh laughed. "I think you're right," He retorted. "That was a long ass convo."
Maya grinned as she observed him curiously. "So...you're like drunk right now? Cos you're acting pretty sober. I don't get it."
Josh chuckled. "I'm just a lil tipsy. Not like drunk drunk...Obviously, I couldn't do that cos I had to take Auggie trick o' treating, remember?"
"Oh yeah," Maya responded. "That would have been hilarious though. Maybe, you should have gotten wasted. 'Hello losers! Give my nephew some candy now or I'mma puke all over your apartment. Happy Halloweeeeen!' That would have been interesting to see."
Josh laughed.
"Let's cuddle, Boing," Maya murmured as she laid down on the bed and signaled for him to lie down next to her. She pulled up her comforter so that it was covering both of them and buried herself in his arms. Josh felt his heart racing as he wrapped his arm securely around her and gazed into her eyes. He couldn't stop smiling at the gorgeous creature before him.
"I love you, Baby," He whispered softly.
"I love you too, Baby," Maya responded with a warm smile.
"I probably should have asked this question earlier, but there's no chance your Dad is gonna walk in anytime soon is there?" Josh asked her in a worried tone.
Maya giggled in immense amusement. Poor boy, she thought. He's looking so scared.
"Don't worry, Boing," She reassured him. "If this was any other day, I woulda been scared for ya. But they think I'm spending the night at Riley's. They don't know I'm in here cos I got in through my window. So we're good."
"Ok great," Josh retorted with a wide smile.
"By the way, I'm cutting school tomorrow. Cos you know, 'I'm sick'" She told him with a mischievous grin.
Josh shook his head at her in amusement. "So that whole being sick thing was a lie?Unbelievable. I knew there was something fishy going on...especially when you just weren't picking up my calls..."
Maya grinned. "Hihihi. I'm slick like that Boing," She retorted with an evil grin. "Anyway, I cancelled on Ryan- you know the exhibit-"
"That's the smartest thing you did all day, girl," Josh teased her.
Maya giggled. "Anywho, so yeah, maybe we could do something!" She stated excitedly.
"Sure," Josh retorted with an excited grin. "What would you like to do?"
"Hmmm..." Maya intoned. "How about we try dancing again!"
"We can't go to another club, Maya," Josh stated.
"I know! Duh! Believe it or not,I learned my lesson the first time," Maya retorted. "They have restaurants where you can dance, you know? Maybe we could go there?"
"We could..."Josh responded, "or maybe we could just dance in my apartment...after we make dinner..."
"Ouuuu..." Maya intoned. "But...is Shawn gonna let us do that is the question..."
"Well, I don't see why he won't cos we can only have one date in my apartment every month, remember? And today is the last day of October, so tomorrow is November 1st! So, yeah, he has to let us cos that will be our November apartment date."
"Oh yeah!" Maya stated excitedly. "Great point, Boing! You're so smart! No wonder I like ya!"
Josh grinned.
"Anyways," He continued, "I have speakers, so I'll just set them up and we can dance to whatever music you want Senorita..."
"Yayy...Ay caramba!" Maya retorted with an excited grin.
Josh laughed. "You're so cute," He whispered.
"Gracias!" She responded in Spanish as she batted her eyelashes at him flirtatiously. "Kiss me, Boing," She ordered him. "Besame," She repeated in Spanish.
Josh grinned as he leaned in slowly towards her. He had certainly been waiting a while for this moment. "Si, Senorita," He whispered before capturing her lips in his.
Kermit: HoneyBun, I'm so sorry for not responding this whole time. I've gone through a lot the past month, and I didn't want to bother you with it. Yes, I am still alive. I have been enrolled in an experimental drug treatment for my illness. The doctors think it's working so far. There were some complications in the past month, but things have gotten better. I'll call you tomorrow so we can talk some more. I was glad to see you are willing to come to my house. I would like to invite you for Thanksgiving Maya, if you would like to spend it with my family, and your family. Let's discuss tomorrow. I would very much like to see you, but it is up to you whatever you would like to do. Will call you tomorrow, and afterwards, I'll reach out to your mother as well. I love you, my HoneyBun. Sleep well. [Tues, 1:35 AM. SMS]