AN: Happy holidays to all who celebrate. I tried to time this to actually release it on Christmas Eve, but edits happened, along with the chaos of hosting family this time of year. I hope you all enjoy, and a Happy New Year to all!

Chapter 38: Home for the Holidays

Tris POV

My childhood home has always smelled the same around Christmas, and this Christmas Eve is no different. The smells of freshly baked cookies, cakes and pies permeates the air, and the sounds of my children laughing and singing with their grandparents is like music to my ears. It's been too long since I've felt content, and the warmth of my parents love for my children has blanketed me ever since stepping foot inside their home this morning.

Dropping the kids off this morning was easy enough, neither of my parents questioned Eric's absence since they knew that Jack Kang was trying to rush both Millicent's testimony, as well as Emily and David's before the holidays to hopefully bring some sort of closure to the chaos that has plagued our city and our family. I was unable to attend either trial in any sort of official capacity, however most trials in Candor are open to the public and I was able to attend both the broadcast of Millicent and the in-person testimony.

"Mama, look, Santa." Harper says as she shows me a decorated cookie. Her little apron is covered in various shades of icing, and she has speckles of flour in her hastily tied up pigtails, but her wide grin makes up for the mess I know we'll need to clean.

"I see him!" I exclaim. "How he will love this cookie when he comes tonight."

Harper grins as she scampers off to the kitchen. Watching my almost three year old twins and their grandparents sitting together decorating cookies brings back all of the memories of Caleb and me doing the same thing every Christmas Eve. Back in those days, my father's position in the government was completely different, yet he seemed to always have something that weighed heavily and kept him at work late hours. Ever since Marcus' execution, and my father's subsequent promotion to head leader of Abnegation, his stress and workload practically tripled. It wasn't until his heart attack after the twins' first birthday that my father began to truly scale back his presence and responsibilities at work, switching the Abnegation government into less of the hub of Chicago and more of an equal part of the city's faction government. Gone were the days of every decision ultimately being up to Abnegation, and in its place was a functioning committee where every faction's branch was an equal say in how the city would be run.

Spencer giggles from his play mat on the floor, and I watch as he entertains himself with the many lighted toys my parents have kept in their home for the children.

The trials today were incredibly frustrating, more so because of Millicent. Her doctors would not allow for her to be injected with truth serum due to her advanced stage cancer, so her testimony was partially combative and partially informative, however no one knows how truthful she was actually being. Millicent readily admitted planting the devices in our apartment, with the help of her husband and daughter. She also admitted a deep disgust of her youngest son and his involvement in bringing her sister to justice. In Millicent's eyes, Eric was to blame for her sister Jeanine's death, and no matter how many times she tried she couldn't bring herself to truly forgive him for it.

David, while still recovering from surgery, was cleared for truth serum and his testimony proved to be more informative, and very hurtful. David has a deep-seeded hatred and disappointment in both of his sons, Ethan simply for his choice to defect to Amity, and Eric for both his defection to Dauntless and his choice to go against Jeanine. David was able to confirm that Millicent had made a copy of our house key, provided the copy to Emily and David and also provided them with the intricate wiring and devices to completely bug our apartment. While I already knew about these devices, hearing about them was difficult, and it made me realize just how stupid I had been to trust Millicent. David detailed the conversations he had listened to, and how through our personal moments at our home he was able to learn more about our dynamic as a family, and our jobs within leadership. He knew exactly when we would have troops out in Amity, and where they would be, which is why it always seemed like the factionless were a step ahead of us at all times.

Emily's testimony was the most shocking of all, when under truth serum she admitted to disagreeing with her parents' plans wholeheartedly, however she was being driven to a point of almost brainwash to cooperate with them. Emily was the person who was tasked with going through hours of recordings from inside of our apartment, and during this time she realized that the brother she was taught to hate was nothing like her parents had described. She learned he was a loving, family man and through our personal conversations she learned about how deeply he was hurt by his family turning their back on them. Emily began splicing together conversations to throw David and Millicent off the trail, and she was able to keep our family as safe as possible for a long time. What no one realized is that without her editing skills, it would have been incredibly easy for Millicent or David to have hurt Eric, myself or our children years ago. Emily Coulter, the sister-in-law I had never met, had done everything she could to protect our family all while making her parents believe she was still a willing participant in their revolution.

Millicent and David have both been sentenced to death for their roles in the attacks on the city of Chicago, and Emily's fate was left up to Dauntless. While I desperately wanted to know what was decided, my current status prevented me from participating in any discussions related to her.

"Penny for your thoughts?" My father says while scooping Spencer up from his spot on the floor and sitting down in his armchair with the cooing baby grabbing at his apron and laughing.

"I was just thinking about how many Christmases Caleb and I sat at that table making cookies with you and mom." I reply with a smile.

"Those were some of our happiest memories." He agrees. "I just wish that Caleb, Cara and Danny could be here tonight."

"Me too. Did they make it to Milwaukee safely?" I ask. Cara's parents had left Chicago after the war, deciding to head out to one of the other developed cities that was not too far away from their children. Cara, Caleb and Daniel had made the drive out there to spend the holidays with them. I know that Christina, Will, Ava and Charlotte had already made it out there as well.

"Yes, everyone is safe and sound." He nods. "Tris, I wanted to ask how you are handling everything that has been brought to light with the capture and testimonies of the elder Coulters."

"And my involvement with Millicent." I add. My father looks sharply at me but doesn't reply. "Dad, I know you are disappointed in me, and I wish I had made more informed decisions back then." I sigh.

"You had absolutely no idea Beatrice. None. That was established during your testimony." He argues.

"However, I did know that my husband wanted nothing to do with her." I reply.

"How is Eric handling all of this?" He counters.

I sit back on the couch and take a deep breath, unsure of how to answer my father's question. A quick knock on the door breaks me from my thoughts and I glance over at my father before getting up to answer the door. I am completely surprised to see Eric standing there, bundled in his coat, holding a potted poinsettia plant.

"Your father… he was talking with me today at the trial and he spoke about dinner tonight as if he was unaware of anything… and I didn't know what to say or do…" He rambles. I step out to the porch and close the door behind myself.

"Why come here? Why?" I ask. I'm at a loss for any other words. My assumption that my estranged husband is both too angry and too hurt to be around me is dissipating.

"My mother is dead." He blurts.

"What? They executed her already? I thought they were waiting until after the holidays…"

"She died. Naturally. The cancer. They say that she had asked for me, and I didn't go." He rambles. "I should care that my mother is dead, but I don't. I won't care when they execute my father either. Maybe I really am a heartless bastard. I just wanted to be here, with your parents, with our children, with Max and Dana, and with you. I wanted to be here Tris. This is where we are every Christmas, and I wanted to be here with you. With people who love me…" His voice catches and I choke back tears of my own. "With people who loved me at some point. With my family."

"I'm so sorry." I choke out. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about her. I'm sorry I ever trusted her to be sincere when we lost Gunnar. I'm sorry for everything Eric."

The door behind us is opened, and my father and our whining baby boy pop their heads out.

"I think he's hungry Beatrice. Oh Eric, come inside, it's freezing out there. The twins and Natalie are still decorating cookies." He says as he opens the door wider to let us in. I grab Spencer from his arms and watch as the twins run straight to their father, excitedly pulling him to the kitchen table to show off their handiwork.

I walk upstairs with Spencer to try to give us a bit of privacy so I can feed him in peace. He's past due for a nap, so hopefully the quiet and familiarity of the designated room that Tucker, Danny and Spencer share will lull him to sleep. I can hear the commotion downstairs that indicates the arrival of Max and Dana, so I shut the door behind me to drown out the noise.

Spencer's sleepy grey eyes follow me as he latches on and I smile at him. He's the perfect little clone of his father with his long dark blond lashes and fine curly hair to match.

Eric. He's here. He's lost his mother, he knows his father will be executed before the end of the year, and he learned that his sister may not have been the monster we'd believed. Instead of him rejecting my father's reminder of dinner tonight, he came, and seems to hold absolutely no malice towards me. Is it just an act to get us through the holiday season before we tell our families?

The slight creak of the door opening causes Spencer to stir slightly and I take the time to burp him as Eric joins us in the room.

"Sorry, I didn't think he'd be sleeping." He whispers. I nod my head and coax a burp out of our son before gently laying him in his crib.

We slip out of the room and head across the hall to Caleb's old room, which is Harper's current room. Eric follows me without any prompting and he closes the door behind us.

"If you think it would be better for me to go, I will." He offers.

"What? No." I shake my head. "I just didn't think you'd want to be here." I notice his scowl at my words and I shake my head again. "No, not that way. Because of me, Eric. You filed for divorce. I just thought…well… I just thought what I'd done was unforgivable."

"The only thing I've wanted was to have a conversation with you Tris. I just wanted to hear your side, without having to witness your testimony. I feel like I deserve to hear more than what the rest of the city heard. I'm your husband. I feel like I deserve that bit of respect."

I nod my head. "Yes, that is fair."

"Are you afraid of me?" He asks.

"No." I reply quietly. "I'm ashamed." I take a deep breath before continuing, pausing to gather my thoughts. "Saying I made a poor decision is such an understatement. When you and I separated after losing Gunnar, I felt like such a burden to our friends. Millicent reaches out, and I was desperate for any connection to you. I'm my own mind, I felt like mending the relationship between your mother and you would help you find your way back. You needed to heal, we both did, and I felt like I had lost you. I was terrified that you and I would never find our way. We lost our first born, and I already knew that most couples don't make it back from that. So she was there, and she was so kind and understanding. But then she was just gone again. It was a slow transition at first, where she didn't call as much or answer when I called her. Then she started making excuses as to why she couldn't come here, or why I couldn't meet her. Then suddenly, she's just gone. Her number changed and my emails went unanswered. I was embarrassed then, without ever knowing the depth of her deception, and I buried it. I wanted to forget that I ever let her in. I spoke to Taryn around that time, and found out that Millicent had stopped talking to them as well, and it deeply hurt Jasmine and Ellie. I decided to let her go, and when she reached out again when I was pregnant with Spencer I already knew I wanted nothing to do with her. When you agreed, it was done, and I didn't feel it was necessary to discuss her further. I just wanted to forget her. I knew she was never a loving mother to you, but I never knew she was capable of such evil."

"I just don't understand why you felt like you couldn't tell me." He replies.

"Eric, have you ever waited for what you felt was the right moment to share information?" He nods and I continue. "Then, you wait so long that the moment has passed. And it feels like you are trying to find a way to interject this old information into a current conversation. It just never fit, and to be honest I wanted to just forget it. I had hoped we'd never have to talk about it again. I know that goes against everything we've worked so hard to build, but I wanted to just let it go. That day when Edgar Powell said that I was Millicent's source of information it felt like my world was crumbling down around me. I knew then and there it was true, and that I was the cause of so much trauma to our family."

"I can try to understand it now that you put it that way. It's similar to some of the things I've done in the past." He says quietly. "Tris, I need you to make me understand why you were hiding a pregnancy from me."

"Oh no, I didn't know for sure. Part of the standard questions that I needed to answer before going under truth serum was if there was a chance of pregnancy. I wanted to answer no, but with my irregular periods while breastfeeding Spencer I couldn't provide the date of my last cycle. They gave me the standard pregnancy test and it came up positive." I explain. "I'm only seven weeks, Marlene confirmed it when I got back to Dauntless."

He doesn't say anything, and I can see just how tired he is. His hair is shaggy and curly, and his beard has grown out. He has dark circles under his eyes and there's a slight air of defeat. This isn't the fearless Eric who leads our faction. This is a man who is suffering.

"Eric, I don't want to divorce you, and I'm not afraid of you. I just thought I had hurt you to the point of no return. I am a coward."

"You avoided me Tris. You wouldn't talk. You resigned via a fucking letter." His voice raises slightly but he stops talking and takes a deep breath. "You signed those stupid papers without as much as a comment. I don't want to divorce you. I filed because we couldn't talk to each other. I wanted to make you talk to me, and a lot of good it did since you just signed them and dropped them off like it was a grocery list." He replies angrily.

"I was wrong. I was so wrong." I reply, unable to form any further words before finally breaking down. I feel his strong arms wrap around me and I sob into his chest. He rubs circles on my back and I feel him press a kiss to the top of my head before resting his head there.

"Do you think there is any way you'll be able to forgive me?" I finally ask.

"I'm working on it." He nods against me. "I will definitely need some time to process everything, but that doesn't mean I don't want you Tris. I want you with me, and I want our family. I didn't file the papers, I had no intention of doing so."

"What happens next?" I ask.

"Let's go downstairs and be with our family." He replies. When I make no effort to move he speaks again. "I know we have a lot more to talk through, but I can't right now Tris. I'm still processing what you told me, along with everything else that has happened today."

"I am so sorry, for what I've done and for what you're going through. There just aren't the right words to properly express myself right now."

"Tris, just tell me you still want this. That you want us, and our growing family. We can figure out the rest along the way." He replies.

My heart breaks for my husband when I realize just how broken he is. "Of course I want you. I love you Eric. You are the absolute love of my life. Our family is everything to me." I reply through rogue tears.

"We'll get through this, I promise you." He replies.

I nod and open the door and we both head down the stairs and towards the happy sounds coming from our blended family. The twins are helping set the table, while Dana and my mother finish up the last touches on the dinner stew that has become a favorite. I join them in the kitchen, leaving the men to work on bringing the extra chairs in from their various spots in the house. When my mother begins to help set up the twins tiny dining set, Dana pulls me aside and the look of concern on her face is unmistakable.

"Is everything ok?" She asks.

"We talked. It's going to take time. Eric is very guarded right now, and he's also hurting. His mother died before he left Candor today." I whisper.

"The cancer." Dana states and I nod. "He's been very strong, throughout all of this, but we've been worried about him."

I watch him across the room, and to most people he looks almost relaxed, but to me I can almost feel the anxiety vibrating off of him. I watch as he bundles Tucker and Harper up so that they can join the "grown-ups" in gathering more wood from outside for the fire place. Eric meets my eyes and shares a small grin before walking outside with the twins, my father and Max.

Dinner itself seems to pass in a blur, with conversation easily flowing, and Max doing his best to keep Eric's spirits up. It appears that at least some sort of conversation had been had while everyone was outside, because my father's curiosity over Eric's well-being has been replaced by both him and Max being very attentive to Eric's mood today.

The men, Tucker included, take over cleaning duty in the kitchen after dinner, while my mother, Dana, Harper and I relax. The twins are so excited to open the presents under the tree, so they are hyper focused in getting the chores completed. I head up to check on Spencer after hearing him cooing from the baby monitor and am surprised when my mother joins me.

"Tris, please forgive my intrusion but I wanted to check on you. Eric and you seem troubled, and your father and I are worried." She explains.

I work on changing Spencer's diaper as I reply. "I should have told you. He and I have been living separately ever since my arrest. Today is actually the first time we have talked since then." I admit.

"Oh Beatrice." She says softly. "I knew something seemed out of sorts but I didn't want to pry."

"No, its fine mom, I really did want to talk about it, just not in front of the twins. Eric and I have agreed to work through this together. It was a blessing that Dad got him here today." I explain. Spencer reaches for my mom and she scoops him into her arms. "We talked when we were up here earlier putting Spencer down for his nap. He's dealing with a lot right now, and I have certainly caused a lot of his pain. We have agreed that we are going to work through this together."

"That's good, I am proud of the two of you for being able to set aside any differences and come together as a family." She replies.

"There's a lot that will be changing. I've stepped down from my leadership position. Eric and I haven't talked about that yet, and I am almost positive he believes that was a decision made when we were unsure of our future, but I have decided that I want something that will allow me more time with our children. I love working in the government, but having us both in leadership causes a pretty big strain on our relationship, and it takes both of us away from our children for long periods when there are times of unrest. It was a little easier with the twins in preschool this year, but when we have two at home again and two in school it's still going to be a lot to juggle." I explain.

"Two… are you expecting again?" She asks.

"We are, I just found out. I'm measuring between seven and eight weeks." I reply and I can see the concern in my mother's eyes. "We're going to be ok mom."

"I know you will. The two of you have something special." She says with a smile.

After talking a little longer we descend downstairs, where the overly excited and anxious twins are waiting to begin opening their presents. Eric is already sitting on the floor, with Spencer's play mat ready for him, so I join him and lay our baby down to give him a chance to play. We watch as Harper and Tucker open their presents, exclaiming over the dolls, cars and the soft homemade blankets my mom made. We are all touched to receive homemade quilts, knowing how much effort it took for my mother to make each item. We spend hours laughing, talking and sharing our own Christmas experiences from our childhood, and finally bid our farewells once the kids are completely worn out.

Once we're back in Dauntless, Max and Eric exchange a short, private conversation before he helps me get all of the sleeping children out of the SUV. When I begin to make my way towards Max and Dana's, I feel Eric's hand on my arm stopping me.

"Come home." He says quietly.

"Are you sure?" I ask tentatively. He nods his head, careful not to wake the sleeping twin he has tucked into each arm.

I follow behind, holding Spencer to my chest. Eric guides me through unlocking the new sophisticated electronic lock and when I step inside of our apartment it is like stepping inside an entirely new home. The entire lower floor has been made into an open concept, with clean sight lines throughout, and he was even thoughtful enough to make our upstairs loft both childproof and clear with sight lines downstairs as well. I lay Spencer down in his crib, and then grab Tucker from Eric's arms so I can take him to his room. I realize that Eric had the contractors assemble the beds we had picked out for each twin, and I notice that he must have gone out and bought them new bedding as well. Tucker has a theme with cars, and the comforter is soft and cozy. After getting him settled in I peek in on Harper and see she also has new bedding, with her favorite unicorns.

Eric makes us some hot cocoa, and I take the time to really get a good look around the apartment. I know they had to tear the entire structure down to the studs to sweep thoroughly for the hidden audio equipment, so Eric must have decided to have them leave some of the choppy walls down, opening up the space immensely. The upstairs loft area was always dangerous for small children, and as a result it was left empty, but now with the safety barrier he had installed, that is completely glass or at least some sort of glass-type component, we can finally use the space.

"I had them turn our formal dining room into a home office so we could be at home more with the kids. If we were to now move our home office up there, we can use that room as a bedroom for Spencer, and that would free up the nursery for the baby. I'd just need the contractors to come install a proper closet in there." He says.

He hands me a cup of cocoa and gestures for me to follow him down a short hallway off of our kitchen, which leads to our laundry room, another bathroom and the newly created home office.

"Could we have them join the two hallways somehow? That way Spencer doesn't end up feeling isolated from Harper, Tucker and the baby once they're a bit older? With our master suite already on the opposite side of the apartment, I don't want Spencer to feel like he's on an island."

"Or the kids to argue over who gets the isolated room once they are teenagers." He says with a chuckle.

"That too." I nod.

"I'll call them after the holidays. Shouldn't be a terribly difficult design, we may just need to bunk with Max and Dana again for a few days." He replies.

"Eric… this all feels so business-like and awkward…do you want to talk about today? You lost your mother…"

"Tris, I am trying here, please can we just make it through the holidays?" He asks. "Tucker and Harper are old enough now to be aware of anything unusual between us, and we've already had to make excuses as to why we've been living apart. We have our apartment back, and they can finally wake up on Christmas morning to their whole family being together, please."

"But then what? We keep sweeping this under the rug and pretending it didn't happen?" I ask.

"We will deal with it, but not right now." He replies with a tone of finality before walking out of the room.

I watch his retreating figure as he walks into the bathroom and closes the door behind him. There's a feeling of dread that I've been trying to push away ever since the discovery of the listening devices, and I had a temporary reprieve from while at my parents, but it's back in full force, and I don't know what I can do to fix this.