Chapter 39.
It was just after 3 am and Cas was still in the library, pretending to read. His head was full of confusion. He both wanted and dreaded some share in Dean's dreams. The key around his neck felt heavier than it should and the chain rubbed on his skin. He wanted to take it off, but he could not. He let himself feel the power surrounding it, the feeling of the selfless love of a good man, a man whose name he had not found in any of the books he had looked in. The energy, though, did not feel deceptive. It felt pure and honest and kind. In the midst of his discomfort, it felt as if Rhydian were reaching out to him, offering him some peace.
Unexpectedly, a mug appeared in front of him on the table and Jules sat down opposite him with a mug of her own. "You looked like you might need coffee." she said.
"That was kind of you." he said.
"I hope I made it right." she said.
"There's no wrong way to make coffee." he said. He took a sip. "And that's perfect."
"You're looking very anxious for someone who has a birthday party to look forward to." she said, "Are you worried about the party? Because people like you a lot, Cas. You have a lot of friends here, not just the Winchesters."
Her smile was warm. He liked her a lot. He could understand why Dean was so attracted to her. "The party will be good." he said, "Sarah gave me some clothes to wear."
"I really want to meet Sarah. She sounds lovely."
"She is." said Cas, "You two have a lot in common. I think you will be friends."
"We will." said Jules, "So if it's not the party, what is it. I know you think I won't understand. I can't fathom angelic problems, but I'm a great listener."
"Don't think that." said Cas, "In truth, you probably understand it all a lot better than I do. It's just not entirely my story to tell and that means I have to handle it alone." He saw a look in her eyes he couldn't quite interpret. He hoped he hadn't offended her.
"Is that why you spend so much time on your own?" she said.
"I try not to get in the way." he said.
She smiled at him again. "You're never in the way. You've helped me a lot with my Enochian. The Winchesters rely on you a lot."
"Ask Dean sometime how many times I've let them down."
"Dean doesn't seem the type to forgive someone who always lets him down." she said.
"Dean is very tolerant." said Cas.
Jack came in. "Tomorrow, after Dean and I have helped Sarah set things up for the party, Sam and I are taking you out."
"Out as in out of the bunker or out as in the way gangsters do it?" said Cas.
Jules laughed. "You're funny." she said.
He smiled. "I am?"
Jack had an odd smile on his face. "I'll go somewhere else."
"How's Dean?" said Cas.
"We left him to sleep." said Jack, "I think I'll watch some Netflix."
When he'd gone, Cas said, "Sorry about Jack. He can be a little socially awkward."
"It can't be easy." she said, "It's good that he has you to guide him. You must understand better than anyone. It's not always easy for you either, is it?"
"It would be a lot harder without Sam and Dean." said Cas. He took another sip of his coffee. "Harder without you too." he said, "Working with you is very rewarding."
"I like working with you, Cas." she said, "And whatever's on your mind, I hope it works out for you. If you ever decide you can talk about it, I'll always listen."
"I've made mistakes. I've been selfish. I should be glad about something good happening for someone I care about, but I keep thinking too much about myself."
"Feelings are complicated." she said.
"I can know the interactions of every particle in every sun in the universe, but human emotions confuse me all the time."
"They confuse us too." said Jules, "Anyone who tells you they have it all figured out is a liar. We're all just floundering through life, hoping we don't mess up too badly."
"That's a reassuring thought." he said.
"And I don't think you've been selfish. I think you just think any thought spent on yourself is inherently selfish. People like you ... "
"I'm not people. Not even close."
"You're people to me." she said, "People like you always put others first. You don't know how to be selfish."
"Dean's right about you. You are special. I'm very glad that we are friends. We are friends, aren't we?"
"Of course we are." she said, "We're good friends."
"If I could talk about it, I'd tell you everything." he said.
"That's a sweet thing to say." she said.
"Do you like cowboy hats?" he asked.
She smiled. "I think I'll love anything you wear."
"Even if I wore this coat?" he said.
She patted his sleeve. "I like the coat. The coat is very Castiel."
"And that's a good thing?"
"That's a great thing." she said.