faute de mieux='for want of something better' according to the A Word A Day email I received on 14/1/2020
Sitting at his desk in his office, Sosuke was deep in thought as he tapped his pen quietly against his paper, thinking of the precise words to write. Still, he kept one ear on the door-he had put up his do-not-disturb sign up, but it was always better to be safer than to be sorry.
After all, that was why he was writing this.
"Yes."
The word seemed louder than it could actually have been, coming from Mihoko. It produced an almost unnatural hush, which fell across the whole room and seemed to freeze them all. Knowing what this group were like, Sosuke had expected there to be an outcry, a flurry of protest or rage or something. He had expected certain people amongst them to simply walk out. But instead, for this long moment there was nothing. Just this hush, and all of them, looking at each other, their expressions a mix of all sorts of feelings, but with one common denominator:
They were all in it for the long haul.
Sosuke normally had no problem with silence. He could wait it out, and eventually the other, lesser, person would cave. But this went on for too long, and eventually, much to his chagrin, he had to be the lesser person, and say:
"Well then, how are we going to do this?"
Some of them blinked, as if coming out of a dream.
"What do you mean?" Kumori asked, tentatively.
"How, precisely, are we going to do this? Who are we aiming for specifically, when are we going to do so? What is our plan? One cannot simply make a grand, sweeping statement and then not have practicalities to back it up."
For whatever reason, this made Azuki snort derisively and mutter something inaudible but no doubt unsavoury under his breath. But Mizuki nodded, although soberly.
"You are right," she said. "We need a set plan."
"Kill the Ultimates," Shino said flippantly, her use of the American term adding an extra casualness. "Not that hard."
"Yes, but we can't just go rushing in with pitchforks screaming, can we?" Kumori asked. "It'll just be a riot again."
"No, that's right!" Kaneda exclaimed. "Maybe we need something more covert?"
"How do you kill covertly?" Yuna wanted to know.
"Disappear them, like we're secret agents or some shit?" Sho asked casually. "Get people freaked out and confused and then BAM."
"Or perhaps something like a hostage situation." Emiko suggested. "Demand reforms, or a precious SHSL dies every so often."
"That would make us terrorists." Hana observed.
"Just talking about it, we already are." Mihoko pointed out, sitting up now.
"It would be tricky, though, to take the whole school hostage, wouldn't it?" Keiko asked. "Even if it is just our side, that's a lot of students, to say nothing of the adults. And we'll have to make sure it's not on a day any siblings or anything are visiting."
"Why?" Shino side-eyed Keiko.
Sosuke found himself doing the same, wondering what she would say.
"Whatever we do, we can't have children getting involved."
"Riiiiiiggghhhhht."
"So, we're doing a few, but who? Like, the worst ones?" Emiko asked.
"Define worst." Sosuke said quickly.
"Presumably Kishitani-sama, and possibly her brother too? And then some of the faces in the videos." Kumori answered instantly.
"One of them was Mawa-chan's brother." Minah spoke up.
Shino gave her a look.
"Yeah, and?"
"No, just…."
Minah was looking incredibly uncomfortable, and now Sosuke discreetly side-eyed her, wondering what it was she was thinking, exactly. It was interesting that she was even still here, what with her taekwondo tenets.
"It's the system that we're attacking though," Kaneda said. "Right?"
"The likes of the people mentioned are the problem with the system though," Mizuki pointed out. "What other alternative is there?"
"Like it or not, we are all part of the system." Sosuke said. "Well, those of us who hold titles, at least. It would not be a true attack on the system if every single person was someone who we deemed evil."
"So what, we're grabbing any old person then?" Shino asked. "Works for me."
"No, I can't."
As Sosuke wrote, he remembered how at that point Minah had finally acted more the way he'd expected, and she'd stormed out. Not that had lasted for long, but then again Keiko had gone after her, and whatever she'd said must have been convincing enough. Or maybe it was the pull of the group. Or maybe, she too was taking a safer route. After all, even if she had not come back, she would have still known too much. Then again, that didn't fit either. But either way, it does not matter. Because I know, and I am doing what needs to be done, just in case.
At this point though, there was not much to write. Only the strange, snaking directions that their resolutions had gone in, arriving only at the idea that they would select a group, roughly the size of a school class, and hold them in some sort of hostage situation with a game of some sorts. A game with the stakes of life. What this game looked like, if there'd be a possibility of winning it, how they'd even manage to get it started-they didn't have any of that yet. But what they had was enough to damn them, should they be found out.
Sosuke sighed, and reached the end. He neatly signed the letter, then folded up the sheets and slipped them in the envelope. He licked the sticky part of the envelope to seal it, and then took a strip of sellotape to seal it further. Then, he flipped it over, and carefully printed:
"To be opened only in the event of my disappearance or death, where this happens under suspicious circumstances-Sosuke Mori."
Then, he got up, crossed the room, opened his safe, and then the lockbox inside that, before placing the letter in it, and locking it all up again. Once that was done, he tidied his desk, gathered his belongings, and walked out without a backwards glance.
…
Glancing at herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth, Minah realised that she looked terrible. Her hair was messier than usual, even accounting for the fact she'd just gotten out of bed. Her expression was thin and pinched, and there were deep circles under her eyes. It was hardly surprising though, because after coming back to the dorm, she'd barely been able to sleep. She'd tried all the strategies she'd learnt for falling asleep, and not a single one had worked.
How could it have, after what had happened the day before?
I should have found a way to stop it, right there and then. I should have stayed away. Normally, she would have, and she would not have had any second thoughts, but she had stayed and she had wavered and now…what's going to happen to us? To me? The thoughts swirled around and around in her head as she went through the routine of getting ready, but as she looked at the clothes in her wardrobe and reached for her uniform, she paused, and sighed.
I can't do this. I can't just go and act as if this is a normal day.
A headache was starting to form, and she rubbed her head tiredly, abandoned her wardrobe for a moment to take a few sips from the water bottle on her bedside table, and then returned, and instead of taking out her school uniform she pulled out black yoga pants, a pale green crop top and a dark grey denim jacket. Then, she got changed, and started to comb her hair, but as she started to gather it in a ponytail, she changed her mind, and let it fall again, and then combed it back, fished around her drawers for a couple of hairslides to make a perfunctory attempt to at least have it out of her face, then put them in, leaving her hair loose. She then found a small purse, and made sure she had money and her phone. Then, with a sigh, and a plan half-forming in her mind, she left her dorm, locked the door, and started to head down.
"MINAH-CHAN!"
Minah tried her hardest not to wince as all of a sudden, she was practically glomped by Leah, Ai and Mawa.
"Oh my god, are you alright after yesterday?" she asked. "With that girl…ugh, honestly, boys are disgusting sometimes, I swear."
"Mhm…." Minah said. "Takigawa-san was quite hurt…"
"Yeah, it's understandable you'd be worried, what with her being your TEP and all." Leah nodded thoughtfully.
"Plus, that's just sick, what they did." Mawa said in disgust. "Like, I know, Reserve Course, but come on. Are you going to see her? Is that why you're not dressed for class?"
"I…yeah." Minah blinked. "I'm also going to see a doctor, myself; I have a bit of a headache."
Now, this wasn't entirely a lie, but she could hardly tell her friends that she was going to the police because she wanted to stop her other friends from doing something horrible before it was too late. That, and she felt guilty she had not thought of going to see Manaka herself.
"Oh! Why not just go to the school nurse?" Ai asked.
"I've been having something for a few day, I'd rather get it sorted out as soon as I can."
"Oh, oh, fair enough. Gotta take care of your body, right?" Ai grinned.
"We'll cover for you, too, if need be." Mawa grinned. "Right, girls?"
Leah and Ai nodded eagerly, and despite herself, Minah smiled.
"Thanks, guys."
Mawa, Leah and Ai ran off, and then Minah continued on her way, slowly and carefully, tensing as she left the building, and crossed the grounds to the gate. A few people waved, and automatically she smiled and waved back, but she kept going, and going, until finally, she was past the , she took a moment to breathe.
And then, she carried on.
…
On the way to the hospital Manaka had been admitted to, Minah stopped at a small florist's bouquet for flowers, letting them keep the change and revelling in not being recognised as either herself or even as someone from Hope's Peak. She felt as if she should try and buy something else, something better, but she realised she wasn't sure what it was that Manaka really liked. All this time spent with her, considering her something approaching a friend as well as a student, and she had no idea what an appropriate get well present was for her.
You're going, she tried to tell herself. That's the main thing. Still, there was a maelstrom of guilt in her stomach as she hopped on a bus, staring broodingly out of the window at the mid-morning quiet without really seeing any of it. By the time she actually got off in front of the hospital, she felt almost ready to fold double with the feeling of it, replaying yesterday over, and over, and over. She tried her best to keep the feeling in check as she walked inside.
The hospital was very quiet, with only one person waiting in the front waiting area, apparently content reading an e-magazine of some sort. It was clean and airy, the walls painted a refreshing pastel green, complemented by tasteful floral paintings. Putting a smile on her face, Minah walked right up to the front desk. The receptionist was on the phone, but he looked up and gave her a quick smile and indicated he'd be a few moments. Minah nodded, and waited patiently. Unfortunately, it seemed like whoever he was on the phone with could not be dealt with within a few moments, as those quickly passed and he was still trying to appeal and negotiate with whoever was on the phone-something about appointment times, was the best that Minah could decipher. Luckily for her, two nurses chose that moment to come out from one of the doors leading from the corridors, and over to the desk, and one of them spotted her.
"Oh, hello there, are you waiting for an appointment?"
Minah shook her head.
"No, but I'm coming to visit a friend of mine-Manaka Takigawa? She arrived yesterday. I wasn't sure if she would be able to have visitors but I just…"
Minah trailed off, and bit her lip. The nurse-something about the look of her made her think of Keiko- gave her a reassuring smile.
"That's fine, I can just check that for you. Sekigawa-san, I'll be back in a moment, I'm just checking something for this young lady."
"Oh, sure, sure ."
The other nurse was doing something on the computer and wasn't paying attention, but a moment after the first nurse had disappeared, she looked up, and her eyes widened.
"You're-no, you probably don't want me blethering it here, but you are…" The nurse then mouthed her name, and Minah silently nodded, automatically putting on a polite smile and preparing for what was to come.
"You know, I'm Korean, too. Zainichi, that is."
"Oh, I see." Minah said, uncertain of where this was going.
"My granddad's parents got themselves new Japanese names, and our family's been here ever since. But at home we have Korean names for each other-mine's Jin-sook. But the point is, you can imagine that sort of identity hasn't always been easy to have in this country-but Towa has always been so tolerant in comparison-my parents moved us here when we were kids because we were being bullied in our old town. Things are obviously better these days, but even so. Yet, because you've become so popular, and you're in Hope's Peak, which has always been so celebratory of difference, I think things are starting to get better in other places, too. Because others want to follow your lead."
"Oh."
Minah thought of Manaka, beaten and battered and possibly broken, and of Arashi Himekawa's recordings. That was a result purely of Hope's Peak, and there were people who thought it a symbol of tolerance and acceptance? No wonder, she thought, that Shino and Mihoko and Emiko were scornful, why Mizuki was so fire-eyed and more willing to go along with what had been decided the night before. Why they all had been. Even she, on some level, had been.
"No, I can't."
Minah stood up, aware she was shaking uncontrollably, and she stared at them. They all looked at her in concern.
"I'm so sorry. I believe in everything that you stand for, Teranaga-san and all of you. I don't want this to happen again, and I would do almost anything to stop it. But not this. You are condoning hurting other people. I need to back out. I'm sorry. I'll help you with other things, but I can't do this."
Minah looked at all of them one more time. Mizuki, Keiko, Shino, Kumori and Kaneda all, to varying degrees, seemed to be readying to protest, but before they properly could, she briskly strode to the door of the panic room and wrenched it open, stepping out and closing it behind her. She stared out at the sparse spare room, finding herself unexpectedly out of breath and taking a moment to catch it again.
And then she heard the door open again, and someone call her name.
"Kang-chan!"
Minah gave the nurse a small smile, aware she needed a response. And she supposed that in any other circumstances, this would have been one of those good moments, one of the nice things about being a celebrity.
"Thank you."
At that moment, the nurse came back, all bustles and smiles.
"Your friend is up to visitors-she is on the first floor. Shall I take you up?"
…
The room Manaka was in happened to be right at the end of a corridor, on the first floor. There was a window that people could presumably use to look into the room, but the pale blue ruffled curtains had been drawn across it. The nurse led the way, knocking and then opening the door.
"Takigawa-chan, there's a friend to see you!"
The nurse gestured to Minah to come in, and so she did. Manaka had been idly tapping away at a tablet, face pale, the various bandages making it seem paler. She was wearing pink pyjamas with rainbow stars all over them, but those couldn't quite disguise the shape of other dressings and bandages. She looked up, her gaze almost blank, but something lit up when she noticed Minah.
"Oh, hey there!" she said, only a faint glimmer of her usual cheer there.
"Has someone been in to check on you, Takigawa-chan?" the nurse briefly checked.
When Manaka simply nodded, the nurse smiled, and left them to it. There was a brief silence when they were left alone, then tiredly, Manaka gestured to the chair next to her bed.
"Come on, you may as well sit down." She said. "Also, I didn't expect you to play hooky just for me."
"Yes, well…" Minah trailed off as she obligingly sat down, handing the flowers to her. "I was worried about you."
Manaka pulled a face at that, accepting the flowers and playing with their petals idly as she spoke.
"That'd make you in a minority, then, at least at that school."
"Takigawa-"
"Look, I know you've got buddies who are supposed to be half-decent, but let's be real, they're in the minority. But it's not like it matters to me. Mum and Dad are already pulling me out of school-once I'm all healed up, they've already found me a swanky new school that'll take me. Though, they're being broad about the definition of recovery, thank goodness."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they think I'll be able to actually leave the hospital in like a week, but I've got counsellors and shit I need to see, because I am soooo traumatised."
Manaka rolled her eyes, but there was enough strain in her sarcastic laughter to make it more genuine than she wanted it to be.
"So anyway, they're just letting me 'convalesce' at home. Don't get me wrong, I have tutors and crap so I don't fall behind and have swanky new school reject me. But my parents are still being really nice to me about all this. They definitely believe me, for one thing."
Manaka did not need to say that there were plenty of parents of Reserve Course students who were as affluent, if not more so, than hers who wouldn't believe their children, even if the evidence was right in front of them. She did not need to tell Minah that, despite everything, that made her lucky.
"Are they doing anything? With the school, I mean?"
Manaka shook her head.
"They're being cagy about that, but you know what Hope's Peak is like. No way it could be their or any of their precious SHSL's faults. SHSLs are total angels, don't you know? But yeah, they basically have their hands tied there. But Dad knows one of the boy's uncles or something, so they might try and sue that family privately or something."
"That's…I'm so sorry. I can go again, talk to the Principals again, tell them what I saw. "
"You already did that, right?" Manaka asked.
Minah nodded at this, and Manaka laughed again. This time, completely bitterly.
"There you go then."
For a moment, there was a silence. Minah sighed, and looked down at her lap. Manaka continued to play with the flowers. Then, with a sigh, she leaned over to the bedside table. Minah leapt up to help her put the flowers in an empty vase, then sat back down again.
"I…we can keep trying, though." Minah said, helplessly.
That was what we were trying to do, before. She thought. And she knew that Mizuki hadn't abandoned all the other things she was trying to do to make Hope's Peak better. Neither were the others, as far as she could tell. But how did the flippancy of planning murder line up with such goals? How? She just couldn't understand it.
Minah turned to see Keiko at the doorway, looking at her almost pleadingly.
"Please don't leave, Kang-chan." Keiko said. "We don't want you to go."
"Usui-sempai, I'm sorry." Minah said, meaning it. "But I can't agree to what they're saying. Surely you can't, either?"
Keiko hesitated, then closed the door again.
"They don't mean it."
"They…don't mean it?" Minah asked, almost disbelievingly. "They sounded like they were seriously considering planning murder and trying to dress it up as a game. That's not something you say lightly."
"No, but…they are so very passionate, aren't they? Trying so hard to make a difference."
"That doesn't excuse it!"
"No, no, of course not, but they're hurting. I'm hurting. Aren't you?"
The pleading in Keiko's voice drew Minah up short for a moment, and she found she couldn't respond. Keiko took this as a moment to step closer to Minah, and take both of her hands.
"They're hurting, and they need a way to work through it. Like, venting. I'm sure that's what they're doing."
"I…that sounded serious, for venting."
"I know, I know, but. They are so passionate, aren't they? So full of feeling. It's natural that they'd do things more intensely and…well. How can we leave them, Kang-chan? They need us.I'm sure if we stick together and support each other, we'll work through it. So please stay. Please."
Minah stared at Keiko, who looked back, still pleading. She really believes this, doesn't she? She looked down at their hands, and gently pulled hers away.
"I will think about it." she said, simply. "I'll see you in school tomorrow."
Minah did her best to ignore the look on Keiko's face as she walked away. But all the same, it ate her up on the inside.
"You really are the nicest, sempai." Manaka said, bringing her back to the present once again. "Far too nice. But really, it doesn't make a difference to me anymore."
Minah opened her mouth to speak, but Manaka continued.
"I'm more worried about Asai. He was saying some stuff last night, about Hope's Peak pressuring him about his scholarship."
Minah blinked, for a moment taken aback.
"He did not mention that to me."
Manaka shook her head.
"He wouldn't have, he was pretty tight-lipped about it. But with the stuff going on with his family-he needs that scholarship. School shouldn't be fucking around with that."
"No, they shouldn't."
"But yeah, you can keep an eye on him, right? Make sure nothing happens. Maybe find out what's the deal with the pressure. You'd be able to, right?"
The first thought Minah had was that the group would practically leap on this investigation, and that they would try and make it-whatever it was-right. She so badly wanted to pass on what little information she had.
But I can't. I can't.
"I'll do what I can." She said instead.
She hated herself for lying, even more so when Manaka beamed at her gratefully. But she kept her feelings clamped down to herself as she chatted with Manaka for a few more minutes, then left the hospital and travelled to her next destination.
…
Azuki sighed as he dumped his shopping bags on his bed, and then headed straight back out again, thinking to get something to eat from the canteen. None of the snacks he already had assembled in his room really appealed to him-though, really, I should try and check those expiration dates-and he was really hungry after all that shopping. Despite the blogger lifestyle, he still remembered his early dirt-poor childhood and wasn't big into just going through clothes as if they were water. Okay, so he did often get to keep some of the snazzy things whose brands he sponsored, but still it felt a little extravagant to be buying new clothes so often. And yet, he had an image to maintain.
Pfft, I'm worrying about that of all things now? Azuki snorted to himself derisively, aware of how superficial and petty it sounded under his circumstances. But still, I would rather be worrying about things like this than...almost immediately, Azuki's mind drew to a halt, refusing to name it even in the safety of his own head. Nope, nope, nope.
To avoid as many people as possible on his way to the canteen, he took a circuitous route around the school, almost enjoying the mindless nature of ambling along corridors and up and down flights of stairs (it could also be seen as exercise, which he could pull out if ever accused of being a slob), when he almost bumped into Mizuki.
"Woah! Look where you're going!" he exclaimed, irritated. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"
Mizuki looked at him curiously.
"No, I'm fine. Where are you going?"
"Food."
"Do you want to come and meet the Reserve Course Representatives?" Mizuki asked. "They'd probably want to meet you."
"Do I look like Fumiyo at the moment?" Azuki glowered.
Mizuki raised an eyebrow.
"Then change." She said. "You could make an interesting video out of them, and besides, they have an idea I think you'd be interested. One that we'd all be interested in."
"Wait, you're not tell-"
"No, of course not." Mizuki said, sounding irritated herself now. "But it is a project that we can work on in the meantime, and if it actually bears fruit, well….you'll see what I mean, if you come."
Okay, now Azuki was more than intrigued. But at the same time, he wanted food, so he was not about to give up that easily.
"But my food."
"We have snacks."
"…."
Mizuki simply waited, patient but expectant. Eventually, Azuki sighed.
"Fine then, let me get changed at least."
"Alright then," Mizuki said, pointing. "Our room is over there, so see you in a bit."
Mizuki turned and headed down the corridor, and with a heavy sigh, wondering what he had got himself into, Azuki headed up, and quickly pulled out some of the new clothes from the bag on his bed (so much quicker than staring into his wardrobe) and changed, before making sure he was presentable enough to be Fumiyo, grabbing his camera, and heading back down again.
Once he was in the room, he introduced himself-as Fumiyo-and checked that everyone was happy with being filmed, before starting to film. He asked a few standard questions, and threw in some narration-most of it messy, but that of course was what editing and voice-overs were for. Then, he got right down to it.
"So, I've heard that you've come up with an interesting proposal? I wonder, what could it be? It all sounds rather intriguing!"
"Separating the schools." Isamu said proudly.
"What he means is, separating the courses," Kumori clarified. "That is to say, making the Reserve Course its own school, possibly on a different campus, and Hope's Peak itself reverting to simply being about the SHSLs again."
"I…wow, okay."
Azuki didn't have much of a response to this, as Fumiyo or as himself. Whatever he had been expecting, it certainly was not this.
"Essentially, we'd get to have our own proper student council, own proper principal, the teachers would actually have to be teachers, and there wouldn't be the need to have all the tensions between us." Kumori continued, clearly their spokesperson, and good at it too. "We wouldn't need to worry about being discriminated against for no good reason."
"That, and if we're not even there, the Main Course-ers can't complain about us being everywhere all the time." Suika said. "And we won't be taking up their space, because it'll be our own."
"Would you be completely breaking away from Hope's Peak?" Azuki asked curiously. "Or would you still want to be affiliated with it?"
"That, they've still been working on, but essentially what's been decided is that perhaps it could be treated like an academy chain, Hope's Peak as the first school and whatever new name the Reserve Course comes under as the second academy, if a complete separation is untenable."
"So then, what do you think, Fumi-kun?"
This was said rather challengingly by Izanagi, who came across as an extreme grump to Azuki. Not that I can blame you kid. But anyway, what do I think?
It was too soon for Azuki to really mull it over, come to any conclusions, but his initial feeling was that this made sense as an answer to all the problems that had been cropping up. And now he thought about it, wouldn't Hope's Peak like that. Spread out elsewhere, the effects of their fame could spread wider. They'd probably end up creating more schools because of it, and that would also increase their fame, broaden their horizons.
As for him, for Mizuki and Mokomichi and Kumori and Mihoko and the others of their group who weren't in the room, this was it. The perfect project to channel all those weird impulses that had been ricocheting around that small room yesterday, channel them into something that wasn't fucking murder, for crying out loud. There was no way that Mizuki wouldn't mention it to them all, no way that she wouldn't try and get them to show support for the idea, whether that was explicit or more implicit. So maybe it'd be forgotten, and it would become some kind of fever dream.
Azuki spent a little while longer talking to the Reps and recording their views, as well as their plans-which, for now, included writing a proposal, possibly designing a leaflet, and feeling out as many Reserve Course students as possible about the idea to see what they thought, so that there was at least a strong compelling motive to start something more official. He also thankfully got to eat some of the snacks that did actually exist and were not just a ruse to lure him there.
"Well then, lovelies," Azuki finished up. "Just give me the word, and I'll have this edited and up as soon as possible! Until then, merci and au revoir."
Giving his best Fumiyo-like grin, Azuki stopped recording, nodded at them all, and quickly left.
…
There was a breeze as Minah approached the street that, according to her phone, the police station was located. She steeled her shoulders, took a deep breath, and continued walking. But then, seeing it there, with the steps leading up to the sleek looking glass doors and the official sign, something made her pause. She was someone who believed fully in the police, and their role in making sure the world turned as it was meant to, in righting wrongs.
But….
Minah took a deep breath. They're just venting…Keiko had said. And though she couldn't quite believe that, at the same time, it was enough to hold her back. Nothing had been done yet, had it? Nothing finalised. But…if they do eventually do something, and I didn't step up when I could have, then am I not as much to blame as they are? And yet, Minah knew that a single instance was not enough to judge things upon. Snap judgements were never enough to really understand anything.
And it had certainly not been a snap judgement that they had made yesterday. A decision, perhaps, but the motivations behind it had been building and building and….
"Right," she murmured to herself. "Let's just take a moment…"
She looked around her, and spotted a bench across the street, at the edge of what appeared to be some sort of communal grassy area (it was too small and sparse to really be considered a park). Crossing the road quickly, she went and sat there. For a moment, she allowed herself to lean back, and close her eyes. Then, she sat up, and tried to work up…what? The courage? The motivation? The justification? Whatever it was she needed, she tried to work it up, so she could cross back the other way, walk up to the police station, and tell whoever was inside that she needed help to stop something horrible. But, every time she tried, something else or other failed her, and she ended up sitting back down. In the end, she gave up, hating herself for it, and just sat there.
The time ticked by, and she remained there, all the possibilities whirling around and around her head as the world continued to go past her. Once or twice, people gave her an odd look, but then they too moved on, carrying on with her day while she just sat there. It felt as if she'd end up frozen there forever, paralysed by a conflict she couldn't even name.
"Yo!"
Minah jumped as someone suddenly sat down next to her. She jumped, then put a hand over her heart, took a few deep breaths, and turned to see Kaneda grinning at her.
"Didn't expect to see you here!" he beamed. "What's up?"
"I….um…"
Minah felt her mouth go dry, her words disappear. Kaneda frowned at her, then gave her a grin.
"Here, I have snacks."
Minah didn't even realise she was hungry until Kaneda thrust a vending-machine packet of melon bread at her. Gratefully, she ripped it open and tucked in. Kaneda looked around him, and then his gaze rested on the police station. Minah tensed, then immediately tried to un-tense.
"My mother and father work there, you know," Kaneda said casually. "Well, they end up in the field a lot, but still."
Kaneda prattled on a little bit more about his parents' occupation, grinning all the while, before all of a sudden he tilted his head, and his expression became a lot more sombre.
"Did you go in there?"
Minah looked at him, and Kaneda looked back at her, still very serious. The seconds ticked by, and then, after swallowing a mouthful, she shook her head
"No."
"Oh, good! I knew you wouldn't! "
The sunny smile returned. But somehow, to Minah, this felt worse. Because with words like that, she knew she had lost her chance.
…
It didn't take very long for Mizuki to write up the notes from the Reserve Course Representatives meeting, not just because of Mokomichi's help and Hana's unexpectedly sharp insights, but because the plan itself was just in infancy. Much like our other plans. Speaking of which…
"Alright, I suppose we should move onto writing up yesterday." Mizuki said with a sigh. "I didn't get a chance to do it yesterday after coming home, though I do have the notes."
"Aren't the notes enough?" Hana asked.
"Not really," Mizuki said. "They're mostly rather scrambled, so if I get them into some kind of order then we know what we can do next."
"There isn't really much that can be written though, is there? We didn't really decide anything." Mokomichi said. "Not anything tangible."
"We decided we are going forward with the plan to kill, and that the plan will necessarily involve some sort of abduction first, rather than something more immediate and dramatic."
"Mostly because even for you guys, it'd be extremely hard to acquire guns." Mokomichi remarked.
"Shishikane-san's family probably could, and so could Kagane-sempai's, but that's besides the point, I think." Hana said, thoughtfully.
"I understand why Shishikane-chan, but why Kagane?" Mokomichi wanted to know.
"I think it's because his parents are with the police." Mizuki replied as she typed.
"Ahhh."
"Nonetheless, it's illegal enough as it is, what we're doing. It's probably best to not muddy the waters more." Mizuki continued.
As if kidnapping isn't also a separate atrocity on its own. A little part of her felt separated from the rest of her, watching on the side-lines, wanting to reach forward and shake her for sitting there so casually and typing notes and discussing ideas with Mokomichi and Hana as if those notes were any old meeting notes, as if this were any old TEP session.
"I don't quite understand what they all meant by a game though," Hana remarked at one point, pointing to the comments that Mizuki was typing, that had originally been made by Shino.
"I think that was them…being them…" Mizuki shrugged. "But I kind of get the idea…if we are going to go for a drawn out process, there is some value in adding a little flair, just to heighten the emotions and such."
"Heighten the emotions?" Mokomichi echoed.
Mizuki looked at him, sensing some kind of mocking in his voice. He just looked back at her, and she sighed. Hana also watched her, but was frowning slightly.
"Well, that's a dramatic way of putting it, but it's sort of the point, isn't it? Something to make them sit up and finally take notice for once."
"But like this, though…." Hana murmured.
"I know," said Mizuki. Oh, I know. "But after yesterday, I'm not so sure it's so easy to just say that."
"But you sound so…okay with it?" Hana asked.
"Of course I'm not okay with this!" Mizuki exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. "Of course I'm not…but…"
"But?" Mokomichi asked, an eyebrow raised.
Mizuki groaned, rubbed her head, trying to think of the words she needed to explain how she felt because suddenly, it felt like all of them were rushing in, heightened. But moments passed, and she admitted defeat.
"I don't know."
The words came out as almost a whisper. Mokomichi watched her carefully, while Hana looked from her to him and back again. She then checked her phone, and leapt up.
"I need to go!" she exclaimed.
"I'll let you ou-"Mizuki began to rise, but Hana shook her head.
"No, I can-"
"I need to lock the door anyway, it's okay."
Mizuki followed Hana, and allowed herself to be distracted by the process of waiting for Hana to get her bits together, saying goodbye to her, and then closing and locking the door before going back into the kitchen. She sat down on her chair heavily, and sighed. For a long moment, she just sat there, while Mokomichi waited and she tried to pull herself together. Mokomichi was calm, apparently prepared to wait however long she took, but she herself couldn't wait, and her head started to hurt.
"These are drastic measures, right?" she asked eventually, gesturing to her laptop.
Mokomichi nodded.
"Sure."
"So, if we're lucky, we won't have to do anything."
Mokomichi frowned at that, and Mizuki hurried to clarify, though even to her, the thought process was foggy. Still, it is better than nothing.
"We'll keep going with the planning, in the background of the separation plans and whatever else we are doing. Just in case it does turn out we need to go drastic. But if our other efforts have an impact, if we have an impact…..then we can pull the plug."
"I don't think some of the others will want to pull the plug."
"No. But they will. They'll have to, if things change."
Mokomichi didn't say anything to that for a long moment. Then, he nodded slowly.
"I get it." he said, slowly. "Sometimes, you need to pretend, right?"
"Pretend?"
Mizuki bristled at that, and glared at Mokomichi. He seemed unruffled as he leaned in closer, just a smidgen, but enough to make the air between them crackle with tension.
"Don't you think we're already at that point? The point of no return?"
"No." Mizuki shook her head firmly. "No. We're not. "
Another moment of silence, of crackling air. Then, the fight went out of her, and her shoulders sagged, and she found herself leaning a little too.
"I have to believe we're not." She managed to say in a whisper. "So maybe I am pretending, a little. But is that so wrong?"
"No."
The answer was so simple and direct it took Mizuki aback. She blinked, and then straightened. The moment was over.
"Well, regardless." she said, trying to go for brisk. "We shall just have to see how things play out, either way."
"Fair enough." Mokomichi shrugged, before changing the subject. "So, what are you going to say to the principals about the separation plan?"
"I'll probably just stick to a very simple email." Mizuki said, cautiously, and invite them to arrange a further discussion with me.
"But you're not asking for permission, as such?"
Mizuki shook her head.
"I guess it's more like a heads-up. I mean, in the end they have the power to decide…well, apart from their advisors, I guess. So whether it actually works in the end is down to them. But I don't want it to blindside."
"That's courteous of you."
Mizuki shrugged at that, pulling a face.
"I…well…." I need to give them a chance, at least, right? Even despite everything…"I guess this is a type of pretending, too. Because I don't think they're all bad, but they've seriously failed in living up to being good. Even if I haven't wanted to admit it."
Mokomichi didn't say anything to that. Instead, he sighed, and got up.
"Well, I'd best be off now myself, so…well. Take a break, Teranaga."
"Ah, I'll see you out."
Mizuki went to open the door for him, and waited for him to slip on his shoes and pick up his school bag. Don't go, she fought the sudden urge to say as he stepped across the doorway, but something must have shown, because when he went to wave, he paused, studied her again, then instead put a hand on her shoulder briefly, before nodding and leaving. She watched his retreating back for a moment, and then closed the door. Once it was locked, she walked back to where she had left her laptop and stared at it for a long, long time.
Pretending, huh?
Mizuki did not want to contemplate what that really meant. Right now, she was not sure she could. So, instead, she ignored Mokomichi's advice, and went straight back to work.