Do not worry, I have not abandoned this story. But sometimes life and work are busy, and I don't get paid to do this. So until FanFic pays my salary, there may be a few times in which a delay happens.

Now, back to Tuckson business.

Chapter 39

Olivia unlocked her apartment door, keeping the phone wedged between her ear and her shoulder, and she smiled as she heard Ed's voice answer.

"Hey" she cooed, finally opening the door and dropping her bag. She did a quick scan, and seeing that she beat Noah and Lucy home, toed off her boots and collapsed on the couch. "Good day. I'm cleared to go back."

"I'm sure you're happy about that," Ed rasped into the phone. Olivia smiled hearing his voice, but she could sense hesitation.

"I am," she said slowly. "I'm concerned…about you."

"You mean Emma?"

"Her too," Olivia said. Her smile was still soft but she began to pick at the material on her pants as they spoke. "We haven't been able to be all together since…"

"I know."

"I get you don't know what to do just yet…"

"Liv, I…"

"It's okay Ed."

"It's not."

There was a pause on the phone. Olivia could hear footsteps outside in the hall and realized their time was limited.

"We'll figure it out," she finally said softly. "Lucy is back with Noah. Can I call you later?"

"Lookin' forward to it."

"Great."

"Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Olivia smiled at his words as she heard her front door open. "I love you too," she said quickly, ending the call and opening her arms to catch her incoming son.

"Mommy!"

"Hi sweetie," she cooed, kissing his mop of brown hair and glancing up at Lucy. "What did you do today?"

Noah pulled back with wide eyes and began to jabber words Olivia could mostly understand, his hands flying around as he explained his day of day care and an impromptu gym trip with Lucy to run around.

"Thanks for taking him," Olivia said. "He's been cooped up with all of this winter weather."

"No problem," Lucy replied. "He was so funny when we walked in. Usually he's a little clingy at first, but he tossed me his shoes and ran off. I was an afterthought from there."

Olivia laughed and pulled Noah into her lap. "He's been more independent recently," she said softly, playing with his hair. It was a weird combination of pride and sadness as she thought about Noah growing up. "Over the last few months, at least," she added. "His life is more….full. If that's the right word for it."

Lucy tentatively sat in the arm chair by the couch and leaned forward a bit, eyeing her boss and the woman who had become a friend and support system for her over the last couple of years.

"Olivia, I'm really sorry about…"

"No," Olivia said, cutting her off quickly. "You don't have to be sorry. That…was a freak incident. And you did the right thing."

"But…"

Olivia shook her head and reached out for Lucy's hand giving it a squeeze. "It all worked out," she said with a shrug, but then let out a little laugh. "Well, sort of. But it was still the right thing to do. Don't ever question bringing something like that to me."

Lucy nodded, but Olivia could tell she wasn't quite soothed. There was likely nothing she could say or do to alleviate the guilt completely, but she went for one more attempt. Noah climbed down from her lap and she eyed him lovingly before turning back to Lucy. "If you hadn't said something and if I hadn't gone over there," she began, before her voice got softer, "those kids would likely be dead…"

"I just hate what happened to you," she whispered. "And what's happened since…"

"I do too," Olivia whispered. "But hopefully things can smooth out."

Lucy watched Olivia's body language and could see the tension as she thought about her relationship with Ed. She could tell they were meant for each other. Even in her limited interactions with the two of them together, she could see the adoration in Ed's eyes along with the love and gratefulness in Olivia's. But she also knew it had been strained recently as she had been called in to help a little more over the last week.

"Well, I should get going," Lucy finally said, standing up and zipping her jacket. "What time in the morning?"

"It's my first day back, so I'll take him to daycare," Olivia said, before thinking a little more. She was currently Lucy's only client. "Can you get him midday again?"

Smiling, Lucy nodded and waved goodbye to Noah. "Sure thing, Olivia." As she made her way to the door, Olivia padded after her and gave her a quick hug.

"Don't beat yourself up," she said softly, before releasing Lucy and giving her a smile. "It's all okay now."

Lucy nodded, bid her goodbye, and left. Olivia locked the door behind her and wandered back into the living room, arms wrapped around her body. "Okay Noah," she said softly. "Just you and me again tonight. Movie?"

Noah looked up and pointed at his trains. "Pay, Mommy."

Chuckling, Olivia plopped down on the rug next to her son. "Whatever you want."

Glasses perched on her nose, Olivia scanned over a set of files Amanda left on her desk. Her first morning back had been relatively quiet. She conducted one interview but aside from that, was allowed time to catch up on what had been missed. For the moment, even the squad room was quiet. Fin and Carisi had taken a call, Rollins had run home to check in on her new nanny, and Dodds was hunched over his desk, presumably working. Olivia felt her stomach growl and was just beginning to think about lunch when she heard a little activity outside of her office door. Looking up, a smile spread across her face.

"Knock knock," Ed said, peering in the office and offering her a smirk. "Am I botherin' ya?"

Olivia took her glasses off and stood up, quickly making her way over to him. "Not at all," she said, kissing his cheek and ushering him in, closing the door softly. She eyed the brown bag in his hand. "You bring me lunch?"

"Sure did," he said. "Dos Toros. Maybe a little heavy but…"

"No, it sounds good," she gushed as both of them sat on her office sofa. Ed spread everything out on the little coffee table. Olivia took a bit and closed her eyes. "Perfect," she said. "How did you know I was this hungry?"

Ed looked over at her and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "I just know ya," he replied softly. "And I've missed you. And thought this was the perfect way to remedy all of those things."

Olivia's face dropped a little bit, but she tried to hide it. She should've known better. Ed Tucker could now read her like a book.

"Hey," he said softly, putting his food down. She copied his movements and turned more towards him, tucking her right leg under her body. Ed took her hands and played with her fingers. "None of this is your fault."

"I know," she whispered. "I've tried to text Emma, call her a few times. She'll at least answer the texts, but they are short."

"Probably will take time," Ed reasoned, though there was a little doubt in his tone. "It can take her a long time to process. She's…hard to get to know beyond a surface level."

"We had just gotten over that hump," Olivia lamented. "Or at least I think we had. And now…" She looked down and watching how his hands melded right in with hers. There was a rugged, reddish tone to his hands and fingers, but they were strong. Comforting. Everything she craved in a partner and never realized until Ed came into her life. Now that he was here, she never wanted to let him go. They had made it work for the last couple of years, though their relationship was not without its bumps. But this most recent issue had Olivia almost scared. "How do we fix this? Get back on track? Can…I mean, do you think we can?"

Ed's grip on her hands tightened, but he didn't answer immediately. Instead he let out a sigh, turned her hand over, and ran his thumb along her palm. "I don't know," he finally said. "I really don't. But…we will."

They sat in silence, burritos momentarily forgotten as they enjoyed being next to each other after what had been an excruciating few weeks. Eventually Ed shifted and pulled Olivia into his chest. He kissed the top of her head and held her tightly, feeling the tension in her body slowly ease.

"I promise you, Olivia," he said. His voice was still soft, but the passionate determination was evident and resonated strongly with Olivia. "I promise you."

Emma had just logged onto the NYU portal, having received notification that her admission decision was in a little earlier than usual. Most kids in her class had applied early to colleges and already had at least one answer, most acceptances as it was a highly regarded independent school in Manhattan. But Emma hadn't applied early anywhere, much to her college counselor's dismay. They had several meetings, one which included Ed, but Emma just couldn't get her mind around college. Eventually, after Ed firmly asked the school to back off a little, the counselor relented and Emma applied regular admission to her selected schools. But even then, none of the options were exciting to her.

She had received the email notification earlier that evening, but didn't bother checking. After dinner she finally became curious and snuck into her room to open her laptop.

Accepted.

Feeling an odd combination of relief and dread, Emma closed her laptop, reached for her anxiety meds, and waited a few minutes for them to kick in before she made her way back out to the living room where Ed was watching the news and looking over what Emma assumed were case files.

"Hey sweetheart," he said, closing the folders and tossing them on the coffee table. "Thought you may have turned in for the night."

"Nah," she said, sinking into the couch next to him. They were both in lounge clothes and simultaneously propped their feet up on the coffee table. "I, uh, well…I got my NYU acceptance email today."

"Emma, that's great!" Ed sat up, his smile brightening his entire face. Leaning over, he pulled Emma into a side hug and kissed her head. "I'm so proud of you," he said softly, correcting reading that his daughter was conflicted. "I know you still don't have an idea as to what you want to do. But, you pushed through, applied, and now you're in at three good schools. You have options on the table."

Emma allowed herself to stay in her father's embrace for a little while before she sat up and rubbed her face. "Yeah, I guess."

Ed leaned back into the couch cushions while still looking at Emma. "No need to make decisions now. Let yourself feel relieved. Or even excited."

Shrugging, Emma moved to pick at her purple and gray polka-dot pajama pants.

"Emma," Ed finally said after a few moments of silence. He waited until she looked back up at him. "It's okay to feel excited. To feel positive, happy things."

"Is it?" She blurted out the question before she could stop herself. "Sorry…"

"Don't apologize," Ed replied. "A lot of apologizing these days, and none of us have anything to be sorry about."

"Life is kicking my ass," Emma mumbled.

"It really is. But you're kicking it back."

"Doesn't feel that way."

"Maybe not," he said wisely. "But you are. And…you're not alone."

Emma snorted out a laugh and shook her head. "Sure."

Ed opened his mouth to continue the conversation, but Emma's phone rang. They both looked down and Nate's face popped up on caller ID.

"Oh look who has decided to actually talk to me," she mumbled, turning the phone around in her hand, debating on whether to answer. Eventually the ringing stopped, but Emma kept her eyes on the phone.

"Em…"

"Stop," she said. "I know he's dealing in his own way. I don't want a lecture right now."

Ed took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The tension between his children, between him and his children, between Olivia and Emma was becoming almost too much and he didn't know how to fix any of it. In particular, the rift between Nate and Emma kept growing. On the one hand, Ed didn't want to dictate how either of them should deal with their mother's death. He checked in with Nate regularly; he was going to his therapy appointments and his grades were holding steady. They would even have an occasional deeper conversation. But Nate did not reach out to Emma in the same way, and Emma did not reach out to him. Ed and Olivia had talked at length about this, and Olivia's hypothesis was that Nate's guilt prevented him from really being able to talk to his sister, perhaps even be around her. That he just couldn't face it yet. While Ed agreed that was likely the source, he felt strongly that enough was enough and it was time for him to step up. But the couple recognized that was easier said than done.

"Should I go out there and just talk to him?" Ed had asked on one of their late night calls.

"You could," Olivia said. "Could go really well…or blow up in your face."

"God dammit," Ed had spat and Olivia took in a sharp breath on the phone. "Sorry," he immediately said. "I'm just…frustrated."

"I know you are, babe," Olivia had soothed. "I know."

Ed continued to be lost in his thoughts when Emma's phone rang again. Groaning, Emma stood up, mumbled a "fine," and shuffled back to her room to take the call.

"Hey," she said, finally hitting that green button.

"You didn't answer earlier," Nate said, skipping the pleasantries.

"Sorry," Emma mumbled, not giving any more of an explanation. "What's up?"

"Nothing," he said simply. "Was trying to get something planned for Bailey for Valentine's Day."

Emma rolled her eyes and flopped back on her bed. "You're asking the wrong person for advice."

"No kidding," Nate muttered. "But I don't need advice. I was wondering if you could pick up a couple of things and ship them out?"

"Seriously?" Emma said, finally snapping into the phone. "You haven't talked to me at all for over a week and you want me to do you a favor for your girlfriend for Valentine's Day?"

Nate was quiet for a minute. "Well, yeah," he said softly.

Emma let out a sigh. "Fine," she said. "What do you want?"

"Those black and white cookies," he said. "They're her favorite. Sometimes that little bakery in the East Village make them into hearts."

"Sure," Emma replied, her tone flat. "I will go down to the East Village and look for heart shaped black and white cookies for your girlfriend."

The call was silent again, before Nate finally spoke. "Emma…"

"Stop," she said. "It's fine. I'll handle it."

"Okay. Thanks."

"Yeah, no problem."

Emma fidgeted, waiting for Nate to say something else but nothing ever came.

"Well, I guess I'm gonna go," she said. "I have homework to do."

"Kay," Nate replied. "Thanks again."

"Yep, see ya." Emma ended the call and flung her phone across the room and onto the beanbag chair. She rolled over on the bed and stared out the window, unsure what to make of the conversation with her brother. She felt ignored, left behind, and on her own to deal with everything in her life. The more alone she allowed herself to feel, the more she missed Olivia. She had been the one person who seemed to always ask how she was, look her in the eyes, and gently hold her up. Sure, Ed had been there as well and still was, but despite their relationship growing some, Emma still found it hard to relate to him and open up. Olivia was different. But now, Emma found herself unable to let herself go back there. It was too terrifying. Instead, she spent the rest of the evening in her room, mindlessly watching Friends and willing the tears away until she eventually fell asleep.

Benson and Dodds walked down the stairs of an Upper East Side brownstone and made a right, heading for their cruiser. A teacher had reported unusual behavior with two elementary aged twins and after some internal investigation at the school, the principal called in SVU. Amanda and Fin had gone to the school while Olivia and Mike decided to talk to the parents. Neither set of detectives found anything concrete, so while the behavior was concerning they had nothing to go on.

Olivia fell heavily into the drivers seat and rested her head briefly on the headrest. Mike got himself settled and looked over at his boss.

"Ya okay?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "I'm fine."

"You know no one believes you when you say that, right?"

Olivia let out a chuckle and rubbed her eyebrow. "Shut up," she said playfully, but made no movement to start the car and get them moving. "That case will go no where."

"Maybe there's no where for it to go," Dodds suggested. "Not every suspicious or concerning behavior signals abuse."

Olivia let that comment sit for a while before responding. "True," she said. "But…too much of this goes unseen. Is looked over. Or becomes too hard for people to keep checking on, pushing, questioning, sustain. So the abuse continues. Sometimes forever."

Mike cocked his head to the side. Olivia was passionate and had always been a warrior for victims, but her tone almost seemed resigned in that moment and that was new for him.

"Let me ask this again," he said slowly. "Are you okay?"

Olivia shot him a small smile. "I guess so," she finally said. "Just a lot going on. Up in the air."

"Emma doing okay?"

Olivia grunted a little bit and shook her head. "No," she responded. "But I wouldn't know too much. She's retreated almost completely."

Nodding, Mike finally looked out the window.

"Did she say anything to you?" Olivia finally asked, having held off as long as she could for she knew Mike would have alerted her if it was something serious.

"Not really," Mike said. "She seemed foggy, but I don't think it meant anything more than she was freezing and still pretty scared."

"I don't know what to do," Olivia mumbled. "She's right. We are both cops. That's a reality. I'm not going to stop being a cop. But…I can't….well, I want this to work with Ed."

Surprised his boss was opening up in this way, Mike sat up straight and made sure to think carefully about his words. "Well," he said slowly. "Ya know, most Lieutenants don't spend this much time in the field. And you don't have to either. You have a full squad. Let me help out more."

Olivia sighed. "I know," she finally admitted. "But this job…it's who I am."

Taking a chance, Mike responded. "It's not fully who you are anymore, though, Liv," he said cautiously, but she didn't seem to react negatively so he continued. "You have Noah. Ed. Nate and Emma. You can have…already have…a full life. And not going out into the field as much doesn't mean you aren't working, interviewing victims, supporting them and helping them. It just means, well, you might not get into as many dangerous situations."

Having laid it all out there, Mike sat back and observed the Lieutenant's reaction. She was clearly fighting an inner battle, and he could tell that he had said enough. A few minutes later she gave him a tight smile.

"Something to consider," she said, starting the car engine and throwing it into drive. "Definitely something to consider."

Ed sat at the island, waiting on Olivia's text message. He had been working hard to find some kind of Valentine's plans for them that wasn't too extravagant and didn't require too much child care, but was coming up empty. She hadn't come out and said it, but Ed could see Olivia beginning to doubt whether or not they were going to come out of this on the other side. The few times they'd been able to spend more than an hour together in the last month, he could see trepidation in her eyes. Those deep brown eyes spoke wonders to him, and he could see her desperation to keep him in her life, to not lose him. But there was also the doubt. The same doubt that Ed felt they had finally gotten beyond. Nevertheless, Ed understood because at times he caught himself feeling the same way.

Valentine's Day was now Ed's plan to wipe the doubt out of Olivia's brain. To show her, prove to her, that despite all the tension, their jobs, and the business of their lives, they were going to make this work. With the pressure he had intentionally put on himself, he definitely did not want the standard evening dinner, so he went to Emma for advice.

"I don't know," she mumbled. "Why am I making everyone's Valentine's plans?"

Ed was about to say never mind, but she changed her tune slightly.

"You don't want a show, because then you have to sit there and not talk," Emma reasoned and Ed smiled, for she was exactly right. "Dinner out is…lame. Well, it's nice but still lame."

"So far you've nixed both ideas I had," he said somewhat jokingly, but in reality she had.

Emma rolled her eyes. "You should make her dinner. At home. Candles and stuff," she suggested before shaking her head. "I can't even believe I'm having this conversation," she mumbled, but continued. "Leave Noah with me…and just stay over there for the night."

Ed, trying not to be uncomfortable at the new direction of the conversation, had to allow himself to laugh a little bit at Emma's tone.

"Would that be okay with you?"

"Sure," Emma shrugged. "Just don't forget flowers and chocolate and all that kinda shit…"

Biting his lip, Ed thought for a moment. He wasn't sure Olivia would want Noah staying with Emma alone overnight. So once Emma had retreated to her room, he sent Olivia a quick text to run the idea by her and was now awaiting the response.

Finally instead of a text tone, his phone rang. He picked up before the first ring had completed.

"Hello there," he said, his voice low, causing Olivia to have a shiver go up her spine. A text about Valentine's day, followed by his sexy tone, already had her anticipating a good night.

"Hello yourself. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Valentine's Day…this Friday," he said. "Ya free? Or do you have plans with another boyfriend."

Olivia let out a hearty laugh and Ed's heart fluttered. He loved making her laugh.

"No, my other boyfriend is busy. Have something in mind?"

Ed went on to explain the idea, but hesitated when mentioning childcare options.

"Is Emma truly okay keeping Noah?" Olivia's question was directed more towards the girl's willingness to do it, not whether something would happen. But Ed didn't realize that at first.

"I think she's fine," Ed said. "But if you're not comfortable…"

"No no," she said quickly. "That's not what I meant at all. I meant more…does she want me…and Noah…around?"

"She misses Noah and has actually expressed that," Ed responded. "And these days, I'm not sure she would've offered if it wasn't truly okay with her."

Olivia smiled and began to allow herself to be excited about an entire night alone in her bedroom with Ed Tucker and no children around to hear them.

"Well, I guess you have yourself a date, Captain," she responded and Ed was glad he was sitting down, as her voice weakened his knees.

"Good," he said. "Lookin' forward to it."