CHAPTER 33:

Striking reality

The spouses' bedroom had never been that quiet.

Jay, Zane and Lloyd had long gone speechless since Cole relayed them the tragical love story between him and the monarch. Despite the tears his words summoned on the listeners, their ears were fully focused on Cole's speech. Lloyd looked the most afflicted, rivers falling down the tanned cheeks with no sign of stopping any time soon. Zane was frozen by his side but affected as well by the sad story, wiping away crystal-like teardrops that gathered at the corners of his eyes. Jay wasn't far behind.

The noirette sniffed loudly and rubbed his wet face for the umpteenth time, resuming the final part of his speech, "Kai's parents… died a couple of weeks later in that cart accident." He muttered slowly. "We didn't reunite until after the funeral."

"How did you survive such atrocity?" Zane asked low.

Cole blinked feeling a new wave of tears rushing to his face. He took a deep breath, steeled himself and looked up at the ceiling, mentally asking the gods for enough mental strength to relive the nightmare. "The torturer… Once we were alone he couldn't go through with the orders. He pretended I was dead and took me out of the palace, brought me to his house and treated my injuries. Apparently, he'd lost a brother a long time ago that was punished for being gay as well. Said he owed it to the boy, to make things right that time."

"Thanks, Brahma," Zane mumbled, clasping his hands together in front of his lips.

"Yeah…" There was a silence in which Cole wanted to turn his neck around and search for Jay's face, but he couldn't. Now that everything was out, he felt insecure, not knowing what reaction to expect from his friends. Life had taught him not to trust people easily, and after what the last Maharaja had done to his son, he had completely lost faith in humanity for a while. If a father could turn against his own blood… would his friends do the same?

"Why didn't you tell us about this before?" Zane, who was by far the calmest of the group, asked.

Cole's head lowered again, burying in his palms. That was the golden coin question.

"Kai… was traumatized. He… He…" his voice broke, throat shutting up completely. Zane moved to kneel before him, grabbing his wrists while Cole sobbed, memories of five years ago galloping freely through his mind. "You guys can't imagine how broken he was when I saw him again… He was a… a ghost. There was no life in his face. He lost both his parents at the same time, he thought he'd lost me too, all the damn responsibilities and royal shit were shoved onto him in the span of a night. They wouldn't let him breathe for a fucking minute to just mourn and… fucking be the little boy he was, fuck!"

When Cole's hands pulled at his own hair harshly, Zane guided them away from the black mane, wrapped them in his softer pale ones and touched Cole's brow to his forehead. The man albeit collected couldn't help but shed some more tears at seeing his friend hurting so bad.

"When we reunited…" Cole resumed. "I saw it, Zane, I swear I saw it in his eyes. They had ripped his chest wide open and fucking crushed his heart with a hammer! I… He was so… so lost." Cole sobbed, letting the anxiety that had been piling up for years to flow out. "It took him so long to come back. He kept having all those emotional meltdowns and nightmares where he thought I'd die if I left his side, that someone would take me away from him and they all thought he was a fucking demon! Neither Nya or I knew what to do to help him. Then eventually he seemed to get more stable emotionally, the nightmares receded and he looked 'better' somehow. We thought talking about it would only bring back the pain and fears, and so we decided to treat that night as if it had never happened. The less we talked about it, the sooner it would disappear from our minds… from his heart. But… it didn't work..."

Zane kissed his hands and caressed Cole's cheek. "You should have told us indeed. We could have tried to help all this time."

"I know, I know… I see now how stupid that was but…" Cole groaned as he inwardly cursed his younger self. "How could I? It was so painful for us both, even for Nya, we were all fucking kids at that time. I couldn't risk hurting him again..."

Couldn't risk it, but it happened anyway because you're a dumbass.

"So… what...?" A feeble voice asked. Zane turned his neck around, staring at Lloyd. The boy was a mess, tears running freely down his face, facial muscles tight with suffering and anger. "What… does any of that have to do with what happened here the other night?" He asked, at first avoiding their eyes but then looked up at Cole and Zane, a dozen of emotions running wild behind the moist, green gems.

Cole sat up, throat working as he tried to regain control over himself. Zane stared up at him from his spot on the floor and caressed the man's knees. "I think…" He licked his lips and twisted his body, facing Lloyd more directly without abandoning the noirette. "I think what Cole is trying to say is that… the night of the party, when Jay and Kai had that altercation… Jay's actions might have somehow triggered Kai's memories from the night Cole was battered by the previous King."

••••••••••••

A shiver traveled across Jay's body and his eyes automatically shot to Zane, then to Cole who still had troubles to look at anyone but the pale blond in the eye.

His actions? What did that-

'Don't touch me with your disgusting hands, you filthy freak!'

Jay's eyes went wide with horrified realization.

"I recall Pythor's visit had left him very stressed with all those homophobic comments." Zane's words like fuel to Jay's guilt.

"Not just that," Cole added. "When I… When I barged in his room the other night I… I didn't let him talk, didn't even think about sitting down and talk about it… Fuck, he was so drunk and fucked up already and I just made it all worse attacking him as I did…"

"Cole, it wasn't your fault. You had no way to know what was his state of mind."

"It was! I… I promised him, Zane! I promised him I would protect him, that I wouldn't let anyone hurt us ever again but I- fuck! I hurt him." Cole cried out. "All this time… I thought I was doing things right but…"

"Cole, dear, don't say that." Zane guided the boy into slow and deep respiration. then waited until the boy's jitters calmed a fraction, enough to let him breathe. "How is Kai doing right now?"

Cole rubbed his nose and sniffed. "He's a mess. I think his mind is still somehow lost in the past, not sure what's real and what are just memories."

"Is Nya with him?"

"Yeah… I don't know what to do, Zane. I don't think he even remembers clearly what has been happening these days. He's so scared, so lost… like… like when I first met him and his father tried to control even his very own thoughts."

Zane took a deep breath and stayed silent, his facial expression tight with deep thinking, probably considering how should they approach this new reality Cole had presented them. His train of thoughts got interrupted when Lloyd got up from the bed and walked to the door.

"Lloyd?" Zane called out, the young blonde though didn't respond. Grabbing the doorknob he pulled the door open and exited the room in a rush.

"Lloyd!" Zane was immediately on his feet, staring preoccupied at the door. He eyed the other two boys. "I'll be right back, you stay here with Jay." Cole gave a quick nod before Zane rushed out of the chamber with a tired exhalation.

The silence around the place suddenly felt a tenfold heavier on Jay's shoulders. He looked down, eyes narrowed and brows furrowed, his adorable face worrying with a bunch of confusing thoughts.

"Jay, I'm… sorry." Cole touched his arm and Jay flinched away. The noirette was at a loss for words. Jay could feel his eyes on him, the plead in the brown orbs, the need to be forgiven.

"You think it's… my fault?" Jay finally asked. "That I… 'broke' Kai? Do you think I did that?"

"What? No, Jay, that's not what I meant at all!" Cole shifted, grabbing at the boy's legs and forcing them down so they faced each other. Jay gasped when he found himself being pulled into Cole's arms. "I'm not blaming you," Cole said looking him straight in the eyes.

"But… it was my words, right? What made him go crazy… I also hit him..."

"Jay…" Cole's grip on his forearms tightened with violent tremors. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? It was just a… host of coincidences —awful coincidences." The warrior cupped his cheeks. "I know you didn't mean to hurt him, just like Kai didn't mean to cause you any pain either. I know you must be angry at him. Hell, even at me! You've got all the right to be if you want to, but…" His throat worked again and Jay saw all of Cole's inner strength vanishing as hot tears spilled from his eyes. "Don't hate him, please… He didn't know what was happening. He's not like that..."

Memories from that night piled up inside of Jay's mind.

'But… Your Majesty, that's…'

'I am fully aware of who he is and I want him out of my sight!'

But was he? Had Kai's eyes been seeing what was really in front of him when he was almost choking Jay to death?

"I'm so sorry, Jay… I really am..." Cole's tears pulled at Jay's strings and soon both boys were crying, leaning onto each other and shaking with hopelessness. If Jay had already been confused up to that point, the horrible truth from Kai and Cole's path only made it harder to untangle the mess that were his feelings.

••••••••••••

"Lloyd! Lloyd-" Zane called out for his friend, fearing the boy would have already vacated the floor or hid inside a room, but he hadn't. Lloyd was a few meters away, standing beside a small side table in the long hallway, gripping the furniture for dear life. Zane walked up to him, the younger blonde was shaking badly and shoved him away when Zane tried to embrace him.

"Leave me alone…"

"Lloyd, dear. I know this is hard, but it is at times like this we must stay together."

Lloyd shook his head sluggishly, Zane was about to speak again when the boy leaned forward and let his face get buried in the taller boy's chest. Zane wrapped his arms around him on a motherly instinct. Lloyd's sobs came out loud and high, then his shoulders started to convulse, shakes growing more intense as the boy clutched Zane's shirt in his hands, gripping it tightly while he tried to hold back loud wails of pain.

"Sunshine, it's okay. Remember to breathe," Zane advised.

"It's not okay!" Lloyd howled brokenly, his eyes jerking up and boring holes in Zane's face for a moment. "It's... not!" His face fell on his friend's shoulder again.

A nearby guard trotted towards them, offering his help to the royal spouses. Zane dismissed him after thanking him for his concern.

"I can't, Zane… I can't with this anymore…"

Lloyd shook in his arms and Zane kissed the top of his head. "What do you mean 'you can't'?"

Lloyd's mouth opened and let out a tired, agonizing moan that got pretty much eaten up by Zane's chest, his lips closed again, no actual words coming out. Zane brushed his hand all up and down the boy's back while the other tangled in the golden locks, reaching between them to softly caress Lloyd's scalp.

••••••••••••

"I'm sorry," Cole mumbled for the umpteenth time. Jay shrugged in response, curled up against Cole's side as both boys sat on the bed, their backs resting on the headboard. Cole's arm was wrapped around him, keeping Jay close. The noirette was growing anxious, Jay could sense it in the way he caressed his arm, his calloused fingers trembled occasionally before they tightened a fraction on him then relaxed again. Lloyd and Zane had been gone for a few minutes now, their abrupt departure wreaking havoc in Cole's heart.

"What… What are you thinking?" The noirette asked fearful, breaking the deadly silence around them.

Jay leaned further on him and his shoulders lifted weakly with a second shrug. "I don't know." It was true. Jay's mind had gone blank, he just couldn't think at all.

"Jay, I swear Kai didn't mean to do that. He would never want to hurt you. He lov-" Cole cut himself before the word was out of his lips, and Jay was thankful he thought it twice before bringing up Kai's infatuation with him. "He's... sorry for what happened."

Jay shifted in their embrace, unconsciously wanting to pull away from Cole's arms, but he had missed this young man so bad that his body couldn't convince himself to get up from the bed.

"I'm not pretending what he did was right, I don't think that. But I know Kai; had he been sober and not stressed with Pythor's bullshit he would have never tried to force you or lock you up. Just like you never meant to say that stuff." Cole's free hand darted up to Jay's face, caressing his cheek. Jay though ducked his head, chin dropping to his chest as his eyelids squeezed shut.

The revelation of the true meaning behind Cole's scars had been a complete shock, Jay still couldn't wrap his mind around how much physical pain the noirette had endured in his life; being maltreated as a slave, then a soldier and then this —how was Cole even sane after something like that? But how those facts connected to Jay's own situation was what had him really on edge and confused.

His mind was a complete chaos. One moment he'd been only feeling but hate and disgust for the brunette in the other room, and now there was this sense of guilt, even pity. Jay didn't recall ever going through such a traumatic experience as Cole or Kai, but he was good enough at imagining how that must have felt. Seeing the one person you love being tortured to death in front of you —because of you— Jay wondered how anyone could come out of that.

Then he saw himself in Kai's room again, under the Maharaja's eyes full of fury and... hurt. Shivers went down Jay's spine. Kai's actions and even his words made sense now if the young king had conjured his father in Jay's form unconsciously. Even throwing him to jail had been a logic move, Jay didn't think he himself could come face to face with someone like Kai's father and not feel the urge to push them off a cliff.

His eyes came to rest on his wrist. The bandage remembering him of that bracelet and how genuine Kai had seemed when he gave him the expensive accessory, how pure his words had sounded when he thanked Jay for staying with them, when they lay together on the floor after the pillow fight, and how Jay's own heart had unexpectedly swelled with butterflies at being so close to the boy —unexpected but not totally unwelcome.

Something tiny pushed up against the whirlwind of emotions that was Jay at the moment; a small hesitant spark that wasn't strong enough to reach the surface just yet but that seemed to react at the memory of Kai lying on top of him, kissing him, wanting to love him-

Jay leaned forward like a spring, his face immediately hiding in his hands. Cole followed him startled, hugging the boy carefully.

"You okay?"

Jay's body started to tremble as the recollection of Kai on top of him moved to the front of his mind, torturing him in a new way. He heard Cole calling his name in the background but ignored the boy, the inner battle in his head was too loud at the moment. He'd been scared, he told himself. Kai had not… Kai didn't really love him, not sincerely, he just… he had only wanted to-

"Are you... m-mad at me?" Cole asked, his voice shaking with fear.

The question pulled Jay out of his haze, his hands dropped to his lap and he looked at Cole, scared chocolate orbs staring back at him.

"N-No…" His throat worked and the word pushed up his windpipe almost painfully. How could he be mad at Cole? Despite his absence, Jay knew the boy had only been trying to help him ever since he came to the palace. His memory drifted back to a month ago in this same room, when he was curled up in a corner, shaking with terror after Kai had proposed to him.

'You shouldn't use such harsh words again. They're hurtful.'

Cole hadn't just said that because he thought his family deserved to be respected, he had also warned Jay. All this time he'd tried to protect both him and Kai from hurting each other, tried to keep the family safe from an invisible threat only he had been aware of. That must had been draining.

"What about… Kai?"

Jay stiffened at the Maharaja's name. What about him? He asked himself as the answer to that question seemed to slip through his fingers like water. Could Jay look at Kai in the eyes and say he hated him? Spit at his face and snub him like the evil creature he had appeared to be the other night? Give him a taste of his own medicine? Certainly, Jay had a whole lot of reasons to do so...

Then… why was he finding it so hard? Why did his heart shrink at the idea of bringing such pain to Kai?

Because it wasn't 'him' who hurt you. A little voice said in Jay's mind.

Was that true? Was Kai as confused and scared of his own thoughts as Jay was?

••••••••••••

Jay remained speechless, which Cole didn't know how to interpret. Of course he knew Jay had all the right to be upset with all that had happened to him in the last hours, but the very idea of Jay and Kai's friendship going down the drain tore Cole's heart apart. They had been so close for a moment, Cole hadn't been oblivious to the way the two young men had acted back at the party. Jay's walls had lowered, whatever had been keeping him out of their grasp had faded for a moment and… Cole was sure the boy had been fine with it, that he'd been ready to allow all of them into his heart and accept them as his non-blood family. But it all disappeared in the blink of an eye, under an unfortunate twist of fate. If this was divine punishment for any of the horrible acts he'd had to perform in his warrior days, Cole thought it was already more than enough.

The door opened slowly and two blonds emerged behind the wooden board, one clinging tight to the other, eyes down and face somber. Jay and Cole looked at them, the noirette's eyes popping out of his head at the miserable state Lloyd was in. He got up when the boys walked towards the bed, Cole wanted to reach for his small companion but hesitated, eventually just stepping aside so Zane could guide Lloyd down on the bed next to Jay, adding a tiny kiss to his forehead.

Although there was much to be spoken yet, everyone remained silent. Cole wanted to ask about Lloyd but didn't quite know how to do it. For the first time, he was having trouble being comfortable around his own family. Earlier Lloyd had left because of him, the blond was surely upset, which Cole knew it was to be expected to some degree. He'd hidden something of vital importance to them.

Part of the reason he'd never considered sharing that damn story with them was Lloyd's own past. The boy had been abused by his parents for as long as he remembered and Cole hadn't wanted to revive such pain by talking about similar experiences in front of the poor kid.

He'd distanced from them when he stayed with Kai last night, but to Cole there had been no other choice. Kai had almost lost his mind and, had he not stayed next to his husband… who knew if Ninjago would still have a king? Sadly those facts didn't ease him at all. Lloyd, Zane and even Jay were part of his family too and this shit about 'playing sides' was tearing them apart.

Zane clutched one of Cole's hands and the noirette blinked, taken aback for a moment at the gentle touch of his friend. Zane walked away, guiding him to the door. Both spouses stood on the threshold, door partially closed only enough to allow them a small amount of privacy while still being able to keep an eye on the other boys that remained inside.

"What happened? H-how is he?" Cole asked, face masked with fear and guilt.

Next to him, Zane sighed, hand rubbing over his mouth, his stare fixed on the blonde on the bed, who remained unmoving, back curved in a depressing arch that had Lloyd's face hidden in the shadows of his bangs. The boy's 'calm' was merely a result of him having lost pretty much all his energy during his prior crying, but he wasn't calm at all, not in his mind.

"He's very confused. I think he's sad and upset, probably scared as well, all at the same time. He did not expect this. None of us did, I presume."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kept it hidden all this time but-"

"Cole, don't beat yourself." Zane touched his fingers to the young man's cheek. "You did what you thought was best at that moment."

"Yeah, but it clearly wasn't."

"That doesn't matter now," Zane said shaking his head then looked back into the room again. Lloyd had shifted, elbows sank on his knees, supporting his face. "I want you to stay with them for a while."

"What? But I have to go back to Kai-"

"Precisely." Zane took Cole's hands in his and looked at the boy in the eyes. "I need to speak to Kai, need to talk to him about what has been happening and I… think it will be more beneficial if you stay with Jay and Lloyd for now."

"Why? I know what happened, I know what Kai is going through, I can help-"

"Cole, I understand your concern. Now more than ever I get why you're always so protective over Kai, but they…" Zane glanced at their friends. "They need you just as much." Cole's breath came out shuddered and Zane didn't miss the subtle jitters in his hands.

"Are you… going to scold him?" Cole said referring to Kai. "He's barely keeping it together as it is."

"Moral lessons are not my style and you know it." Zane gave him a soft smile. "I just want to know first-hand how is he taking all of this, and perhaps I might be able to aid him someway or another. We can't let this issue get buried again in his soul."

Cole wasn't a hundred percent okay with the idea, but he nodded nevertheless. Zane was a doctor and far more educated than him.

"Why don't you take them out to the garden?" His friend suggested. "You all will benefit of some fresh air."

"But… what do I do if…? Zane, you know I'm not good when it comes to words and stuff."

Zane scooted closer to the noirette and placed a hand over his chest. "When words come from here, they're always right." Cole looked back at him, eyes filling. "Just be there for them. Share your strength, they both need it."

Cole's throat knotted and he closed his eyes before tears could rush to the surface. Pulling Zane into a hug, he kissed the boy's cheek. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

With a reassuring smile, Zane looked up at his spouse, rubbed his palms up and down Cole's strong back and placed a chaste kiss on his lips before walking down the hall to the royal bedroom.