Chapter 39: Decisions

The one thing we cannot run from is fear
Love is the one thing we cannot hide
The only thing that can truly destroy us
Is when the two collide

Terra liked to think she'd found the one mercenary on Omega she'd enjoy the company of when they brought Zaeed Massani aboard. All the gruff veteran seemed to care about was getting the job done, but he had some interesting stories to share and some skills that would prove invaluable to the mission. Maybe before this was over, she could even win him over a bit more than a paycheck.

His price involved a bit more than credits, though. A former associate, Vido Santiago, that had once tried to kill him had seized control of a refinery on Zorya and started using the workers as slave labor. That was all Terra needed to hear to adjust their course straight for the garden world in question. Everything was going well, too, until Zaeed let it get personal. Opening fire on Santiago the second he saw him was one thing. Causing a fire was quite another. It was all Terra could do not to hit him for endangering so many lives like that, but he got his comeuppance from her diverting the mission to free the workers. The unfortunate consequence of this diversion, however, was Santiago getting away.

That and a furious Zaeed immediately setting off another explosion and trapping him under a girder. "Shepard! Get me out of this thing!"

Terra didn't. "I don't think so. I don't appreciate being lied to. You said we were coming to free slaves, not for your own personal vendetta."

"Fine!" Zaeed growled, "But I can still do the job. What I was paid for—no more, no less."

Now he was talking like a mercenary. Terra wasn't having that either. "I need people I can rely on, not people only interested in credits." Then again, she had Cerberus crewmen, but she also had Garrus and now Mordin, so it was beside the point.

"You can't just leave me here!"

"So you admit you need my help now? Why don't you admit I'm the one in charge while you're at it? I get you're used to working alone, but there's more at stake here than one despicable man living another day. We need each other to pull this off. That's the only deal I'm interested in."

Zaeed was a stubborn guy. But Terra was even more hardheaded than he was when she put her mind to it. He couldn't fight her on this forever. "…you're right. I'm all in. Just get me out of here."

That she could accept. So she helped him out and led him back to the shuttle, calling their mission a success and Zaeed a full team member. Zaeed was clearly still upset his mark got away, but he was calming down with every second, as if there was a chance he could let it go, for now at least. Terra was content to believe Zaeed wouldn't prove so difficult from this point forward.

Garrus, on the other hand, she wasn't so sure about. He'd been right behind her the whole time, as usual, but he'd barely said two words for the entire mission. All through the shuttle ride back to the ship, he was looking pensively out the window. Even once they were back onboard, he stayed quiet as he went back to the crew deck. Terra figured there was something bothering him and she should give him some time to himself before checking in on him.

Next, they went to a prison ship called Purgatory to pick up a biotic by the name of Jack. Surprise, surprise, the warden turned out to be a barefaced traitor (literally, actually). The biotic herself, on the other hand, proved a force to be reckoned with, tossing swaths of mercenaries across entire deck without touching a single one and not even slowing down. It was only when Terra caught up to her and shot down the last mercenary for her that she finally stopped.

"Who are you?" Jack sneered.

Terra scoffed as she holstered her pistol. "You're welcome."

Jack shook her head. "He was already dead. He just didn't know it yet. Now who are you?"

"My name's Commander Shepard. I'm here to get you out."

Jack scoffed, nodding to the docks. "You show up in a Cerberus ship to take me away somewhere? What do you think I am, stupid?!"

Terra was set seething by that comment. "Cerberus may have built it, but it's my ship. And since it's the only way you have off of this station that's going down on flames, I'd suggest you take it."

Jack was clearly still suspicious, but she seemed a bit less so after hearing that comment. "…make you a deal. Cerberus probably has a lot of files on me. Let me see them, and I'll come with you."

Terra wasn't sure she had clearance to do that, but she didn't really care. Frankly, if it upset Cerberus, it was kind of a bonus. "I'll give you full access."

"You'd better be straight with me," Jack all but threatened, "I've been cheated too many times. Especially by Cerberus."

Terra thought she was gonna be glad to take this biotic onto her team, unstable or no. The more people she had who knew what Cerberus was really like, the better. That'd make it even easier when they inevitably turned on them.

"So what are we standing around for?" Jack finally asked.

Terra smirked and led her aboard.

Jack went down to the cargo hold below engineering. Garrus went back to his own station in silence. Terra was beginning to suspect there was more to that particular issue than she'd thought.

Their next stop was the Citadel. Ostensibly, they were headed there to pick up their next recruit, a thief by the name of Kasumi Goto, but Terra was intent on speaking with the Council while they were there. She mainly wanted to see Anderson again, but she might as well tell the Council what was going on and see if they were willing to do anything to help out.

She doubted it, but it was worth a shot.

Kasumi met up with them through a hacked advertisement terminal. That alone showed that her hacking skills and stealth techniques were extraordinary, so Terra figured she'd be a valuable addition. She was a bit upset to hear Cerberus had arranged for her to join the thief on a heist in return for her help and hadn't thought to warn the commander ahead of time (seriously, that was two of the last three they hadn't given her all the details for—was it because she gave that big ultimatum about them playing by her rules and all that?). After hearing what this particular heist meant to the thief, Terra agreed to go along with it. That should prove interesting, she figured.

"If we're done here…" Startled, Terra turned to see the thief herself standing on a keeper walkway overhead and looking down at them. "…we should probably wrap it up. You look pretty silly standing there, talking to advertisement."

Terra smirked. Thief or no, she already knew she was going to like hanging around with Kasumi Goto. "You know where you're headed?"

"Oh, I've already started sneaking my things aboard your ship. I'll fetch the rest now and meet you at the dock." So she turned to go, literally disappearing by activating a cloak as she walked away.

Before heading back to the ship, though, Terra headed up to the Presidium to talk to the Council. A meeting which, coincidentally, happened to take place in Anderson's office.

Anderson smiled the second she walked in, amazement and relief buried behind his eyes. "Shepard."

The soldier in her was fighting to maintain her decorum, but since she wasn't currently an Alliance soldier anyway, she wound up rushing over to hug him.

He started laughing. "Good to see you haven't changed."

She laughed briefly before leaning back. "Likewise." Then she looked at his uniform and remembered his new position. "Well…you know what I mean."

She wanted to take some time to catch up, but it was going to have to come second. He was already connecting the Council to them via holo-COMM. Suffice to say, they didn't seem as happy to see her.

"We called this meeting to give you a chance to explain yourself, Shepard," the asari Councilor stated, "It seemed only fair given that we owe your our lives."

It was nice to see they were remembering that, but she didn't like the idea of her having to "explain herself." "What do you mean?"

"There are rumors going around that you're working with Cerberus."

Oh, spirits. Who started that?! She was putting an end to this now. "Cerberus were the ones who brought me back and gave me a new ship, but I'm not working for them. They're giving me the resources I need to stop the Collectors, resources I'll be happy to turn down if the Alliance or the Council were willing to back me up instead."

"These attacks have been occurring in the Terminus Systems," the salarian Councilor spoke up, "outside our jurisdiction."

"But the Collectors won't stay there forever! They're working for the Reapers!"

"Ah, yes," the turian Councilor practically rolled his eyes, "'Reapers.' The race of sentient machines allegedly waiting in dark space. Ah, we have dismissed that claim."

Terra was starting to see why Garrus ran away to Omega. "You can't be serious."

"They are, Shepard," Anderson sighed, "You and your team were the only ones who spoke to Sovereign or saw Vigil on Ilos. As far as the rest of the galaxy is concerned, the Reapers are a myth Saren exploited to win over the geth."

"Oh, so Saren suddenly went from an anti-human extremist to a galactic domination schemer straight out of some lame action vid? After all I've done for this Council—for the galaxy—don't you think you all owe me enough to think it through instead of letting fear and uncertainty shut me down?!"

"Try to see this from our perspective, commander," the asari Councilor asserted, "Even if we could support your theories, you have still consorted with Cerberus, a known enemy of this Council. That is an act of treason."

Now she was mad. Because, no, stealing the Normandy had been an act of treason, one that was quickly forgiven; what Cerberus had done to her was quite the opposite. "They roped me into it, I didn't have a choice!"

"That's enough!" Anderson finally stepped in, "I'm on this Council, too, and I won't let this whitewash continue! Shepard is a hero!"

The asari Councilor, thankfully, saw reason. "Then perhaps there is another solution. A way to offer peripheral support while still remaining unaffiliated."

The turian Councilor, for once, didn't object. "Shepard, if you agree to confine your operations to the Terminus Systems, the Council is willing to reinstate your Spectre status."

She didn't like being restricted, but being a Spectre again was worth it. She was meant to fight for the whole galaxy, not just for humanity. And she would. So she gratefully accepted the offer and that was the end of that.

"Well," Anderson sighed after they disconnected, "that went better than I expected."

"I was hoping it'd go better," Terra shook her head before walking over to the balcony with him and looking out at the rest of the Presidium, "Thanks for standing up for me."

"Yeah. Serving on the Council wasn't how I expected to spend my twilight years, but I'm trying to do as much good as I can. I can only go so far, though."

Terra spent the better part of ten minutes talking with her old mentor while Garrus and Mordin (mostly Mordin) talked in the opposite corner. It was nice getting to do that again. She had missed him. By the time she figured they should be getting back to it, she had already thought about when next she could come back.

"Be careful out there, Shepard," Anderson told her as she was turning to go.

She smirked. "Don't tell me you're afraid I'll die again that soon."

He laughed briefly. "No. …but Cerberus can't be trusted."

She nodded. "I know. And they never will be." She kept the warning in mind, though. There was something about hearing it from another human, one she genuinely trusted, that seemed to make it real and not just a product of her turian background.

"Where did you sneak off to?" a smirking Kasumi asked from the shadows as they approached the ship.

Terra nearly jumped. She'd have to get used to that if the thief spent so long cloaked. "Had to see an old friend. You're not gonna keep that cloak up forever, are you?"

"Only most of the time."

"…joy."

When they got back on the ship, Terra set up the heading for Bekenstein, but she did also take the time to watch her squad. Mordin headed straight back to the tech lab, already muttering something about experiment results he needed to check. Kasumi uncloaked in the middle of the CIC since she couldn't hide that someone was boarding the elevator, her sudden appearance making several techs comically jump, and headed down to set herself up in the portside observation lounge on deck 3.

And Garrus followed, once again heading straight to the battery without a word.

Terra had finally had enough. Once she was clear to leave the CIC, she headed straight for the main battery herself, all but storming in. "Garrus, we need to talk."

"Can it wait for a bit?" he immediately asked, "I'm in the middle of—"

"No, it really can't!" Terra stormed over now, practically pushing him away from the console to slam her hand on the controls. The door sealed behind her and the algorithms he was going over minimized. "EDI, give us a minute."

Once the AI had disabled the monitors on the battery, Garrus turned to give Terra a concerned look. "Is something wrong?"

"You tell me. You're the one who's been avoiding me."

"I…what?"

"Don't play coy! That's three dockings in a row you've outright ignored me and come straight back here to bury yourself in the gun software! We haven't talked at all since we left Omega! I only see you on missions now and you won't even look at me! Everything was fine until…until I…" Until she kissed him in the airlock. Oh, spirits, she hadn't even thought of that. Saying the words out loud coupled with that sudden bombshell realization—it was getting to be too much for her. Ordinarily, she would fight off the emotions overwhelming her, but now…now the tears came before she could stop them. "Is there someone else? Or do you just not feel that way about me? Because I'll understand, I just…I can't keep this up anymore, knowing the one person I most care about doesn't wanna be near me."

He hadn't been anticipating she would take it this hard. Hearing that it was so bad she was making assumptions like that was more than he could take. "No. Terra, no, it's not like that."

"What is it, then? You've never been like this before."

"Well, this is a pretty unique situation! I just thought you needed time to figure things out. I just…I just still can't believe this is really happening. I spent so long failing to get used to the idea of living in a world without you in it and then suddenly you're back, and…" Like her, it was only now that he said it out loud that it really struck him. He'd known his reasons, but telling them to her… "…I'm scared."

She could understand all of his reservations, but that confession shocked her. He was scared? Garrus Vakarian, who didn't know the meaning of the word? "Why?"

He scoffed. "Why do you think? I mean, we were all but inseparable for 13 years and it never once occurred to us that we could ever be anything more. Then, when it finally did, you died. And now that you've come back, lo and behold, we're on a suicide mission. It feels like we're cursed, like the universe is working against us, and if we keep trying to fight it, it's gonna keep finding ways to tear us apart." He looked at her, the one fear he couldn't fight away clutching him at the mere sight of her after so long living without her. "I can't lose you again."

She felt like she should've known this was how he felt. Seeing him this way and hearing him admit it, though, hurt her. Suddenly, she felt worse for dying and leaving him to the grief than she did for…well, dying. She sighed, realizing she was going to have to comfort him where he'd always done so for her. "Alright. Two things. First of all, be honest. If I died again trying to stop the Collectors and you weren't with me, would you feel any better?"

He dreaded even considering the possibility, but she had asked him to. The past two years had been hard enough on him, but if he had to face it again knowing that he had let fear drive him away…knowing what they could've had… "…no. No, that'd be worse."

She nodded. "And two…do you really think I haven't been going through the same thing?"

That he hadn't been expecting. He looked at her, too stunned to voice his sympathy.

"I lost two years of my life, Garrus. And when I came back, they told me you were missing! Do you have any idea what that felt like?! Then when I found you…" The wounds were too fresh, too much weight for her already tear-filled eyes. Every time she closed them, she thought of her turian lying in a pool of his own cobalt blood, barely breathing, slipping away from her, a nightmare almost on par with the raid itself. Her fingers drifted up to his recently acquired scars, not making contact as if touching them would make them bleed again.

He reached up to lay his hand on hers, pressing it against the scars himself.

Her breath caught to feel the cracks in his plates. It wasn't right. Any of it. But she could still feel his warmth and that gave her the strength to say what she needed to. "I didn't just lose two years either. I lost two years with you. And I don't wanna lose one more second." She drew all of her fire and determination to meet his eyes, letting him see the truth behind her final confession: "I love you."

For a moment, he simply looked at her. He had read it in her message so many times, but hearing her voice say it was something else entirely. She said it with such emotion, such conviction, that there was no denying the truth behind it. Those three little words pushed aside all his fear in favor of an unmatched elation that made it harder to breathe when he looked at her and harder for his heart to keep its rhythm when he looked away.

Finally, he took hold of her and drew her in, kissing her as best he could to make up for all those lost days. He hadn't done it in two years, but he still knew how. He hadn't forgotten one second of his time with her. This was pretty hard to forget. She clung to him, fell into him, and he knew that, human or turian, dead or alive, she was the only one who could ever make him feel this way. She was his mate, after all.

When they separated, he stayed close, laying his head on hers. "I love you, too."

Some part of her had known this, but hearing those words on his voice made her heart leap, her sorrowful tears immediately switching to joy. She didn't want to let go now. She wanted to forget the world and fall into her turian completely. Looking back now, she wondered how she could ever have not known he held her heart. Anyone could see they were meant for each other. Always.

He held onto her, feeling her pulse under his talons and at long last chasing off the grief that had torn into him for so long. She was here with him. They were together again. It was as if all the lights had suddenly grown brighter and the hollowness inside him was filled. "What do we do now?"

She smiled. "We'll figure it out."

He smirked. "We always do."

They stayed there together as long as they could before the mission inevitably interrupted. As Terra turned to leave the room, though, she held onto his hand as long as possible, still relishing the phantom caress of his talons on her skin as she walked away.

Whatever happened now, this moment had been worth it.