This chapter is a very long time coming. I have written it over so many times I've lost count. I know where the three of them end up, but getting them there is proving more difficult than I imagined. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to find my way back, and I hope this long awaited chapter is worth sticking around for.
To those who are still subscribed, and those who still visit, read, kudo and take the time to comment. All of it has meant so much to me. Thank you all for sticking with me through the many months of silence, and the changes this story has taken since I first started writing. It all means so much to me that this little project of mine is still read and loved.
After the battle at Lyrium Falls, Cara awakens and finds a moment to talk to Fenris. Her proposal awakens a hope he dared not hold on to. Solas pushes him to accept his feelings for the woman they both care for.
Cara drifted in the Fade while spirits danced around her. Transfixed, she watched as some replayed memories from her life on Earth. A bittersweet ache built in her chest as a pale haired little girl dance under the full moon. Grace had been the light of her life. From birth, she was outgoing, imaginative and full of optimism. All the things Cara wished she was.
"You miss her."
Cara snorted at the obvious statement. Wisdom walked toward her.
"That upsets you?"
"I... well yes. I miss her very much. She was too young when she died."
"She isn't gone."
"She is. In that world death is final."
"But you aren't of that world. She is a part of you, and you are from this world."
Cara pressed a hand to her chest to ease the pressure welling inside her. "What are you saying?"
Wisdom gave her a small smile. "Search your heart. What does it tell you?"
"I don't trust my heart. What my heart wants and reality are two different things more often than not. Grace is..." Cara couldn't finish the sentence. Deep inside she held on to a sliver of hope that her daughter had survived the crash, that she was merely missing. Somewhere she still lived; injured, in a coma under the name of Jane Doe, or living a new life, unaware of the family and friends mourning her because of amnesia. Rationally she knew she should accept her death, but she felt the truth in Wisdom's words.
"But how? And if so where?" Tears blurred her vision and she took a short ragged breath.
"In time you may learn more, for now, you must awaken. They worry for you."
"Please, tell me. I need to know." Cara fought to hold the Fade, to keep Wisdom with her.
Wisdom shook her head and faded into the mist.
Cara jolted awake. Her vocal protest reverberated within the canvas tent. Heavy warmth surrounded her, strong arms held her tightly.
"Shhh, you are safe."
Cara let out a sob. "Solas?"
To her right, the warmth pressed against her side moved.
"Now that she's awake and warm. I will take my leave."
"Fenris? You don't need to leave." Cara bit her lower lip. "I'd like you to stay."
"It is best I leave." His voice was gruff.
"There are some things we should discuss."
"They can wait until you recover. I have a report to complete."
Cara sat up and reached for his arm. He stilled under her touch. "Promise me you will find time to speak with me?" She was desperate to find answers about Grace, but she also needed to explain things to Fenris. "I... care about you. More than I should, and I think you have feelings for me."
Fenris snorted. "You care for me? I will not be used and discarded to sate your fantasies."
Cara sucked in a breath. "That's not..." She bit her lip and shook her head. "If you would please hear me out..." Cara wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and began.
Fenris' heart thrummed in his chest. What they suggested appeared too good to be true. Part of him wished to accept her and what she offered, yet a deeper part of him knew the perils of trusting someone who carried such power. Truthfully, he feared that which he was drawn to.
He studied Solas. He hid his emotions and thoughts artfully behind a stoic expression. Who was he? Fenris didn't believe him a self taught hedge mage. The others took him at face value, but even on the surface there was more to see which they dismissed. He possessed a stillness and depth to his presence few people twice his age achieved. How had a wanderer gained such experience in life?
During the trek from Lyrium Falls to the nearest camp, Solas stayed silent. Fenris expected anger; at the least a lecture on his rash behavior. His actions put the mission in danger, and nearly cost them Cara. When Solas suggested they share their body heat to warm her, he'd seen it as punishment, or a taunt she was forever out of reach. Yet, there was no malice in his tone; no derision as he explained his request.
"Is this why you asked for my assistance?"
"In part. I was curious at what lengths you will take to protect her. She is selfless to a fault and will put her life on the line for those she cares for."
"And how do you feel about such things?"
Solas let out a short chuckle. "While this wouldn't be my first choice, I understand. I cannot be all she needs. It would be selfish of me to force her to accept less than she needs or deserves. Carina tells me you are honorable, I am inclined to agree with her. While your attraction to her is obvious, you took no advantage."
"I don't know how I feel about such an arrangement."
"I know, it's asking a lot. It's not like I planned this. I didn't expect to fall in love with both of you." Cara let out a slow breath.
"I require time to think."
"We've rushed you, I'm sorry." She clasped her hands together and looked at her lap.
Fenris touched her chin and lifted her face. "I need to decide what I want. I didn't anticipate having another option. I am pleased to see you feeling well." The blanket around her shifted and his gaze travelled to the swell of her breasts. A flush of color bloomed and her heart rate sped but she didn't try to hide from him.
"I just wish I'd woken sooner and could enjoy being curled up with you." She gave him a smug smile.
Fenris chuckled and hid the rest with a cough. She let out a breath and touched her lower lip with her tongue. His body reacted as he watched her tongue retreat. His fingers brushed the hair from her cheek as he leaned in, her scent tantalizing as he whispered in her ear. "I remember what happened in the Fade. I recall the truth you revealed to me, the feel of your lips on mine, how you trembled in my embrace."
Cara closed her eyes and let out a ragged breath before whispering in his ear in return. "Few mages would remember so much, that you have..." She brushed her lips against his earlobe. "If you stay, it won't just be a memory."
Fenris sucked in a breath and gripped her shoulder. He held her out to look at her. "You tempt me beyond reason."
Solas chuckled. "She does have that effect."
Fenris looked over her shoulder. "You are serious?"
Solas kissed her shoulder. Surprise and desire in equal measure widened her eyes and mouth. A flush of warmth replaced the churning twist his stomach took at their previously witnessed moments of affection.
"I care for her and know she cares for me. She also cares for you. In the last few months, those feelings have grown. I could ask her to choose, but neither of us would claim that as a victory. Can you ask her to make a choice? Or are you willing to accept she cares for us both? That it takes us both to complete her? I have merely faced the truth, my friend."
Fenris pinched his lips together and gave a short nod. "Had I not interfered neither of you would face this decision. Forgive me for stepping in where it wasn't my place."
Solas dropped the marble facade and frowned. "I have kept her at arm's length for far longer than you have known her. If anyone is to blame it is I."
"Solas, it's not your fault or Fenris'. I..." Cara bit her lip. "I knew of you both before we met. I already cared for you both. I never expected to meet either of you in person. Had I known..." She shook her head and let out a sigh. "No, even then my heart was torn between you. We each share common experiences. What we want from life, the reasons we fight, the reasons we hurt and are afraid." Cara touched Fenris' cheek and held his gaze. When he didn't pull away she leaned closer.
Fenris watched her lips move closer, his eyes half closed and she stopped a hair's breadth away. The warmth of her breath caressed over his lips. She didn't push, she didn't beg, she gave him the option to move away or close the distance.
His eyes held hers. "Are you certain you know what you ask?"
"I love you both. I don't offer a one night fling, I'm offering myself, to you, to him, for eternity. The choice is yours."
Fenris closed his eyes, each moment he regretted in his life flashed through his mind. He took a ragged breath, and retreated. "I'm not worthy."
"I know your past. I know your choices, those you were free to make or not. I know the pain you hide with anger; the shame and hate you wrap around yourself like a cloak." Cara pushed his chin up. "I know you. I know why you fight. I know why you hide your feelings. I know why you've avoided me. But where is the man I met in Crestwood? Where is the fierce and fearless warrior who intended to claim me? Are you going to let the past continue to define your future? Or are you going to take control of it?"
A pulse of energy lit his markings in the split second his mouth crashed over hers. His hand curled into her hair. With a flick of his wrist, he wrapped it around his palm and jerked her head back to deepen the kiss. Impatient to taste her, he pressed he tongue past her warm lips. Cara gripped his shoulders and moaned into his mouth. She melted into his embrace as the tide of passion carried his senses away. Fenris lost all sense of time, only the caress of his tongue, and the press of his lips on hers mattered. He released his grip on her hair and caressed down her back.
Solas pressed closer, his chest pressing Fenris' hand against her back. Fenris me his gaze as Solas leaned in to kiss her neck. A slight smile curled the corner of his mouth. The freckles across his nose and cheeks darkened, as did his ears.
"Wait..." She pushed away from Fenris and squirmed away from Solas. "This isn't ... I..."
Fenris took a ragged breath to clear his head. A flush of color bloomed on her chest and throat.
She tucked the blanket around herself. "I want you both, just not at the same time, not yet anyway."
Solas chuckled. "I was carried away."
"I allowed you to goad me."
Cara dropped her gaze to her lap. "I told myself I wouldn't push you, that I would be patient. I promised you'd have time to think. I'm sorry."
Fenris brushed his thumb over her cheek. "You have nothing to apologize for. I have longed to kiss you again, just not with an audience." He flicked a gaze at Solas. His usual marble expression replaced by a softer, gentler look. Solas nodded slightly, a half smile on his full lips.
"I will go, now that she no longer needs the warmth. I have intruded on enough of your time." Fenris started to rise to his feet.
Solas shook his head. "Stay and come to terms with the truth. I have accepted it, it is time you did as well."
"No, I ..." Fenris clenched his jaw at the raised hand.
"You continue to avoid the obvious. You have since we left Redcliffe. Your anger and frustration resulted in your capture, putting us all at risk." Solas tilted his head and met Fenris' glare. "You ignored sound counsel on darkspawn behavior and pushed recklessly into the center of them to escape your own feelings."
"Desire shouldn't have been there. Without them..." Cara closed her mouth at the grim expression and shake of Solas' head.
Fenris wondered, not for the first time, who Solas was. Why did a being as powerful, and if what she revealed in the Fade was true, as old as she was, deferred to the unassuming man? His thoughts returned from earlier. Solas possessed the air of someone used to giving orders. Someone as comfortable in the ornate halls of the grandest palaces, as he was the simplest of camps in the wilderness.
"She put herself in danger to save you. I do not say this to punish you, but to force you to accept the truth. You care deeply for her. In an attempt to distance yourself, you became indifferent to her needs. You do neither her, nor yourself any good by denying how you feel."
"I don't know your heart, but I know my own. I want more than just a night with you, or a week, or a month." She took Solas' hand in her left and his in her right. "I want to be with you both, no matter what we face. If you are by my side I can deal with whatever comes our way."
Solas lifted her hand and kissed the back of it. "You know how I feel, vhenan. Nothing can change that, not even the way you feel for Fenris."
Fenris curled his fingers between hers, threading them together and pressed his palm to hers. "I feel as if this is a dream, so much has happened since I left to travel to Skyhold alone."
Cara squeezed his hand. "When I learned you were missing was when I first began to accept what I felt. My biggest argument against this was how the others would react to us. I worried they wouldn't understand. The more I argued against this, the more I realized the only opinions that matter are Solas' and yours. If you can't accept this relationship, I understand, but if it's because you worry someone will disapprove...well, even if it were just you and I, someone would disapprove. No matter what we decide, someone will have an opinion."
Fenris loosened his grip to rub his thumb along the back of her hand. Each brush over her skin sent her heart beating faster.
"I will see about some food. You slept for nearly ten hours, I imagine you are hungry." Solas stood and reached for his breeches and tunic.
Cara let her eyes rove over his body as he dressed. His ears darkened under her intense gaze. After tying his belt he leaned down and kissed her cheek. "I will give you time to...talk." He gave Fenris a smug smile and ducked through the tent flap.
Fenris raked a hand through his hair and stared at the flap as it settled back into place. He sucked in a breath at the press of magic from the ward Solas placed over the tent.
"A silencing ward." Cara gave Fenris a cheeky grin. "No one outside will hear anything until he disables it."
"I should be the one to leave. The two of you..."
"Fenris." Cara placed a hand on his arm. "You are free to go if you wish. I want you to stay, but the choice is yours."
"Then I will go." He stood and turned his back to her while he dressed.
He keenly sensed her eyes on him. "I'm sorry about your sister, about the paper, all of it. I'm sorry I didn't think of another way."
A stab of remorse pierced his chest. Twice his sister betrayed him. He'd shown her mercy the first time. A part of him held out hope they would meet again under better circumstances. He'd been a fool to think family meant more to her than her ambitions. Once again the ambitions of a mage put him in danger of being enslaved again. "You are foolish to trust Lord Pavus. He is no different from the rest."
"He's nothing like Denarius, or Alexis." She held up a hand at his protest. Met his glare with a thrust of her chin. "Words are cheap, I understand that. In time you will see that he is not your enemy."
Fenris swore a lifetime ago he would die rather than submit once more. Lord Pavis would die in an instant if he betrayed them.
Cara shook her head and turned away. "I asked Dorian for his help because he knows Tevinter laws better than I do. I'm sorry that my actions have hurt you. I didn't consider the position this would place you in. I meant to ask you when we met in the Fade, but I er...was distracted.
"Long ago I vowed to end the suffering of our people. Ending millennia of slavery is a slow and painful process. Many innocent people suffered and died in the chaos. Thousands more fought and bled so their kin could be free. The more strength our rebellion gained, the harsher the punishment for those still bound." She took a shallow breath. "The memories I have of that time are not my own, they are seen through the eyes of another. To them the rebellion was a tool to gain more power. They never intended for our people to be truly free. They didn't believe we would be successful. Perhaps they were right. This world has changed much, but little is different."
Her voice strained with emotion. Fenris knelt beside her, brushed a tear from her cheek. "How is it you have few memories of your own?"
She gave a weak laugh and shook her head. "I have a theory, even if it is impossible. Yet...I have no other explanation." She hugged her knees close to her chest. "I'd rather not say until I know for sure. The Fade holds few memories for me, many of them are incomplete or twisted. As if someone intentionally changed them or erased them. I don't know that I will ever learn the truth."
"How is that possible?"
"It takes very powerful magic to alter the memories of spirits and elves." She pinched her lips together and frowned at the corner of the tent. "Sometimes I feel as if the memories are simply behind a curtain and I only need to open it, but the curtain is forever out of reach. The more I reach for it the further away it becomes."
Fenris sat heavily beside her. He knew the weight of the loss of memories. Even now his own past haunted his sleep only to disappear with the light of day. The one night he shared with Hawke awakened them, only for them to recede once more. He shared a few months with Isabelle. He recalled a few scattered moments in their times of mutual solace. Only with Cara, did he fully recall a true memory. One which didn't shrivel with the dawn.
"The moment in the Fade... It was one last test before Danarius performed his spells. I expected the memory to fade as the others before it." He lifted his arms and sent a pulse of magic through the lyrium marks on his skin. "I fought for these, coveted them and what they represented."
Cara's eyes shone with unshed tears. "You wanted your family free, few can claim such selflessness or honor." She brushed back a strand of hair from over his eyes. "What Danarius did was unconscionable. He attempted a spell he didn't fully understand, a spell missing key components. I'm sorry that you have suffered with them for so long."
The irritation he felt when someone expressed dismay at the torment of his past stayed silent. His lip didn't curl in his usual sneer. She slowly reached for his arm. An unspoken request shone in her eyes. He nodded. Cara gently traced a line along his arm, calling the brands to life. He closed his eyes to the flare of sensation along his skin. The light from the lyrium filled the tent, visible behind his closed lids.
"What do you know of them?"
Cara pursed her lips, her brow furrowed in thought. "It's more a feeling than knowing. As a former spirit, I hear the song lyrium plays. Can you hear it? There is something out of sync."
He closed his eyes and listened. "Only when I focus on it. A steady tempo with the lilt of a distant songbird. It's louder when active, but during those moments I'm usually engaged in battle and the sound is overshadowed."
"Perhaps Solas knows more. If I know him, he began searching for anything on them soon after our introduction in Crestwood." She released him and folded her hands in her lap.
Fenris stared at the marking on his arms as they slowly dimmed with the retreat of mana. Once he thought their removal worth any price. After learning he wanted them and why, he grew torn over the decision. He didn't hate them in the same way as before. Drink numbed the sharp edge of pain to a dull ache he could ignore. Enough wine and he could sleep until the nightmares forced him from his sleep. Once he would do anything short of selling his soul to be free of them. Now they were a part of him.
"Thank you. I know this is a sensitive subject. If anything makes you uncomfortable, tell me. I never want you to feel less than an equal in this, whatever it becomes. Even if that means we are only friends. No matter what you decide that will never change."
"Thank you." Fenris wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. He kissed the top of her head. Cara's arms circled his waist and she pressed her ear to his chest.
"Take all the time you need. There are many things you should know before you decide. I will answer truthfully any questions that are mine to answer."
I'm not quite sure what comes next for our trio. I'm heading into the busy season at work. While I can't spend hours writing everyday, I hope to find time each day to write something. I can't promise when a new chapter will be posted, only that there will be another one. I have another 20 or so chapters planned, which may turn into a few more by the time I get to the end. I hope you will stick with me. With DA4 still years away, I'm determined to finish this before it is released.