Family Tree
Monday (8:35am)
alwayswinning: my neck my back
whosthatgirl: lena is already being grouchy
alwayswinning: sigh those arent the next lyrics :(
Barney: I believe the line Winn was looking for is, "Lick my pussy and my crack"
YourRouler: AHHSHDDJDKLDNDDJDKDL
thethirdolsen: jesus christ
stayinyourlane: brainy on his hot girl summer shit
alwayswinning: Brainy I love you legit teared up for a second
whoyagonnakal: hooligans
whosthatgirl: EXCUSE ME COULD WE STOP TALKING ABOUT PUSSY? LENA IS BEING MEAN!
Sassquez: I will never stop talking about pussy! NEVER. EVEN IF THERE"S A FIRE!
Shocked&Upset: stop drop and roll into this pussy
whosthatgirl: CAN WE FOCUS ON LENA BEING MEAN PLEASE?!
lenaeclipse: I most certainly am not. You were torturing me!
yourmagjesty: ladies ladies you're both pretty. Now how about u calm down & tell this detective wat happened
gunscotch: lmaoooo
lenaeclipse: Jess took it upon herself to torture me this morning.
donutqueen: Jess wtf?! You coming for my lady?
lenaeclipse: I love when you call me that
whosthatgirl: Lena Luthor threw a stack of post-it notes at me and threatened to fire me.
whoyagonnakal: Hm, that sounds like a grouchy Lena
donutqueen: Kal-El keep your opinions in metropolis
Shocked&Upset: oooo she used ya real name
Barney: Kara, are you grouchy as well?
TheCatGrant: She definitely is.
donutqueen: I am not. I had great morning sex with Lena. Why would I be grouchy?
yourmagjesty: maybe bc u haven't had potstickers since you lost the bet
donutqueen: That literally started last night. I'm stronger than that. Also, Lena tastes better than any potsticker.
NiaSangria: i DID NOT need to know that
yourmagjesty: me neither
lenaeclipse: She's not wrong though. I taste amazing.
Barney: There's a fine line between oral sex and cannibalism.
bannedfromchilis: I-
thethirdolsen: BOI IF YOU DONT-
stayinyourlane: im tearing up that was beautiful
gunscotch: brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
YourRouler changed donutqueen's name to SuperCannibal.
Sassquez: AHHHHHHHHHDKKDBEIDJDK
lenaeclipse: She can eat me any time
TheCatGrant: That's true love.
SuperCannibal: NO!
SuperCannibal changed their name to donutqueen.
donutqueen: humans are terrible
lenaeclipse: :( even me baby?
donutqueen: You're not a human baby, you're an angel.
bannedfromchilis: Fallen angels are actually demons
TheDailyLane: Damn, Pam with the facts
donutqueen: Well you should see Lena in the bedroom
stayinyourlane: i would love to
TheCatGrant: As would I.
yourmagjesty: i most definitely would not
YourRouler: i already have. She's naughty
donutqueen: Veronica i will literally fling your ass into the sun by your ankles
DamnSam: feisty
NiaSangria: i would appreciate it if you guys stopped talking about my mom being wild in the bedroom
alwayswinning: ^^^ i too would appreciate it
whoyagonnakal: i second that
thethirdolsen: same here
donutqueen: Jealous cause yall cant have my girl. I get it. I'd be jealous too
whosthatgirl: absolutely no one is jealous of your mean girlfriend. I can confirm that she is a demon at the workplace though.
TheDailyLane: Spill the tea, Jess.
donutqueen: tread carefully
whosthatgirl: all I did was walk into my lovely boss' office and give her the schedule for the day. Then I was suddenly being attacked by post-it notes being thrown by Lena Luthor.
lenaeclipse: Ask her what she had in her hand.
TheCatGrant: What did you have in your hand, Jess?
whosthatgirl: Nothing! Just a drink!
lenaeclipse: A KALE DRINK. MY FAVORITE KALE SMOOTHIE!
gunscotch: yikes jess lol
whosthatgirl: Excuse me, but you don't own the smoothie! Other people can like it too!
Sassquez: lol jess has no sympathy
lenaeclipse: I can't believe you're okay with torturing me!
lenaeclipse: AND ON THE FIRST DAY!
Shocked&Upset: sounds like lena is...shocked and upset
NiaSangria: Ba Dum Tssss
donutqueen: Damn baby, it's just the first day and you can't even be strong at the sight of kale? You're gonna have a hard month.
TheDailyLane: Damn Kara was so quick to flip on Lena
lenaeclipse: You're gonna have an even harder month if i stop having sex with you!
yourmagjesty: oh snap!
donutqueen: Ya know, I've always loved kale and I understand why the love of my life misses the taste of it. Jess, I can't believe you tortured the mother of my future children.
lenaeclipse: Better.
stayinyourlane: two words
stayinyourlane: pussy
bannedfromchilis: whipped
NiaSangria: whipped!
thethirdolsen: WHIPPED
DamnSam: WHIPPED!
TheCatGrant: Whipped
whoyagonnakal: whipped!
Sassquez: WHIPPED
lenaeclipse: Monster!
yourmagjesty: lena no!
TheDailyLane: Lena is such a lesbian
alwayswinning: the most lesbian ever
YourRouler: excuse the fuck outta me but im pretty sure IM the supreme lesbian here
Sassquez: cute but no its me
yourmagjesty: but ur all baby gays compared to me
Shocked&Upset: especially alex
gunscotch: tf why'd u have to come for me
bannedfromchilis: Because it's true
lenaeclipse: I cum for Kara all the time
NiaSangria: MOM PLEASE
donutqueen: She's right though. She came for me 4 times this morning
donutqueen: Delicious.
Shocked&Upset: somebody pour kara's horny ass a glass of Lena so she can shutup
stayinyourlane: "I'll have the pasta and a glass of your finest Lena"
Sassquez: sit at the bar like "can i get some Lena...on the rocks"
gunscotch: im actually gagging u guys r gross
thethirdolsen: yeah way too far
lenaeclipse: Kara is the one and only taste tester and I love being sipped
donutqueen: VIP Exclusive
spacedad: PLEASE
spacedad: I am CERTAIN that there's work for you all to be doing
spacedad: Agents, the briefing starts in 15 minutes.
gunscotch: awh but i was just about to mention how much i love tasting maggie
yourmagjesty: wet
Sassquez: dont even get me started on sam's sweet juice
DamnSam: she's right, it is sweet
donutqueen: You're all delusional
bannedfromchilis: i think we ALL probably taste good
stayinyourlane: damn u probably right
YourRouler: maybe we should all taste each other….you know just to make sure
TheCatGrant: I'm not opposed
donutqueen: Down. To. Clown.
lenaeclipse: absolutely
thethirdolsen: do any of you believe in monopoly?
thethirdolsen: *monogamy
NiaSangria: MONOPOLY
yourmagjesty: hgfahfgalbg im guessing thats the first game we're playing next game night
TheCatGrant: This is the man I left my company in the hands of.
TheDailyLane: Bad decision on your part.
thethirdolsen: i meant MONOPOLY
Sassquez: jsfghshgsfhg;sug;duzhb
thethirdolsen: I MEAN MONOGAMY
whoyagonnakal: OH Jimmy…
alwayswinning: babe stop.
gunscotch: lmfaooooo
gunscotch: how often do you pass GO and collect $200
donutqueen changed thethirdolsen's name to MrMonopoly
Shocked&Upset: a monopoly playing virginian….amazing
bannedfromchilis: Before we know it, James is gonna be growing a mustache and wearing a top hat lmaoooooo
DamnSam: Winn how does it feel knowing your boyfriend is a Monopoly playing man from virginia?
alwayswinning: sad
MrMonopoly: WINN
TheDailyLane: Lmao
alwayswinning: I mean proud!
alwayswinning: sorry autocorrect
Barney: But the words "sad" and "proud" aren't even close to being spelled the same.
Barney: How could that have been autocorrect?
whosthatgirl: LMAO
TheDailyLane: Brainy with the facts once again.
NiaSangria: im screaming fgjshgjshgush
MrMonopoly: Brainy PLEASE
MrMonopoly: AND IM NOT FROM VIRGIN
MrMonopoly: *VIRGINIA
lenaeclipse: I'm-
stayinyourlane: there are literally too many jokes running through my brain rn
donutqueen changed MrMonopoly's name to MonopolyVirgin
Shocked&Upset: I like how kara hasn't actually said anything she just keeps changing his name lol
yourmagjesty: she's doing what needs to be done
lenaeclipse: She really is
lenaeclipse: But this name fits because James SUCKS at Monopoly
MonopolyVirgin: I DO NOT
MonopolyVirgin changed their name to thethirdolsen
stayinyourlane: i mean….
Sassquez: eh to be fair tho, everyone's bad at monopoly when they're playing against kale girl
DamnSam: afgkjabgh babe
lenaeclipse: WHY WOULD YOU MENTION KALE I WAS DOING FINE!
spacedad: YOU ALL ARE LATE FOR THE BRIEFING
donutqueen: coming!
Sassquez: oh shit OMW
gunscotch: ^^^
stayinyourlane: right behind u!
donutqueen: Bringing donuts!
TheCatGrant: And somehow they're the best agents?
TheDailyLane: It really makes you wonder.
GayMess
(12:02pm)
yourmagjesty: u hoes wanna have lunch w/ me & alex today?
lenaeclipse: but then we'd have to cancel our lunch sex :(
donutqueen: dont worry we'll make it work sweetheart
gunscotch: GROSS
yourmagjesty: didnt u two already fuck this morning?
lenaeclipse: Your point?
yourmagjesty: …..fair
donutqueen: i have a question
donutqueen: have you guys picked a date for the wedding?
lenaeclipse: Kara, honey they literally just got engaged yesterday
gunscotch: April 25th!
yourmagjesty: ^^^^^!
donutqueen: OMG! THAT'S THE PERFECT DATE!
gunscotch: I KNOWWWWW!
yourmagjesty: BECAUSE IT'S NOT TOO HOT
donutqueen: NOT TOO COLD
gunscotch: ALL YOU NEED IS A LIGHT JACKET!
lenaeclipse: I feel as though I'm missing something….
gunscotch: the fuck?
donutqueen: babe….it's Miss Congeniality…
donutqueen: ya know...about the agent that enters the beauty pagent?
yourmagjesty: you've seen that right?
lenaeclipse: Oh! the one with Sandra Bullock, right?
donutqueen: Yes!
gunscotch: whew i was really holding my breath there
lenaeclipse: I've only seen it a few times but she was sexy as fuck in that movie
yourmagjesty: "in that movie" name one movie she's not sexy in…
donutqueen: impossible feat
lenaeclipse: Wait, you're telling me the two of you based your wedding date off of a movie?
lenaeclipse: Did you even check to see what day that falls on?
yourmagjesty: thats the best part! ITS ON A SATURDAY
donutqueen: YOU LUCKY BITCHES
gunscotch: I KNOWWWW!
lenaeclipse: HOLD THE FUCK ON
lenaeclipse: ITS FEBRUARY
yourmagjesty: very good we're glad you know the months of the year
gunscotch: very proud of you
donutqueen: good job baby!
lenaeclipse: You're all asses
lenaeclipse: My point is, do you guys plan on getting married this year?!
yourmagjesty: lol obvs
lenaeclipse: Then i would like to point out again
lenaeclipse: ITS FEBRUARY
lenaeclipse: YOU JUST SAID YOU PICKED APRIL 25TH
lenaeclipse: YOU HAVE TWO MONTHS TO PLAN A FUCKING WEDDING
gunscotch: …..oh shit
yourmagjesty: fuck fuck fuck
donutqueen: i-
gunscotch: OH SHIT
yourmagjesty: FUCK FUCK FUCK
donutqueen: i know things just got really serious and we're all probably panicking
donutqueen: but where are we going to eat?
A/N:When I wrote the line "there's a fine line between oral sex and cannibalism", I had to sit in silence for a moment and rethink a lot of stuff. I have not known peace since. Gotta say though, I'm pretty excited to start writing about these rushed wedding plans. And mixed with a kaleless Lena and a potstickerless Kara? Drama is brewing. War will come.