"Here." John hands me a cup of tea.
I don't thank him, I just stare at the tea. Unsure of myself and the tea.
"Okay, um... Sherlock, you do very well following rules... but you don't need to follow the rules."
"But, rules are important."
"Yes, but not all of them."
"Allan said-"
"Sherlock." John's voice has a sharp edge to it, which instantly silences me.
You made him angry. You're going to be punished, you messed up soooo bad. He's going to hurt you, and you deserve it, you're-
"Sherlock?" John's voice is softer now, causing me to look back up at him, there is worry evident in my eyes, I'm sure.
"Yes, John?"
"I'm not mad, I just want you to get better."
"I'm not sick." My brows furrow.
"No, I suppose you're not." He stands up and paces the floor a bit.
"John-" I'm cut of by the sound of Rosie crying.
"I'll be right back." John takes off to get Rosie.
Can't you do anything right?
Yes.
What can you do right?
...cases.
You haven't solves a case for a long time, you can't do it anymore. You aren't clever, you're stupid.
I know.
Then why are you still talking?
Because I need to.
Need?
...
Need, or want?
Need... I need to.
Wrong, dead wrong.
"Look who's here, Rosie." John points to me, Rosie in his arms.
"Daddy?" She rubs her eyes.
"No, I'm not daddy." I can't help but smile at the young girl.
"Here, why don't you sit with Sherlock?" He sets her in my arms.
Don't screw this up, Sherlock.
"Hello, Rosie." My shoulders tense. "Why are you awake at this hour?"
"She probably had a nightmare." John sits in his chair across from me.
"Did you have a bad dream, love?" I coo at her, noting that this is not my normal behavior.
John raises an eyebrow, I instantly stop and stiffen more.
I told you not to mess up.
We, John, Rosie, and myself, sit in silence. There are no words to be said, I don't know how to fix this. I'm concerned that I've already ruined the chances of recovering our friendship. John hates me, I'm just worried he's going to leave. If only I could do what I'm supposed to.
Rose yawns and rubs he eyes more.
"Perhaps she should go back to bed." Whispering, I glance at John.
"Alright, we all should go back to bed." John nods tiredly.
See, you did mess up.
"Here, go to daddy." Pointing to John, I set Rosie of the ground.
She quickly walks to him and holds her arms out, asking to be picked up.
He picks her up and quickly takes her back to put her in bed.
"Good night, John." I say after him, then I retreat back to my room.
Look what you did, you make John mad when you were talking to Rosie.
How do I fix this?
You don't, you just have to follow the rules until John realizes how pathetic you are and leaves.
My eyes trail over to the door, it's partially open.
Maybe you should close it, show John you still can't follow the rules.
The faint sound of John telling Rosie a story makes me smile slightly.
I'm so tired... but sleep isn't what I need, it would seem I'm unsure what I need.
Punishment, idiot.
I just want to... what do I want?
I'm so tired.
Turns out, Rosie slept the rest of the night, John dropped her off at Molly's this morning so he could go shopping.
I discovered what I needed. A distraction. Seeing as how I can' leave the flat alone, I couldn't purchase cigarettes or any drugs, so I decided to return to an old habit.
Am I telling John? No.
Am I fine? Yes.
Do I wish everyone would leave me alone? ... I'm not sure, but I don't want people telling me what to do.
Things are tense, well, that is an understatement.
Mycroft is currently sitting in John's chair. We're having a battle of the wills. Mycroft wants me to go to a phycologist, I don't want to go.
John is still out shopping, I do hope he returns soon. Lestrade... I don't know where he is.
"You are going." Mycroft keeps trying to dictate my life. It is not welcome.
"No." My teeth are gritted. I hate this.
"Don't make me drag you there."
"You couldn't move me if you tried, you've put on more weight again anyway."
"You're self harming again." He fires back.
"Who told you such an atrocious lie?" I scoff, knowing that he's speaking the truth.
"Don't make me call Dr. Watson." He growls.
"Leave." I snap, finally having had enough of Mycroft bothering me.
"You have an appointment tommorrow at noon, I'll send a car to pick you up." He stands, still glaring daggers at me.
"Oh, I don't care, goodbye." Rolling my eyes, I steeple my fingers and go to my mind palace.
It should be calming in here, but it's not.
Everything looks darker than it should, the walls are closing in on me.
This isn't right.
Quickly, I exit my mind palace and take several deep breaths.
A loud growl escapes me as I internally scream.
I can't even go to my mind palace.
Anger wells up inside of me.
I scream in anger. I can't do anything.
"Oh, dear, are you alright?" Mrs. Hudson's voice echoes from behind me.
"I'm fine, don't you have something to be doing." Yes, I'm aware that I'm breaking the rules.
"No, love-"
"Goodbye." Rising from my chair, I close the flats door and lock it.
Perhaps you should do something about your feelings.
The thought of drawing a blade over my skin makes me angrier and calms simultaneously.
Why not?