(Alright, here it is. Be prepared for a lot of talking!
One more thing: I am planning on finishing this story in the next chapter(s). Don't get me wrong. This story has really grown dear to my heart and I would love to keep on writing, but I am facing a stressful time until summer (exams and stuff) and I just don't like to let you wait for so long. So, I think it's time for this story to come to an end. But enough of this. Now please enjoy the chapter. Hope you like it.)
Chapter 31
A little flame started to dance around the few wooden logs that had been piled up in the fireplace. Now with the small source of light the inside of the dude ranch cabin came slowly back to life. It had been pitch dark inside. The closed window shutters and the wooden panel that was used to secure the windows themselves were causing such a darkness that made it impossible to see your hand in front of your face. Besides the lack of sight it was also bitterly cold and Jack wondered if going back to the house would have been the better idea. But they were here now and the cabin at least would shelter them from the intensifying storm outside that was howling across the rooftop. There was no way Jack would set a foot back out there again tonight. Besides, and maybe that sounded selfish, but he was glad that they finally ended up at a place to themselves. Maybe it would give them some time to talk. Yet, Jack wasn't sure if his wife would have the strength to talk after what happened outside. Whatever happened. Jack still wasn't sure why she had been laying in the cold instead of looking for shelter herself. She was weak when he picked her up, carried her over to the cabin, found the spare key hidden under the turned down flower pot and stepped inside. Knowing his way around, he straight went through the darkness towards the bed, where he gently put her down and grabbed the duvet and quilts to wrap them tightly around her body before starting the fire that now was dancing funnily behind the fireplace screens and had evolved into one strong flame that sent out warmth and light.
Jack finally turned around.
Lisa was still sitting in the same position he had left her there on the bed and still looked shocked by the incident and cold. Her eyes were fixed on the spot of the mattress right in front of her and although the constant shivering had subsided it still overtook her body like waves.
Jack got up and walked over to sit down on the foot of the bed opposite her. It didn't cause her to look up and so they were sitting quietly like this for about fifteen minutes. He watched her the entire time while the recent events of the evening were replaying in his head. Everything that happened tonight was one more add to their unstable marriage that was now laying like a roadkill between them. Jack remembered their talk a couple months back when she made the decision to stay at Fairfield full time, not wanting him to drive back and forth every day. Neither of them liked the idea but it was for the best. Technically, yes, but not for what it actually did to them. It departed them in every possible aspect and the promise he made at the end of this talk, to make it work despite the separation, failed miserably. It was the second time Jack couldn't keep a promise to her and both times it nearly ruined what they had together.
The plan of keeping Fairfield Stables going and to give Lisa the opportunity to go back to work after the accident, seemed so wrong now. It only had brought them more misfortune than the hope to get their normal life back. They ended up on the totally opposite side of where Jack had pictured them when he decided to do everything to keep Fairfield alive, to involve Dan and to talk Lisa out of the idea to sell the place or devise it to Georgie. Everything had led into a completely wrong direction and now with all that had happened, Jack had to admit that letting the operation go and get used to the changes that were crossing their life would have saved them all the problems they were dealing with right now.
It was time to let her know that he needed her back with him, that he didn't expect her to maintain her business at all costs, that she had been right all along to let it go.
After this journey of thoughts, Jack focused back on the woman in front of him. Her body had calmed down fully now and in the soft light of the fire he could see the warmth displaying on her face. Apparently, he had found her just at the right time to prevent her from serious damage but still was worried if there was a chance of talking tonight.
"I didn't mean to scare you like that.", she suddenly started and her voice was as quiet as a whisper, yet Jack was relieved that nevertheless it sounded stable.
"How are you feeling?", he asked carefully while watching her thoroughly and not going into the topic how much she really did scare him. She scared the heck out of him and the thought of finding her in the lake was still giving him the worst chills.
"I think I'm okay.", she said and he could see her really thinking about the question but didn't add anything else to it. He wasn't sure if she was being honest or if it was just another time of avoiding him. There really had to be an end of this. No more whitewashing now. He wanted to hear the truth.
"Lisa. We need to talk."
This finally made her look up. Her hair was still damp from the snow and a bit messed up by the wind. He reached out and stroke some wild strands back behind her ear before continuing speaking and emphasizing the need of a conversation.
"Do you think we can do this now?"
She looked down.
"Why won't you talk to me about it?"
"I just don't want to bother you."
"Lisa.", he took her hand that was laying in her lap in between the two edges of the blankets that left a small gap in the front, "I need you to share things with me. Those kind of things. How am I supposed to help when I have no idea what's going on?"
"It's just...I have caused you so much trouble already."
"This doesn't mean that I will ever stop being there for you.", he lifted her hand up to his lips to press a soft kiss upon the back of it.
"Please, tell me. What happened out there?"
"I can't walk.", she finally said after some hesitation.
He looked at her troubled. This came unexpected.
"Not entirely but I keep losing the feelings in my legs. It comes and goes and it happens without warning and-", she broke off here. Jack sensed that it was a topic she found hard to talk about. Of course. Regaining the ability to walk was all she wanted. Not being able to walk was one of her biggest fears and the reason for the ongoing depression.
"This then wasn't one of the horses.", he pointed at the still visible graze at her hairline, understanding now that she hit her head on something when she fell.
She shook her head.
"So it happened out there again? Lisa, since when have you been dealing with that?"
"A couple weeks...and no, no I haven't talked to the doctor about it yet. Harry is the only one who knows and only because he accidentally saw me falling."
Harry? Now his weird behavior made sense. He was a very loyal person and hadn't said anything because Lisa probably asked him to keep quiet about it; to not worry – bother Jack with it. After all they had been through concerning her ability to walk, it hurt that she hadn't filled him in about the recent circumstances. He could have guessed by the worsening way of her walking but to be honest, he had barely seen her in those last few weeks so how could he have come to the conclusion that she was dealing with setbacks?
Jack wasn't sure how to react to the confession without upsetting her again.
"I should have told you, I know and I am sorry.", she admitted herself and he was relieved she said that. His hand squeezed her fingers emphatically.
"There are just so many other things and ...and I was afraid once I started to... to tell you I had to tell you everything else that is going on, too."
"I wished you had.", he said and tilt his head slightly. She looked at him like a beaten dog.
"What else are you dealing with?", Jack encouraged her to go on.
Again Lisa hesitated with either whether to tell him or how to tell him. Her lips moved noiselessly while she was trying to find the words but succeeded eventually.
"It's over Jack."
This put a frown on his face.
"What is?"
"Fairfield. I've tried so hard...to..to ... manage everything but... I'm worn out... I'm tired... so tired..."
By the sound of her faltering voice Jack could tell that things at Fairfield were another point that had worn her out and immediately felt even worse for forcing her to continue the work there.
"Tell me what happened."
"Dan happened.", she looked straight into his eyes now, "I lost most of my clients on him."
"What? How?"
"Well, it's obvious that people that are spending a lot of money on horses are not really convinced when I tell them that despite the accident, I am okay and that everything is going back to normal. Especially since nothing is going back to normal. Even if I tried, I can't do what I used to do at Fairfield. So, of course Dan earned a lot of reputation with what he achieved while I was unable to do anything and of course he won over all my clients, too. No one wants to make business deals with a woman that only half remembers the role she plays in an operation like Fairfield. And to be honest...most of the time I really have no idea what I am doing or supposed to be doing. I - "
"Lisa, now stop.", he cut her off. She was talking so wildly, so contemptuously that Jack wondered if she was angry about Dan or herself.
"What about France? Is Dan still there?"
"Same thing. I've lost everything."
"He took all your clients there. too?"
"Well, you know him. Of course, he says he didn't but I can imagine what he said to make them switch business partners. But who can blame them? Look at me, Jack. I'm a wrack. There is no way people are ever going to buy from someone that is neither reliable nor resilient."
Those last words were spoken with so much conviction that they hurt as soon as they left her lips. Jack knew that his wife had a hard time getting used to her state but he hadn't realized that the picture of herself was still so negative. After she started to walk again and her agreement to return to Fairfield Jack got the impression that she also started to believe in herself again. Apparently, the recent circumstances have not only set her back in walking but also in her self-confidence. It wasn't like her to talk that way and it was painful to witness her confidence changing into self-hate.
"You are not a-", he started to oppose but this time it was her that cut him off.
"You know what, it doesn't even matter. I...I know you want me back at Fairfield and that I carry on with what -"
"Ho- Hold on for a moment... ", Jack raised a hand to indicate her to stop. He needed to get this topic off his chest before she could go on any further.
"Yes, it was me that wanted you there. I urged you into something you didn't want to do in the first place. Truth is, I wanted us to get back to the life that we used to live. As if the accident never happened. But we...I can't make it disappear. It happened. It's there and it changed everything. I wanted to ignore the fact that there is no way back.", he explained and already felt much lighter but the pain caused by the changes was still there. Now that it was spoken out loudly, that their life before the accident will never return, it was even harder to accept it. Lisa wasn't the only one that had a hard time getting used to everything.
The eyes that were watching him now sent out so much sorrow.
"I'm sorry that I'm causing you so much trouble."
"I'm not the one I worry about. It's you. I'm worried about you, Lisa because ... it's so hard to approach you when things aren't going too well. You are so withdrawn that it scares me to lose you that way."
"I'm just used to figure things out myself, Jack."
Yeah, he knew that. That's what the years with Dan had taught her and Jack hated that man even more for that.
"You are strong and independent and you've learned to fight through bad times alone, but I am not Dan. I would never leave you when things get ugly."
She sighed.
"I know. I just didn't want to give you the feeling that you had to stay with me. Especially during the storm and... ."
"And what?"
"Well, you have people and things to take care of over here."
"And I have you.", he said quietly but meaningful. Why was she thinking so less of herself? Why was she thinking she was less important than the others, especially when she was his highest priority these days.
"Last thing I wanted for you was to feel torn between everything so I just kept it to myself.", she admitted.
Silence emerged and with all that talking that had been going on, the two hadn't heard any of the storm that was still going outside. The wind howled aggressively through the chimney and let the flame dance frantically through the fireplace. They only could guess what was going on outside and although Jack usually would worry about the things that were going on up at the barn, he had no time to think about that now.
"This was a really stupid thing to do, Lis!"
She looked at him with an offended expression.
"No one over here has gone through so much over the last year like you did. No one needs my help as much as you do. I would have helped, I would have stayed with you if you had been honest with me from the beginning."
Suddenly the tide seemed to turn. They were no longer talking about her. Now it was about him. Him being the next problem she was dealing with. Jack knew that she was about go down this line now. He knew that look in her eyes and braced himself.
"So now we are talking about honesty, yes? You haven't been perfectly honest with me either.", she snapped almost snidely and pulled her hand from his that had been laying there the entire time.
"Let's not go there again.", he warned, trying to turn the page already but she was determined to make him speak to the topic that he was trying to avoid.
"Why not? Is there more I should know about? What happened while Val stayed here during the storm?"
"Lisa-"
"Just tell me. It's not as if I couldn't deal with one more problem...", she spit out sarcastically and held his gaze firmly. Deep in her blue eyes however, Jack could see the weakness and vulnerability shimmering through.
She was done.
If he would confirm any of the presumptions she was having about him and Val, it would mean the end of her. As much as it hurt to know that she was thinking that way, that he would ever betray, cheat on her, it was also one last chance for saving of their marriage by putting things right. A chance he needed to grab by telling her the truth.
"Why don't you trust me in this?" , he asked bluntly.
Lisa was obviously stupefied by the turn of the tables. She didn't expect that coming.
"I do trust you."
"Well, I think you don't. What makes you think that I would reciprocate Val's absurd attempts on me? Haven't we talked about that matter years ago?" He was upset. Upset that they were going through all this yet another time.
"Yes we talked, but have you talked to her yet? She is still lingering and waiting, Jack. She's ready to jump in any moment our relationship is shattered into pieces. She still has hopes and it won't stop until you make it clear to her."
"I've known Val for a very very long time and we have been neighbours for almost the same amount of years. I don't want to be the one ruining that friendship just because of some overreacting."
"You really think I'm overreacting?", she snapped again, angry that he wasn't taking her feelings seriously.
"No, I mean...Lisa, come on...", he said, tired of this consistent topic. He just wanted it to end. He had never been interested in a woman like Val Stanton. How could he make Lisa understand that?
"When the truth ruins the relationship between you two then this would be her choice and not yours. It is not your fault when she can't deal with it.", she kept on speaking. "But more importantly, - does your relationship with Val mean more to you than the one we have?"
Hurt but awaiting eyes were meeting his now. He was shocked that she was carrying around such thoughts.
"What? No! Of course it doesn't. You mean the world to me.", Jack tried to make clear.
"Then maybe you should talk to her, because I really can't manage to stand up for one more thing. Even when this means to stand up for us."
He knew that she was being right. It had never been about him betraying her but about him giving Val false signals and thus false hopes. He let her intrude into his marriage and all Lisa asked him to do was to tell Val off. The woman's attempts were useless and she needed to stop putting herself through this over and over again. He had to tell her to find closure. For her own sake and for the sake of Jack and Lisa's marriage. Especially for the latter.
With this understanding, Jack shook his head. If there was one person that had to put things right, it was he himself.
"It's not you that has to stand up for us. It's me. I made so many mistakes...", he shook his head in disbelief about his sheer inability to make anything work. "I really can't keep one promise, can I?", he said with a crooked but apologizing smirk and saw her tearing up as the memories of their talks and his promises were coming back to life in her head. He felt so sorry for making those empty promises where he told her right before the accident happened that everything would going to be okay and after the decision to stay at Fairfield to make their relationship work despite the separation. None of this he was able to fulfill. Nothing turned out to be okay and he didn't make them work during the last months. How could she ever forgive him? What could he do to make her believe in them again? Was there still a chance?
But when he looked back up, she was shaking her head now, too.
"We both made mistakes.", she said, sharing into the blame and although he never expected her to and wanted to tell her wrong, Jack was thankful for his wife's thoughtfulness. She deserved so much better. So much better than anything that had happened to her in the last year. It wasn't fair that she was the one that had to go through all this suffering, all this misery.
"This accident has really stretched us to our limits, hasn't it?"
"Yeah...", her voice sounded sad but it was her now who reached for his hand and taking it within hers again, seeking for their connection. A tear rolled down her cheek as they were looking at each other for a long moment of silence.
They both were tired and exhausted by all the difficulties they had gone through, the recent events and the talk tonight. It felt as if they were finally arriving at the end of something they needed to leave behind. As if they were awaking from the nightmare that had been haunting them for so long now. Like a wall it had stood between them, separating them and building up one layer of bricks after the other until it was impossible to look across it onto the other side. They had lost each other out of sight but now after that intense talk the wall had been taken down. The bricks that held it together were now laying to their feet, broken and battered into pieces. The effort of the hard work was visible in their eyes and the lines of their faces. Still, with all the heavy content that they had talked through tonight, Jack felt lighter in his heart. He was eager to leave all this suffering, all this darkness behind.
After they eventually digested the course of their conversation silently, Lisa wiped away the few shed tears from her cheek and blinked before she found her voice again.
"So,", she sniffed briefly, "with all this finally said, where do we go from here?"
There was only one place he wanted to be and this was her.
"Wherever you go, I will follow you.", Jack whispered and caused her to tear up again, but this time the smile on her lips outshone everything and seemed to lighten up the room as the fire was slowly fading away.
"See, I've missed that smile.", he said lighthearted. One sob escaped her mouth before she welcomed him back into her arms.
That was the place. The place Jack wanted to be. There was no better place than to be in her arms, to feel her close against him, wrapped into a tight hug.
The pond of problems lay dark and abandoned behind them. He had been able to retrieve her from that hole of doom until she finally stood back with him on the edge, taking a confident step away from it and into the future.
Jack tightened his arm around her to make sure she really stayed with him when entering the next chapter of their life. He didn't want to go there alone.
Her body still shook slightly under his palm that lay on her back. Jack sensed that he should give her some time now. No more talking. So, he leaned closer but turned to lay down on his back and pull her down with him. They landed softly on the mattress and immediately fell into their usual position. Her body was leaning against his side, her arm around his waist and her head on his shoulder. Jack couldn't deny how much he had missed having her that close. The past lonely nights seemed much worse now that he got the chance to have her back, got that feeling back that despite all the changes, some things would stay the same.
Jack took a hold of the blankets that were still laying around her and tucked them both in carefully.
They have found peace just at the right time as the light coming from the fire burnt out. Darkness spread through the room again. However, this time it wasn't mingled with coldness but with warmth that covered the couple like an extra blanket and let them drift off to sleep peacefully.