CHAPTER 34:

Who's to blame?

The slightly damp hair strands slipped between Nya's fingers. Kai's scalp was partly wet yet, its humidity flowing down to the tips. Nya wrapped another tuft in the towel, thoroughly drying it before moving onto the next. Although Cole had done a good job at getting her brother decent, the girl wouldn't risk Kai catching a cold, not in his current state. He had to be kept as healthy as possible.

Kai just let her do as she pleased. It had taken him a while to calm down after Cole left, and even then he was having trouble to keep himself sane, repeating his spouse's words like a mantra; 'They're not here, they can't hurt us.'

Kai could feel the hideous, sleazy arms of the past clawing his shoulders, trying to pull him back into the dark abyss, to the place where all monsters belonged. He gripped the bedsheets and shut his eyes tight. You're not a monster, Cole chanted in his mind, but a part of Kai's brain said otherwise. A quick look at his own hands and tears rushed back to his eyes. Who had been begging for mercy in his hands the other night? Jay? His father? Himself? Blurry pictures mixed in Kai's mind's eye.

Nya discarded the towel to the side and pulled the boy's back close to her chest. She kissed his cheek and whispered sweet nothings to her brother. "It's okay, Kai… You're nothing like him…"

"How can you be so sure?" Kai whimpered.

"Because I'm your sister, and I know you. You would never hurt someone for the pleasure of it."

'But you hurt Jay nevertheless,' a foreign bodiless voice scolded Kai. The Maharaja buried his face in his hands, tears wetting his palms. Nya tightened her arms around him a fraction and took a deep breath.

Not very often did she get to see Kai crying so heartbroken. Ever since their parents died and the boy had the weight of the whole kingdom falling on his shoulders, Kai had tried to be stronger every day, for her, for his spouses, for the people of Ninjago. But in sooth, the sovereign was still a young boy, the same one that had played dress-up with her when they were kids, who danced and sang stupidly with her when no one was around, who always kept her amused and loved despite their cold mentors.

Nya's throat worked and she could feel her own voice quavering and threatening to break with a sob when an idea crossed her thoughts.

"Kai," She made sure her lips were close enough to the boy's ear so he could hear her without raising her voice too much. "If we mixed a wolf and a lobster… what would it look like?"

The strange question caught Kai off guard, his sobs though paused little by little. Kai twirled his head around looking at the girl behind him with an innocent smile on her lips, eyebrows lifting with anticipation. "Would it be a… wolster? Or a lolf?" She kept saying, a funny tone adorning her soft voice with the promise of firmer laughter.

Kai stared at her for a bit more, his gaze then turned back to the room. "A… wolster, I think?" He muttered hesitantly. "It would be like a… wolf but with no fur and a… a red armor?"

"And those long whiskers?"

"Y-yeah, that too, I guess…" Kai exhaled, now perfectly aware of what his sister was trying to do. A faint smile pressed his lips together. He'd come up with that game when they were kids and Nya wouldn't stop crying for some reason. Kai hated his little sister's cries, the high pitched wails irritated him and made his head hurt. At that time he had only wanted to distract the little girl with a strange, random question that would confuse her enough to stop the crying, but eventually it turned into a regular game for them; fusing different animals and even plants in their minds to come up with new species. It had entertained them many times, especially on days where not even the coolest and most expensive toys and games they owned would do anything to keep them amused.

"What about…" Nya pondered for a few seconds. "A rhino and a tiger?"

Kai imagined the creature and snorted a laugh. "A rhiger… Uhm, I think it would be buff, tough, but with a very fine touch and that long tail."

"Like a tiger but with bigger muscles?"

Kai nodded. "And a horn."

Nya couldn't help the sudden giggle. "Doesn't look very practical to climb on trees."

"Well, maybe they could… use it for fishing. Tigers like to bathe, right? They could stab fishes with the horn and then eat them."

"So rhigers are fishers?"

Nya's heart warmed up when Kai finally laughed for the first time since she'd arrived at the room. The siblings went on, randomly picking any living things and mixing up their traits. Kai leaned closer to his sister, laughing as they created the most inconceivable creatures ever seen, discussing how they would walk, feed or even sound like.

For a moment Kai felt the world around him disappear and he was back to those days, back when he didn't have to worry about meetings and alliances, back when it was just him and Nya. Running down the garden or the palace halls, playfully teasing each other, right before his dad decided he was already a 'young man' and therefore had to stop acting like a brainless child and start taking things more seriously. It had hurt a lot. Sure, Skylor had been there as well, he still had a friend around sometimes but being shoved onto all these 'future responsibilities' just because it was his fate… Naive, young Kai couldn't understand why he had to stop playing all those funny games with his sister at once, nor why had his father decided one day that he wasn't a kid anymore.

The royal siblings lay on bed next to each other, chests still rising and falling rapidly from the recent explosion of giggles. Kai shifted onto his side, snuggling up to the girl as tiny tears spilled from his eyes. Nya hugged him again, face pinching, sad that the distraction hadn't lasted much.

"I love you so much, Nya…" Kai cried softly to her chest.

"I love you too, big brother." She planted a tiny kiss on Kai's hair.

"I wish… we could go back…"

"Back?"

Kai nodded, rubbing his wet face against her dress. "Back when we could play together all day and… everything was fine. When I was… normal."

Nya bit her lip, her brother's words bringing a mix of pain and melancholy to her heart. "And give up Cole and the others?" She asked.

The question froze Kai for a moment. The last five years had been hard, full of emotions of all kinds. He'd married three hot loving men, given them the chance to live comfortably as every kind soul deserved, but at what price? Cole's bloody screams still came back full force to torment him to this day. The boy had been so close to death that night, and even though he'd miraculously made it out alive, those scars on his back would always be a reminder of how weak Kai had been — of how much he'd hurt the first person who loved him with no limits.

Had he had the possibility to go back in time and stop himself from giving that candy to Cole… would Kai do it?

If it meant to save the boy from such a dreadful experience…

••••••••••••

Kai clung harder to the princess, mind, and heart immersed in a painful battle when three short knocks pulled the siblings out of their thoughts. "Come in." Hollered the princess. Kai jerked, sitting up as he wiped the tears that remained on his face. His gaze locked on the door as it opened, revealing a tall male, pale skin as pure as snow, short straw-colored hair and icy blues that stared at Kai with worry. The king felt anchored to the bed, his body tense as his grip on his sister's arm tightened.

Zane approached slowly, Nya nodded at him, letting Zane know it was okay to come closer. The girl untangled herself from her brother and helped the boy shift until his legs were hanging on the edge of the bed. Kai's toes timidly brushing the floor, his feet wanting to move and walk towards his spouse but not finding the strength to do so. Zane eventually got to his side. His eyes were filled with even more concern than moments ago. Although Kai's recent bath was still visible in the slightly damp hair, it did nothing to conceal the miserable state of the monarch. Eyes red and puffy, remnants of dry tears dirtied his cheeks, hair messy as if he'd just woken up.

Kai's anxiety grew stronger under Zane's observant eyes and he looked down, recoiling towards Nya, scared of what the blonde would be thinking about him. Cole had been decided to tell them everything so they could understand why he had exploded the other night, but… would they?

A new pair of hands gripped his own, pulling him up and into Zane's arms. Kai gasped, "Z-Zane?" The blond didn't break their embrace as his hands brushed all over Kai's back. The Maharaja's heart throbbing so wild that he was sure his husband could feel it against his own wall chest.

"I've missed you," said Zane.

The three little words whispered in his ear shook Kai's whole being and he gripped his lover's shoulders harder as his head sank in the crook of Zane's neck with a strangled cry.

"I've… missed you too." His voice broke with the confession.

'And give up Cole and the others?' Nya's question came back to him and Kai internally laughed at himself. How could he ever give up any of these boys? They were all he had, all that kept him grounded, if he lost any of them… his heart wouldn't survive it. Did that make him a bad person? Refusing to let them go even if that would save them from suffering the pain to be with someone as messed up as him?

Nya stayed silent as Zane held Kai lovingly in his arms while the brunette cried on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry…" Kai moaned weakly as more sobs erupted from his throat.

"Shh… It's okay. Calm down, love." Zane pulled apart a few inches just enough to rub the pads of his thumbs on Kai's cheek, wiping away some of the tears, but the advice didn't do much to stop them, Kai clung harder to him.

"W-where's Cole?" He asked.

"In the bedroom with Jay and Lloyd. He's safe, don't worry."

Kai grabbed fistfuls of Zane's shirt, his whole body shaking with light tremors and Zane guided his face to his shoulder again. "I'm… I'm sorry…" Kai murmured in a pathetic plea.

Zane shushed him tenderly. "It's fine."

Nya got up and rounded the bed, coming next to the boys. "Did Cole tell you…?" She started to ask, fearful for a moment. Zane nodded and the girl relaxed a fraction as the corner of his lips pulled up an inch and she saw nothing but sheer adoration in the eyes of the blond. Kai's jitters increased and Zane kissed his face, guiding the boy into a countdown while they both took deep breaths. Kai eventually sank deeper into Zane's arms, his respiration still somehow erratic but having regained some control.

The princess stared at Zane again, the young man silently gestured for the door while still holding his husband. Nya seemed skeptical to leave at first but upon further inspection, she sensed Zane was not here to make things worse —at least not on purpose. She leaned in, placing a kiss on both Kai's and Zane's cheeks then exited the room as quietly as she could.

As soon as they were alone Zane pulled Kai's face up although the boy averted his eyes to the side. He kissed him again then moved towards the sofas, clutching Kai's hand as he guided the boy to follow him. Zane replaced some of the cushions and lay down, stretching his legs all over the seat. The brunette sniffed and dropped on it as well, curling up between Zane's legs and against his chest. The soft light that filtered through the balcony and landed on them provided a pleasant warmth on their bodies. Zane waited for Kai to relax in his arms before he spoke.

"How are you feeling?" When Kai didn't reply immediately, he added, "Physically, I mean."

"... Tired." Kai offered with a shrug. "My head feels heavy."

"Have you been eating?"

"Yeah… Cole made sure I didn't starve myself to death."

"That's good." Zane rubbed soothing circles on Kai's back, occasionally reaching up to play with the damp brown locks. "What about mentally?"

Kai's fidgeted nervously on his lap, his fingers poking Zane with no real purpose other than to release part of the anxiety within him. "I… feel like shit."

"Do you think you could tell me why?" Zane felt Kai's chest heaving against him which warned him of a new imminent wave of tears.

"Do you know… what happened after the party?" The young king asked.

"Do you?"

Kai started to shake and gripped Zane's clothes tighter in his fists.

"What do you remember from two nights ago?" Zane hugged him softly, keeping Kai's head close to his chest.

The answer to that question would have been easy if Kai's mind hadn't been playing tricks on him for the past hours. Some pieces of the puzzle were discolored, broken, which made it impossible to rebuild the image with clarity, but he tried to make them fit in the obscure frame nevertheless. Kai told Zane about the bracelet, about the giggles he and Jay had shared and… that strong wish to kiss the boy until the end of times as they lay together on the floor surrounded by feathers. From there, his memories turned very confusing. He remembered a sharp pain on his head, someone yelling at him, calling him things he'd endured for many years and then… His father, and Cole's screams.

Zane hugged him, soft enough to not constrict Kai's airways but retaining a firm, reassuring grip to ease the boy.

"Tell me I didn't hurt him. Please, Zane, I…" Kai didn't need to say the name for Zane to understand who was he referring to.

"He is unharmed." The answer came right away.

Unharmed, but not 'hurt'. Pain could have many shapes, not just physical. Kai grabbed fistfuls of Zane's shirt and buried his head in the man's chest, crying onto him. Jay's face blurred in his mind, mixing with that of his own father.

"He was right…" Kai sobbed. "I'm weak, I can't control myself… I… I'm a failure."

"He?"

Kai fell silent, then added in a strangled whisper, "My dad."

Zane's head dipped, dropping tiny kisses on Kai's hair. "You are not any of those things, Kai," he assured.

"But I am… I screw up… again… I hurt Cole, then I hurt Jay… I almost hit Lloyd too… I always hurt the people I love…" Fear gripped his chest, compressing it tightly and making it almost impossible to breathe. The story was repeating itself all over again.

Zane cooed him, shifting to grab one of Kai's hands and squeeze it gently as he worked on getting the boy to uncurl and not put pressure on his chest.

"Kai, don't beat yourself like that. What happened to Cole back then wasn't your fault."

"It was… I didn't listen to my dad. I… I disobeyed him and Cole paid for my mistakes."

Zane licked his lips, breathed deep and slow. "It is against my ethics to badmouth anyone from the royal family but… Kai, you did nothing wrong. You were just a child who fell in love, there's nothing bad in that. I didn't get the chance to meet your father, but he was the miscreant here. I understand his actions followed the commandments he'd been lead to believe from a young age, but that doesn't excuse him at all. He was an adult, and he had the ability to discern between his beliefs and his son's happiness. What he did to you, to Cole… it was plain cruelty, and you are not to be held responsible for any of his sins."

Kai turned, his back and head resting against Zane's chest while the blonde caressed his hands all over his hair, his face, his arms and chest. Kai covered his eyes with his forearm, his eyes stung and the tears rolled down his cheeks. Images of the night Cole had been beaten to death five years ago flashed in the black chaos of his mind, his father's words mixing in the echoes of Cole's wails, they were still clear as daylight to this day for Kai. Then the pictures blurred and he saw himself doing the same to Jay, chaining him, beating him, wanting him dead for a split second.

"I'm scared," Kai whimpered, Zane waited for him to elaborate, letting the boy release his stress and inner fears at his own rhythm. "I'm so scared to… turn like him. I don't remember well what I did to Jay but… I know it was bad."

"You didn't harm him, rest assured. And you're not like your father, Kai. What happened the other night, it was a very unfortunate chain of events. Anyone in your place would have collapsed as well."

Collapse. Was that what had happened to Kai? Had he really lost his mind for a moment? A hazy memory of Jay shaking beneath him made him shiver.

'Don't touch me with your filthy hands.'

The words swam in his head. Kai couldn't have done that, could he? If he'd stepped over the line with Jay… everything was lost forever.

••••••••••••

Zane always had to be right, much to anyone's dismay. The soft breeze around the garden caressed Cole's face like the gentle hands of a divine creature, almost taking away all his hurt and anguish. It felt like it'd been years since the last time he was outside, rejoicing in the feeling of the wind and sun on his skin. It was almost perfect.

Almost.

One look at the troubled boys next to him and he was struck by the bitter reality once again. Lloyd and Jay had been silent for a while, Cole had decided to follow Zane's advice and take them outside —despite their reluctance to do so— in hopes it would help them somehow. If only he knew what to tell them to erase their pain and whatever thoughts that were torturing them at the moment.

Cole had tried for a small chatter as they strolled down the green paths full of flowers. Jay had gifted him with a few words back but Lloyd was as still as a mouse, his gaze lost on the stone pavement under their feet, never raising even when Cole tried to bring their attention to the herbs around or the occasional birds that passed over their heads. In the end, Cole opted to stay silent as well, feeling his attempts at random chatter were only making matters worse.

The three boys eventually stopped by a fountain and sat on the tiered edges. In a different situation, Cole would have persuaded them to take off their shoes and play with him in the water, but those kinds of silly things would be uncalled for at a moment like that. There were too many emotions going on to be playing like kids.

Cole looked to his left meeting Jay's eyes. The noirette attempted a smile, reaching down to the marble step and clutching Jay's hand for a moment. The other boy smiled back but the curve on his lips faded soon and his eyes went back to the ground, just staring at nothing.

Looking at his other side, Cole found Lloyd, he attempted the same move but the young man didn't even react to his touch. Glancing between the two boys, Cole tapped his fingers lightly on his own knees.

'They need your strength, just be there for them.'

His heels started to bounce under him. "Do you guys want to… Uhm, go train or… something?" Cole asked with a tiny voice, anticipating their answer.

Jay looked at him with a hint of grief in his eyes then murmured, "I'm… not very in the mood for exercise."

Cole nodded immediately and tried to smile at Jay, letting him know that it was totally okay, then he turned to Lloyd and waited for his answer.

And waited…

And waited some more. The blonde though simply stared down with no sign of having heard him.

The first spouse released a long sigh as his hand shoved up into his hair, gripping the strands. He shifted, twisting on his spot so that he was facing the fountain. His fingers dipped in the pristine liquid and moved around, drawing circles, while he tried to stay collected.

Be their strength, Cole reminded himself. But how was he supposed to do that when Lloyd wouldn't even let him past his walls?

'When the words come from the heart, they are always right.'

Was that true though? Cole wasn't the most eloquent guy in the world. If he slipped again and created a bigger mess… He already felt bad enough for having started all this shit. If he hadn't accepted that damn cake from Kai years ago… If he had done his job and noticed that fucking king's assistant was onto something, he could have protected Kai from getting hurt. Five years without the man and the damn monster's grip still held firm onto the sweet brunette. Even from the underworld, the old Maharaja's words were a cruel lullaby planted on Kai's mind that wouldn't let the boy alone to enjoy his family —his true family.

Cole bit his lip tight, if the previous Maharaja were alive Cole would have ran straight to him and choked the man to death with his bare hands. How could a father go as far as to make his own flesh feel so miserable? —And do it without batting an eyelid to top it all. How could a human being be so blind to think in leaving their son such psychological scars they were doing him a favor?

Cole's injuries had been hell, but they healed naturally with their due time. But Kai's were different. Mental scars were easier to disguise but twice as hard to heal and Cole didn't want that for either Jay or Lloyd. No matter how, he had to protect these boys and make up for his past mistakes.

Cole straightened and stepped down, standing in front of his friends. "I know you're hurt," he said looking at Jay but also glancing at the blonde even if the boy wouldn't look up at him. "And upset, and confused." His hands shook and they curled up into tight fists. "I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've done that lead us here, but please," he took Jay's hand, pulled the boy closer to Lloyd then sank to his knees in front of them both. "Whatever it's going on in your minds right now just say it. I don't care what it might be, I don't care if it hurts, or if you want to hit me, I won't fight back. But please, don't shut me out, we're family, we take care of each other when things go wrong." His focus then shifted to Lloyd. "Please, baby, just talk to me. Just say something. Anything, please…" He pleaded to the boy, caressing his cheek ever-so-gingerly and pulling it up.

As their gazes locked onto each other, Lloyd's eyes started to fill, his lashes shook and his mouth slowly downturned in a frown and a strangled sob erupted in him after a gasp.

Lloyd threw himself over Cole, hugging him tight and burying his face in the older boy's neck. His cries caught Cole off guard for a moment and he looked at Jay with confusion before leaning in further and putting his arms around the kid. Lloyd didn't voice his thoughts right away and neither did Cole push him to do it. Just seeing the boy's walls come down and let him in was enough of a big step.

"I'm… sorry…" Lloyd finally mumbled, voice shaky and weak. "I didn't mean it… What I said… about you and… and Kai."

"It's okay, I know you didn't, greenie." Cole rubbed his palms up and down the boy's back. "I'm sorry for yelling at you too." He placed a kiss on top of Lloyd's golden strands. Cole stretched an arm and motioned Jay to join their embrace as well. The gingerhead didn't seem very fond of the idea at first but complied in the end, small tears spread to his face as well as Cole's. The moment was too emotional for any of them to keep everything inside.

"I love you," Cole said placing another kiss on Lloyd then one to Jay's brow. "Both of you, and so does Kai." He pulled apart a few inches and looked straight into Jay's eyes. "I know you might not believe it, but he really does, and he is hurting just as much as all of us right now."

Lloyd broke into another fit of whimpers and clutched the noirette harder, locking his arms around his neck. Jay stared in bewilderment as Cole guided him to rest his head on Lloyd and him, keeping them all close and buried in the same warm embrace.

••••••••••••

It had been by sheer coincidence that Nya walked by the window of the studio while the three young men sat by the fountain, holding onto each other for dear life. The color of their clothes made them easily recognizable despite being so far from where she stood. The girl stayed still, leaning against the glass and staring at her friends down the garden, her heart squeezing painfully.

"Is it something the matter, my princess?" The voice of counselor Wu made her turn around.

"No," she said, only looking at the old man for a brief moment before her eyes drifted back to the garden view.

The counselor walked closer to her and inspected what had caught the princess's attention, he nodded to himself. "What is troubling your mind, my dear?" The man eventually asked, taking advantage of the fact that they were alone in the room, going over the last details of a future meeting. Counselor Wu had been working all his life at the palace, he'd witnessed the royal offspring's very first steps until they both had evolved into adulthood —with much grace and glory if you asked him. Both the young king and the princess were like his own child.

"Nothing…" She murmured, shaking her head and resuming her steps to the desk to organize some of the papers they'd been handling.

"You know, a tiny crack on the wall seems powerless, but it is capable of growing to unexpected measures if not taken care of while on its early stages."

The girl looked at him, slightly puzzled at the words of the wise man, then sighed. She pulled the chair out and sat down, resting her elbows on the table and clutching her head.

"I just… Sometimes I wonder if I did things right or not. If our fates are already decided and sealed... or if there's a way to change the path, even if you'll end up in the same place."

"Why would you consider changing the paths?"

"Because… it doesn't seem fair that one must suffer tremendously to be able to find their way through the world."

Counselor Wu wasn't sure what the girl was referring to, but he was pretty certain it involved the recent 'illness' of their sovereign and the overall gloomy ambiance going around. He didn't know all the details and neither did he wish to have them revealed to him unless the royal family considered he was worthy of such knowledge, but he'd been around the palace enough years to get where the girl's thoughts were headed. She and her brother had never had an easy life, despite what other people could think.

"May I offer a word of wisdom?" He asked and Nya nodded at him. Wu walked to the window again, looking at the boys outside but talking to the girl. "What it's done, it is done. Whether your previous path is worthy of the present or not, is a very much fruitless line of thought that I would not recommend contemplating, but rather… if you can make your current time worthy of what's behind you."

The princess narrowed her eyes at him, as usual Wu's acumen took a while to sink in and get processed by the younger minds. The girl's eyes fell upon the desk again, Nya remained motionless, pondering, trying to extract all the wisdom and advice in her counselor's words. "Thank you," she finally said.

"You are much welcome, my princess."

Thank you very much for reading

Don't be shy to leave a review! Your support helps me to stay motivated!

Remember to fav/follow if you're enjoying the story and see you on the next update! (≧∇≦)/